Get Smart (1965) s03e11 Episode Script
The Mild Ones
( jet engines whirring ) ( engines start ) ( grinding gears, sputtering ) Max, look! They've thrown him out of the car! ( engine starts ) I'll get him, 99.
You follow me in the car.
Right, Max.
( revving ) Okay ( groaning ) It's his aide.
Listen, we've got to talk to you.
Do you have an appointment? An appointment?! What are you talking about? You were just thrown out of a moving car.
What happened? I'm sorry.
I cannot give out any information unless it is first approved by our press secretary.
Do you realize that you're dying? I'm sorry.
I cannot give you any information about that either.
Listen, we're CONTROL agents.
We've got to find out who kidnapped your prime minister and we've gotta get him back.
Oh, I'd better make a note of that.
He always wants to know in the morning what he's been doing.
Will you forget protocol? Tell us what happened! There were two men hidden in the back seat.
They pushed me out of the car.
Can you tell us anything at all about them? Well, outside of the fact that they were amazingly ruthless they were surprisingly polite.
Well, of course, after all, you're a stranger in this country.
There is such a thing as good old American hospitality, you know.
they were polite? Yes, before he pushed me out, one of them said, "Fare thee well and get ye lost.
" "Fare thee well and get ye lost.
" Well, that narrows it down, 99.
- To who? - Richard Burton or Laurence Olivier.
Max, we've got to get him help.
I-- I-- ( whispering ) What did he say, Max? He asked me to get my knee off his chest.
( theme music playing ) - Chief? - Not now, Larrabee.
Max, I don't know what I'm going to do about you.
You bungle assignment after assignment! I resent that, Chief.
- Do you deny it? - No, but I resent it.
The kidnapping of the Boluvian prime minister can cause international repercussions.
Now I have to go over to their consulate and apologize.
Now what am I going to say to them? Well, if you don't say anything, Chief, maybe they won't know that he's missing.
- And I'm certainly not gonna tell 'em.
- Max! - Chief? - Not now, Larrabee! If we don't rescue the prime minister, I'm going to see to it that you are held personally responsible.
Don't worry, Chief.
We're gonna find the prime minister.
Say, that is a nice tie you're wearing there, Chief.
But it has a little thread right on the end of it.
- I'll get it for you.
- Don't bother.
No bother at all, Chief.
There we are.
There, it's gone.
- Chief? - What is it, Larrabee?! I thought this might be important.
The three motorcycle policemen that Max picked were found bound and gagged in a deserted warehouse.
Of course that's important.
Why did you wait till now to tell me? - Is there anything else? - They found a black leather jacket with a purple knight insignia on it behind some packing cases.
- Thanks, Larrabee.
- Right, Chief.
Purple knight? Wait a minute, Chief! Remember when the prime minister's personal secretary was thrown out of the car? He said that one of the guys who threw him out said, "Fare thee well and get ye lost.
" This is the break we've been waiting for.
The men we're looking for are the Purple Knights.
Of course, the Purple Knights.
The Purple Knights! It's gotta be the Purple Knights! It's so clear now.
Who else could it be but the Purple Knights? One question, Chief.
( together ) Who are the Purple Knights? They're a hippie motorcycle gang who are trying to escape reality by pretending to be like King Arthur and his men.
Well, do you think it's possible that KAOS could have hired them to kidnap the prime minister? There's only one way to make sure-- we'll have to get someone to infiltrate that gang and find out.
Oh, well, 99 and I will go, Chief.
- Now where can we find them? - They usually hang out on the west side of town, on D Street, at a place called Dee Dee's Diner.
Well, I've got to go over to the consulate.
- Chief? - What? That tie doesn't go with that suit.
- Oh.
- ( drawer slides open ) ( pop music playing ) Here you are, Primey.
Like, KAOS said to feed thee well, man, and thou will eatest as well as us.
One chili dog and a pistachio moo juice.
I, like, had to feed the foreign face, babe.
