Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s03e11 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, what are you guys laughing at?
That video I sent you
of the guy playing the bongos
off his wife's butt?
Oh!
No. No.
It's a home movie from the annual
Van Bryan family pork picnic.
We're going through old footage
to show at our wedding.
Who's the Kool-Aid man
sucking all that marrow
out of the rack of ribs?
Ah!
- That's my grandma.
- Ah.
Dad, do you happen to have
any videos of my Grandma Elsa?
I'm just curious
of what she looked like,
'cause she died before I was born.
Want a video of my mom, huh?
Imagine a chola-shaped dust cloud
and me in an old diaper.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
And now imagine her
disappearing from my life.
How about home movies
from when I was a kid?
Mom said that you had them?
Oh, yeah.
Uh, so remember how
I wasn't in your life for 10 years,
and then I came back?
Then I got sober,
and then I went to therapy, right?
I lost all your videos.
At least say the dog ate them.
Amateur.
Are you OK, Mayan?
It's just really hard to accept that
we've lost the only record
of any happy memories from my childhood.
But I'm not angry.
Oh, thank God.
I'm just disappointed.
Oh, that's worse.
[SIGHS]
Oh, you're mad too?
You're not even in them!
Don't worry, man.
It'll be fine.
Mayan knows that there's literally
nothing you can do to bring
back those lost videos.
The thing is that they're not lost.
I just can't get them.
Why? Are they on the floor?
'Cause I can pick them up for you.
They're in a place that just
has a lot of bad memories.
Oh. What's worse,
disappointing Mayan or facing your past?
Yeah, well, I guess disappointing Mayan
would be worse, but, you know,
after all these years
of doing it so much,
you'd think it'd be easy.
That's true.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
So on her podcast,
Dr. Jennifer says that
a healthy relationship
is built on a foundation
of honesty and trust.
OK, that's what I've been
telling you for years.
But you don't have
your own podcast, Mayan.
Anyway, I am not dating
any more toxic liars,
only stable guys who give me
what Dr. Jennifer calls
the warm and fuzzies.
Oh, so she's a doctor, like Dr. Seuss.
Look, I'm just glad that
you're working on yourself,
even if you got it from
some old lady's podcast.
Oh, she's not old.
She's 27, just like you.
Mm-hmm.
Only cooler and better dressed.
OK. All right.
Well, I'm gonna go see
if Quinten's ready for his lunch break.
First of all, damn!
On it.
- Ready for lunch?
- I'm, uh, too nervous to eat.
My district manager, Roberto, is here.
He's the one who decides
which manager goes
to Applepalooza in Cupertino.
And this year, there is a performance
by Third Eye Blind.
[GASPS] Oh, I know that one song!
We could really use a vacation.
I love our son,
but I would love him even more
if I just didn't see him for a few days.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
So get over there
and kiss some ass, Van Lopez.
Oh, I will.
Uh, but but it looks like
Roberto's busy helping your mom.
So your parents are still married,
you like your job,
and you return your shopping carts?
[LAUGHS]
How do you do it?
I do yoga.
I meditate.
I journal.
Ah! [LAUGHS]
What?
But you're a man.
Is it, um, getting
warm and fuzzy in here?
I'd be happy to adjust
the temperature for you.
District managers can do that.
Oh!
[LAUGHS]
Your mom is not flirting
with my boss, is she?
Oh, no. Come on. You know my mom.
She's probably just working it
to get a discount
on some new headphones.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Guess who has a date
with an honest and stable guy.
It's me!
[LAUGHS]
Since when is that your type?
I can tell you since her best friend,
Dr. Jennifer, told her.
All right, don't be jealous, Mayan.
It gives you wrinkles.
I am into nice guys now.
Uh, yes, I love that for you.
Um, but out of all
the nice guys out there,
why do you have to choose
the one who could fire me?
You should be proud of me.
In the wise words of Dr. Jennifer,
take the win, you dumb sluts.
♪
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Good news.
Roberto texted.
He says, "Date went great.
Rosie amazing."
Is this how guys text?
Like cavemen?
There's more.
"I owe you one, something big."
Something big?
You know what that means?
Access to the thermostat.
No, the trip to Cupertino.
Me, you, swaying our hips
to "Semi-Charmed Kind of Life."
Sounds like a dream!
And even better,
my mom is finally dating
someone who's good for her.
Yes.
I'm here,
and I might be queer,
because that was the worst date ever.
What?
No, that that can't be.
"Date date went great.
