Hey Arnold! (1996) s03e11 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
MR. SIMMONS: People.
People, take your seats.
As you know, today is a very
exciting and special day.
Today is Career Day!
(KIDS GROANING)
So, we're gonna have a bunch
of boring old bald guys
come in and lecture us on how
we have to study hard
if we wanna be
President someday?
Well, I can't vouch for
how much hair anyone has
but I promise you, Helga,
no lectures today.
Instead of having the careers
come to you,
you are going to go
to the careers.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
We get the day off
from school?
(ALL CHEERING)
Come on in, everyone.
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
I wrote all the careers
on slips of paper and put them
in this hat.
Everyone, come on up
and pick a slip.
I get to be a fireman!
I get to be a cop?
I get to be a pilot!
I get to be
a construction worker?
I got the Jolly Olly man!
That's great!
Spending the whole day
in an ice cream truck stuffing
your face with ice cream?
But, Gerald,
the Jolly Olly man
is a stingy,
mean-spirited jerk
who hates kids
and is constantly teetering
on the brink of insanity.
Everything's always gotta be
perfect with you, doesn't it?
Oh, and by the way, kids,
your career mentor is going
to grade your performance
at the end of the day
so remember to stay
in your best behavior,
and mind your mentors!
Okay kid, get in the back
of the truck.
But that's the freezer!
Look! You gotta do
what I say, right?
So listen up.
I don't wanna do this.
I really don't wanna do this.
But my boss made me,
so we're stuck together.
That means you get back
in the freezer
or you'll fail.
All right, all right! Sheesh!
(ENGINE STARTS)
Some Career Day!
Wonder what everyone else
is doing right now.
And over here,
we have the oxygen tanks.
That's an ax, and here's
(RINGING)
W What's going on?
(LAUGHS)
Not to worry, Gerald.
It's a fire.
A real, live fire.
Let's put it out, shall we?
(SIREN WAILING)
HELGA: Come on,
just let me see it.
Just for a second,
I promise
I won't whack anyone.
Sorry, kid, no can do.
DISPATCH: (ON RADIO)
Attention, all units!
Bank robbery in progress
in Jefferson in Maine.
Let's roll!
(SIREN WAILING)
Okay, now,
you just yank
this lever here.
But it'll destroy
that historic
Just pull it, I say.
Oh! That was exhilarating.
(JOLLY OLLY JINGLE PLAYING)
Hi, can I help you?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Only one person talks
to the customers
and that's me. You got it?
Oh, uh, sorry.
What do you want?
Can I please have a snowcone?
What do you think
you're doing?
Only one person here handles
the money and that's me.
You hear me?
I didn't know.
(MOCKING) You didn't know?
"I didn't know!" Yeah?
Well, now you know, don't you?
Um, yeah.
Good. Keep it that way.
(CLOSES DOOR)
(ENGINE STARTS)
Wait Where's my snowcone?
Let me get this straight.
I can't sit in the front,
I can't talk to customers,
I can't even handle money.
What am I supposed
to do all day?
Oh, you wanna help?
You wanna help?
Yeah. I wanna help.
That's why I'm here.
Then be quiet and clean all
the ice off the side
of the freezers.
And keep it off!
(CHILDREN CLAMORING)
Hey, you gave me strawberry.
I wanted chocolate.
We're out of chocolate.
Take it or leave it, kid.
Now which one of you munchkins
wanted Italian ice?
Me! Me!
You must be kidding, junior.
You gotta have something
smaller than a ten.
You!
Put this back in the freezer.
But
But nothing!
Who rules around here,
I run the show!
Okay, let's go!
(SHOUTING)
Hey, stop the truck.
Some kids
are trying to catch up.
JOLLY OLLY MAN: Is that so?
(CLAMORING)
(JOLLY OLLY MAN LAUGHING)
I can't thank you enough
for saving my baby's life.
Yes, young Gerald here
has done an exemplary job.
Just trying to help, ma'am.
He'll be getting an A
for his Career Day grade.
That's for sure.
Hope you boys like prison food
'cause you'll be getting
a lot of it. (SNICKERS)
Nice touch, Helga.
And thanks for helping me out
back at the bank.
No problem.
I knew that jiu-jitsu class
would come in handy someday.
Well, I guess I can
tell you right now,
you'll be getting an A
for Career Day.
You're doing a bang-up job
here, Phoebe.
I never knew
demolishing things
could be so invigorating.
It's what I live for.
Hey, in case you're wondering,
I'm giving you an A-plus
on your grade slip.
