Spin City s03e11 Episode Script
Local Hero
And finally, please be advised that the mayor's annual charity costume ball is mandatory.
Claudia and my costume was such a hit last year, I think we're gonna come as Jeannie and major Nelson again.
Please, please, let Claudia be Jeannie this time.
And, Stuart, try not to offend anybody.
Hey, my costume was based on a famous literary figure.
There's no such thing as the pantless horseman.
What are you going as, Carter? I can't tell you.
Why not? The fabulousness of a costume is inversely proportional to the number of people knowing what it is ahead of time.
I believe that's known as liberace's law.
I can't wait for this party.
Every year, the mayor and I sing a song together.
Hey, can I sing with the mayor this time? Well, that depends.
Are you me? Oh, yeah.
The mayor will be having auditions after work for anyone who's interested.
No, no! Last year, the mayor and I did Frank and dino! We killed! Every memory I had of them.
Hey, Mike.
You're the king of failed relationships.
You have funny hair and ugly glasses.
No, I meant that in a good way.
So did I.
Look, it's about dierdre.
Oh, wait, are you still dating that psycho from upstairs? Yeah, but I just can't seem to dump her.
So, what's your technique? Oh, come on, Stuart, I'm a grown man.
I don't dump women.
I find that if I strike the right balance of insensitivity and sexual dysfunction, they dump me.
Sorry I'm late, Mike.
Pete and I just met up for coffee.
Yeah, well, you're 3 hours late.
It was one of those bottomless cups.
Speaking of bottomless, I have a new costume idea.
No.
So, Pete, how's my new favorite councilman? Oh, is that me? Yeah, that'd be you.
All right! Hey, remind me to send you that pamphlet on the high-five.
You know, you're my favorite, too.
Hey! Well, this is a big day for me.
Bye.
You know, he told me he bought flowers just to remind himself how beautiful I am.
Does he have a gay brother? No.
Why? 'Cause I'm a gay brother.
It's weird, 'cause he's not like the other guys I usually go out with.
I mean, he's nice.
He's kinda quiet.
A little goofy, even.
I don't know how you thought of setting me up with him, Mike.
Oh, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Pete decided to support the mayor on that budget vote.
Oh, ok, whatever.
Yes.
You have hit a new low.
Aw, come on, Carter, don't be jealous.
I can hook you up with somebody.
I hear councilman lowicki is bi-partisan.
Stuart! Hi, dierdre.
Lose the "dre" and win some tongue.
Hi, dear.
That's better.
What the hell is this? There's lipstick on your collar.
I must have bumped into someone on the subway.
I swear.
If I ever found out you were running around on me, I'd dump you faster than you can say "where are you going with my pants?" That's it! All I need to do is get another girlfriend.
I am screwed.
All right, Carter, what do you think? Doctor Or Cowboy? Depends if you're going for really lame or just plain boring.
Ok, how about Jet-setting rodeo proctologist? (KNOCK ON DOOR) Howdy, p.
Mike, uh, I wanted you to hear it from me first.
I'm quitting the council.
What are you talking about? You can't quit the council.
I mean, you barely even Cast the deciding vote for the mayor's budget tomorrow.
Shhha.
I got into politics because I wanted to change people's lives.
Excuse me.
Have you seen line item 111a on public school nutrition? We're making butterscotch pudding a reality for kids every third Thursday.
Look, Pete, you wanna change people's lives, you don't have to leave the council to do that.
No, you can be Mr.
New York.
Really? You know what you have to do? Whenever you see someone sad, you just smile.
See? Ha ha.
You know what you can do? You can pick up garbage.
Yeah! I can pick up garbage.
You can right wrongs wherever you see 'em.
I can.
I can right all those wrongs.
You can vote yes on the mayor's budget.
Yeah, I can vote yes on the mayor's budget.
There you go, Pete.
Go out there and be Mr.
New York.
Pete, be captain New York.
All right! Thanks, Mike.
Ok, I know what your costume should be.
The devil.
Lighten up, Carter.
Now bend over and cough.
Yee-hah! Bill Bailey, won't you please come! Bill Bailey, won't you please come! Bill Bailey Won't you please Come Ho-me Thank you.
We'll be in touch.
Good luck following that, junior.
So where are you from? Uh, the office.
And what do you do? I'm your speech writer.
I mean here.
What are you gonna do for us here? I'm gonna be singing Danny boy.
(SINGING WELL) oh Danny boy The pipes, the pipes are callin' From Glen to Glen And down the mountainside 'Tis I'll be there In sunshine or in shadow Oh Danny boy Oh Danny boy I love you so! (LOUD CHEERING FROM AUDIENCE) Well, you gave it your best shot.
