Speechless (2016) s03e11 Episode Script
H-- HEY, YOU
1 Good session, JJ.
Sorry I kept spilling on you, but I am worthless before my soup.
[ DOOR OPENS .]
KENNETH: [ CHUCKLES .]
Hi, DiMeos.
[ TENDERLY .]
Hey, you.
See you all next week.
[ DOOR OPENS .]
MAYA: Kenneth.
We all had a family meeting with our eyes a second ago, and we're all in agreement that has to stop.
What does? Saying "hey, you" like that to anyone you've briefly dated.
As a rule, we'd like to keep the hyper-sexualized greetings to a minimum.
If I have to follow the rule, you should, too.
Okay.
I said it one time.
[ TENDERLY .]
Hey, you.
Hey, you.
Hey, you.
I have a life.
I have needs.
Call me romantic.
Nobody's calling you romantic.
No one's calling you romantic.
But when I've been with someone, it means something to me.
[ TENDERLY .]
"Hey, you" [ GAGS .]
[ NORMAL VOICE .]
is my tip of the cap to a beautiful experience.
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
[ TENDERLY .]
Hey, you.
What? You're the only one with a history? Captions by VITAC Romance! Your next film is going to be a romance from the 12th century tale of "Tristan and Isol" [ SOBS .]
Forget it.
I got dumped, and I need to feel good again.
Sue me.
What? "How strictly are you defining romance?" You may not make a movie about the romance between a killer and their weapon.
[ SIGHS .]
Your film must make me believe in love again.
Anything less will get an "F.
" You have one hour.
[ GASPING, MURMURING .]
Listen to me, I sound just like Jamie.
[ VOICE BREAKING .]
Take your time.
[ NORMAL VOICE .]
Take your time.
MAYA: Hello, prospective investors.
We are two mums of kids with disabilities, and we are starting a business for people like us.
Here's a fascinating statistic about the adaptive-clothing industry.
Blah, blah, blah.
Shocking, right? I had no idea.
But what I do know is, insert completely improvised yet heartfelt anecdote about parenting.
But why tell you about our amazing products when we can just show you? [ CLOTHES RIP .]
Whoa! I did not see that coming.
And I loved it! [ BOTH SCREAM, LAUGH .]
It worked.
It worked.
Amazing, right? And I remembered to wear clothes underneath this time.
Okay, let's talk about market strategies, competition analysis, and a design and development plan.
Oh, Melanie, you are a godsend.
No, you're the godsend.
I mean, when John left, I thought my life was over.
And now I have a friend, a dream, and no fewer than six tear-away business suits.
Not a great use of our capital.
Hmm.
Oh, shoot.
I got to go get Logan from school.
Kenneth can go and get him.
Can he? I-Is Kenneth something you can lend your friends like a "Mad Men" DVD set? Did you specifically use that as an example because you've borrowed our "Mad Men" DVD set and have as yet to give it back? I'll go get Logan.
A romance? Where do we even start? "We could draw on our own romantic pasts.
" [ BOTH LAUGH .]
Yeah.
[ SIGHS .]
You know, if you're looking for romance, you should've seen me in the planetarium earlier.
This girl, Izzy, came in, and we had insane chemistry.
And how does this help us with our movie? You need to cast Izzy and me as the leads.
We'll fall in love, and you'll get the best on-screen romance since a certain Harry met the Hendersons.
Sound like a plan? Sure.
[ SLAPS TABLE .]
I'm excited, too, guys.
[ ROCK CHORD PLAYS .]
Whoa! All those years, we have not lost the sound.
Or the look.
- [ CHUCKLES .]
- Wore these in '92.
I had them altered.
- Yeah.
- [ SNORTS .]
Hey.
We got the sound and the look.
I think we should gig.
Come on.
We're grown-ups now.
It'd be pathetic.
This This is just for us.
Yeah, you're right.
That was a cheap escape we needed when we were young because we had nothing else.
We were broke, lived in crappy houses.
We hated our jobs.
Yeah, remember those days? - Anyhoo, "Satisfaction.
" - Yes.
[ DRUMSTICKS CLACKING .]
I can't get no Satisfaction 'Cause I try And I try And I try AND I TRY DYLAN: Whoa.
[ MUSIC STOPS .]
You guys are amazing.
Really? Yeah, I guess we kind of are.
Don't.
Jimmy doesn't need adoration.
No, no, no, no, no.
Let her finish.
What was that song? Uh, it's called "Satisfaction.
" And you wrote it? Yes.
Yes, I did.
Jimmy, come on.
Wewrote it.
We wrote it.
You want this one? Yeah.
Oh.
You must be Izzy.
You're game to be in the movie? Actually, I have no interest in leaving my comfort zone, and I would not like to be in the movie.
