NewsRadio (1995) s03e11 Episode Script
The Trainer
MAN: How do I put this? Uh If Ted Chambers' Total Workout was a belt, gold membership would be the buckle.
You get all the gym services.
Spa, weight-training, yoga classes, step classes.
Spinning.
Nothing's left out.
What about parking? Parking's extra.
You know what I love about the gold? [WHISTLES.]
What are you doing? Nothing.
And that's my point.
The gold sells itself.
Here, read this.
Out loud.
"Total access--" Stop.
You read it.
"Total access" Sounds good, doesn't it? That's all well and good.
I'm worried about the price.
Things a little tight? No, of course not.
'Cause we do have the silver package.
Nobody'd know the difference.
One caveat, though: That doesn't include spinning, sauna or shower privileges.
And that is enforced.
Does Ted himself work out here? Oh, sure, all the time.
Really? Is he here today? Maybe.
Hey, why don't you guys do a little brain jam on this thing.
Take your time.
Listen, Vic, exactly how much is this gonna cost? Hoo, I better put on my cup.
This guy's playin' hardball.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, all right.
I'm not supposed to do this, but, uh I'm knockin' Oh, wow.
Why? 'Cause I like gettin' myself in trouble.
[GIGGLES.]
Here.
Okay, that's 35 percent off of what exactly? Uh, the membership price? Obviously, you're the brains in the crew.
Yeah, I know.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Hey, hey, hey How 'bout a little contraband? Oh Ted Chambers' official T-shirts.
Look at that, Bill.
Because I am a sucker for a shock jock.
Thanks, but that's not really what I do.
No, but you do, don't you? Huh? Gettin' under people's skin, get 'em all riled up.
But seriously, hey, you serve a function.
I appreciate that, but before we sign anything, we're going to need to see a specific dollar figure.
Mini-tram.
What? Space on the mini-tram.
Did you see it? You have mini-tram? Yeah! I love mini-trams.
Check it out! Get me one of those.
Right around the corner.
Whoa! Look who I ran into.
Ted.
Wow.
Bill McNeal.
Thinkin' of joining.
What can we do for him? Er, is he serious about getting fit? I sure am, Ted.
Well, that's all I needed to hear.
I could make this guy my special project.
VIC: What? Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
You'd saying you'd be willing to train Bill personally? Wow! Uh, yeah.
Wow.
[WHISPERS.]
This is freaky.
He, like, never does this.
Sowhere do I sign? [LAUGHING.]
Right-- Right down there.
Welcome aboard, Al.
Bill.
Right.
So how do you wanna take care of this? Uh, anyway you want, buddy.
Cash, traveler's checks, credit card, whatever's easiest.
Who do I make it out to? No personal checks.
[.]
Hey, what's that? Uh, ahem, it's Dave's personal file.
Heh.
Then why are you goin' through it? Because I have to fax his credit information over to his new bank.
Oh.
Can I look? Matthew-- It's Dave's personal file.
It is private.
It's privileged information.
It's incredibly confidential.
So do not tell him I let you look at it.
Oh, wow, look at that.
Dave was in the chess club in high school.
[SNICKERS.]
Would you put chess club on your résumé? I know.
It just rubs it into all the people who couldn't get in the chess club.
Look, here's the problem.
The problem is, I'm supposed to sit on the dais at a presidential charity fundraiser tonight.
Well, that's great.
What's your problem? The problem is, I'm sitting next to President Bill Clinton, king of America.
What if I spill something? Don't worry.
It's not like the president can have you executed for using the wrong fork.
Yeah, try tellin' that to Never mind.
Who? Never mind.
Said too much already.
Please, for you own safety, would you just go? Well, sir, you know, I've had dinner with you dozens of times, and y-your table manners are just fine.
No, they are not fine.
What, are you kiddin' me? I spent years cultivating the worst table manners on the planet.
Excuse me? You don't get it, do you? No, butyou know, I've grown accustomed to that.
Yeah, it's an old business ploy.
Uh-huh.
You intimidate the guy you're dealin' with by-by eatin' like a slob.
Uh-huh.
And then that's effective? Oh, hell yes, I've cut millions off of deals by eatin' baked beans with my hands.
Well, clearly you just need a refresher course on table etiquette.
Great.
When's my first lesson? Oh, I walked into that, didn't I? Oh, yeah.
They, uh They haven't invented any new utensils while I've been away, have they? No.
Are you sure? Because I-I-I think I heard somebody mention something about a spork? Oh, l-l-look at this.
What's this? Uh, "birthcertificate.
" Look at those tiny little feet.
Still the same size.
