Paradise PD (2018) s03e11 Episode Script

1
I'm Kurt Connors.
Mayor Crawford's
Rebuild Paradise Initiative
was already a total failure,
and now the crumbling town
has been invaded by packs of coyotes.
One of them coyotes dragged my wife off,
killed her, ate her,
put on her dress, and impersonated her.
Well, did you alert the authorities?
Hell, no. It was the best sex I ever had.
Mm-hmm.
Dragging off and impersonating humans.
This coyote problem
is worse than we thought, Kurt.
Actually, I think it's fake news.
This is Kurt Coyote signing off.
I can't believe that.
Huh, if you followed Earl on TikTok,
you could.
Ooh, Karen, they flipped the switch!
Damn it, Randall, focus!
I've got to figure out how to raise
a shit-ton of money to fix this town!
Hey, guys.
Oh! Uh! Just remembered,
stupid workplace regulations.
I'm required by law to declare
that I'm dating a co-worker.
It's Gina! I'm I'm dating Gina!
I know. I know, right?
Kevin! Kevin!
Okay, if those are the regulations
Listen up, everybody!
Last night I blew a guy who works here.
Me!
These soft bones sure come in handy.
Well, one of 'em wasn't soft.
And it didn't come in handy.
It came in mouthy.
Congratulations, Hopson!
You finally blew yourself.
See? I told you!
Wait, why isn't anyone congratulating me?
I'm telling the truth.
Gina and I have a date this afternoon.
Bullshit!
Karen, if you want to raise money,
open a casino!
I mean, or we could put on a play of uh
Nah, that'll be a real stupid episode.
Open a casino!
A casino?
What a great idea!
May I remind you two that gambling
happens to be illegal in Paradise?
But I know a place
where there are no laws.
I need to build a casino on Twatemala,
and I am willing to share the profits.
We need the money, Robby.
I'm tired of living off alligator milk.
Uh, Delbert, William's a boy alligator.
He's a man now.
So what do you say? 5% of the profits?
We ain't paying you 5%.
We're doing this shit for free.
You dumb fucks I mean, aw, shucks!
You drive a hard bargain.
- Let's do it before the coyotes take over.
- That work for you, Delbert?
Uh, Karen, did you notice
Now, what was I saying? Oh yeah.
That's what I was saying.
I made something for you.
You know, the truth is,
I've never actually dated a guy before.
Me neither. I mean, just a little
mutual masturbation at soccer camp,
but Coach Russo's in jail now.
Anyway, maybe you and I
could take it to the next level?
You know, like holding hands?
Oh! Uh!
I gotta go.
She seems to like me so much.
Why can't we get physical?
God, this is the worst pain
any guy's ever been in.
I truly do feel bad for you.
Now, I'm just gonna roll up my penis.
I'll be on my way.
Welcome to the Twat Nugget Casino,
home of the world's biggest twat nugget,
Johnny Depp.
I needed the work.
Okay, so everyone's got an assignment.
Cigars!
Cigarettes!
Cock!
Why, I haven't had a cigar in quite
Oh my God! No!
What the fuck, Dusty?
You ate all the food at the buffet?
What? But I mean
It wasn't me!
Ooh! It must've been the Buffet Bandit!
Don't worry.
- I'll protect the chocolate fountain.
- Dusty, you
The Buffet Bandit strikes again!
What's wrong, Gina? I haven't seen
a white woman frown like that
since every time I get on an elevator.
I really hate living in the South.
Oh, Fitz,
I I think I'm falling for Kevin.
But I'm only physically attracted
to sexy fat guys
because of this bullet lodged in my brain.
Well, I never thought
I'd be attracted to a dolphin,
but she turned out to be
the love of my life.
Next thing I know,
an octopus went up my ass.
I really hate living in the South.
So, what you're saying
is I should just go for it
and listen to my heart and not my brain?
Yeah. You think Woody Allen
would've banged a girl
he met when she was nine years old
if he listened to his brain?
Right! And they lived happily ever after
as wife and dad-husband.
Somebody say "dad-husband"?
Whoo! I really love living in the South!
Scram!
Fitz, we need to talk.
Remember that zany prop comic
who showed up named Beans Stinkwater,
and how you two were never seen together?
I mean
Well, Karen put me
in charge of the showroom,
and guess who I booked
as tonight's headliner?
Beans Stinkwater!
Oh, Beans is the best.
