The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s03e11 Episode Script
Larry Loses a Friend
Ooh, these Are beautiful.
Listen, uh, We have that women-in-media Meeting tonight.
Just want to make sure You're still driving.
What's wrong? Oh, no.
Mr.
Jon lovitz.
Again.
No.
He's still After you? I did not know that.
It's getting worse.
What? Oh, my god! Oh, my gosh! Oh, this is beautiful! Oh, honey, we're looking At 2,000, easy.
What am i gonna do? I mean, I wish he would stop.
He does this every time He comes on the show.
Wait.
Wait, wait.
You get jewelry every time He comes on the show? No.
Flowers.
First it was Just flowers.
Then it was flowers And, um A dottie west cd.
Then it was flowers And a hummel figurine.
Then it was flowers And a pasta machine.
[Laughs.]
Darlene, Call artie's office, See if he's still on For the game tonight.
Oh, my.
Who sent the flowers? "Looking forward To seeing you again.
As always, jon.
" You see, I think it's courageous For one man to send flowers To another man.
I'm gonna put these Right on the air conditioner.
[Laughs.]
What am i gonna do? Oh, about jon? Yeah.
Well, you just ask paula To book him 2 more times.
What would that do? Well, nothing, But by then You'd have flowers And a miata.
What are we waiting for? Uh, they're Sending somebody down To take you upstairs.
Oh, all right.
How many times you done thesanders show? Um I think, like, 13.
Well, 14 if you count The time we got bumped By desert storm.
Fucking saddam hussein.
You must Like larry a lot.
Is--is that why You do it so often? Yeah.
I mean, I like larry a lot, But, you know, he's Got this beautiful, uh Uh Can i use this phone? You're the boss.
You want me to put up The partition? Well, let me ask you A question.
Have you seen city slickers 2? No.
Well, then, Put it up.
[Dialing phone.]
I think She should have it.
It's not like She asked for it.
It was his decision To give it to her.
Who cares? It's just a bracelet.
Oh, paula, please.
You're just mad Because the only Bracelets you have Are made out Of shoelaces.
Ooh, i-- I gave you one.
I know, and i liked it.
I'm sorry.
No, i did.
It was different! This is gorgeous.
Darlene, can-- Can i wear this Just for a couple of hours? Keep it.
No, i'm not Gonna keep it.
I'll give it Back to you at The end of the day.
I don't want it.
No.
Darlene! Fuck.
Look, why don't you Put an end to this Once and for all And go out With the man? He's funny, he's nice.
I'm not going out with anybody In the business anymore.
No more comics, Actors, or magicians.
Magicians? [Scoffs.]
Darlene? Artie? Ball game? [Ring.]
Just a minute.
Hank kingsley's Office.
Can you hold on A minute, please? Hello? Who's this? Jon! Hi! Listen, uh, I--i want to thank you, Now that i have you, For the, uh, the flowers.
They're beautiful.
I'm just-- I'm nutty about irises.
Is jon lovitz here, yet? No.
[Hums.]
What're those? These are tickets To the dodger game tonight.
Hank and i have an evening out Together once a year.
Just the two of us.
Tonight is that night.
Great.
That'll be nice.
Yeah.
These tickets are right behind .
Home plate oh.
Nine innings of me listening To hank whine About his marriage bullshit.
Oh, so you stay For the whole game, huh? Don't you want to go? Huh? Well, i don't even Have tickets.
I'm not going.
Oh, i hate part with them.
Hank will be so disappointed.
Why don't you take jon lovitz? Took you a long time To figure out what I was getting at Didn't it.
You had a big lunch today? Yeah.
Oh, he doesn't want To go with hank.
I've tried to be nice about it.
He just won't stop.
I have to admit i found The gifts and the flowers Cute at first.
I'm still getting a lot of use Out of that pasta machine.
Because there's nothing Better than fresh pasta.
But you're right.
You're right.
It's obviously-- It's gone too far.
