Son of a Critch (2022) s03e11 Episode Script
Airing Out
1
[ALARM CLOCK BLARING]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): As a kid,
there's no day more special
than your birthday.
Fourteen!
I was a bona fide teenager
with one year's experience.
After 364 days of nothing special,
this was my chance to be
the centre of attention
for the entire day.
FOX: [SULTRY VOICE]
Happy birthday to you ♪
Happy birthday, Mister Criiiitch ♪
[WOLF WHISTLE FROM CROWD]
FOX: Happy birthday to you! ♪
[APPLAUSE]
CROWD: [CHANTING] Mark,
Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark !
Mark, Mark
Aw that's my boy.
That's no boy.
That's a man!
[CHANTING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES]
Good morning! The birthday boy is
here?
MIKE SR: Watch the door, now.
MARK: Oh heh.
MIKE SR: Where do you want this, Mary?
MARY: Put it anywhere.
Well, not there! Move it over here.
- [MIKE SR. SIGHS]
- ADULT MARK (V.O.): Every spring,
my family moved everything outside
so it could get some air on it.
- Pop! Will ya get your feet off this?
- Why?
The couch is dirtier than my shoes.
MARK: You might say that
it's a pretty special day?
Sure is, son.
Today's the day we air out the house!
Now, go get your bedclothes and
put 'em on the picnic table.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): The love seat
was getting more attention than I was.
POP: Well, well, well!
Ooh, it looks like you got
something pretty big today, huh?
Hah A real humdinger of a pimple!
What?!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): As if
everyone forgetting my birthday
wasn't bad enough, I'd sprouted
the Mount Vesuvius of zits.
No!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I could
only hope it would pop
as easily as my expectations.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Occupied!
POP: Poland wasn't occupied this long!
[BANGING ON DOOR]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Concealer!
Happy birthday to me!
POP: This bladder's 80 years old!
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
This was not as easy-breezy
as in the commercials.
As soon as it went on, it was
washed off by floods of flop sweat!
Nothing a little deodorant
wouldn't fix
POP: Oh, come on, lad!
[KNOCKING CONTINUES]
Oh, God!
Finally! Go on, get out!
- You're in the splash zone.
- Oh, God.
Ohh!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER]
What's wrong with your face?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Everything!
I don't know what you mean.
You've got white gunk on your forehead.
Oh.
Moisturizer.
You know, it's never too early
to take care of your skin.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): The deodorant
had dried, making it worse!
Here.
Happy birthday, nerd.
Thanks.
Exactly what I wanted.
MIDDLE FOX: Happy birthday, loser!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Getting "flakied."
A long-held birthday tradition.
There was only one thing worse
It's your birthday!
You know what that means
No
- KIDS: One
- ADULT MARK (V.O.): The bumps!
- Two, three
- One for every year of your life.
Suddenly having people
forget my birthday
didn't seem like such a bad thing.
MR. CHAFE: Happy birthday, Mark!
What?!
[COUNTING CONTINUES] Six, seven
MARY: Did you see the
look on Mark's face?
He thinks we forgot his birthday!
Sin. God, I love surprise parties!
Hey, I got the decorations.
I don't know if you wanted
neon green or neon orange,
- so I got both.
- Good God!
Is this a birthday party
or the coronation?
Shhh!
Where are the party hats?
Shoot, you know what?
Uh, I forgot to get 'em,
but I can go and pick 'em up
- when I grab Linda.
- Linda?
You're not going out on the town
on your brother's birthday?
No, no, no, she's coming to the party!
It's a family celebration.
I think what your mother
is trying to say
is that Linda seems very nice,
but you shouldn't feel obligated
to stay with someone in trouble,
if you're not the one
who troubled them.
I already told you guys,
I'm not the father.
Then stop playing like you are!
I'm not playing anything!
I'm not a kid, Mom!
Okay? And my girlfriend
is coming to the party,
or I'm not.
Great job on "The Talk."
Whoa!
Dude, that is angry!
I can't go back out like
this. I'm a monster!
Look, it's perfectly natural.
Hormones, they're raging inside of us.
Next comes body hair,
then mood swings, and, well you know.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I didn't know.
Yeah. Totally.
Oh, man
You haven't had The Talk yet?
My dad just gave it to me.
And dude, it was wild.
