Sullivan and Son (2012) s03e11 Episode Script

A little candlelight to set the mood.
You're right.
It's kind of romantic in here when all those guys are gone.
Yeah, and it smells a lot better, too.
And, you know, being the owner of this place, it's my own, uh, personal playground.
Really? What do you want to play? I was thinking we could play rugged bartender and lonely businesswoman in town for the night.
But you are a rugged bartender, and I am a lonely businesswoman.
Well, then, we're gonna be good at this.
Steve! Are these your underpants or your father's? Jesus! Is this your mother? No, no.
She's my maid.
Yeah, the maid who pushed your balloon head out of her vagina.
You live with your parents.
No, no.
I don't live with my parents.
Hey, son.
Have you seen my candle that covers up the smells in the bathroom? Okay, okay.
Technically, my parents, they live with me.
Honey, uh, let's leave them alone.
Just tell me whose underpants these are and you can go back to tonight's piece of strange.
What? They're mine.
Those boxer briefs are a revelation.
It's like it takes everything from down there and pulls it into one nice package.
You know, maybe I should go.
Wait.
Now that I look at them, of course they're your father's.
They're too big for your little balls.
da da da da, da da da, da, da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! Make it a quick one, Steve.
I'm meeting a couple of fellas here.
My 7:00 is this really great guy I met on Stamps.
com.
Carol, uh, Stamps.
com is not a dating service.
Why don't you try something like, uh, eharmony? Oh, Steve, anyone can meet someone on eharmony.
Stamps.
com is for people who never get tired of licking.
Yeah, I like the Internet machine, too.
I just sit there, and I type in stuff that's in my head, and I found that there's a lot of people out there who agree with what's up here.
So I put the real Hank out there.
Steve black people don't use the Internet, do they? Hank, remember when you asked me to tell you when you say something offensive? Yeah, but that was about the Jews.
No, that was pretty much about everybody.
I can't keep up! All of a sudden, it's 1993 and the rules have changed.
Steve, have you seen this month's books? Not good.
Here's what came in.
Here's what went out.
See, you want this number to be larger.
Yeah, I get math, Susan.
I'm Korean, too.
You're really terrible at running a business.
Not like us, right, mom? Every time you call me "mom," it breaks my heart.
Sorry, mom.
Are you trying to kill me?! Why is she so mean to me? You know the word "mom" is one of her trigger words.
Remember the time you used "mom" and "hug" in the same sentence? You ruined Christmas.
Look, you want to turn this thing around, just get everyone to start paying their bar tabs.
Ugh, collecting money from my friends is the worst part about this job.
- I hate this.
- Not me.
Say hello to Dr.
Pain! He makes house calls.
- Owen, you got any money? - No.
Then put your hand on the bar.
Pick your least-favorite finger.
Mom! Mom! Steve, will you call your mom off? Hey, this is on you guys.
If you just paid up, this wouldn't be happening.
It doesn't seem right that we have to pay for beer.
You just get it from the tap, anyway.
A-and where does the beer in the tap come from, Owen? Beer Mountain.
L-look, everybody has to pay, okay? And anybody else got any problems with me? You suck, Steve! Wow.
That was fast.
Last week, my wife made me sleep on the couch and you gave me terrible advice! He told me to listen to her and to really take in what she's saying! Aww.
That's crazy, Steve.
What? That's good advice! She hasn't stopped talking for six straight days! It's all this "I feel," "how do you feel?" "I feel this," "I feel that," "I want to know how you feel.
" You want to know how I feel? I feel like I want you to shut the hell up! What am I supposed to do now? Well, I don't know.
Why are you asking me? I'm single.
There's people that get paid money to do this.
They're called marriage counselors.
But they don't give me free beer.
Not free.
Roy, you got any money? No.
Point to your least-favorite testicle.
Steve.
I totally like this one guy, but I'm also into this other guy who's really bad for me.
Which one should I Just pick the nice guy.
But the other guy's really hot.
Then pick him.
But he doesn't text me back.
I'm starting to see why.
Wow, somebody's stressed-out.
You know what I do when I get stressed-out? I reach into my nightstand and I pull out my three-speed little friend, Mr.
Buzzby.
I prefer to work out.
Well, if you use Mr.
Buzzby in the right way, it is a workout.
Uh, mega apologies, Steve, but I just plugged up the crapper.
Tell me the fun part about this job again.
Selling the bar to your son.
You know, you told me that being a bartender was like being a king.
Your majesty Your scepter.
Uh, be careful in there, Steve.
It's a number three.
What the hell's a number three? All I know is a number six took out my father.
Okay.
No more number threes in there.
Hank, next time just go to the hospital.
Steve, are you done in here? There's a line of people who really need to use the bathroom.
Starting with us.