Mr. Jolly Olly man,
I scraped all the ice
off the freezer.
What do you want? A medal?
Well, no, but that reminds me.
You're kinda supposed
to give me a grade
for Career Day and I
was just wondering
Hmm. What kind of a grade
am I going to give you?
Let's see now.
I'm gonna give you an F.
A big fat F. (LAUGHS)
But that's not fair.
Life ain't always fair,
now is it?
Your numbers are down, Willie.
Way down.
(NERVOUSLY) Hey, hey,
it's not my fault if kids
today don't like ice cream.
That's not
the problem, Willie.
The problem is you.
(GASPS) What?
What do you mean me?
The problem can't be me.
BOSS: Oh, yeah? Well,
this is your last chance.
I'm giving you till sundown
to sell off the rest
of your stock.
And I mean every last
ice cream bar.
Or that's it! You're fired.
(STUTTERS) Fired?
Sundown, Willie.
Wow, that's really rough.
You're telling me
it's rough.
This whole life is rough.
You don't really like
your job, do you?
Kid, you have no idea
what my life is like.
It ain't pretty,
let me tell you.
Every morning the same,
driving five lousy miles
an hour down these mean,
desperate, dirty streets.
This city,
it's a spiritual desert
devoid of beauty and love.
(HISSING)
Every day, just another
menial cycle
of counting nickels,
doling out snowcones
to screaming,
whining little punks,
mopping out the muck
from the freezers
at the end of the day.
(SNIFFLING)
Mr. Jolly Olly man.
(SOBBING) Now,
I'm gonna lose all that.
I'm gonna be fired! Again!
Maybe if you reason
with your boss,
you know,
just talk to him calmly
I can't talk to that man!
I never could
ever since I was a kid!
You've known your boss
since you were a kid?
He's my dad. (SOBBING)
Your boss is your own dad?
And he's gonna fire you?
You don't know the half of it.
Fifty-seven jobs and I've been
fired from every one of them.
Why? Why? Why?
Ah! Great!
That's gonna come out
of my salary.
Maybe there's a way
you can still keep your job.
What are you, crazy,
you little clown?
Look at all this ice cream.
I'm serious.
You can sell out
your whole truck by 6:00.
All you have to do is change
your attitude a little bit.
My attitude? What's wrong
with my attitude?
Look. I'll make you a deal.
I'll help you sell out
the rest of your ice cream
so you can keep your job,
then you give me a passing
grade for Career Day.
What do you say?
All right, you got yourself
a deal, partner.
ARNOLD: Treat your customers
with respect.
Always say please
and thank you.
Please take your crummy change
and thanks for nothing.
ARNOLD: A positive attitude
makes a big difference.
Give your customers
a friendly smile.
(KIDS GASP)
(ALL SCREAMING)
ARNOLD: Always keep your truck
clean and neat.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Hey, Mr. Jolly Olly man,
wait for me!
ARNOLD: And remember,
every customer matters.
No matter how small.
Okay, careful now.
Don't spill.
Hey, this is great.
We must be almost out
of ice cream,
and that'll show
that lousy boss of mine.
Um, Mr. Jolly Olly man
We've been selling
our brains out,
and we've still got half
a freezer full of ice cream!
Aw!
We'll never get rid
of all this by sundown.
Hold on a sec.
What time is it?
Quarter past 4:00.
I've got an idea.
What were you talking
about, Arnold?
There's no one here
except my lousy dad.
Be patient.
Hey! It's the Jolly Olly man.
What do you say,
we all get a round
of ice cream to celebrate?
Sounds good to me.
(ALL CLAMORING)
Ice cream! Ice cream!
Come and get it!
(CLAMORING CONTINUES)
I don't believe it.
I sold them all, Arnold.
I can keep my job.
Congratulations,
Mr. Jolly Olly man.
Thanks, Arnold. Thanks a lot.
Now, about my grade.
Oh, your grade! That's right.
You'll get an F, kid.
A big fat F.
Huh?
"F" for "friendly"!
Just kidding. (LAUGHS)
You get an A!
I guess the laugh's
on you now, huh, Dad?
Oh, yeah! You thought you were
gonna fire me, didn't you?
Well, now you can't fire me,
'cause I sold
all my ice cream.
Every last one.
Oh, and the kids love me.
I'm the Jolly Olly man!
I'm staying right here!
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
(KIDS CHATTERING)
(HORNS HONKING)
"You are cordially invited
to the social event
of the season.
