One Day at a Time (2017) s03e11 Episode Script

1 Alex, your papi will be here any minute.
So get off your butt, turn all the pillows to their good side, and hide the ugly one in the closet.
Why are we cleaning for Papi anyway? We're cleaning for his new girlfriend.
And there's no way I'm gonna let that woman think that we live like sucios.
I cleaned under the bathroom sink.
So Papi's girlfriend will be impressed if she decides to steal a tampon.
So, what is the deal with your papi? I'm here for you, mija.
I can go from zero to flipping this table.
Asi.
II'm a little nervous to see him, but he says he's sober, and he says he's okay with me being gay.
You never know with him, so keep one hand under the table just in case.
And, Lupe, this new novia, am I pulling her hair? Am I spitting in her café? It's fine.
You know, I'm happy for him.
She's probably blonde and thin and really excited to graduate college.
[knocking on door.]
[Penelope.]
Oh, here we go.
All right, everybody, let's all be nice to the Instagram model we'll probably never see again, okay? - Hey! - Papi! Hey, wow! Looking good, Lupe.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
So is the place.
Hey.
Ugly pillow in the closet? You know it.
So, you look good too.
Where'suh, Baby? I mean, Blondie.
I mean, your girlfriend.
Hey.
[chuckles.]
[both.]
Hi! [laughs.]
Oh, wow! Dang! Papi's got a type.
- Uh, come in.
Come in.
- Oh, okay.
- I love your hair.
- Oh, I love your hair.
Is that a ring? Uh, well, um, I thought we had a few more minutes of small talk before we got there, but, um, yeah.
Nicole is my fiancée.
- Surprise! [chuckles.]
- [exclaims.]
[grunts.]
[pants.]
I don't have it.
This is it This is life, the one you get So go and have a ball This is it Straight ahead and rest assured You can't be sure at all So while you're here, enjoy the view Keep on doing what you do Hold on tight We'll muddle through One day at a time So, up on your feet Somewhere there's music playing Don't you worry none We'll just take it like it comes One day at a time One day at a time One day at a time - One day at a time - One day at a time One day at a time Thank you for being so welcoming.
I know it must be awkward, Victor coming by with his new fiancée.
You think? It's not awkward.
It's just surprising.
You know, like, "Oh, that guy won the election? Really?" But it worked out fine.
[stammering.]
Listen, I am sorry.
I just didn't want to introduce you until things got really serious, but then they got really serious really fast.
Alex, I am so excited to meet you.
You're even more handsome in person than you are in photos.
All right! Welcome to the family.
And, Elena, your papi has told me so much about you.
Just so I know, what are your preferred pronouns? Oh! Well, my pronouns are she and her, and Syd, my significant other, identifies as they.
Thank you for asking.
"She, they.
" How do we keep people straight? So you wanna keep people straight? No, Elena, that's not what I meant.
[in unison.]
Okay.
My little sister, Mia, identifies as queer, and she's teaching me how to be an ally so I can pass it on to my students.
- Oh, you're a teacher? - Yeah.
I'm a special education teacher at an elementary school.
Isn't she amazing? Yeah, and age-appropriate.
Nothing to hate.
[laughs.]
[chuckles.]
Did you think I was going to be some young, blonde flaquita? [laughs.]
This is gonna put me in therapy.
[door opens.]
- Hey, Pen.
What up, hombre? - Whoa.
[laughs.]
Hey! So, where's this girlfriend? Hey, Pen.
Wait.
What? Hey, Schneider, uh, this is my fiancée, Nicole.
What? Fiancée? That's great.
- Wait.
Am I mad about this? - All good.
- Locked it down, dawg! - Yeah.
- So, you got a best man yet? - Uh, no, no.
What's with the arms? You don't have a lot of friends in LA, so obviously, I'm your best man.
I'm gonna plan your bachelor party.
Hashtag Vic-turn it up.
[chuckles.]
No, no, I don't need any of that.
Nicole's friends are throwing her a little bachelorette thing, and I'm just gonna take Elena and Alex to dinner.
A dad-chelor party! [laughs.]
I could work with that.
I'll go get my cargo shorts and braided belt.