That was acting.
[ DOOR OPENS .]
Hey, now! Oh, is that Penn and Teller over there? 'Cause it looks like we're about to make some magic.
Oh, yeah, and, uh, one of us doesn't talk.
[ LAUGHS .]
[ CHUCKLES .]
Can I, uh, talk to you over here for a sec? [ QUIETLY .]
Don't you ever one-up me again, especially in front of Izzy.
Sorry? No, I-I'm sorry.
Same team.
Thank you so much for casting me and Izzy.
Yeah.
[ LOUDER .]
Shall we begin? Yes.
Uh "Izzy, you obviously know Ray.
" Who's Ray? I'm Ray.
From the planetarium? You accidentally sat on my lap.
It was charming and hilarious.
Oh, that was a boy? Your scream sounds like a girl's.
Play your cards right, you'll hear that girlish scream again.
Why would I want that? Hmm, this is so us.
[ DOOR OPENS .]
Hey.
Well, there you are! And there you are! Did you send in the contracts? No.
What about the projections? Whoopsie.
Melanie, what's wrong? Where's the focus and drive[ DOOR OPENS .]
that's gonna make me a thousand-aire? Ah, hi, Maya.
Oh, hi.
[ TENDERLY .]
Hey, you.
Would you excuse me? [ SCREAMS .]
[ CLOTHES RIP .]
[ EXHALES SHARPLY .]
[ SIGHS .]
Joyce, now Melanie.
Am I the only woman who has entered this house that you haven't defiled? Jealousy is not a good color on you.
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew! You'll ruin her.
Or she gets better.
That Statue of Liberty? No-good drunk when I found her.
That's a true story.
Relax, Maya.
You're so worried about your little business.
I can promise you nothing's going to get in the way.
Listen, I got to pick up Taylor.
Ooh.
Mango juice? So thirsty.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Mmm.
What a bizarre manifestation of sexuality.
AARON: All right.
Let's see your chemistry.
This is the scene where you two fall in love.
He's talking about the characters, of course.
Aaron, do you know how that sounded? [ CHUCKLES .]
"This was a mistake.
Action.
" The only trophy that matters to me is the magazine writer standing in front of me.
Kiss me.
I really don't want to.
Uh, the line's, uh, "What took you so long?" Yeah, but the book I read said I can't act something that doesn't feel true.
"Was that book 'How to Get Fired'?" Okay, uh We have options.
Let's find a version of Ray that you have chemistry with.
Makeover montage! Is that a version? 'Cause I don't like it.
[ ROCK CHORD PLAYS .]
You guys, I can't get your song out of my head.
That's nice to hear.
If you like that, maybe you'd like one of our original songs Anotherone of our original songs.
Shall we play our protest song, boys? "Draft Dodger"! 1, 2, 3, 4! Uncle Sam Don't ship me off to fight in And here we would name some countries where there might be a war going on, But really, it was an era of unprecedented peace Stop, stop.
That song makes me want to become emancipated.
But "Satisfaction's" a winner.
You guys should do shows.
All right.
"Satisfaction.
" Here we go.
[ SNOOTILY .]
I am the world's first trillionaire.
But as my butler said No.
[ NORMAL VOICE .]
It's like the Sarge said.
Who cares if you're the world's best sniper if It's like the Wolfman said Who cares if you're the best vampire in the world if you don't have love? Kiss me.
Cut.
"Sorry.
What is the problem?" I think the problem's the script.
He says, "Great feedback.
Come over for a re-write tonight.
Can't wait.
" Okay.
I've got a lot of stuff to go over.
Let's get down to business.
Music to my ears.
I've run the numbers.
Kenneth has over 600 Facebook friends.
550 of those are women.
Now, okay, see, here's where it gets interesting.
Of the 14 Tiffanys, 6 of them work at the same Dry Bar, 4 of them have real '80s hair.
Could we just get down to work?[ DOOR OPENS .]
It's just Yeah.
[ TENDERLY .]
Hey, you.
[ CHUCKLES .]
You [ NORMAL VOICE .]
Big business meeting, huh? Uh, what time do you figure you'll break? Probably around dinner.
See, it was just that, um, I had a little picnic plan brewing.
- Aww.
- You know what? Just take the rest of the day off.
You seem a bit distracted.
You don't mind? Go on.
Yeah, have fun.
Thank you, partner.
[ CHUCKLES .]
Okay.
[ DOOR CLOSES .]
Maya, thanks for being cool.
Are we good? You know what? It's fine.
I mean, her ex has the kids this weekend, so we'll just work then.
Ooh, about that.
I was cooking up a surprise getaway.
Well, I support that.
Yeah? Yeah.
