Raising Hope s03e11 Episode Script
Credit Where Credit Is Due
This year for Founder's Day, we're going all out.
I've rented an authentic Western stallion to give horsey rides in the parking lot.
You can thank my connection at a Canadian meat company for that one.
This will probably be his last weekend, so don't be stingy with the carrots.
Where were you? I got a ticket taking Hope to day care.
I haven't been drinking, Officer.
And if you open up that door, you'll see why I was driving so slow.
Oh, no, please don't write me a ticket.
Look, I have a van, my fiancée has a moped.
And when I spend the night at my fiancée's house, I can't borrow my mom's car, and Look, I swear it's safe.
I get in accidents all the time.
Don't worry.
I figured out a way to drive Hope that's even safer.
Does this involve the text message you sent asking me to fill a shopping cart with marshmallows? We got to buy a new car.
These vintage cash registers are going to be a treat for the customers, but a terrible burden for all of you.
They only go up to nine dollars and 99 cents, and they may be plated in lead, so whatever you do, don't lick your fingers after using them.
I'm talking to you, Frank.
Buy a car, huh? It's just, it's a big decision.
But maybe you're right.
Maybe I need to man up and do it.
I'll talk to my parents about it after work.
Jimmy, you are a I think you're a little bit past having to ask your parents' permission to buy a car.
So you input the price, you crank the handle, and the drawer opens.
Hmm.
Must be stuck.
In sticking with our Founder's Day theme, I refuse to accept any modern medicine.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go read the scripture until the devil comes out of me.
Look, I'll talk to my parents about the car thing, and if they say it's okay, I'll do it.
No biggie.
Hey, I know what you're thinking.
"Am I really getting married to a guy "who has to ask Mommy and Daddy's permission to buy a car?" That's not very sexy, is it? FYI, I haven't talked to my parents in seven years, I'm a free-thinker, and I can do 25 sit-ups throughout the course of a day.
I'm just putting it out there.
A new car? New? Buying a new car is nuts.
It borders on reckless.
But we need a new car, and Sabrina said-- Sabrina says.
Sabrina says.
Think for yourself, Jimmy.
And for God's sake, do as we say.
A new car is a complete waste of money.
They lose three-fourths of their value the minute you drive 'em off the lot.
That can't be true.
Doesn't matter, anyway.
There's no way you guys have enough money for a new car.
We don't need all the money.
We're gonna take out a loan.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
We don't take out loans, Jimmy.
Credit is for chumps.
Credit is why this whole country is in a deep repression.
People went out, and they borrowed more money than they could afford.
Now their houses are either under water or upside down.
While that sounds fun for a weekend, it's no way to live.
Jimmy, what's the worst cartoon character? Wimpy.
Right.
Because he always wanted to pay Tuesday for a hamburger today.
With a gut like that, he should have been eating the spinach anyway.
I bet he got gout, and that's why they canceled the cartoon.
That's why your dad and I always pay cash, and we never buy anything new.
That way we always get a much better deal.
I mean, look at this fridge.
We bought it used.
Freezer works too good.
There are tons of cars in The Natesville Courier.
We'll go looking with you tomorrow.
And if Sabrina gives you a hard time, just remind her that she had a boyfriend when you met her.
You got her used.
Hold on.
Think I got something.
Oh, it's your harmonica.
I thought it would be refreshing to play a cold harmonica on a hot day.
It's stuck on my lips! Don't pull! Don't pull.
No, no, no.
That's gonna hurt! So we started checking The Natesville Courier.
After the ten pages of escort services, there were listings for a dozen old cars in our price range, which was exactly $830 or under.
What is with your guys' irrational fear of credit? Everybody uses it.
But if everybody jumped off a cliff, would you? I would.
I wouldn't want to be the last person left in the world.
I mean, it would be cool to spend one night in the White House and everything.
But after that, right off a cliff.
Now that we got that major problem solved All I was trying to say is, you're not going to find a lot of decent cars for $830.