Uh, you, sir, have lost your bathroom privileges.
I'm not too proud to diaper up.
Well, at least I fixed one thing today.
You see that?! What you did is so disgusting, even the toilet's throwing up! In all my years as a plumber, that's only the second number three I've ever seen.
Well, thanks.
I saw a number six once, and it killed the man.
Papa.
I can't do this anymore.
Do what? You know, I'm sick of trying to save people's marriages, fixing exploding toilets.
Trying to beg my friends to pay their bar tab.
I just want to pour beer.
What are you doing, kid? I'm done being responsible for everything and everybody.
So you know what, dad? I'm checking out.
What are you talking about? You're a bar man.
We don't "check out.
" If I don't, I'm gonna lose my mind, and now I got to pay a plumber hazard pay when I'm past due on all my other bills.
Seriously, I don't know which one to pay first The cable or the electric.
Where's Roy? I'm right here next to you, Hank.
Oh.
I figured you'd be at the register.
Steve.
Steve! What are you doing out here? Still checking out.
I'm watching some YouTube videos.
Great.
While you're watching a squirrel water-ski, there's work to be done.
Look, I get the point, dad, but, seriously.
What's the big deal if I just take a little time off I guess I'll have to show you.
What the How the hell did we Did we teleport? Dad, is teleporting something men in our family have always been able to do and you've been waiting to tell me till I was ready? Kid, if I could teleport myself, would I be in Pittsburgh?! I'm dreaming, right? Now you got it.
I'm gonna show you what happens when a bar man checks out.
It's one of those teaching dreams.
Ah, I hate those.
Why can't I have a sex dream? You really want me in that dream? No.
All right, so what are you showing me here? Everything looks the same.
Look closer.
Hello, adorable young people.
Come in for one of Ok Cha's famous hugs! She's nice? I'm sorry.
I'm just a hugger.
All right, what's the bad part about mom being nice? The bad part is what's happened to your sister.
What's this? A glass? - No.
Look closer.
- Oh I see my beautiful daughter.
There's a water spot.
How careless of me.
Should I assume the punishment position? S-so, you're telling me all this happened to mom and Susan because I took a little break? There was a power vacuum.
Susan grabbed it.
And your mother, like all good Koreans, instantly accepted the new leader.
So, what exactly am I supposed to be learning here, dad? Well, all I know is that when you're behind the bar, you let everybody be themselves.
When you're not, everybody goes off the rails.
Well, Hank seems the same.
Susan, I'd like to share with you how much I support and celebrate the fact that you are an empowered, actualized, female person.
Oh, my god.
Hank had a stroke? With you not there to keep him in line, he offended somebody at work and they sent him to sensitivity training.
Did you have fun at the gospel brunch, Hank? Fo' sho'.
Those peeps be my homies! No diggity, no doubt! After the training, he got all confused and questioned everything.
Well, I'm off to pilates.
Come join us at the chastity mission, where our motto is, "don't masturbate, celibate" Carol? I'm still working on that motto.
The last one did offend some people.
"If you're looking for the original three-way, try the father, son, and the holy ghost.
" I still can't get over it.
Carol's a nun.
The good part is that Hank got most of her old clothes.
How did this happen? Well, Carol had an active lifestyle with men, and a lot of people judged her for that, but you never did.
You always made her feel good about herself.
Without you, she started to feel ashamed, so she became a nun.
A nun.
Sister, can I ask you a question? Of course, young man Whose bulging calf muscle is protruding alluringly from his leather pant leg.
Stop! No! That's not you! I find you very attractive, sister.
Do you want to get out of here? Your sanctuary or mine? Oh, no! This little of mine, I'm gonna let it shine What's happening? She sings till the urge goes away.
Jesus showed me the light, I'm gonna let it shine let it shine, let it shine, let it shine Hey, uh, where are the guys at? I haven't seen them yet.
Well, they don't really hang out together anymore.
Why not? There's one reason why.
What's your flavor, baby? How about we go lay across my big brass bed? That's Roy? Without you to give him marital advice, Roy ended up getting divorced.
Don't be a hater.
Tell me you want some of Roy's jammy.
All right, I'm dreaming and that made my skin crawl.
I can't watch any more of this.
Where's Owen? Well, without you to pay attention to him, he had to get it somewhere else.
Holy shit.
Duck Duck goose.
I'm really sorry.
Hey.
I'm really sorry, guys.
I'm really sorry.
Lou! We're gonna need a new pole.
You can't take your dollar back.
Who raised you?! Can we stop jumping around so much, dad? I'm starting to get teleporting sickness.
Or maybe it was just Owen's g-string.
You think that was bad? You know who else is different? Ahmed? Oh, my God.
What happened to him? Nothing.
He's exactly the same.
