Grounded For Life (2001) s03e11 Episode Script

Dad, everything looks so great.
I can't believe you shut the bar down for me.
Hey, hey.
It's not every day my little girl turns 16, huh? Mwah.
Dad, who's that guy? Oh, that's, uh, that's Mickey.
He's a regular.
Baby, he's been here since this morning.
I didn't have the heart to kick him out.
I don't want a barfly at my birthday party.
Just, uh, think of him as a decoration.
Big problem in the ladies' room.
What kind of problem? Let's just say it's big.
Ohh.
Look, Lily's friends are gonna be here soon.
What are we supposed to do? That's not a problem.
I took the ladies' room sign, I put it on the men's room.
What are the men supposed to do? Glad you asked.
Come on, ed, that goes to the alley.
We'll make it nice.
I'll put the sports section up on the dumpster out there.
I can't believe you're 16.
God, this is such a big day for you.
Yeah, and I think it might be an even bigger night.
No.
Yes! Dean? Yes! No! Yes! I mean, I've been thinking about it, and and I don't know.
I think it's right, you know? I think.
Right? Oh, yeah.
I mean, you guys are totally in love, right? Yes.
We are connecting on every level.
Levels I didn't even know I had, we're connecting on.
You are so lucky.
I know, and I think it's about time.
I mean, what do you think? Well, you're 16.
Exactly.
I mean, when I was 15, no way, that's skanky.
Yeah.
But by 17 Past it.
Totally, why even bother? Come on.
So, does Dean know? Not yet.
I'm gonna surprise him.
Uh, are you prepared? Not yet, and I need to be.
Wait a minute.
There's a condom machine in the ladies' room? There are urinals in the ladies' room? Gross! Ew! Uncle Eddie, why are there urinals in the ladies' room? No, those are French-style sinks.
Whatever.
Ok, give me some quarters.
Damn! The machine's broken! What a ripoff! You should complain to your dad.
Could you go to the drugstore and get me some? But I It'll be like your present to me.
I already got you a scrunchie! Go! all right, I've been looking for a way for this bar to sell more beer, and I think I got it.
Better beer? Worse food.
I've created chicken wings so preposterously hot that you gotta buy lots of beer to wash it down.
Can I taste? No, no.
They're way too hot for kids.
Come on.
All right.
It's your palate.
Yeah.
Welcome to the inferno.
Yeah, well, when do you put the hot sauce on? Ok, I got your condoms.
How many did you buy? Oh.
I also got charcoal.
Well, I couldn't just buy condoms.
Anyway, I just saw Dean, and he looks totally hot.
He's here? Mm-hmm.
Ok.
Here goes.
Say hello to my little friend! Don't kill me, Tony, no, Tony, no! No, no, no, no.
I not gonna kill you, ok? Ok? Oh, thank you, Tony, thank you.
Oh, god.
I can't look.
Since when is your dad so buddy-buddy with Dean? I know.
Doesn't it suck? When dad thought Dean was a degenerate, we used to sneak around, and it was really romantic But now Ha ha ha ha! Come on, come on! Sean! Come on! This is not fair! Oh, hey, Lily, guess what? Me and Dean wear exactly the same size shoe.
That's right.
10 1/2-d.
Should we switch back now? What's the rush? Lily, go get a camera.
No! Change back.
But I want everyone in their own freakin' shoes! All I asked was for my dad to please be nice to him, and now look what I got.
They're practically lovers.
Sean.
Yes, my pretty one? Honey, you were supposed to get a baby-sitter for Henry tonight, remember? You are so out of it.
I'm not out of it.
How do you do that? You come with me.
I show you.
Come on, baby.
I was watching Henry all day.
He was playing his x-box, he was riding his bike.
Mm-hmm, and where did he get an x-box and a bike? Santa? We're Santa.
Apparently Henry has found a way to supplement his allowance.
Hi, would you like to make a donation to a shelter for runaway kids? What's the name of it? St.
Charles place.
Oh, yeah, I think I've heard of that.
It helps keep kids from going directly to jail.
Honey, our 9-year-old is a grifter.
Baby, I'm sorry, but look at this, you know.
I spent so much time getting this party together.
I i got all the food, I got the drinks, I mixed this dance tape.
Honey, nobody's dancing.
Baby, you gotta prime the pump first.
Yeah.
Ok, ok.
Dean's alone now.
You can make your move.
How do I look? Hot.
I know.
Dean? Hey, Lily! Happy birthday! Hi, Brad.
Got you this present.
Oh, that's sweet, but, you know, I can't take it.
I'm with Dean.
I hope you didn't go to too much trouble.
Oh, this No.
You know? It's just a stupid box that when you opened it, it was a toy puppy was gonna pop out with a gift certificate in its mouth, and then hanging from the collar were all these special little charms I got from different places around town, but, you know, I can use it, right? Oh, good.
Ha ha.
If you need me, you know, I'll be right there.
Ok, tough guy, this time, I used 5 different kinds of peppers and a blend of tabasco sauce developed by the Mexican secret service.
