Scrubs s03e11 Episode Script

Hey, chocolate bear.
I didn't have time to shower.
Did you wax your dome? I sure did, why? - Thanks, pal.
- Uh-huh.
Hold up.
Chapped.
Easy, mooch, that stuff is 40 bucks a tin.
With hospital hours, you don't have time to worry about your appearance.
It may sound sexist, but with the female doctors, it's more noticeable.
Hey, Janice, is it windy out? No.
Why do you always ask me that? Because I'm captain of my kite flying team.
The Mighty Kites? OK, just say something innocuous.
Morning, gentlemen.
Most of them don't even bother trying, except, of course Hey, girlfriends.
How do you have time to look so good every morning? Oh, this? Yeah, it doesn't take long.
I guess everyone has their morning routines.
Hi, cutie.
Since you have so many balls and too many toys can be overstimulating for an infant, Brantley here was wondering if he could borrow one.
That's funny because Jack was just wondering why the crazy lady who spent the last hour chain smoking and talking on her cell phone while her kid ate sand would come over to two strangers and give them parenting advice.
He also thanked me for not naming him Brantley.
I love our family.
Married With Children? Awesome.
- Has Kelly been on yet? - Here she comes.
Hi, Daddy.
Where's Danni? We're gonna be late for our movie.
Stop.
Let me just go grab a sweater.
I love you.
- She's using the "L" word.
- We're not really that serious.
This isn't the movies.
I just wanted you to see this because if I move here, this would be the type of place we could afford.
- Out-of-body experience? - Yeah.
I have to break up with her.
Dude, relax.
Enjoy the show.
Have a Bugle.
Your ghost hands is cold.
I wanted to pretend I had witch nails.
- What? - Nothing.
I can't believe how comfortable I am talking to you over these last months.
I'd still be with my old shrink if I hadn't cut across the park when the fair was on and realised that the man I tell my secrets to likes to put on a big giant beard and pretend that he is a blacksmith.
Anyway, something weird has been going on with me lately.
I have been sleeping more, I have been drinking alone less.
I've even started complimenting people.
Come on, get your pump on.
God help me, if you get any more buff I'll be sure that you're gay.
I'm gonna get more buff.
Dr Cox never compliments me.
Well, he should.
Your new look has changed my perspective.
For instance, this is not a broom with fraying edges.
This is now a broom that reminds me of your bangs, tough and spunky.
That is exactly the look that I was going for.
Really? How about I give you a ride to your next destination? To the morgue! Watch it! So did you break up with her? I was going to but I looked in her eyes and I realised how rare it is to meet someone who's willing to have sex with me.
How did you have sex with her? You know how the couch in the living room has those high arms.
A guy will sleep with any woman he finds attractive, no matter how he feels about her.
If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 911 in the nude because my pants would be off.
That's sweet.
While your mother lays there dying.
- Tell her.
- His mom doesn't die.
Tyra uses her supermodel connections to get government scientists to put Turk's mom's brain into Heidi Klum's body.
She falls in love with me.
We all move in together.
It'd be awkward at first but I'd make it work.
- Because I love my mom.
- And I would love her too.
New low.
Mrs Gorski, I know shingles are never fun.
Apart from the games we made up on my parent's new roof.
It was like hide-and-seek only we'd throw shingles at each other.
Ah, summer time.
A positive attitude can help you feel better so let's see a big old smile.
Excuse me, can I borrow Dr Reid? You may keep her.
I like to think that our patients choose our hospital not only because I leak rumours about competing hospitals to the press, but also because when they see one of our doctors, they think, "Now that's a professional.
" I don't think I look unprofessional.
I've let this whole new look thing slide the last few months but now your colleagues are complaining, I'm going to give you the same advice I give my son every morning.
Lose the make-up, get a haircut and stop using my razor to shave your fun zone.
- I hate missing practice.
- Me too.
Mighty Kites.
Morning, class.
As residency director, it is my pleasure to have surgical and medical personnel with us today.
In this room we have enough brainpower to light up a city.