Stuart, your girlfriend's coming this way.
Quick, act like you're into me.
I can't act like that.
Meryl streep can't act like that.
Nikki! What? Could you pull this thread off my collar? Sure.
Better use your teeth.
Oh, yeah, that's it! You know that's how I like it! What the hell are you talking about? Go quickly.
Wow! You read my mind.
Oh, well, busted.
Damn, my libido.
I don't blame you, Stuart.
Why not? I blame her.
I'll teach her to piddle in my backyard.
Well, guess she has it coming.
Hey, stace, so uh how'd it go with Pete last night? I realize you set us up and everything, but you're still my boss, and I just feel the need that maybe I should draw the line between my work and my personal life.
I totally respect that.
He slept over! Hey, fellas.
Damn! Sorry, Carter, you snooze you lose! Hee hee! You know, I just have to get used to feeling this vulnerable.
So you're telling me you've only slept with 3 guys your whole life.
You thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah.
City girls are fast.
You know what? I don't care.
I've been waiting my whole life for a feeling like this.
I will never doubt you again.
Mike, you're the best.
Hear that? I'm the best.
(ON TV) We're here with the self-described super hero who police say has foiled a rash of crimes.
I've decided that it's time for someone to right the wrongs in this city.
You can call me captain New York.
Oh, and if you see Pete, remind him to get his costume today.
Oh, he's way ahead of ya.
I can't believe Stacy's boyfriend turned out to be a loon.
It's just terrible.
You're telling me.
What are we gonna do about his vote? I mean ah I mean her feelings? I dunno, Mike.
How about Tell her the truth? What is it with you and the truth? Mike, I'm gonna go get my costume now.
So if you need anything, you know Do it yourself.
Stace Stacy um Remember that nonsense I was rambling on about the other day? What, all the stuff about you being way smarter than Carter? Not not not that.
'Cause that would be some nonsense.
No, that stuff about how great it would be if you and Pete were together.
Yeah.
You know what would be even more great? If you were now get this alone.
Relax.
I really like Pete.
You're the most disingenuine person I know.
Disingenuous.
Yeah.
What did I say? Smarter than you, smarter than you, smarter than you Smarter than you Do you think the shoes are too much? Nobody's gonna be lookin' at the shoes, baby.
Aah! Just gettin' into character.
Paul, I'm really sorry.
You.
3 years I been singing with the mayor.
For what? All to be beat out by some glee club reject from Wisconsin.
Do you realize how this makes me feel? (MIMICKING CLINTON) Like a horse's ass? Listen, we gotta get out there and find Pete fast.
Lucky for me, I have the entire demento justice league of America.
Mike! Mike! Yes? Some guy in a wet suit was just reported on top of a building in park slope.
Well, it's a long shot, but I say we check it out.
Mike, can I give you a piece of advice? O-oh, I know.
I-if daffy points a gun at me, bend the barrel back and blow his beak off.
The longer it takes you to tell Stacy, the more she's gonna be hurt.
Look, nobody's gonna get hurt here, ok? Stacy is not some fragile, innocent girl.
LA LA LA LA! I'm goin' to the ball! Meeeooorr! Aah! Stuart! Is this your tie? Where'd you get that? I think your girlfriend left it for me.
Stuart, why is your girlfriend stalking me? She thinks we're having an affair.
Why? I dunno.
Oh, that's right.
I told her.
She wouldn't really hurt me, would she? Oh, yeah! She's nuts! Well, what am I supposed to do? (MIMICKING CLINTON) Deny, deny, deny.
Hurry up! I can't run with this suit on! Sir, why aren't you in costume yet? What do you mean? I'm former mayor of New York, John Lindsay.
Don't tell me.
Mayor Lindsay! What are you supposed to be? I hate workin' here.
Sir, may I ask you a question? Sure, James.
How do you feel about threesomes? Well, James, let's see Sometimes when a man and a woman have been together for a very long time and they're sort of in a rut, and the wife has an open-minded tennis partner sir I just meant about adding Paul to the band.
Well, then I've said too much.
Hey, hey, hey! Whaddaya say we, you know, go back on inside? Aw, hey, Mike! M-Mike, this is kirk.
What the hell are you doing? You know, being a man of action like you told me to.
If I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? Figure of speech, kirk.
What seems to be your problem, buddy? I lost my job.
I just turned 30, and my boyfriend of 4 years just broke up with me.
I think I can help you.
Whaddaya think of that bunny over there? What is going on here? Hey, Stacy You look nice! Yeah, I looked even better an hour ago when you were supposed to pick me up.