MR. PEREZ: As you become a man,
your body changes in
the following ten ways,
five of which are disgusting,
and two are terrifying.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- [SLIDES SWITCHING]
Ugh!
[TOILET FLUSHES]
MIDDLE FOX: Aw!
Did the wittle sooky
babies need The Talk?
So?
How else are we supposed
to know about puberty?
I know all about the
lady's bits and bobs.
The here and there of, uh them.
MIDDLE FOX: Meet me after school.
I'm gonna show you something
that'll blow your minds.
MIKE JR: Alright, on three.
One, two, three!
POP: Okay, good.
Bring it 'round here.
Good. A bit more, a bit more. Ah, good.
MIKE JR: What's this?
What?
Oh! My goodness, yeah.
Oh I thought these were long gone.
She was pretty cute!
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah, who is she?
- Sister Rose.
- Gross.
We must have been about your age.
- What happened?
- I was a fool. Hm.
We let other people pressure us
into walking away from
the ones we loved.
Your mom got to you, too, huh?
You follow your heart, son.
You don't want to end up when you're 80,
looking at old photographs
and wondering
what might have been.
[POIGNANT MUSIC]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Alone in
the woods with Fox's brother,
I couldn't help wondering
if this would turn out
to be my last birthday.
[FOLIAGE RUSTLING]
- Uh!
- Careful, it's dirty.
It's got mud all over it.
No, I mean the good kinda dirty.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): He was right.
It wasn't just a dirty magazine
it was a dirty magazine!
It's just a loaner.
Bring it back tomorrow.
I-I can't take this home!
What if someone sees?
- I'll take it!
- On the other hand,
I wouldn't wanna be rude
Then don't look at page 5!
[LAUGHS]
Happy birthday, kid.
[LAUGHS]
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
My first nudie magazine!
I couldn't wait to have
time to look through it
purely for educational
purposes, of course.
I needed the perfect hiding place.
Under the mattress?
Pop's water jug?
No.
Dean Martin's French Style.
The raciest thing I owned!
Until now.
[GASPS]
- Mark!
- ADULT MARK (V.O.): Busted!
I need to see you outside.
Now!
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
My dad hit the snooze button
on my sexual awakening.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
ALL: Surprise!
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
I should have known my family
wouldn't forget my big day.
I could feel my heart
beating deep in my zit.
MARY: Happy birthday, Mark!
DICK: Aw!
I loves a birthday!
You're burning these burgers to a crisp!
I mean, look, they're burgers,
not Joan of Arc!
Here, turn this one over.
And this one here is practically raw!
MARY: Oh, why don't
you have a seat, dear?
- I don't mind helping.
- Oh, nonsense!
What kind of hosts would we be
if we let the guests set the table?
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
I should have been grateful.
But for the first time,
I was more interested in
birthday suits than birthdays.
Oh oh, that's a shame. I think
we're all out of, uh, napkins.
I'll go in and sort it out.
- [FLAMES ROAR]
- MIKE SR: Good God!
Gotta move this thing along! I'm hungry!
MARY: So, Linda! How's your family?
Your mother, your father ?
The father?
Look, if you got something to say,
why don't you just come out and say it?
You want to talk?
Okay You are too young
to be getting this serious!
She they are not
your responsibility!
- That's none of your business!
- Oh, it is so my business,
because you live in my house, don't you?
She's got you there, b'y.
Pop understands!
He said I should follow my heart!
- You did what?
- Oh, come on.
I mean, it wasn't that long ago
when you were in their shoes.
I mean, I was against it at the time,
but everything turned out just fine.
Where is Mark with those napkins?
Oh, this is rich.
You've been looking down your
nose at me this whole time,
and we're the same, me and you.
MIKE SR: No, no, no. We got married.
Eventually.
You two that means that I-I'm
POP: A bastard, yes.
Mike, ya old dog, you!
Mind your own damn business, Dick!
You two are total hypocrites!
You don't get to talk about
me and Linda, ever!
We're just looking out for you.
That's right.
You're still young.
You can travel, you can
do things, have a life!
We don't want you to make
the same mistakes we made.
Mistakes?
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
- Oh, hey! Rain!
- Ohh!
- Oh!
- Oh, my God! Grab the cake!
MARY: God, my hair!
POP: Quick, quick, save me some icing!
Happy birthday to me!
- ALL: Happy birthday to ♪
- Uh, uh
What the flying friggity frig?!
