Roswell s03e11 Episode Script
I Married An Alien
I Married an Alien - Honey, the painters are here.
- That's funny.
Move, this crap is heavy.
JESSE: Hey, guys.
- Hey.
You sure you don't want me to stay and help out? - Actually, there are cans outside.
- But they can manage.
Right, our treat.
Seriously, it's a housewarming gift from us to you.
Yeah, and a wedding gift.
It's combined.
Don't be silly.
- The wedding gift will be separate.
- Of course it will.
It's very generous of you to take your Saturday to paint our apartment.
It won't take that long.
We're pretty fast.
ISABEL: Come on, you're gonna be late.
JESSE: Okay.
All right.
See you guys later.
Thanks.
No problem.
MICHAEL: You know, you could have probably done this yourself.
Right, Jesse would let his wife paint the apartment by herself.
You know what color you want? Tucson Ochre or New England Brick Red.
- Here we go.
ISABEL: I need to see it in this space.
So Max, you take ochre to that wall and Michael, you take red to that one.
Then I'll decide.
Maybe.
I'm exhausted.
I'm taking a break.
I like the ochre.
I don 't know what's gonna Oh, Nickelodeon's having a marathon of Bewitched.
My weekend's set.
Who are you and what have you done to Michael? Since he and Maria broke up, he's been getting into the tube.
It's getting pathetic.
This is the one where Samantha turns Darrin into a goose.
It's good.
- You need a hobby, man.
- What, like golf? Riding around in some stupid cart.
[KEYS JINGLING.]
ISABEL: Oh, Jesse! Oh, the wall.
JESSE: Hey, Isabel, it's me! Sorry, honey, there's a ladder in front of the door.
Hold on one second.
No, no, that's wrong.
It was a Navajo White.
- That's more eggshell.
- And I'm the one who needs a hobby? - Everything okay in there? - Yeah, it's fine.
It's fine.
Yeah, sorry.
Sorry.
Did you forget something? Yeah, my balls.
[LAUGHS.]
Were you guys just talking about me? That's a little paranoid, don't you think? The world doesn't revolve around you.
- It revolves around Michael.
- That's a fact.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
That was fun.
- She had it so easy.
MICHAEL: What are you talking about? Look beyond the surface and you'll see the truth.
She takes pride in her witchcraft and she's made to suffer in an uncaring, secular world.
She's a modern-day Athena.
I swear my head is gonna explode.
At least Darrin knew she was a witch.
She's not having to hide her powers from her own husband.
My life would be so much easier if Jesse could just know who I really am.
Yeah, that would be a classic show.
You could call it I Married An Alien.
Yeah.
[MUSIC PLAYS ON TV.]
Isabel, how many times do I have to tell you not to leave your alien orbs in the car? Sorry, dear.
Yeah, that would be some show.
[SOUND OF AUDIENCE APPLAUDING.]
Well, this is certainly no way to start a morning.
[SOUND OF AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
I think we'll have French toast and sausage.
JESSE: Isabel.
How many times do I have to tell you, no alien powers in the house.
Is that French toast? ISABEL: Mm-hmm.
Well, maybe just this once.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, honey.
Okay.
Here's this.
This time, I think I have really burnt it again.
I think there's something wrong with the stove.
- Well, the orange juice is perfect.
- Good.
Fresh-squeezed.
Okay.
Oh, it's 8:58.
Oh, God, I gotta go.
I'm before Judge Lingenfelter at 9: 15.
- Lf it was anyone else - I know, it's okay.
I need to study.
JESSE: I'll see you later.
ISABEL: Okay.
Hello.
[SOUND OF AUDIENCE APPLAUDING.]
- Hello, Kyle.
- Know what this is? - A carburetor? - No, it's a carbure - How'd you know that? - I'm a modern woman.
Right.
Anyway, it may look like a carburetor, but in reality, it's a gold mine.
- It's a little small for a gold mine.
- Yes.
But what if this were a special carburetor that made it possible for a car to get 300 miles to the gallon? - Kyle.
- Two hundred? You know Jesse doesn't like it when I use my powers in your get-rich-quick schemes.
Scheme? This isn't a scheme.
This is a gift to mankind.
Oh, well, then, if it's a gift, I suppose you won't be charging money for it.
Well, it's not a free gift.
[SOUND OF AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Why do you always come to me with these things? I couldn't figure it out and Toby's been on my ass all week.
I couldn't figure it out and Toby's been on my ass all week.
All it has to do is work.
It doesn't even have to work well.
All right.
Thank you.
- Hey, ho! - Morning.
[SOUND OF AUDIENCE APPLAUDING.]
Everyone doing fine? Lots of fun and laughs around the old Ramirez house? Good.
Now, where is that good-for-nothing boyfriend of mine? - Got me.
- I was just leaving.
Not so fast, Valenti.
- Okay, okay, he's on Neptune.
- Neptune? - He was just there last week.
- He's buying you a birthday present.
A present for me? What is it? What can someone buy on Neptune? How much is he gonna spend? Tell me everything.
So he wants to take me out for my birthday next week and I don't know.
- What's the harm? - The harm is that a birthday dinner by definition, is sentimental.
- Which leads to a good-night kiss.
Good-night kiss leads to sex.
I should write that down.
Anyway, the reason I'm here is my birthday is next week and I was kind of thinking I need some change.
Want me to lengthen your hair again? Maybe, you know, or maybe not.
Maybe I just want some color, some, like, highlights this time.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Maria, I am not your personal hair genie.
- Yes? - Hi, are you Isabel? - Yes.
ERIC: I'm Eric.
Eric Hughes.
- I'm Jesse's friend from Cornell.
- From Cornell.
Of course, come in.
Come in, I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
- Come in.
So, what are you doing here? Well, I just had a gig in Texas and I thought that New Mexico was next door, so Hi.
ISABEL: That's so great.
Jesse's gonna be so excited.
He was so disappointed you couldn't make the wedding.
- I'm sorry.
ISABEL: Don't worry.
- I had the best intentions.
I was on the road.
I was gonna drive straight through from Atlanta but I got this gig up in Saint Paul, then another gig in Chicago.
Oh, are you a musician? No.
I'm a reporter.
A reporter? - We should be - Leaving.
What a good idea.
Bye, Isabel.
Must say, I was surprised to hear that old Jesse was getting hitched.
You must be something out of the ordinary.
Me? No.
So how long will you be staying in Roswell? Until I find a story.
My editor's been driving me crazy.
I need a slam-bang piece of investigative journalism.
Something that knocks the lid off the place or else I gotta find another line of work.
You have to stay.
Jesse is so excited to see you.
He's always talking about the fraternity guys.
- It's all good, I hope.
- Well, he glosses over the good stuff.
Makes it sound like you spent all your free time discussing and studying Jungian philosophy.