[door closes.]
Does he understand he's not invited? Not since I've known him.
Well, we should get going.
It was so lovely to meet you.
It was so great to meet you.
Thank you so much for those flowers.
- Gracias, linda.
- Mucho gusto.
- [Lydia.]
Nice to meet you.
- [Penelope.]
Have a good time.
[Lydia.]
Hey, listen, don't be a stranger.
[chuckles.]
I can't stand her! Mami, she's fine.
But who is she trying to fool with that sexy laugh? Ay, paquete! The whole situation is very, very fishy.
Well, he's marrying his rebound, so [scoffs.]
And you have had more rebounds.
As I heard it on the SportsCenter, whoever has the most rebounds wins.
And now, you have Mateo.
Right! That guy.
He is so sweet.
He's been texting me all morning.
I gotta text him back.
I don't know.
Something is off with Victor.
- It's too quick.
- Hmm.
I am going to keep an eye on him and his new bae.
I will be on bae watch.
Okay.
But let's not get all worked up about Nicole and Victor.
They're going on with their lives, and we should go on with ours.
I'm so freaking mad! I'm the one that turned that mess into that sexy hyena's dream man.
I get that you're upset, Penelope, but I think the group is having a hard time following you.
Her ex got his crap together, and now, he's engaged to a woman named Nicole.
Keep up, Pam.
- [sighs.]
- So, he went from a Penny to a Nicole? [all laughing.]
- That's funny.
- Shut up! This sucks! Why do you think this is so activating? Is there a part of you that imagined you and Victor would get back together? Hell no, Pam.
[sighs.]
It's like this.
Let's say you took in a stray dog.
You fed him, bathed him, busted your butt to get him healthy.
Then that dog up and ran away.
A few years later, you're watching a dog show, and guess who won the blue ribbon? That damn mutt you saved! You trained that dog.
You deserve that ribbon, and that dog should die alone.
I'm not sure that's the healthiest response.
You should have had him neutered.
- Exactly.
- Yes.
I know a shady vet.
Want me to hook it up? - Ramona.
- [scoffs.]
It's not fair! You know, he's moving on, and I've got no one.
What about Mateo? Right, that guy.
I gotta text him back.
It's clear that this encounter has triggered some insecurities.
I recommend some quiet time alone so that you can really process these feelings.
I'm getting over this tonight! [all.]
Whoo! As the front-runner for best man, I got you a little something for your dad-chelor party.
Bam! "V.
A.
G"? Victor Alvarez Guapisimo.
Yeah, I'm not wearing a hat that says vag.
I'll wear it.
[cawing.]
Lydia, what are you doing here? I need you to invite me to the party so I can spy on Victor.
I think I think he's drinking again.
What? No, that's crazy.
He's sober.
He wouldn't drink.
No, I don't think he's sober anymore.
When he drinks, he's impulsive and irrational, and that is why he is rushing into a marriage with dollar-store Lupita.
Come on.
Victor's sober.
Sure, he's had his hard days.
I know that better than anybody.
But he's committed.
He has too much to lose.
I'm just worried about the children.
I don't want to see them hurt again.
Y por eso, I must watch his every move.
But what if he sneaks off to the bar? I recruited a spy.
Oh, hi.
Wow! I barely recognized you, Dr.
B.
Don't say my name.
Tonight, I am undercover.
Another mudslide, Mr.
Iglesias? Si, señor.
And keep them coming.
- [sighs.]
- Look who I found.
[laughs.]
She's my plus-one.
Hope that's okay.
Yeah, sure.
Wouldn't be a dad-chelor party without my ex-wife's mother.
What are you wearing? [gasps.]
"VAG"? Oh! Victor Alvarez Guapisimo.
I want one.
Seriously? A special ed teacher? The one thing you can't make fun of? She did that on purpose.
Another round, ladies? - Sorry.
Our Uber's here.
- Ugh! Bye.
- [whines.]
- [Jill.]
I'm out too.
The last time I had this many shots, I slept with my weed delivery guy.
[laughs.]
So, later, locas.
I'm staying.
Oh, yes! Ramona, my ride or die! Hey, have a seat.