It's very upsetting.
Well, i tell you what I'm gonna do.
I am gonna take Mr.
Lovitz aside And i am going to talk to him.
Oh, you're so sweet, hank.
Yes, i am.
I am sweet.
[Sighs.]
Ah, jarina! Ohh! Here's scooter And pepper.
Where's poncho? I'm afraid poncho Is no longer with us.
Oh, jarina.
Oh, what happened? Did he [Speaks Foreign language.]
No, he was eaten By my neighbor's rottweiler.
Oh, well, Life goes on.
We'll see you Out there.
Ah, here we go.
Thank you, darling.
Oh, what a good boy.
Yes.
There's the big man.
We're gonna have A great show tonight, hank.
Bruno, dust the dome.
Someone Should've told me The bird lady Was gonna be on.
Didn't you take Your allergy pills? 'Cause i warned darlene This morning That there Would be birds.
Oh, well, Forget about that.
I don't care if my face Swells up like a pumpkin.
There's no way we're gonna Miss that game tonight.
Oh, god damn it.
Bad news, buddy.
You know, larry, He wanted to go to the game.
He heard i had tickets.
And you gave him our tickets? Game them! He took them.
He's the fucking boss.
My hands were tied.
He's a fucking baby.
[Coughs.]
Well, all i'm gonna say Is he's very complicated.
Yeah, one night out And mr.
Big man thinks He can take anything-- I hear you, But, you know, Next year's right Around the corner, buddy.
Oh, it's not About the game.
I just wanted to have Some special time-- Ohh, what's the matter, Sugar, huh? Is the marriage That bad? It's the fucking birds.
Oh, you're telling me.
I've been married 5 times.
They were all The fucking birds.
No, that-- You knew what i meant.
Didn't you? Jon: i was in a league of their own, city slickers 2, north, trapped in paradise.
Hey, jon.
A little cartoon? Forget it.
Uh, didn't mean To interrupt.
Well, well, well, Look who it is.
Heh heh heh! Thanks For being here.
Yeah.
You know, your show Must be really hot.
Why is that? Because you got me.
Tsk! We have a lot Of great guests.
How've you been? Great.
Good.
You know, I was gonna have The, uh--ask If you want to go To the dodger game After the show Tonight.
I have A couple of tickets.
Oh, yeah.
You want to go? Yeah, i'd Love to, yeah.
Wow.
Great.
Well, we'll go Right from here.
It'll be fun.
Ok.
Uh, i'll walk you to Your dressing room.
I'm just gonna say Hi to somebody.
I'll catch up to you In a second.
Ok.
Darlene.
Hi.
Hi.
You look beautiful today.
As usual.
Thank you.
Did you get those flowers I sent you? Yes, i did.
Thank you.
Did you get That little gift? Yes.
Heh heh! Can i see it? Huh? Uh, darlene, Could you call make-up And tell them to come Remove my tissues.
I can do it.
Uh, no, no.
Bruno.
It's a union thing.
Jonny.
Hey, now! I just want to say Welcome back.
You know, Mr.
Funny! Mr.
Movie star.
Aw, you forgot Mr.
Hunk.
No, i was Gonna get to that, But to me, That comes After movie star.
Can i talk to you? Yeah.
Now, word has it You've got a thing For darlene.
Is that true? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I just think She's terrific, You know.
She's fabulous.
I think she's really Starting to warm up to me.
A piece of advice-- Yeah? Don't go there.
What? I just--don't Waste your time, Because, frankly, She's not available.
Oh, she's not dating Anybody now.
I checked.
Oh.
Can i--can i Just have A second with you? Just one second, Please? Yeah.
You see, I don't even know If this, uh, My place to say, But, um, see, The way you want to go, This lady, She doesn't go that way.
What are you saying? Well, um She, uh She prefers women.
Oh, that's bullshit.
No, she's, uh-- She's a lesbian, jon.
