Reno 911! (2003) s03e11 Episode Script

[school bell ringing.]
- That's right, sniff the drug hound.
If you use a water pistol that looks like a real pistol, You're the one that's gonna beAll wet.
Safety and common sense.
Common sense.
Common sense.
Now, if I could have questions-- [electricity buzzes.]
- [sniff the drug hound whimpers.]
- Are you ok? - Whoo! - Come here! [siren.]
- What? - Oh, no.
No.
Oh.
[tires screeching.]
- Go, go, go! [electricity buzzes.]
- Aah! [machine gun firing.]
- ha ha ha ha! - Hey, where-- - oh, sorry, sorry! - Ooh.
[siren, tires squeal.]
by mtv networks - Turns out it was just a dildo, but it looked like a gun.
- Oh, yeah.
- At the lab they said, "dildo.
" Ok! Hey, excellent news, gang.
Uh, the television program "csi" is coming to film here in town.
- Wow.
- Isn't that amazing? - Are they gonna use any of us in it? - No, but they need security.
What you get is time and a half.
- What are we supposed to do? - Security! On the set.
Simple.
- Like, what do we have to actually do, though? - How many times can I say security on the set? Did I say it twice or 3 times? Now it'll be 3.
- What are we securing? What are we securing? - Security on the set! - Did she scream at me? - This is why we don't allow you to have 7 doughnuts usually.
- I'm all hyped up on sugar a little bit.
- You're freaking out.
- I'm sorry I yelled.
- Uh, we're just coming around the neighborhood.
Wanted to let you know that The popular television crime drama "csi" Is gonna be filming right here in the neighborhood.
There is going to be some gunfire.
Ok? So don't freak out.
Don't go calling the cops.
There'll be some gunfire.
- Please don't call us.
- Right.
- Cause we already know about it.
- Hang onto that.
- Ok.
- Hang onto that.
- Yep.
- Thank you.
- It's not me.
There's more of them around lately, right? - There's more of 'em around, and I - Is it me? - No, it isn't.
- There's more of 'em around.
- There's more of 'em around.
[knock on door.]
- sheriff's department! - Hello? What's going on? - You're not in trouble.
- You're not in trouble.
- I should hope not.
- Tell us where the stuff is! [laughter.]
- Really, I don't know.
- We're joking, of course.
- Ok.
That's a scary joke.
- "csi" is coming to film right here in reno.
- Really? - On this block.
- Yeah.
- As luck would have it.
- You're kidding me! - So there's gonna be some movie lights.
There's gonna be-- - I have some questions about "csi.
" I'm glad you're here.
Let me ask you something.
- Sure.
- These "csi" guys, they're scientists, right? They're scientists basically? - Uh, of sorts.
- So why are they running around with guns and solving crimes? - Thank you.
That's the problem I have with the show.
- Ok.
Well, why? Do you know why? - If you want to start a list of television shows about law enforcement That are inaccurate - Yeah.
- Where do we start? - So you don't have the answer to that? - I would say-- - because we're going crazy in here Trying to find that out.
I'll bet you, in your line of work as real police, You don't come across nearly the number of pubic hairs That they do on that show.
- Uh - Or do you? - I wouldn't go that far, but, you know, We just don't talk about it all the time.
- Thank you, yes.
- The constant pube talk, like, "oh, can I have the pubes from that sample? Can I have the pubes from that?" - Well, I'm glad I didn't shake either of your hands.
[laughter.]
- oh, I'm gonna shake-- Ohh, pube hairs! - Seriously.
[tires screeching.]
[crash.]
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
[siren.]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - A stray piece of trash from god's garbage can.
Ma'am? Hold up.
Oh, you lost your shoes there! - You're blocking this roadway and you can't do that.
- I don't need no help from you! I go shoppin'.
Here I go.
- No, you're not goin' shoppin'.
You can't-- - yes, I am.
This is my train.
- No.
No, no.
- All right, then.
- Ok, now, ma'am, that's not gonna do anything.
I'm just gonna back up.
Where you goin' with these, ma'am? - You need to have--you gotta put some pants on.
- I don't need no help! - She smells.
- Whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
- Stop it.
- No! No! No.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hey, hey, hey.
Hey! - That's mine! I was handled badly.
- We didn't handle you badly, ma'am.
- I was handled badly! - No, you weren't.
- I'm gonna tell you somethin'! I'm gonna tell you somethin'! I was--someone threw me in a dumpster, ok? And they threw a christmas tree on it.
- Ok.
- Poof! Set it on fire! - Uh-huh.
Did you catch on fire, ma'am? - Yes.