Just don't take Melanie.
[ PAPERS RUSTLE .]
I'm sorry.
You can't.
[ PAPERS HIT TABLE .]
I can't? You said this wasn't gonna get in the way, and it is in the way.
You cannot have her.
Oh, well, we will just see about that.
Yeah, we will.
Okay, then.
I guess I'll just borrow a picnic basket and go.
Get out! [ GROWLS .]
Are you sure we're allowed to practice here? The janitors owed me a favor.
Following up on that later.
A band with such a fresh, new sound deserves a respectable practice space.
Look, Dylan.
The truth is [ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS .]
Oh, no.
Where did all these kids come from? [ SIGHS .]
Dylan, seriously, we're grown men.
We're not playing for a bunch of [ ROCK CHORD PLAYS .]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
I was so sure I wasn't going to do it.
That rocked! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES .]
We're gonna do another one now called "Draft Dodger" Screw it! This one's called "Born to Run.
" 1, 2, 3, 4! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
"Layla.
" "Baba O'Riley.
" We call this one "Side Two of Abbey Road.
" [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
Thank you so much.
We're gonna take a short break.
We'll be right back.
Oh, Daddy, you're here.
Dylan's dad? This is my dad, Todd.
He's a record company executive.
I told him that he should sign you.
Their songs are, like, instant classics.
How does that first one go? Um I-I can't get no satisfaction.
I can't get no satisfaction, so forth.
And they're great performers, too.
Uh, do that dance you do during the song.
Something like that.
What do you think, Dad? I think they're fantastic.
And if I hadn't just signed a similar act, we'd be begging to work with you.
[ GROANS .]
T-Thank you.
That is really very generous.
Uh, before I go, uh, I was wondering if any of you want to play a song I wrote called "Smells Like Teen Spirit.
" Sure.
Check out what Daddy wrote, Addie.
Izzy's parking.
Let's fix this movie.
Come on, man.
Just write a script that makes me look awesome and makes her fall in love with me.
You can do it.
You're a creative genius.
[ KNOCKS ON DOOR .]
- Hello.
- Izzy! All right.
Time to salvage this terrible script.
How lucky you found a women in business conference this weekend.
I know.
What are the chances? I should tell you that, at times, it will feel like a dog show.
Hmm.
MELANIE: It's too bad.
Kenneth was disappointed when I told him I was leaving town.
Oh, he knows our business comes first.
And you know, regarding Kenneth, there are a few things that you should know.
[ DOOR OPENS .]
He Is right here.
[ SPITS .]
Hey, you.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
It feels like we're playing Wembley! Soak it up, guys, because tonight, for these kids, we are the greatest band in the world.
I want to sing one.
I'm tired of backing you guys up.
But you can't sing.
And you can't play guitar, but it doesn't stop you.
Easy, guys.
Let's Let's just play.
This is all so small-minded.
I'm out of here.
Come on, babe.
Who is she?! Forget it.
Uh, "Free Fallin'.
" Ah, let's do something fresher.
"Wonderwall.
" Uh, new guy, that's not really our sound.
Well, "Free Fallin'" isn't your sound either.
You stole it from John Mellencamp.
[ ALL GASP .]
No, no, don't look that up.
No, put your phones away.
It's Tom Petty.
Also, yeah, dude, it's Tom Petty.
You're a music exec? JJ, we are banging our heads against a wall here, man.
Izzy, you hungry? What do you say to some of my famous braciole? No.
I love our banter.
JJ, you should use this in the script.
"I'm going to get some fresh air.
You enjoy.
" I'm too tired to stand.
"Wow, sounds tough.
" Right.
That was terrible.
Um I shouldn't talk at all.
Oh, God, I made it worse.
Uh, "Come on.
I have an idea.
" [ WHEELS RATTLING .]
Izzy: Okay.
"Maybe a car hits her, and he saves her.
" No.
Why is this so hard? You seem to understand human behavior in your other movies.
[ RATTLING STOPS .]
"You saw my movies?" Yeah.
They're great.
"I'm suddenly very open to your input.
" [ CHUCKLES .]
Well, I don't know what to do.
I'm no good at connecting with people.
I once had a lizard I got close to.
"Was he a football star or a war hero?" No.
Oh, you're being charming.
Write him like that.
He should be real, not perfect, someone who has a hard time putting themselves out there but does it anyway.
And he doesn't have to save her life, you know.
In these movies, it's more about, like, a touch, and they feel a connection.
You write scary well.
Pretend like you're scared.
[ GASPS .]
How sweet.
- [ CHUCKLES .]
- Did you guys plan this? [ LAUGHS .]
Uh, pretty much.
Such a fun surprise.
Ooh, let me go freshen up.