Well, i don't believe you.
Well, i'm sorry, but-- Well, after all This time, why didn't She say anything to me? Well, i don't know, But i--you-- It's a very private Thing, a person's Sexual preference, And i gotta tell you, I respect her decision.
Well, i don't believe you.
I'll just-- I have to go.
It-- Hey, hank! Yeah? Is she seeing A woman now? Sorry? Is she seeing A woman now? She's seeing A woman now.
Yeah, she's seeing A woman now? Um Yes.
Yes, she is.
Hi.
Hey.
So, uh You're a lesbian.
Excuse me? It kind of makes Sense, you know.
A lot of stuff That we went through Makes sense now.
I only wish you Could've told me yourself Instead of me having To hear it from paula.
Paula told you I was a lesbian? Oh, and by the way, I think larry's Gonna be really pissed If he finds out You've been seeing beverly.
Beverly? Excuse me.
What? Easy.
Spilling.
Spilling! That's how You get jon lovitz To leave me alone, By telling everyone I'm a lesbian? I didn't Tell everyone.
Jon asked paula To confirm What i told him.
You know how She is with gossip.
She's like a terrier After a rat.
Hank, how Could you do this? Now, darlene, I didn't know That you had a thing Against gay people, And frankly, I'm--i'm A little offended To find this out.
Hank, you lied.
I didn't-- Oh, come on.
Like you've never Been with a woman? Like you've never Been with a man? Fucking tabloids.
No, i said, "potato.
" She goes, "no, just fuck off.
" You're hilarious.
I know.
Listen, larry, I gotta ask you something.
Seriously.
There's this girl In your office I got a crush on.
Darlene.
Yeah.
Well, how did-- Did she tell you? It's always darlene.
She was in playboy, You know.
Did you see it? No.
Oh, man.
Is she a lesbian? What? 'Cause hank said That she's a lesbian.
Now, i think he's full of shit.
Ahem.
Look, if she's not, Can you-- Can you do me a favor? Can you just, like, Force her to go out with me? Force her to go out with you.
You want me to force her To go out with you? Yeah.
It's your show, isn't it? She has to do what you say.
That would be called Sexual harassment.
Oh, come on! "Blow me.
" That's sexual harassment.
Mm-hmm.
Be a pal, larry.
Do me this one favor.
Just make her Go out with me.
I can't, jon.
Well, why not? I gotta go talk To the bird lady.
Well, why not? I can't.
What people do With their own time Is their business.
I don't meddle.
So she is a lesbian? Ok, we're on the set Of city slickers, And we're out, You know, In the desert, Moab, utah, it's Like 110 degrees, And this grip finds This dead snake.
So then He goes to eat And he pulls The metal tray off, And there's a snake on top Of the mixed vegetables.
No.
No.
Tell him just to do The tux rental Story, ok? Ok, what is it? He'll remember it.
He tells it every God damn time we go shopping.
It's hilarious.
All right.
So we get home, And the vest Is 3 sizes too small.
Eh! That's the story.
I mean, it's just-- It's not funny.
Well, you know, It's cute.
It's not funny, no, But it's cute That you and larry Shop together, I guess.
Yeah, it's adorable.
I just love Spending hours with him Watching him Try on a hundred pairs Of pants, you know.
[Imitates larry.]
Does my ass look fat In these pants? All right.
He's a nice guy, But sometimes he's wrong.
Anyway, can you go back And tell him i still want To do the snake story? Yes.
Please.
I promise you.
Paula, i owe you.
All right.
Take your time.
Hi.
Hey, darlene.
Hi.
Hi.
Um, jon, listen, There was A rumor going Around earlier.
That you Were a lesbian.
It's not true.
I know.
Which leads me To my next question.
[Wheezing laugh.]
Where--ahem.
Where are we going After the show tonight? I have to Tell you something.
Can we sit down? Yeah.
But can i go first? Ok.
Um This is--this is Really hard for me To say, all right.