Didst thou miss me, doll? Oh, forsooth, 'tis groovy to see by thine kisser how much thou lovest me.
( engine backfiring ) ( tires squealing, engine revving ) Max! I thought you'd never find the brake! I didn't.
I ran out of gas.
Hey, thou toolest a wicked bike, man.
Where'd you learn to ride like that? I took a driver education course at reform school.
I diggeth your sled the most, man.
Where'd you get it? In Toledo.
We stole it from a cop.
Yes, while he was riding it.
Who are thee? Well, you can just call me Wheels.
The chick's name is Legs.
I'm Brute, the boss cat around here.
And yon kitten is Doll Baby.
Well, nice to meet you, Doll Baby.
Wheels, thou shaketh hands the most.
Well, you don't exactly have a weak grip yourself.
Pucker up, Legs.
I wanna meet thee next.
( grunts ) Hey, thou hath strong arms, Legs.
Yes, well, now that the formalities are over, what do you cats do for kicks around here? Oh, we doth do the usual constructive things, man, like insulting the fuzz and terrorizing towns.
Big deal.
We do the same thing, only we terrorize taco stands.
You're putting us on.
Well, there are only two of us.
We have to terrorize small.
Did ye ever think of joining up with bigger gangs, Wheels? An important gang, like us? Give me one good reason.
Me.
Give me one bad reason.
- Light? - No, thanks.
- Forget it, man.
- Forget it, man.
Yes, okay.
Tell me, Brute, what do you guys do for bread around here? Oh, we do a little job every now and then.
Like, we're for hire if the price is right.
Thou diggest? Hey, Zombie! Put another hundred bucks in the jukebox.
So what dost thou say, Wheels? Wanna join up with us? Well, I'm not quite sure, Doll Baby.
I'll need a little time to think it over.
How much time pretty boy? - That's plenty.
- Not so fast, Dad.
Thou canst not join the Purple Knights without first passing a little test.
Oh, a little test in terrorizing, eh? Okay, what'll it be? Oral or written? Let's just say it's a test by combat.
A little jousting match.
You dig? Well, I'm not quite sure that I want to-- Hey, it's my turn.
- Thee must joust with me.
- I accept.
For reasons of my own, Dad, ye gotta do combat with me.
Only, first, we gotta take your measurements.
My measurements? Oh, for a club jacket when I pass.
For a pine box when thou fails.
Doll Baby: Let the joust begin! ( short fanfare ) The rules of combat! ( fanfare ) "Rules of combat: When Doll Baby signaleth, thou two jousters will rideth towards each other.
First cat to knock the other cat off his sled winneth, the other loseth.
" Arm the jousters! ( fanfare ) Max, he's an expert at this.
If he knocks you off, that's the end of us and our mission.
Don't worry, 99, I've had a lot of experience with these things.
Be careful, Max.
Doll Baby: Jousters, mount thy steeds and take thy places.
- ( fanfare ) - Knock it off! ( engines start ) Art thou ready, Brute? Crazy! Art thou ready, Wheels? The readiest! Max, that was a brilliant maneuver! - How did you do it? - I sneezed.
Max, you've gotta do something.
He's too good.
You can't rely on luck forever.
- There's only one thing we can do, 99.
- What's that? - Cheat.
- How? - St.
Louis, 1962.
- Good thinking, Max.
Jousters, get thee set again.
Go! Thee did it, thee did it! I want to be the first to congratulate ye.
All right, Doll Baby, let's shake hands again.
( coughing ) I guess that makes Wheels a knight, huh? For a day.
Okay, now hear me good, thou cats, this here knave, having lucked and cheated his way through trial by combat, is hereby dubbed a loyal and dishonorable member of the Purple Knights.
Like, easy, man.
Thou doesn't want to cause an accident.
( pop music playing ) Keep them busy.
Now I'll have a chance to find out if they know anything about the prime minister.
Right, Max.
I toast thee, baby-- to my knight in shining leather.
I'll drink to that.
All right, break it up, you two.