The way he throws confetti and sings,
Buffalo gals
Won't you come out tonight? ♪
He's like a white Justin Bieber.
Yoo-da-doop-bap-bodda-dee-dee-ba-doop
Doo-doop-ba-doop-be-dee-doop-ba-dup ♪
Karen, how the hell
did Chief book Beans Stinkwater?
Probably on my website,
Book-Beans-Stinkwater-He's-Not-Fitz.com.
Looks like he bought some merch too.
Doo-doo-ba-doop-be-dee-doop-ba-dup ♪
Look, Karen. I can't go on stage.
There are motherfucking mutants
who wanna kill me!
Too bad. The show is sold out.
You're on at 7:45, and then Carlos Mencia
will come on and do your act verbatim.
Oh, this is bullshit!
I lost ten hands in a row. I am done
right after I win these next ten hands!
Ha ha
What?
Tsk, tsk, Bullet.
Gambling is sinful.
My daddy was a gambler
who hit rock bottom,
bare-backed a gutter trash ho-bag,
and spent the rest of his days
bitching about some fat turd baby
who ruined his life, named
I don't know, Rusty or Dusto or something.
I'm taking your chips away from you.
You touch those chips,
and I will kick your ass.
Oh yeah? Well, then hit me.
Come on. Hit me.
Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.
Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.
Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.
Twenty-one! Winner.
Holy shit!
Dusty is the luckiest man on earth!
Stop him!
It is the Buffet Bandit!
Holy shit. I thought I made that up.
Kevin, come to room 311.
There is a fire.
I'm on my way.
Wh-Where's the fire?
In my pants.
Oh my God!
Kevin, wait!
I meant, like,
I'm on fire with desire for you.
Oh, sorry.
Lost my Aunt Edna in a vagina fire.
Lube is really important as you get older.
It's okay. It's okay.
I booked this room for the two of us.
I think I'm finally ready to, you know,
get physical.
Let's fuck
Oh, that's it!
I am getting this fucking bullet removed!
I'm afraid the procedure
to remove this bullet
only has a 2% chance of survival.
Ten percent if I'm sober,
but trust me, I won't be.
Gina, it's too risky.
Even if this means we can't be together.
There's gotta be something else we can do?
Well, there are some
more homeopathic options.
He could jack off in front of you
while you vomit, Louis CK-style.
Or make love to you while you vomit,
Melania-style.
Or you can stick your toes up his ass
while you vomit, Dr. Funtlichter-style.
- Or
- Fuck that!
We'll find a way to make this work.
Come on, Kevin.
Oh, don't worry, ma'am.
This is a routine procedure
with a 99% chance of survival.
Now, stick your toes up my ass and vomit.
Beans! Beans! Beans!
Ooh! Look at me, pretending I'm white,
like I'm Justin Bieber or some shit.
Beans Stinkwater!
That's me!
Sing the song for me, Beans.
I need this. I need it bad.
Oh! Buffalo gals
Won't you come out tonight ♪
Come out tonight, come out tonight? ♪
Yes! Yes! I must be a Buffalo gal,
'cause I'm ready to come out tonight!
Uh say what?
Anyways, the theater's full
of violent, drunk hillbillies.
But as long as you deliver
the 60 laughs a minute
as promised on your website,
you'll be just fine.
Uh, what am I gonna do? I'm not funny.
Neither was I.
Oh! Prop Cop?
I thought you were dead!
Oh, but I am.
I met my end.
My ticket got punched!
Hoo! I bought the farm!
Whoo! I've crossed the Jordan!
Wee-ooh!
Oh, I could never be a master
of prop comedy like you.
But you will.
Because I am here
to teach you the ways of prop comedy.
Prop comedy surrounds us.
Hoo! It penetrates us.
Ooh! It's everywhere.
Look around and think of the stupidest,
hackiest pun that comes to mind.
The dumber, the better!
Now, do you think you can do this?
Yes!
I fucking can! ♪
Dusty!
Hey, I know you don't approve of gambling,
but you're so lucky.
Could could you just place
one teeny-weeny bet
for your ol' scumbag pal
with addiction issues?
Abso-fartly not! I told you, it's sinful.
Okay, but that nice robot
dropped a quarter.
Will you give it back to him?
Well, of course, certainly I will.
Here you go, Mr. Robot Man.
Well, holy shit.
I gave this sumbitch a quarter,
and he comes all over my shoes?
I'll I'll do it for a nickel.
You're telling me this is a new restaurant
called The Sports Book?