ERIC: He must be a lawyer.
Well, I appreciate you letting me stay on the couch.
I won't get in the way.
Who knows, maybe while I'm here, I can get myself a story.
This is Roswell, after all.
So know where I can find any aliens? [LAUGHING.]
I got an e-mail from Keith.
He's gonna join the Peace Corps.
He's said that for years.
He doesn't like dirt.
How's he gonna dig wells for people? Incoming! Well, you can take the boys out of college - Sorry.
ERIC: Oh, my God.
I don't believe you guys still have this CD.
Prepare to enter the time machine.
- I think that's my cue to go to bed.
JESSE: Oh, it's early.
ISABEL: Early '90s, maybe.
No, thank you.
Good night.
- Good night.
ISABEL: Good night.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO.]
Just like the good old days, man.
Where's the bong? - She doesn't know I used to get high.
ERIC: What? What, you're keeping secrets from your wife? We're still getting to know each other.
Dude, you're supposed to do that before you get married.
In a perfect world.
Well, how many secrets you keeping from her? Not as many as she has.
- What? - Nothing.
- What? - Nothing.
Come on, dude.
Look who you're talking to.
Must I remind you of the notoriously infamous Kate Hopkins episode? And her monstrous, lacrosse-playing - Yeah, you saved my ass, I remember.
- Yeah, I did.
I don't know, man.
It's just It's just weird.
I feel like there's a part of her life she doesn't want to share.
I feel like there's a part of her life she doesn't want to share.
- Like what? - Like, I don't know.
Just every once in a while, something weird happens.
Like the other day, I'm fixing the icemaker.
I'm getting pissed off, I'm banging it and cursing, like that's gonna help.
She comes in and says, "Take a break.
" I'm headed to the bathroom and I glance back and her hand's on the icemaker.
- So? - So when I come back, it's fixed.
I mean, it works perfectly.
In my professional opinion, I'm gonna have to say that that is not a story.
Okay, fine.
Well, what about her brother Max? - He breaks my nose before our wedding.
- He broke your nose? Long story, tell you later.
But then he heals it with a steak the next day.
- What do you mean, a steak? - Like, a steak.
I mean, he completely heals a very broken nose in about 30 seconds.
It's just weird.
It's just really weird.
Huh.
Well, maybe Maybe she's an alien.
Jesse, man, you married one of the Roswell aliens.
[LAUGHING.]
It's like It's like I Dream of Jeannie for a new millennium, man.
Shut up, shut up.
[HUMMING "I DREAM OF JEANNIE" THEME SONG.]
- We're in trouble! - Why? - He wants to stay the night! - I wouldn't worry about it, dear.
A reporter, sleeping on our couch, is looking for the story of the century and I shouldn't worry about it? Sweetheart don't worry.
I promise, I won't use my powers while he's around.
Everything's going to be fine.
- Kind of late.
JESSE: I'm sorry.
- I didn't mean to wake you up.
- It's okay.
Did you two have fun? JESSE: Oh, yeah.
[LAUGHING.]
What? JESSE: Nothing.
It's just that Eric went off on this whole thing about writing a story.
A story about you being one of the Roswell aliens.
SAMANTHA [ON TV.]
: Darrin, I'm sorry.
DARRIN [ON TV.]
: Samantha, I want you to abdicate.
SAMANTHA: What? DARRIN: I want you to quit! SAMANTHA: But I can 't, I just - This is not funny anymore.
I'd ask what your problem is, Maxwell, but I really don't care.
- You have got to get a life.
- Thanks for the heartfelt advice.
- You can leave now.
- You've been queen for a day.
- That's enough! - I'm serious.
You're gonna rot what's left of your brain with this.
I'm showing an interest in the classics.
You're wallowing in self-pity.
This is my apartment.
If I wanna sit here and wallow, that's my business.
- Great, thanks! - Oh, yeah, that's my fault.
I'm out of here.
I'll see you later.
[SOUND OF AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
The place is a wreck, I know.
We'll clean it up when we get back, I swear.
Okay? - Come on, let's go.
We'll be late.
ERIC: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, I had an idea.
First time for everything.
I wanna write a story about you and Isabel.
It's a story about how two people marry in a hurry and have to do the getting-to-know-you stuff later.
Sounds boring to me.
But I'm gonna pitch it so it sounds great.
"Hotshot lawyer marries small-town girl after whirlwind romance.
" - My editor loves that crap.
- Our story is crap? It's good, solid, heartwarming crap.
I need your help.
I need to sell something.
[KNOCKS.]
I don't know that I really feel like being in a magazine right now.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, Max.
This is Eric, my friend.
- Eric, this is Max, my brother-in-law.
- Hi.
Oh, you're the guy with the special healing powers.
[SOUND OF AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Somebody wanna tell me what's going on? Max! You can't just go around turning people into dogs.
I won't be lectured by the descendant of an ape.
Max, change him back, please.
He seems to know our little secret.
How could that have happened? He doesn't know anything.
Unless, of course he's seen you flying around in the saucer again.
You go for one joyride and they never let you forget it.
Max, I don't want him to piddle on the carpet.
In a minute.
Speaking of the saucer Michael broke the cloaking device.
I parked in the basement.
- In the basement? - Am I talking too fast for you to follow? How did you get it in there? He used the time-space slipstream, dear.
- Duh.
JESSE: Great.
There's a reporter in the house with a flying saucer in the basement.
- Want me to take him to the pound? - Just change him back, please.
Oh, very well.
Nice to meet you.
JESSE: I'll see you later.
- Bye.
Have fun.
ERIC: Yes.
JESSE: See you.
ISABEL: Yeah, bye.
Have fun.
Yeah.
Jesse told him about the whole broken nose incident they've been yukking it up ever since about how I'm from a family of aliens.
You think that's funny? Yeah.
I mean, in an ironic sort of way.
They're kidding around.
If you make a big deal, it'll look suspicious.
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah, maybe.
What are you doing here? Inviting my sister to have a delicious hot breakfast before her first class.
My treat.
Where? - So when did you meet Isabel? - July 5th.
- Your birthday? - How's that for a present? They're gonna eat this thing up.
Hey, hey.
Did you bring enough for everyone? Where are my manners? Let me ask you this: Was she still jailbait when you met her? She was 18.
- Moron.
- Sorry.
MICHAEL: Yeah! Sorry.
Oh, fore! Fore, everybody! Fore.
Mr.
Evans, Jesse.
Hey, Michael, did you meet my friend Eric? - Oh, hey.
ERIC: Hi.
- I didn't know you played golf.
- Just starting.
Looking to get out of the house.
Did you see that shot off the golf cart? You don't see that every day.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess you're not a member of the country club.
Not officially.
Then you better stick with us.
MICHAEL: Cool.