"A soiree at 5:00 p.m.
this Saturday at the home
of Ms. Rhonda Lloyd.
"A light supper will be served
and there will be dancing"?
I reckon this here's
our first boy-girl party.
Yeah, I guess so.
I don't know.
It seems pretty
sophisticated to me.
I mean, girls and dancing?
Oh, I reckon girls
are all right.
And even dancing might
not be so bad.
Unless you wind up having
to dance with someone like
Big Patty.
Yeah. Well,
I think girls are stupid.
And I think dancing's
stupid, too.
If I ever get with a girl,
I better drop dead.
(GAGS)
Well, there's probably
gonna be a lot of food there.
I guess I'll go
to Rhonda's party.
Yeah. Me too.
MARILYN:
I don't understand, Harold.
Why aren't you
going to the party?
Why should I?
All the other kids
are going.
Put on your bar mitzvah suit
and have a good time.
Who knows? You might meet
a nice little girlfriend.
Oh, yuck! I hate girls!
What's wrong with girls?
You know,
your mother was a girl.
Oh, that was
a long time ago.
Not so long ago.
All right, that's completely
different anyway.
Besides, girls don't
like me either.
What's not to like?
You're a charming
handsome young man.
No, I'm not.
Listen to
your mother, son.
You are.
You're a charming
handsome boy.
I am not!
He can be
very charming, Marilyn.
Not to mention handsome.
Cut it out, please.
Just look in the mirror.
Take a look.
You're a charming
handsome young man.
Stop it, Mom.
I'm not charming.
I'm not handsome.
I'm a big, dumb, ugly kid.
Harold, please.
All right,
I'll go to the party,
but I'll just look stupid
and no one will dance
with me.
Would that make you
happy, Mom?
Harold, please,
you're getting all excited.
I can't handle this!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
(CHATTERING)
(GIGGLING)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Don't even think about asking
me to dance, Arnoldo.
Uh, I wasn't.
Because I would rather stick
my head in that bowl of dip
than dance with
a football head like you.
That's okay.
I was just getting
some punch.
(SCOFFS) Arnold.
What a dweeb!
How I loathe him! And yet
I love him.
Those golden locks!
Those adorable
half-lidded eyes.
Oh, if only my courage
were not so shallow
and my resolve so cracked.
If only my tongue
were not so thick,
I would speak the words
that burningly course
through my veins
every day
of my twisted existence.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
(KISSING)
(CHOMPING)
(BREATHING NOISILY)
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
Hi, uh (CLEARS THROAT)
I was wondering
Yeah?
Could I borrow this chair?
Uh, sure.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(GULPS)
Hey, Arnold!
You look so sweaty.
Have you been dancing?
Are you kidding?
I'm not dancing
with any dumb girls.
That's for losers.
I've got better things to do.
(GASPS)
Uh, pretty good shot.
Thanks.
Your eyes are kinda puffy.
You've been crying?
No. What are you
What are you, crazy?
I just got something
in my eye.
Well, how come
you're not dancing?
How come you're not dancing?
'Cause I don't like it.
I don't like it either.
Dance is stupid anyway.
No kidding.
I mean, it wouldn't be so bad
if you didn't have to do it
with girls.
What's wrong with girls?
Nothing. I just don't
like them, okay?
You're just saying that
'cause you're a boy.
So what if I'm a boy?
What's wrong with boys?
Nothing.
Except they're stupid.
I am not stupid.
And if you say that again,
I'm gonna pound you.
You and what army?
You know, you really bug me.
I know why you can't dance.
You're scared.
Am not! Take that back,
you liar.
(IMITATING CHICKEN)
I am not scared to dance.
Watch this.
One, two, three, four
One, two, three, four
You smell like something.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing. It's nice.
Oh. Thanks.
Don't mention it.
You're kinda big
for a fourth grader.
Well, I was sort of, uh,
held back a couple of years.
It's not that I'm dumb
or anything, okay?
They said I didn't
apply myself. That's all.
It really bugs me
when people say I'm dumb.
If I had a dime for every kid
I beat up for calling me
a "dumb boy,"
oh, uh, I'd sure have
a whole bunch of dimes.
I know. Kids call me dumb
sometimes, too.
Well, you don't seem
so dumb to me.
Thanks.
What's your name anyway?
Harold.
My name's Patty.
Oh, I like that.
So, nice night, huh?
You come here often?
C'est le fun.
The party is over.
Everyone's gone.
(RELAXED SIGH)
So then the doctors had to
cut me open and take out
my appendix.
Y You wanna
see my scar?