- I feel like dancing.
- Thanks, but I'm not in the mood.
Buzz off, varlet.
Tell me, Doll Baby, what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? Like, living, man, now that I met you.
I thought you and Brute were terrorizing around together.
Not anymore.
He terrorizes crude.
Hmm.
Yeah, he ain't got no class.
Like, wow.
( giggles ) I doth dig your way with words.
That's why I flipped for you the second I saw you.
You're not like the others.
Oh? What makes me so different from all the others? Well, you're handsome, charming, intelligent and absolutely fearless.
Exactly.
( laughs ) Thou shaketh a mean hip, Legs.
Thanks, Brute.
Yeah, thou art the most.
Ye can ride double with me any time.
I dig you, Brute, but it takes an awful lot of bread to keep me in leather.
And I got a bakery in yon room.
- Show me.
- Ooh, patience, lass, patience.
Listen, if you don't like it here, why don't you cut out? You must be jesting, man.
Brute'll scrap anybody who tries to get out before he gets rid of that joker in the backroom.
I see.
Tell me, that joker in the backroom wouldn't be a guy about 5'10" tall, green eyes, a black mustache and carrying an attache case with the seal of a foreign government on its flap, would he? Like, yeah.
How could you tell? Eh lucky guess.
( snoring ) ( yelps ) ( snoring continuing ) They even sleep mean.
Max, we made it.
Now all we have to do is unchain the prime minister and get him out of here.
Right.
Max! Don't tell me there's someone in those boots, 99.
There's someone in those boots.
I asked you not to tell me that.
And just where doth thee think you're going, man? Eh yes.
Well, you see, when I have nightmares, I always crawl in my sleep.
And what's thine excuse? Mine? I've been traveling so long with Wheels I share his nightmares.
Ye can both knock it off.
I figured you two for a couple of phonies right from the start.
- Ye ain't like the rest of us.
- Oh, really? Whateth maketh thou thay thateth? - Why do you say that? - Ye don't need a haircut.
I can tell ye from she without guessing.
You call her "99.
" You know, this cat's the prime minister.
And you're wearing a shirt that says "CONTROL Bowling Team.
" Well, I gotta go along with him on that one.
- The man is right.
He's right.
- Get 'em out of here! You can't do it to him! Thou will see, fair maid.
We're gonna split.
When we split, lady, so does your friend.
( cackling ) - No! - Brute: Hey, stay put, chick-- right where thou art.
Thee, I want nothing to happen to.
Dig? ( smooches ) Hey, Wheels, aren't thou gonna wish us bon voyage? You'd better reconsider, Brute.
I'm warning ya.
Art thou kidding, man? Hey, look, we've got the prime minister.
And KAOS will probably pay us double for getting a top CONTROL agent.
I wouldn't be too sure about that, because at this very moment this entire area is being surrounded by 100 highway patrolmen with Doberman pinschers.
Like, I don't dig, man.
Would you dig four deputies and a bloodhound? Still don't dig.
How about a Boy Scout with rabies? You don't grab me, baby.
Well, see you in other parts, man.
And I do mean parts.
( engines start, rev ) One! Two! Three! ( splashing ) - Max, are you all right? - Certainly, 99.
You didn't expect a little thing like that to make me go to pieces.
But, Max, I don't understand.
It's almost as if someone Max, look! They're coming back! Come on, 99.
( engine starts ) ( motorcycles approaching ) Chief, if it wasn't for this young lady, I wouldn't be here today.
Doll Baby, I'd like you to meet the Chief.
Chief, Doll Baby.
Ah! Don't shake hands, Chief, your wife would never forgive you.
Max, the Boluvian Embassy already called to congratulate us on the safe return of their prime minister.
He's ready to resume his mission.
That's wonderful, Chief.
What is his mission? He's here to borrow $20 billion from our government.
After what happened, we're lucky his country still wants to take our money.
What would be so terrible if they didn't? I'm surprised at you, Doll Baby.