Whoa, that's weird.
Look at that.
Oh, my God.
Is that for real? I don't-- Th-- That looks very official to me.
No, that's impossible.
It says it right here.
That has to be a mistake.
What if it's not? It has to be.
What if it's not? Bill.
What? Bill.
Just found out something really weird.
Here, look at this, look at this.
Look, people, I'm sure what you have to show me is utterly fascinating, but I don't have the time.
I'm on my way to my first training session with my new personal trainer, Ted Chambers, himself.
If you'll excuse me.
No, but-- Bill, no, no You have to Where'd you get this? Dave's personal file.
It has to be a mistake.
Catherine, we're just as shocked as you are.
So Dave is Canadian? Oh, oh, I can't believe this.
Canadian? [.]
TED: So, Mr.
McNeal, we all ready for your first training session? Sure am, Ted.
Excellent.
Because you know the right attitude is 90% of any training program.
Absolutely.
Okay.
Well, I like to start off with the bench press, so why don't you lie down right here? All right.
Other way.
Now, I'm gonna start you off light, but we're gonna work hard today.
Okay, bring it on.
All right, then.
Nice and easy.
Full extension and one.
Very good.
And two.
Excellent.
And three, and four-- Hey! Hey! Where'd Ted go? Ted's a busy man.
My name's Vic.
Okay Yeah, I-I-I know, we've met.
You're the guy who sold me the membership.
But, uh Oh, right.
Shock Jock! You're upside-down.
All right, let's go for it.
What are we on? Five? Three-- Three? Two? One? Let's start at the beginning.
No.
Come on.
And shock andjock.
Come on, man, push it up.
All set? Yep.
Have a seat.
All right.
Where's the food? Uh Let's just pretend there's food.
Just make-believe? Yeah.
Dave, make-believe's for little girls and mental patients.
I suck at make-believe.
Can't we do something? Just peanuts, crackers, anything? Sure.
Hey, uh, how about, uh10-day-old donuts? Perfect.
All right, now But, sir, really, uh, do not eat this.
It is 10 days old.
Yeah, I'll try to resist.
Please, just set it up, will you? All right.
Do either of you belong to a gym? No.
Nope.
Yeah, well, I do.
I just paid an ass-load of money to join that Ted Chambers Gym.
And Ted is supposed to be my personal trainer.
But then he disappears, and may I? Sure, go ahead.
Knock yourself out.
[DONUT CRUNCHES.]
Mmm Wow.
These are just like the donuts my mother used to make.
Anyway, I told 'em I want my check back, and now they won't give it to me.
I mean, I just opened the membership.
There just has to be some kind of seven-day escape clause or something in the contract, right? Yeah, there's gotta be.
I'm gonna go check that out.
All right, and there you go.
Yeah, thanks.
MATTHEW: Dave? Mm-hmm? Doing a story on eggs Benedict.
Having trouble with the research.
Was wondering if you'd help out.
Salad fork, dinner fork, dinner knife, butter knife.
See, I know it's poached eggs, right? And you got hollandaise sauce.
Yes.
Something else Yes.
Canadian bacon.
Oh.
Yeah.
[PUFFS.]
Canadian? Yes, yes.
Hmm.
Interesting.
Thank you, gentlemen.
That's all I needed.
[CLICKS HEELS.]
All right.
I can't believe it.
All those hours I spent talkin' hockey with him, and he pretended not to be interested.
I feel so naked.
What's new about that? Catherine, please, not at a time like this.
What did you find out? It's all true.
I just confirmed it.
Oh How? Well, let's just say I laid out a little trap, and the mouse took the cheese.
Or the bacon, as it were.
What? Look, so what if he's Canadian? It doesn't change anything.
He's still the same person.
Is he, Catherine? Is he? You think we should tell Lisa? Look, we have to be gentle.
Right? One time I dated this guy for three months, and then a friend told me about his wife.
It was devastating.
BETH: I'm sorry.
Oh Was she Canadian also? [SIGHS.]
I'm gonna go get Lisa.
Yeah, go get Lisa.
I can't believe Dave.
Always talkin' about how he's from the Midwest, the heart of America, where all the real Americans live.
Now this.
What's going on? Lisa, have a seat, have a seat.
Lisa, did you ever think that you knew someone really well, and then you found out something about him that you didn't know? You're gay? I am? You are? What? It's about Dave.
MATTHEW: Yeah.
Dave's gay? He is? What?! What? Is he? Wow.
No, Dave is Canadian.
Canadian.
Dave's Canadian.
See? Yeah.
What? This is the big news? Well, we-- We just found out.