We playing for money or what? You don't need a chaperone.
Liz's dad gave you the green light for you guys to be together.
I just don't want her dad to think I'm some loser who has nothing better to do than wait for Liz to get off work.
Must I make the obvious comment? Please don't.
LIZ: Max.
- Liz.
- Max.
MAX: Liz.
Can we get a table for two? Oh, certainly, Isabel.
You must be here to have breakfast with Max because he's certainly not here just to see me, are you, Max? Certainly not.
This way.
So how long have you known Max and Isabel? Long, long time.
We kind of gravitated toward each other in elementary.
You know, none of us had parents I was in the foster system.
- Slice.
- Picked your head up at the last minute.
Yeah, that's in the trees.
- You wanna take a mulligan? - No, I don't do drugs.
All right, you guys play ahead.
I gotta go find my ball.
ISABEL: I've been doing more thinking about this whole Bewitched idea.
MAX: You have? - Yes.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am it's in everyone's best interest to bring my Darrin in on the secret.
MAX: Mm-hmm.
ISABEL: Yeah.
I mean, as it is now, Jesse's a wild card.
For example, if he knew the secret, he'd know what to say and what not to say to his buddy, the reporter looking for a hot story.
- You have a point.
- Yeah.
Let me think about it.
Everything okay? Yeah.
Just talking about how easy things would be if we lived in a sitcom.
- Like Frasier? - More like My Favorite Martian.
- I'm thinking more like Bewitched.
JEFF: Liz? Didn't I tell you to stay away from my daughter? I'm just having breakfast with my sister.
See? Here she is, my sister.
- Say hi, sister.
- Hi, sister.
If I catch you with your hands on my daughter, why, I'II Gee, thanks, Mr.
Parker.
They're lovely.
- So that kid is an emancipated minor? - Yep.
Our firm handled the case.
Watch this, on the green in two.
Hey, do you think anyone would mind if I? What, got stoned on the fairway? Yes.
This is my father-in-law's private club.
Just go in the bushes like everyone else.
No one, and I mean no one, is going to print that.
Maybe not The New York Times, dude, but definitely the Post.
Come on, Eric, give me a break.
What? Look, I know what it sounds like, but I saw what I saw.
Yeah, okay.
What's up? Honey, you're gonna love this.
Go ahead, tell her.
Honey, you're gonna love this.
Go ahead, tell her.
You know your friend Michael? He waved his hand - It was like he had superpowers.
- Yeah, he had superpowers! [LAUGHING.]
All right, all kidding aside there's something strange about that kid.
I don't know if he's psychic or a space alien or what - Space alien.
but one thing is for sure.
Michael Guerin is definitely not of this world.
- You idiot.
MICHAEL: How could I know he was watching? - Maybe you shouldn't be using your powers to improve your golf game.
- I didn't think anyone was around.
- Well, that is a problem.
You didn't think.
Well, now you've really done it.
Eric wants to interview you.
What are you going to do? What if I fused his vocal cords together.
Then he couldn't say anything.
He's a writer.
He'll just write it down.
I could fuse his fingers together too.
That's not going to work.
- We need a real plan.
- I'll talk to him, okay? I'll think of something.
Why doesn't that give me confidence? - I can't believe this is happening.
- Will you relax? - I'm on it.
- On what? - What? - Are you talking to me? Who else would I be talking to? So you're on it? - On what? - Are you okay? - What? - What? - What? ISABEL & MICHAEL: What? I'm getting confused.
Can we just all take a minute, okay? Okay, what are you gonna tell Eric? - I'll think of something.
- What worries me more when you don't think or when you do? - You should be on a sitcom.
Hey, I was gonna say that.
- Don't talk to them.
- Let's just all hang up, okay? Michael, I'll see you in an hour.
Look, I know what I saw, Michael.
You saw me wave a magic wand and bend a tree.
No wand.
No, it was just your hand.
Let me ask you something.
What was really in the flask? - Scotch.
- What were you doing in the bushes? I was looking for a place to, you know, relieve myself.
Come on, you weren't? - A little.
- Yeah, right.
Dude, it wasn't like the fat ones you used to roll in the old days, all right? Ow! "In the old days"? Care to elaborate, Mr.
Ramirez? Not really, honey.
You know, it was college.
"Rah-rah, sis-boom-bah"? Nice typewriter.
- What is that, a G4? - No, it's just an old dinosaur.
Oh, don't tell me this.
- Sweetheart, can I see you outside? - Yeah, sure.
Technology.
Look, I stopped smoking a long time ago.
I don't care about that.
Get Eric to drop the story.
No more research, no more questions, no more digging into my past.
What's going on? It's just some stupid thing to get a byline.
No, it's more than that, all right? First he's asking me questions, then my friends.
Next, it's gonna be my parents.
I want it to stop, now.
- Why? - Because, okay? Because the past is something that I'm trying to leave behind.
Okay? It brings up a lot of issues for me.
Max and I were dumped in the desert as kids by our real parents.
What kind of people do that? What kind of family am I from? I don't wanna know the answer or even ask the question.
JESSE: Okay.
I'll take care of it, okay? ISABEL: Thank you.
JESSE: Do me a favor.
Drop the story on Isabel and me.
- Yeah.
Fine, whatever, man.
- Hey, I'm serious.
I'm serious too.
I hear you.
I'll drop the story.
Let me ask you something.
Am I insane or did Michael touch this computer before it crashed? Hey, you know something? You're right.
- You're insane.
- Well, this thing is totally screwed.
- Mind if I check my e-mail? - Go ahead.
I'm in court until 4.
- Look, you up for dinner later? - Do I have any other options? - Later.
- Good luck.
You know, all adoptions and foster records are supposed to be confidential.
I understand that.
I won't use your name and I won't quote you directly.
I'm researching Michael and I was wondering if you could help.
Was there anything unusual about Michael? No.
Well, there was this one incident in 1989.
Well, there was this one incident in 1989.
Right after the county placed him in his foster home.
He'd been there less than two days before we get this phone call about this unusual event.
An event? They said Michael made the kitchen table levitate off the floor.
About three feet off the floor.
That's a little odd for a 6-year-old.
Um, would that be in the county records? You think we're gonna put something like that in a government file? And to be honest with you, Michael's foster father he wasn't exactly reliable.
You know: Yeah.
Anything else? No.
I mean, other than the way he came to us.
You know, a little kid found just wandering out in the desert like that.
Wait, I thought Max and Isabel were the ones found wandering in the desert.
- They were.
About a week before.
Now, that, that's a story.
- I got my story.
No, I really got it.
JESSE: What is it? It's about three little kids found wandering in the desert.
Kids with special powers.
It's about Max, Michael and Isabel.
- You told me you were dropping this.
- Yeah, I did.
I swear to God I was going to, but then I get a call from a source who tells me about this social worker who's got a story.
