Solar Opposites (2020) s03e11 Episode Script

Brenda, sweetheart,
would you like to say grace?
Wow, lucky girl.
Papa didn't let me say grace
until I was 35.
Bless us, O Lord and these
- Go green, go green.
- Hippos, hippos, hippos!
Jesus Christ!
What the hell is going on here?
We used the Come Alive ray to sci-fi
some Hungry Hungry Hippos
into IRL-like hungry hippos
and things got a little titsy.
Oh! Mine just ate an ugly vase.
That's ten points for pink.
- Those were my father's ashes.
- That means double points, boy.
Best game night ever!
It's way better than when we all got
diabetes from real life Candy Land.
What do you want? I'm gaming.
Hey, do we know a Pupa?
- Terry!
- Come on, man.
Oh. All right. Thanks for calling.
Jesus Christ.
All right, let's go, pink hippo.
- What was that?
- Nothing.
- The Pupa got arrested at the mall.
- What? We have to go save him!
Okay, I see how it is.
We only worry about the Pupa
when Terry's winning game night.
This is bullshit.
Planet Shlorp was
a perfect utopia until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right.
I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa.
Do you see me? This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
Why are there so many wildfires?
Where's your planet sized hose
so that we can just put everything out?
You should think
about building one of those.
So, yeah, the blue space
creature, AKA The Pupa
walked into the Claire's jewelry store
at 2:00 p.m.
and exited minutes later
with the stolen merchandise.
Earrings? What the hell?
He doesn't even have ears.
Or does he?
A Pupa would never steal anything.
Has his own Bubba Gump Shrimp
Platinum rewards MasterCard.
It must have been another Pupa.
I saw it all.
He stole sweet pearl earrings,
a body piercing gun
and three unicorn chokers.
Why are Principal Cooke
and Ms. Frankie here?
Your second job is driving
a forklift for the mob.
I've got a ton of jobs, kid.
Teacher, storm chaser, this,
plus I sniff luggage at the airport
for the DEA.
This little sack of fucks
has been running
a black market piercing ring at school.
Most of his customers
have gotten infections.
- Titties!
- I'm gonna hurl.
I was a child psychiatrist
before my crippling addiction
to celebrity feet forced me
into a career in civilian security.
Which is why I can tell you that this is
an out of control teenager situation.
This doesn't make any sense.
He's normally such a sweet
little supercomputer.
I mean, yes, he did kill a Robocop.
Yes, he'll one day terraform
a new planet destroying us all.
But, come on,
look at the cute little guy.
What the hell is wrong with you?
How could you do this to us?
We take our eyes off you
for two weeks to sci-fi some hippos
and this is how you repay us?
I am livid.
Wait. Is that a real word?
Well, then, I'm fucking livid.
Now, guys, let's take it easy here.
Maybe we just don't know Pupes
as well as we thought.
And I say it's livid time to find out.
Now he's gonna use livid
wrong for everything.
Rap music posters, a Game Gear,
The Twilight series?
These books are way too sexy for you.
Bag of weed.
A Harry Potter whistle
you turned into a bong.
SteelBook HD DVD of the Joker.
A mech suit that looks to be
some sort of conman businessperson.
- What could this be for?
- Why are you asking me? I don't know.
What the hell?
Are you stealing all this stuff, Pupa?
This isn't the Pupa we know and love.
Who even are you?
I wish I'd never been pupaed.
The mall cop was right.
The Pupa is an out of control
motherfucking teenager.
What are we going to do
with the Pupa?
No idea is a bad idea. Go.
He's a sensitive little dumpling.
- We should be nurturing him.
- Bad idea. Next.
Smash his head with a hammer
- and throw him in a quarry.
- As a backup. Next.
We shouldn't punish him.
We should learn from him
so we can steal stuff too.
I'm gonna start reading
sexy books and shit.
All these ideas suck.
He wants to be a teenager
then let's treat him so.
Pupa, as team leader,
I have come to a decision.
You shall be grounded
for one Earth month.
- Grounded?