H-how did you find us? You're on TV! Hey! Twice in one day! Hey, vote Winston! Superman does! Aha! Aah! There you are! Look, dierdre, this has all been a big misunderstanding.
I have a boyfriend, Arthur.
There is nothing sexual going on between me and Stuart.
Tell her, bubba.
(MIMICKING CLINTON) That depends on your definition of what constitutes sexual.
Stuart! Ok, fine! There's nothing going on.
I should have known you weren't woman enough to take my man.
Excuse me? You don't think I could take Stuart from you? Not unless you got beer in those things.
Watch this.
Please.
Hmmph! Ah! You gonna let her get away with that? I'm not afraid of some Jerry springer reject.
My mama loved Jerry springer.
That's it.
You're mine! Cat fight! Whoa! Hey! Stace, you're gonna need that.
My shoe? That's a long way down.
That's something to think about.
Wow.
Compared to you people, I'm feeling pretty well-adjusted right now.
I'm outta here.
Do you know how proud I was that you thought I was the kind of woman that you could set up with a councilman? Listen, my motives may have been a little less than pure, but you gotta believe me.
I do think you're that kinda woman.
And it's not because of some vote? No! Some vote! It wasn't some vote.
It was a quarterly budget vote.
They Come around Do you have any idea how special this night was for me? Huh? I was gonna be cinderella, and My prince charming would come and ask me to dance, and we would dance for everyone You're a little upset.
You know what, Mike? I'm not upset.
I'm on a roof looking like the top of a wedding cake with two idiots in their underoos! Uh, Stacy, wait.
No.
To hell with the both of you! And you you look ridiculous! Hey! I'm just a bunny.
Hey, Stacy.
You wanna do me a favor? What? Is your drain clogged? You want me to marry your super? Uh Let me put this, uh Shoe back on? Uh You wanna dance? Hey, guys, play a slow one, all right? You really do look beautiful.
I do, don't I? May I cut in? Actually, Pete, Stacy and I sure! Why don't you just go ahead? Well My work here is done.
Day-o Day-ay-ay Yo (NO SOUND) Sir, there's something wrong with my Mike.
Come, Mr.
tallyman Tally me banana Daylight come and me wanna go home Six foot, seven foot Eight foot aah! Daylight come and me wanna go home So why don't ya? MAN: Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(BARKING) Moo.
Claudia and my costume was such a hit last year, I think we're gonna come as Jeannie and major Nelson again.
Please, please, let Claudia be Jeannie this time.
And, Stuart, try not to offend anybody.
Hey, my costume was based on a famous literary figure.
There's no such thing as the pantless horseman.
What are you going as, Carter? I can't tell you.
Why not? The fabulousness of a costume is inversely proportional to the number of people knowing what it is ahead of time.
I believe that's known as liberace's law.
I can't wait for this party.
Every year, the mayor and I sing a song together.
Hey, can I sing with the mayor this time? Well, that depends.
Are you me? Oh, yeah.
The mayor will be having auditions after work for anyone who's interested.
No, no! Last year, the mayor and I did Frank and dino! We killed! Every memory I had of them.
Hey, Mike.
You're the king of failed relationships.
You have funny hair and ugly glasses.
No, I meant that in a good way.
So did I.
Look, it's about dierdre.
Oh, wait, are you still dating that psycho from upstairs? Yeah, but I just can't seem to dump her.
So, what's your technique? Oh, come on, Stuart, I'm a grown man.
I don't dump women.
I find that if I strike the right balance of insensitivity and sexual dysfunction, they dump me.
Sorry I'm late, Mike.
Pete and I just met up for coffee.
Yeah, well, you're 3 hours late.
It was one of those bottomless cups.
Speaking of bottomless, I have a new costume idea.
No.
So, Pete, how's my new favorite councilman? Oh, is that me? Yeah, that'd be you.
All right! Hey, remind me to send you that pamphlet on the high-five.
You know, you're my favorite, too.
Hey! Well, this is a big day for me.
Bye.
You know, he told me he bought flowers just to remind himself how beautiful I am.
Does he have a gay brother? No.
Why? 'Cause I'm a gay brother.
It's weird, 'cause he's not like the other guys I usually go out with.
I mean, he's nice.
He's kinda quiet.
A little goofy, even.
I don't know how you thought of setting me up with him, Mike.
Oh, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Pete decided to support the mayor on that budget vote.
Oh, ok, whatever.
Yes.
You have hit a new low.
Aw, come on, Carter, don't be jealous.
I can hook you up with somebody.
I hear councilman lowicki is bi-partisan.