We didn't know if you knew or not.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, come on.
Who didn't know that? You're Canadian? I am? Notyou, sir.
Him.
Oh, no, Dave, h-he's from the Midwest, the heart of America where the real Americans live.
You're as American as apple pie, aren't you, Dave? Yeah.
Oh, well, then what is this all about? What's what all--? What--? Uh, what's what? You're afraid to say it, aren't you? No.
Yes, you are.
If you have nothing to hide, say "about.
" No.
No.
Say it.
Say " out.
" No.
"House.
" "Pouch.
" Your Honor, I plead the Fifth.
I don't know if you have that right.
But I do too, eh? [LISA GASPS.]
Oh, my God! [.]
LISA: Why didn't you tell me you're Canadian? Because I'm not.
Why does it say so on your birth certificate? Say what? That you're Canadian.
Oh, Canadian.
Oh.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, I guess, uh Yeah, I guess technically speaking you could say I was Canadian.
What is technically speaking? Well, technically-- Uh, technically, my mother is Canadian, and, uh, technically, I-I was born in Canada.
Uhhh, you know, w-we l-left Canada when I was 5 years old, so it's really not a big deal.
It sounds like it's a bit of a big deal to me.
Uh-huh, look, I-- I hardly even remember Canada.
I have a vague recollection of a very clean state-run daycare facility, and that's about it.
You know, Dave, I have told you everything about myself.
Everything.
Look, I-I was five.
You haven't told me what you were doing when you were five.
Yes, I have.
Remember? They tested me for preschool, found out I was reading on a fourth-grade level, Right.
and found out I could do long division in my head-- Yes, yes, yes, yes, I remember now.
I recall the conversation.
I still don't know why it's such a big deal.
If you didn't tell me about this, who knows what else you're keeping from me? Well, you've got me, all right? Yes, yes, I'm Canadian, and I'm actually 46 years old, I'm secretly married and have two children living in New Jersey, and at night I patrol the streets of Gotham City in my customized Dave-mobile.
You know, yesterday I would have known you were joking.
Today I'm not so sure.
Good day, sir.
[.]
DAVE: Okay, let's try this one more time.
All right.
All right? Would the gentleman care for an hors d'oeuvre? Yeah, I believe I'd like to try that stapler.
That looks delicious.
Very good, sir.
Thank you.
So you're Canadian, eh? Yeah.
I guess I am.
Why'd you keep it a secret for so long? I didn't.
I just didn't think it was a big deal.
Come on, Dave.
Lie to them.
Don't lie to me.
I'm not lying, all right? Look, I'm a Canadian.
Who cares? I don't.
You don't, huh? Mm-mmm.
Are you sure? Okay.
I care.
I care a lot.
All right? Look, this-- This little secret has sort of dogged me my whole life.
Then talk to me.
Well, when we first moved to the States when I was a kid, I was worried about what the other kids would think if they found out I wasn't, you know actually an American.
What'd you think the other kids would think? It's remarkably stupid.
It's not stupid No, it is.
It's embarrassing.
if it bothers you this long.
Well, I-I was-- I was afraid the other kids would think we were spies.
Spies? Yes.
Canadian spies? That is remarkably stupid.
Well, when you're five, you don't really understand the intricacies of international espionage.
You poor thing.
You poor misguided Canadian bastard.
[.]
Hey, buddy! Good to see ya.
Don't give me that song and dance.
I want my money back.
Okay, now, sometimes after the first workout, if you're a little out of shape, a lot of emotional stuff can come up, so No, no, it's nothing like that.
I want out.
Okay, well, let me take a look at the contract.
There must be some kind of loophole here.
Nope.
Not on this one.
I don't need a loophole.
I quit.
Quit? That's one four-letter word I thought you didn't use, Mr.
Shock Jock.
I'm not a shock jock.
I just want my money back now.
I demand satisfaction now.
Okay, let me hip you to something, pal.
All right? That dude in there? Ted Chambers? He might seem like a nice, big, cuddly, warm, fuzzy, you know, honey bear type of guy to you, right? I got news for you.
He's one bad S.
O.
B.
Okay? And he runs the show.
I can't even pop a zit without getting his initials on it first.
I don't care.
Just do it.
You're not hearin' me here.
Look at me.
Who am I? Who am I? I'm Ted Chambers' puppet.
Okay? He's Wayland Flowers, I'm Madame.
Quite frankly, I'm-- I'm scared of the guy, most of the time.
Now, look, I'm sorry to have to put you in this predicament-- Predicament? [SCOFFS.]
Predicament.
I just think it's weird that we're even having this conversation.