She tells me that Michael Guerin was levitating tables at age 6.
- You don't believe that.
- Doesn't matter.
I don't have to.
I need credible sources.
Between the social worker and you, I got plenty.
- Me? - The broken nose incident with the meat.
- The icemaker incident.
JESSE: That wasn't for you to write.
ERIC: Dude, relax, I won't use your name.
Come on, Jesse.
This will be huge for me.
Don't you get it? Look, I've got mysteriously sealed records.
I've got anonymous sources.
This thing has "government conspiracy" written all over it.
- This story is gonna go national.
- Just wait, okay? Slow down.
What is the story? Max, Michael and Isabel they're the Roswell aliens.
- Oh, my God! JESSE: What? [STAMMERING.]
- Settle down.
- What's wrong? There is a spaceship in the basement! [SOUND OF AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
This is bad.
This is really bad.
This wouldn't have happened if you weren't careless.
Hey, it's not my fault.
Except for the part that is.
Well, what are we going to do? We'll have to find another planet to hide out on.
- Well, I like this planet.
- Me too.
Where else are you gonna find WHOPPERS and Big Macs? - Shut up.
- Shut up.
MICHAEL: You're both overreacting.
No serious magazine is gonna print that story.
Three alien kids in the desert, it's ridiculous.
The best he can do is get cash from a tabloid.
They're gonna plaster our faces all over the cover of The Enquirer.
MAX: It'll draw attention.
Even if people don't believe it, it'll make people think.
Fine, it's really bad and it's my fault.
You happy now? This isn't helping, Michael.
What are we gonna do? I have no idea.
- I'm awake.
ISABEL: Oh.
- It's late.
- Yeah, where have you been? I just went for a walk.
- Can I ask you something? - Sure.
Is there anything unusual about you? Anything I should know about? - Like what? - I don't know exactly, but just Some strange things have happened.
Things that I've tried to ignore, but I can't.
So I guess I'm asking do you have some kind of psychic ability? Psychic? I know how that sounds, but certain things just make me wonder.
Like what? Like our sex life.
Not that I'm complaining but sex with you is almost hallucinogenic.
Like I'm on acid or something.
I mean, not that I've ever done that.
But I'm just I don't know.
I mean, it's just weird.
I love it.
I love it, but it's definitely weird.
So are you ready for a little, uh? [SOUND OF AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
- Jesse, are you stoned? - I know, I'm such an idiot.
Psychic? Like Carrie? - Okay, stop.
- You sure you went to Harvard? Look, forget it, okay? Just forget it.
Turn off the light.
I feel stupid in the light.
But in the dark, it's okay to think that you're married to a witch.
Yes.
Turn it off.
Come on, turn it off.
- I can't believe I said that.
- Yeah.
If you think that sounded crazy, wait until you hear Eric's latest idea.
- What's that? - You're never gonna believe this.
He's actually got a story that sounds like you, Max and Michael are all the Roswell aliens.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
PHIL: The Roswell aliens? That's crazy.
He's just trying to make a sale.
I seriously doubt he even believes it himself.
So who is this social worker who fed him this nonsense about the kids having psychic powers? He wouldn't say.
Said he promised her anonymity.
I don't know how he even tracked this person down.
All those records are supposed to be kept under seal.
You know what? We might have her name.
Pull Michael's emancipation file.
It might have a list of his counselors over at County Services.
That's a good idea.
It's not here.
- What do you mean? JESSE: It's not here.
Unless it was misfiled or - You stole it! - Oh, come on, Jesse.
- I was gonna give it back tomorrow.
- You know what you did is a felony? - I could have you arrested.
ERIC: Hey, easy.
I know you're pissed off, but I'm just doing my job.
I'm a reporter.
It's a good story.
No, not anymore, it isn't.
- What is this? - An injunction.
Preventing you from attempting to sell any information based on illegal access to records protected by attorney-client privilege.
Sorry we had to do this to you.
But you really didn't leave us much choice.
BIRD: She's an alien! JESSE: So, what should we do with him? I'm thinking the pet store.
A nice little boy would love to take you home.
BIRD: I am not an animal.
I'm a human being.
Just keep telling yourself that.
I'll be back before for dinner.
BIRD: Damn it, Jim, I'm a reporter, not a parrot! - I don't believe this.
- Believe it.
Now, just pack your stuff and get out.
- What? - I asked you to drop the story.
And what did you do? You lied to me.
You knew you weren't going to let it go! - I'm sorry.
JESSE: Sorry? You looked me in the eye and told me one of your sources put you on to the social worker, when you stole it from my own office! All right, I screwed up! I admit it! I won't write the stupid alien story! But come on, Jesse.
It's you and me, man.
We go back.
Uh-uh.
You can insult me, you can hit me, you can do almost anything and usually I'll find a way to get over it.
But you can't lie to me in my own house.
You can't take advantage of my trust and my friendship! Now, I want you gone! Don't come back! None of this would be necessary if we could just tell the humans the truth.
Are you serious? These primates have barely mastered walking upright.
- They couldn't handle the truth.
- Jesse did just fine.
Yeah, he's a real genius.
Yeah, he's a real genius.
You're talking about my husband.
Must you remind me? - Lf it weren't for Jesse - Life would be much quieter.
And I would be miserable.
We're meant to be together, Max.
You're just going to have to accept that.
Isabel, it's bad enough you married one of them.
But remember that you're from a superior race of beings.
A race that has conquered space travel and stands head and shoulders above these primitive monkey children.
I found the problem with the spaceship.
My yo-yo was caught in the warp drive.
[SOUND OF AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Well, some of us stand a little taller than others.
- So Jesse saved the day.
- Yeah.
I know what you're gonna say.
That's twice now he's saved us and so now he's earned the right to know the truth.
And I don't necessarily disagree, but I think that No, Max, I'm really I'm really not pushing to tell him right now.
He was really mad.
I've never seen him so angry and he was angry because he was lied to by someone he trusted.
- You're his wife, he'll forgive you.
- Maybe.
But he'll never forget I lied.
It'll always be there between us.
I wanna tell him but I'm afraid to.
The problem is, I don't live in a sitcom.
You know, they get to wrap everything up all nice and neat.
Real life is complicated.
Can't sleep? I just I just keep thinking of your friend Eric.
I mean I just keep thinking of your friend Eric.
I mean you guys were really close for a long time.
Yeah.
Well, things change.
Don't worry.
I have other friends, okay? Besides, you are all that matters to me.
You're all I need.
So, what's the lesson, Isabel? Never trust one of your friends.
Never use your powers out in public, dear.
And never let Max park the spaceship in the basement.
- Promise? - Alien's honor.
Then come here.
Oh, you're all that matters to me.
You're all I need.
Oh, sweetheart.
