Monarch Of The Glen (2000) s03e11 Episode Script

( whining ) ( whimpering ) ( whimpering ) Man: The late Mr.
MacDonald made a number of wills.
In the latest he wrote out the bequests on separate sheets in his own hand, which he was keen for you to read yourselves.
I'll- "to my liegeman, Golly, a true a man as I have ever known, I'll leave what remains of my once mighty collection of single malt whiskeys in the hope that he will toast our association every St.
Andrew's day.
" That I will, Hector.
"To my assistant ghillie and court jester, Duncan, I leave the entire contents of my wardrobe, in the hope that this may encourage him to wear something than that filthy ki-" "kilt and moth-eaten cardigan he insists on donning every day.
" It's not a cardie, it's a fleece.
I paid eight quid for that.
"To the estimable Alexandra, I bequeath a sufficient sum for a new set of saucepans, the remainder to be spent on garments that expose her even more estimable midriff.
" Molly: "To my darling wife, best friend and good companion, Molly, I bequeath the rest of my goods and effects as well as my ridiculously puny personal holdings in the hope that they will help her to become a very merry widow.
" Lawyer: And now we come to the tricky part.
"To my only son, Archie, I have already gifted the ancestral lands, house, and waters of Glenbogle, a sacred trust to which I hope he will adhere with every fiber of his being.
" Why is that the tricky part? The law states that to avoid the payment of death duties, a period of seven years must elapse from the date of the deed of gift to the demise of the donor.
In this case, seven years have not elapsed.
I think I somehow know what's coming.
Lawyer: I would say that you owe H.
M.
Treasury something in the region of £200,000.
Hmph.
Oh, thank you, god.
Thank you, father.
( theme music playing ) Hi.
You okay? We must be strong, Lexie, for the men in our lives.
I must be strong for Hector, and you must be strong for Archie.
- I'll try.
- He may look as if he's coping, but- ( running footsteps ) - What do we do now, Lexie? - Duncan, shh.
It's all right.
Thank you all so much for being here to welcome Hector home for the last time.
- Least we can do, old girl.
- Thank you, Joe.
But Duncan's question is a good one.
What do we do now? Well, there's an easy answer to that.
The king is dead; long live the king.
Archie, darling, we'll mourn your father and show him every respect but you must go ahead with your plans to make Glenbogle a great place once more.
That's the best memorial your father could ever have.
But I also think you should go ahead with the wedding.
There's been death, yes, but there's also love.
Molly, I don't think it's right.
No.
you're right, mother.
We must go ahead as planned.
Lexie: So this is where he died? Hadn't seen it up till now.
Kind of wish I hadn't.
It's ugly, isn't it? The minister phoned.
He's gonna come round and see us.
You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
You? It just doesn't seem right, does it? Getting married? Just a couple of days after Hector- getting married is the one certainty, the one good thing that we have.
You take that away and okay.
I understand.
I better get going.
You coming? There's something I have to do first.
I don't really want to wear black to the funeral.
I suppose I could wear this.
Is there anything I can do in the interim? You could look after Pammy, Lexie's mother.
She's a bit forlorn and I'm not sure I can cope with her just now.
Still when you're spectacularly rich, you can be as forlorn as you like.
Leave it to me, Molly.
I'll take care of Pammy.
Went to London, did some serious damage to Eric's credit card.
Got this.
Shantung silk.
Feel that.
And this.
Is that not a gorgeous color? And I don't know.
Hat or hair piece? I can't decide.
What do you think? Uh simple is good, mum.
As restrained as you can manage.
Never mind me.
What are you wearing? I don't know.
Haven't even thought about it.
I won't be going out and buying anything new, now that Archie's broke.
Let me buy your frock.
Let me take care of everything.
- That's what mothers are for.
- Okay, thanks, mum.
What do you think- what do you think about that? You're not going to wear that though, are you? Yeah.
What's wrong with it? You don't think it's a wee bit on the gloomy side? It's for the funeral, mum, - not the wedding.
- Very nice.
( clock chiming ) Lexie: I just thought I would cook- it's just some tomato soup.
