Teachers (2016) s03e11 Episode Script

1 [ROCK MUSIC.]
Some of the parishioners didn't like the statue he bought, but then Pastor Ted explained that with all the walking He did, Jesus probably did have abs, so we're gonna keep it.
Oh, looks like we got a new neighbor.
Ugh, good.
That old couple was so annoying.
The husband getting wheeled out for dialysis every day, it's like, we get it.
You're dying.
Seems nice.
I wonder if they've got kids.
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC.]
[BEAR GRUNTS.]
Is that a Yep, that's a bear.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
The sitch is cray.
Why would anyone own a bear, especially near a school? I mean, what's to stop it from walking onto campus? If it's a pet, he's overcompensating.
You know what they say: big pet, little dick.
I'll go talk to him.
I'm sure once I express our concerns, he'll be reasonable and put up a fence.
- Aloha! - Hey! Look at your fun hair.
- Thanks.
- What are you doing here? I thought you had two more weeks of maternity leave? Ugh, I needed a leave from my leave.
Compared to staying home and taking care of a newborn, work is a vacation.
I can't spend any more time with that gassy, defecating blob of fat.
[GASPS.]
Deb! Relax, I'm talking about Damien.
Oh, hello there, coffee I didn't have to make with one hand.
That's from yesterday.
Mmm, tastes like freedom.
Good morning, ladies.
Uh-oh.
Oh, I never realized there was a rug here.
How interesting.
Hmm, squares and squares.
Okay, what was that? Yeah, I thought your breakup wasn't that bad.
It wasn't.
I just never want to see him again, ever, and if he gets hit by a bus, then so be it.
Oh, good, I thought there was an issue.
I just really need a break from him.
Luckily, I have jury duty tomorrow.
I hope I get sequestered for one of those cases where they catch a guy who's been eating people and using their skulls as soup bowls.
Honestly, that sounds delightful.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Look what I drew, Miss Cannon.
Oh, it's a bear, and you're riding it.
- Yeah.
- Another reason why art sucks.
Miss Snap, at recess, can we please go play with the bear? No! No one go near the bear.
Bears are dangerous.
Pooh bear isn't dangerous.
He spends all of his time with a tiny pig, and he never eats him.
Man, I wish I had a bear.
I'd trick it out like a Build-A-Bear and make him look like my uncle.
I'd give him wraparound sunglasses, cutoff jean shorts, and put him on a Jet Ski.
Okay, I know bears seem cool on TV and in books, but real bears aren't like Paddington or Yogi or big hairy rugged masculine gay guys.
That bear across the street could kill you.
If bears aren't awesome, then why did Chicago name a football and a baseball team after them? [ROCK MUSIC.]
[SNORING.]
Good morning.
This is the worst.
We could be here forever.
[GASPS.]
Oh, do you really think so? Caroline? Toby.
What are you doing here? I'm here for jury duty.
What are you doing here? I'm here for jury duty too.
Ah.
So how are you doing? Great, really great.
I love my new apartment.
It's magical.
Even with my limited finances, I found a place where I can't see my kitchen from my bed.
- That's nice.
- It is.
Did I tell you I've been taking spontaneous bike rides? I've also rediscovered my passion for cooking eggplant dishes, and I just found out I have an aunt I didn't know about.
I can honestly say I've never been happier in my life.
I just got a new Instapot, so I'm doing great too.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
[SEAGULLS CAWING.]
Mrs.
Adler, Tommy won't let me on the slide.
Uh, did he crap in his pants, make you change his diaper, then puke on you while you wiped cream onto his butthole? No Then roll with it, Jude.
The sun is shining.
The birds are chirping.
Mahalo.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Hidey ho, neighbor.
Hey there.
I'm Mary Louise Bennigan.
I teach across the street at Fillmore.
I just wanted to stop by and welcome you to the neighborhood.
Oh, I'm Gary.
Nice to meet you.
My wife and I just moved here from Wyoming.
Oh, well, welcome.
And it's lovely to see what you've done with the place, the porch furniture, the potted plants, and did I happen to notice a loose bear? Oh, yeah, that's my boy, Chaucer.
[CHUCKLES.]
He's a real pistol.
I bet he is.
It's just, I'm a little concerned about a bear living across the street from a school.
Don't worry, I would never let Chaucer off my property.
Oh, I know you wouldn't, Gary, but you can't be with Chaucer 24 to the 7.
And since it seems fairly easy breezy, you know, maybe you could put up a little fence so the big guy doesn't get out.
I completely understand your concern, but I'm a very responsible bear owner.
Actually, at one point, I thought about getting rid of Chaucer, but we had a break-in, and having a bear makes my wife feel safer.
Uh-huh.
But what if a child tries to put his hand in the bear's mouth? [BEAR GROWLS.]
If a kid wants to put his hand in Chaucer's mouth, he's gonna do it.
