Life in Pieces (2015) s03e11 Episode Script

1 - Hi! - Hi, guys.
Lark made a new friend at the park.
- Oh.
- Yeah, he's 43, his name is Larry, and I had to tell him to leave us alone.
Oh, Larry's harmless; he just likes to be pushed on the big swing is all.
Yeah, but don't tell him to pump.
- Then something changes.
- Yeah.
Hey, do you think you could stay late tonight so we could have a date night? (SIGHS) I would love to, but I'm supposed to play in a Funeral Goose gig tonight.
We're rehearsing for our upcoming live album, Funeral Goose Unplucked.
Well, yeah, that sounds more fun than babysitting - or sitting in the audience.
- Yeah.
Honestly, like, I wish that I could quit, but I cannot break up with Tyler - both romantically and musically.
- Uh-huh.
So, the thing where you split up but you're still living together and talking every day isn't working out? - Yeah.
That is surprising.
- It's a pickle.
I just can't stand the thought of seeing him hurt is all.
Well, you know, you don't have to.
The trick to a breakup is to blindside him in a public place so that he can't make a scene.
I once broke up with someone on the JumboTron at Dodger Stadium.
Yeah.
It's true.
But we got back together pretty quick after that.
Yeah, we did.
Jen, I wish you could just do it for me.
No, no.
I don't think I can.
I mean, he's my nephew.
Look, it would hurt so much less if you did it.
Well, you're probably right, and I am very good at it.
Yeah, I've gotten Greg out of, like, five gym memberships.
Yeah, her secret is that she's never been dumped, so she's not hindered by empathy.
Yeah, well, I don't want to brag.
(CHUCKLES) I feel nothing.
Aunt Jen, thank you so much for representing the family.
Uh, sit anywhere.
I'd stay away from that one, though.
We tend to spit a lot.
I'm actually not staying.
Listen, Tyler, we have to have a conversation that's going to be difficult.
For you.
Oh, no.
You're in love with my dad, aren't you? He told me that this day would come.
Nope.
No.
Uh, listen, Clementine values the time that you've spent together, but now it is time for you to part ways.
So she's quitting the band.
What? This doesn't make any sense.
Yeah, any closure you need, you will find on your own personal journey.
Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to circle back to your parents' house and have a quick chat with your dad.
Wait, but what about our gig? I mean, there's a hundred bucks on the line.
- They're paying you $100? - No.
We paid them a hundred bucks.
Yeah.
No, that checks out.
All right, I'm sorry.
I can't help you.
Wait, weren't you in a band in college? I was.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, I mean It was a Wiccan a Wiccan band called Bitch Hazel.
Sadly, the band died with my friend Katie.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's okay.
She just got an internship at Banana Republic.
- Ah.
- And then she couldn't fold, so they fired her.
It was a real tragedy.
And then she actually died.
Okay.
Well, Aunt Jen, - you got to help me out.
- Mm - Please.
- Hmm.
Ugh.
Fine.
All right.
(CHUCKLES) Thank you so much.
I come home In the morning light My mother says "When you gonna live your life right?" Oh, Mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones And girls, they wanna have fun Oh, girls just wanna have fun The phone rings in the middle of the night My father yells "What you gonna do with your life?" Oh, Daddy dear, you know you're still number one And girls, they wanna have fun Oh, girls just wanna have They just wanna, they just wanna They just wanna They just wanna, they just wanna They just wanna Oh, girls just wanna have fun.
(CROWD CHEERING) Thank you.
Ooh! That was the best date night ever.
Aw, but I wasn't even there.
Yeah, but you saw that video I sent you, right? - Yeah.
- It was on fuego.
You have to come to the next show.
I already paid for it.
I'm proud of you, babe.
I'm proud of us.
You were rocking out while I stayed here taking care of our kid.
Yeah! Where is Lark? Is she not here? Lark! (INSTRUMENTS TUNING) Okay, so I'm thinking that maybe we start with, like, an ironic Britney Spears cover.
And then once the audience is in on the joke, we can kind of Take a break for a little Funeral Goose chatter.
Mm-hmm.
W-We just like to warm up the audience a little bit.
I have this great thing where I ask people if they're from out of town.
Yeah, no, that does sound original.
But I was thinking maybe after we do "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," because people who were at the last show, I think, are gonna be waiting for it.
You just don't want to disappoint the audience Wait, you think that people are gonna come back? Oh, yeah.
I blasted the ish out of this all over my social media.
Well, in our experience, telling people where we're going to play usually leads to people not going to those places.
Okay, well, I'm the oldest, so what I say goes.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
Five, six, seven, eight.