Just to keep everyone's strength up.
Where's Archie? He just had to go and sort something out.
Duncan: This is great though.
- Molly? - I'm not really very hungry dear.
It smells absolutely delicious.
But somehow, I don't know, it doesn't seem quite right to eat it.
Pamela, if we're to be pals, I think you should know that Noel Coward was my absolute hero.
Towards the end of his life he was sitting with his special friend, it was after dinner, they were gazing out over the med, and they were talking about what would happen if one of them died, how would the other cope.
And his friend said, "well, supposing I should die tonight? What would happen in the morning? Would you take breakfast?" And Coward ruminated for a moment, and he said, "breakfast, probably not.
But I think I'd be pretty damned peckish by lunchtime.
" ( mild laughter ) Do you know, Joe, that's really rather good.
Thank you, Joe.
Thank you, Lexie.
Molly: Duncan.
Eat.
Molly: Golly.
What are you doing here? I just thought I'd sit with him.
A vigil.
Mind if I join you? I'd be honored, Molly.
Oh, dear.
Do you know how I came to work here, Molly? It was a family thing, wasn't it? Your father worked here, and his father before him and so on.
No.
Hector didn't tell you the story? No.
To begin with, when I was a boy, I was a bit of a tearaway.
- Really? - Didn't get on with dad- a hard, unbending man.
Used to knock me about, especially when the drink was on.
Anyway, when I left school, he got me a place here, but I didn't want that.
Under his thumb, under his fist all day.
So, what I did is, I took a silver tankard from the dining room.
I hid it in my bedroom so that- well, I made sure that- my father would find it.
And haul me up in front of Hector's dad, which he did.
And I got the push.
Then my father kicked me out.
So I was disgraced, but I was free of him.
So, how? After I caravanned, worked on the roads, I took to the bottle big time.
I was a mess.
Meanwhile Hector's dad pegged out, so Hector became the laird.
And then my father went.
He was carrying a stag he'd shot.
He just collapsed.
Heart attack.
Dead before he hit the heather.
Anyway, at the funeral, Hector offered me my dad's job.
Me.
A thief, an outcast.
See, he knew, Molly, he knew.
I don't think I'd be here now if he hadn't done that.
He saved my life.
Underneath all that daftness- he was a great man.
I'm so sorry I wasn't with him.
I'll be sorry till the end of my days.
( door opens ) Arch? Look at the state of you.
So have you fallen down the chimney? I'm sorry about the minister.
I got a bit carried away.
Is it all done? Archie, look, - your hands.
- I'm okay.
Are you sure? What were you doing up there? Were you filling in a hole or burying your feelings? I'll be fine.
After tomorrow, the funeral, and then we can get on with the rest of our lives- and the wedding.
- Archie, are you sure? - Absolutely, utterly.
How are you coping with your mother? Well, she's still set on the page boys.
I had to put my foot down at the symphony orchestra.
Spoilsport.
It kind of feels as if she's getting married and not me.
I love you.
I hope it's better than that blended muck in the library.
I didn't notice you complain when you finished the bottle.
- Now, look here- - shh! Shh.
Hector kept this for very special occasions.
By the rivers of Babylon, 'tis highland park! Orkney, '52.
I remember we had a nip when that ghastly Thatcher woman was blackballed.
You're not suggesting? Nobody else knows about it.
Poor old Hector can't exactly perhaps if we drink to his honor.
Yes, that's it.
We're drinking it for him really.
Yes, it'll spare me a tryst with Pamela, the cook's wealthy mater.
Now you've got me confused.
I thought you were mounting an expeditionary force on that front.
Perhaps I am.
But it's been a guiding principle of my life always to put pleasure before business.
That sounds like someone else I used to know.
Both: Hector! ( snoring ) So much for my inheritance, Hector.
This is most kind of you.
Judging by the narrowness of this waistline I reckon you must have worn these when you were about 12.
In 1972.
Oh! It must have been a big rabbit you pulled out of that hat.
What was it- the gig? Children's party? panto? I was her Britannic Majesty's military attaché in Khartoum.
Please, don't tease.