[SOUND OF AUDIENCE APPLAUDING.]
- That's funny.
Move, this crap is heavy.
JESSE: Hey, guys.
- Hey.
You sure you don't want me to stay and help out? - Actually, there are cans outside.
- But they can manage.
Right, our treat.
Seriously, it's a housewarming gift from us to you.
Yeah, and a wedding gift.
It's combined.
Don't be silly.
- The wedding gift will be separate.
- Of course it will.
It's very generous of you to take your Saturday to paint our apartment.
It won't take that long.
We're pretty fast.
ISABEL: Come on, you're gonna be late.
JESSE: Okay.
All right.
See you guys later.
Thanks.
No problem.
MICHAEL: You know, you could have probably done this yourself.
Right, Jesse would let his wife paint the apartment by herself.
You know what color you want? Tucson Ochre or New England Brick Red.
- Here we go.
ISABEL: I need to see it in this space.
So Max, you take ochre to that wall and Michael, you take red to that one.
Then I'll decide.
Maybe.
I'm exhausted.
I'm taking a break.
I like the ochre.
I don 't know what's gonna Oh, Nickelodeon's having a marathon of Bewitched.
My weekend's set.
Who are you and what have you done to Michael? Since he and Maria broke up, he's been getting into the tube.
It's getting pathetic.
This is the one where Samantha turns Darrin into a goose.
It's good.
- You need a hobby, man.
- What, like golf? Riding around in some stupid cart.
[KEYS JINGLING.]
ISABEL: Oh, Jesse! Oh, the wall.
JESSE: Hey, Isabel, it's me! Sorry, honey, there's a ladder in front of the door.
Hold on one second.
No, no, that's wrong.
It was a Navajo White.
- That's more eggshell.
- And I'm the one who needs a hobby? - Everything okay in there? - Yeah, it's fine.
It's fine.
Yeah, sorry.
Sorry.
Did you forget something? Yeah, my balls.
[LAUGHS.]
Were you guys just talking about me? That's a little paranoid, don't you think? The world doesn't revolve around you.
- It revolves around Michael.
- That's a fact.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
That was fun.
- She had it so easy.
MICHAEL: What are you talking about? Look beyond the surface and you'll see the truth.
She takes pride in her witchcraft and she's made to suffer in an uncaring, secular world.
She's a modern-day Athena.
I swear my head is gonna explode.
At least Darrin knew she was a witch.
She's not having to hide her powers from her own husband.
My life would be so much easier if Jesse could just know who I really am.
Yeah, that would be a classic show.
You could call it I Married An Alien.
Yeah.
[MUSIC PLAYS ON TV.]
Isabel, how many times do I have to tell you not to leave your alien orbs in the car? Sorry, dear.
Yeah, that would be some show.
[SOUND OF AUDIENCE APPLAUDING.]
Well, this is certainly no way to start a morning.
[SOUND OF AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
I think we'll have French toast and sausage.
JESSE: Isabel.
How many times do I have to tell you, no alien powers in the house.
Is that French toast? ISABEL: Mm-hmm.
Well, maybe just this once.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, honey.
Okay.
Here's this.
This time, I think I have really burnt it again.
I think there's something wrong with the stove.
- Well, the orange juice is perfect.
- Good.
Fresh-squeezed.
Okay.
Oh, it's 8:58.
Oh, God, I gotta go.
I'm before Judge Lingenfelter at 9: 15.
- Lf it was anyone else - I know, it's okay.
I need to study.
JESSE: I'll see you later.
ISABEL: Okay.
Hello.
[SOUND OF AUDIENCE APPLAUDING.]
- Hello, Kyle.
- Know what this is? - A carburetor? - No, it's a carbure - How'd you know that? - I'm a modern woman.
Right.
Anyway, it may look like a carburetor, but in reality, it's a gold mine.
- It's a little small for a gold mine.
- Yes.
But what if this were a special carburetor that made it possible for a car to get 300 miles to the gallon? - Kyle.
- Two hundred? You know Jesse doesn't like it when I use my powers in your get-rich-quick schemes.
Scheme? This isn't a scheme.
This is a gift to mankind.
Oh, well, then, if it's a gift, I suppose you won't be charging money for it.
Well, it's not a free gift.
[SOUND OF AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Why do you always come to me with these things? I couldn't figure it out and Toby's been on my ass all week.
I couldn't figure it out and Toby's been on my ass all week.
All it has to do is work.
It doesn't even have to work well.
All right.
Thank you.
- Hey, ho! - Morning.
[SOUND OF AUDIENCE APPLAUDING.]
Everyone doing fine? Lots of fun and laughs around the old Ramirez house? Good.
Now, where is that good-for-nothing boyfriend of mine? - Got me.
- I was just leaving.
Not so fast, Valenti.
- Okay, okay, he's on Neptune.
- Neptune? - He was just there last week.
- He's buying you a birthday present.
A present for me? What is it? What can someone buy on Neptune? How much is he gonna spend? Tell me everything.
So he wants to take me out for my birthday next week and I don't know.
- What's the harm? - The harm is that a birthday dinner by definition, is sentimental.
- Which leads to a good-night kiss.
Good-night kiss leads to sex.
I should write that down.
Anyway, the reason I'm here is my birthday is next week and I was kind of thinking I need some change.
Want me to lengthen your hair again? Maybe, you know, or maybe not.
Maybe I just want some color, some, like, highlights this time.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Maria, I am not your personal hair genie.
- Yes? - Hi, are you Isabel? - Yes.
ERIC: I'm Eric.
Eric Hughes.
- I'm Jesse's friend from Cornell.
- From Cornell.
Of course, come in.
Come in, I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
- Come in.
So, what are you doing here? Well, I just had a gig in Texas and I thought that New Mexico was next door, so Hi.
ISABEL: That's so great.
Jesse's gonna be so excited.
He was so disappointed you couldn't make the wedding.
- I'm sorry.
ISABEL: Don't worry.
- I had the best intentions.
I was on the road.
I was gonna drive straight through from Atlanta but I got this gig up in Saint Paul, then another gig in Chicago.
Oh, are you a musician? No.
I'm a reporter.
A reporter? - We should be - Leaving.
What a good idea.
Bye, Isabel.
Must say, I was surprised to hear that old Jesse was getting hitched.
You must be something out of the ordinary.
Me? No.
So how long will you be staying in Roswell? Until I find a story.
My editor's been driving me crazy.
I need a slam-bang piece of investigative journalism.
Something that knocks the lid off the place or else I gotta find another line of work.
You have to stay.
Jesse is so excited to see you.
He's always talking about the fraternity guys.
- It's all good, I hope.
- Well, he glosses over the good stuff.
Makes it sound like you spent all your free time discussing and studying Jungian philosophy.
ERIC: He must be a lawyer.