If they didn't take our money, they'd have no reason to resent us.
And if they didn't resent us, we could never really be sure that they were our friends.
( theme music playing )
You follow me in the car.
Right, Max.
( revving ) Okay ( groaning ) It's his aide.
Listen, we've got to talk to you.
Do you have an appointment? An appointment?! What are you talking about? You were just thrown out of a moving car.
What happened? I'm sorry.
I cannot give out any information unless it is first approved by our press secretary.
Do you realize that you're dying? I'm sorry.
I cannot give you any information about that either.
Listen, we're CONTROL agents.
We've got to find out who kidnapped your prime minister and we've gotta get him back.
Oh, I'd better make a note of that.
He always wants to know in the morning what he's been doing.
Will you forget protocol? Tell us what happened! There were two men hidden in the back seat.
They pushed me out of the car.
Can you tell us anything at all about them? Well, outside of the fact that they were amazingly ruthless they were surprisingly polite.
Well, of course, after all, you're a stranger in this country.
There is such a thing as good old American hospitality, you know.
they were polite? Yes, before he pushed me out, one of them said, "Fare thee well and get ye lost.
" "Fare thee well and get ye lost.
" Well, that narrows it down, 99.
- To who? - Richard Burton or Laurence Olivier.
Max, we've got to get him help.
I-- I-- ( whispering ) What did he say, Max? He asked me to get my knee off his chest.
( theme music playing ) - Chief? - Not now, Larrabee.
Max, I don't know what I'm going to do about you.
You bungle assignment after assignment! I resent that, Chief.
- Do you deny it? - No, but I resent it.
The kidnapping of the Boluvian prime minister can cause international repercussions.
Now I have to go over to their consulate and apologize.
Now what am I going to say to them? Well, if you don't say anything, Chief, maybe they won't know that he's missing.
- And I'm certainly not gonna tell 'em.
- Max! - Chief? - Not now, Larrabee! If we don't rescue the prime minister, I'm going to see to it that you are held personally responsible.
Don't worry, Chief.
We're gonna find the prime minister.
Say, that is a nice tie you're wearing there, Chief.
But it has a little thread right on the end of it.
- I'll get it for you.
- Don't bother.
No bother at all, Chief.
There we are.
There, it's gone.
- Chief? - What is it, Larrabee?! I thought this might be important.
The three motorcycle policemen that Max picked were found bound and gagged in a deserted warehouse.
Of course that's important.
Why did you wait till now to tell me? - Is there anything else? - They found a black leather jacket with a purple knight insignia on it behind some packing cases.
- Thanks, Larrabee.
- Right, Chief.
Purple knight? Wait a minute, Chief! Remember when the prime minister's personal secretary was thrown out of the car? He said that one of the guys who threw him out said, "Fare thee well and get ye lost.
" This is the break we've been waiting for.
The men we're looking for are the Purple Knights.
Of course, the Purple Knights.
The Purple Knights! It's gotta be the Purple Knights! It's so clear now.
Who else could it be but the Purple Knights? One question, Chief.
( together ) Who are the Purple Knights? They're a hippie motorcycle gang who are trying to escape reality by pretending to be like King Arthur and his men.
Well, do you think it's possible that KAOS could have hired them to kidnap the prime minister? There's only one way to make sure-- we'll have to get someone to infiltrate that gang and find out.
Oh, well, 99 and I will go, Chief.
- Now where can we find them? - They usually hang out on the west side of town, on D Street, at a place called Dee Dee's Diner.
Well, I've got to go over to the consulate.
- Chief? - What? That tie doesn't go with that suit.
- Oh.
- ( drawer slides open ) ( pop music playing ) Here you are, Primey.
Like, KAOS said to feed thee well, man, and thou will eatest as well as us.
One chili dog and a pistachio moo juice.
I, like, had to feed the foreign face, babe.
Didst thou miss me, doll? Oh, forsooth, 'tis groovy to see by thine kisser how much thou lovest me.