My head is going round like a fairground organ.
Serves you right for standing me up last night.
I told you I was bringing comfort and succor to my grieving sister.
Right.
you were probably under a table somewhere.
Thank you.
Nice bod, Jolyon.
Nice manly pair of pins.
My wee Eric, he may be rich, but see him without his chinos, he looks like an underfed chicken.
So next time, Cary Grant, make sure it's me that gets the comfort and succor, eh? Are you ready? We're getting a bit late.
( chains rattling ) Duncan: You all right? You hadn't harnessed these properly.
Golly, I had.
Budge up.
- What-? - Budge up! Give your face a holiday.
I was driving horses before you were born.
Walk on.
Easy.
Whoa.
Whoa.
That's it.
good boys.
- What's up? - Just checking the coffin.
- I already did that.
- Exactly.
And how's the work experience going anyway, lads? What happens now? ( organ music playing ) Trust Hector to be late for his own funeral.
Ah.
What in heaven? Kilwillie: Hector Naismith MacDonald was very possibly the most stubborn, the most irritating, the most maddening laird in the history of lairdom.
Quite a distinction.
He was also my friend.
the lord's my shepherd I'll not want he makes me down to lie in pastures green he leadeth me Archie: I'm going to read a poem.
Which, judging by the thumbmarks in this book, must have been one of my father's favorites.
But then I'm only just beginning to realize that there was a lot more to my father than met the eye.
And I wonder what could and should have been spoken of between us, but now never will.
"Oh ye, whose cheek the tear of pity stains, draw near with pious reverence and attend.
" Molly: I'd like you to hear a piece of music that is- was very dear to Hector and myself.
And it's how I'd like to remember my husband, with a lively spring in his step.
( scratchy recording plays ) love is the sweetest thing what else on earth could ever bring such happiness to everything as love's old story love is the strangest thing no song of birds upon the wing such happiness to everything I won't be a moment.
I'm all right.
Why did you have to rush off like that? ( barking ) Oh, Useless, Useless.
Where have you been? You sweet little thing.
- ( Molly sobbing ) - ( bagpipes playing ) Thank you.
Goodbye, my friend.
Good dog.
Archie: Thank you all for helping Lexie and I prepare for our special day.
As you know, we only have a few hours to get the house ready so let's get to work.
Any questions, just come and see me.
She'll make somebody a lovely mother-in-law one day.
No, I told you.
Luncheon's to be served in the ballroom.
- Yeah, but- - no "buts.
" Back you go.
Uh, uh, uh.
Where're you going? - She says- - Useless men.
we decided, didn't we, darling? That we should all hogdown in the ballroom.
No, we didn't.
You decided.
I want the reception through there.
Take it back through.
But the ballroom is such a nice room.
And you know what they say, mothers know best.
- No, my mother doesn't.
- Don't be ungracious, dearie.
Don't forget who's putting her hand in her pocket for all this.
Now listen to me.
Don't you start- - preparations all in hand? - Yeah, they're fine, Molly, thanks.
Good.
I'm sorry I haven't been able to help, but I'm not feeling - do you want me to get you anything? - No, not really.
It'll be lovely to hear laughter in the house again.
Now where were we? Look, just do what you want.
That's what you're going to do anyway.
Oh, dear.
( sobbing ) Oh, dear.
Hector.
( knocking ) - Joe: Molly, are you in there? - No.
I hope you're decent because I'm coming in.
Go away, I haven't got my face on.
Oh, stuff and nonsense.
I'm your little brother, remember? - You all right, old girl? - Yes, thanks, perfectly fine.
Oh, Molly, Molly.
You looked after everyone else, didn't you? - What about tomorrow? - I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Archie needs you, not only for the wedding, - but this money business.
- I know, I know.
I just can't seem to- get myself together.
Rouse myself.
That's good.
That's very good.
Thank you.
It's not finished yet.
It's got something missing but I don't quite know what it is.
That's what you should do.
Finish the portrait.
How's that going to help Archie? You leave it to me.
I've got a beezer of an idea.
It's always been the same.
No matter how hard I try to please my wee girl, all I get is lip.