Well, I appreciate you letting me stay on the couch.
I won't get in the way.
Who knows, maybe while I'm here, I can get myself a story.
This is Roswell, after all.
So know where I can find any aliens? [LAUGHING.]
I got an e-mail from Keith.
He's gonna join the Peace Corps.
He's said that for years.
He doesn't like dirt.
How's he gonna dig wells for people? Incoming! Well, you can take the boys out of college - Sorry.
ERIC: Oh, my God.
I don't believe you guys still have this CD.
Prepare to enter the time machine.
- I think that's my cue to go to bed.
JESSE: Oh, it's early.
ISABEL: Early '90s, maybe.
No, thank you.
Good night.
- Good night.
ISABEL: Good night.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO.]
Just like the good old days, man.
Where's the bong? - She doesn't know I used to get high.
ERIC: What? What, you're keeping secrets from your wife? We're still getting to know each other.
Dude, you're supposed to do that before you get married.
In a perfect world.
Well, how many secrets you keeping from her? Not as many as she has.
- What? - Nothing.
- What? - Nothing.
Come on, dude.
Look who you're talking to.
Must I remind you of the notoriously infamous Kate Hopkins episode? And her monstrous, lacrosse-playing - Yeah, you saved my ass, I remember.
- Yeah, I did.
I don't know, man.
It's just It's just weird.
I feel like there's a part of her life she doesn't want to share.
I feel like there's a part of her life she doesn't want to share.
- Like what? - Like, I don't know.
Just every once in a while, something weird happens.
Like the other day, I'm fixing the icemaker.
I'm getting pissed off, I'm banging it and cursing, like that's gonna help.
She comes in and says, "Take a break.
" I'm headed to the bathroom and I glance back and her hand's on the icemaker.
- So? - So when I come back, it's fixed.
I mean, it works perfectly.
In my professional opinion, I'm gonna have to say that that is not a story.
Okay, fine.
Well, what about her brother Max? - He breaks my nose before our wedding.
- He broke your nose? Long story, tell you later.
But then he heals it with a steak the next day.
- What do you mean, a steak? - Like, a steak.
I mean, he completely heals a very broken nose in about 30 seconds.
It's just weird.
It's just really weird.
Huh.
Well, maybe Maybe she's an alien.
Jesse, man, you married one of the Roswell aliens.
[LAUGHING.]
It's like It's like I Dream of Jeannie for a new millennium, man.
Shut up, shut up.
[HUMMING "I DREAM OF JEANNIE" THEME SONG.]
- We're in trouble! - Why? - He wants to stay the night! - I wouldn't worry about it, dear.
A reporter, sleeping on our couch, is looking for the story of the century and I shouldn't worry about it? Sweetheart don't worry.
I promise, I won't use my powers while he's around.
Everything's going to be fine.
- Kind of late.
JESSE: I'm sorry.
- I didn't mean to wake you up.
- It's okay.
Did you two have fun? JESSE: Oh, yeah.
[LAUGHING.]
What? JESSE: Nothing.
It's just that Eric went off on this whole thing about writing a story.
A story about you being one of the Roswell aliens.
SAMANTHA [ON TV.]
: Darrin, I'm sorry.
DARRIN [ON TV.]
: Samantha, I want you to abdicate.
SAMANTHA: What? DARRIN: I want you to quit! SAMANTHA: But I can 't, I just - This is not funny anymore.
I'd ask what your problem is, Maxwell, but I really don't care.
- You have got to get a life.
- Thanks for the heartfelt advice.
- You can leave now.
- You've been queen for a day.
- That's enough! - I'm serious.
You're gonna rot what's left of your brain with this.
I'm showing an interest in the classics.
You're wallowing in self-pity.
This is my apartment.
If I wanna sit here and wallow, that's my business.
- Great, thanks! - Oh, yeah, that's my fault.
I'm out of here.
I'll see you later.
[SOUND OF AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
The place is a wreck, I know.
We'll clean it up when we get back, I swear.
Okay? - Come on, let's go.
We'll be late.
ERIC: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, I had an idea.
First time for everything.
I wanna write a story about you and Isabel.
It's a story about how two people marry in a hurry and have to do the getting-to-know-you stuff later.
Sounds boring to me.
But I'm gonna pitch it so it sounds great.
"Hotshot lawyer marries small-town girl after whirlwind romance.
" - My editor loves that crap.
- Our story is crap? It's good, solid, heartwarming crap.
I need your help.
I need to sell something.
[KNOCKS.]
I don't know that I really feel like being in a magazine right now.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, Max.
This is Eric, my friend.
- Eric, this is Max, my brother-in-law.
- Hi.
Oh, you're the guy with the special healing powers.
[SOUND OF AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Somebody wanna tell me what's going on? Max! You can't just go around turning people into dogs.
I won't be lectured by the descendant of an ape.
Max, change him back, please.
He seems to know our little secret.
How could that have happened? He doesn't know anything.
Unless, of course he's seen you flying around in the saucer again.
You go for one joyride and they never let you forget it.
Max, I don't want him to piddle on the carpet.
In a minute.
Speaking of the saucer Michael broke the cloaking device.
I parked in the basement.
- In the basement? - Am I talking too fast for you to follow? How did you get it in there? He used the time-space slipstream, dear.
- Duh.
JESSE: Great.
There's a reporter in the house with a flying saucer in the basement.
- Want me to take him to the pound? - Just change him back, please.
Oh, very well.
Nice to meet you.
JESSE: I'll see you later.
- Bye.
Have fun.
ERIC: Yes.
JESSE: See you.
ISABEL: Yeah, bye.
Have fun.
Yeah.
Jesse told him about the whole broken nose incident they've been yukking it up ever since about how I'm from a family of aliens.
You think that's funny? Yeah.
I mean, in an ironic sort of way.
They're kidding around.
If you make a big deal, it'll look suspicious.
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah, maybe.
What are you doing here? Inviting my sister to have a delicious hot breakfast before her first class.
My treat.
Where? - So when did you meet Isabel? - July 5th.
- Your birthday? - How's that for a present? They're gonna eat this thing up.
Hey, hey.
Did you bring enough for everyone? Where are my manners? Let me ask you this: Was she still jailbait when you met her? She was 18.
- Moron.
- Sorry.
MICHAEL: Yeah! Sorry.
Oh, fore! Fore, everybody! Fore.
Mr.
Evans, Jesse.
Hey, Michael, did you meet my friend Eric? - Oh, hey.
ERIC: Hi.
- I didn't know you played golf.
- Just starting.
Looking to get out of the house.
Did you see that shot off the golf cart? You don't see that every day.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess you're not a member of the country club.
Not officially.
Then you better stick with us.
MICHAEL: Cool.
We playing for money or what? You don't need a chaperone.