Rosie amazing."
He asked too many questions.
"Where are you from?
What's your family like?"
It sounds like Roberto was
just trying to get to know you.
Ugh! Why?
And I hated the way
he can't make decisions.
Don't ask me what kind of wine I prefer.
Pick a bottle so that
I can say I don't like it.
Don't take this the wrong way,
but he sounds stable,
and you sound crazy.
Oh, do I?
He got me daisies, OK,
when clearly I am a rose woman.
My name is Rosie!
- Here.
- Oh.
I know how much you like a basic flower.
♪
There it is,
the Lopez family storage unit.
For generations, anything
a Lopez wanted to forget about
was thrown in there.
Why don't you guys just throw it away
so I can rummage through it?
We're not gonna throw it away.
We're hoarders!
Mayan's videos are in there.
Then what are we waiting for?
My mom's stuff is in there.
My grandmother dumped it
in there when she left.
I don't want to see that stuff.
Old makeup case
with her eyebrow stencils.
Once her eyebrows went on,
then she'd be gone for a week,
except one time,
she didn't come back at all.
You got this, man.
Your mom's eyebrows can't hurt you now.
Thanks.
Doing this for Mayan.
You know, with all
the stuff you misplaced,
I'm surprised you still have the key.
Yeah. Me, too.
Lopez family key.
Where's all the stuff?
Don't take this the wrong way,
but you might not be a hoarder.
What I am seeing, though, is an upgrade
from living in the truck.
Fully furnished, turnkey.
Why, hello, kind sir.
I'm just here in the dead of night
to store my trusty bolt cutters.
I will be on my way.
Ha-ha-ha oh.
Just came here for my daughter's videos.
You're disappointing her!
Hey.
You cannot enter my home
without a warrant.
♪
OK, I just had a long talk with my mom
about giving Roberto a second chance
by going on a double date with us.
And that worked?
No.
She said she didn't want
to see him again.
But then I said, but what if you did?
And then I held up
Dr. Jennifer's book titled,
"But What If You Did?"
I just don't think your mom
is ready to accept a nice guy.
But Roberto is exactly
the kind of guy she needs
loyal, honest, a credit score above 200.
But that is not
what gets her guavas going.
You're right.
We gotta make Roberto passionate,
edgy, a little dangerous.
Oh.
Like me.
I said passionate, edgy,
a little dangerous.
We just got to get her started
down the road to a healthy relationship.
And if that road happens to have
a off ramp to Cupertino, it's a win-win.
And that is where I'm gonna
get your guavas going.
OK, where did you hear that?
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
I don't know about this.
I look like a guy who has a naked woman
painted on the hood of his car.
That's exactly what we're going for.
Look look, Rosie likes
you, but I think you'll really
lock it down if you just lean
into your dangerous side.
Oh, like in high school when I was
percussion lieutenant
in the marching band?
How was that dangerous?
If one person trips, we all fall down.
Let's just say
you played drums in a band.
Leave it at that.
Get in there, bad boy.
Hello, beautiful.
Hello, Roberto.
These are for you.
How did you do that?
I'm a Magic Castle
certified illusionist.
- [CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY]
- Oh.
In the streets and in the sheets.
And just wait until
you hear about his other
edgy, adrenaline-pumping hobbies.
Like D&D?
Which, as you know, stands for
Drunk and Disorderly.
♪
Who could have taken all of your stuff?
I mean, I don't know.
Those videos are gone.
Now there's nothing I can do
to make Mayan feel better.
Whenever Mommy's mad at me,
I draw a picture of her.
It's trash,
but she still throws that baby
up on the fridge.
So that time that you broke
the window in the garage,
you just did some
half-assed art project,
and your mom was all right with it?
Yeah.
Thanks to you,
in this house, the bar is low.
But you know what?
You only get away with that
because you're a cute kid.
Hey, nobody told you
to grow up like that.
♪
You spend enough time
on the road with your band,
and you become pretty close.
Those are 15 of my best friends.
And that's just the drumline.
Band had to cycle
through a lot of drummers
'cause of, uh, all the, uh, drug issues.
You have a lot
of crazy stories, Roberto.
Some people would say that's a red flag.
But some people
Dr. Jennifer would say,
sometimes a red flag is just
a green flag in disguise.
Rosie, I know
we've only known each other
for a short time,
but when it feels right,
it feels right.
Rosie, have you ever been to Cupertino?
Oh, is is that in wine country?
Oh, no.
But they do have the biggest BevMo!