Will you look at that?
Don't look at it!
- Look at it without looking at it!
- MARK: I just wanna say,
I'm as shocked as you are!
I've never seen that!
I just I just
POP: I'm not even old enough
to look at this. [LAUGHS]
Hey, hey, I told you to
stay out of my room!
I didn't go in your room!
- What?
- What?
False alarm.
MARY: My God, everyone in
this house is perverted!
MIKE JR: Yeah, you can say that again.
That's it.
- Mike! It is time for The Talk.
- Oh
No, anything but The Talk!
POP: Heh! Too late for
The Talk after this.
No, I mean, it couldn't be any clearer,
unless, of course, it was a pop-up book.
This is neither the time
nor place for this.
MARY: You never gave that one The Talk.
And look how he turned out.
I think he turned out just fine.
MARY: Well, if you don't mind,
this is a family discussion.
- POP: Disgusting.
- MIKE SR: Mary
POP: Really disgusting.
Wha what are you
Oh wow.
Uh, yeah, I'll hang onto this.
Just in case.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Just what I needed.
A sex talk from a man
who sleeps in a twin bed.
You're getting older now,
and there's a lot going on.
Everything's all
upset.
Your body is like a kettle.
And it heats to a certain point,
and then it sort of
goes off.
But you can't.
Any questions?
Hm.
Good. Tell your mother I just
told ya a bunch of stuff, alright?
Now, go on.
MARY: Do I have to do everything?
Sit!
This is a boy. This is a girl.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I don't
remember what she said,
or even what the orange was for.
I just longed to go back
to when I was 13
young and naive, and
still able to eat fruit.
Mike, go toss that pornography
into the trash.
Oh, no, you can't throw it out!
Fox's brother'll kill me!
A-ha! So that's who gave it to you!
No!
Dad !
MARY: That's right, Suzanne!
Your son brought a dirty
magazine to school.
Oh, you bet your arse
the principal's gonna hear about this!
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): On the bright side,
Sister Rose couldn't punish me.
You can't punish the dead.
What the frig were you thinking,
showing your ma that skin mag?
I didn't do it on purpose!
She just found it!
I knew I shouldn't have
given it to a baby.
No! Just
- Hey, what was that?
- Uh, um
What?
Just
You're so weird sometimes.
What?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): How
could I tell Fox I liked her?
She was about to find
out I was a pervert!
SISTER ROSE: It has come to my attention
that some of you have been
reading disgusting literature.
Pornography.
The devil's atlas.
Sick.
It certainly is.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I prayed
for the Earth to open
and drag me to hell
right then and there.
SISTER ROSE: Sexual immorality.
I won't say who it was,
but I was equally
shocked and not surprised.
So, you will all be having
a special lesson today
on sexual education.
FOX: We're watching a porno?
[LAUGHTER]
SISTER ROSE: It's natural to be curious.
Adam and Eve were curious.
And that curiosity led to shame.
Let that shame fuel
today's lesson, children.
Now, the girls, please follow me.
What about the boys?
SISTER ROSE: Father Garcia
will be talking with you.
God help us all.
Sister.
I know what you're thinking.
"What could Father Garcia
possibly know about sex?"
Well, I wasn't always a priest, nah!
In fact, this one time I met
this wild gal named Gloria
back when I was travelling
through Barth-e-lona.
Oh, yeah. [CHUCKLES]
She taught me more than just
how to order a "cervesa,"
if you know what I mean.
[CHUCKLES]
Ah
The two became one flesh
a bunch of times that week. Wow.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is
I know a thing or two about hormones!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Great. Even
the priest knew more about girls
than I did.
Three sex talks and I still
didn't know anything!
Oh!
My God, it smells fresher in
here than it does outside.
Wouldn't you say, Mike?
Mike ?
Enough of the silent treatment.
What is going on?
I know young Mike is making a mistake.
I just didn't know you thought
that we were a mistake.
What are you on about?
Of course we were a mistake.
Best mistake I ever made.
[CHUCKLES]
Did you see the way
she stood up for Mike?
"I think he turned out just fine!"
Seems like it was just yesterday
that was you and me.
Remember when we were
their age [GASPS]
Oh, the things we got up to!
[GIGGLES]
Oh, ew!
And here comes a constant reminder.
- I'm, uh, gonna drive Linda home.