I mean, how did we get here? Sit down.
I mean, this is us.
You know? I mean, you and I, we are just like, you know, two halves of the coin, man.
Both got our demons, huh? Huh? You're lucky you get to work 'em out on the radio, you know, doin' the crazy mornin' zoo crew with the prank phone calls, and the bells and the beep, boop, bee-ooh! Yeah, yeah, just give me my money back! [.]
Okay, before we start, let's just get this out of the way.
Yes, I am Canadian.
Ah-ha! Sorry I didn't mention it.
I didn't think it was such a big deal.
What, are you ultra sensitive about it or something? No.
Were you afraid we're gonna kick your ass? No.
You should be.
I have a few things I'd like to say.
[SIGHS.]
When I look around this table, I see a rainbow of national origins.
Where'd your family come over from, Joe? Italy.
Beth? Ireland.
Catherine? Africa.
Oh, wow, you're from Africa? And of course, Matthew's from Neptune.
I, myself, am descended from the ancient Pilgrims, who came over on the Mayflower from Portugal or someplace like that.
JIMMY: Dave, I'm-- I'm having a little trouble with this artichoke that Uh, just-just a minute, please, sir.
Now, Bill, I-I-I appreciate what you're trying to do, but really, I-I'm fine with this, all right? Yes, it's true, Dave, if indeed that is his real name, may not know who the 11th president was-- James Polk.
Or who won the '67 World Series-- St.
Louis Cardinals.
Or what the capitals of Arizona, Arkansas and North Dakota are-- Phoenix, Little Rock and Bismarck.
Or what the state flower, bird and motto of Hawaii are.
Hibiscus, nene goose, and, "The life of the lion is perpetuated in righteousness.
" Bill, what is your point? I don't remember.
But I think I've proven that Dave is actually very well-versed in Americana.
Thank you.
Maybe a little too well-versed.
Excuse me? Listen if you're insinuating that I am a spy, or that any member of my family is a spy, then you're way off-base! Look, just because we're Canadian, does not mean we are spies! [DOOR SLAMS.]
Hey, what part of Africa are ya from? Shut up.
No, seriously.
Say something in African.
[AFRICAN ACCENT.]
Shut up.
[.]
DAVE: Well, have fun tonight.
Yeah, thanks.
I'll try.
Yeah, hey You know what? You're almost well-mannered enough to be a Canadian.
I guess I am.
Thanks, that makes me feel better.
Okay.
Good night.
Good night.
Dave? Can we see you for a second? Sure.
Well, I think you forgot your torches and pitchforks.
We just wanted to apologize.
We're sorry.
Really sorry.
We're very sorry.
Really.
It's okay if you're Canadian.
You know, a lot of people are.
Hundreds of people.
And you know, Dave, we all have our little secrets, you know? For instance, my résumé says that I'm 23.
[CHUCKLES.]
Just between you and me, I'm just a little older than that.
Some-- Sometimes I steal office supplies.
Me too.
Me too.
Me too.
Me too.
CATHERINE: Me too.
Well, uhthanks everyone.
That makes me feel better, and a-apology accepted.
Okay.
You're welcome.
Good night, Dave.
ALL: Bye, Dave.
Good night.
And stop stealing office supplies.
ALL: Bye.
Lisa? Yes? I'm sorry.
I-- I should have told you.
Yes, you should have.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, good Now, this, uh, Dave-mobile? Mm-hmm? Is it, uh, automatic or stick? Well, I could show you, but I've never taken a girl to the Dave-cave.
What's up with the gym bag, dude? I'm going down to the Ted Chambers Gym.
Thought that guy was rippin' you off.
No, we worked out a special deal, where I can actually make money by working out there.
Man, this is great.
Wait'll I tell my friends that my personal trainer is the Bill McNeal.
Okay, we're gonna start you out slow.
And one.
Good.
Let's go for two.
Yeah, so, what's it like being on the radio, Bill? Bill? What--? Bill? Mr.
McNeal had to go get a rubdown.
My name's Vic.
I'll be helping you out today.
BILL CLINTON: I wanna thank the First Lady for these remarkable three and a half years we've had in the White House, for putting up with a phenomenal amount of abuse solely because she happened [DISHES CLATTER.]
to be married to me.
And doing it with good humor and good grace and a strong heart.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING.]
Who's your favorite group? UhKenny G.
Garbage.
Definitely Garbage.
Good choice.
Havin' a gold membership is like a backstage pass to see the Garbagemen live.
Huh? Huh? You get to work 'em out on the radio with your crazy zoo crew, with the prank phone calls, and the bells and the characters.