Aa-a-a-a-ah! - No.
- Aah! - Don't--don't--don't-- - You have to let your shopping cart-- - I got 2 shoes.
- Yes, you do.
- I got one sock.
- Yeah.
I gotta count my titties.
- No! - No.
[siren.]
[dispatcher.]
- Well, well, well! I didn't realize jeff gordon was coming through today.
- Excuse me? - I said I didn't realize jeff gordon Was coming through today, coming through town.
I would've brought my picture book, Had him autograph it.
- What did I do, officer? - What you did was you drove through at 86 miles an hour.
Everybody else was obeying the speed limit and you were doing 86.
- Oh, you know, I got produce in my truck.
It goes bad.
- Grievance with the produce union For having you booked so that You have to drive these long distances Without enough time to drive 'em.
It ain't my fault.
- Ok.
- I'm not--my job Isn't to pay your mortgage.
- All right, sir.
I-- - So this ticket here, you can contest it if you want to.
You can bring your produce boss there.
Maybe he wants to pay for you, because this is for $175.
- $175? Come on! - $175.
- Have a good day, baretta.
- Shit! This is car--oh, they took the goddamn radio! Shit! Stop in the name of the law! - Did you know that? If you ever appear, ever, ever, On television, even the news, Or in the newspaper, you get paid-- - Really? - Forever.
- Yeah.
- Did you know that? - Yeah.
- Really? - Residuals.
- You're kidding me.
- Yeah, residuals.
Forever.
- I bet you there's guys that do nothing for a living Except get themselves in the background of the news.
- They probably do.
- Right.
- Or pictures in the newspaper.
- And then cha-ching, cha-ching.
"csi.
" they're gonna be here.
- Yeah, "csi.
" - They'll be on this street.
There'll be trucks, gunfire.
Don't forget.
Don't get the itchy 911 finger.
Don't worry about it.
- No problem.
No problem.
- We got you covered.
- Look at that.
This is going right in the scrapbook.
I'll never forget the day.
- Now, that was a good guy.
That was a good guy.
If we had a city full of those people - Oh! - Look at these roses.
- You gotta have a sixth sense about things, you know? You got to be able to predict like a-- You know, like a bird or something, you know? [knock on door.]
sheriff's department! Oh.
[gunshots.]
- oh! God! Oh, god! [man shouting.]
- Lay low! - Somebody will call the cops.
It's ok.
- No, they're not! What did we just say to everybody? - Stay down! Stay down! [gunshots.]
- stay down! - Is that "csi"? Are you-- [gunshot.]
are you with "csi"? Cha-ching.
[laughing.]
I'm in the shot? Wow.
It's a small operation.
[siren.]
[siren, gunshot.]
- I know you did it.
You know you did it.
All you gotta do, pick up this pen, sign a confession.
[sighs.]
ok.
You've forced me to bring in the big guns.
Whew.
Hey, wiegel! - Yeah? - This guy in here wants to hear All about your appendectomy surgery.
- Hi.
Wow, where do I begin? I was in fifth grade, I think.
Um, I was in this guy-- his name was mr.
Cohen's class, And you had to fight to get into this class.
He would do a thing once a year Where you would build out of straws and straight pins something.
All right? I--I built a ferris wheel.
When you're in fifth grade-- well, pretty much anytime-- I don't know about you, but when I smell vomit, Sometimes it just happens, so--oh, god.
The next thing you know, everyone's vomiting.
The whole class is vomiting.
Well, I think I'm just vomiting because david cowie vomited.
Let me back up, because what happened before that is, I'm in horrible pain.
I think, "this is so weird," Because we just saw the whale blubber video.
Maybe it's just, you know, Contagious vomiting, like you get sometimes.
No.
Now, I don't know if you've ever had a catheter, But they did this thing to me that hurt like the dickens, And the guy says to me, "have you taken a bowel movement in the last 3 days?" I'm in fifth grade.
I don't know from bowel movement.
I, of course-- I can't do the dance, But I can fake the drums.
And she was the only girl in school With a thalidomide baby hand, Which, for the time, was pretty rare.
It's a puffy paint sweatshirt, A rainbow puffy paint sweatshirt, And purple painter's pants With purple see-through shoes that go-- [laughing.]
I was like, "oh, yeah, I'll show it to you, "but I don't have any pubic hair.
I'm only in fifth grade.
" And the guy's like, "oh, then I don't wanna see it anyway.
" [laughing.]
So, it's, you know--since it was my third time back in the hos-- - Trudy? - Yeah.
- You got a phone call.
- Oh.