[ CHUCKLES .]
How dare you come here and ruin our weekend.
You only brought her here to ruin myweekend.
You just don't want me to be happy.
This is about our business, and it cannot survive with you interfering.
She's gonna have to choose.
Yeah.
Yeah, either a lifetime of ripping off pants or your dumb adaptive-clothing line.
Oh, you had to Tiffany yourself up, didn't you? Melanie, we need to talk, all of us.
Are you two breaking up with me? [ CHUCKLES .]
Don't be ridiculous.
Oh, absolutely not.
But we do need you to break up with one of us.
[ LAUGHS .]
- Yeah.
- Wait, what? Melanie, we both care about you so much, but sharing you just isn't working out.
So we need you to pick one of us.
- Me.
- Oh, please.
Let the woman whose life was in shambles before she met me think.
Wow.
Look, I'm just getting to know both of you.
And now you want me to pick one or the other? I'm sorry.
I choose neither.
No, see, no, you have to choose one.
Sweetheart, I know you're mad.
It's just Life's hard, and it felt good to get some glory, just for one brief moment.
I'm sorry.
Can you forgive me? Do you have anything to say for yourself? [ SIGHS .]
Well, I think what happened is, you thought we wrote "Satisfaction," so I lied and said I did.
And that felt great.
And then a bunch of your friends thought we wrote "Satisfaction.
" Then we got caught, and then I bought chocolate milk, and now we're here, yeah.
- So no takeaway? - [ SLURPING .]
Not really, no.
No, I think I'm just an idiot.
Well, I guess you could say that we lived dangerously, we paid the price, and we we survived to tell the tale.
And that is what rock 'n' roll is all about.
Now, see, that feels like a takeaway.
I learned nothing, and I would do it again.
In fact, do you have any friends who weren't here tonight but also don't know a lot about music? The track team? The track team.
Right in front of me all this time.
Come on.
Why can't you be more like her? And she chose neither of us.
It's over.
You didn't even fight for her? [ SCOFFS .]
As the lead in a romantic comedy, I know you cannot take no for an answer.
"Actually, Izzy pointed out that trope has a really toxic message.
" "Don't take no for an answer.
" I like it.
Yeah.
Impress her.
Win a karate tournament.
Become a billionaire and save the dumb dock where her dad works.
What was I thinking? Melanie and I are meant to be together.
I'm gonna stop talking to my diverse sidekicks and go and get the girl.
Where are you going? To get more mango juice.
Good luck getting Melanie back, Mom! You're blocking me in! Then I guess I'll get there first! [ CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES .]
Maya, get out.
I'm winning her back, and I'm not taking no for an answer.
Do you have any idea how toxic that trope is? [ ENGINE STARTS .]
We need to talk.
Shh! It's the library.
I've been quiet long enough.
I didn't go looking for this, but I felt something last night.
Don't listen to him.
He's just going to hurt you.
Shh! I have to work so hard to be understood, but you just saw me.
It was scary.
IZZY: Oh.
Should I leave you alone? That scares me even more.
Wow.
That was really good.
Um, should I kiss him? [ VOICE BREAKING .]
Where did you find this girl? Yes! Kenneth, I understand why you're upset.
I mean, I know you like Melanie.
But you have to understand With JJ going away to college next year Maya, this isn't about you.
Are you sure? Feels like it is.
You know why you've never seen me in a relationship? Because ever since I met you, my whole life has been about you and your family.
But who cares.
In Maya-land, nothing exists outside of the DiMeos.
Well, I get to have something, too.
Oh, Kenneth, I can really see how you feel.
[ GEAR SHIFT CLICKS .]
Maya! Come on! I gave you a ride, lady! Let me have this! [ LOCK CLICKS .]
What are you doing here? Melanie, you are an amazing woman, and you deserve to have an equally amazing partner.
Now, maybe we can work this out where you don't have to choose between me or Kenneth.
But if you have to choose Can you hear my voice at this level? Choose Kenneth.
Really? But you're still mad at him.
Well, I mean, things got weird.
But, you know, I like how he dresses like it's summer all year round.
And I love how he sings what he needs to tell you when he could Just bloody say it But, I mean, what I like best about him is that he's kind and he's fantastic with my son and he has a very, very big heart.
And he really likes you, Melanie.
Well, shouldn't he be telling me all this? I'm the one sacrificing you, so I didn't want him coming in here and messing it all up.
Plus, I wanted the big moment.
[ SIGHS .]
Please forgive him, and I promise I won't interfere anymore.
[ SWEETLY .]
Hey, you.
Oh, God, you heard.
You're so special to me [ CLEARS THROAT .]
[ NORMAL VOICE .]
Oh.
