Portlandia (2011) s03e11 Episode Script

Previously on Portlandia I don't know what's going on.
Who knows what it is.
But we're, like, hanging out a little bit.
I just was gonna tell you that Alexandra and I were hanging out.
Can't believe we're dating the same person.
Are you breaking up with me? You're too good for me.
Alexandra's a mess.
Well, also you're dating her.
It's, like, insane fun.
I lost my girlfriend.
I lost my best friend.
I'm moving out.
Open up a B and B.
A little Bed and Breakfast.
You have your certificate.
Mr.
Mayor, you have been singled out as the number one electricity hog in the city.
I am left with no choice but to step down as your mayor.
So the city's good? It's doing all right? Yeah, but we miss you, though.
You gotta come back.
Well, who is running the city right now? Hello, you've reached the mayor's office of the city of Portland Oregon.
The mayor is out indefinitely.
And the interim mayor didn't work out.
So leave a message.
Thank you.
Hello, this is Oregon Power.
This is your third and final warning.
Please give us a call at your earliest convenience so that we may schedule a payment over the phone.
Thank you and have a great day.
Soak up the night 'cause it just might What is up with those cats? Another neighborhood dog has gone missing, and city officials are advising residents God, dogs are going crazy, huh? Maybe it's something in the water.
Oh, yeah.
Some experts are saying this could be related to the ability of animals to detect impending natural disasters.
Okay, we're gonna delete that.
We only have 18% of space.
- Okay - I can delete that.
- That's weird.
Kath? - Yeah, Dave.
Look at the fish.
He's swimming around so crazy.
Like, really fast.
I've never seen him do that.
Yeah, that's odd.
But it's, like, perfect little circles.
What? That's crazy.
Did he throw that? Did you do this? Is this, like, a prank? Dave-- it's a strong fish, I guess.
All right, nighttime activities at the B and B have officially begun.
We've got the tunes on.
Hi, hon.
Hi, Nance.
I'm a little freaked out.
What's going on? I was outside, and these bats just dropped off all these caterpillars, and they started spelling things out, and That's impossible.
I'm not-- I just saw it.
I just need you to calm down.
Is everyone having a good time? Anyone need a wine refill? I saw a cat barking.
- No, you-- - Nance, it looked at me and said it was gonna bark, and then it barked.
- Hon - I'm not crazy.
You're not crazy, but that sounds like a pretty crazy story.
Cookies? Leave a message.
Thank you.
We regret to inform you that after three unsuccessful attempts to reach you, we have no choice but to discontinue your service.
Have a great day.
Whoa.
Blackout.
Okay, everyone, just calm down.
You know what? Should I go check the fuse box? Hold on.
Just a little alert to you guys, too, I'm discovering now that I've got a fear of the dark.
Is the house on-- on fire? No, it's not.
Um-- I'm imagining suffocating.
I-- I-- I-- I-- I! I knew it.
He was trying to tell us - that the lights were gonna go out.
- Ah, yeah.
Everything's out.
Even next door.
- What happened? - I'm gonna text Carrie, make sure she's all right.
Whoooo.
_ _ _ Um, I'm gonna go check something out.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- All right.
Bye, I guess.
Okay, everyone, now we've created a panic parlor.
I know we're all feeling a lot of stress right now.
We're all gonna be here in the same room, so in case we hear any reports, anything, any-- eh-- eh-- eh-- announcements, we come in here and we just report to each other, okay? I'm having some anxiety, but don't worry about me.
This is about you.
You're the guests.
And it's a time to get to know each other.
What are your hobbies? What are your hobbies? What are your hobbies? What are your hobbies? What are your hobbies? Do you guys like anything? And the main thing you have to do is relax.
Relax? That's the worst thing you could ever do in a blackout.
Did you check him in? Is this guy with you? My name is Birdman.
I checked in.
Birdman.
B-I-R-D-M-A-N.
I signed-- "Birdman," it was one word, "Birdman.
" Was I there? Where I come from, when the world gives you the finger, yeah, what I do is I go on a walkabout.
A what? A walkabout.
Oh.
We need to walk, hon.
Yeah.
Walk around.
It's a walkabout.
Not walking around.
There's no civilization.