We're not looking for a lot-- just one.
One diamond in the rough.
Not a diamond.
I can't believe this is so cheap.
We'll take it.
Not a diamond.
Oh, come on! It's just like the nursery rhyme.
I know another fairy tale.
We don't get it, and we live happily ever after.
Not a diamond.
It's just as roomy as an SUV.
The poor guy would have lived if he'd only worn his seat belt.
That reminds me-- this doesn't have seat belts.
Gomez, Morticia, Lurch, I'm out of here.
If you're giving out nicknames, I'd like a say in it.
I'm not selling it.
I just thought this would be a good way to meet fellow Pacer fans.
Now that you're here, you want to go get some pizza and talk about how awesome my Pacer is? Whoa, look at this.
I think Sabrina left too soon.
That's our diamond.
But it's more than $830.
We'll just have to get creative.
I promise you're going to love this.
Ooh, this is exciting! It's your mother's car.
Not anymore.
They gave it to us.
As a gift? Well, sort of.
You see, we finally found the diamond in the rough, but it was a bit above my spending limit.
So my parents kicked in the extra money, - and they gave us this car, and they got their dream car.
- Mm.
Is this amazing or what? Roads? We don't need roads! Please cover my eyes again.
See? This car's not so bad.
And once you get a feel for how to pump the brakes, it's actually not that hard to stop.
Oh, yeah.
That and the fact that the radio shorts out when the heater's on, the hood pops up when you brake too fast, the power steering only works on right turns.
And not on left turns.
Where are we? At a place where normal people buy cars.
Look, this car is no safer for Hope than your van was.
Well Cars should not do this.
I'm pretty sure if you pull that hard on any steering wheel, it's gonna come off.
Let's find out.
It adjusts up and down, controls the radio, cruise control, Bluetooth and climate, but it does not come off.
Well, the seat's pretty comfortable.
Oh, wait-- it gets better.
Hold on.
Please be an ejector seat, please be an ejector seat, please be Oh! Oh, this is still cool.
Huh? Heated seats are great, right? My ass feels like it just came out of a dryer.
That kind of luxury cannot come cheap.
Just a few bucks more on our monthly payment.
That's it? Mm-hmm.
Your life is about to change, my friend.
Fresh air and sunshine, anytime you want it, for just pennies a day.
It just seems that if there's an open roof There is no ejector seat, Jimmy.
Oh, I can't get enough of that.
It's called "new car smell.
" How much do they charge for that? It's free.
Oh, we'll take it! Congratulations.
You just chose the most reliable, affordable, family car on the market.
Now let's go do some paperwork.
How about I stay, sign the paperwork, you pick up Hope, and I will meet you at home with a new car? Jimmy, this is the first new car in Chance family history.
You should frame the title and put it up next to your college di Next to your high school di Never mind.
I love you.
See you at home.
The engine on this thing runs a little rough.
You really think it can get up to 88? Only one way to find out.
If you really could go back in time, what would you do? Remember that time we drove back from the lake Mm.
and I said I could make it all the way home without stopping to go to the bathroom? I'd stop.
I would go back in time and not make chili when we were up at the lake.
Here we go.
Sixty Sixty-five Seventy! Seventy-three! Seventy-eight! Ow! Stop it, Burt! She's breaking up! She's breaking up! Well, that was disappointing.
I mean, I'm not an idiot.
I know we don't have a flux capacitor, but I thought, if we could get it up to 88, maybe something would happen.
It's probably best that it didn't.
Remember that movie The Butterfly Effect? We would have had to sit through that stupid thing twice.
Put down the pen, Jimmy.
I just ran your credit.
You've got a score of 91.
Oh, that's an "A," right? It's out of 850.
This is the worst credit score we've ever seen.
It's the hardest my manager's laughed since I showed her that Internet video of guys getting kicked in the jingles.
Have you seen that? Oh, here, this'll cheer you up.
I don't understand.