Not a real city, mind you, but definitely a tiny ant city whose government has passed stringent energy conservation laws.
Stringent what? Stringent up doc.
It's happening.
Yes, Nervous Guy? What's up doc? OK, people, biphasic defibrillators.
How many of you had a chance to practice on the mannequin? With the defibrillator? And I assume none of you have even looked at the literature? And I didn't do anything.
No yelling, no breaking stuff, nothing.
And right then, I figured out what that feeling was that I was having in the park with my family.
I'm happy.
Now does that not just make you sick? Keep your eyes on the prize.
Focus on how great it is to be single, chasing tail.
I miss it every day.
Don't you care if you ever have sex again? Baby, I'm trying to keep my man psyched.
JD's never broken up with anyone.
I don't like hurting people.
I'm gonna do the honourable thing.
I'm gonna have a fireman tell Danni I burned to death.
Bambi, you owe her closure.
Hell, you owe it to every woman you've ever dated.
Listen, Danni.
Lisa.
Drunk friend of the girl I really wanted to hook up with.
It's not all of you.
It's me.
Scott Gerber? At soccer camp, I told you I wanted to be more than friends.
- I thought you meant teammates.
- Well, I didn't.
He used to borrow my jersey and wear it as jammies.
Hey, Danni, it's me.
What are you up to? - I'm keeping busy.
- Great.
- Listen, something's been on my mind.
- Me, too.
I feel like my life is so scattered.
You're the only good thing I have going.
Awesome.
- How's he doing? - The boy's got no biscuits.
I am trying to break someone's heart here, OK? Do you have a second to talk? Actually, I'm kind of swamped right now.
Let me get back to you, OK? Elliot, What's wrong? - Forget it, you're busy.
- Come on.
I always have time for you.
Have the doctors been making fun of the way I look? What? I've never even heard anything like that.
Why? Hell, yeah.
Only the girl ones.
And, you know, they're all - Cat fight? - Sorry, Todd.
Let's try and be more careful when we use that noise, OK? God! I haven't been this happy since Christmas when I was seven and my father showed me how to make a snow angel.
Actually, he was passed out drunk in the yard but I did take his arms and his legs and move them back and forth and the paramedics said it was a great snow angel.
Maybe the fact that I am the kinder, gentler Cox is OK.
Maybe it's a natural progression.
It's not like there's any real ramifications.
Right? What the hell, Peter Pants? Are you the only one here? I drew the short straw.
I have to press "record" on all the tape players.
Of course you do.
But you don't expect me Where is everybody? They all had really important things to do.
Hello, citizens.
Welcome to Sacred Heart, home of the world's most giant doctor.
Be not afraid.
I'm just like you, except I'm giant.
My tush is chafing.
All right, my turn to get on top.
We tried playing Giant Black Guy, remember? People ran.
- Damn.
- And I gotta go deal with Danni.
- You want me to talk to her for you? - No.
If someone doesn't care enough to do it themselves it's like they never cared.
Hey, guys.
JD, Danni's breaking up with you.
Darn.
See you.
What? How many times do I have to tell you? Stop wearing my coat.
Sorry, about that, Chet.
Which is Chet's? We gotta put his coat back.
Oh, I think it's this one.
Look at the size of this Odor Eater.
We could surf on it.
I don't understand why Danni's breaking up with me.
OK, words cannot describe the smell that is currently on my cheek.
You wanna go back in just cos she rejected you? Who else is that crazy? Not one resident showed up.
Not one.
Would you like to know why? Because they're not scared of me any more and I blame you.
You have turned me into this soft, emotionally open, pathetic freak at home and it's bleeding over into work.
Happy birthday to you And many more.
Oh, my God! Happy birthday.
Oh, people, I've been here 23 years.
For the last time, I'm allergic to coconut.
Elliot, have you been in the supply closet crying? Carla, I don't do that any more.
Oh, my God, I look like Alice Cooper.
You know, I shouldn't have to feel bad for wanting to look good.
You don't, what with your bohemian scarves and pirate earrings.
Thank you for noticing.
It's different for nurses.
We're not judged for being feminine.
