Empty Nest (1988) s03e11 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery One by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need Rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on daddy, do you think Tony the tiger is nice or really stuck-up? For the last time, dear, I don't know.
Oh, daddy I found this picture of me when I was happy and innocent.
Carol, that's a picture of your mother when she was pregnant with you.
I know.
Such carefree days.
Oh, Carol, you do not remember being in the womb.
Yes, I do.
It's amazing.
She was annoying even before she was born.
Hey, look, here's the last family portrait we took.
Look at how old it is.
It's not so long ago.
Daddy, we're standing in front of the bomb shelter.
You know, we really should have another portrait made, something that shows how close we are as a family, how much we all love each other.
Honey, what about your sister Emily? She can't get away from school.
To hell with Emily Not here, not in it.
This is gonna be so much fun.
Daddy, I'll take care of all the arrangements.
Fine.
Hello, loved ones.
Carol.
Harry, do you have a trapeze I can borrow? What do you want a trapeze for, Charley? It's date night.
As a matter of fact, I do have a trapeze, but unless it's for legitimate circus work, can't have it.
Fair enough.
What are you guys up to? Nothing.
It's none of your business, and we're not telling you.
Yeah, we're doing another family portrait.
Good, Barbara.
Oh, boy.
What should I wear? Charley, you are not going to be in our picture.
Well, Harry, aren't I a part of the family? Oh, uh, yeah.
I'm just not sure we want photographic evidence of that.
Well, I'm out of here.
Really? Without mooching any food? I think I've taken too much from you people for too many years.
Oh, just kidding.
My date's buying dinner, and I want to make sure the old stomach needle is on empty.
Oh, she's paying for dinner.
The '90s You got to love 'em.
This gal's paying for everything.
And you know what the best part is? What? This gal is paying for everything.
Oh.
Oh, doctor's here.
Doctor, pick a number between 1 and 50.
Okay, 50.
Doctor says take No, Laverne! I'm just kidding.
It's lurlene a-shoppin' for lottery numbers.
Oh, Laurie! How are you, kiddo? Other than the fact that I hate my life, things are swell.
So it's kind of a mixed bag, huh? Come.
All right, so What's up? Oh, come on, doc, don't tell me you can't tell.
It's as plain as the nose on my face.
I'm stumped.
Okay, let me rephrase that.
It's as plain as the big, huge schnoz-ola on my face.
I'm guessing this has something to do with your nose? I hate it.
It's ruining my life.
I want to get a nose job.
Wait, wait, wait.
I can't i can't believe what I'm hearing here.
Have have you discussed this with your folks? Yeah, and they said it's up to me, but that I should discuss it with you first.
Okay, then let's us discuss it here.
Now, how is it ruining your life, dear? I mean, you've got lots of friends.
You do very well in school.
You want examples? How about my not making the cheer-leading squad? Laurie, you told me yourself.
You fell off the human pyramid and knocked out a judge.
Come on, your nose had nothing to do with that.
Fine.
So I'm a complete klutz too.
Any way you slice it, doc, my life stinks.
So we've discussed it.
I'm doing it.
Now, can you recommend a good plastic surgeon? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on, wait, wait.
Back up here.
I don't I don't get this at all.
I mean, what I see in front of me is a perfectly fine nose with an even finer person exactly the right distance behind it.
No offense, doc, but I don't really care what anybody else thinks.
It's what I think.
And I think it makes me feel gross, you know, really self-conscious.
And if I can change that, why shouldn't I? Well, I can see there's nothing I can say that's gonna change your mind, but Perhaps Mr.
Lincoln will be a little more persuasive.
This is getting weird, doc.
What's the point? The point is what you have there is a beautiful nose.
This guy, on the other hand, has a real honk.
Look at that.
Here, look at him.
Look look at him on a penny.
Here, in profile, it's even worse.
I don't want to save the union.
I just want to be pretty.
Honey, you already are pretty.
All right, come on, listen, do me a favor, dear, please.
You, uh, give this a few more days thought, and then you're gonna find out that I am absolutely right about this nose job.
Okay, I guess a few more days won't hurt.
It'll give me time to pick my new one.
Get it? - Bye, Laverne.
- Bye, hon.
Laverne, I don't know what to tell her.
I mean, she's convinced she needs a nose job.
Can you believe that? Oh, sure.
I know just how she feels.
My big old ears have been the burr in my saddle since I's a child.
Laverne, your ears aren't big.
Oh, please, if they could flap, I could fly.
Stop staring at 'em.
I wasn't.
