The Carmichael Show (2015) s03e11 Episode Script

1 The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.
- Bobby, are you okay? - Yeah, I'm okay.
Well, how'd you get yourself electrocuted, son? You didn't put a George Foreman Grill on the edge of your tub again, did you? I told you, Bobby, burgers can wait until after you're done with your bath.
No, no, no.
I was at work, and my boss had me rewiring the lights in the lobby.
Yeah, but you're not an electrician, you are a super.
The only thing you're supposed to be doing is looking for mold and evicting prostitutes.
Okay, Bobby, I hope you're all right and everything, but I got $100 riding on this.
Were you trying to cook burgers in the bathtub again? No, okay? Will somebody give me some credit? I gave you credit, Bobby, and it won me $100.
Man, I hate my job.
I'm just not cut out to be fixing things.
As soon as he touched those wires, he shot across the room.
Made me realize how scared I am of the police.
He was unconscious for seven minutes, and I still didn't call 911.
Come here, baby.
Now, hold on now, Cynt.
We got to make sure all the electricity is out of him.
(alarmed shouts) (laughter) I got you on that, didn't I? - I just reached out - (shouting) I guess it's time to charge my phone.
(shouting) Joe, you are so good at lightening the mood.
(sarcastically): Ha ha! Okay, when I was laying on death's door, I realized that my life hasn't meant anything so far, and that if I died today, I wouldn't have anything to leave behind but three pair of Jordans and this Apple Watch.
Dammit, Bobby, you stole my Apple Watch.
Well, it's mine now, and it's all I got.
Uh-oh.
What's going on, Nekeisha? I posted on Facebook to pray for Bobby 'cause he hurt himself, and most people misunderstood and think he tried to commit suicide.
Dammit, Nekeisha.
Oh, look, they set up a memorial fund.
Oh, that's nice.
That's so nice.
Every little bit helps.
Look at these comments.
"RIP Bobby.
" "Sad day.
" "The signs were all there"? Why does everybody think I tried to kill myself? Hello, I'm Dr.
Hunt.
Doctor, this isn't gonna cause some kind of long-term erectile dysfunction, is it? Mom! I want grandbabies.
There's nothing to worry about.
All his test results came back fine.
Just be careful out there next time, okay? All right, man.
Thank you, Doc Wait.
Darnell Hunt? Darnell Hunt from Reynolds High? Yes.
It's me, man Bobby Carmichael.
We was in the same class.
Oh, yeah, I remember you.
You used to date that girl in the wheelchair.
Yeah, that's something I did briefly.
How are you old enough to be a doctor? Well, after high school I did four years of college, then four years of medical school, then two years of residency and one year of internship.
And I've been practicing medicine the last five years.
I'm 34, just like you.
Oh, yeah.
(chuckles) Okay, I got to go.
It was good seeing you, Bobby.
Take care, everybody.
A young, black doctor.
I bet he drives a Tesla.
I get so proud when I see black people driving Teslas.
Man, seeing how great Darnell's doing makes me feel like a loser.
Don't say that, Bobby.
His name is Dr.
Hunt.
All right, that settles it.
I know what I got to do.
Bobby Carmichael is going to college.
(laughing) Well, come on, y'all, laugh at the boy's joke about going to college.
Don't hurt his feelings.
That's what I get for opening up to you all.
Well, now, look, Bobby, how the hell was I supposed to know you were serious about wanting to go to college? Well, now you know I'm serious.
Should I go? - Bobby? - No, mmmm.
Bobby could be the first Carmichael to go to college.
What kind of family doesn't support that? A family full of jackals who don't care about my future.
Bobby, you are not built for college.
I remember when you were in the third grade, and I read your "How I Spent My Summer Vacation" paper.
I thought, this is a kid who will never go to college.
But you can't give up on a child in the third grade.
Yeah, but you didn't read that paper.
The teacher called us in.
She was so upset, poor lady.
She quit a couple weeks after that.