But if a doctor puts in too much effort the men won't take her seriously and the women will think she's showing them up.
It's a dumb stereotype.
You just have to decide if it's worth the hassle.
Laverne.
Good cake, though.
Hello? Your honker's cute in person, peephole not your friend.
Sorry, did I interrupt you from trying to eat your baby? Danni's not here.
Do you know how hard it was for me to come here? - Gotcha.
- Oh, God.
Not getting up until you come to your senses.
Get your coffee on, dawg.
Say what you want, those big round cheeks are warm in the morning.
- What? - I wanna know why she broke up with me.
Well, why don't you just ask her yourself.
Not cool.
Now there you go, sweetheart.
Now you look more like a doctor and less like a lap dance.
Thank you, sir.
Floor's wet.
I liked the way blonde-haired doctor looked.
She brightened my day.
But you don't care, do you? Because you're unconscious.
I'm pretty much thinking it's time to get the fear back.
Now I'm sorry, but I think life is just too short to spend it working someplace where people don't crap their pants at the sight of you.
OK, listen up, people, this part is crucial.
In order to use the biphasic defibrillator we have to Sorry I'm late.
Hey, Elliot.
Is it greasy outside? That is so stupid.
Elliot, you look smart.
- Hello? - Of course I'm smart, I'm a doctor.
What's up, doc! I just got it.
Maybe Danni thinks I'm too smart.
You're dating a guy named Danny? Is he hot? I know it's a cliché but sailors say it is the calm before the storm that lets you know the danger's coming.
First off, let me just say thank you.
For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollipops and, let's face it, mediocre metaphors.
You people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies.
And that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of.
Because you see, I am accountable.
I am accountable for the continuous, crashing, undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital, day in and day out.
And believe me, the next time one of you perpetual disappointments doesn't even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will toss your sorry ass out of here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever in the next five.
OK, Nervous Guy, bring that nervous butt up here, lose the shirt, we're gonna show these people how this thing works.
- Nice tan there, champ.
- Thanks.
Clear.
After Cox exploded at us, so many thoughts are racing through my head.
We have been slacking off lately.
How did Doug get such incredible abs? And what the hell is the deal with Danni? After you dressed up Rowdy, did you trim the clumpy areas around his butt? Yeah.
Thanks.
He was due for a good grooming.
- Look - Just tell me why.
- Your cell phone wasn't turned off.
- What? When you called me.
Actually, I'm swamped, Danni.
Sorry, I gotta go.
Elliot, what's wrong? Oh, forget it, you're busy.
Come on, I always have time for you.
That stupid phone.
That's how Turk found out I collect scarves.
You're still not over Elliot and until you are, no one's ever gonna have a chance to get close to you.
Right? That silence, that's you breaking up with me.
I finally broke up with someone.
- How are you doing, Elliot? - Great.
I spend my life in a place filled with misery and sickness.
If I need to feel good about myself, the hell with everybody.
I think you look beautiful.
I wouldn't change a thing.
I did tone down the eye make-up a bit.
Oh, thank God! You looked so slutty.
There.
All done.
I look hot.
Everybody has their own way of getting through the day.
For some, it's as simple as standing up for a friend.
And getting away with it.
For others, it's talking things out.
I know what you're thinking.
Believe me, I do.
Why would a civilized, uptown man of the millennium such as myself even go ahead and give a good rat's ass about whether a bunch of snot-nosed, baby docs were afraid of him, right? Well, unfortunately the only way I know how to teach is through fear.
And I tell you this because I know that this particular shortcoming will invariably affect your life.
And again, sorry about the gay sailor's outfit.
Your mother loves it.
She couldn't be more pleasant when you have it on.
Take it off, nut bag.
Put it on, pleasant, approachable.
As for me, if I'm not over Elliot, I might as well wait it out for the long haul.
But I'm not gonna ignore opportunity if it falls in my lap.
Hey, Sheila.
- Leave me alone.
- OK.
JD, let's get going.
Sean's calling me at home in ten minutes.
Oh, this is gonna suck.