(DOORBELLS JINGLE) Are you ready to rock? Four hours past your bedtime? Whoa.
What? Did we get a new roadie? Aunt Jen, this conversation is going to be difficult.
For you.
You're out of the band.
What? You know, I really value the time that we spent together, but FuGu doesn't want to cover songs.
We want to uncover songs.
Without you.
I cannot believe that you are doing this in front of (GASPS) Oh! You're doing this so that I don't make a scene! Aunt Jen, please stop yelling.
We're just children.
Bitch Hazel would have never treated me this way.
And we practiced witchcraft! I couldn't find my cauldron, so I'm using this slow cooker.
Well, how long is it gonna be? I wanted to use that to start a chili.
It's a slow cooker, Greg.
I mean, I really did not see this coming.
Honestly, being on this side of the breakup is awful.
Is there anything I can do for you, sweetie? Yes, actually.
In fact, you can.
I need a lock of Tyler's hair and also a gecko's tongue.
And if that's too hard to find, really just anybody's tongue.
JOAN: No, stop! (JOAN AND DONNA LAUGHING) You can't say that.
Hi, Mom.
Hi.
Hello, dear.
I'm Heather.
I'm Joan's daughter.
I'm Donna.
And who's Joan? Oh.
Oh, you mean JoJo.
- Oh.
- Oh! She calls me JoJo.
I call her DoDo.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
- DoDo and I go to college together.
- Oh! We're in the same writing class.
- Oh.
- Oh, ask her about her short story on drunk lunches.
JOAN: Oh, stop it! You're the one who bought the booze.
I put it in a hairspray bottle.
- Oh.
- (DONNA LAUGHS) It said, "Firm hold.
" Loosened me up right away.
It was a real panty dropper.
(LAUGHING): So funny.
- Oh.
- (LAUGHING) JOAN: Oh! Look at this.
This is some female bonding.
You know what we have? Three generations of women right in this room.
How lucky are we? Oh, we are so lucky.
DoDo and I went on a refugee website - on the Internet.
- Mm-hmm.
I made a donation in your name.
You know, I could have made a donation myself, had I known about it.
I was literally collecting money for that last week, and you told me to go to hell.
Okay, you know what I said? I said, "Mommy's busy.
" Busy.
- It means the same thing.
- (GROANS SOFTLY) Ooh! Oh, new lipstick! Yeah, DoDo picked it out for me.
It's called, uh, - Pink Orgasm? - Oh, Mom! Maybe you're a little mature to be wearing Pink Orgasm.
DoDo says it's on fleck.
- Whatever that means.
- No one knows.
That's what makes it so on fleek.
Oh, fleek.
It's on fleek.
Wha-What are you doing? Where you going? I'm meeting DoDo at a coffee shop in an old laxative factory.
Ooh! That sounds so fun! She knows all the hot places 'cause she's divorced.
Oh.
Wow.
I love coffee.
I can just, you know, brew some here for myself.
Would you like to join us? No.
That's Okay.
Bye.
Love you.
DoDo.
More like DumDum.
- Nailed it.
- (GROANS) Have you got any sweetener? - Uh Oh.
- (DOOR CLOSES) (LAUGHS) Ah, you are so funny! Hello there.
Oh, Mom.
Hi.
Sorry, I didn't see you come in.
My eyes are so teary 'cause I was just laughing so hard.
This is my friend June.
How do you two know each other? Well, I was just walking by, and she told me I could pick through her stuff before she took it to the Goodwill.
(LAUGHING) You are so funny, JuJu! Oh, I call her JuJu, she calls me HeHe.
Is that a crack at my religion? Because Silverstein was only my married name.
Oh, yeah.
And divorced.
How many times? Uh, four times, but always looking for number five.
(JUNE AND HEATHER LAUGHING) (COUGHING LOUDLY) That's an inside joke that we (COUGHS) Where's your bathroom? I got another inside joke that needs to get out.
Oh, it's just right there, uh, first door on the left.
Okay.
- Miss you.
- Uh-huh.
Honey, don't do this.
You don't have to be jealous of DoDo.
Wha What? Jealous of what? That you're just running around with some woman that's half your age? Honey, she's just a friend.
There's no one that can touch the love I have for my only daughter.
Honey, you don't have to keep pretending with this woman.
I am not pretending! No, I love her.
She is a joy to be around.
You got a sanitary setting on your washer? Uh, it's not what you think.
It's for your towels.
Oh, no.
No, that-that's what I thought.
Yeah.
See how we get each other? You know what we're gonna do today, JuJu? You and I are gonna spend the entire day together.