( engine backfiring ) ( tires squealing, engine revving ) Max! I thought you'd never find the brake! I didn't.
I ran out of gas.
Hey, thou toolest a wicked bike, man.
Where'd you learn to ride like that? I took a driver education course at reform school.
I diggeth your sled the most, man.
Where'd you get it? In Toledo.
We stole it from a cop.
Yes, while he was riding it.
Who are thee? Well, you can just call me Wheels.
The chick's name is Legs.
I'm Brute, the boss cat around here.
And yon kitten is Doll Baby.
Well, nice to meet you, Doll Baby.
Wheels, thou shaketh hands the most.
Well, you don't exactly have a weak grip yourself.
Pucker up, Legs.
I wanna meet thee next.
( grunts ) Hey, thou hath strong arms, Legs.
Yes, well, now that the formalities are over, what do you cats do for kicks around here? Oh, we doth do the usual constructive things, man, like insulting the fuzz and terrorizing towns.
Big deal.
We do the same thing, only we terrorize taco stands.
You're putting us on.
Well, there are only two of us.
We have to terrorize small.
Did ye ever think of joining up with bigger gangs, Wheels? An important gang, like us? Give me one good reason.
Me.
Give me one bad reason.
- Light? - No, thanks.
- Forget it, man.
- Forget it, man.
Yes, okay.
Tell me, Brute, what do you guys do for bread around here? Oh, we do a little job every now and then.
Like, we're for hire if the price is right.
Thou diggest? Hey, Zombie! Put another hundred bucks in the jukebox.
So what dost thou say, Wheels? Wanna join up with us? Well, I'm not quite sure, Doll Baby.
I'll need a little time to think it over.
How much time pretty boy? - That's plenty.
- Not so fast, Dad.
Thou canst not join the Purple Knights without first passing a little test.
Oh, a little test in terrorizing, eh? Okay, what'll it be? Oral or written? Let's just say it's a test by combat.
A little jousting match.
You dig? Well, I'm not quite sure that I want to-- Hey, it's my turn.
- Thee must joust with me.
- I accept.
For reasons of my own, Dad, ye gotta do combat with me.
Only, first, we gotta take your measurements.
My measurements? Oh, for a club jacket when I pass.
For a pine box when thou fails.
Doll Baby: Let the joust begin! ( short fanfare ) The rules of combat! ( fanfare ) "Rules of combat: When Doll Baby signaleth, thou two jousters will rideth towards each other.
First cat to knock the other cat off his sled winneth, the other loseth.
" Arm the jousters! ( fanfare ) Max, he's an expert at this.
If he knocks you off, that's the end of us and our mission.
Don't worry, 99, I've had a lot of experience with these things.
Be careful, Max.
Doll Baby: Jousters, mount thy steeds and take thy places.
- ( fanfare ) - Knock it off! ( engines start ) Art thou ready, Brute? Crazy! Art thou ready, Wheels? The readiest! Max, that was a brilliant maneuver! - How did you do it? - I sneezed.
Max, you've gotta do something.
He's too good.
You can't rely on luck forever.
- There's only one thing we can do, 99.
- What's that? - Cheat.
- How? - St.
Louis, 1962.
- Good thinking, Max.
Jousters, get thee set again.
Go! Thee did it, thee did it! I want to be the first to congratulate ye.
All right, Doll Baby, let's shake hands again.
( coughing ) I guess that makes Wheels a knight, huh? For a day.
Okay, now hear me good, thou cats, this here knave, having lucked and cheated his way through trial by combat, is hereby dubbed a loyal and dishonorable member of the Purple Knights.
Like, easy, man.
Thou doesn't want to cause an accident.
( pop music playing ) Keep them busy.
Now I'll have a chance to find out if they know anything about the prime minister.
Right, Max.
I toast thee, baby-- to my knight in shining leather.
I'll drink to that.
All right, break it up, you two.
- I feel like dancing.
- Thanks, but I'm not in the mood.
Buzz off, varlet.