Ok.
I'll be right back.
I'm gonna tell you about the time we snuck out And stole crackers from the cafeteria.
[laughing.]
- Ahem.
[clicks pen.]
[siren, tires squeal.]
- Well, one of the things I'm gonna do Since "csi" is coming is, um, I'm gonna get my teeth bleached.
- Mmm.
- I'm gonna get my teeth whitened Just in case they wanna use me in a scene.
- That won't happen.
Ok? - What you--how-- - They're not going to ask you.
- How do you know? - They're not going to ask you.
Have you watched that show? You do not fit in.
- I'm savvy, I'm--I'm aggressive - Uh-huh.
- Um, I'm attractive - Uh-huh, and you got an ass that's 2 axe handles wide, And that's distracting.
Just don't--I just don't want you To get your hopes up, ok? I don't want you to get your hopes up.
- Oh, yeah.
No, no.
I--I guess--I guess I shouldn't do that.
- Maybe if they stuck you, like, in a hedge or something.
- How long we gotta be out here doing this? - I don't know, but I've had just about enough.
- You ain't had no more than I done had.
And I don't know, you know, There's a lot of these little people around here, They ordering around.
"go get this, go do that, Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah-blah-blah.
" And I think that they think they can Tell us what to do like that, too.
- No, thank you.
No.
No.
- Don't nobody tell me what to do.
I'm a grown woman.
Do you hear me? Don't tell me who I can't look at.
- Mm-hmm.
I got a badge and a gun.
Don't tell me.
- Yeah.
I will look at 'em if I want to.
- How many times do I have to fucking tell you? Here and here.
I got people coming up these steps all day long, And what I don't need is fucking cagney and lacey Standing here blocking bill petersen's door.
All right? Got it?! - Got it.
- Good.
- Got it, partner.
- Don't cry.
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
- I don't like this.
- I gotta stay on this side in case he come back, But don't cry.
Don't cry.
- I'm sick of this.
- That's how they do you in hollywood.
- Don't move, sir.
- Don't move! - Don't move! - Don't move what? At all? - Put the bottle down.
- Put the bottle down.
- Put your hands up.
- Bottle down, hands up just like this.
Bottle down, hands up just like this.
- How many times you want me to repeat that motion? - No, no! - No, no.
- Just do it once.
Hands against the wall.
- This--this how y'all work when I call? - Did you call? - I called.
I was cartjacked this morning.
- Carjacked this morning? - Oh.
- Cart.
Cart.
- Cart, like a shopping cart.
- Well, I don't push it like that.
This gives you a-- that thing in your-- It bothers your--up in here if you push like this.
The comfortable way to-- what is it? - Carpal--never mind.
- I've never been in any kind of tunnel.
The comfortable way to push a cart Is from both angles, like this, Almost on a-- like this, on obtusical.
- You push it out, you do it isometrically.
- "freeze, you dirty fool!" - Freeze, you dirty fool.
- Yeah.
- Okey-doke.
- So, somebody came up behind you with a weapon? - Spell "dirty," like, with-- Like how nelly do it, with a "u.
" - "durty," like durty south.
- Right.
- Don't--don't tell him how to spell things on his pad.
You--you do your job, you do your job.
- You know, in '87, I was spelling bee champion.
- In '87, you were a spelling bee champion.
Do you have any documentation to prove that? - I usually keep it with me, but it was in the cart.
- Ohhh! - Man.
Man.
- Yeah, because they out here tryin' to get me, man.
That man, that steven spielberg person, Stole my--my "e.
T.
" idea.
- That was your idea? - Yeah.
Cause I had a story called "e.
T.
" about a alien, And it stood for "every time," Cause every time I would lay down, an alien would come.
- Our first stop looking for this cart--spielberg's.
- Spielberg.
Spielberg's! Let's move, boy, let's move! - Come on.
- We got 9 hours of driving to get to hollywood And get steven spielberg into custody! - I'm a grown-ass man, ok? - You are a grown-ass man.
- You do not get to talk to me--you do not! - Shh.
Come on.
- Helgenberger.
- I know.
Who the helgenberger does she think she is? - Yeah.
Hey, good-lookin' black dude? He's not that good-lookin'.
You see him? - Yeah.
Hell, yeah.
Short--about this high.
- Yeah.
He's not that good-lookin'.
- Tv, man.
- I'm way cute--I'm way cuter.
- What up, blood? - Hey.
How you doin'? - How you doin'? - Asshole.
Gives you some love.
- Yeah, but "what up, blood," I mean-- - "what up, blood?" - he don't know me.