Mr.
Green Chuckle, and all those crazy little things.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
You get all the gym services.
Spa, weight-training, yoga classes, step classes.
Spinning.
Nothing's left out.
What about parking? Parking's extra.
You know what I love about the gold? [WHISTLES.]
What are you doing? Nothing.
And that's my point.
The gold sells itself.
Here, read this.
Out loud.
"Total access--" Stop.
You read it.
"Total access" Sounds good, doesn't it? That's all well and good.
I'm worried about the price.
Things a little tight? No, of course not.
'Cause we do have the silver package.
Nobody'd know the difference.
One caveat, though: That doesn't include spinning, sauna or shower privileges.
And that is enforced.
Does Ted himself work out here? Oh, sure, all the time.
Really? Is he here today? Maybe.
Hey, why don't you guys do a little brain jam on this thing.
Take your time.
Listen, Vic, exactly how much is this gonna cost? Hoo, I better put on my cup.
This guy's playin' hardball.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, all right.
I'm not supposed to do this, but, uh I'm knockin' Oh, wow.
Why? 'Cause I like gettin' myself in trouble.
[GIGGLES.]
Here.
Okay, that's 35 percent off of what exactly? Uh, the membership price? Obviously, you're the brains in the crew.
Yeah, I know.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Hey, hey, hey How 'bout a little contraband? Oh Ted Chambers' official T-shirts.
Look at that, Bill.
Because I am a sucker for a shock jock.
Thanks, but that's not really what I do.
No, but you do, don't you? Huh? Gettin' under people's skin, get 'em all riled up.
But seriously, hey, you serve a function.
I appreciate that, but before we sign anything, we're going to need to see a specific dollar figure.
Mini-tram.
What? Space on the mini-tram.
Did you see it? You have mini-tram? Yeah! I love mini-trams.
Check it out! Get me one of those.
Right around the corner.
Whoa! Look who I ran into.
Ted.
Wow.
Bill McNeal.
Thinkin' of joining.
What can we do for him? Er, is he serious about getting fit? I sure am, Ted.
Well, that's all I needed to hear.
I could make this guy my special project.
VIC: What? Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
You'd saying you'd be willing to train Bill personally? Wow! Uh, yeah.
Wow.
[WHISPERS.]
This is freaky.
He, like, never does this.
Sowhere do I sign? [LAUGHING.]
Right-- Right down there.
Welcome aboard, Al.
Bill.
Right.
So how do you wanna take care of this? Uh, anyway you want, buddy.
Cash, traveler's checks, credit card, whatever's easiest.
Who do I make it out to? No personal checks.
[.]
Hey, what's that? Uh, ahem, it's Dave's personal file.
Heh.
Then why are you goin' through it? Because I have to fax his credit information over to his new bank.
Oh.
Can I look? Matthew-- It's Dave's personal file.
It is private.
It's privileged information.
It's incredibly confidential.
So do not tell him I let you look at it.
Oh, wow, look at that.
Dave was in the chess club in high school.
[SNICKERS.]
Would you put chess club on your résumé? I know.
It just rubs it into all the people who couldn't get in the chess club.
Look, here's the problem.
The problem is, I'm supposed to sit on the dais at a presidential charity fundraiser tonight.
Well, that's great.
What's your problem? The problem is, I'm sitting next to President Bill Clinton, king of America.
What if I spill something? Don't worry.
It's not like the president can have you executed for using the wrong fork.
Yeah, try tellin' that to Never mind.
Who? Never mind.
Said too much already.
Please, for you own safety, would you just go? Well, sir, you know, I've had dinner with you dozens of times, and y-your table manners are just fine.
No, they are not fine.
What, are you kiddin' me? I spent years cultivating the worst table manners on the planet.
Excuse me? You don't get it, do you? No, butyou know, I've grown accustomed to that.
Yeah, it's an old business ploy.
Uh-huh.
You intimidate the guy you're dealin' with by-by eatin' like a slob.
Uh-huh.
And then that's effective? Oh, hell yes, I've cut millions off of deals by eatin' baked beans with my hands.
Well, clearly you just need a refresher course on table etiquette.
Great.
When's my first lesson? Oh, I walked into that, didn't I? Oh, yeah.
They, uh They haven't invented any new utensils while I've been away, have they? No.
Are you sure? Because I-I-I think I heard somebody mention something about a spork? Oh, l-l-look at this.
What's this? Uh, "birthcertificate.
" Look at those tiny little feet.
Still the same size.
Whoa, that's weird.
Look at that.
Oh, my God.
Is that for real? I don't-- Th-- That looks very official to me.