I've never had a credit card.
I've never taken out a loan.
I've never even borrowed lunch money.
How can my credit be bad? Well, according to this, in 1993, you opened a credit card, and made a bunch of charges you never paid.
Do you remember signing any documents as a kid? Well, my mom used to make me practice signing my autograph in case I ever became a movie star.
You're my favorite movie star.
Can I have your autograph? Okay.
Great.
Sign here, here, and here.
Initials here and here.
And we're going to need this one in triplicate.
No.
They wouldn't.
Says you owe six grand for a hot tub.
How can we afford a hot tub and I can't get new shoes? Because your feet are gonna keep growing, buddy, but this hot tub will fit us forever.
Now go to bed, and don't forget to wipe your toes before you go inside.
Ugh These debts are from over 20 years ago.
I'm sure creditors must have been calling you.
Hello? This is Dennis Powers from the Bank of Natesville.
I'm calling for James Chance.
Dad, it's that guy who prank calls us again.
Let him have it, son.
Say hello to my butt.
That's not funny or effective since I can't smell it from here.
If you continue to mock me, I'll freeze your credit.
Uh-oh.
I gambled and I lost! Wow, that sounds traumatic.
Which makes it even harder to ask for all this stuff back.
Virginia, I did it! We're a DeLorean house now.
Finally, people will be pointing at our house for all the right reasons.
Mom? Dad? Back up.
Just back up.
And be careful.
I already smacked the mailman's chin pretty hard.
DeLorean door.
Yeah, that won't get old.
I cannot believe what you guys did to me when I was a kid.
I mean, you have done some awful things, but this-- this has to be the worst.
Oh, my God, he found out Maw Maw performed his circumcision.
She learned how to do it during the war.
You barely cried.
You stole my identity! What? We would never do that.
You took out a credit card in my name when I was five.
Oh, that.
Yeah, we did kind of do that.
But it wasn't our fault, Jimmy.
We had no idea how credit cards worked.
One day, your dad was at the bank and they were handing out these really cool fanny packs if he signed up for a credit card.
It wasn't a lame one.
It was leather.
And when the credit card showed up with his name on it, we could buy all our dream stuff from those late-night infomercials.
Smokin' Joe Frazier Grill, Andrew Dice Clay Dicer, Rowdy Roddy Piper Popcorn Popper.
The Henry Winkler Sprinkler.
The Bret Michaels Poison Control Kit.
And a whole set of knives that could cut through a can.
I used to ask your mom if she wanted to split a beer, then I'd cut that sucker right in two.
But before we maxed out your dad's card, they sent us another one, through the mail, with my name on it.
And that's when we really went to town.
Big-ticket items, Jimmy.
Things rich people have: night-vision goggles, an answering machine/phone combo, an electric card-shuffler, a Darth Vader boombox with a lightsaber antenna.
We spent hundreds.
So when you were telling me that you never used credit because it was bad, that was a load of crap.
No, we were trying to protect you from the evil, Jimmy.
We knew we had a problem, but luckily, we reached our limit on both our cards.
So there's no way anyone was gonna send us another one again.
But the Devil had other plans.
One day, a new card arrived in the mail with your name on it.
The bastard went after our child.
We could have easily sliced through that card with our fancy new knives, then effortlessly cut through a tomato, but we were young and we really wanted a hot tub.
And besides, we thought there was a "statue of imitations" on credit.
We thought your record would be clean by the time you were an adult.
We never meant to hurt you, Jimmy.
Tomorrow morning, we're going to the bank.
We're gonna tell them what we did, and we're gonna clear your name.
And then that's it.
We're not making bad decisions anymore.
While we're there, we can grab some lunch next door at that Mexican-Indian restaurant the health department finally reopened.
Oh, that's a good idea.
I heard their power went out the other day for 18 hours and they're selling anything with chicken in it for real cheap.
Sounds great.
We'll take the East River Bridge.
There's almost no traffic since it started cracking.