Stuart! Hi, dierdre.
Lose the "dre" and win some tongue.
Hi, dear.
That's better.
What the hell is this? There's lipstick on your collar.
I must have bumped into someone on the subway.
I swear.
If I ever found out you were running around on me, I'd dump you faster than you can say "where are you going with my pants?" That's it! All I need to do is get another girlfriend.
I am screwed.
All right, Carter, what do you think? Doctor Or Cowboy? Depends if you're going for really lame or just plain boring.
Ok, how about Jet-setting rodeo proctologist? (KNOCK ON DOOR) Howdy, p.
Mike, uh, I wanted you to hear it from me first.
I'm quitting the council.
What are you talking about? You can't quit the council.
I mean, you barely even Cast the deciding vote for the mayor's budget tomorrow.
Shhha.
I got into politics because I wanted to change people's lives.
Excuse me.
Have you seen line item 111a on public school nutrition? We're making butterscotch pudding a reality for kids every third Thursday.
Look, Pete, you wanna change people's lives, you don't have to leave the council to do that.
No, you can be Mr.
New York.
Really? You know what you have to do? Whenever you see someone sad, you just smile.
See? Ha ha.
You know what you can do? You can pick up garbage.
Yeah! I can pick up garbage.
You can right wrongs wherever you see 'em.
I can.
I can right all those wrongs.
You can vote yes on the mayor's budget.
Yeah, I can vote yes on the mayor's budget.
There you go, Pete.
Go out there and be Mr.
New York.
Pete, be captain New York.
All right! Thanks, Mike.
Ok, I know what your costume should be.
The devil.
Lighten up, Carter.
Now bend over and cough.
Yee-hah! Bill Bailey, won't you please come! Bill Bailey, won't you please come! Bill Bailey Won't you please Come Ho-me Thank you.
We'll be in touch.
Good luck following that, junior.
So where are you from? Uh, the office.
And what do you do? I'm your speech writer.
I mean here.
What are you gonna do for us here? I'm gonna be singing Danny boy.
(SINGING WELL) oh Danny boy The pipes, the pipes are callin' From Glen to Glen And down the mountainside 'Tis I'll be there In sunshine or in shadow Oh Danny boy Oh Danny boy I love you so! (LOUD CHEERING FROM AUDIENCE) Well, you gave it your best shot.
Stuart, your girlfriend's coming this way.
Quick, act like you're into me.
I can't act like that.
Meryl streep can't act like that.
Nikki! What? Could you pull this thread off my collar? Sure.
Better use your teeth.
Oh, yeah, that's it! You know that's how I like it! What the hell are you talking about? Go quickly.
Wow! You read my mind.
Oh, well, busted.
Damn, my libido.
I don't blame you, Stuart.
Why not? I blame her.
I'll teach her to piddle in my backyard.
Well, guess she has it coming.
Hey, stace, so uh how'd it go with Pete last night? I realize you set us up and everything, but you're still my boss, and I just feel the need that maybe I should draw the line between my work and my personal life.
I totally respect that.
He slept over! Hey, fellas.
Damn! Sorry, Carter, you snooze you lose! Hee hee! You know, I just have to get used to feeling this vulnerable.
So you're telling me you've only slept with 3 guys your whole life.
You thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah.
City girls are fast.
You know what? I don't care.
I've been waiting my whole life for a feeling like this.
I will never doubt you again.
Mike, you're the best.
Hear that? I'm the best.
(ON TV) We're here with the self-described super hero who police say has foiled a rash of crimes.
I've decided that it's time for someone to right the wrongs in this city.
You can call me captain New York.
Oh, and if you see Pete, remind him to get his costume today.
Oh, he's way ahead of ya.
I can't believe Stacy's boyfriend turned out to be a loon.
It's just terrible.
You're telling me.
What are we gonna do about his vote? I mean ah I mean her feelings? I dunno, Mike.
How about Tell her the truth? What is it with you and the truth? Mike, I'm gonna go get my costume now.
So if you need anything, you know Do it yourself.
Stace Stacy um Remember that nonsense I was rambling on about the other day? What, all the stuff about you being way smarter than Carter? Not not not that.
'Cause that would be some nonsense.
No, that stuff about how great it would be if you and Pete were together.
Yeah.
You know what would be even more great? If you were now get this alone.
Relax.
I really like Pete.
You're the most disingenuine person I know.
Disingenuous.
Yeah.
What did I say? Smarter than you, smarter than you, smarter than you Smarter than you Do you think the shoes are too much? Nobody's gonna be lookin' at the shoes, baby.
Aah! Just gettin' into character.
