The Cleveland Show s03e11 Episode Script

My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
We now return to Gay's Anatomy.
There's his anus.
Well, way too many channels to just watch one.
And now for my next trick, I will cut a woman in half.
You're just turning one problem into two.
What?! I thought he was kidding.
You can't He's gonna kill that woman! Help! Don't worry, Rallo, we're here.
That guy on TV's cutting Why are you dressed like that? We were playing Raising Arizona.
Oh, I didn't see that one.
You've never seen Raising Arizona?! You've gotta see it.
I don't need to do anything.
But that dude just cut a woman in half.
Oh, Rallo, your innocence is endearing.
That's just magic.
What's that? Magic is the explanation for the unexplainable.
Like making a quarter vanish.
Or pulling a rabbit out of a hat.
Or how Jack Black can utterly disappear into every role.
Magic.
Me and Lester are texting each other, Donna.
Can you imagine him lying in bed next to Kendra? They'd look like the number ten.
Oh Mmm.
I feel bad for Lester.
Hey, guys, I got a magic trick for you.
Hey, hey, hey, get out of here, Rallo.
How do you know we weren't doing something private? 'Cause I don't hear "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang.
Now, think of a number and then write it down, and only use this pen and press really hard, and then rip it off and don't let me see it.
Okay.
Was your number ten? Yeah.
Poor Lester.
Cute trick, Rallo.
Run along to bed.
Hold on now.
You haven't seen the incredible floating cigarette.
Rallo, where'd you get that cigarette? Tobacco company rep was handing 'em out at the playground.
Smart.
Now go back to bed.
One more, one more.
Pick a card, any card.
Jack of clubs.
Go away.
Aw, man.
Why are you so hard on that boy? Step-boy.
You could've at least let him have his moment.
You could let me have mine.
Uh-uh! Sorry, Kool.
Sorry, Gang.
Hopefully tomorrow night.
Damn! Ain't that a bitch? Man, I was ready to play! AP calculus is wack wit dey derivative-ass functions.
You want to grow up to build suspension bridges or not? Hey, Roberta, there's a magic club over in Chester County, and Mama can't drive me, so your dirtbag boyfriend's gotta take me.
Sorry.
We're going to visit Federline's grandmother in the hospital.
Don't worry-- you won't see it.
Cleveland! You're my only hope.
I need you to take me to the magic club in Chester.
Sorry, but I have my, uh, fantasy women's billiards draft.
Liar.
That was last week.
You got Ewa Mataya Laurance in the first round.
Hmm, The Striking Viking.
Please?! I'll do anything.
Rallo, I really can't.
You can just wait in the car.
I'm not doing it.
Please! No.
Please! No! Please, Dad.
It's working.
The blended family is working.
Rallo called me "Dad.
" Oh, Cleveland, that's wonderful.
I'm gonna mold that boy into my own image.
He'll be like a little me.
A Cleveland Jr.
, if you will.
You already have a Cleveland Jr.
Donna, I don't have time for you to be right.
I got to get dressed.
I'm taking my boy to the magic show.
(voice breaking): I just hope they have the pull-the-hanky- from-the-sleeve act, 'cause I'm gonna need all 200 of 'em.
You're gonna be fine.
Lord knows you can't do any worse than the last time Robert took Rallo for the weekend.
Put me down, you human garbage! Hold your breath.
Make a wish.
Count to three.
Now hold your breath again because I'm farting and farting.
Wow.
See? Can you tell my fortune? Colon cancer.
Dang.
Wow.
Can I keep him? Of course you can.
Anything you find in your hat is yours.
Ever since Stetson v.
Oklahoma.
Cool, a Ferrari.
Mine.
Not my car.
And now ladies and gentlemen, our main attraction, Magical Johnson! That's my boy sitting on my lap.
Good.
Technically, my stepson, but he called me "Dad" today for the first time.
Congratulations.
His hair smells wonderful.
Take a whiff.
I'm trying to watch the show! Smell it! You're right.
It is nice.
Can I smell yours? You could, but I have to use special shampoo on account of my "p-soriasis.
" Can we stay after the show to get Magical Johnson to sign my program? We can stay here forever as far as I'm concerned.
Forever.
Mmm Oh, look at him-- all tuckered out from a magical day with his wonderful dad.
I'm not sleepy.
I'm just gonna rest my eyes Nights in white satin Never reaching the end 'Cause I love you Whoa-whoa-whoa I love you.
Hey, it's you! Magical Johnson is real! Rallo, wake up! What are you doing here? The auditions are tomorrow.
Auditions? Say, that's a good-looking dummy.
Who you calling a dummy, dummy? That's not polite.
Neither is beating Daryl Hannah, but that didn't stop Jackson Browne.
Okay, okay, I've seen enough.
You open the show Sunday.