Oh, yes I seem to have quite a few notes on you in this file.
Hah.
"The phone farter.
" It's not his fault.
He was five years old.
Isn't there any way we can just pay back what we spent? Well, I suppose we could transfer this debt to the two of you.
Which, with penalties and interest, comes to $125,000.
76.
Two questions: can we pay that with a credit card, and can we get a credit card? Can't they just pay back the amount that they borrowed? It doesn't work that way.
Rules are rules.
What do you think, there's a magic button I can press that'll make your penalties and interest disappear? Actually, there is.
This one right here.
Nice try, but these are the fastest fingers in the Natesville branch.
That's why I've never been caught picking my nose at a red light.
And I do it a lot.
I'm not going to help you.
I detest reckless spenders who live above their means.
But we're not like that anymore.
I swear.
We never buy anything we can't afford.
He's not lying.
We all work hard at our part-time jobs.
Plus, we coupon and live in a crappy house with my crazy great-grandmother.
Oh I live with my elderly mother.
Oh, it's not easy but I love her.
I know exactly how you feel, Dennis.
You got to take care of them the way they took care of you.
Does yours bite, too? Not now, Burt.
I'm doing something here.
It does sound like you've learned your lesson.
Yeah.
I guess everybody makes mistakes when they're younger.
I'm gonna help you folks out.
Hey, Dennis, some idiot parked in my handicap spot.
I'm gonna call a tow truck, but you might want to check it out.
It's your dream car.
Whoa, Betty! I wish I was rich enough to waste money on a sweet ride like this.
Yeah.
I feel dirty just being next to it.
Maybe we should go back inside and finish fixing Jimmy's debt.
It's hot out, huh? You almost pulled one over on old Dennis.
Sure, you've changed your ways.
Sure, you don't live above your means.
You only drive the sweetest car ever built.
But you don't understand.
They found their diamond in the rough.
Stop.
Just stop.
Other than when I'm at a gentleman's club, I don't like being lied to.
I'm going to personally make sure that this debt follows you to your grave.
Uh Wait, Dennis.
It's probably hard to believe, knowing we own that car, but as parents, we've made tons of mistakes.
But up till now, we've always been able to fix it so they didn't follow Jimmy around for the rest of his life.
That's not true.
It is true, Jimmy.
We've been terrible parents.
Oh, no, no, no, that part's true.
But the mistakes you made, they followed me around.
You never made me do my homework, which is why I couldn't get any job that required any education.
You never took me to the dentist, so when the wind blows, my gums bleed.
And you never let me make my own decisions, which is why I rely on you and my fiancée to tell me what to do.
Jimmy, we tried our best.
Oh, yeah? Was your best letting my great-grandmother circumcise me? I mean, it's no wonder I always pee a little bit to the left.
What do you expect me to do? Pull foreskin out of my pocket and reattach it? Please give Jimmy his credit back.
We'll give you anything you want.
Her.
I want her.
Well, I am flattered, but Ah It wasn't how they imagined it, but Mom and Dad did get to use the DeLorean to go back in time and change the past.
Ah.
Oof! And I got my credit back.
In the end, the one good thing that came out of my parents ruining my credit was that I was determined not to.
Oh! Should we get the navigation? Ah, I know my way around Natesville.
The rear-view camera? That's what back bumpers are for.
The entertainment system? So many people have those.
We'll just tailgate a mini-van and Hope can see as many movies as she wants.
Sunroof? We'll take the basic model.
And is there any way that you can finance that under the name "Hope Chance"? I'm just kidding.
Come on, come on you're getting closer.
Come on! Out of the way! Come on! Just a little more.
Almost there Come on Yes! Yes! Yes! Holy crap! Ah! Wha? Oh, my God! It worked! What year is it? Is it 2013? Nope.
Here at Howdy's, it's 1829.
Hey, why don't you mosey into Howdy's General Store for a five-cent sarsaparilla? No time, partner.