A lot of women Find me dreamy.
You are dreamy.
But the reason I can't go out With you Is because you're In show business, And i have been hurt Too many times.
You know, fine.
I'm so tired of this.
You know, yeah, why Would you want to go out With somebody That's famous and rich And handsome and Can give you the life You always dreamed of And can make you laugh All the time? Yeah, pass.
I'm sorry.
Have a good show, jon.
Here's your cocoa.
It's hot.
Where'd you get that? Oh, don't worry.
Darlene said I could have it-- Uh, wear it.
Oh? Well, i was Gonna give it Back to her tonight Because We're going out.
Oh? To a women's Meeting.
Oh! Oh! I'm gonna Give back to her.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! It's true! Paula.
Paula! Hey, knock, Why don't you? Why are you Putting your shoes on Before you Pull your pants up? I always do.
Why? Superstitious.
Thank god you weren't In here a few minutes ago When i was Painting my balls.
Lovitz walked.
What? He's gone.
He left the show.
Well, what happened? What did you say to him? I didn't say anything to him.
I told him you wanted to do The tux story, And he didn't Want to do it, and Apparently he left.
Oh, man.
I'm sorry.
What a child.
He's a fucking child.
God, my ass looks fat In these pants.
Hey, cut the horseshit, Adam.
Your client Walked off our show.
What are you gonna Do about it? Huh? Well, if you can't Control your people, You should be Out of the business.
Yes.
Give my regards To the darling jamie.
Bye-bye.
What did he say? He says that lovitz Will not be back And he's very upset.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Upset about what? Upset about that I wouldn't let him Tell a little Snake story? He's Out of his mind.
All right, listen.
We do 3 segments With the birds, And then we bring out Carl sagan.
Well, unless Mr.
Sagan comes out And shits a string of Pearls, we have no show.
He's not Gonna do that.
[Telephone rings.]
Hello.
Yes, Hold on for a moment.
It's jon.
Get his ass Back here, will you? Uh, jon, it's larry.
Uh, listen, i know You're a little upset, And i just want you To know that, uh, I apologize for Paula's misunderstanding About the snake story.
You know, she's a little Pig-headed, you know, And between us, She's got An eating disorder.
Yeah, serious.
He was gonna find out Eventually.
Paula: jesus.
And what I'd like to know, jon, Is if you'll just Come back and do the show, And then we will, uh, Work this out Without any problem.
Jon? I must be on hold.
I don't Even hear any breathing.
Let me Talk to him.
Let me talk to him.
I think i hurt His feelings.
Darlene, this has To do with an argument That jon and i had.
No, larry.
He's upset Because i won't Go out with him.
No, darlene.
He's mad Because i was wearing The bracelet he gave you.
He's upset because We had an argument About the snake story.
You tell me That you've Never been upset When you were Romantically Spurned? Not like this.
Emma samms.
We agreed we weren't Gonna discuss that.
You turned on Her alarm system.
You did not read The police report.
I'm quoted quite Liberally in it.
You did not read The whole thing! Hello, jon? Darlene Would like to talk to you.
Really? She'll be right down.
He's in his limousine Sitting in the parking lot.
Darlene: i can't believe You were willing To walk off the show For me.
I mean, that proves You're nothing Like the other guys In the business i dated.
No, i'm not.
I'm a lot My character in city slickers 2.
I'm very open, And i'm very honest.
very honest.
That why it was So easy for me to play.
And i was very good In it.
Have you seen it? Yes.
You were great.
Why don't We go out, then? Look, i think, jon, Let's get to it.
What darlene is Trying to say is That she'd like To go out with you Sometime, So why don't you come And do the show? Take her To the dodger game Afterwards, Because i can't go.
I got another, Uh, problem.
Yeah, but Excuse me.
But you said that She was a lesbian.
No, i can guarantee You she is Not a lesbian.
You can Guarantee it? I can Guarantee it.