Yeah.
Order anything you want off this menu.
Okay, I'm gonna have the Miami Dolphin
with a side of Seattle Seahawk.
Ooh, my!
The Pittsburgh Penguin
sounds A-B-C-Delicious!
Six-point spread?
I don't need that.
I brought my own spread.
Just put it all on what he said.
Ooh! I'm excited!
The last time I ate like this,
I got banned from the zoo.
Did you find a fat person
to look at while we have sex?
No, I thought it'd be weird to have
another person in the room,
so I grabbed this standee
of a chubster instead.
Uh, oh, great. Heh.
What kind of man would I be
if I couldn't have sex
with my mom staring at me?
Great. Get to it then.
Okay, Kevin, you can do this.
Welcome to the Twat Nugget Casino!
Get lucky while I watch!
Ahh!
- Why is it talking?
- I think it's motion activated.
Poker! Poker! Poker!
Shut up!
Everybody, come in my mouth
watering buffet!
Come in my mouth
Come in my mouth Come in my mouth
- That's it! That is it!
- Wait. Who said that?
I'm Kevin's penis, and I've been through
some really gross stuff,
but this is the line!
I'll be retracting into his abdomen
until further notice.
Fuck off!
All right. Luck be a lardy tonight, huh?
Where's Dusty?
Dusty, what are you doing?
I thought you said gambling was sinful.
It ain't gambling if I never lose, is it?
And I figured out what you was doin'!
You was trickin' me into gambling for you!
Kindly get your fuzzy fuckin' ass
outta here, because I am winnin' for me.
Round here they call me a whale.
- Round everywhere they call you a whale.
- Oh! All right, that's it!
Hey, you, lard-ass!
I'll give you $5,000 cash
to stick this doggy between your titties
and do the Truffle Shuffle.
Oh God, stop!
Oh, it smells like water damage!
Thanks, Russell Crowe!
Arrest that man!
Russell Crowe is the Buffet Bandit!
Thanks, Karen. Dusty's a goddamn maniac!
That asshole's up
like a half a million bucks.
What? If he cashes out,
the casino will go bankrupt.
We've gotta make him lose!
I was hoping you'd break his fingers
or bury him in the desert,
but we could do the lose thing,
that's fine.
Oh no! Russell Crowe's gotten loose!
Beans! Beans! Beans!
Please welcome
the greatest performer
in the history of mankind
Beans Stinkwater!
Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight
Come out tonight, come out tonight? ♪
Buffalo gals
Won't you come out tonight ♪
And we'll dance
by the light of the moon! ♪
Hey, y'all! Check out my new iPhone!
Oh, you're gonna love my iPad!
Look
I'm cock-eyed!
We got any Latino people in the audience?
Eye-eye-eye!
But I'm no racist.
My best friend is a China-man!
Chief! A mutant tried to kill me!
Did you see him?
He looked like his face was melting off.
Hey, relax, Bean-o.
You've still got the second show to do.
Besides,
the mutants are only trying to kill Fitz,
who deserves it, by the way.
Chief, I am Fitz!
Wow!
Now that is a really offensive imitation
of my African-American friend Fitz.
Hey, stick to prop comedy, Beans, huh?
Huh. That coyote
does a better Fitz impression.
We joke about coyotes dressing like humans
and taking over society, but it's no joke.
We're coming for you, motherfuckers.
Dusty?
It's me. I drugged Dusty's food
so I could wear him like a fat suit
while we pork, huh? Huh?
Jesus, Kevin!
That is so romantic! Take me.
Oh, they have that movie
where that twat nugget Johnny Depp
was a highly offensive Indian.
I love that.
Room 211 is clean. Who gives a goddamn?
Are you sure this will make Dusty lose?
Trust me.
There is no way this horse can win.
And I gave it a name
that guarantees Dusty'll bet on it.
Put everything on Deep Fried
Chili Nutella Fries À La Mode to win!
Goop!
Okay, fellas. We ready to lose this race?
Yeah, but next time I wanna be the front.
Well, that's fine with me.
I like smelling your ass.
And the winner by default is
Deep Fried Chili Nutella Fries À La Mode!
What the fuck happened?
Uh it might be because we did
a little pregaming in the stable.
- I can smell my heart.
- Yeah, that's normal, man.
Thanks for making me all that money,
Deep Fried Chili Nutella Fries À La Mode.
You are one special horse.
Yes, I am. But I gotta know,
how you so damn lucky, Dusty?