I'm off to the year 2008 to marry Susan Boyle before she got rich and famous.
I've rented an authentic Western stallion to give horsey rides in the parking lot.
You can thank my connection at a Canadian meat company for that one.
This will probably be his last weekend, so don't be stingy with the carrots.
Where were you? I got a ticket taking Hope to day care.
I haven't been drinking, Officer.
And if you open up that door, you'll see why I was driving so slow.
Oh, no, please don't write me a ticket.
Look, I have a van, my fiancée has a moped.
And when I spend the night at my fiancée's house, I can't borrow my mom's car, and Look, I swear it's safe.
I get in accidents all the time.
Don't worry.
I figured out a way to drive Hope that's even safer.
Does this involve the text message you sent asking me to fill a shopping cart with marshmallows? We got to buy a new car.
These vintage cash registers are going to be a treat for the customers, but a terrible burden for all of you.
They only go up to nine dollars and 99 cents, and they may be plated in lead, so whatever you do, don't lick your fingers after using them.
I'm talking to you, Frank.
Buy a car, huh? It's just, it's a big decision.
But maybe you're right.
Maybe I need to man up and do it.
I'll talk to my parents about it after work.
Jimmy, you are a I think you're a little bit past having to ask your parents' permission to buy a car.
So you input the price, you crank the handle, and the drawer opens.
Hmm.
Must be stuck.
In sticking with our Founder's Day theme, I refuse to accept any modern medicine.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go read the scripture until the devil comes out of me.
Look, I'll talk to my parents about the car thing, and if they say it's okay, I'll do it.
No biggie.
Hey, I know what you're thinking.
"Am I really getting married to a guy "who has to ask Mommy and Daddy's permission to buy a car?" That's not very sexy, is it? FYI, I haven't talked to my parents in seven years, I'm a free-thinker, and I can do 25 sit-ups throughout the course of a day.
I'm just putting it out there.
A new car? New? Buying a new car is nuts.
It borders on reckless.
But we need a new car, and Sabrina said-- Sabrina says.
Sabrina says.
Think for yourself, Jimmy.
And for God's sake, do as we say.
A new car is a complete waste of money.
They lose three-fourths of their value the minute you drive 'em off the lot.
That can't be true.
Doesn't matter, anyway.
There's no way you guys have enough money for a new car.
We don't need all the money.
We're gonna take out a loan.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
We don't take out loans, Jimmy.
Credit is for chumps.
Credit is why this whole country is in a deep repression.
People went out, and they borrowed more money than they could afford.
Now their houses are either under water or upside down.
While that sounds fun for a weekend, it's no way to live.
Jimmy, what's the worst cartoon character? Wimpy.
Right.
Because he always wanted to pay Tuesday for a hamburger today.
With a gut like that, he should have been eating the spinach anyway.
I bet he got gout, and that's why they canceled the cartoon.
That's why your dad and I always pay cash, and we never buy anything new.
That way we always get a much better deal.
I mean, look at this fridge.
We bought it used.
Freezer works too good.
There are tons of cars in The Natesville Courier.
We'll go looking with you tomorrow.
And if Sabrina gives you a hard time, just remind her that she had a boyfriend when you met her.
You got her used.
Hold on.
Think I got something.
Oh, it's your harmonica.
I thought it would be refreshing to play a cold harmonica on a hot day.
It's stuck on my lips! Don't pull! Don't pull.
No, no, no.
That's gonna hurt! So we started checking The Natesville Courier.
After the ten pages of escort services, there were listings for a dozen old cars in our price range, which was exactly $830 or under.
What is with your guys' irrational fear of credit? Everybody uses it.
But if everybody jumped off a cliff, would you? I would.
I wouldn't want to be the last person left in the world.
I mean, it would be cool to spend one night in the White House and everything.
But after that, right off a cliff.
Now that we got that major problem solved All I was trying to say is, you're not going to find a lot of decent cars for $830.
We're not looking for a lot-- just one.