I just happened to mention I thought the cake was a wee bit on the small side, and she throws me out.
She wouldn't even travel in the same car up to the hotel.
Something about there not being enough room on my broomstick.
Pammy: How come you're so good at this, anyway? I thought this was a game for wee fat lugs called "jockey" or "auckey" or something.
I used to play against my houseboy in Kenya.
Oh, and did you thrash him like you're thrashing me? Sadly, no.
So, Jolyon, it's time for a girl to ask a chap about his intentions.
You haven't said what we're playing for.
Or indeed, why you've been trying to get me pished for the last two hours.
Well, Pammy, how shall I put this? I gather that you're rather rich.
( chuckles ) Oh, Cary, you disappoint me.
That's not how it goes in the movies.
I thought you had a wee bit more class.
No, it's not for me.
I'm ripped to the wide.
Homeless as well as hopeless, but I'm trying to help your only daughter and my only nephew.
I see.
Willie, another vodka in there for mother teresa.
Hello, Lexie.
Joining the local gentry, so I hear.
What's a poor girl to do when you're the only alternative? Now away and pour me a pint of guinness.
There's a good boy.
- That's my girl.
- Just bluster.
I'm really not looking forward to this.
Listen, Arch- yoo-hoo! I've got the mixers for the cocktails.
What is your pleasure? Tequila slammer? Come on.
Save all that for tomorrow night.
Have a good hen night.
See you tomorrow.
Pamela? I'm so excited and thrilled.
I've been wracking my brains about what to give you two sweethearts for a wedding present.
I'm sure the old place has got plenty of towels.
Yep, that is one thing we do have plenty of.
All your problems are over, Archie.
Call it Lexie's stake in the family business.
I'm sorry, I don't quite understand.
These death duties.
You will let me take care of them for you, won't you? Pamela, that's extraordinarily generous of you- no problem.
We can easily afford it, Eric and me.
- I appreciate that.
it's- - listen to me a wee minute.
You know that things haven't always been so good between Lexie and me.
Just like they were with you and your daddy.
I'd like to make amends before it's too late.
You get me? Besides it would give you a proper start.
I just want my wee girl to be happy, that's all I care about.
So, what do you say? Well, what can I say? I accept.
This is lovely, Lex.
It reminds me so much of my own wedding.
Which one? The first- the best, your daddy.
Oh, I know it all went a wee bit pear-shaped later on, but, see when he wedded me and then bedded me, it was fantastic.
What we had, your daddy and me, it gleamed and shone, like my new pearls here.
That's funny, I don't quite remember it like that.
No, well, the shine did go.
And back then, the pearls were fake.
And I'm sorry, pet lamb.
I know it was no picnic for you growing up.
I'm sorry for you too, mum.
I really am.
And I'm sorry I've been a bit snippy in the past few days.
Just been worried sick.
- Mostly about Archie.
- Why, darling? Because I know behind that brave face he's in a bad way.
About Hector, and there's these death duties now.
- What? - Nothing.
- What? - It's a surprise.
Oh, buttonholes, got to get buttonholes.
- Lexie? - Your little secret's out.
She just couldn't help herself, could she? - She just had to show off.
- Look, I can explain- you don't need to explain anything to me about my mother, Arch.
I know all there is to know.
And I know what this stunt is all about.
She's trying to control my life.
The way it's always been.
I'm sure she's not trying to do that.
Arch, you're thinking like a tree stump.
You don't know her like I know her.
Give her one inch, and she's like a puma in a parrot house.
- I thought it would be good for both of you.
- Well, you were wrong.
Look in any case, this marriage isn't about me and my mother.
And it's not about trying to ease Molly's pain, or your guilt- as much as I'd like that- but it's about me and you, and the feelings we have for each other.
I don't feel guilt about my father.
No? Then tell me, tell me what is going on in here.
'Cause it seems to me the Archie I know and I love, is in real pain.
Things were- things were very bad between us when he went.
As bad as they had ever been.
I always felt like I was a disappointment to him.
Jamie was the golden boy and I- I wasn't.
Whatever I did, I could never escape that.