But you know who isn't? That's Melanie? This guy she was dating broke her heart, but you didn't want to hear about it, so she buried her pain with food and never stopped.
Ahmed, notice anything different? Of course.
You lost some weight.
Right.
I can see your eyes.
Everybody seems to be loving and supportive towards her.
She has tri-abetes.
I got a phat-ass tip on some big-ass necklaces.
You want in? True dat.
If it ain't chunky, it ain't funky.
Hello, young man.
My, aren't you delicious.
Please join us at the chastity mission.
We have services every Friday and Saturday night in the back of the rectum I-I mean rectory.
Oh, God! Group song, everyone! this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine this little light of mine - I love holding your hand, Roy.
- I'm gonna let it shine this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine let it shine, let it shine, let it You know, dad, I got to say, this is the worst teaching dream ever.
What am I supposed to be learning? Everybody's different, but they're still happy.
The dream's not over yet.
There's one more thing I got to show you.
Now, that guy looks familiar.
Holy crap, we all do look alike.
Why is the door locked? What happened? Sullivan & son is closed.
Everybody's gone.
They all went their separate ways.
I didn't want Sullivan & Son to close.
I was I was burnt out.
I I just wanted a little break.
Right, but everybody's happy.
But I'm not happy.
Ah, so who got taught by his own dream, huh? You see, when you bought this place, you didn't just get a bar.
You got the people who came with it.
There's a responsibility that comes with that.
You're the captain of the ship.
You can't take your hands off the wheel.
No such thing as a part-time bar man.
So, got your text message.
Uh, what's up? Just wanted to know if you wanted anything from the bar.
Like what? I don't know.
Maybe something to remind you of this place.
That your family has owned for 60 years.
Nah, I'm good.
That's been part of the fabric of this community.
Oh, come on, dad.
The panda express is gonna do great here.
That's all you have to say? That's all I have to say? This place passed its time a long time ago.
This place defines who we are.
You don't feel anything? I feel like orange chicken.
What a dick! I'm gonna punch this guy out! Let me at me, dad! I want to kick my ass! Steve! Steve! Wake up.
Dad.
Wait a minute.
Hello? Hi, Steve.
Oh, thank God.
Everybody's here.
Uh, Hank How do you feel about women in the workplace? Uh, bullshit.
Yes! Melanie, what are you eating? A salad? Yes! Hey, Owen.
Have you recently worn a g-string? No.
Yes! Hey, Ahmed.
Carol, where are you going? Oh, I'm off to church.
Oh, no, it's happening again.
Well, first I confess my sins to the priest, and then we work on making new ones.
I'm loving this new pope.
So am I! Steve! Bring it in.
Turns out that listening to a woman thing you hooked me up with was revolutionary! My wife is so into me now.
Sex wasn't this good when the sex was good.
Turns out, if you're willing to take in what a woman is saying, she's willing to take you in, even at work after hours on top of your boss' desk.
That's awesome.
Thanks, Steve.
Hey, that's what I'm here for.
You know, dad, I get what you mean about not checking out.
Helping out Roy feels good, and that'll get you through some pretty crappy bar days.
Did for me.
I'm sure it will for you.
Are you feeling okay, kid? You seem a little off.
Yeah, I I had this weird dream.
The bar was closing, everything was different.
Susan was mean.
Mom was nice.
Your mother was nice? That's a major turnoff for me.
I need your mother's rage for the jackhammer.
I know.
Yeah, I got it! I got it! Hold on a second.
How do I know this is real? I've seen this before in movies, where the dream is real, but then it's not, but then it is.
Mom, if I was a customer and I ran out on the bill, what would you do? I'd track you down.
And then? Choose your least-favorite eye.
Whoa! It's go time! Yes! So, Steve, you look like you're feeling better.
I'm all good, dad.
Just grateful to be a bar man.
Steve, the cable's out again.
And the fridge is broken.
And there are ants in the pretzels.
I mean, they're not bad, but still.
This doesn't get any easier, does it? You want the truth? Not really.
But, dad, tell me, how did you keep it going all these years by yourself? Well, I wasn't by myself.
I had your mother.
I guess I got to find someone like her.
Oh, God, that sounds bad.
Don't worry.
You'll find the right one for you.
But how do I know when she's "the one"? Hi, Steve.
Hang on a second, Melanie.
I mean, if there's just a sign, something that said, "this is the woman I should be with" Steve.
I said, "just a second.
" Someone with similar interests, somebody I had a lot in common with.
Steve, I just wanted to ask you if you downloaded that new Haim song I told you about.
I did, yeah, it's awesome.
You know they're coming to town? - Oh, we should go.
- Definitely.
You know, somebody who just gets me and it's easy.
Someone I could spend the rest of my life with.
Buy me a drink, and we'll talk.