- Yes, grounded.
Oh, no. It's going to be okay.
Korvo, you made him cry. Psychopath.
I didn't know It's the right thing
to do. He has to learn.
I told you he needed
to be nurtured.
Did the power go out?
I didn't save a backup for my
seven-part Animal Crossing fart fic.
I'm no Pupa expert, but even I know
he isn't supposed to be two colors.
You are the Pupa expert.
Thank you. I won't let you down.
Aisha, we have a problem.
Dang, Korvo, you melted again.
Your skin looks nasty.
What? I've been using
Ole Henrikson's Collagen Boosted True-C
Complex facial serum twice a day.
No, it's the Pupa.
He's all fucked up.
The Pupa is stuck between
powder blue and seafoam green.
No shit! But what does that mean?
You guys can't go one day
without being all,
"Aisha, this" and "Aisha, that.
Now you should help
"my wooden penis
that's stuck in the hyper drive."
It's not my fault
the thing has an oak shaped hole.
When the Pupa's pigment blinks yellow,
it means he's lost Wi-Fi signal.
When it's stalled between two colors,
it means his evolution has been tainted.
Of course, that makes sense
because the taint is between two things.
Like Shakespeare wrote,
"Taint thy balls. Taint thy butthole."
Okay, fess up. Who tainted the Pupa?
Don't look at me. I let him suck
on old batteries all the time.
- He should be healthy.
- It's probably society's fault.
Yes, I bet it's because of all
the human shit he's been doing.
He eats an insane number
of garlic knots,
and his only source of news
is cameos from Finn Wolfhard.
- And he watched the HD DVD 1
- KD master of Joker
and absorbed Todd Phillips' values.
Don't listen to them, Pupes.
You just need some TLC, don't ya?
Pupa is being a shit pebble.
He needs to be taught that
interrupting a life-sized
Hungry Hungry Hippo game
has consequences.
Grounding clearly wasn't enough.
So as punishment for stealing
all that stuff, you will paint the ship.
And smoke a pack of Marlboro Lights
with a pillowcase over your head.
- But the Pupa doesn't smoke.
- And now he never will again.
I don't like being the bad guy,
but you better paint that ship
before we return.
And I want all these cigarettes
smoked to the filter.
Guys, the orange hippo got into a Panera
and the cops shot him.
If we hurry, we can still save
green, pink and yellow.
Pupa, stay here and learn your lesson.
I'll hug you later.
Last one there is a rotten spore!
Yes! That counts.
Point for the Yumyu-lone Ranger.
Guys, is it me
or does the house look different?
Holy fuck, the ship is gone!
Is it crazy that I like it
without the ship?
Yes, it's crazy.
Where the fuck is the Pupa?
Pupa?
No way. Pupa got a Titan XL gaming chair
with Napa leather upholstery?
Where the hell is the ship?
And how did you get a PS7?
Those aren't even out yet.
You traded the ship to a witch
for a gaming setup, didn't you?
So what?
I didn't ask to get assigned to you.
Is anyone else weirded out that he's
suddenly talking in complete sentences?
I don't know what's up with you,
but we'll talk when I get back.
Terry and I have to go fight
a witch for our spaceship.
You two, make sure
he stays out of trouble.
You ready to face this witch?
I guess. We talk about her all the time,
but I never thought
we'd actually confront her.
Fuck, man. A witch?
- I'm scared.
- We need to marshal
all our firepower for an epic showdown
three seasons in the making.
Hopefully, the Disney Dark Lords
don't make us trim it
because this shit
is going to be wild.
- I'll tell you that much.
- Let's do this shit!
Man, who knew Brigga Balba
would be so nice and her home, lovely.
That little fountain
in her tea garden was so peaceful.
I was thinking the same thing.
We really had her pegged wrong.
All we had to do was lease
this rad pumpkin car
and buy Stella & Dot crap from her
to get the ship back.
It is not crap.
Look at my "I'm a girl boss"
chunky cufflink. That's on trend, baby.
Terry, do you hear that?
Whoo! All right!