Two more, please.
[Penelope.]
You know, maybe Pam was onto something.
Like, maybe III am hung up on this because I'm insecure about where I'm at in my life.
But you got no reason to be, though.
You're raising two smart kids.
You got a boyfriend blowing up your phone.
- Right, that guy! I gotta text him back.
- [Ramona.]
Yeah.
You're about to be a nurse practitioner.
And your body is tight! I'm telling you, lady, if you were gay, and my knees weren't arthritic I would get down there Whoa! What? Propose to you.
Ew! Get your mind out of the gutter! But how drunk are you? [both laughing.]
Seriously, Penny, forget Nickel.
You are the baddest bitch in here.
It's my bachelorette party, and I'm the baddest bitch in here! [all.]
Whoo! I know that this is all happening really quick, so I wanted to talk to you guys.
Oh, yes, tell us.
Yeah, let's crack that egg open and get right to the yolk.
[sighs.]
Uh, well I was thinking it would be, uh, just me and the kids, but, umokay.
[laughs.]
Uh Well, I know this seems fast, but Nicole is a really great person, and I would love it if you guys would get to know her.
So I hope you can spend some time with us this week.
Papi, before I answer, I need to know something.
Does your hotel have a pool? [sighs, chuckles.]
Yes.
Then I'm in.
So[chuckles.]
Nicole is from Portland, huh? I hear they have a huge LGBTQ+ community.
Oh, yeah, they have a parade, like, every week.
[scoffs.]
Oh, is that a bad thing? No.
No.
I I mean, when I'm trying to get to work, it is, but, uh, well, that would be true of aof a straight parade.
[stammers.]
I'm anti-parade.
Yeah.
[clears throat.]
Anyway, Nicole's sister, Mia, she goes to them all the time.
Oh, so, you're cool with her.
Did you go to her quinces? Why don't you use this awkward moment to refresh my rum and Coke? It is weaker than a woman who claims that childbirth is painful.
Okay.
What a gentleman, huh? I gotta go to the bathroom.
If there's gonna be a big, dramatic scene, wait till I get back.
Of course.
I can't flip this table by myself.
Uh, can we make this rum and Coke fit for a Cuban grandma? No Coke.
Good order.
I also like a rum and Coke-caine.
Excuse me? Oh, I was just saying how much I enjoy the occasional soda, especiallywith a little happy juice.
- UhHey.
- Oh! Cheers.
- Oh.
Okay.
Uh - [laughs.]
Thank you.
Thanks.
Uh, but this isn't my drink.
Oh, come on.
It's not like I'm some honey trap.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you okay? You're looking a little, uh, unsteady there, buddy.
Says the guy with three heads.
Wow.
You know, I've been there.
Listen, ifif you ever want to quit, give me a call.
I'll save a seat for you.
Yeah.
Uh, can we call a cab for this guy? Just add it to my bill.
Bless your heart.
[all cheering.]
You know what me and her ending up at the same bar is? A beatdown waiting to happen.
I know a lawyer who can make it look like she started it.
- Want me to hook it up? - No! It's a sign.
I need to tell Nicole the truth about the man she's gonna marry.
Yeah, I don't think Hey, girl.
Penelope.
Uh, everyone, this is Victor's ex-wife.
[all.]
Oh! I know.
I told you, right? She's gorgeous.
Penelope, sit.
Be a unicorn with me.
- [slurring.]
Right, but we do need to talk.
- Yes, yes.
Yeah.
Before you say anything, can I just say thank you? For what? For being an amazing woman who pushed Victor to be the man he is today.
He told me every horrible thing he put your through when he was at his lowest, and the fact that you had the strength to leave him so that he could realize that he needed to get help, and how you managed to salvage the relationship between him and your kids.
[sighs.]
Girl! [laughing.]
Anyway, that's all I wanted to say.
I'm sorry for interrupting.
What did you want to tell me? [all cheering.]
You're so beautiful.
You're so beautiful.
[in unison.]
We're so beautiful! [both laughing.]
[both sigh.]
[sniffling.]
I came here tonight to get drunk and forget about you and Victor.