Lemony.
Where do you want me to put the bones? Have you ever considered professional stunt eating? Dean.
You having fun? Oh, yeah.
Good, 'cause, um, there's something I wanted to tell you.
What's that? Well, I was thinking Attention, please.
Excuse me.
Where is the guest of hon Ah! There she is! She's hidin' out 'cause she knows her old man's gonna make a speech.
Excuse me, Dean.
Hey, you.
Ok.
What can I say about the light of my life? Hmm? Well, I remember when Lily was, oh, this high, she had so many freckles, you know what we used to call her? Dot? Uh, no, no, that would have been good.
No, no.
We called her freckle monster.
You know, and then when she turned 13, the old freckles turned to pimples.
Dad! And then Sean, I i have to take Henry home, all right? He does not belong here.
I was just using the bathroom! Ok, I'll hold down the fort.
Uh uh, where was I? Oh, yeah, the goat farms.
So, there was this one old goat, you know, and he's Dad.
How many chicken wings are too many? Why? It burns when I pee.
Oh, god! Claudia! Ok.
Claudia, wait up! Eddie, we might have to go to the emergency room.
Just take care of everything, ok?! Eddie: Everything's under control.
Hey, you.
You're in charge.
So, um, you want to get out of here? Are you crazy, baby? We're gonna miss the cake.
We don't need cake.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm up a pound.
It's probably a smart move.
Um, yeah, and besides, you might get something better than cake.
Oh, man.
I know.
Oh, man.
I know.
I need to buy you a better present.
Did you see that nurse in the E.
R.
? She was definitely checking me out.
That's because you were screaming and crying.
Well, at least an orderly didn't have to remove me from the ladies' room.
I thought that the symbol on the door was a man with his shirt tucked out! Henry, you're gonna have to stop doing that, all right? Oh, you're still a little warm.
I'm gonna get you a thermometer.
I think I'm old enough to use the one that goes in my mouth now.
I know.
Could have told 'em that at the hospital.
Mom! You're back.
Lily, how come you're home so early from your party? Oh, you know how it is after parents leave a party.
The whole thing just totally dies.
So so we came back early, but why am I boring you with this? Wait, wait.
"We came home"? What? You said we came back early.
No, I i meant to say me came back early.
Ok, Dean and I came back early to To what? Why are you staring at me? Oh, god, I look different.
Do I look different? Dean's in there, isn't he? No.
Lily, you came back here to sleep with Dean? Yes, that is why I came back here.
Dean? Yeah? When we first met, I knew you'd be the guy I'd be doing this with, but I'm so glad I waited, and I'm ready.
Me, too.
Now do do we take our pants off at the same time, or does that not even matter? Um, I don't know.
Whatever.
Ok, I'll start, then.
Um, o-ok, ok, Dean? Dean.
Dean.
Yeah.
What are you feeling? Happy.
I-I'm definitely happy right now.
Ok, me, too.
Good.
Why? Well, you know, 'cause we're about to Oh, no, no, no.
What about me makes you happy? I don't know.
You, um Your hair, it's, uh It's fiery Like you.
You like that my hair is red? Come on, baby, I'm no good at this.
I mean, you could have given me a little notice.
You're not supposed to need notice.
This is supposed to be on your mind every time you see me.
Ok.
Ok.
Um Your room.
I mean, come on, look at this.
I mean, what you've done with it it's beautiful.
That's something.
Yeah, yeah, that's something.
I mean It's not all that much.
It's practically nothing.
What do you want me to say? Nothing, nothing.
This wasn't such a good idea.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Baby, listen to me.
Don't doubt yourself.
Ok, this is a fantastic idea.
No, it isn't.
So what do you want to do? Do you want to go back to your party? No, you go.
I might hang out here for a while.
Ok.
But this has nothing to do with me being up a pound, right? I put it on, I could take it off.
See you later, Dean.
All right.
See ya.
Honey, I am so proud of you! Well, whatever.
No, really.
I mean, that could not have been easy.
You are gonna be so happy you waited for the right guy.
Lily, I can't find my sock Mrs.
finnerty! Brad.
I told you to climb out the window! But they're new socks! Claudia: Lily! Sean: Kids, come on! Oh, god! Go! Oh, hey, hey, you two sure got quiet all of a sudden.
Am I interrupting some girl talk? No, uh-uh.
No.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess it would be woman talk, 'cause now you're a woman.
What? Why would you say that? 'Cause you just turned 16, baby! All right, good night, boys.
Both: Good night.
Hey, anyone want a sandwich? No, I'm good.
I'm good.
How in the world did this happen? Hey, I was surprised, too.
Lily, is that you? Yeah.
Is something wrong? Nah.
I'm just feelin' a little blue.
What are you doing out here? I guess I'm feeling a little blue, too.
Plus, my dad locked me out again.
You look freezing.
Brad, I blew you off tonight for, like, the 4,000th time.
Why are you always so nice to me? I don't know.
I guess it's Too hard not to be.
What's wrong? Dean.