Went back to working at the zoo.
Said she was done with humans altogether.
Look, I think college is a scam, anyway.
Bobby, you might as well just join the Church of Scientology.
At least they give you industry connections and a wife to cover up your homosexuality.
Bobby, if you really want to be successful, you should focus on developing your personality.
Being able to charm and communicate with people can get you anything you want.
And if your personality is good enough, you can earn one of those honorary degrees like they gave to Bill Cosby.
Before the rapes.
Come on, don't act like the man never accomplished anything.
First of all, Jerrod, your personality is not as good as you think it is.
And stop being so dismissive of college.
You can get experiences in college that you can't get anywhere else.
Like what? Like an education or valuable connections that can help you later in life.
Maxine, those are all things you can get in prison.
JOE: Well, you know, college and prison do have a lot in common.
They both have terrible food, they force you to have a roommate and sexual assault goes virtually unpunished.
Okay, college is a lot more than that.
College is nothing like prison.
I can't believe I have to say that.
Well, Maxine, I don't think you can judge since you've only been to one college and zero prisons.
Bobby, in college you can expand your mind and grow as a person.
I don't know.
I think you can learn more from YouTube than college, okay? Look at me.
I mastered origami.
I'm an expert bread maker, and I'm a midwife.
Bobby, it's just that when people go to college, they know what they want to study, and they have a career in mind.
They have focus and goals that they want to achieve.
You're just not that guy.
Look, okay, I'm not trying to be a doctor like Darnell.
I just don't want to do a job I hate.
Want to do something more fulfilling.
Well, I got to get to my very fulfilling job as TSA.
I sleep well at night knowing that I protect America by doing random searches on anyone with a last name I can't pronounce.
Bobby, college can help you find a fulfilling career.
Like, I have a client.
He was 39 and homeless, and then going back to school turned his entire life around.
In two years, he got his associate's degree, and now he's an electrical engineer.
He just electrocuted himself, Maxine.
If you worried about people thinking that you a failure, just have a child.
That's a perfect excuse for your life not to go anywhere.
CYNTHIA: Yeah, Bobby.
Forget about this college.
You could become a parent tomorrow.
We'll just adopt one of them little Chinese babies.
Well, that settles it.
We gonna be Chinese grandparents.
Bobby, please don't adopt a Chinese baby.
Think about it.
You're gonna feel real bad about yourself when you got a Chinese baby that's smarter than you by the time he's seven years old.
Look, okay, I'm not trying to adopt a Chinese baby.
I just want a career.
Look, you're my parents.
You supposed to encourage me.
Man, you know something? Never mind.
Forget it.
Well, somebody's acting like a Chinese baby.
(sighs) Don't you guys realize the damage you do when you talk to Bobby like that? No wonder he has low self-esteem.
Do not blame us, Maxine.
We raised Jerrod the exact same way, and he has more self-esteem than he deserves.
Yeah.
Yeah, I really do.
(scoffs) I think we all need to go in there, and we need to go and tell Bobby that he can do anything he sets his mind to.
But, Maxine, he can't.
You know, the key to raising kids is to keep their expectations low.
Now, what does every child that has shot up a school have in common? They were being pushed too hard by their parents.
You can say whatever you like about Bobby's lack of accomplishments, but he has never participated in a school massacre.
Maxine, you can't keep filling him up with all this ridiculous nonsense he has no hope of accomplishing.
That's like putting rocket fuel in a Toyota Corolla.
Listen, saying anyone can do anything they set their mind to sounds great in theory, but it's just not true for the real world.
It's just a thing we say, like "Money can't buy happiness" or "All brides are beautiful.
" All I know is Bobby is in the kitchen right now feeling completely disempowered.
So if you guys won't tell him that you believe in him, I will.
Bobby I want you to know that I think you are an extraordinary, intelligent, sensitive person.
I am sure you can do anything that you put your mind to.
You mean that? I do.
Thanks, Maxine.