Oh, right.
[ CHUCKLES .]
Ew.
Sorry I kept spilling on you, but I am worthless before my soup.
[ DOOR OPENS .]
KENNETH: [ CHUCKLES .]
Hi, DiMeos.
[ TENDERLY .]
Hey, you.
See you all next week.
[ DOOR OPENS .]
MAYA: Kenneth.
We all had a family meeting with our eyes a second ago, and we're all in agreement that has to stop.
What does? Saying "hey, you" like that to anyone you've briefly dated.
As a rule, we'd like to keep the hyper-sexualized greetings to a minimum.
If I have to follow the rule, you should, too.
Okay.
I said it one time.
[ TENDERLY .]
Hey, you.
Hey, you.
Hey, you.
I have a life.
I have needs.
Call me romantic.
Nobody's calling you romantic.
No one's calling you romantic.
But when I've been with someone, it means something to me.
[ TENDERLY .]
"Hey, you" [ GAGS .]
[ NORMAL VOICE .]
is my tip of the cap to a beautiful experience.
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
[ TENDERLY .]
Hey, you.
What? You're the only one with a history? Captions by VITAC Romance! Your next film is going to be a romance from the 12th century tale of "Tristan and Isol" [ SOBS .]
Forget it.
I got dumped, and I need to feel good again.
Sue me.
What? "How strictly are you defining romance?" You may not make a movie about the romance between a killer and their weapon.
[ SIGHS .]
Your film must make me believe in love again.
Anything less will get an "F.
" You have one hour.
[ GASPING, MURMURING .]
Listen to me, I sound just like Jamie.
[ VOICE BREAKING .]
Take your time.
[ NORMAL VOICE .]
Take your time.
MAYA: Hello, prospective investors.
We are two mums of kids with disabilities, and we are starting a business for people like us.
Here's a fascinating statistic about the adaptive-clothing industry.
Blah, blah, blah.
Shocking, right? I had no idea.
But what I do know is, insert completely improvised yet heartfelt anecdote about parenting.
But why tell you about our amazing products when we can just show you? [ CLOTHES RIP .]
Whoa! I did not see that coming.
And I loved it! [ BOTH SCREAM, LAUGH .]
It worked.
It worked.
Amazing, right? And I remembered to wear clothes underneath this time.
Okay, let's talk about market strategies, competition analysis, and a design and development plan.
Oh, Melanie, you are a godsend.
No, you're the godsend.
I mean, when John left, I thought my life was over.
And now I have a friend, a dream, and no fewer than six tear-away business suits.
Not a great use of our capital.
Hmm.
Oh, shoot.
I got to go get Logan from school.
Kenneth can go and get him.
Can he? I-Is Kenneth something you can lend your friends like a "Mad Men" DVD set? Did you specifically use that as an example because you've borrowed our "Mad Men" DVD set and have as yet to give it back? I'll go get Logan.
A romance? Where do we even start? "We could draw on our own romantic pasts.
" [ BOTH LAUGH .]
Yeah.
[ SIGHS .]
You know, if you're looking for romance, you should've seen me in the planetarium earlier.
This girl, Izzy, came in, and we had insane chemistry.
And how does this help us with our movie? You need to cast Izzy and me as the leads.
We'll fall in love, and you'll get the best on-screen romance since a certain Harry met the Hendersons.
Sound like a plan? Sure.
[ SLAPS TABLE .]
I'm excited, too, guys.
[ ROCK CHORD PLAYS .]
Whoa! All those years, we have not lost the sound.
Or the look.
- [ CHUCKLES .]
- Wore these in '92.
I had them altered.
- Yeah.
- [ SNORTS .]
Hey.
We got the sound and the look.
I think we should gig.
Come on.
We're grown-ups now.
It'd be pathetic.
This This is just for us.
Yeah, you're right.
That was a cheap escape we needed when we were young because we had nothing else.
We were broke, lived in crappy houses.
We hated our jobs.
Yeah, remember those days? - Anyhoo, "Satisfaction.
" - Yes.
[ DRUMSTICKS CLACKING .]
I can't get no Satisfaction 'Cause I try And I try And I try AND I TRY DYLAN: Whoa.
[ MUSIC STOPS .]
You guys are amazing.
Really? Yeah, I guess we kind of are.
Don't.
Jimmy doesn't need adoration.
No, no, no, no, no.
Let her finish.
What was that song? Uh, it's called "Satisfaction.
" And you wrote it? Yes.
Yes, I did.
Jimmy, come on.
Wewrote it.
We wrote it.
You want this one? Yeah.
Oh.
You must be Izzy.
You're game to be in the movie? Actually, I have no interest in leaving my comfort zone, and I would not like to be in the movie.