- The hell you will!
- Mary, honey, just give it a rest, eh?
- I will not.
You know the rules.
Everyone in the family has to
clean up after themselves.
And seeing as you're in no
condition to carry furniture,
it's a good thing that there's a sink
full of dirty dishes over there
that need to be done.
Go on, the both of ya.
♪
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Another year older,
but no closer to love.
Why is it so hard to tell somebody
- Huh?
- A girl, that you like her?
Oh, uh
Love is complicated.
Sex? Sex, you can read about
that in any book, but
matters of the heart,
they will forever remain a mystery.
You see
when a man and a woman
like each other very much,
or they've been drinking
Pop! Eugh, not another "talk"!
- Look, do you want my advice?
- No!
Quit worrying.
You'll figure it out
when the time comes.
Like your dad did, and me,
and my father before me.
In the meantime
Happy belated birthday.
- Oh.
- Mm-hm.
Thanks, Pop.
- You can never have enough pens.
- Ah!
It's not just any pen.
This is an education.
Turn it upside down.
[INSPIRING MUSIC]
Heh
That's just on loan, yeah?
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): There are some
things you can't learn in school.
You'll learn them when you're ready.
The way nature intended.
Looking at my dad's skin
mags with my brother?
You're a total perv, Critch.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): By being mortified.
Secrets are funny things.
They can bring you closer
to the ones you love
[LAUGHS] I remember that!
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
They can also keep you apart.
But the weight of carrying
secrets lightens
when you share them.
SISTER ROSE: What's this?
Memories.
I thought they were lost.
Ah
[SISTER ROSE LAUGHS]
Oh, that was a long time ago.
POP: Seems like yesterday.
[SIGHS]
Look, I [CLEARS THROAT]
I know I left you high and
dry all those years ago,
but I just want you know
that there hasn't been a day
that's gone by when
I haven't thought about you.
[SIGHS]
God has a plan.
- Hm.
- I think things turned out for the best.
[POIGNANT MUSIC]
♪
[EXHALES]
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
It's good to ask questions.
It's good to clear the air.
♪
♪
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): But some things
should always remain private.
♪
♪
[DOOR SHUTS AND LOCKS]
♪
♪
♪
[ALARM CLOCK BLARING]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): As a kid,
there's no day more special
than your birthday.
Fourteen!
I was a bona fide teenager
with one year's experience.
After 364 days of nothing special,
this was my chance to be
the centre of attention
for the entire day.
FOX: [SULTRY VOICE]
Happy birthday to you ♪
Happy birthday, Mister Criiiitch ♪
[WOLF WHISTLE FROM CROWD]
FOX: Happy birthday to you! ♪
[APPLAUSE]
CROWD: [CHANTING] Mark,
Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark !
Mark, Mark
Aw that's my boy.
That's no boy.
That's a man!
[CHANTING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES]
Good morning! The birthday boy is
here?
MIKE SR: Watch the door, now.
MARK: Oh heh.
MIKE SR: Where do you want this, Mary?
MARY: Put it anywhere.
Well, not there! Move it over here.
- [MIKE SR. SIGHS]
- ADULT MARK (V.O.): Every spring,
my family moved everything outside
so it could get some air on it.
- Pop! Will ya get your feet off this?
- Why?
The couch is dirtier than my shoes.
MARK: You might say that
it's a pretty special day?
Sure is, son.
Today's the day we air out the house!
Now, go get your bedclothes and
put 'em on the picnic table.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): The love seat
was getting more attention than I was.
POP: Well, well, well!
Ooh, it looks like you got
something pretty big today, huh?
Hah A real humdinger of a pimple!
What?!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): As if
everyone forgetting my birthday
wasn't bad enough, I'd sprouted
the Mount Vesuvius of zits.
No!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I could
only hope it would pop
as easily as my expectations.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Occupied!
POP: Poland wasn't occupied this long!
[BANGING ON DOOR]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Concealer!
Happy birthday to me!
POP: This bladder's 80 years old!
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
This was not as easy-breezy
as in the commercials.
As soon as it went on, it was
washed off by floods of flop sweat!
Nothing a little deodorant
wouldn't fix
POP: Oh, come on, lad!
[KNOCKING CONTINUES]
Oh, God!
Finally! Go on, get out!
- You're in the splash zone.
- Oh, God.
