Suburgatory (2011) s03e11 Episode Script

Serving time in Chatswin Penitentiary, one can almost forget that at some point your sentence is going to end.
Meeting with college admissions officers almost felt like getting in front of a parole board.
I stayed clean.
I kept to myself, mostly.
I stayed out of trouble, and I learned a lot from the experience that I think will help me on the outside.
I mean at your fine university.
Okay, Tessa, just relax.
Why don't you tell me, um, a little bit about your extracurricular activities? Right.
Well, I-I held a part-time job at one of the top crystal retailers on the East Coast, leading their sales division to record earnings.
I performed in a multicultural world-music band.
I played lead rain stick.
Oh.
And when my best friend's family decided to foster a Cambodian child, I started an initiative to help assimilate him into Chatswin by sometimes walking him to school.
Very impressive.
I hoped so.
I was doing my best to come off that way since I knew the competition would be stiff.
I don't have any curricular activities.
No, your extracurricular activities.
What I'm asking is, what do you do besides just going to school? Oh.
Lots.
I'm super into tanning, nail care, red carpets, my housekeeper Carmen, blind items, Brody Jenner, Bentleys, apps -- Both foodstuffs and the kind on my phone.
- I'm really into Molly.
- Molly? My friend Molly Benzworth.
We met on a teen tour.
She's hella chill, but she drinks too much.
- Anything else? - I'd like to be a writer someday.
I love Poe, Carver, Chuck Palahniuk, A.
M.
Homes, Kingsolver.
This all sounds wonderful, Tessa.
Is there anything else you want me to know before we wrap up our little chat? I like snapchatting, Skype-chatting, chit-chatting, and I love, love accessorizing - Like so, so much.
- Accessorizing.
I just tend to put a lot of thought into thinking about ways to make an outfit really pop.
I wonder if you put a fraction of that thought into your grades.
Oh, I didn't.
I really try not to focus on my grades because I don't believe they define me -- - Not the way a good belt can.
- I'm sorry.
Don't be.
A lot of people make the same mistake.
But I'm sure there's a waistline hiding under that big, bulky sweater of yours somewhere.
In fact, I know there is.
Anyway, you've been great.
Thanks for having me on.
Last night I had a pleasant nightmare Da-Da-Da-Da Da, da, da, da Okay.
This is where you're gonna be spending most of your time.
Seeing Dalia on the campus tour for Havenbrook instantly reduced it to a safety school.
So, you really think it went well? I pretty much killed it, Mommy.
I really think that lady loved all the super-dope stuff I'm into.
Like what super-dope stuff? I don't know.
Ask her.
She's the one who was, like, jumping up and down about everything.
Oh! Dalia, this is so exciting.
I wonder if this place of learning will be your new home or if it'll be some other college campus.
This is the only school I applied to, Mommy.
Wait.
What? But why? Because it's close enough that I can still live in my room.
I spent a lot of time designing my room, and I'm gonna sleep in it forever.
One day, my husband and children are gonna sleep in there with me.
But, Dalia, what if you don't get into this school? I will.
It'll be a cinch.
It's a 45-minute wait for a table.
Sorry.
We're slammed with all the college-tour kids.
You want to sit at the bar? Fine by me.
All right.
You must be from Tennessee because you're the only 10 I see.
And you must be from New Jersey.
No, Missouri.
The "Show Me" state.
What? This place is such a meat market.
Do you want wings? The bar is basically just wings.
More importantly, why isn't anyone trying to pick us up? I'm meat.
I'm in the market.
Oh, I -- Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh.
No problem.
Excuse me.
No, this place is crazy right now.
- Standing room only.
- Yeah.
It's nuts.
Look at me.
Just chit-chatting with a beautiful girl over here.
Mom.
Our table.
Oh, um, y-You're welcome to crowd in with us if you'd like.
Yes, please.
Yes.
Uh, yeah Sure.
I'm Tessa.
I'm Kenny.
- George.
- Uh, Karen.
Okay.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah-blah Remember me? Oh! Oh! I-I'm so sorry.
That is so Dalia.
Hate her or love her, you have to love her.
You do, anyway.
Oh! Well, you will, too.
Next year, she'll just matriculate all over.
- Miss Royce, let me be perfectly blunt.
- Yes.
With Dalia's grades and her test scores - and her general demeanor - Yes.
She's probably better qualified for junior college or the bling ring.
- Are you saying -- - She's not getting in.
I don't know.
I have a good feeling.
About Havenbrook? Not me.
Havenbrook? No, I'm talking about Karen and Kenny.
Oh Them.
Them? Come on.
They were okay.
Okay? Th-They're Ivy League.
- In terms of? - In terms of looks.
In terms of physical attributes.
They were smart and funny and hot.
They're like the Gilmore Girls.
- Except one's a dude.
- You said it.
I feel like you think Kenny is more attractive than I do.
Kenny is a babe, okay? I wish I looked like Kenny when I was 17 years old.