It means a lot.
Hey, son.
(clears throat) Father.
Your mother and I don't want you being all disempowered.
We're sorry, Bobby.
We didn't mean to hurt you.
We thought you didn't believe in you, either.
See, we always were trying to be realistic with you, son.
We didn't want you to aim too high 'cause we didn't want you get hurt.
Look, I know that.
That's why I actually picked a career that a guy like me can actually do.
I want to be a therapist just like Maxine.
Wait, what? - Well, Bobby, you can definitely do that.
- That's a good idea.
And I am so proud of you for not aiming too high.
You are a great listener, Bobby, and, you know, I was gonna suggest hairdresser, but now this is even better 'cause you don't even have to learn to cut hair.
So, what you think, Maxine? Yeah, Maxine.
What do you think? Bobby's gonna do your job.
It's good.
It's very good, so good.
(laughs) Maxine, you're not going over your case files, are you? I told you, I don't like talking about inner-city pedophilia in the morning.
It ruins the breakfast experience.
Jerrod, I'd appreciate it if you didn't make jokes about my job.
(laughs) Somebody's still mad.
No, I'm not mad.
Well, just admit it, Maxine.
You're upset because Bobby thinks he's smart enough to do your job.
No, Bobby can do many things.
So, you do think Bobby's smart enough to do your job.
This has nothing to do with being smart.
It's just that it's-it's four years of college and then three years of grad school and I just, I just don't think that Bobby's skills Mm-hmm.
are the right match to be a therapist.
You mean like the skill of smartness? (knock at door) - Oh, thank God you're home.
- What happened? Well, your brother asked us to cosign a $5,000 student loan at 30% interest.
I love that boy, but only up to $1,300.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, Maxine.
The bank classified him as an extraordinarily high risk.
Apparently, they don't believe in him as much as you do.
So, what did you tell him? Nothing.
We just said we were thirsty and we went in the kitchen, then we snuck out the back door.
Well, you should know that Maxine doesn't think he's smart enough to be a therapist, either.
What?! Well, why the hell did you encourage him in the first place? I did not say that Bobby wasn't smart enough and this has nothing to do with anyone being smarter than anyone else.
I know that you can't rank people like that.
Of course you can; that's what schools do.
They rank you from the smartest to the dumbest people.
Maxine, we all think it, whether we say it out loud or not.
Like in this room, I'd say it goes me, then you, then Mom, then Dad.
I don't think that's fair, Jerrod.
It's Dad, then you, then me, then Maxine.
That is very sweet, honey, but I've always said women are smarter than men.
That means it's you, then me, then Jerrod, then Maxine.
Yes.
Okay, I don't believe in ranking in people, but I know I shouldn't be at the bottom.
(knock at door) Hey, Jerrod.
Joe, Cynthia, I've been looking for y'all.
Bobby quit his job so he can go to school full-time, - so we gonna have to move in with y'all.
- What?! You should know that I got three rules, okay? I smoke weed when I want, I play the trumpet when I want and the third one's a secret.
Joe, Bobby cannot move back in.
I hate looking him in the eye every morning at breakfast, pretending like I didn't hear him up there listening to that porn the night before.
Y'all need to move in with Jerrod and Maxine.
She's the one that started all this.
Okay, cool.
Look, I got three rules.
Maxine, look what you've done.
You've destroyed our family by believing in Bobby.
Now we got to listen to Nekeisha's trumpet solos every night.
And I'm gonna admit it, I'm not good.
I cannot believe Bobby quit his job.
Mm-hmm, and he trying to bankrupt this family.
And for what, Maxine? Just so you can make a point? (sighs) Fine, I will go crush his dreams.
Is that what you want to hear? - Thank you.
- Yeah, finally.
- Yeah.
Bobby! BOBBY: I'm in the kitchen, Ma.
Hey, where did you guys go? I've been looking for you for 45 minutes.
Maxine, go.
I don't know, maybe I shouldn't do this.