Ohh!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER]
What's wrong with your face?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Everything!
I don't know what you mean.
You've got white gunk on your forehead.
Oh.
Moisturizer.
You know, it's never too early
to take care of your skin.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): The deodorant
had dried, making it worse!
Here.
Happy birthday, nerd.
Thanks.
Exactly what I wanted.
MIDDLE FOX: Happy birthday, loser!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Getting "flakied."
A long-held birthday tradition.
There was only one thing worse
It's your birthday!
You know what that means
No
- KIDS: One
- ADULT MARK (V.O.): The bumps!
- Two, three
- One for every year of your life.
Suddenly having people
forget my birthday
didn't seem like such a bad thing.
MR. CHAFE: Happy birthday, Mark!
What?!
[COUNTING CONTINUES] Six, seven
MARY: Did you see the
look on Mark's face?
He thinks we forgot his birthday!
Sin. God, I love surprise parties!
Hey, I got the decorations.
I don't know if you wanted
neon green or neon orange,
- so I got both.
- Good God!
Is this a birthday party
or the coronation?
Shhh!
Where are the party hats?
Shoot, you know what?
Uh, I forgot to get 'em,
but I can go and pick 'em up
- when I grab Linda.
- Linda?
You're not going out on the town
on your brother's birthday?
No, no, no, she's coming to the party!
It's a family celebration.
I think what your mother
is trying to say
is that Linda seems very nice,
but you shouldn't feel obligated
to stay with someone in trouble,
if you're not the one
who troubled them.
I already told you guys,
I'm not the father.
Then stop playing like you are!
I'm not playing anything!
I'm not a kid, Mom!
Okay? And my girlfriend
is coming to the party,
or I'm not.
Great job on "The Talk."
Whoa!
Dude, that is angry!
I can't go back out like
this. I'm a monster!
Look, it's perfectly natural.
Hormones, they're raging inside of us.
Next comes body hair,
then mood swings, and, well you know.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I didn't know.
Yeah. Totally.
Oh, man
You haven't had The Talk yet?
My dad just gave it to me.
And dude, it was wild.
MR. PEREZ: As you become a man,
your body changes in
the following ten ways,
five of which are disgusting,
and two are terrifying.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- [SLIDES SWITCHING]
Ugh!
[TOILET FLUSHES]
MIDDLE FOX: Aw!
Did the wittle sooky
babies need The Talk?
So?
How else are we supposed
to know about puberty?
I know all about the
lady's bits and bobs.
The here and there of, uh them.
MIDDLE FOX: Meet me after school.
I'm gonna show you something
that'll blow your minds.
MIKE JR: Alright, on three.
One, two, three!
POP: Okay, good.
Bring it 'round here.
Good. A bit more, a bit more. Ah, good.
MIKE JR: What's this?
What?
Oh! My goodness, yeah.
Oh I thought these were long gone.
She was pretty cute!
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah, who is she?
- Sister Rose.
- Gross.
We must have been about your age.
- What happened?
- I was a fool. Hm.
We let other people pressure us
into walking away from
the ones we loved.
Your mom got to you, too, huh?
You follow your heart, son.
You don't want to end up when you're 80,
looking at old photographs
and wondering
what might have been.
[POIGNANT MUSIC]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Alone in
the woods with Fox's brother,
I couldn't help wondering
if this would turn out
to be my last birthday.
[FOLIAGE RUSTLING]
- Uh!
- Careful, it's dirty.
It's got mud all over it.
No, I mean the good kinda dirty.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): He was right.
It wasn't just a dirty magazine
it was a dirty magazine!
It's just a loaner.
Bring it back tomorrow.
I-I can't take this home!
What if someone sees?
- I'll take it!
- On the other hand,
I wouldn't wanna be rude
Then don't look at page 5!
[LAUGHS]
Happy birthday, kid.
[LAUGHS]
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
My first nudie magazine!
I couldn't wait to have
time to look through it
purely for educational
purposes, of course.
I needed the perfect hiding place.
Under the mattress?
Pop's water jug?
No.
Dean Martin's French Style.
The raciest thing I owned!
Until now.
[GASPS]
- Mark!
- ADULT MARK (V.O.): Busted!
I need to see you outside.
Now!
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
My dad hit the snooze button
on my sexual awakening.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
ALL: Surprise!