But, I mean, I still don't understand why anybody wants to arbitrarily change their body.
Oh, come on.
Don't tell me you wouldn't like some collagen pumped into them bird legs of yourn.
Hi.
Girls, I need a little help.
I have a tough one on my hands.
Daddy, now's not a good time.
I'm very preoccupied with all the arrangements for our family portrait.
- It's about plastic surgery.
- Oh, really? Yes.
One of my patients She's 15 years old, bright, very attractive and, for some reason, has her mind set on getting a nose job.
She wants me to recommend a plastic surgeon.
Oh, daddy, do you know a good one? Because I would love to get my butt done.
Carol, what are you talking about? I'm talking about picking the damn thing up off the floor.
Carol, you have a lovely Don't make me say this.
Barbara, tell her, please.
Barbara! Daddy, what do you think I'd look like with Carly Simon's lips? You'd look fine, dear.
She'd look a little weird.
You know, I've always hated my lips.
Barbara, there's nothing wrong with your lips! I can't believe what I'm hearing from you two.
Oh, right, daddy, like you wouldn't mind having some meat on those legs.
This is incredible! Everybody's got a part of their body they're obsessed with.
Sorry.
I thought my co-anchorman was making a cameo appearance.
Charley, what do you think of plastic surgery? Well, if you're talking about women, I will always vote yes on proposition big ones.
Charley, will you never grow up? Come on, Barbara.
I'll pull your lips out, you hold my butt up, and we'll go see how we look.
Okay.
No, no, no, no, no, don't.
Why don't you? Tell me how things are going with this new lady friend.
Oh, great.
Our dinner the other night was really special.
She took me out to a four-star restaurant.
Then she gave me an Armani suit.
She's very generous.
Oh, you don't know the half of it.
After our dinner date last night, she gave me this diamond pinkie ring.
Look, Harry, shiny! Charley, uh, these gifts She just gives them to you? No, no, no, no.
First, she takes me out.
Then we go home, and I express my gratitude.
Then she gives me stuff.
But you would still go out with her even if she didn't buy you things? Well, let's just say No.
Charley, I am very disappointed in you.
I mean, you're a lot of things, but I never thought of you as a Gigolo.
What's a gigolo? That's a man with so little self-respect, he lets women pay him for sex.
All right! Okay, Laverne, who's next? I'll tell you, as soon as you stop staring at my ears.
All right, Laverne, if it'll make you feel any better, from now on, I will talk to you from the other room.
Oh, right, like they're so big, I must hear well? You are vicious.
- Hi, Dr.
Weston.
- Hi.
Come here.
Laurie dear, please, come in.
Well, doc, I've been thinking about the nose job like you said.
Oh, good girl! So now you realize your nose is great, no need to change it.
No, doc.
My mind's made up.
I got to be honest with you.
Funny you should bring up honesty, because No one was more honest than our 16th president, Abraham Lincoln.
Let it die, man.
Laurie dear, you know, I mean, there are times when plastic surgery can be a good thing This is not one of them.
Sweetheart, you're beautiful, and to make such an unnecessary change is just crazy.
No, it's not.
Don't you understand? I'll have more friends.
I'll be able to date a lot of guys, and I'll be really popular.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
What you're looking to get out of this is not just a new nose, but a new life.
Maybe I am.
Honey, it just doesn't work that way.
Honey, it just doesn't.
Believe me, if you do this, you're setting yourself up for a very big disappointment.
I know you mean well, doc, but It's hard to take advice on looks from a guy who's willing to go through life with those legs.
They're fine! Dreyfuss, fetch me the hope diamond.
I figure once in your life, you're gonna obey me.
Why blow it on a tennis ball? No.
Daddy, would you tell Carol it is ridiculous for her to pose with a watering can in our family portrait? Daddy, she just doesn't understand portraiture.
For centuries, it's been de rigueur to pose with a prop that is representative of who you are.
Then why don't you just hold a big nut? This can holds water, which provides sustenance to the earth, just as I provide emotional sustenance to our family.
Daddy, will you tell her she's out of her mind? Well, honey, it's a little harsh to here's your prop, daddy.
Are you out of your mind? Hi, westons.
Hey, Harry.
Lose another one? Charley.
Oh, I see Props for our portrait.
So, uh, what's my prop? You don't have a prop, Charley.
You are not going to be in our picture.
Big mistake The camera loves the dietzter.
Anyway, notice anything different about me? Charley dietz swings into spring in this stunning ensemble that's guaranteed to turn heads from rodeo drive to the champs-elysees.
Nice outfit, Charley.