No, that's impossible.
It says it right here.
That has to be a mistake.
What if it's not? It has to be.
What if it's not? Bill.
What? Bill.
Just found out something really weird.
Here, look at this, look at this.
Look, people, I'm sure what you have to show me is utterly fascinating, but I don't have the time.
I'm on my way to my first training session with my new personal trainer, Ted Chambers, himself.
If you'll excuse me.
No, but-- Bill, no, no You have to Where'd you get this? Dave's personal file.
It has to be a mistake.
Catherine, we're just as shocked as you are.
So Dave is Canadian? Oh, oh, I can't believe this.
Canadian? [.]
TED: So, Mr.
McNeal, we all ready for your first training session? Sure am, Ted.
Excellent.
Because you know the right attitude is 90% of any training program.
Absolutely.
Okay.
Well, I like to start off with the bench press, so why don't you lie down right here? All right.
Other way.
Now, I'm gonna start you off light, but we're gonna work hard today.
Okay, bring it on.
All right, then.
Nice and easy.
Full extension and one.
Very good.
And two.
Excellent.
And three, and four-- Hey! Hey! Where'd Ted go? Ted's a busy man.
My name's Vic.
Okay Yeah, I-I-I know, we've met.
You're the guy who sold me the membership.
But, uh Oh, right.
Shock Jock! You're upside-down.
All right, let's go for it.
What are we on? Five? Three-- Three? Two? One? Let's start at the beginning.
No.
Come on.
And shock andjock.
Come on, man, push it up.
All set? Yep.
Have a seat.
All right.
Where's the food? Uh Let's just pretend there's food.
Just make-believe? Yeah.
Dave, make-believe's for little girls and mental patients.
I suck at make-believe.
Can't we do something? Just peanuts, crackers, anything? Sure.
Hey, uh, how about, uh10-day-old donuts? Perfect.
All right, now But, sir, really, uh, do not eat this.
It is 10 days old.
Yeah, I'll try to resist.
Please, just set it up, will you? All right.
Do either of you belong to a gym? No.
Nope.
Yeah, well, I do.
I just paid an ass-load of money to join that Ted Chambers Gym.
And Ted is supposed to be my personal trainer.
But then he disappears, and may I? Sure, go ahead.
Knock yourself out.
[DONUT CRUNCHES.]
Mmm Wow.
These are just like the donuts my mother used to make.
Anyway, I told 'em I want my check back, and now they won't give it to me.
I mean, I just opened the membership.
There just has to be some kind of seven-day escape clause or something in the contract, right? Yeah, there's gotta be.
I'm gonna go check that out.
All right, and there you go.
Yeah, thanks.
MATTHEW: Dave? Mm-hmm? Doing a story on eggs Benedict.
Having trouble with the research.
Was wondering if you'd help out.
Salad fork, dinner fork, dinner knife, butter knife.
See, I know it's poached eggs, right? And you got hollandaise sauce.
Yes.
Something else Yes.
Canadian bacon.
Oh.
Yeah.
[PUFFS.]
Canadian? Yes, yes.
Hmm.
Interesting.
Thank you, gentlemen.
That's all I needed.
[CLICKS HEELS.]
All right.
I can't believe it.
All those hours I spent talkin' hockey with him, and he pretended not to be interested.
I feel so naked.
What's new about that? Catherine, please, not at a time like this.
What did you find out? It's all true.
I just confirmed it.
Oh How? Well, let's just say I laid out a little trap, and the mouse took the cheese.
Or the bacon, as it were.
What? Look, so what if he's Canadian? It doesn't change anything.
He's still the same person.
Is he, Catherine? Is he? You think we should tell Lisa? Look, we have to be gentle.
Right? One time I dated this guy for three months, and then a friend told me about his wife.
It was devastating.
BETH: I'm sorry.
Oh Was she Canadian also? [SIGHS.]
I'm gonna go get Lisa.
Yeah, go get Lisa.
I can't believe Dave.
Always talkin' about how he's from the Midwest, the heart of America, where all the real Americans live.
Now this.
What's going on? Lisa, have a seat, have a seat.
Lisa, did you ever think that you knew someone really well, and then you found out something about him that you didn't know? You're gay? I am? You are? What? It's about Dave.
MATTHEW: Yeah.
Dave's gay? He is? What?! What? Is he? Wow.
No, Dave is Canadian.
Canadian.
Dave's Canadian.
See? Yeah.
What? This is the big news? Well, we-- We just found out.
We didn't know if you knew or not.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, come on.
Who didn't know that? You're Canadian? I am? Notyou, sir.