That was acting.
[ DOOR OPENS .]
Hey, now! Oh, is that Penn and Teller over there? 'Cause it looks like we're about to make some magic.
Oh, yeah, and, uh, one of us doesn't talk.
[ LAUGHS .]
[ CHUCKLES .]
Can I, uh, talk to you over here for a sec? [ QUIETLY .]
Don't you ever one-up me again, especially in front of Izzy.
Sorry? No, I-I'm sorry.
Same team.
Thank you so much for casting me and Izzy.
Yeah.
[ LOUDER .]
Shall we begin? Yes.
Uh "Izzy, you obviously know Ray.
" Who's Ray? I'm Ray.
From the planetarium? You accidentally sat on my lap.
It was charming and hilarious.
Oh, that was a boy? Your scream sounds like a girl's.
Play your cards right, you'll hear that girlish scream again.
Why would I want that? Hmm, this is so us.
[ DOOR OPENS .]
Hey.
Well, there you are! And there you are! Did you send in the contracts? No.
What about the projections? Whoopsie.
Melanie, what's wrong? Where's the focus and drive[ DOOR OPENS .]
that's gonna make me a thousand-aire? Ah, hi, Maya.
Oh, hi.
[ TENDERLY .]
Hey, you.
Would you excuse me? [ SCREAMS .]
[ CLOTHES RIP .]
[ EXHALES SHARPLY .]
[ SIGHS .]
Joyce, now Melanie.
Am I the only woman who has entered this house that you haven't defiled? Jealousy is not a good color on you.
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew! You'll ruin her.
Or she gets better.
That Statue of Liberty? No-good drunk when I found her.
That's a true story.
Relax, Maya.
You're so worried about your little business.
I can promise you nothing's going to get in the way.
Listen, I got to pick up Taylor.
Ooh.
Mango juice? So thirsty.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Mmm.
What a bizarre manifestation of sexuality.
AARON: All right.
Let's see your chemistry.
This is the scene where you two fall in love.
He's talking about the characters, of course.
Aaron, do you know how that sounded? [ CHUCKLES .]
"This was a mistake.
Action.
" The only trophy that matters to me is the magazine writer standing in front of me.
Kiss me.
I really don't want to.
Uh, the line's, uh, "What took you so long?" Yeah, but the book I read said I can't act something that doesn't feel true.
"Was that book 'How to Get Fired'?" Okay, uh We have options.
Let's find a version of Ray that you have chemistry with.
Makeover montage! Is that a version? 'Cause I don't like it.
[ ROCK CHORD PLAYS .]
You guys, I can't get your song out of my head.
That's nice to hear.
If you like that, maybe you'd like one of our original songs Anotherone of our original songs.
Shall we play our protest song, boys? "Draft Dodger"! 1, 2, 3, 4! Uncle Sam Don't ship me off to fight in And here we would name some countries where there might be a war going on, But really, it was an era of unprecedented peace Stop, stop.
That song makes me want to become emancipated.
But "Satisfaction's" a winner.
You guys should do shows.
All right.
"Satisfaction.
" Here we go.
[ SNOOTILY .]
I am the world's first trillionaire.
But as my butler said No.
[ NORMAL VOICE .]
It's like the Sarge said.
Who cares if you're the world's best sniper if It's like the Wolfman said Who cares if you're the best vampire in the world if you don't have love? Kiss me.
Cut.
"Sorry.
What is the problem?" I think the problem's the script.
He says, "Great feedback.
Come over for a re-write tonight.
Can't wait.
" Okay.
I've got a lot of stuff to go over.
Let's get down to business.
Music to my ears.
I've run the numbers.
Kenneth has over 600 Facebook friends.
550 of those are women.
Now, okay, see, here's where it gets interesting.
Of the 14 Tiffanys, 6 of them work at the same Dry Bar, 4 of them have real '80s hair.
Could we just get down to work?[ DOOR OPENS .]
It's just Yeah.
[ TENDERLY .]
Hey, you.
[ CHUCKLES .]
You [ NORMAL VOICE .]
Big business meeting, huh? Uh, what time do you figure you'll break? Probably around dinner.
See, it was just that, um, I had a little picnic plan brewing.
- Aww.
- You know what? Just take the rest of the day off.
You seem a bit distracted.
You don't mind? Go on.
Yeah, have fun.
Thank you, partner.
[ CHUCKLES .]
Okay.
[ DOOR CLOSES .]
Maya, thanks for being cool.
Are we good? You know what? It's fine.
I mean, her ex has the kids this weekend, so we'll just work then.
Ooh, about that.
I was cooking up a surprise getaway.
Well, I support that.
Yeah? Yeah.
Just don't take Melanie.