An '80s movie-style rager?
Not in my house.
Hey, that's the turntable
I got for Passover
to mix ship noises with space sounds.
Where the hell are Jesse and Yumyulack?
Cannonball!
My turn!
Oh! Uh
To tell you that this is irresponsible.
You were supposed
to be watching the Pupa.
Yeah, and we watched him
throw an awesome party.
Okay, everyone out!
This is stupid. Whatever.
That's the last straw, Pupa.
How could you throw
a crazy '80s party without me?
You are super-duper-juluper grounded.
Yeah. Tell 'em, Terry.
I hate this. I'm the cool one who
bites off cheese instead of cutting it.
But you leave me no choice.
No more iPad. No more sexy books.
No more Hulu!
Look at him.
He's learning his lesson
so hard right now.
Maybe I am the Pupa expert.
What the hell?
I did not know that was an option.
Aw, he laid an apology egg.
Apology egg-cepted, Pupa.
Yeah, buddy.
- What the hell is that?
- Little Buddy.
Yeah, buddy.
Yeah, buddy.
How the hell am I supposed to punish him
when he's palling around
with a Little Buddy? Aw!
Shit! If we'd just smashed
Pupa's head,
thrown him in the quarry,
this wouldn't have happened.
We've done everything we can.
The Pupa isn't afraid of us.
We need someone
to whip Pupa into shape.
Someone with a heart of gold,
abs of steel,
and the calves of a hip-hop legend.
- We need
- Mark Wahlberg.
Mark Wahlberg has
a restraining order against us,
but military schools
should work just as well.
All right, maggots. I own you.
You're nothing but maggot shit
on the bottom of my shoe.
I will wipe your maggot asses
off the face of this earth.
- Do you understand me, maggots?
- Yes, sir.
At some point,
yelling maggots has diminishing returns.
I like it. I'm going to start
doing it at home, maggot.
Well, fuck me sideways.
In all my years of screaming at maggots,
I've never gotten to actually train
an honest-to-goddamn maggot.
What's your name, maggot?
I'm the Pupa.
Wrong. Your name is maggot.
- And what the hell are you?
- Little Buddy!
What in the almighty fuck
is a Little Buddy?
He yells an awful lot.
Aren't you worried this is going to be
too hard on the little guy?
We need someone hard
to set him straight.
Hey, you think these guys would want
to buy some Stella & Dot dog tags?
We have some delish
bespoke white gold necklaces.
- I'm telling you, I'm telling you.
- Shut up and get in the gourd, maggot!
Yeah, that works for your boy. Mmm!
Jesse, trust me.
This is the best thing for the Pupa.
He's gonna thank us later.
We'll have a laugh about it like
I bet he's already learnt
- What the hell was that?
- Pupa and Little Buddy!
How did they get out
of military school so fast?
They made friends
with that drill sergeant.
He was too charismatic.
People love his charm.
We should never have stopped for Terry
to hawk Stella & Dot
to that brunch club.
You can't talk to me like that. I'm 10k
away from being an associate ambassador.
Who's the Pupa expert now, bitch?
Look, Pupa. It's not that we're mad.
We're just so disappointed in you.
- You're better than this.
- We've tried everything.
Tough love, soft love,
crazy, stupid love.
We even had Courtney Love
watch Love Actually with you
- and nothing.
- You were acting bad before
but now with Little Buddy, it's worse.
Yeah, Little Buddy's a bad influence.
Little Buddy's the problem
because it's definitely not us.
Little buddy is my friend.
No, I forbid you from seeing
Little Buddy ever again.
- Get him.
- Give me that Little Buddy.
- Give him to me.
- To make sure he never returns,
I'm trapping him inside
a crystal paperweight.
Yeah, bu
No!
Now he can't give you bad ideas,
and keep our bills from flying away.
You know, Stella & Dot
has a dandelion paperweight
Jesus fuck, Terry.
It's a pyramid scheme.
All right, this is just a tantrum.
Let him tire himself out.
Pretty soon he'll be back to normal.
The Pupa exploded into a mist.