Him.
Oh, no, Dave, h-he's from the Midwest, the heart of America where the real Americans live.
You're as American as apple pie, aren't you, Dave? Yeah.
Oh, well, then what is this all about? What's what all--? What--? Uh, what's what? You're afraid to say it, aren't you? No.
Yes, you are.
If you have nothing to hide, say "about.
" No.
No.
Say it.
Say " out.
" No.
"House.
" "Pouch.
" Your Honor, I plead the Fifth.
I don't know if you have that right.
But I do too, eh? [LISA GASPS.]
Oh, my God! [.]
LISA: Why didn't you tell me you're Canadian? Because I'm not.
Why does it say so on your birth certificate? Say what? That you're Canadian.
Oh, Canadian.
Oh.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, I guess, uh Yeah, I guess technically speaking you could say I was Canadian.
What is technically speaking? Well, technically-- Uh, technically, my mother is Canadian, and, uh, technically, I-I was born in Canada.
Uhhh, you know, w-we l-left Canada when I was 5 years old, so it's really not a big deal.
It sounds like it's a bit of a big deal to me.
Uh-huh, look, I-- I hardly even remember Canada.
I have a vague recollection of a very clean state-run daycare facility, and that's about it.
You know, Dave, I have told you everything about myself.
Everything.
Look, I-I was five.
You haven't told me what you were doing when you were five.
Yes, I have.
Remember? They tested me for preschool, found out I was reading on a fourth-grade level, Right.
and found out I could do long division in my head-- Yes, yes, yes, yes, I remember now.
I recall the conversation.
I still don't know why it's such a big deal.
If you didn't tell me about this, who knows what else you're keeping from me? Well, you've got me, all right? Yes, yes, I'm Canadian, and I'm actually 46 years old, I'm secretly married and have two children living in New Jersey, and at night I patrol the streets of Gotham City in my customized Dave-mobile.
You know, yesterday I would have known you were joking.
Today I'm not so sure.
Good day, sir.
[.]
DAVE: Okay, let's try this one more time.
All right.
All right? Would the gentleman care for an hors d'oeuvre? Yeah, I believe I'd like to try that stapler.
That looks delicious.
Very good, sir.
Thank you.
So you're Canadian, eh? Yeah.
I guess I am.
Why'd you keep it a secret for so long? I didn't.
I just didn't think it was a big deal.
Come on, Dave.
Lie to them.
Don't lie to me.
I'm not lying, all right? Look, I'm a Canadian.
Who cares? I don't.
You don't, huh? Mm-mmm.
Are you sure? Okay.
I care.
I care a lot.
All right? Look, this-- This little secret has sort of dogged me my whole life.
Then talk to me.
Well, when we first moved to the States when I was a kid, I was worried about what the other kids would think if they found out I wasn't, you know actually an American.
What'd you think the other kids would think? It's remarkably stupid.
It's not stupid No, it is.
It's embarrassing.
if it bothers you this long.
Well, I-I was-- I was afraid the other kids would think we were spies.
Spies? Yes.
Canadian spies? That is remarkably stupid.
Well, when you're five, you don't really understand the intricacies of international espionage.
You poor thing.
You poor misguided Canadian bastard.
[.]
Hey, buddy! Good to see ya.
Don't give me that song and dance.
I want my money back.
Okay, now, sometimes after the first workout, if you're a little out of shape, a lot of emotional stuff can come up, so No, no, it's nothing like that.
I want out.
Okay, well, let me take a look at the contract.
There must be some kind of loophole here.
Nope.
Not on this one.
I don't need a loophole.
I quit.
Quit? That's one four-letter word I thought you didn't use, Mr.
Shock Jock.
I'm not a shock jock.
I just want my money back now.
I demand satisfaction now.
Okay, let me hip you to something, pal.
All right? That dude in there? Ted Chambers? He might seem like a nice, big, cuddly, warm, fuzzy, you know, honey bear type of guy to you, right? I got news for you.
He's one bad S.
O.
B.
Okay? And he runs the show.
I can't even pop a zit without getting his initials on it first.
I don't care.
Just do it.
You're not hearin' me here.
Look at me.
Who am I? Who am I? I'm Ted Chambers' puppet.
Okay? He's Wayland Flowers, I'm Madame.
Quite frankly, I'm-- I'm scared of the guy, most of the time.
Now, look, I'm sorry to have to put you in this predicament-- Predicament? [SCOFFS.]
Predicament.
I just think it's weird that we're even having this conversation.
I mean, how did we get here? Sit down.
I mean, this is us.