One diamond in the rough.
Not a diamond.
I can't believe this is so cheap.
We'll take it.
Not a diamond.
Oh, come on! It's just like the nursery rhyme.
I know another fairy tale.
We don't get it, and we live happily ever after.
Not a diamond.
It's just as roomy as an SUV.
The poor guy would have lived if he'd only worn his seat belt.
That reminds me-- this doesn't have seat belts.
Gomez, Morticia, Lurch, I'm out of here.
If you're giving out nicknames, I'd like a say in it.
I'm not selling it.
I just thought this would be a good way to meet fellow Pacer fans.
Now that you're here, you want to go get some pizza and talk about how awesome my Pacer is? Whoa, look at this.
I think Sabrina left too soon.
That's our diamond.
But it's more than $830.
We'll just have to get creative.
I promise you're going to love this.
Ooh, this is exciting! It's your mother's car.
Not anymore.
They gave it to us.
As a gift? Well, sort of.
You see, we finally found the diamond in the rough, but it was a bit above my spending limit.
So my parents kicked in the extra money, - and they gave us this car, and they got their dream car.
- Mm.
Is this amazing or what? Roads? We don't need roads! Please cover my eyes again.
See? This car's not so bad.
And once you get a feel for how to pump the brakes, it's actually not that hard to stop.
Oh, yeah.
That and the fact that the radio shorts out when the heater's on, the hood pops up when you brake too fast, the power steering only works on right turns.
And not on left turns.
Where are we? At a place where normal people buy cars.
Look, this car is no safer for Hope than your van was.
Well Cars should not do this.
I'm pretty sure if you pull that hard on any steering wheel, it's gonna come off.
Let's find out.
It adjusts up and down, controls the radio, cruise control, Bluetooth and climate, but it does not come off.
Well, the seat's pretty comfortable.
Oh, wait-- it gets better.
Hold on.
Please be an ejector seat, please be an ejector seat, please be Oh! Oh, this is still cool.
Huh? Heated seats are great, right? My ass feels like it just came out of a dryer.
That kind of luxury cannot come cheap.
Just a few bucks more on our monthly payment.
That's it? Mm-hmm.
Your life is about to change, my friend.
Fresh air and sunshine, anytime you want it, for just pennies a day.
It just seems that if there's an open roof There is no ejector seat, Jimmy.
Oh, I can't get enough of that.
It's called "new car smell.
" How much do they charge for that? It's free.
Oh, we'll take it! Congratulations.
You just chose the most reliable, affordable, family car on the market.
Now let's go do some paperwork.
How about I stay, sign the paperwork, you pick up Hope, and I will meet you at home with a new car? Jimmy, this is the first new car in Chance family history.
You should frame the title and put it up next to your college di Next to your high school di Never mind.
I love you.
See you at home.
The engine on this thing runs a little rough.
You really think it can get up to 88? Only one way to find out.
If you really could go back in time, what would you do? Remember that time we drove back from the lake Mm.
and I said I could make it all the way home without stopping to go to the bathroom? I'd stop.
I would go back in time and not make chili when we were up at the lake.
Here we go.
Sixty Sixty-five Seventy! Seventy-three! Seventy-eight! Ow! Stop it, Burt! She's breaking up! She's breaking up! Well, that was disappointing.
I mean, I'm not an idiot.
I know we don't have a flux capacitor, but I thought, if we could get it up to 88, maybe something would happen.
It's probably best that it didn't.
Remember that movie The Butterfly Effect? We would have had to sit through that stupid thing twice.
Put down the pen, Jimmy.
I just ran your credit.
You've got a score of 91.
Oh, that's an "A," right? It's out of 850.
This is the worst credit score we've ever seen.
It's the hardest my manager's laughed since I showed her that Internet video of guys getting kicked in the jingles.
Have you seen that? Oh, here, this'll cheer you up.
I don't understand.
I've never had a credit card.
I've never taken out a loan.