A fence won't stop him.
Yeah, I guess you have a point.
Plus I checked the ordinances before I moved, and there's no law saying I need a fence.
Oh, really, no law? Oh, you can't argue with that.
- Snickerdoodle? - Oh! Mmm, now, these are dangerous.
[BEAR GROANS.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
We got so lucky with the weather, and nobody's hanging off my tits.
Life is good.
[GASPS.]
How'd it go with grizzly man? - Great.
- So he's gonna put up a fence? Oh, no.
Legally, he doesn't have to.
Right, but he should.
Yeah, but he's a responsible bear owner, so I don't think we need to worry.
So, what, he's just gonna Jedi mind trick the bear into never leaving his yard? Yeah, this is ridiculous.
After school, we're taking some real action.
Okay, Cecelia, but don't dump red paint on the bear.
It's his own fur.
He's allowed to wear it.
We're going to the city council.
So, Councilwoman Taylor, that's why we'd like some legislation requiring bear owners to have fences around their yards.
You want me to ban bears? No, never said that.
Didn't even imply it.
What's next, you don't like the way some Shih Tzu looks at you, so we outlaw all Shih Tzus? "Oh, that Shih Tzu might bite my finger.
" - Bye-bye, Mr.
Scrunch! - Who's Mr.
Scrunch? - My Shih Tzu.
- Oh.
Listen, my constituents all have varying beliefs.
I can't force your particular opinions on everyone.
Okay, first of all, enough with the condensation.
- [WHISPERS.]
Condescension.
- Do not correct me in public! Second of all, we don't want to get rid of bears.
We just want our neighbor to take some extra safety measures.
Okay.
Ladies, I understand your concerns, and I promise you that I will look into this issue and find a fair and reasonable compromise.
Ew, who are you, Howie Mandel? [CHUCKLES.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
[LAUGHING.]
I'm telling you, Apollonia, you've got to watch "The Golden Girls.
" Fair warning: you will crave cheesecake.
[LAUGHS.]
I don't have good English.
Apollonia, you flirt.
[LAUGHING.]
- What is this guy's deal? - I know, right? Jacob.
Hi, Caroline.
What are you doing here? I'm defending a client.
You finally went back to law school.
Wow, I'm so glad you improved yourself after we broke up.
[LAUGHING.]
So when was the last time we saw each other? When I proposed to my wife and you told me to eat shit repeatedly.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, we did have some fun, didn't we? That's too much, way too much.
You're pathetic, bringing your ex-boyfriend to jury duty.
What? I didn't.
And you should talk, trying to make me jealous with that woman in the jewel-toned tracksuit.
I didn't think it would bother you.
How's your stupid new aunt? How dare you talk about my new Aunt Connie! That's it.
You need to get a postponement.
Go up to the woman behind the bulletproof glass This is exactly why we broke up.
You have to control every situation.
We didn't break up because I'm controlling.
We broke up because you can't handle a strong woman.
Jacob, my man, you get it.
Whose fault do you think it was? I'm just here for a client.
Oh! You want to bring other people into this? Great, we've got a room full of jurors here.
You want to take me to court? Oh, absolutely.
Then consider me subpoenaed.
Bum, bum [ROCK MUSIC FLOURISH.]
They're gonna teach me how to teach? I don't want to be taught how to teach.
I'm a teacher.
That's why I teach.
Change of plans, people.
There's a new agenda for today.
- [BOX SLAMS.]
- Oh! Councilwoman Taylor talked the district into mandatory bear preparedness training.
I will be taking you through a series of exercises and familiarizing you with various weapons [GRUNTS.]
In order to protect yourselves in the event of a bear attack.
Are you kidding me? Cantaloupe, grocery store muffins, hard-boiled eggs.
[GASPS.]
And I'm the only one I have to feed.
Is being sad and having low expectations a hormonal thing? [ROCK MUSIC FLOURISH.]
Mr.
Pearson, would you say that you can sometimes be insecure? No, I don't think that's true.
Do you remember the events of August 4th, 2017, when I hired an electrician? Vaguely.
Let me refresh your memory.
You made me fire the electrician so you could prove what a man you were and do the work yourself.
And what happened? [QUIETLY.]
I zapped my testicles.
I'm sorry? A little louder so the jury can please hear you? I zapped my testicles.
You zapped your testicles.
The outlet was waist-level.
Anyone my height would have zapped their testicles.
No further questions.
Mm-mm.
[INTENSE MUSIC.]
"When you encounter a bear, shield yourself and slowly back away.
" [GASPS.]
I know it's tempting to eat me because my ass looks big, plump, round, and juicy, but it's actually just gel pads.
That's not true.
I was just trying to trick the bear.
Pass, and no one thinks your ass looks like that.
[GASPS.]
"River rocks are an excellent way to deter an attacking bear.
" - Ow! - And after seeing you throw, it's no wonder you teach art.