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
I should have known my family
wouldn't forget my big day.
I could feel my heart
beating deep in my zit.
MARY: Happy birthday, Mark!
DICK: Aw!
I loves a birthday!
You're burning these burgers to a crisp!
I mean, look, they're burgers,
not Joan of Arc!
Here, turn this one over.
And this one here is practically raw!
MARY: Oh, why don't
you have a seat, dear?
- I don't mind helping.
- Oh, nonsense!
What kind of hosts would we be
if we let the guests set the table?
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
I should have been grateful.
But for the first time,
I was more interested in
birthday suits than birthdays.
Oh oh, that's a shame. I think
we're all out of, uh, napkins.
I'll go in and sort it out.
- [FLAMES ROAR]
- MIKE SR: Good God!
Gotta move this thing along! I'm hungry!
MARY: So, Linda! How's your family?
Your mother, your father ?
The father?
Look, if you got something to say,
why don't you just come out and say it?
You want to talk?
Okay You are too young
to be getting this serious!
She they are not
your responsibility!
- That's none of your business!
- Oh, it is so my business,
because you live in my house, don't you?
She's got you there, b'y.
Pop understands!
He said I should follow my heart!
- You did what?
- Oh, come on.
I mean, it wasn't that long ago
when you were in their shoes.
I mean, I was against it at the time,
but everything turned out just fine.
Where is Mark with those napkins?
Oh, this is rich.
You've been looking down your
nose at me this whole time,
and we're the same, me and you.
MIKE SR: No, no, no. We got married.
Eventually.
You two that means that I-I'm
POP: A bastard, yes.
Mike, ya old dog, you!
Mind your own damn business, Dick!
You two are total hypocrites!
You don't get to talk about
me and Linda, ever!
We're just looking out for you.
That's right.
You're still young.
You can travel, you can
do things, have a life!
We don't want you to make
the same mistakes we made.
Mistakes?
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
- Oh, hey! Rain!
- Ohh!
- Oh!
- Oh, my God! Grab the cake!
MARY: God, my hair!
POP: Quick, quick, save me some icing!
Happy birthday to me!
- ALL: Happy birthday to ♪
- Uh, uh
What the flying friggity frig?!
Will you look at that?
Don't look at it!
- Look at it without looking at it!
- MARK: I just wanna say,
I'm as shocked as you are!
I've never seen that!
I just I just
POP: I'm not even old enough
to look at this. [LAUGHS]
Hey, hey, I told you to
stay out of my room!
I didn't go in your room!
- What?
- What?
False alarm.
MARY: My God, everyone in
this house is perverted!
MIKE JR: Yeah, you can say that again.
That's it.
- Mike! It is time for The Talk.
- Oh
No, anything but The Talk!
POP: Heh! Too late for
The Talk after this.
No, I mean, it couldn't be any clearer,
unless, of course, it was a pop-up book.
This is neither the time
nor place for this.
MARY: You never gave that one The Talk.
And look how he turned out.
I think he turned out just fine.
MARY: Well, if you don't mind,
this is a family discussion.
- POP: Disgusting.
- MIKE SR: Mary
POP: Really disgusting.
Wha what are you
Oh wow.
Uh, yeah, I'll hang onto this.
Just in case.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Just what I needed.
A sex talk from a man
who sleeps in a twin bed.
You're getting older now,
and there's a lot going on.
Everything's all
upset.
Your body is like a kettle.
And it heats to a certain point,
and then it sort of
goes off.
But you can't.
Any questions?
Hm.
Good. Tell your mother I just
told ya a bunch of stuff, alright?
Now, go on.
MARY: Do I have to do everything?
Sit!
This is a boy. This is a girl.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I don't
remember what she said,
or even what the orange was for.
I just longed to go back
to when I was 13
young and naive, and
still able to eat fruit.
Mike, go toss that pornography
into the trash.
Oh, no, you can't throw it out!
Fox's brother'll kill me!
A-ha! So that's who gave it to you!
No!
Dad !
MARY: That's right, Suzanne!
Your son brought a dirty
magazine to school.
Oh, you bet your arse
the principal's gonna hear about this!
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): On the bright side,
Sister Rose couldn't punish me.
You can't punish the dead.
What the frig were you thinking,
showing your ma that skin mag?
I didn't do it on purpose!
She just found it!
I knew I shouldn't have
given it to a baby.