And I hate that I naturally-- it was natural for me, And I--I naturally gave him dap.
I don't know you.
[siren.]
- Another hot date tonight, bill? - And how.
And she's a real catch, too-- Intelligent, challenging, and she's 16 years old, The legal age of consent in the state of nevada.
We're goin' dinner-- for dinner, roller-skating.
Then we might pop over to california for some dancing.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down, bill.
- What's the problem? - Well, 16 may be the age of consent in nevada, But not in california.
It's 18 in the golden state.
- How am I supposed to keep track? - Why not do what I do? I always carry age of consent state-by-state guide.
- 14 in idaho? How did I ever live without one of these handy cards? - Order yours today.
Why not be sure every time? [siren, gunshot.]
- All clear.
- Are they shootin' right now? - I think so.
That kind of jewy guy was yelling.
- "action"? - Yeah.
Can I ask you something? An honest question? - Yeah.
- Do I come off as gay or something? Do I come off as, like, outwardly gay? Cause I don't know why she would've said that As she went by before.
- I thought either way-- - Was she goofing with me? - I don't think she was goofing.
I think that was just-- - Rolling sound here, people.
- What? What did he say? - I don't know.
- Rolling wild track, guys.
Wanna keep it down? You know what wild track is? - No.
- It means shut the fuck up, all right? Just keep it down, keep your eye on the door.
- Wild track.
- What? - Wild track.
- [both imitate monkey chatter.]
[dangle whinnies.]
- Cold towel? - A what? - Cold towel? - Coal towel? - Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
- What did she say? What did she say? - Co-towel? - Cold--cold towel? Cold towel.
Ahem.
- It's cold.
- Yeah.
- I thought it was gonna say, like, uh, "csi"-- - Mmm, taste it.
- There.
Does it make you feel better? - Yeah.
- Good.
We did it.
Fine.
Hey, carl! - Hey, chief carl.
- Hey, guys.
How's it going? - Oh, boy.
Guess how it's going.
- Uh - What do you think happened? - Pretty darn good? - Mmm, it's not going so darn good with the ring-toss people.
- What happened there? Did somebody get one in the eye? - No, they called and said, "there is a gentleman sitting in front of the ring toss" - Yeah? - "selling popcorn on a stick.
" - Yeah.
It's me's.
- Yeah? - Yeah, I'm-- - Do you wanna run right now? Do you wanna just get up and scamper? Do you wanna run? - Well - No? - No, I'm on a lunch break.
You know, if you put a burger in the toaster, it'll say happy birthday.
- If you put a burger in a toaster, it'll do what? - It'll say happy birthday.
Do you have the bathtub with the goat water? - Yes, we do.
- Yes, we do, carl.
- Uh, you know what? I'll call ahead to the station And make sure they fill up the bathtub with goat water.
- Yeah.
That way I can rinse out the pie.
- Yeah.
[siren.]
[siren, gunshot.]
- Hey, kimball, check it out.
They got tons of snacks over there.
- You were gone, like, - I know.
I went by the set.
They have this guy totally cut open, like, his en-- All his entrails are hanging out.
And I got to take a picture like this, next to his stomach, like - Oh, well, that's great, while I'm here all by myself trying to hold down the fort.
- I brought you a cookie.
You don't have to be pissy about it.
- No, thank you.
- Good, cause this one fell on the ground.
- Mm-hmm, well, you're gettin' crumbs on the steps - It's fine.
There's a guy who comes around-- - miss starlet.
- There's a--they got a guy for everything.
You go like this, "makeup!" A guy comes up, poof, poof, poof.
- Yeah, that powder? That puff? - Get off the stairs, please.
- Uh, oh, I'm sorry about that.
- Listen, director saw you this morning.
- Yeah? - Said, "who's that?" I said, "it's a real cop.
" - Yeah? - Wants to put you in the scene.
- Are you serious? - For real.
- [laughing.]
what did I tell ya? I said he was looking at me! Now? - For real, yeah.
Let's go.
- [laughing.]
- You know, I was just telling her that I used to, uh-- - Watch the door, please.
Just watch the door.
Trudy, come on.
- I'm gonna do that.
I'm on it! - Hold my cookie.
I don't wanna look unprofessional.
Thanks! Have fun! mtv networks Captioned by the national - Where's your friend? - Oh, she, um-- They took her off, I think, to do some acting or something.
- So, I was wondering, uh, maybe after we wrap, You and I could go get a drink or something.
- You and me? - Yeah.
- Uh, where you go around here? - Oh, there's a couple bars down the road.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Lots of cute guys there? - Not really.