Liz's dad gave you the green light for you guys to be together.
I just don't want her dad to think I'm some loser who has nothing better to do than wait for Liz to get off work.
Must I make the obvious comment? Please don't.
LIZ: Max.
- Liz.
- Max.
MAX: Liz.
Can we get a table for two? Oh, certainly, Isabel.
You must be here to have breakfast with Max because he's certainly not here just to see me, are you, Max? Certainly not.
This way.
So how long have you known Max and Isabel? Long, long time.
We kind of gravitated toward each other in elementary.
You know, none of us had parents I was in the foster system.
- Slice.
- Picked your head up at the last minute.
Yeah, that's in the trees.
- You wanna take a mulligan? - No, I don't do drugs.
All right, you guys play ahead.
I gotta go find my ball.
ISABEL: I've been doing more thinking about this whole Bewitched idea.
MAX: You have? - Yes.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am it's in everyone's best interest to bring my Darrin in on the secret.
MAX: Mm-hmm.
ISABEL: Yeah.
I mean, as it is now, Jesse's a wild card.
For example, if he knew the secret, he'd know what to say and what not to say to his buddy, the reporter looking for a hot story.
- You have a point.
- Yeah.
Let me think about it.
Everything okay? Yeah.
Just talking about how easy things would be if we lived in a sitcom.
- Like Frasier? - More like My Favorite Martian.
- I'm thinking more like Bewitched.
JEFF: Liz? Didn't I tell you to stay away from my daughter? I'm just having breakfast with my sister.
See? Here she is, my sister.
- Say hi, sister.
- Hi, sister.
If I catch you with your hands on my daughter, why, I'II Gee, thanks, Mr.
Parker.
They're lovely.
- So that kid is an emancipated minor? - Yep.
Our firm handled the case.
Watch this, on the green in two.
Hey, do you think anyone would mind if I? What, got stoned on the fairway? Yes.
This is my father-in-law's private club.
Just go in the bushes like everyone else.
No one, and I mean no one, is going to print that.
Maybe not The New York Times, dude, but definitely the Post.
Come on, Eric, give me a break.
What? Look, I know what it sounds like, but I saw what I saw.
Yeah, okay.
What's up? Honey, you're gonna love this.
Go ahead, tell her.
Honey, you're gonna love this.
Go ahead, tell her.
You know your friend Michael? He waved his hand - It was like he had superpowers.
- Yeah, he had superpowers! [LAUGHING.]
All right, all kidding aside there's something strange about that kid.
I don't know if he's psychic or a space alien or what - Space alien.
but one thing is for sure.
Michael Guerin is definitely not of this world.
- You idiot.
MICHAEL: How could I know he was watching? - Maybe you shouldn't be using your powers to improve your golf game.
- I didn't think anyone was around.
- Well, that is a problem.
You didn't think.
Well, now you've really done it.
Eric wants to interview you.
What are you going to do? What if I fused his vocal cords together.
Then he couldn't say anything.
He's a writer.
He'll just write it down.
I could fuse his fingers together too.
That's not going to work.
- We need a real plan.
- I'll talk to him, okay? I'll think of something.
Why doesn't that give me confidence? - I can't believe this is happening.
- Will you relax? - I'm on it.
- On what? - What? - Are you talking to me? Who else would I be talking to? So you're on it? - On what? - Are you okay? - What? - What? - What? ISABEL & MICHAEL: What? I'm getting confused.
Can we just all take a minute, okay? Okay, what are you gonna tell Eric? - I'll think of something.
- What worries me more when you don't think or when you do? - You should be on a sitcom.
Hey, I was gonna say that.
- Don't talk to them.
- Let's just all hang up, okay? Michael, I'll see you in an hour.
Look, I know what I saw, Michael.
You saw me wave a magic wand and bend a tree.
No wand.
No, it was just your hand.
Let me ask you something.
What was really in the flask? - Scotch.
- What were you doing in the bushes? I was looking for a place to, you know, relieve myself.
Come on, you weren't? - A little.
- Yeah, right.
Dude, it wasn't like the fat ones you used to roll in the old days, all right? Ow! "In the old days"? Care to elaborate, Mr.
Ramirez? Not really, honey.
You know, it was college.
"Rah-rah, sis-boom-bah"? Nice typewriter.
- What is that, a G4? - No, it's just an old dinosaur.
Oh, don't tell me this.
- Sweetheart, can I see you outside? - Yeah, sure.
Technology.
Look, I stopped smoking a long time ago.
I don't care about that.
Get Eric to drop the story.
No more research, no more questions, no more digging into my past.
What's going on? It's just some stupid thing to get a byline.
No, it's more than that, all right? First he's asking me questions, then my friends.
Next, it's gonna be my parents.
I want it to stop, now.
- Why? - Because, okay? Because the past is something that I'm trying to leave behind.
Okay? It brings up a lot of issues for me.
Max and I were dumped in the desert as kids by our real parents.
What kind of people do that? What kind of family am I from? I don't wanna know the answer or even ask the question.
JESSE: Okay.
I'll take care of it, okay? ISABEL: Thank you.
JESSE: Do me a favor.
Drop the story on Isabel and me.
- Yeah.
Fine, whatever, man.
- Hey, I'm serious.
I'm serious too.
I hear you.
I'll drop the story.
Let me ask you something.
Am I insane or did Michael touch this computer before it crashed? Hey, you know something? You're right.
- You're insane.
- Well, this thing is totally screwed.
- Mind if I check my e-mail? - Go ahead.
I'm in court until 4.
- Look, you up for dinner later? - Do I have any other options? - Later.
- Good luck.
You know, all adoptions and foster records are supposed to be confidential.
I understand that.
I won't use your name and I won't quote you directly.
I'm researching Michael and I was wondering if you could help.
Was there anything unusual about Michael? No.
Well, there was this one incident in 1989.
Well, there was this one incident in 1989.
Right after the county placed him in his foster home.
He'd been there less than two days before we get this phone call about this unusual event.
An event? They said Michael made the kitchen table levitate off the floor.
About three feet off the floor.
That's a little odd for a 6-year-old.
Um, would that be in the county records? You think we're gonna put something like that in a government file? And to be honest with you, Michael's foster father he wasn't exactly reliable.
You know: Yeah.
Anything else? No.
I mean, other than the way he came to us.
You know, a little kid found just wandering out in the desert like that.
Wait, I thought Max and Isabel were the ones found wandering in the desert.
- They were.
About a week before.
Now, that, that's a story.
- I got my story.
No, I really got it.
JESSE: What is it? It's about three little kids found wandering in the desert.
Kids with special powers.
It's about Max, Michael and Isabel.
- You told me you were dropping this.
- Yeah, I did.
I swear to God I was going to, but then I get a call from a source who tells me about this social worker who's got a story.