Open the show? That's how we do it with new acts.
You do well, you move up.
And you probably will.
People love ventriloquists.
I think there's been a mistake Is it a paying gig? You are paid quite handsomely in ear coins.
We'll make a waxy fortune! See you Sunday! Whoa.
You guys are good.
But so am I.
That's not what I meant to do.
Ta-tas! But, Donna, we're not doing anything wrong.
You'd be lying to the audience.
And teaching my son to lie is not okay.
You told him his father was a war hero and then Santa Claus.
It's okay to lie to children.
When I was raising Rallo by myself, if I didn't make up the bogeyman, I would've been so bored.
But all magic is based on lying.
David Copperfield doesn't actually levitate or turn canes into doves.
Although he did make the Statue of Liberty disappear.
That was real.
The one there now is fake.
It's two inches shorter and way hotter.
You can read about it on my blog: HTTP, equal sign, but with dots instead of dashes, leaning to the right line, leaning to the right line, three W's, period, Statue of Duplicity-- all one word-- period, blogspot, period, C-O-M.
I said no, and that's final.
Aw, dingleberries.
Listen, Donna, I rarely ask you for anything.
You ask me for things every day.
Just this morning you asked if I would put on your uniform and work your shift.
And you didn't, so would you just do this one thing for me? This is exactly the kind of father-son bobonding experience we need.
We tried camping in the backyard, but there was a scary cat.
Okay, fine.
For you and Rallo.
You can do your act.
You won't regret this.
I'm sure I will.
Well, too bad.
You agreed and I got it all on tape.
Okay, fine.
For you and Rallo.
You can do your act.
Cleveland, is that your heartbeat? Yeah, there's a thumbtack in there.
Mmm.
You know, Dad, you two are gonna need a manager.
We should talk.
You? A manager? What are your qualifications? I can be very persuasive.
Can't argue with that.
You got it.
Hyum-hyum-ha Hyum-hyum-he Babbling brook.
Piper Perabo.
Annal fissure.
Vocals are warm.
You're my favorite client.
How's my two favorite clients doing? When are we on? All business.
I love it.
You're up next.
And if you see anyone in the audience you want to "meet" after, let me know.
All right.
Whoever's in the front row.
I want to find out how to get front row tickets to things.
Give a warm welcome to our next act, John J.
Porque and his recently adopted inner-city son, Bean.
That's right, it's Porque and Bean! So, Bean, did you hear what happened to the bee who went to the doctor for sticky hair? No, Porque, what happened? He told him to stop using his honeycomb.
Word on the street is that Bazooka Joe's grandma sewed him three socks.
Why would she do that? Because she heard that over the summer he grew another foot.
That's from gum.
Ah, put me out of my misery.
Anyone want to toss a brother in a wood chipper? Stick to the act.
Stick to your diet, you fat tub of crap.
Now, that's clever.
Well, Bean, you got any other problems with our act? Let's see, you got me dressed up like black Chucky, you're doing jokes so bad, even Carlos Mencia wouldn't steal them, and according to your breath, you just ate a tuna sandwich with extra fart sauce.
They're so funny.
You can't even see his lips move.
He's making my lips move.
This will get you backstage.
Well, that's our time.
Anything you want to say before we go? Yeah.
Help! AMBER Alert! That's our act! We're Porque and Bean! Good night! Now, that's some montage music.
("Magic Stick" by Lil' Kim featuring 50 Cent playing) I got the magic stick I know if I can hit it once I can hit twice Shorty don't believe me Then come with me tonight And I'll show you magic What? What? Magic Uh-huh, uh-huh I got the magic stick I'm a freak to the core Get a dose once, you gonna want some more My touch you girl, your toes bound to curl This exclusive stick I don't share with the world I have you up early in the mornin' moanin' Proper or low can't stop us Been a fiend for this since Rakim made hits Get the position down pat, then it's time to switch I rock the boat, I work the middle I , straight beat it up And I ain't in the hood with my out loc I'm in the telly working up a sweat strokin' Tonight's the night you could fall in love You could call your mama right now, tell her you met a thug pop a lot 'cause I can back it up Cut it! Cut the song! Hadn't really listened to those lyrics before.
Starting to think the magic stick is not a wand.
Did you hear that crowd tonight? We tore this place a new funny bone.
I'm telling you, we killed, like Michael Vick did to all those poor, innocent NFL defenses.
He paid his dues, people, let it go.
That crowd was eating me up.
"Us" up.
Please, Rallo, you're just a prop.
Nobody remembers Oscar the Grouch.
They remember his puppeteer, Caroll Spinney.
One minute.
Dummy mode.
I'd like to introduce you to Mr.
Graham Kensington, the Chester Herald's esteemed ventriloquist critic.
I've seen many a man and his dummy tread the boards in my time.