It could devastate him.
Maxine finish him.
No, no, I'm just playing.
Good luck in there.
Hey, Bobby.
Oh, hey, look, check this out.
Central Piedmont Community College.
And they asked me who's my biggest inspiration.
And I was gonna type in Frederick Douglass, but screw Frederick Douglass.
My biggest inspiration is Maxine.
You know, Frederick Douglass ain't did nothing compared to you.
(laughs) Uh, listen, Bobby, I think we need to talk.
(sighs) Um so, before I decided to study psychology, I had other career ambitions that just weren't right for me.
You know, like, at one point, I thought I wanted to be a veterinarian, but then I realized I would have to euthanize animals and I don't have what it takes to look into the eyes of a poor, innocent creature and destroy it.
Um, so my point is, um (sighs) if I'm really being honest, I'm just not confident that you are able to be a therapist.
Really? (sighs) Damn, Maxine.
It's just that you're starting so late, and the program is really rigorous, and now it turns out that you're gonna have to move back home and put your parents' finances on the line.
I just, I just don't have a lot of confidence that this is gonna work out and that it's worth the risk.
Um, I'm sorry.
I just felt like you needed to hear the truth.
Wow.
Wow, that-that hurts.
I mean, I'm used to people telling I can't do something, but I never thought it would come from you.
(sighs) You see, Maxine, I always thought it was me and you against the rest of the family.
What do you mean? It's 'cause, you know, nobody take us seriously.
Oh.
Um, I guess I never really thought about it like that.
Look.
When Jerrod brought you home, I finally thought, like, wow, there's somebody in this family just like me.
You see, Maxine, me and you got the same function, you know? We're feelers, right? You know, w-we're able to deal with our emotions.
Somebody like Jerrod attaches himself to people like us, so we can feel his feelings for him.
Hmm.
Bobby, that was really insightful.
You have an emotional intelligence that not enough people give you credit for.
I know.
That's why I wanted to be a therapist.
You know what, Bobby? Forget everything I just said.
Come with me.
I want everyone to listen to me.
Bobby has decided to become a therapist and I intend to support him.
Oh no, Joe, look in his eyes.
He look like he's full of hope.
What are we gonna do? I just can't talk Bobby out of doing something important that he is passionate about.
And I know you think what I do for a living is a joke, but I put my heart and soul into my work.
My days are filled with stories of rape and addiction and homelessness.
And sure, I come home emotionally exhausted and I eat my lunch alone in my car most days so I can cry.
And maybe 80% of the cases that come across my desk wind up as failures, but I give them everything I have for practically no pay because it's worth it.
It's worth it for the heroin addict who's gonna get AIDS if I don't get him access to clean needles.
It is worth it for the teen mom who is about to give birth alone.
That's what I do and that's what Bobby is gonna do because we care about helping people.
Damn, Maxine.
Your job sounds horrible.
And I'd rather be electrocuted any day, okay? Look, I'm sorry for wasting everybody's time.
I haven't gave this career thing much thought.
I'm-a go back.
Maxine, Maxine.
Excuse me, Maxine.
Lunch time! Well, I didn't mean to discourage him.
I meant to encourage him.
Yeah, I guess next time you're trying to encourage someone you shouldn't use the words "rape," "heroin," and "AIDS.
" (laughs) Look at you, man.
80 more hours and I get my license.
I think you found your calling, son.
You know, you're very easy to talk to.
Can I tell you something I've never told anyone? Come on, Clyde, look that's what I'm here for.
I'm your barber.
I'm gay.
At first I thought it was just a phase that I was going through or something I would just do on the weekend, but 50 years later, here I am, married with children and it's all just built on a lie.
Look, Clyde, you can't undo what's been done.
You just need to focus on loving yourself.
Look, man, never apologize for who you really are.
Damn, you're good.
Thanks for not judging me.
But if my wife ever finds out about this, I'll kill you.
Of course, that goes without saying.
That'll be $11.