And it's not because I'm not over him.
I am.
I cried for months until I had no tears left.
But I became whole again.
And I love the life I've built as a single mom.
But selfishly, I want him to be miserable.
And I totally get that.
If it's any comfort, he was miserable for a really long time.
[scoffs.]
Till he became Mr.
Perfect.
[laughs.]
Oh! Victor's not perfect.
But I love him.
He makes me laugh.
He makes me feel safe.
When I think about something bad happening to him I get so upset.
[laughs.]
I just can't picture my life without him.
I mean, it's inevitable.
Women live longer.
I'll bounce back.
[sighs.]
I'm sorry.
[laughs.]
This isn't helping you feel better, is it? No.
But I know what you mean.
You're marrying the love of your life, and that's really special.
Victor tells me that you are dating a really sweet guy, Mateo.
Right.
That guy.
[laughs.]
I gotta text him back.
- Did I miss anything? - We were talking about the wedding.
I'm available.
Unless it's at the end of September.
Early spring's no good either.
Oh, and I'd love to keep my summer open.
Why don't I just send you some dates? Alex, Elena? Can I count on you two being there? Papi, I'll come to all of your weddings if you come to all of mine.
Oh, my God.
Wellgreat.
[chuckles.]
Elena? I want to lay down some ground rules.
I'm not gonna hide the fact that I'm gay.
Okay.
And I'm definitely going to wear my white suit.
No.
No, absolutely not.
I knew it.
This is all a show, but you are never gonna be okay with who I am.
Elena, you can't wear the white suit because you need to wear a tuxedo.
What? I want you and Alex to be my best man and my best woman.
Best people.
I mean, if Elena's cool with it.
I mean, you really want me to be your best woman? II would love that.
Yes.
[chuckles.]
This is so sweet.
Nepotism.
Victor, what a lovely gesture! Thank you.
Thank you, Lydia.
I'm really happy with my life now.
Turns out this whole not drinking thing is good for me.
I never doubted you.
Feeling horny? Oh! [laughs.]
I'm sorry I was ignoring your texts.
That's okay.
I wanted to talk to you about something, not necessarily while you smell of tequila returning from Therapy.
No, but Now.
Let's talk now, yeah? Okay.
Well, what I wanted to say is I started talking to my ex-wife again, and we decided to give it another shot.
Oh.
Oh, man! I know.
No, it's because I was coming over to break up with you.
What? See, it's like this, Mateo.
When I think about something bad happening to you, II don't get upset.
In fact, I don't even care.
Wow.
Sick burn! IThat's not how I meant it.
[sighs.]
I think you're great.
And I care about you.
But what we havehad It's nice, but it's not Yeah.
Anyway, I'm glad that we're both on the same page.
This is good.
I know it might be weird at first but eventually, do you think we could be friends again? Of course.
On one condition.
What's that? If anyone at school asks, I dumped you.
[laughs.]
[both laugh.]
[announcer talking on TV.]
- Oh.
- [TV turns off.]
Hey, how was it? Great.
I'm gonna be the best man, and Elena's gonna be the best woman at Papi's wedding.
I'm gonna rock a tux like Diddy at the Met Gala.
Ooh! And I'm gonna rock my tux like Jacques Dubochet.
He won a Nobel Prize for chemistry.
Hello! [laughing.]
Okay, that's great.
Mami, Dr.
Berkowitz called for you.
Oh, right, that guy.
[chuckles.]
I gotta text him back.
So, I guess things went well.
They did.
It was nice to have some quality time with the kids and your mother - and your landlord.
- Oh.
[chuckles.]
Not that you need it, but I totally approve of Nicole.
You really pulled your life together.
I'm happy for you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That really means a lot to me.
Listen, I don't know exactly how to say this, so I'll just say it.
I don't want Schneider around the kids anymore.
What? Why not? He's drinking again.
And who knows what else? No.
No, no way! No, he's eight years sober.
He went to the bathroom four times, and he smelled like mouthwash.
I know all the tricks.
Look, I know he's your friend, but this is about the kids.
Look into it.
I'm really sorry.
[door closes.]
[theme music playing.]