It's all shut down.
Everything's powered down.
I this this happened for a reason.
I think mother nature wants you to get to know her a little better.
- Mr.
Birdman, I think-- - Birdman.
- Birdman.
- Birdman.
Is it "Bird"? --man.
If you don't feel like walking, you don't have to.
You guys want to live? Yeah, all right! We're gonna go on a walkabout! It's going to be great! If anyone has any hesitations-- We leave at first light! And I'm gonna need a room-- a suite, with a bathroom, big bathroom for two people.
But it's just gonna be me.
So you didn't check in, did you? No, no.
I lied.
- Hello? - Who is that? - Who's that? - Who is that? - Hello? - Who is that? - Fred? - Carrie? - Hi.
- Hi - What are you doing here? - Things are good? Yeah.
I'm fine.
Just looking at you.
Are you doing all right? Yeah.
Uh, how's Alexandra? Things are, yeah, they're working out.
But uh, I guess-- - good to see you.
- Fred-- okay, look-- look at this.
Oregon Power company shut off the electricity.
That's why we're in a blackout.
There's all these overdue notices.
Oh, no.
There's so many! Of course the power got shut off.
I mean, Portland's been mayorless, and it starts with the electricity and then it's the water, and all of a sudden there's flooding and we could descend into chaos.
Stop interrogating me! Stop interrogating me! I'm going to get the mayor.
I know things aren't ideal between us right now, but we have to work together, okay? - I'm gonna get the mayor-- - I'm coming with you.
You're gonna go get him, I'm gonna go get him.
- Fine.
- Okay.
For Portland.
- All right.
- Let's go, now.
Let's do this.
Toni, did you find a flashlight? There's not one in here anywhere.
I found it.
I found a flashlight.
It's so harsh! You okay? I'm just stressed.
I don't want to get looted.
You know what? Let's just light some candles and we'll just relax.
Okay, Toni, that's all the candles.
Wow! With these candles, you look great.
Thanks, Candace.
Whoa, your skin looks like porcelain-- Doesn't it always? Anyway, I guess we'll stay here until the lights come back on.
We can drink milk and journal.
I'm just gonna freak out.
Royce started dating a woman from the Department of Fish and Wildlife.
She's been described as Frankensteinesque.
It's like the only blackout I've ever been in in Portland.
- Tonya's freaking out.
- Oh, she is.
Oh.
Tonya? - She's right here.
- Tonya.
Tonya, I know you're freaked out.
- I'll come home, okay? - Don't-- I can see your teeth.
God, they are bright as hell.
I love it.
Can you put your mouth over here? I just want to see these expiration dates.
Can you just kind of hold it up to her teeth? - It's still good.
- Oh, yeah, no, that's fine.
Are we prepared? Yeah, Dave, we're very, very prepared.
We were smart to get that generator.
Makes us feel like we're surviving.
- Yeah.
- Remember what they said at the survival store? How much money did we spend in there? $6,000? $7,000? - $8,000? - This is what we've been waiting for.
- Yeah.
- We're gonna make it.
- We might be the only ones.
- This'll be our town.
We're like the new king and queen.
King Kath.
And Queen-- well, I don't know if I'm gonna be Queen Dave, but, yeah, I'll be Queen Dave.
Yeah, you will be.
We have to be prepared for anything, what if the government falls? What if there's no leadership? It's complete anarchy.
Day 93.
It's freezing.
Wonder how many people are dead already? We're gonna have to get used to seeing dead bodies everywhere, okay? - I'm a corpse.
- Okay.
- I'm a corpse.
- Okay.
I'm dead.
- I'm not freaking out.
- It's a body! Don't freak out! Do you realize we have to rebuild the human race? We have to procreate.
We're the only two people on Earth.
Are you cocked and loaded when the world needs you, Dave? I'm cocked! I'm cocked! I'm cocked! I'm cocked! Well then prove it.
Prove it! - Mr.
Mayor! - Mr.
Mayor! - Mr.
Mayor! - Mr.
Mayor! - What about-- - Whoa.
I've moved to the trail at the end of the road.
How are we gonna get out there? Uh, we could drive that.
- What is this place? - What is this? Easy.
We come in peace.