Pass.
Okay, now, distract him.
Spray the bear musk.
Spray the musk! Spray the musk! Mr.
Franklin, as someone who was romantically involved with Ms.
Watson, how would you describe that experience? Uh, fun at first.
She was smart, put together, beautiful, could wear the hell out of a headband, but, uh, after a few months, she became very controlling.
Oh? Can you give us an example? She used to make me listen to a lot of Broadway musicals.
I mean, what man really wants to listen to the soundtrack to "Carousel," right? Right? I mean, real men prefer something sexier, like "Pippin.
" Also, she used to go, "Eh, eh, eh" every time I didn't use a coaster.
Members of the jury, there you have it, proof that Ms.
Watson destroys every relationship she enters.
I rest my case, Your Honor.
Okay, you guys huddle up by the vending machine and decide who did the murder.
[ROCK MUSIC FLOURISH.]
"Congratulations on completing "your bear attack preparedness training.
"Use these skills wisely "to save the lives of your students and colleagues.
Be the hero your local government knows you can be.
" This training was stupid.
It would have been so much easier to build a fence.
Really? I legit enjoyed being here.
The food was great, the time was relaxing, and the company was enjoyable.
Five stars.
Come on, Chelsea, chase me.
Try to eat me up like a bear.
[GASPS.]
Mary Louise, no! [GASPS.]
[INTENSE MUSIC.]
[BEAR ROARS.]
[BEAR ROARS.]
Oh, shit.
Remember your training.
[BEAR GROWLS.]
Okay, Mr.
Bear, just so you know, I do wear gel pads.
- [BEAR GROWLS.]
- [ALL GASP.]
- [BEAR ROARS.]
- [ALL SCREAMING.]
[BEAR GROWLING.]
[CUP BANGS.]
Will the woman with the bald spot please stand? Yeah, girl, you.
Have you all decided who's guilty? No, we got close, but Henry pointed out that she wears loafers, which turns some people against her, and Ned thinks that he wears makeup, and, well, that threw everybody off, so, no, we ended up with a hung jury.
No! You have to tell us whose fault it is! And we have to clear up this makeup thing! Your Honor, I'm sorry, I know this is highly unorthodox, but I I need to say something.
I can see that you both have a lot of anger, but anger is almost always downstream of some other strong emotion, and, in this case, I think that emotion is love.
[TENDER MUSIC.]
Relationships are a two-way street, and and for whatever reasons, it didn't work out for you two, but you both tried your best, right? And and I don't think either of you are to blame.
Thank you, Jacob.
That was really touching, eloquent, and thoughtful.
But you can still eat shit.
Mary Louise, spray the wall with the musk! Oh, oh, great! Now he's gonna [BLEEP.]
us before he eats us! [BEAR ROARING.]
Ow! Oh, God, I didn't sign up for this! I just want to teach! Oh, my God, ow! Literally none of these rocks are hitting the bear! [BEAR GROWLING.]
Caroline, I'm sorry for the way I acted.
I want you to be happy.
I want you to be happy too.
You're a good man, and I'm sorry if my issues with control ever made you doubt that.
And I'm sorry if my insecurity sometimes caused me to act like a fool.
I think I just didn't want to lose you.
- [MOANING.]
- Oh, yeah! Yeah! - [INTENSE MUSIC.]
- Chelsea, take off your shoe! No! These are Aldo! Come on.
Oh my God! [BEAR GROWLS.]
This is crazy! He's never gonna stop chasing us! I'm gonna fight the bear! [SCREAMS.]
[BEAR ROARS.]
[WHIMPERING.]
[WHISPERS.]
I think he's gone.
[BEAR GROANS.]
Excuse me, Miss.
You forgot your headband.
You never fail to bang it right off.
Care Bear, what are we doing? We clearly still have feelings for each other.
Why don't we get back together? Uh I don't think that's a good idea.
Why? I think we should just be friends.
Friends? We just made love in the bathroom of the county courthouse.
I know, and it wasn't smart.
Seeing both you and Jacob today made me realize that I have to stop depending on a man to make my life complete.
I need some time to focus on myself.
So it was just sex? You you trollop.
Oh, give me a break.
You got your rocks off too, asshole.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, I want to make this work.
Oh, Apollonia.
Today I join with you in mourning the loss of property and productivity caused by yesterday's senseless bear attack.
I feel your pain, but I urge us all not to politicize this moment.
Sadly, there is no way to prevent something like this from happening.
I wish there were.
But today my thoughts and prayers are with all those affected by this tragedy.
God bless.
[SCOFFS.]
Hi, Gary! I got your check! [ROCK MUSIC.]
[BEAR ROARS.]
Miss Snap, that bear sucks.
He ruined all of my artwork.
Paddington would never have done this.
I know.
If there's no fence, the bear can still get out, right? That's right.
So what do we do now? We wait.