We said some very bitter things to each other at the end.
Well, I did to him.
And I feel so bad about that because I'm beginning to think I might have misjudged him.
There's nothing I, or anyone else, can do about that, except father, maybe but he's not here, is he? I wish I could do something to help you.
You do, you do.
I'm in the middle of something here.
And I'm trying to get through to the other side.
And I will, because I know you're going to be there waiting for me.
And once we're married- see, this is what I'm afraid of.
It's not a marriage, it's a therapy session.
I'm the only one who's not getting any treatment.
Remember what your father said when we told him? His curse? He said it would all end in tears, didn't he? Well, he was right.
( Lexie sobs ) Lexie, wait! ( door slams ) I'm rather cross with you.
Rushing off like that.
You left Archie in rather a bad state.
The boy's lost.
What am I going to do with him? Or you? I wonder father? Wha-? Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Mother? Morning, Archie.
How are you today? Fine, fine.
- It's just that - do you like your rose? Yes.
- You've got one too? - Of course.
You better get ready because there's a job I want you to do before we leave for the church.
Is something wrong? No no, I don't think so.
Archie: Is he straight? As much as he ever was.
Leaning to the right.
Ditto.
That's it.
You've got him just fine, Molly.
His eyes follow you everywhere.
Have you noticed? I'm glad you did it with a smile on his face.
Wouldn't want him glowering at me for the rest of my life.
He'll always be smiling on you, Archie.
Time we were off.
Are you ready? Yes, mother, I think I am.
You look fan-dabby-dozy.
Cheer up, it might never happen.
I feel terrible.
- Why, darling? - What I said to Archie, after all he's been through, he really needed me there.
I just let him down.
That boy's tougher than he looks, mark my words.
Mum, could you just leave me alone for a minute? I just want to get my head together.
I'll come "zhoosh" you in a bit.
Okay.
Should I bring your bait and bap? No.
( sighs ) ( whispers ) Courage.
Molly, I think you'll find I've sorted everything out for Archie.
Have you, Joe? How clever of you.
But he'll just have to struggle along in my absence.
Why? where are you going? Pamela has asked me to stay with her and Eric.
They have a luxury bungalow outside Glasgow.
( rings ) Where's the bride? I'm throwing her away.
Duncan, have you seen Lexie? I can't find her anywhere.
That's 'cause she's not here.
- ( in unison ) what? - I just saw her get on the bus.
Let's face it, Archie, she always has had a tendency to overcook things.
- Archie! - It's Lexie.
She's done a runner.
Right! Pamela: Archie, you drive.
Kilwillie: Get in here.
ooh! Golly: On, laddy! Come on, Archibald, push the pedal to the metal.
- She got a good start.
- Where is she running to? - Probably to my sister's in Dundee.
- She must be desperate.
Kilwillie: Holy moses! Please come on, we're late.
Make tracks! Oh, Archie.
Kilwillie: Drive, drive! Molly: Not too fast.
Not too fast! - Golly: On, laddy! - Duncan: Whoa! ( Golly chuckles ) There she comes! Come on, Arch.
You've got to do it! Kilwillie: There she is.
( all scream ) - What are you doing? - Archie, mind my Cadillac! I know what I'm doing.
Duncan: Oh, no, the bus.
Driver: What the-? Hi hello.
Hi.
Archie: Trying to dodge your fare, eh? - Archie- - I'm not going to take your mother's money.
I don't know what we'll do, but we'll do it together.
And as for the wedding, you were right - wrong time, wrong place.
When we do get married there'll be no clouds in the sky.
And the only feelings will be joy and serenity and a certainty that everything is gonna be okay.
I love you to bits, Lex.
Will you marry me? I've got very cold feet.
- I'll warm them up for you.
- You're not ready for this.
I am.
Archie, if I agreed, I wouldn't just be marrying you, I'd be marrying a dozen other people.
Whatever makes you say that? Look, Lex, you don't have to decide now, but just come with me.
Come home.
Do you not see? I got a return ticket.
( giggles ) All: Oh-hh! ( applause ) Hey! Hey-yy! ( theme music playing )