Is this where the mayor is? Normal-looking gentleman.
What is this? Hi.
We're looking for the mayor.
- Do you speak English? - Do you guys live here? Look.
Right there.
That's him? - Mr.
Mayor.
- Hi.
It's Carrie and Fred.
- You okay? - Oh, jeez.
Ow! Sir? Are you in good health? Are you being held hostage? Does he recognize us? Sir, there's been a blackout in Portland.
No technology, no nothing.
We're one with nature.
We're one with-- What the hell is that? Follow me! This is where we're gonna camp out.
Camp out? Aren't we going for a walk? No, no, no.
A walkabout.
- Walk-- - Walk-- - About.
- No, no, no.
It's not two words.
One word.
- Mr.
Bitterman, I don't know what-- - It's Birdman.
- Bitterman.
- No, it's Birdman, mate.
What am I saying? You're saying "Bitterman.
" - No.
I-- - It's "Birdman.
" What is a Robin? It's a, you know, a flying little bitter.
What is a Blue Jay? You know, it's kind of a bird.
Right, hey you said it.
All right.
- Now, put "man" on it.
- Bird-- - Birderman.
- Say it! Do you have something special he can call you? Name a person's name that you can pronounce.
Charlie.
I'll be Charlie for you.
What's my name? Say it, Peter.
Heh-- Char-- Harch-- No.
Okay! Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna call myself Peter.
What's my name? Peter, what's your name? - Teener.
- What is your name, mate? - Am I not saying it? - Peter! I can say it! What's your name? - Teener.
- No! Okay! Tell me-- name all The Beatles.
- There's Tol-- - Oh.
- Gehrig.
- Gehrig? Well, we're-- we're gonna-- no offense, Mr.
Bitterman, we have a Bed and Breakfast.
We've got the house, guys.
Who wants to stay with me? Raise hands.
Who wants to go to the B and B? I-- See? No takers, mate! We camp here tonight! Yeah! It's delicious.
Thank you, whoever made this.
Wow.
You're a really bad liar.
Anyway, well, we've been here for quite a few hours, and, you know, maybe we should discuss a little.
Where are you from? What? Are you assassins? - No.
- No.
We're good people.
And we come in peace and we'd like you to come back to Portland.
What is a Portland? - I can't talk like this.
- You, um, maybe-- You make me laugh, man with glass windows on his face.
Are you out there? I'm not afraid to shoot.
How's it going? I'm getting trigger happy out here.
I'm ready.
I will die! I'll die for us.
I'll lay down my body! If a plane flies overhead, like say, this way, just-- whoa! Now if everything goes right, your spirit animal should be entering you right now.
All right.
It is not a spirit animal.
That is an arrow.
And, uh, losing feeling in my legs.
Yeah? Wait, wait.
Is anyone a doctor? Anybody? Like, this guy's shrugging at me.
Is it that you're a doctor, but there's nothing more that can be done? - You want me to-- - No! Just don't touch it! Now look, my work here is done.
Let me tell you something.
Oh! Birdman! Like, like, you know, a bird man.
Peter and I are going back to the B and B.
Who's coming with us? All right, well, let's go.
Sir, the town where we come from is in darkness.
And it is making us so weak, that the neighboring city might take it over.
Under the cover of darkness, they might erect a space needle - in Portland.
- Space needle.
still talking about the space needle Portland could become a suburb of Seattle.
- This word disturbs me.
- Seattle.
They're making a mockery of us here.
.
Seattle.
We don't like Seattle.
- No, we don't.
- No, we don't.
Fred.
Yes! Carrie.
Yes! - Mr.
Mayor.
- Yes! You're the only one who can come back and help.
We're very close with each other and we haven't even seen each other, but we came together for you-- I know exactly what we need to do, and I know who we should call.
- You do? - Yes, I do.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Please hurry.
Let's go.
Do you have a vehicle? - Thank you so much.
- Really, that was great.
Thank you everybody.
Thank you so much.
I have really enjoyed it.
- Thank you.
- Take care.
Okay.
Make sure to put the fire out.
Get the number here.
Okay.
Oregon Power.
Hello, this is the office of the mayor.
We are calling to turn the power back on.
Please give me your account number.