Some good, some bad.
But you? You're no ventriloquist.
I'm not? No.
You're an artiste! To think that one man, one man, could do two such disparate voices.
It's a gift.
You are single-handedly redefining ventriloquism.
I am only as great as the people who notice how great I am.
That act is all me.
I feel so betrayed.
This is worse than what Judas did to Jesus.
Man, I hope Tammy's here.
Hey, can I see that wine real quick? H-Hey! Hope you like red.
Oh, thank you.
You are so thoughtful, Judas.
Hi, Jesus.
Strike two, Judas! So, what do you think of my mustache? It's black and it stinks, just like the rest of you.
Thank you.
Thank you for laughing at my joke.
I do both voices.
Thank you.
That's it! I'm sick of you taking all the credit! All right, Bean.
That's enough.
You don't want to go back in your coffin.
You're a no-talent, credit-hogging hack! Bean, that's no way to talk to your dad.
Porque you.
You're not my dad.
I only called you that so you'd take me to the magic show.
No you meant it.
No, I played you.
You're not my dad, and you never will be.
Getting a little too real.
Yeah.
And sexy.
What? So then, it was all just a just a trick? That's right.
Tell me that's not us.
I'm sure Rallo didn't mean it.
He meant it.
See? He'll never call me "Daddy" again.
Hmm, hmm, soft face.
Good God! Rallo, get in here! I don't want to see him.
How do I look? Hey, Mama.
Hey, not Dad.
Gwah! Rallo, please tell him that what you said was out of anger.
You can see that I am clearly not angry anymore.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
You are not my father, and you never will be.
No! No! Tell me he didn't say it.
Great news.
I booked Porque and Bean at The Orpheum Theater.
No show! There's no porking way I'm performing with that has-bean! That is it.
I have had it up to here.
You two are doing that show.
And not because Junior put so much effort into booking it.
And not because the family could use a few extra bucks this month.
But because I refuse to let venentriloquism tear this family apart.
Not again.
Never again.
You two need to learn to work together as a team.
Not as master and puppet, but as father and son.
Uh-uh, push on, Mama.
Do it or I'll tell everyone at school about your Hello Kitty cupcake oven.
I just got that to impress Asian girls.
All right.
I'll do it.
Why do you care so much anyway? A mother's selflessness.
How many blind mice do you bitches wanna see tonight?! Three! (playing "Three Blind Mice") Sorry, guys, I had to bundle her act along with yours or she threatened to stop making beef stroganoff.
That's all right, she jammin'.
See how they run! And just so you know, I am still not talking to you, that sentence not included.
I have no problem talking to you.
Really? Good, because I thought you weren't talking to me, so that's why I said I wasn't talking to you, even though I wanted to talk to you, but I was trying to act all coolio and But I am not talking to them.
Come again? You want a puppet, you got one.
I'll move my mouth, but that's it.
Let's see how good a ventriloquist you really are.
And now, for the act you've all inexplicably come to see Porque and Bean! I pray I haven't come all this way for nothing, Graham.
Trust me, Allister.
You're in for quite a treat.
Julius, don't look.
That's Allister Monkarsh sitting behind us.
The Karsh?! I said don't look.
I hope to intern for him someday.
A critic's intern.
What a nightmare.
Good evening, folks.
Say, "hello," Bean.
Hello, Bean.
Say, are you trying to do an impression of me? Yes, sir.
That's why I sound very similar to you.
That's pretty good.
You do any other impressions? No.
Oh.
So, Bean, anything you have to say about my appearance? Yeah, you could stand to lose a few pounds.
For serious? No, I'm just joshing.
The only thing you need to lose is your humility.
I missed my wife's funeral for this? This is a funeral.
Oh, you're bad.
Ladies and gentleman, I have a confession.
You have been lied to.
Don't do this.
No, I have to.
There's only one dummy up here tonight and that's me.
When you called me "Dad," it changed everything.
Every fight we ever had, every insult you ever made, every ball of mine you ever punched was all wiped away.
Because from the moment I became your dad, it's become the only thing that I want to be.
But I already have a dad.
I know that.
But who says you can't have two? God.
Folks, this boy is why you're here tonight.
He's been the brains behind this operation since day one.
He's the talent.
I'm the dummy.
You already used that metaphor, fat face.
I mean, fat Dad.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, my boy is back.
Oh, oh, oh.
Mmm mmm Mmm Hazel, get this down for the evening edition.
"Even while sobbing, his lips never moved, but tongues will be wagging about Porque and Bean!" And, uh yes, that's it.
That's the end of the article.
Junior, rent a bus.
Because this show's going to Carnegie Hall.
You hear that, Mama? I'm gonna play Carnegie Hall.
So screw you, Mama! I miss you.
Go ahead.
The dummy's come alive! He'll kill us all!