Well, Mr. Talking Horsey,
I've got a secret.
It's my lucky underwear.
I never take 'em off.
Oh, I get it.
They're lucky 'cause they're green.
They were white when I bought 'em.
Yeah, I'm regrettin'
gettin' in here with you.
Man, I've been in here so long,
my hooves are starting to get prune-y.
Ain't that right, Delbert?
Oh shit! Delbert!
Okay, it's gonna take both of us
to strip the magic drawers
off this high-rollin' hippo.
I feel like my sponsor predicted this.
- Come on.
- Almost there.
Ahh!
Hello? Hey, Gordon!
I was just talking about you.
Remember when you said I'd end up
stripping the shit-kicked underwear
off a fat guy if I kept gambling?
Well, yeah, I'll be damned.
I owe you a hundred bucks!
You little asshole!
Hey, look! You loosened 'em up!
Oh, thank God.
Now, let's burn those evil undies
before they fall into the wrong hands!
They already have.
Double-cross!
Sorry, Karen, I gotta steal
these magic undies and win my money back.
Scumbags gonna scumbag! You know, dawg.
Bullet! You six-nippled son of a bitch!
What the hell are you doing?
CPR. I've been giving him
mouth-to-dick for two hours.
Don't tell him I ain't dead.
Don't tell him I know he ain't dead.
Beans, you're supposed to be on stage.
Chief, you saw the last show.
Some melted-face mutant tried to kill me!
All I saw was the greatest
comedic performance I've ever seen.
And once,
Carlos Mencia came all over my shoes.
Ra-ha! What? That's my bit!
Now get on that stage!
Okay, you got me.
Do your worst, you mutant motherfucker!
Mutant?
Carrot Top?
That's right, Beans Stinkwater.
It's me,
the greatest prop comic of all time.
And I murder anyone
who dares to challenge my throne!
Wh Uh, but I am not a prop comic!
Bullshit! I saw your show.
It was brilliant!
Especially that "eye-eye-eye" bit.
Transcendent.
Seriously, very smart comedy.
However, there can only be
one great prop comic,
me.
Okay, but what about Gallagher?
You know, the Sledge-O-Matic guy
with a giant hammer
that smashes watermelons?
He's a prop comic too.
You fool!
I am Gallagher!
You thought that was a human face?
I created the Carrot Top persona
when my ticket sales started to fade
once people realized my act sucked,
mid-'90s.
Now, I eliminate any threat
to my prop comedy empire,
which is why you,
Beans Stinkwater, must die.
Fitz, use the force d comedy.
I think it's you who must
die.
- Woo-woo-woo-woo!
- Ooh!
You dare challenge me to a prop-off?
Well, let's see how you like my head-lock!
Whoa!
That's nothing compared to my karate chop!
Ska-ba-da-bow!
See if you like the taste of my L-bow!
Damn it!
This is the first time
my act wasn't painful.
Like my half Nelson?
Apartheid!
I'm tired of toying with you.
Meet Sledge-O-Matic!
Please welcome to the stage
Beans Stinkwater and
Holy shit! Special guest Gallagher?
There can only be one.
Ah!
I am worthy!
No! You wield the Sledge-O-Matic.
It is the prop-phecy!
Check out this comedy routine
I just made up.
You know, this is the first time
I ever enjoyed the Mind of Mencia.
Remember that show? Anybody? No?
Yeah!
One fucking guy. Okay.
Where are you,
you ass-sniffing fuck-hound?
I'm right here, baby.
Not you, Camaro Bob!
Copy that. Fuck you later, baby.
Must make it to table.
There you are, you fuckin' brief thief!
Gimme back my lucky drawers
before they kill your little ass!
It's time for me to cash out.
Excuse me, Dusty?
High rollers cash out over here.
Your grand total is 8.3 million in chips,
which means you can cash out
for any of these
Chuck E. Cheese-type prizes. Okay?
You must think I'm a stupid-ass fuck
if you
Is that a My Little Pony
scented Pinkie Pie eraser?
I want the eraser!
Gimme! Gimme! I wanna smell!
Goop!
Strawberry!
"Do not eat."
Fuck off.
Kevin, I'm so sorry we couldn't have sex.
I really care about you.
Hey, we we tried everything we could.
You know, Gina, maybe you
and I are supposed to just be friends.
Gina, are you sure about this?
I don't care about the risks.
Take that bullet out.
We're losing her!
The procedure's not working!