I've never even borrowed lunch money.
How can my credit be bad? Well, according to this, in 1993, you opened a credit card, and made a bunch of charges you never paid.
Do you remember signing any documents as a kid? Well, my mom used to make me practice signing my autograph in case I ever became a movie star.
You're my favorite movie star.
Can I have your autograph? Okay.
Great.
Sign here, here, and here.
Initials here and here.
And we're going to need this one in triplicate.
No.
They wouldn't.
Says you owe six grand for a hot tub.
How can we afford a hot tub and I can't get new shoes? Because your feet are gonna keep growing, buddy, but this hot tub will fit us forever.
Now go to bed, and don't forget to wipe your toes before you go inside.
Ugh These debts are from over 20 years ago.
I'm sure creditors must have been calling you.
Hello? This is Dennis Powers from the Bank of Natesville.
I'm calling for James Chance.
Dad, it's that guy who prank calls us again.
Let him have it, son.
Say hello to my butt.
That's not funny or effective since I can't smell it from here.
If you continue to mock me, I'll freeze your credit.
Uh-oh.
I gambled and I lost! Wow, that sounds traumatic.
Which makes it even harder to ask for all this stuff back.
Virginia, I did it! We're a DeLorean house now.
Finally, people will be pointing at our house for all the right reasons.
Mom? Dad? Back up.
Just back up.
And be careful.
I already smacked the mailman's chin pretty hard.
DeLorean door.
Yeah, that won't get old.
I cannot believe what you guys did to me when I was a kid.
I mean, you have done some awful things, but this-- this has to be the worst.
Oh, my God, he found out Maw Maw performed his circumcision.
She learned how to do it during the war.
You barely cried.
You stole my identity! What? We would never do that.
You took out a credit card in my name when I was five.
Oh, that.
Yeah, we did kind of do that.
But it wasn't our fault, Jimmy.
We had no idea how credit cards worked.
One day, your dad was at the bank and they were handing out these really cool fanny packs if he signed up for a credit card.
It wasn't a lame one.
It was leather.
And when the credit card showed up with his name on it, we could buy all our dream stuff from those late-night infomercials.
Smokin' Joe Frazier Grill, Andrew Dice Clay Dicer, Rowdy Roddy Piper Popcorn Popper.
The Henry Winkler Sprinkler.
The Bret Michaels Poison Control Kit.
And a whole set of knives that could cut through a can.
I used to ask your mom if she wanted to split a beer, then I'd cut that sucker right in two.
But before we maxed out your dad's card, they sent us another one, through the mail, with my name on it.
And that's when we really went to town.
Big-ticket items, Jimmy.
Things rich people have: night-vision goggles, an answering machine/phone combo, an electric card-shuffler, a Darth Vader boombox with a lightsaber antenna.
We spent hundreds.
So when you were telling me that you never used credit because it was bad, that was a load of crap.
No, we were trying to protect you from the evil, Jimmy.
We knew we had a problem, but luckily, we reached our limit on both our cards.
So there's no way anyone was gonna send us another one again.
But the Devil had other plans.
One day, a new card arrived in the mail with your name on it.
The bastard went after our child.
We could have easily sliced through that card with our fancy new knives, then effortlessly cut through a tomato, but we were young and we really wanted a hot tub.
And besides, we thought there was a "statue of imitations" on credit.
We thought your record would be clean by the time you were an adult.
We never meant to hurt you, Jimmy.
Tomorrow morning, we're going to the bank.
We're gonna tell them what we did, and we're gonna clear your name.
And then that's it.
We're not making bad decisions anymore.
While we're there, we can grab some lunch next door at that Mexican-Indian restaurant the health department finally reopened.
Oh, that's a good idea.
I heard their power went out the other day for 18 hours and they're selling anything with chicken in it for real cheap.
Sounds great.
We'll take the East River Bridge.
There's almost no traffic since it started cracking.
Oh, yes I seem to have quite a few notes on you in this file.