- It's not a mist.
- It's a fog.
No, it's more like a steam.
Whatever it is, we're trapped inside
and it smells like the Pupa's ass.
Great, what a classic teenager
way to act out.
Turning himself into a blanket of steam
over the town.
Pupa, you recombine into
your own physical form this instant.
You hear me, mister?
No, don't go that way.
There are monsters.
Great. Now he's making
monsters in the steam?
We should've gotten him into soccer.
I just saw a tentacle over there.
The Pupa is such a bad teenager,
God, I wish I could be like him.
No, he sucks.
Pupa, you're in a lot of trouble.
You better stop being steam this instant
or no more playing Roblox.
Is that steam monster
wearing a PewDiePie hoodie?
The Pupa's delinquency must be
manifesting as adolescent creatures.
Look out! There's one wearing
Tech fleece and listening to Future.
Hey, guys. Jeez, Ms. Frankie,
you work here, too?
"Oh, gee,
you work here too?"
Of course I don't, you idiot.
Not that it's any of your business,
but we're making Ossobuco for dinner.
It pairs well with a night
of consensual edging.
Okay, definitely seems like
they are teens.
Somebody needs to go and find out
what we're really dealing with here.
No, we don't.
These monsters are all over TikTok.
That Pacific garbage patch is huge.
These monsters are expressing
all the Pupa's bad teen behavior.
We better pray he's not an arson kid.
I think Pupa just needs a friend.
Maybe if we can get home
and release Little Buddy,
he'll stop misting himself.
Good point.
But if we let Little Buddy go,
all our bills might fly away.
What do we do? What do we do?
Come on. We can get to my car.
Who the fuck is this guy?
I'm Desmond.
- Quick, give me the breathalyzer.
- Here.
And also, wow, I'd like to hear
the story behind that.
Come on, .9 is my baseline.
- Who else can drive?
- Let me try.
2.8. Yes! Alcoholic high score.
I got this.
Wait! Sign my change.org petition
to help destigmatize cyber bullying.
Whatever, man.
- You just don't get it.
- Oh, God.
I'm not sus, you're sus.
Good laddie.
Oh, my God! Crap, I'm spinning off!
Oh, God.
Why did I get emotionally invested
in Desmond?
Tell my wife I refinanced our boat loan.
Okay, listen, if these
monsters are really teens,
maybe we can just say
things they don't like.
Did you clean your room?
It's working.
What did you do at school today?
Tell me about your classes.
I want to meet your friends.
Who's gonna accept
my Facebook friend request?
Release Little Buddy.
That'll calm the Pupa down.
This ray has no reverse mode?
Well, shit. I'm so sorry.
I didn't foresee that
we'd have to turn a paperweight back
- into a Little Buddy.
- No, no, no.
We have to get Little Buddy out of there
or we're screwed.
We can undo this, but it won't be easy.
Terry, go to the ship
and activate the diffractalyser,
which'll take at least 12 hours.
After that comes the really hard part.
Yeah, buddy!
My bills! Damn it!
I can't remember how much
I owe in dues to the WGA North
- for that whole Ted 3
- D fiasco.
Little Buddy, come back here!
You're supposed to help us.
The mist fog steam is still everywhere.
You a-holes better figure
something out real quick.
This isn't our fault.
Yeah, we did everything for the Pupa.
He just watched
too many violent video games
and read too many sexy books.
This is Hollywood's fault.
The Joker, the Joker.
Let's go get Todd Phillips
and sacrifice him to the steam.
Bet he lives in a Tony Stark style house
overlooking the bay.
Will you aliens shut the fuck up?
Venmo me.
I am so sick of listening to you
blame everyone else.
This is on you.
I ship a thick snack.
The Pupa wouldn't be acting like this
if he had some structure in his life.
He needs present, tangible role models.
We see this all the time.
- The problem starts at home.
- Home? But that's where we are.
Oh, my God, you are truly
the shittiest parents I have ever met.
Korvo has spent more time eating me out
than being involved
in the Pupa's education.