There wasn't a single freshman on that campus that was more attractive than Kenny.
Kenny is magnificent! Also, his mom said "The four of us should get together again sometime.
" So for the time being, we're a package deal.
She's not getting into college! - Our girl! - Nope.
Well, you don't seem surprised.
- I'm surprised you're surprised.
- Carmen, how could you?! What's gonna become of our Dalia? She's gonna have to get a job like the rest of us.
Carmen, be serious.
- She could join the military.
- Carmen! You know damn well Dalia has trouble with following orders and waking up early and pull-ups and humvees and short haircuts.
You can't take care of her forever.
She has to find her calling.
I don't like calling.
I'm text only.
Dalia, honey.
I've got some terrible news.
News that is gonna shake you to the core.
It is gonna make you shutter and cry.
It's gonna make you stop, drop, and roll.
You're not getting into the only school you applied to.
'Kay.
No, but it's not 'Kay.
It's the opposite of 'Kay.
But I promise that one day soon it will be 'Kay, 'cause with a little tenacity, we are gonna figure out what it is you were born to do.
Dalia, honey Aren't you gonna say anything? On the bright side, I can still sleep in my room.
That's true.
And Carmen can still keep her job cleaning it.
So, I guess all of this worked out really well for you, Carmen.
Who is having a great time? I am.
Can you believe what a great time we're all having? - Okay, Mommy, here we go.
- Okay.
Go.
Yours has picture frames and vases on it.
- Mantle! Mickey Mantle! - Correct.
Yes.
- Okay, uh, we hate this person.
- Jessica Seinfeld.
Yes, but for us, the male version is - Nick Cannon! - Correct! Oh, yes! Wow, looks like you and mommy make a great team, huh? Uh-Huh.
Maybe we should, uh, you know, switch sides.
Or we could take a dessert break? Anyone want some pie? I baked a salted caramel apple pie.
Ooh.
You should take her up on that, George.
- My mom's pie is award-winning.
- Oh.
I am in.
What award? What? You said award-winning.
What award did it win? Oh, it's just a figure of speech.
"Award-winning" is not a figure of speech.
It's a claim and Sounds like in your case it's a false one.
Okay.
Go get some forks.
For the, uh -- the pie.
Uh I don't think she likes me.
Oh, of course she likes you.
Yeah, we all like each other.
It's palpable.
Yeah, you know, and remember, sweetie, some girls like to play hard to get.
Speaking of, it's getting late.
We should probably get going.
Oh, but what about your pie? Oh, enjoy.
I will get the plate next time.
Next time.
Right.
All right.
Have a good night.
Not to die on this hill, but Nick Cannon has brought a lot of enjoyment to a lot of people and, unlike Karen's pie, has won actual awards, so I'm just saying.
With college no longer an option, Dalia set out to explore any possible job opportunity that didn't require a degree.
What are all those crazy robot heads? Microwaves.
And that's your station.
I want the office with the window.
That's the drive-thru window, and no.
I want a raise.
I don't think this is gonna work out.
Thank you for considering me.
Food service clearly wasn't Dalia's calling, so she decided to try Carmen's advice about the military.
Get it, girl.
Al-Qaeda's coming! And time! Well, I guess master gunnery sergeant isn't in the cards, which is a shame 'cause their emblem's so darn cute.
Maybe something more blue collar.
Or a Mandarin collar.
Or collar-less.
Or maybe something more coveralls.
Oh, crap.
You hear that? It keeps making that rattle.
Did you check the belt? Car ready? Oh, hey.
No, not yet, sir.
We just need a couple more minutes with her.
Tell you what, why don't I have Dalia wheel you outside so you don't have to smell our fumes And so I don't have to smell his.
'Kay.
I like your wheelchair.
It's tight.
- $50.
- No! $60.
You do realize you are trying to pay your daughter to go on a date with someone she doesn't like.
If I accepted, think about what that would make me.
A team player? You're a terrible parent.
Get out of my room.
Okay, what if I could talk to Kenny? You know, change him.
What -- What -- What is it about him you don't like? Are you kidding, George? He's a total mama's boy.
He's pathetic.
Pathetic or completely justified with an amazing mama like her? What is so amazing about her, George? Please, enlighten me.
Okay.
Okay.
For starters, she smells fantastic.
She has long, shiny hair.
She told that hilarious story about what great time they made on the way over to our place.
She's a boring, beautiful woman.
You just like her because she's hot.
I, however, have slightly higher standards.
So, what you're saying is you'd love to be there but you've come down with a bad case of rickets.
- I get it.
- You're pathetic.
Mommy? Mommy, where are you? Dalia? Is everything okay? Everything is better than okay.
I found my future.
It was at that smelly garage.
Oh, my gosh, yes! The future is always in the last place you think to look for it.
You're a grease monkey! I knew it! No, Mommy, I'm not.
No? Well, then what are you? Accountant? - No.