You know? I mean, you and I, we are just like, you know, two halves of the coin, man.
Both got our demons, huh? Huh? You're lucky you get to work 'em out on the radio, you know, doin' the crazy mornin' zoo crew with the prank phone calls, and the bells and the beep, boop, bee-ooh! Yeah, yeah, just give me my money back! [.]
Okay, before we start, let's just get this out of the way.
Yes, I am Canadian.
Ah-ha! Sorry I didn't mention it.
I didn't think it was such a big deal.
What, are you ultra sensitive about it or something? No.
Were you afraid we're gonna kick your ass? No.
You should be.
I have a few things I'd like to say.
[SIGHS.]
When I look around this table, I see a rainbow of national origins.
Where'd your family come over from, Joe? Italy.
Beth? Ireland.
Catherine? Africa.
Oh, wow, you're from Africa? And of course, Matthew's from Neptune.
I, myself, am descended from the ancient Pilgrims, who came over on the Mayflower from Portugal or someplace like that.
JIMMY: Dave, I'm-- I'm having a little trouble with this artichoke that Uh, just-just a minute, please, sir.
Now, Bill, I-I-I appreciate what you're trying to do, but really, I-I'm fine with this, all right? Yes, it's true, Dave, if indeed that is his real name, may not know who the 11th president was-- James Polk.
Or who won the '67 World Series-- St.
Louis Cardinals.
Or what the capitals of Arizona, Arkansas and North Dakota are-- Phoenix, Little Rock and Bismarck.
Or what the state flower, bird and motto of Hawaii are.
Hibiscus, nene goose, and, "The life of the lion is perpetuated in righteousness.
" Bill, what is your point? I don't remember.
But I think I've proven that Dave is actually very well-versed in Americana.
Thank you.
Maybe a little too well-versed.
Excuse me? Listen if you're insinuating that I am a spy, or that any member of my family is a spy, then you're way off-base! Look, just because we're Canadian, does not mean we are spies! [DOOR SLAMS.]
Hey, what part of Africa are ya from? Shut up.
No, seriously.
Say something in African.
[AFRICAN ACCENT.]
Shut up.
[.]
DAVE: Well, have fun tonight.
Yeah, thanks.
I'll try.
Yeah, hey You know what? You're almost well-mannered enough to be a Canadian.
I guess I am.
Thanks, that makes me feel better.
Okay.
Good night.
Good night.
Dave? Can we see you for a second? Sure.
Well, I think you forgot your torches and pitchforks.
We just wanted to apologize.
We're sorry.
Really sorry.
We're very sorry.
Really.
It's okay if you're Canadian.
You know, a lot of people are.
Hundreds of people.
And you know, Dave, we all have our little secrets, you know? For instance, my résumé says that I'm 23.
[CHUCKLES.]
Just between you and me, I'm just a little older than that.
Some-- Sometimes I steal office supplies.
Me too.
Me too.
Me too.
Me too.
CATHERINE: Me too.
Well, uhthanks everyone.
That makes me feel better, and a-apology accepted.
Okay.
You're welcome.
Good night, Dave.
ALL: Bye, Dave.
Good night.
And stop stealing office supplies.
ALL: Bye.
Lisa? Yes? I'm sorry.
I-- I should have told you.
Yes, you should have.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, good Now, this, uh, Dave-mobile? Mm-hmm? Is it, uh, automatic or stick? Well, I could show you, but I've never taken a girl to the Dave-cave.
What's up with the gym bag, dude? I'm going down to the Ted Chambers Gym.
Thought that guy was rippin' you off.
No, we worked out a special deal, where I can actually make money by working out there.
Man, this is great.
Wait'll I tell my friends that my personal trainer is the Bill McNeal.
Okay, we're gonna start you out slow.
And one.
Good.
Let's go for two.
Yeah, so, what's it like being on the radio, Bill? Bill? What--? Bill? Mr.
McNeal had to go get a rubdown.
My name's Vic.
I'll be helping you out today.
BILL CLINTON: I wanna thank the First Lady for these remarkable three and a half years we've had in the White House, for putting up with a phenomenal amount of abuse solely because she happened [DISHES CLATTER.]
to be married to me.
And doing it with good humor and good grace and a strong heart.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING.]
Who's your favorite group? UhKenny G.
Garbage.
Definitely Garbage.
Good choice.
Havin' a gold membership is like a backstage pass to see the Garbagemen live.
Huh? Huh? You get to work 'em out on the radio with your crazy zoo crew, with the prank phone calls, and the bells and the characters.
Mr.
Green Chuckle, and all those crazy little things.
[ALL LAUGHING.]