Jon, forgive me.
Guys, guys, And nothing but guys.
That's our darlene In a nutshell.
Yeah, i could Vouch for it, too.
Uh, we went out Briefly, um, But she--you know.
She's a little needy, But other than that-- I think she's Just swell.
But we've got A fucking show To do, So let's Move it.
Uh, jon, This whole--this Misunderstanding Has something To do with the snake Story, doesn't it? What snake story? Darlene! Oh, look at them, Look at them, Look at them.
They're so in love.
Mmm.
You know, i remember Once with margaret-- Hank, please, later.
I'll take you To dinner.
You can tell me All about it.
This whole thing Doesn't make sense.
Can you imagine darlene With another woman?
Listen, uh, We have that women-in-media Meeting tonight.
Just want to make sure You're still driving.
What's wrong? Oh, no.
Mr.
Jon lovitz.
Again.
No.
He's still After you? I did not know that.
It's getting worse.
What? Oh, my god! Oh, my gosh! Oh, this is beautiful! Oh, honey, we're looking At 2,000, easy.
What am i gonna do? I mean, I wish he would stop.
He does this every time He comes on the show.
Wait.
Wait, wait.
You get jewelry every time He comes on the show? No.
Flowers.
First it was Just flowers.
Then it was flowers And, um A dottie west cd.
Then it was flowers And a hummel figurine.
Then it was flowers And a pasta machine.
[Laughs.]
Darlene, Call artie's office, See if he's still on For the game tonight.
Oh, my.
Who sent the flowers? "Looking forward To seeing you again.
As always, jon.
" You see, I think it's courageous For one man to send flowers To another man.
I'm gonna put these Right on the air conditioner.
[Laughs.]
What am i gonna do? Oh, about jon? Yeah.
Well, you just ask paula To book him 2 more times.
What would that do? Well, nothing, But by then You'd have flowers And a miata.
What are we waiting for? Uh, they're Sending somebody down To take you upstairs.
Oh, all right.
How many times you done thesanders show? Um I think, like, 13.
Well, 14 if you count The time we got bumped By desert storm.
Fucking saddam hussein.
You must Like larry a lot.
Is--is that why You do it so often? Yeah.
I mean, I like larry a lot, But, you know, he's Got this beautiful, uh Uh Can i use this phone? You're the boss.
You want me to put up The partition? Well, let me ask you A question.
Have you seen city slickers 2? No.
Well, then, Put it up.
[Dialing phone.]
I think She should have it.
It's not like She asked for it.
It was his decision To give it to her.
Who cares? It's just a bracelet.
Oh, paula, please.
You're just mad Because the only Bracelets you have Are made out Of shoelaces.
Ooh, i-- I gave you one.
I know, and i liked it.
I'm sorry.
No, i did.
It was different! This is gorgeous.
Darlene, can-- Can i wear this Just for a couple of hours? Keep it.
No, i'm not Gonna keep it.
I'll give it Back to you at The end of the day.
I don't want it.
No.
Darlene! Fuck.
Look, why don't you Put an end to this Once and for all And go out With the man? He's funny, he's nice.
I'm not going out with anybody In the business anymore.
No more comics, Actors, or magicians.
Magicians? [Scoffs.]
Darlene? Artie? Ball game? [Ring.]
Just a minute.
Hank kingsley's Office.
Can you hold on A minute, please? Hello? Who's this? Jon! Hi! Listen, uh, I--i want to thank you, Now that i have you, For the, uh, the flowers.
They're beautiful.
I'm just-- I'm nutty about irises.
Is jon lovitz here, yet? No.
[Hums.]
What're those? These are tickets To the dodger game tonight.
Hank and i have an evening out Together once a year.
Just the two of us.
Tonight is that night.
Great.
That'll be nice.
Yeah.
These tickets are right behind .
Home plate oh.
Nine innings of me listening To hank whine About his marriage bullshit.