I just wanted him to say some stuff about me.
You know, maybe feel some stuff And he didn't.
So that's my birthday story.
It's no big deal, though.
Anyway, thank you for your jacket.
See you tomorrow.
The stuff You wanted Dean to say Was it, you know, like The way you look when you're happy about something? What do you mean? When you smile, it's like It's like your eyes are smiling, too.
Yeah, that would haven been ok.
Or how, you know When that storm knocked that nest out of that tree, you went and got a ladder and put it back Even though you're totally afraid of heights.
You saw that? My dad locks me out a lot.
You know, he could have said something about how you know when you take a sip from the water fountain at school? You always use, like, both your fingers to push your hair back behind your ear.
You know Like that.
Anyone who pays attention, there are a million nice things they could say about you.
What did you do that for? I guess it was too hard not to.
Wow.
Yeah.
It was like a dream, Mrs.
finnerty, a beautiful, dirty, nasty You listen to me.
There is a man downstairs making a sandwich with a knife.
If he finds out what happened, he's going to stop making said sandwich, come up here, and kill you.
For your own safety, please, leave.
Wait.
Can I get in on one of those sandwiches? No.
Till tomorrow, my freckle monster.
Ohh! Stop calling me that.
Sorry.
I'm glad it was you.
Me, too.
Hey, if you find my sock Get out! Are we gonna have one of those talks? Yes, we are.
You're not gonna make me put a condom on a banana again, are you? No.
I think we're past that.
Weâ are past that, right? Yeah.
Right.
Sweetpea, I want to talk to you about what's going on inside your head, ok? I mean, you took some pretty big steps today.
Yeah, I know.
But I'm ok, mom.
I think.
It's weird.
Dean is so cool, and all my friends are totally jealous, and Brad can be such a dork.
And yet I know.
It just felt Sweetie, I know.
I know.
I know what it feels like to be 16 and Just give yourself over to the moment.
But, honey, I also know what it is to be 17 and go shopping for maternity dresses for your prom.
Got it.
Good.
Mom, how do you know you made the right decision with dad? Here's the thing about your dad, lil.
He thinks he's a Dean, and really he's a Brad.
And that's ok? It's perfect.
Ohh.
So, tell me is every guy gonna insist on an hour of cuddling? Probably not.
Oh, hey, Brad, hey.
Hi, Mr.
finnerty.
How was the party? Oh, uh, uh, it was fun.
Bye, Mr.
finnerty.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on down here.
Let's catch up.
I bet I know why you came by.
To give Lily another present, huh? So, uh Yeah, it was something I was just saving for a special occasion.
Brad, you know that story, the little engine that could? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"I think I can, I think I can.
" Yeah.
You can't.
Oh You know, and what the little engine's buddies should've told him was, uh, "quit, give up," you know? I know how much you like Lily, ok, but she's just never gonna like you that way.
Well, you know, I mean The little engine did do it.
It's not a direct analogy, Brad.
It's just, like Lily's with Dean.
Ok? And I don't see that changing anytime soon, so you should just kinda wrap your mind around the fact that, you know Something funny? No.
No, it's, uh I'm just so happy for Lily.
That's the spirit, buddy.
Whoa, Brad, hey.
Looks like you missed a few belt loops there, kid.
You're gonna have to sharpen up if you wanna find that special somebody.
Okey-dokey.
All right.
Oh, hey, lil.
Hey, did Brad get away leave? Yeah.
With his tail between his legs as usual.
Poor doofus.
Oh, what a dork.
Hey, listen, I was thinking maybe we should go to the batting cages Saturday with Dean.
He keeps telling me he can hit an 80-mile-an-hour slider.
Dad, Dean's Dean's out.
Oh, no.
Dean has to go.
I mean, if there's not enough room, maybe we can leave Henry behind.
He just gets beaned by the ball and No.
Dad Dean's really out.
What did you do? I haven't done anything yet.
But whose side are you on here? I'm on yours, yours, of course.
It's just God, it's so It's sudden, I mean I mean, that's it.
Just "Dean's out" like I know.
But it'll be ok.
I guess you're right.
Maybe I'll even like the next guy better.
Or the one after that.
You know, your mom's right.
I really i really haven't been You know, that aware of what's going on lately, and I just want you to know that I'm here to talk anytime you want.
You know, that's what dads are for.
They help guide the little girls through the rough stuff.
Well, you've got so much on your mind.
I wouldn't wanna No.
Hey, hey, my family's the only thing on my mind, so if you ever wanna talk about anything Just come to me.
Anything? Yeah, sure.
Try me.
Ok.
Your condom machine's busted.
Isn't this great, huh? washing their car.
Yeah, I guess.
Hey.
Hey! What are you, psycho? Come on.
It's fun.
Fun.
Fun.
This almost took my eye out.
Look at the corners on this thing.
Come on, throw it back at me.
Come on.
How about I just sue you, all right? What, I gotta teach you how to have fun washing a car? Our ideas of fun do not mesh.
Hey, Jimmy! Henry!