She tells me that Michael Guerin was levitating tables at age 6.
- You don't believe that.
- Doesn't matter.
I don't have to.
I need credible sources.
Between the social worker and you, I got plenty.
- Me? - The broken nose incident with the meat.
- The icemaker incident.
JESSE: That wasn't for you to write.
ERIC: Dude, relax, I won't use your name.
Come on, Jesse.
This will be huge for me.
Don't you get it? Look, I've got mysteriously sealed records.
I've got anonymous sources.
This thing has "government conspiracy" written all over it.
- This story is gonna go national.
- Just wait, okay? Slow down.
What is the story? Max, Michael and Isabel they're the Roswell aliens.
- Oh, my God! JESSE: What? [STAMMERING.]
- Settle down.
- What's wrong? There is a spaceship in the basement! [SOUND OF AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
This is bad.
This is really bad.
This wouldn't have happened if you weren't careless.
Hey, it's not my fault.
Except for the part that is.
Well, what are we going to do? We'll have to find another planet to hide out on.
- Well, I like this planet.
- Me too.
Where else are you gonna find WHOPPERS and Big Macs? - Shut up.
- Shut up.
MICHAEL: You're both overreacting.
No serious magazine is gonna print that story.
Three alien kids in the desert, it's ridiculous.
The best he can do is get cash from a tabloid.
They're gonna plaster our faces all over the cover of The Enquirer.
MAX: It'll draw attention.
Even if people don't believe it, it'll make people think.
Fine, it's really bad and it's my fault.
You happy now? This isn't helping, Michael.
What are we gonna do? I have no idea.
- I'm awake.
ISABEL: Oh.
- It's late.
- Yeah, where have you been? I just went for a walk.
- Can I ask you something? - Sure.
Is there anything unusual about you? Anything I should know about? - Like what? - I don't know exactly, but just Some strange things have happened.
Things that I've tried to ignore, but I can't.
So I guess I'm asking do you have some kind of psychic ability? Psychic? I know how that sounds, but certain things just make me wonder.
Like what? Like our sex life.
Not that I'm complaining but sex with you is almost hallucinogenic.
Like I'm on acid or something.
I mean, not that I've ever done that.
But I'm just I don't know.
I mean, it's just weird.
I love it.
I love it, but it's definitely weird.
So are you ready for a little, uh? [SOUND OF AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
- Jesse, are you stoned? - I know, I'm such an idiot.
Psychic? Like Carrie? - Okay, stop.
- You sure you went to Harvard? Look, forget it, okay? Just forget it.
Turn off the light.
I feel stupid in the light.
But in the dark, it's okay to think that you're married to a witch.
Yes.
Turn it off.
Come on, turn it off.
- I can't believe I said that.
- Yeah.
If you think that sounded crazy, wait until you hear Eric's latest idea.
- What's that? - You're never gonna believe this.
He's actually got a story that sounds like you, Max and Michael are all the Roswell aliens.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
PHIL: The Roswell aliens? That's crazy.
He's just trying to make a sale.
I seriously doubt he even believes it himself.
So who is this social worker who fed him this nonsense about the kids having psychic powers? He wouldn't say.
Said he promised her anonymity.
I don't know how he even tracked this person down.
All those records are supposed to be kept under seal.
You know what? We might have her name.
Pull Michael's emancipation file.
It might have a list of his counselors over at County Services.
That's a good idea.
It's not here.
- What do you mean? JESSE: It's not here.
Unless it was misfiled or - You stole it! - Oh, come on, Jesse.
- I was gonna give it back tomorrow.
- You know what you did is a felony? - I could have you arrested.
ERIC: Hey, easy.
I know you're pissed off, but I'm just doing my job.
I'm a reporter.
It's a good story.
No, not anymore, it isn't.
- What is this? - An injunction.
Preventing you from attempting to sell any information based on illegal access to records protected by attorney-client privilege.
Sorry we had to do this to you.
But you really didn't leave us much choice.
BIRD: She's an alien! JESSE: So, what should we do with him? I'm thinking the pet store.
A nice little boy would love to take you home.
BIRD: I am not an animal.
I'm a human being.
Just keep telling yourself that.
I'll be back before for dinner.
BIRD: Damn it, Jim, I'm a reporter, not a parrot! - I don't believe this.
- Believe it.
Now, just pack your stuff and get out.
- What? - I asked you to drop the story.
And what did you do? You lied to me.
You knew you weren't going to let it go! - I'm sorry.
JESSE: Sorry? You looked me in the eye and told me one of your sources put you on to the social worker, when you stole it from my own office! All right, I screwed up! I admit it! I won't write the stupid alien story! But come on, Jesse.
It's you and me, man.
We go back.
Uh-uh.
You can insult me, you can hit me, you can do almost anything and usually I'll find a way to get over it.
But you can't lie to me in my own house.
You can't take advantage of my trust and my friendship! Now, I want you gone! Don't come back! None of this would be necessary if we could just tell the humans the truth.
Are you serious? These primates have barely mastered walking upright.
- They couldn't handle the truth.
- Jesse did just fine.
Yeah, he's a real genius.
Yeah, he's a real genius.
You're talking about my husband.
Must you remind me? - Lf it weren't for Jesse - Life would be much quieter.
And I would be miserable.
We're meant to be together, Max.
You're just going to have to accept that.
Isabel, it's bad enough you married one of them.
But remember that you're from a superior race of beings.
A race that has conquered space travel and stands head and shoulders above these primitive monkey children.
I found the problem with the spaceship.
My yo-yo was caught in the warp drive.
[SOUND OF AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Well, some of us stand a little taller than others.
- So Jesse saved the day.
- Yeah.
I know what you're gonna say.
That's twice now he's saved us and so now he's earned the right to know the truth.
And I don't necessarily disagree, but I think that No, Max, I'm really I'm really not pushing to tell him right now.
He was really mad.
I've never seen him so angry and he was angry because he was lied to by someone he trusted.
- You're his wife, he'll forgive you.
- Maybe.
But he'll never forget I lied.
It'll always be there between us.
I wanna tell him but I'm afraid to.
The problem is, I don't live in a sitcom.
You know, they get to wrap everything up all nice and neat.
Real life is complicated.
Can't sleep? I just I just keep thinking of your friend Eric.
I mean I just keep thinking of your friend Eric.
I mean you guys were really close for a long time.
Yeah.
Well, things change.
Don't worry.
I have other friends, okay? Besides, you are all that matters to me.
You're all I need.
So, what's the lesson, Isabel? Never trust one of your friends.
Never use your powers out in public, dear.
And never let Max park the spaceship in the basement.
- Promise? - Alien's honor.
Then come here.
Oh, you're all that matters to me.
You're all I need.
Oh, sweetheart.
[SOUND OF AUDIENCE APPLAUDING.]