[ PAPERS RUSTLE .]
I'm sorry.
You can't.
[ PAPERS HIT TABLE .]
I can't? You said this wasn't gonna get in the way, and it is in the way.
You cannot have her.
Oh, well, we will just see about that.
Yeah, we will.
Okay, then.
I guess I'll just borrow a picnic basket and go.
Get out! [ GROWLS .]
Are you sure we're allowed to practice here? The janitors owed me a favor.
Following up on that later.
A band with such a fresh, new sound deserves a respectable practice space.
Look, Dylan.
The truth is [ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS .]
Oh, no.
Where did all these kids come from? [ SIGHS .]
Dylan, seriously, we're grown men.
We're not playing for a bunch of [ ROCK CHORD PLAYS .]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
I was so sure I wasn't going to do it.
That rocked! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES .]
We're gonna do another one now called "Draft Dodger" Screw it! This one's called "Born to Run.
" 1, 2, 3, 4! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
"Layla.
" "Baba O'Riley.
" We call this one "Side Two of Abbey Road.
" [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
Thank you so much.
We're gonna take a short break.
We'll be right back.
Oh, Daddy, you're here.
Dylan's dad? This is my dad, Todd.
He's a record company executive.
I told him that he should sign you.
Their songs are, like, instant classics.
How does that first one go? Um I-I can't get no satisfaction.
I can't get no satisfaction, so forth.
And they're great performers, too.
Uh, do that dance you do during the song.
Something like that.
What do you think, Dad? I think they're fantastic.
And if I hadn't just signed a similar act, we'd be begging to work with you.
[ GROANS .]
T-Thank you.
That is really very generous.
Uh, before I go, uh, I was wondering if any of you want to play a song I wrote called "Smells Like Teen Spirit.
" Sure.
Check out what Daddy wrote, Addie.
Izzy's parking.
Let's fix this movie.
Come on, man.
Just write a script that makes me look awesome and makes her fall in love with me.
You can do it.
You're a creative genius.
[ KNOCKS ON DOOR .]
- Hello.
- Izzy! All right.
Time to salvage this terrible script.
How lucky you found a women in business conference this weekend.
I know.
What are the chances? I should tell you that, at times, it will feel like a dog show.
Hmm.
MELANIE: It's too bad.
Kenneth was disappointed when I told him I was leaving town.
Oh, he knows our business comes first.
And you know, regarding Kenneth, there are a few things that you should know.
[ DOOR OPENS .]
He Is right here.
[ SPITS .]
Hey, you.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
It feels like we're playing Wembley! Soak it up, guys, because tonight, for these kids, we are the greatest band in the world.
I want to sing one.
I'm tired of backing you guys up.
But you can't sing.
And you can't play guitar, but it doesn't stop you.
Easy, guys.
Let's Let's just play.
This is all so small-minded.
I'm out of here.
Come on, babe.
Who is she?! Forget it.
Uh, "Free Fallin'.
" Ah, let's do something fresher.
"Wonderwall.
" Uh, new guy, that's not really our sound.
Well, "Free Fallin'" isn't your sound either.
You stole it from John Mellencamp.
[ ALL GASP .]
No, no, don't look that up.
No, put your phones away.
It's Tom Petty.
Also, yeah, dude, it's Tom Petty.
You're a music exec? JJ, we are banging our heads against a wall here, man.
Izzy, you hungry? What do you say to some of my famous braciole? No.
I love our banter.
JJ, you should use this in the script.
"I'm going to get some fresh air.
You enjoy.
" I'm too tired to stand.
"Wow, sounds tough.
" Right.
That was terrible.
Um I shouldn't talk at all.
Oh, God, I made it worse.
Uh, "Come on.
I have an idea.
" [ WHEELS RATTLING .]
Izzy: Okay.
"Maybe a car hits her, and he saves her.
" No.
Why is this so hard? You seem to understand human behavior in your other movies.
[ RATTLING STOPS .]
"You saw my movies?" Yeah.
They're great.
"I'm suddenly very open to your input.
" [ CHUCKLES .]
Well, I don't know what to do.
I'm no good at connecting with people.
I once had a lizard I got close to.
"Was he a football star or a war hero?" No.
Oh, you're being charming.
Write him like that.
He should be real, not perfect, someone who has a hard time putting themselves out there but does it anyway.
And he doesn't have to save her life, you know.
In these movies, it's more about, like, a touch, and they feel a connection.
You write scary well.
Pretend like you're scared.
[ GASPS .]
How sweet.
- [ CHUCKLES .]
- Did you guys plan this? [ LAUGHS .]
Uh, pretty much.
Such a fun surprise.
Ooh, let me go freshen up.
[ CHUCKLES .]