Hey, that's real neat.
You really think so?
Most girls think it's gross.
(SIRENS WAILING)
Hey, we've been talking
all night.
I don't usually talk
to girls this much.
Most of them think I'm
just dopey and boring.
I don't think you're boring.
Really?
No.
I think you're more
I think you're kinda charming.
Whew!
Hey, tomorrow's Sunday.
You wanna do something?
Like what?
I don't know.
Just hang around.
Maybe goof on some people.
Sure, if you want to.
(CROAKS)
(LAUGHING)
I don't like lunch period
that much.
You're kidding!
That's my favorite period.
How can you not like
lunch period?
Well, it's probably 'cause
I always end up
sitting by myself.
Ever since
I was in the second grade,
I guess I got a reputation
for being kinda tough.
Nobody ever wanted
to sit with me.
It's no big deal or anything
but sometimes I wish I had
somebody to eat with,
you know.
Just a friend
I could talk to
in-between chewing.
(GASPS) Hey, Stinky!
Come over here and tell me
what I'm looking at.
STINKY: Well, I'd say
it looks like Harold.
Only it can't be Harold
on account of he's
sitting with a girl!
It is Harold.
And it's not just a girl.
It's Big Patty.
You reckon he snapped his cap?
He must've, Stinky.
What other explanation
could there be?
I had a really
good time, Patty.
Me too.
I guess I'll see ya.
Okay.
Hey, Patty.
Um, I was just, uh
just wondering
You wanna sit together
at lunch tomorrow?
Really? Sure.
Okay. I'll meet you
in the hallway
by the drinking fountain
after the bell rings.
Okay.
See ya.
Hey, Harold!
(GASPS) What?
Am I whacked,
or did Stinky and me
see you and Big Patty
at the ice cream parlor?
Yeah. I was there.
With Big Patty?
Her name's Patty!
And so what if I was?
I thought you
didn't like girls anyway.
I don't.
I mean, they're okay.
What's the big deal anyways?
Well, it's no big deal
if you got a crush
on a girl, Harold.
But who would've thought
you'd get one on Big Patty?
Yeah. Big Patty!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Cut it out.
I do not have a crush on her.
I don't even like her.
I was just doing her a favor
by hanging out with her.
I probably won't even
see her again.
Okay, Harold.
You don't have to get
all mad about it.
(LAUGHING)
Stop it or I'll pound ya!
MARILYN: Patty.
And who is this Patty person?
HAROLD: Just a girl.
A girl?
Where did you meet her?
At the party.
It's no big deal.
You spent the entire afternoon
with her?
Sounds like our Harold's got
a special little girlfriend.
She's not my girlfriend.
We'll invite her over
for dinner.
How's next Wednesday?
We can invite
her parents, too.
(GROANS)
We can show her those adorable
baby pictures of you.
The ones of you
on the bearskin
with your keister
up in the air.
(WAILS) Gee!
Hey, Harold, you wanna have
lunch with me instead?
I was kinda supposed
to meet somebody.
Who?
It's not your girlfriend
Big Patty, is it?
(LAUGHING)
BOTH: (TEASING)
Harold and Patty!
Shut up! It's not Patty!
Why would I be having lunch
with her?
And she's not my girlfriend.
(LAUGHTER, CHATTERING)
I guess Rhonda's party
was okay. I ate a lot.
And we got to see Wolfgang
spill a whole glass of punch
on his pants.
(LAUGHING)
Even the dancing
wasn't so bad.
Especially on account
of we didn't have to dance
with someone like Big Patty.
Yeah, she's so big
and clumsy,
she'd probably step on your
feet and send you straight
to the hospital.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Yeah. Or she'd trip over
her own feet and fall on you
and crush you.
Yeah. And she'd send you
straight to the hospital.
(LAUGHING) I guess
if Big Patty tried to
dance with me,
I'd run for my life.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Stop it!
(KIDS GASP)
You guys don't know
what you're talking about!
Her name's not Big Patty.
It's Patty.
And she's not clumsy
and she's not dumb.
Not only that,
she's smart, and she's nice,
and she's funny.
I must be crazy
to listen to you guys.
What do I care what you think?
The only thing that matters
is what I think.
And what I think
is, I like Patty.
And if anybody's got
a problem with that,
I'll beat you up so badly
it won't even be funny!
Sorry, I'm late, Patty.
Do you still wanna have lunch
with me?
'Cause if you don't,
it's okay, I mean, I,
you know, I'd understand.
Please sit down, Harold.
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)