Paul, I'm really sorry.
You.
3 years I been singing with the mayor.
For what? All to be beat out by some glee club reject from Wisconsin.
Do you realize how this makes me feel? (MIMICKING CLINTON) Like a horse's ass? Listen, we gotta get out there and find Pete fast.
Lucky for me, I have the entire demento justice league of America.
Mike! Mike! Yes? Some guy in a wet suit was just reported on top of a building in park slope.
Well, it's a long shot, but I say we check it out.
Mike, can I give you a piece of advice? O-oh, I know.
I-if daffy points a gun at me, bend the barrel back and blow his beak off.
The longer it takes you to tell Stacy, the more she's gonna be hurt.
Look, nobody's gonna get hurt here, ok? Stacy is not some fragile, innocent girl.
LA LA LA LA! I'm goin' to the ball! Meeeooorr! Aah! Stuart! Is this your tie? Where'd you get that? I think your girlfriend left it for me.
Stuart, why is your girlfriend stalking me? She thinks we're having an affair.
Why? I dunno.
Oh, that's right.
I told her.
She wouldn't really hurt me, would she? Oh, yeah! She's nuts! Well, what am I supposed to do? (MIMICKING CLINTON) Deny, deny, deny.
Hurry up! I can't run with this suit on! Sir, why aren't you in costume yet? What do you mean? I'm former mayor of New York, John Lindsay.
Don't tell me.
Mayor Lindsay! What are you supposed to be? I hate workin' here.
Sir, may I ask you a question? Sure, James.
How do you feel about threesomes? Well, James, let's see Sometimes when a man and a woman have been together for a very long time and they're sort of in a rut, and the wife has an open-minded tennis partner sir I just meant about adding Paul to the band.
Well, then I've said too much.
Hey, hey, hey! Whaddaya say we, you know, go back on inside? Aw, hey, Mike! M-Mike, this is kirk.
What the hell are you doing? You know, being a man of action like you told me to.
If I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? Figure of speech, kirk.
What seems to be your problem, buddy? I lost my job.
I just turned 30, and my boyfriend of 4 years just broke up with me.
I think I can help you.
Whaddaya think of that bunny over there? What is going on here? Hey, Stacy You look nice! Yeah, I looked even better an hour ago when you were supposed to pick me up.
H-how did you find us? You're on TV! Hey! Twice in one day! Hey, vote Winston! Superman does! Aha! Aah! There you are! Look, dierdre, this has all been a big misunderstanding.
I have a boyfriend, Arthur.
There is nothing sexual going on between me and Stuart.
Tell her, bubba.
(MIMICKING CLINTON) That depends on your definition of what constitutes sexual.
Stuart! Ok, fine! There's nothing going on.
I should have known you weren't woman enough to take my man.
Excuse me? You don't think I could take Stuart from you? Not unless you got beer in those things.
Watch this.
Please.
Hmmph! Ah! You gonna let her get away with that? I'm not afraid of some Jerry springer reject.
My mama loved Jerry springer.
That's it.
You're mine! Cat fight! Whoa! Hey! Stace, you're gonna need that.
My shoe? That's a long way down.
That's something to think about.
Wow.
Compared to you people, I'm feeling pretty well-adjusted right now.
I'm outta here.
Do you know how proud I was that you thought I was the kind of woman that you could set up with a councilman? Listen, my motives may have been a little less than pure, but you gotta believe me.
I do think you're that kinda woman.
And it's not because of some vote? No! Some vote! It wasn't some vote.
It was a quarterly budget vote.
They Come around Do you have any idea how special this night was for me? Huh? I was gonna be cinderella, and My prince charming would come and ask me to dance, and we would dance for everyone You're a little upset.
You know what, Mike? I'm not upset.
I'm on a roof looking like the top of a wedding cake with two idiots in their underoos! Uh, Stacy, wait.
No.
To hell with the both of you! And you you look ridiculous! Hey! I'm just a bunny.
Hey, Stacy.
You wanna do me a favor? What? Is your drain clogged? You want me to marry your super? Uh Let me put this, uh Shoe back on? Uh You wanna dance? Hey, guys, play a slow one, all right? You really do look beautiful.
I do, don't I? May I cut in? Actually, Pete, Stacy and I sure! Why don't you just go ahead? Well My work here is done.
Day-o Day-ay-ay Yo (NO SOUND) Sir, there's something wrong with my Mike.
Come, Mr.
tallyman Tally me banana Daylight come and me wanna go home Six foot, seven foot Eight foot aah! Daylight come and me wanna go home So why don't ya? MAN: Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(BARKING) Moo.