- Oh, good! - Yeah.
Because my doctor has news for me, and he says it's best if I don't hear it alone.
Fun! Yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna just get my keys.
No, I'm driving while I still have this foot.
You! Okay, Mom, now it is your turn to be jealous, because JuJu and I are going to have a long and wonderful friendship.
What can I say about June? Webster's dictionary defines "June" as the sixth month of the year.
I describe her as I don't know.
I mean, well, I-I really don't know.
You know what? Why don't we all just shout some things out? June is? Was? Sorry.
- WOMAN: My mother.
- Okay, then why aren't you up here? So, what are you guys doing today? Oh, I have to go buy a new dress - for Tim's charity gala next week.
- Charity gala? I want to go.
I don't even care what it's for.
I mean, I'll pretend to care as long as there's an open bar.
It's called "Vaccine But Not Heard.
" We sneak vaccines into places that are anti-medication, like Darfur or Syria.
Brooklyn.
I-I'd like to donate another painting - for the silent auction like I did last year.
- Mm.
Oh.
Hmm.
Yeah.
You know, I don't think they're gonna do the silent auction this year.
Apparently, it's insensitive to the deaf community, so What are you talking about? Of course there's a silent auction.
No.
That's why you had me forge Ryan Seacrest's autograph on that picture, so we could donate it.
(FAKE LAUGH) Yeah, you should come.
You know, just You know what? Come and support the charity without donating a painting.
Problem solved.
- What problem? - Um - (GLASS SHATTERS) - Oh, damn it! Colleen, why don't you come help me find the broom? Well, why why do you need me to help you find a broom? (LAUGHS) You're the one who's always saying - we should spend more time together.
- I never said that.
What?! It's gonna be awesome.
Be with me for a minute.
You cannot let Matt donate another painting this year.
No one's gonna bid on it.
Well, he sold one last year to an anonymous art collector.
That was me! Yeah, nobody was gonna buy it, so I bought it to spare his feelings.
- It's - (GASPS) It's not his fault nobody gets his art.
Matt is just cooler than all of us, all right? And he wears those shirts that are size medium with all the worn-out holes in all the right places.
Yeah, we have a moth problem.
I am not gonna be the one to clip his wings.
Matt needs to soar for all of us who can't get off the ground.
Tim, don't worry.
His art is gonna sell this year.
He's making a real name for himself.
So, the whole painting is just Matt's signature.
Man, that is cool.
It's all about art already existing in the world.
You just have to put your name on it.
It's so big.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
MATT: Hey, no one's bid on that yet.
(CHUCKLES) Man, that's weird.
Mm-hmm.
Ah, I'm sure people are just measuring their trunks.
(SIGHS) Tim.
I am the highest bidder on a year of SoulCycle classes.
All I had to do was tell people that I got wicked crabs from the bicycle seats, and now no one wants it.
Hey, we need to get Matt out of here.
No one's bidding on his painting, just like I feared.
Be patient.
It may have only taken him, like, 15 minutes to paint it, but it takes a lot longer to appreciate it.
Please, just take Matt home.
No way! He's spreading the word about my crabs.
And so should you.
Excuse me.
I see you like, uh, baskets of bath salts.
Well, then it stands to reason you would also love giant art.
Huh? Need a new roof for your shed? Or maybe you got a hallway you want to keep secret? Hey, Tim.
Hey, man, nobody's bid on that thing.
I mean, that's my signature piece.
I wouldn't worry about it.
Look, I'm-I'm not scared or anything, you know? I mean, my piece sold last year, and that was tiny in comparison.
- Right? Right? - Mm.
Shucks.
I got to pick that up.
I need a broom.
Hey.
Heather.
Heather.
- Yeah.
- I need our auction stickers.
It's about to close, and I need to bid on Matt's painting.
Oh, I just used our last sticker.
- What? No! I need that.
- No, no, no, no, no! Wait! - What am I gonna do? - We get to get our picture taken with a giraffe.
I even did a little extra so we can touch his tongue.
Listen, buddy, I need to tell you Tim, it sold.
What? Oh, yes! Problem solved! (CHUCKLES) What problem? - (GLASS SHATTERS) - Dude.
I better go clean that up.
Congratulations again.
It really was a great painting.
Yeah.
Mmm.
You know, I was worried it wasn't gonna sell.
Aw, come on, your stuff is great.
You're great! When we hang out together, it is great.
Yeah.
You know, Colleen told me that you bought my painting last year to save me the embarrassment.
(LAUGHING QUIETLY) Uh! Tim.
It's okay.