Exactly.
- Wait. What?
- Guess what?
You're fucking wrong.
Because we're not human parents.
The Pupa is a member of our team.
Do you feed him? Do you bathe him?
Do you lay in bed and worry
he's going to get run over by car
or kidnapped by a pervert?
No, I worry he's going to get kidnapped
by a car and run over by a pervert.
Now that I'm saying it out loud, yes.
Then, honey, you are parents.
All the Pupa does is watch you dumbasses
run around sci-fi-ing shit
with no consequences.
You are the bad influences.
He doesn't have to change.
You do.
Fuck that! It's not us.
Let's go kill Todd Phillips.
Let's get him!
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
We have to fix the ship.
We're out of Doritos.
Fuck you, Terry.
Guys, that supreme steam monster
sounds exactly like us.
Holy shit.
Were we the Todd Phillips all along?
I want to trap someone
in a paperweight.
Jeez, we suck.
I can't believe it. But these two
shallow side characters were right.
Regular Hungry Hungry Hippos. Ew!
Come on. We have to play now.
- Really?
- Yes.
This is fucking boring.
It was better when
we turned them into
Look! What's happening?
Pupa's reacting to us
being bland and normal.
- See?
- Oh, yeah, I guess it's working.
From this moment forward,
we have to change our ways.
So, no more awesome sci-fi stuff?
No, I think we have to cut
everything from our lives
that makes us a special,
unique, weird family
and basically sand
our whole situation down
so it's palatable to a broader,
more corporate approved audience.
I mean, the Pupa.
I signed up for a Mommy and Me
music class
with the Pupa three days a week,
then we'll go get no-sugar-added,
lactose-free froyo with the other moms.
Oh, my lilies, he's firming up.
What else can we do?
We could go back to school
and actually give a shit.
Keep goin', keep goin'.
Terry and I could get jobs.
Real ones. Not comedy writing
or firemen. Something in an office.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And a computer and a printer,
a receptionist named Gail I keep trying
to bang, but she won't let me.
We can do this for the Pupa.
- For the Pupa!
- For the Pupa!
You may find yourself
living in a shotgun shack
You may find yourself
in another part of the world
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel of a large automobile
You may find yourself
in a beautiful house
With a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself
Well, how did I get here?
Letting the days go by
Let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by
Water flowing underground
Into the blue again
I can't make heads or tails of these
mid-quarter distribution reports.
I think Jenkins ran the numbers wrong.
Well, he's Mr. Saurner's nephew,
so we'll just have to do it again.
Where have you guys been?
Dinner will be ready in ten.
We were at the library, again.
I have to write a 50-page paper
on the effects of beach erosion.
Can I please just borrow
the useless-homework ray once?
No, no rays in this house.
Yeah. Hello, Mr. Saurner.
You want to come over tonight?
Tonight's not good, actually.
Korvo has the shits.
Okay. That was Mr. Saurner.
He invited himself and his wife over.
They want veal Parmesan.
But I'm making ginger-glazed salmon
with a cucumber dill salad.
Well, now you're making
veal fucking Parmesan
and you have half an hour to do it,
or we'll get fired from our work job.
Are these really the stakes
of our lives now?
Remember when we saved humanity
from ice lava and Napadoodles
and fought over who had
more Christmas spirit?
I spent 14 minutes in heaven
with a jakey BTS.
Korvo turned into goo
and I had to fight
my ex-lover, Malcolm Gladwell.
Ah, those were the days.
We used to do so much
crazy sci-fi stuff.
I love you guys.
And I love Moana.
It's worth it, for the Pupa.
- For the Pupa.
- For the Pupa.
- Ah, fuck!
- Yeah, buddy.
God damn it!
Is Little Buddy
just gonna be, like,
around all the time now or something?
Yep. This is our life now.
Into the blue again
After the money's gone
Once in a lifetime
Water flowing underground
Same as it ever was
Same as it ever was
Same as it ever was
Look where my hand was
Time isn't holding up
Time isn't after us
Same as it ever was
Same as it ever was