Tell me, Doll Baby, what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? Like, living, man, now that I met you.
I thought you and Brute were terrorizing around together.
Not anymore.
He terrorizes crude.
Hmm.
Yeah, he ain't got no class.
Like, wow.
( giggles ) I doth dig your way with words.
That's why I flipped for you the second I saw you.
You're not like the others.
Oh? What makes me so different from all the others? Well, you're handsome, charming, intelligent and absolutely fearless.
Exactly.
( laughs ) Thou shaketh a mean hip, Legs.
Thanks, Brute.
Yeah, thou art the most.
Ye can ride double with me any time.
I dig you, Brute, but it takes an awful lot of bread to keep me in leather.
And I got a bakery in yon room.
- Show me.
- Ooh, patience, lass, patience.
Listen, if you don't like it here, why don't you cut out? You must be jesting, man.
Brute'll scrap anybody who tries to get out before he gets rid of that joker in the backroom.
I see.
Tell me, that joker in the backroom wouldn't be a guy about 5'10" tall, green eyes, a black mustache and carrying an attache case with the seal of a foreign government on its flap, would he? Like, yeah.
How could you tell? Eh lucky guess.
( snoring ) ( yelps ) ( snoring continuing ) They even sleep mean.
Max, we made it.
Now all we have to do is unchain the prime minister and get him out of here.
Right.
Max! Don't tell me there's someone in those boots, 99.
There's someone in those boots.
I asked you not to tell me that.
And just where doth thee think you're going, man? Eh yes.
Well, you see, when I have nightmares, I always crawl in my sleep.
And what's thine excuse? Mine? I've been traveling so long with Wheels I share his nightmares.
Ye can both knock it off.
I figured you two for a couple of phonies right from the start.
- Ye ain't like the rest of us.
- Oh, really? Whateth maketh thou thay thateth? - Why do you say that? - Ye don't need a haircut.
I can tell ye from she without guessing.
You call her "99.
" You know, this cat's the prime minister.
And you're wearing a shirt that says "CONTROL Bowling Team.
" Well, I gotta go along with him on that one.
- The man is right.
He's right.
- Get 'em out of here! You can't do it to him! Thou will see, fair maid.
We're gonna split.
When we split, lady, so does your friend.
( cackling ) - No! - Brute: Hey, stay put, chick-- right where thou art.
Thee, I want nothing to happen to.
Dig? ( smooches ) Hey, Wheels, aren't thou gonna wish us bon voyage? You'd better reconsider, Brute.
I'm warning ya.
Art thou kidding, man? Hey, look, we've got the prime minister.
And KAOS will probably pay us double for getting a top CONTROL agent.
I wouldn't be too sure about that, because at this very moment this entire area is being surrounded by 100 highway patrolmen with Doberman pinschers.
Like, I don't dig, man.
Would you dig four deputies and a bloodhound? Still don't dig.
How about a Boy Scout with rabies? You don't grab me, baby.
Well, see you in other parts, man.
And I do mean parts.
( engines start, rev ) One! Two! Three! ( splashing ) - Max, are you all right? - Certainly, 99.
You didn't expect a little thing like that to make me go to pieces.
But, Max, I don't understand.
It's almost as if someone Max, look! They're coming back! Come on, 99.
( engine starts ) ( motorcycles approaching ) Chief, if it wasn't for this young lady, I wouldn't be here today.
Doll Baby, I'd like you to meet the Chief.
Chief, Doll Baby.
Ah! Don't shake hands, Chief, your wife would never forgive you.
Max, the Boluvian Embassy already called to congratulate us on the safe return of their prime minister.
He's ready to resume his mission.
That's wonderful, Chief.
What is his mission? He's here to borrow $20 billion from our government.
After what happened, we're lucky his country still wants to take our money.
What would be so terrible if they didn't? I'm surprised at you, Doll Baby.
If they didn't take our money, they'd have no reason to resent us.
And if they didn't resent us, we could never really be sure that they were our friends.
( theme music playing )