- Air traffic controller? - No.
- Tastemaker? - No.
- Humorist? Close your eyes and hold your nose.
What? This is Harold.
I'm his problem now.
But we have to build a ramp to my room.
That's Carmen's problem now.
Dalia! You cannot do this.
You cannot go out with that decrepit old man.
That decrepit old man is my everything.
We're soul mates.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get him started on some fluids.
Dalia, he is not your soul mate.
He barely has a soul left.
You can't have any kind of life with that dried-up, shriveled-up, absent-minded, brittle sack of nothing.
Mother-in-laws never like me.
- I won't let you do it.
- I'm an adult.
I don't need you to let me.
I can let myself.
Dalia's safety school was an old man in a wheelchair, so Dallas realized she had to get her into her first choice by any means necessary.
Miss Royce, what can I do for you? You can let my baby into this school.
- I can't do that.
- Oh, but I think you can.
See, I'm prepared to write you a check that will make you look upon my daughter very differently.
So, what you need? New medical school? It's on me.
Let's cure some things up in this bitch.
Miss Royce, please.
It's clear that you love your daughter and I admire that.
But her admittance can't be bought.
It has to be earned.
I'm sorry.
I blew it.
I bought her so many actual gifts I forgot to nurture her natural gifts.
That's not entirely true.
As I recall, she offered me some very keen fashion advice.
She did? She suggested I "belt it.
" I tell you -- it's made a world of difference.
Even my wife noticed.
So, when it comes to belts, Dalia really knows her stuff.
Oh, my gosh! Not about your sexuality.
I totally called that one, but Dalia does have a gift! It will be a cinch.
Did you check the belt? Not the way a good belt can.
Which singer should we vote for, Dalia? The one that can belt.
That's it! That's her future! I've seen it! Belts.
Thank you.
You guys look great tonight.
- Thank you.
- Thanks, George.
So, you do anything exciting today? Are you asking me or my mom? Both of you, but, Karen, why don't you go ahead and take this one.
Mm Well, I made incredible time on the way to the restaurant.
I think I hit every green light.
W-What did I stop, like, twice, Kenny? I don't know.
So, Tessa's really sick, huh? What did you say she had? Rickets.
No, I know what you're thinking.
But th-they are back in a big way.
She might die, so She'll be fine, though, someday.
She just needs to get some sunlight And, uh, milk? I think? I don't know.
Anyway, so, Karen, GPS or free-balling? I think you're full of it.
I don't think Tessa's really sick.
- Kenny.
- No, she -- No, she's absolutely sick.
- Then I'm gonna go check on her.
- Great idea.
And I suppose she'll be really happy to see me.
Yes.
If she isn't, it's o-on account of the - Rickets.
- The rickets.
Exactly.
Oh.
Ohh.
Kenny just really likes your daughter.
I know how he feels.
But I should probably be honest, Karen.
I don't think the feeling's mutual.
Tessa doesn't have rickets.
I wish she did.
Well, I-I don't wish she did.
I wish that was why she's not here.
She's just not Into Kenny, you know? Not the way I'm into you.
Hmm.
I know how she feels.
- I thought you loved Kenny.
- I love Kenny! I'm talking about you.
I only agreed to go out with you because Kenny was so smitten with your daughter.
But if that's not happening, neither is this.
Yeah, well, guess who's getting stuck in rush hour.
You need to stop eating carbs, Harold.
I weigh 63 pounds, you weakling.
Dalia Oprah! Drop that elderly! W-Whoa! Dalia, I sincerely apologize if I have ill-prepared you for the world and/or made you feel like you didn't have a place, but you do! I glimpsed it.
The answer has been right below our waists this whole time.
- Hooking? - No, silly.
Belts! Belts? What kind of belts? Leather belts, replacement belts, buckle belts, title belts, braided belts, sour belts, skinny belts, wide belts, snake belts, chain belts, cummerbunds, big buckle belts, elastic belts, sash? That's what I'm trying to tell -- Studded belts, beaded belts, printed belts, woven belts, cowboy belts, monogrammed, natural fiber, attached? You done? - I truly believe -- - Grosgrain self-tie.
We found your calling.
I'm breaking up with you.
Kenny, I-I'm sorry I lied to you.
Tessa does not have rickets as you can see.
She just didn't want to hang out with you.
Actually Kenny's cool.
He's a lot easier to like when I'm not being forced to like him.
Yeah, we get along a lot better when our parents aren't around.
Really? You don't think the same could be Is it worth trying again with your awesome mom? Sure.
Go for it.
Hey, nothing ventured.
Not a chance in hell.
I wasn't even in college yet and I was already leaving Poor George to fend for himself.
But the fact was, the future was coming and all any of us could do to prepare for it was buckle up.
Get 'em, girl.
Can I help you? - These belts are awesome.
- I know.
I'll take all of them.
Cash or credit? Cash or credit, baby? Cash.
He's heavier than he looks, so lift with your knees.