I'm sorry.
I lost you at one of the eights.
Could you please speak slower? Um, I feel that was at the same speed.
the mayor's office, and we need the power back on right now.
It will take us a minimum of eight business days to process your payment.
No, I'm sorry.
That's unacceptable.
We need the power on now.
To us, "right now" does mean eight business days later.
"Immediately" means six business days later.
I see.
And "today" means tomorrow.
I would like to speak to your manager, please.
Unfortunately my manager is in Santa Fe.
When the manager returns, I'm sure we will be able to process your request.
Yes, well, thank you for your time.
What's going on? We need to bring in the big guns.
Uh-- Hi.
Do you realize what you've done? - Oh, hi.
- You have cut off the power to the entire state of Oregon.
Press one for "shut up and go home.
" There's no "shut up" button standard on phones.
There is here, with us! But you've cut off power to Eugene, and they haven't been delinquent in their payment.
And I don't know why you're penalizing Eugene.
I don't know why you're penalizing Salem.
Don't say "penal.
" It's-- that's how that word is pronounced.
"Penalizing.
" Don't do that.
You guys are penalizing it.
- Don't.
- No.
We don't penalize anything.
There is a reason the system exists.
We don't want to frustrate you people.
- We just want to get it right.
- Figure it out.
I can't figure it out.
My manager is out of town.
Be a manager and turn Portland's power back on! Be my own manager? By the power vested in me from Women And Women First, I now ordain you a manager.
- Now turn the power back on! - Now! Would you fill out one form? - Yes.
- Fine.
Yes.
How many times are we filling out the form? You're doing it once three times.
We use all three of them.
But why doesn't the pen just go through and where it's the copy underneath? But sometimes that doesn't work as well.
And then numbers get smudged.
You would think in this day and age-- Fine, fine, fine, fine! Turn the power back on.
I will say, hon, this was a good source of exercise, this walkabout.
I'll admit that.
No one wanted to come with us.
That's kind of a relief.
I can't be worried about everybody liking me.
That's the whole point of running a B&B is just caring about every little thing.
It's just, you know, customer service.
Then I guess we're in the wrong business.
I-- Look at that! Wow.
I think I need to look around for a dance partner.
What about right here? What is your name? I-- what? You're quite beautiful, if you don't mind me saying so.
You are quite handsome.
You know what I think our spirit animal is? What? - Lovebirds.
- Oh.
Oh, he's asleep.
Hey, we did it.
- Very good.
- Good job.
Excellent work.
A hug? Okay.
All right, very good.
- All right? - What is this? I don't know.
Conducting music.
Um-- Anyway, take care.
You take care and I'll see you soon.
- Guaranteed.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Right.
Right.
_ Hi.
Carrie.
I got your text.
I sent it, like, two days ago.
- Really? - Yeah.
I was wondering, was this like-- you didn't answer, so I thought, like, well, that's dead, you know.
I thought you hated me.
I thought-- Hated you? I thought I was in the way.
I'm sorry.
I mean, I-- that's so empty, just like completely, like right here, this section, just empty.
Yeah, you don't have to say sorry.
I'm not Fred without Carrie.
I'm not Carrie without Fred.
You gonna move back? - Yes.
- All right.
I love you.
I love you too.
Okay.
Uh, what about Alex? Oh.
Hmm.
You don't have to say anything else.
I understand.
- It's okay.
- Wow.
It's kind of like an arm-candy situation, when I'm on your arm and you're really excited, - and I just move on.
- Wow.
I'm kind of addicted to the beginnings of relationships, - the first falling.
- Yeah.
It's okay.
Actually, I've already met somebody else.
Wow.
Jeez.
He's using your shower.
I hope that's okay.
Yeah.
I might just join him, just for a little bit, you know.
Showering's fun.
- She moves on, I guess, huh? - Yeah.
Hey.
Is there any room for me in there? Oh, Birdman, what have you got yourself into? I don't know when you'll be old enough to understand this, but we left Portland because there was a blackout.
We didn't know if we could ensure your safety.
Your dad has some words he wants to say.
- Dave? - Hey, cutie, this is dad.
Can't wait to see you grow up.
We don't know what's going to happen, but we know you're going to be okay.