I actually thought it was really sweet.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, hey, I'm just glad someone else here appreciates great art.
Well, that's the thing about the art world, you know? Some days you're on top, some days you aren't.
Today's one of those days when I'm on top.
- Mr.
Short.
- Yeah.
Congratulations.
- Hmm? - You're the winning bidder.
Well, they just bring that thing right to your table when you win, huh? Wow.
That is great.
What is that, a rainbow? No, Dad, it's a penguin.
Oh.
Yes.
Okay.
Yeah.
Well, it's amazing, and I love it.
It's gonna be the perfect label for Daddy's new beer.
"That's amazing"? Ugh.
How's she ever gonna learn to draw when you're lying to her like that? Look, there's nothing wrong with having a soft spot for your kid.
You're caught in the Dad Fog, where you think that everything your kid does is amazing.
Well, I'm not soft like that.
I'm hard.
- Okay, Dad.
- Look at me.
Look how hard your father is.
I'm rock hard.
Oh, please stop saying that.
Me being hard is what made you the man you are today.
Except for the soft parts.
Those-those are on your mother.
Look, Dad, you weren't really around much when I was a kid, so Well, that was me being hard on you, by being absent.
You never really thanked me for that.
And now may I present the premier Greg's Revelation Wheat.
Because I revel in your elation.
- (LAUGHTER) - Nice.
Thanks.
And I cannot "wheat" - No.
- Yeah, okay.
Cheers.
Cheers.
(GROANS) (BURPS) It's v-very yeasty.
It's like you can chew it.
Yeah, I'm just not surprised.
As a child, his lemonade was amazing.
- Mm-hmm.
- All my kids, you know.
Heather had two milk stands, so we had milk, milk, lemonade.
And then around the corner, - Matt made fudge.
- (STRAINED): Yep.
Thanks, Mom.
Jen? (MUTTERS NERVOUSLY, CHUCKLES) Well said.
(GRUNTS) Your beer sucks.
What are you talking about? Everybody likes it.
Everybody's lying to you.
But not me.
I'm giving it to you straight on.
- John.
- Hmm? Why don't you help him work on the beer? Oh, you mean like a father and son thing? (GROANS) Now we got to hose the place down.
The kill room's got to be clean.
Why do you keep calling it a kill room? Well, it's not because of anything I did in the war, I'll tell you that.
(STEAM HISSES) - Whoa.
- Come on, Greg.
Now you've let the steam out, and the flavor's all over your face.
Now stir the hops.
Sure.
No, no, no.
With your arm.
That way, you can really feel the clumps.
Oh, okay.
Ooh.
Yeah.
No, I think I got one.
Oh, let me in, huh? Ah.
You know, now I understand why you asked me to wear a tank top.
I didn't ask you to wear a tank top.
Well, then who was that voice message from? (DOOR CLOSES) JEN: Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
I was explaining to the neighbors that you're not cooking meth, you're making beer.
That you could just buy in a store.
You won't be able to buy beer like this, because it won't pass the safety standards.
Yeah.
We stirred it with our arms.
Yeah.
This was such a great day, honey.
You know, I haven't seen you smile that big - since our wedding day.
- Yeah.
When you were dancing with your mom.
You know, I always thought that CryTunes was my baby, but this experience just means so much to me.
I think this beer is my baby.
You also have an actual baby.
Yeah, but I'm making this baby with my dad.
It's every son's dream.
I can't believe it's finally finished.
Dad, I really loved spending this time with you.
JOHN: I loved spending time with you, son.
I know I started out being hard, but you took everything I gave you.
- And in the end, we came together.
- Yeah, we did.
This feels private in all the wrong ways.
- Okay.
Bottoms up! - Okay.
(GAGS) - Wow.
- Mmm.
It's fantastic.
Really? You like it? Oh, I love it.
I'm gonna go in there and puke up breakfast so I have more room.
Greg, this is bad.
Yeah, I know.
It's-it's really awful.
- But did you hear that? - Huh? My dad lied to me.
For the first time, he's in the Dad Fog.
For me! - Oh.
- Ha! And you know what? I'm gonna go get lost in it.
Actually, I'm gonna give him a minute.
He's puking pretty hard.
(GRUNTS) Ugh, I love this beer! Oh I didn't know beer could give me a foot cramp.
(EXHALES) Yeah.
Hey, guys.
What's with the sleeves? Didn't you get my voice mail? - Oh, that was you? - Yes.
Why did you want me to wear a tank top? 'Cause if one guy's wearing a tank top, it looks weird.
But if two guys are wearing tank tops, then it's like, "I guess guys are wearing tank tops.
"