How dare you come here and ruin our weekend.
You only brought her here to ruin myweekend.
You just don't want me to be happy.
This is about our business, and it cannot survive with you interfering.
She's gonna have to choose.
Yeah.
Yeah, either a lifetime of ripping off pants or your dumb adaptive-clothing line.
Oh, you had to Tiffany yourself up, didn't you? Melanie, we need to talk, all of us.
Are you two breaking up with me? [ CHUCKLES .]
Don't be ridiculous.
Oh, absolutely not.
But we do need you to break up with one of us.
[ LAUGHS .]
- Yeah.
- Wait, what? Melanie, we both care about you so much, but sharing you just isn't working out.
So we need you to pick one of us.
- Me.
- Oh, please.
Let the woman whose life was in shambles before she met me think.
Wow.
Look, I'm just getting to know both of you.
And now you want me to pick one or the other? I'm sorry.
I choose neither.
No, see, no, you have to choose one.
Sweetheart, I know you're mad.
It's just Life's hard, and it felt good to get some glory, just for one brief moment.
I'm sorry.
Can you forgive me? Do you have anything to say for yourself? [ SIGHS .]
Well, I think what happened is, you thought we wrote "Satisfaction," so I lied and said I did.
And that felt great.
And then a bunch of your friends thought we wrote "Satisfaction.
" Then we got caught, and then I bought chocolate milk, and now we're here, yeah.
- So no takeaway? - [ SLURPING .]
Not really, no.
No, I think I'm just an idiot.
Well, I guess you could say that we lived dangerously, we paid the price, and we we survived to tell the tale.
And that is what rock 'n' roll is all about.
Now, see, that feels like a takeaway.
I learned nothing, and I would do it again.
In fact, do you have any friends who weren't here tonight but also don't know a lot about music? The track team? The track team.
Right in front of me all this time.
Come on.
Why can't you be more like her? And she chose neither of us.
It's over.
You didn't even fight for her? [ SCOFFS .]
As the lead in a romantic comedy, I know you cannot take no for an answer.
"Actually, Izzy pointed out that trope has a really toxic message.
" "Don't take no for an answer.
" I like it.
Yeah.
Impress her.
Win a karate tournament.
Become a billionaire and save the dumb dock where her dad works.
What was I thinking? Melanie and I are meant to be together.
I'm gonna stop talking to my diverse sidekicks and go and get the girl.
Where are you going? To get more mango juice.
Good luck getting Melanie back, Mom! You're blocking me in! Then I guess I'll get there first! [ CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES .]
Maya, get out.
I'm winning her back, and I'm not taking no for an answer.
Do you have any idea how toxic that trope is? [ ENGINE STARTS .]
We need to talk.
Shh! It's the library.
I've been quiet long enough.
I didn't go looking for this, but I felt something last night.
Don't listen to him.
He's just going to hurt you.
Shh! I have to work so hard to be understood, but you just saw me.
It was scary.
IZZY: Oh.
Should I leave you alone? That scares me even more.
Wow.
That was really good.
Um, should I kiss him? [ VOICE BREAKING .]
Where did you find this girl? Yes! Kenneth, I understand why you're upset.
I mean, I know you like Melanie.
But you have to understand With JJ going away to college next year Maya, this isn't about you.
Are you sure? Feels like it is.
You know why you've never seen me in a relationship? Because ever since I met you, my whole life has been about you and your family.
But who cares.
In Maya-land, nothing exists outside of the DiMeos.
Well, I get to have something, too.
Oh, Kenneth, I can really see how you feel.
[ GEAR SHIFT CLICKS .]
Maya! Come on! I gave you a ride, lady! Let me have this! [ LOCK CLICKS .]
What are you doing here? Melanie, you are an amazing woman, and you deserve to have an equally amazing partner.
Now, maybe we can work this out where you don't have to choose between me or Kenneth.
But if you have to choose Can you hear my voice at this level? Choose Kenneth.
Really? But you're still mad at him.
Well, I mean, things got weird.
But, you know, I like how he dresses like it's summer all year round.
And I love how he sings what he needs to tell you when he could Just bloody say it But, I mean, what I like best about him is that he's kind and he's fantastic with my son and he has a very, very big heart.
And he really likes you, Melanie.
Well, shouldn't he be telling me all this? I'm the one sacrificing you, so I didn't want him coming in here and messing it all up.
Plus, I wanted the big moment.
[ SIGHS .]
Please forgive him, and I promise I won't interfere anymore.
[ SWEETLY .]
Hey, you.
Oh, God, you heard.
You're so special to me [ CLEARS THROAT .]
[ NORMAL VOICE .]
Oh.
Oh, right.
[ CHUCKLES .]
Ew.