No! Just
- Hey, what was that?
- Uh, um
What?
Just
You're so weird sometimes.
What?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): How
could I tell Fox I liked her?
She was about to find
out I was a pervert!
SISTER ROSE: It has come to my attention
that some of you have been
reading disgusting literature.
Pornography.
The devil's atlas.
Sick.
It certainly is.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I prayed
for the Earth to open
and drag me to hell
right then and there.
SISTER ROSE: Sexual immorality.
I won't say who it was,
but I was equally
shocked and not surprised.
So, you will all be having
a special lesson today
on sexual education.
FOX: We're watching a porno?
[LAUGHTER]
SISTER ROSE: It's natural to be curious.
Adam and Eve were curious.
And that curiosity led to shame.
Let that shame fuel
today's lesson, children.
Now, the girls, please follow me.
What about the boys?
SISTER ROSE: Father Garcia
will be talking with you.
God help us all.
Sister.
I know what you're thinking.
"What could Father Garcia
possibly know about sex?"
Well, I wasn't always a priest, nah!
In fact, this one time I met
this wild gal named Gloria
back when I was travelling
through Barth-e-lona.
Oh, yeah. [CHUCKLES]
She taught me more than just
how to order a "cervesa,"
if you know what I mean.
[CHUCKLES]
Ah
The two became one flesh
a bunch of times that week. Wow.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is
I know a thing or two about hormones!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Great. Even
the priest knew more about girls
than I did.
Three sex talks and I still
didn't know anything!
Oh!
My God, it smells fresher in
here than it does outside.
Wouldn't you say, Mike?
Mike ?
Enough of the silent treatment.
What is going on?
I know young Mike is making a mistake.
I just didn't know you thought
that we were a mistake.
What are you on about?
Of course we were a mistake.
Best mistake I ever made.
[CHUCKLES]
Did you see the way
she stood up for Mike?
"I think he turned out just fine!"
Seems like it was just yesterday
that was you and me.
Remember when we were
their age [GASPS]
Oh, the things we got up to!
[GIGGLES]
Oh, ew!
And here comes a constant reminder.
- I'm, uh, gonna drive Linda home.
- The hell you will!
- Mary, honey, just give it a rest, eh?
- I will not.
You know the rules.
Everyone in the family has to
clean up after themselves.
And seeing as you're in no
condition to carry furniture,
it's a good thing that there's a sink
full of dirty dishes over there
that need to be done.
Go on, the both of ya.
♪
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Another year older,
but no closer to love.
Why is it so hard to tell somebody
- Huh?
- A girl, that you like her?
Oh, uh
Love is complicated.
Sex? Sex, you can read about
that in any book, but
matters of the heart,
they will forever remain a mystery.
You see
when a man and a woman
like each other very much,
or they've been drinking
Pop! Eugh, not another "talk"!
- Look, do you want my advice?
- No!
Quit worrying.
You'll figure it out
when the time comes.
Like your dad did, and me,
and my father before me.
In the meantime
Happy belated birthday.
- Oh.
- Mm-hm.
Thanks, Pop.
- You can never have enough pens.
- Ah!
It's not just any pen.
This is an education.
Turn it upside down.
[INSPIRING MUSIC]
Heh
That's just on loan, yeah?
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): There are some
things you can't learn in school.
You'll learn them when you're ready.
The way nature intended.
Looking at my dad's skin
mags with my brother?
You're a total perv, Critch.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): By being mortified.
Secrets are funny things.
They can bring you closer
to the ones you love
[LAUGHS] I remember that!
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
They can also keep you apart.
But the weight of carrying
secrets lightens
when you share them.
SISTER ROSE: What's this?
Memories.
I thought they were lost.
Ah
[SISTER ROSE LAUGHS]
Oh, that was a long time ago.
POP: Seems like yesterday.
[SIGHS]
Look, I [CLEARS THROAT]
I know I left you high and
dry all those years ago,
but I just want you know
that there hasn't been a day
that's gone by when
I haven't thought about you.
[SIGHS]
God has a plan.
- Hm.
- I think things turned out for the best.
[POIGNANT MUSIC]
♪
[EXHALES]
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
It's good to ask questions.
It's good to clear the air.
♪
♪
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): But some things
should always remain private.
♪
♪
[DOOR SHUTS AND LOCKS]
♪
♪
♪