In the Bay Area.
Would you like to go with me?
Roberto!
You can't give the trip
to Cupertino to yourself.
Bad boy can do anything he wants.
So what do you say, Rosie?
Oh, I don't know.
It seems a little sudden.
But maybe it's a green flag
in disguise, right, Mayan?
But some green flags wear two disguises
and are a green and a red
flag at the same time,
but mostly a red flag.
Dr. Jennifer in Chapter 14
Oh, can it, Mayan.
Dr. Jennifer never said that.
She may have.
I never finished the book.
This man doesn't get
drunk and disorderly
or play in a rock band.
You knew that?
Yeah.
You ordered a virgin spritzer
on our first date.
I thought it was a cool drink.
[SIGHS]
I'm sorry.
Quinten told me if I'd be edgier,
you'd like me more.
Why are you guys trying
to manipulate me?
We genuinely want you
to date a stable guy.
And we also wanted to go to Cupertino.
But we want you
to date a stable guy more
because otherwise we would
sound like terrible people.
You are.
You're a bunch of liars.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no, not you.
You're just a gullible nerd
who's never had anything like this.
I guess you're really mad at us?
No.
I'm not angry.
BOTH: Oh, good.
I'm just disappointed.
BOTH: Oh, God.
I'm sorry we steered you wrong, Roberto.
I get it.
You're one of our top employees
at the Apple Store.
If anybody has earned
that trip, it's you.
But you're not getting it now, ass-face.
♪
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Hi, Mom.
We're here to apologize.
For trying to pimp me out
in order to get a free trip?
And a domestic one at that?
Mom, you have every right to be mad.
It was wrong to manipulate
you and Roberto.
It just hurts to know
that you don't believe
that I can change.
We do believe in you.
We should not have rushed things.
It's a huge deal that you
want a healthy relationship.
And we'll support you,
no matter how long it takes.
Well, give me some credit.
It might not take that long.
Hi, there.
OK, bye there.
Thank you, Roberto.
Thank you, Rosie.
What?
It was cold in my bedroom,
so he heated things up.
Mom!
[SPEAKING SPANISH] Not like that.
My thermostat wasn't working,
so he fixed it.
Well, who knew that
a nice guy with tech skills
would get my guavas going?
That's where I heard it.
♪
Welcome.
Step and repeat
until you find your seat.
What's happening, Gordo?
What is a home movie?
It's a question that's
been asked for centuries.
A series of dazzling family images
that take you back to the sights,
sounds, and emotions of
oh, what's that word?
Particular.
Particular time.
Wait, so you found my old videos?
Uh, no.
But I am sorry that I disappointed you.
And I hope that this is
something that makes you
feel a little bit better, OK?
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Mayan, get out here.
I have something for you.
A new bike?
Thanks, Daddy.
But where are the training wheels?
Ah, loca, training wheels.
You're a big girl now.
It's time to learn how
to ride a big girl bike.
Get on.
I'm scared.
Don't worry.
I got you.
Start pedaling.
Now fly, my little dove, fly!
I'm the queen of the world!
[CRASHING]
Uh-oh.
I'm here!
[GASPS] And oh, my God!
My baby!
George, what did you do?
I was teaching her how to ride a bike.
She's too young.
Get off my back, woman.
- You always do this.
- I don't have to explain myself to you.
Yes, you do!
Mommy, Daddy!
Stop fighting! I'm bleeding!
And scene.
Oh, George.
All right.
I know it's not perfect,
but I'm pretty sure
that's exactly how it went.
So you thought it was a good idea
to spend all day making puppets
and shooting something
completely unusable for the wedding?
Yeah.
I love it.
You're not disappointed in me?
Not even a little?
Thanks to my dad,
in this house, the bar is low.
I told you.
That's great. Thank you guys.
Hey, you ain't seen nothing yet.
Hey, Rosie, Chance, come on,
let's load up on snacks.
We got two more hours to watch.
Two hours?
Yeah, those puppets fight
at a birthday party,
a water park, a baptism
[KNOCKING]
Oh, hi. Can I help you?
Yes, does George Lopez live here?
Yes, he does.
And we are very sorry
for whatever he did.
I got a call from my storage facility.
They said he was looking for these.
Wait, my home videos.
Yeah.
Sorry, who are you?
Well
Hi, George.
What are you doing here?
Dad, who is this?
I'm Elsa, his mother.
Grandma Elsa?
You said she was dead.
She is to me.
[SOMBER SAXOPHONE MUSIC]