Hah.
"The phone farter.
" It's not his fault.
He was five years old.
Isn't there any way we can just pay back what we spent? Well, I suppose we could transfer this debt to the two of you.
Which, with penalties and interest, comes to $125,000.
76.
Two questions: can we pay that with a credit card, and can we get a credit card? Can't they just pay back the amount that they borrowed? It doesn't work that way.
Rules are rules.
What do you think, there's a magic button I can press that'll make your penalties and interest disappear? Actually, there is.
This one right here.
Nice try, but these are the fastest fingers in the Natesville branch.
That's why I've never been caught picking my nose at a red light.
And I do it a lot.
I'm not going to help you.
I detest reckless spenders who live above their means.
But we're not like that anymore.
I swear.
We never buy anything we can't afford.
He's not lying.
We all work hard at our part-time jobs.
Plus, we coupon and live in a crappy house with my crazy great-grandmother.
Oh I live with my elderly mother.
Oh, it's not easy but I love her.
I know exactly how you feel, Dennis.
You got to take care of them the way they took care of you.
Does yours bite, too? Not now, Burt.
I'm doing something here.
It does sound like you've learned your lesson.
Yeah.
I guess everybody makes mistakes when they're younger.
I'm gonna help you folks out.
Hey, Dennis, some idiot parked in my handicap spot.
I'm gonna call a tow truck, but you might want to check it out.
It's your dream car.
Whoa, Betty! I wish I was rich enough to waste money on a sweet ride like this.
Yeah.
I feel dirty just being next to it.
Maybe we should go back inside and finish fixing Jimmy's debt.
It's hot out, huh? You almost pulled one over on old Dennis.
Sure, you've changed your ways.
Sure, you don't live above your means.
You only drive the sweetest car ever built.
But you don't understand.
They found their diamond in the rough.
Stop.
Just stop.
Other than when I'm at a gentleman's club, I don't like being lied to.
I'm going to personally make sure that this debt follows you to your grave.
Uh Wait, Dennis.
It's probably hard to believe, knowing we own that car, but as parents, we've made tons of mistakes.
But up till now, we've always been able to fix it so they didn't follow Jimmy around for the rest of his life.
That's not true.
It is true, Jimmy.
We've been terrible parents.
Oh, no, no, no, that part's true.
But the mistakes you made, they followed me around.
You never made me do my homework, which is why I couldn't get any job that required any education.
You never took me to the dentist, so when the wind blows, my gums bleed.
And you never let me make my own decisions, which is why I rely on you and my fiancée to tell me what to do.
Jimmy, we tried our best.
Oh, yeah? Was your best letting my great-grandmother circumcise me? I mean, it's no wonder I always pee a little bit to the left.
What do you expect me to do? Pull foreskin out of my pocket and reattach it? Please give Jimmy his credit back.
We'll give you anything you want.
Her.
I want her.
Well, I am flattered, but Ah It wasn't how they imagined it, but Mom and Dad did get to use the DeLorean to go back in time and change the past.
Ah.
Oof! And I got my credit back.
In the end, the one good thing that came out of my parents ruining my credit was that I was determined not to.
Oh! Should we get the navigation? Ah, I know my way around Natesville.
The rear-view camera? That's what back bumpers are for.
The entertainment system? So many people have those.
We'll just tailgate a mini-van and Hope can see as many movies as she wants.
Sunroof? We'll take the basic model.
And is there any way that you can finance that under the name "Hope Chance"? I'm just kidding.
Come on, come on you're getting closer.
Come on! Out of the way! Come on! Just a little more.
Almost there Come on Yes! Yes! Yes! Holy crap! Ah! Wha? Oh, my God! It worked! What year is it? Is it 2013? Nope.
Here at Howdy's, it's 1829.
Hey, why don't you mosey into Howdy's General Store for a five-cent sarsaparilla? No time, partner.
I'm off to the year 2008 to marry Susan Boyle before she got rich and famous.