Where'd you get it, the big and tall moron shop? No.
Got it from my girlfriend, the love of my life Uh Paula.
This is incredible.
People should pay you to stay away.
People do.
I get them coming and going.
It's kind of a full-service thing.
Charley, I just can't believe you're doing this.
I don't either.
It's it's kind of like being on a game show, and the prizes just keep getting better and better.
And, Harry, I just won the jackpot.
Tell Charley what he's won, don pardo.
Well, wink, Charley will be enjoying an all-expense-paid one-way trip to Bermuda, where he will be kept in the manner he's quickly becoming accustomed to.
Wait a second, Charley.
This woman wants to pay you to live with her in Bermuda? Correct, Barbara.
Would you like to try famous gigolos for $500? Charley, if you do this, how can you look at yourself in the mirror? You mean my new mirror? I don't know, Charley.
It doesn't seem like you to be at a woman's Beck and call.
I don't see it that way.
Oh, that's her.
I got to run.
She gets furious if I'm not there when she becks.
Doc, what are you doing here? Don't tell me you've come to see the wizard of schnoz.
How do you like this nose? Honey, I just want to talk to you one more time to try to convince you how meaningless and superficial all this is.
Plastic surgery can never Ever I'm sorry.
You were saying? You were talking.
Oh, uh, yes, right, right.
This obsession with looks is wrong, dear.
It's what's inside a person that Counts.
Sorry.
I interrupted you.
No, you were talking.
Still? Uh Yeah, you were saying something about what's inside? Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um, look, sweetheart, uh I don't know if you noticed, but a couple of attractive women just walked by.
Now, I mean Okay, I mean, they look good, but what does that tell us about who they really are? I mean, are they happy? I have lot of friends who I got to get out more often.
Wow.
Great nose.
Excuse me, doc.
I'll be right back.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I don't mean to be rude or anything, but that's one great nose.
Oh, please.
You can have it.
It was supposed to save my marriage.
I even had my eyes done.
Can you believe it? He left me anyway.
Maybe it didn't have anything to do with your eyes.
Of course.
That's obvious now.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Clearly, the problem all along was my cheekbones.
Once I get those fixed, my life is definitely gonna turn around.
No offense, but have you ever thought of seeing a therapist? I am a therapist.
Excuse me.
Okay.
Doc, can you believe it? That woman actually thought that changing her body would make her life better.
Gee, somebody should have set her straight.
Yeah.
Obviously, she's got a really lousy pediatrician.
You know, not only are you a beautiful young lady, but you're pretty smart.
Come on, I'll spring for a soda.
Doc, please, let me pay.
Oh, that's very sweet of you.
Not so sweet.
I don't want to run any risk of hearing that stupid Lincoln story again.
Dreyfuss Rid the world of nuclear weapons.
Good boy! Well, buddy, I guess this is it.
I came to say good-bye, or as the French say No, they just leave.
Charley, for years now, you've been coming over here and taking things.
Please, this time, take my advice.
Okay, but Paula's coming over, so make it fast.
All right, now, just listen very closely.
I see two Charley dietzes The one who's here with me now and the one who could be.
Could be what? That's the beauty Anything he wants.
President of the United States? No.
- Vice president? - Yes.
Charley, in everyone's life, there are defining moments.
This, for you, is one of those moments.
The question is which Charley dietz is gonna prevail The one who opts for the easy life in Bermuda or the one who makes those difficult choices, who has dignity and integrity and self-respect? That's her.
I told her I'd be here.
Hello, Charley.
Hello, Paula.
This is my friend Harry.
- Hello, Harry.
- Paula.
Cute dog.
How much? He's, uh he's not for sale.
Oh, one of those.
Well, Charley, shall we? Charley Harry says I shouldn't go.
He says I should have more What was that again? Integrity.
Right.
Integrity.
Lovely.
Shall we? I-I don't know.
Good boy, Charles.
I see you're confused.
Would it help if you had your own BMW? Dignity.
Can dignity do zero to 60 in 6.
2 seconds? It can do much more.
How about your own sailboat? Self-respect.
Your own stock portfolio.
- Virtue.
- A villa.
Anything you want to be.
Well, Charley? Go away.
Very well.
But if you think I'm leaving without my things, you are grotesquely naive.
Give me back my cashmere sweater And the Gucci loafers The linen slacks The rolex And the pinkie ring.
Oh, no, not the pinkie ring.
I love the pinkie ring.
Good-bye, Charley.
This is a man with dignity! Get in here.
There you go.
Okay.
Everybody ready? Ready! On three.
One, two, three Smile!