Oh, so you stay For the whole game, huh? Don't you want to go? Huh? Well, i don't even Have tickets.
I'm not going.
Oh, i hate part with them.
Hank will be so disappointed.
Why don't you take jon lovitz? Took you a long time To figure out what I was getting at Didn't it.
You had a big lunch today? Yeah.
Oh, he doesn't want To go with hank.
I've tried to be nice about it.
He just won't stop.
I have to admit i found The gifts and the flowers Cute at first.
I'm still getting a lot of use Out of that pasta machine.
Because there's nothing Better than fresh pasta.
But you're right.
You're right.
It's obviously-- It's gone too far.
It's very upsetting.
Well, i tell you what I'm gonna do.
I am gonna take Mr.
Lovitz aside And i am going to talk to him.
Oh, you're so sweet, hank.
Yes, i am.
I am sweet.
[Sighs.]
Ah, jarina! Ohh! Here's scooter And pepper.
Where's poncho? I'm afraid poncho Is no longer with us.
Oh, jarina.
Oh, what happened? Did he [Speaks Foreign language.]
No, he was eaten By my neighbor's rottweiler.
Oh, well, Life goes on.
We'll see you Out there.
Ah, here we go.
Thank you, darling.
Oh, what a good boy.
Yes.
There's the big man.
We're gonna have A great show tonight, hank.
Bruno, dust the dome.
Someone Should've told me The bird lady Was gonna be on.
Didn't you take Your allergy pills? 'Cause i warned darlene This morning That there Would be birds.
Oh, well, Forget about that.
I don't care if my face Swells up like a pumpkin.
There's no way we're gonna Miss that game tonight.
Oh, god damn it.
Bad news, buddy.
You know, larry, He wanted to go to the game.
He heard i had tickets.
And you gave him our tickets? Game them! He took them.
He's the fucking boss.
My hands were tied.
He's a fucking baby.
[Coughs.]
Well, all i'm gonna say Is he's very complicated.
Yeah, one night out And mr.
Big man thinks He can take anything-- I hear you, But, you know, Next year's right Around the corner, buddy.
Oh, it's not About the game.
I just wanted to have Some special time-- Ohh, what's the matter, Sugar, huh? Is the marriage That bad? It's the fucking birds.
Oh, you're telling me.
I've been married 5 times.
They were all The fucking birds.
No, that-- You knew what i meant.
Didn't you? Jon: i was in a league of their own, city slickers 2, north, trapped in paradise.
Hey, jon.
A little cartoon? Forget it.
Uh, didn't mean To interrupt.
Well, well, well, Look who it is.
Heh heh heh! Thanks For being here.
Yeah.
You know, your show Must be really hot.
Why is that? Because you got me.
Tsk! We have a lot Of great guests.
How've you been? Great.
Good.
You know, I was gonna have The, uh--ask If you want to go To the dodger game After the show Tonight.
I have A couple of tickets.
Oh, yeah.
You want to go? Yeah, i'd Love to, yeah.
Wow.
Great.
Well, we'll go Right from here.
It'll be fun.
Ok.
Uh, i'll walk you to Your dressing room.
I'm just gonna say Hi to somebody.
I'll catch up to you In a second.
Ok.
Darlene.
Hi.
Hi.
You look beautiful today.
As usual.
Thank you.
Did you get those flowers I sent you? Yes, i did.
Thank you.
Did you get That little gift? Yes.
Heh heh! Can i see it? Huh? Uh, darlene, Could you call make-up And tell them to come Remove my tissues.
I can do it.
Uh, no, no.
Bruno.
It's a union thing.
Jonny.
Hey, now! I just want to say Welcome back.
You know, Mr.
Funny! Mr.
Movie star.
Aw, you forgot Mr.
Hunk.
No, i was Gonna get to that, But to me, That comes After movie star.
Can i talk to you? Yeah.
Now, word has it You've got a thing For darlene.
Is that true? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I just think She's terrific, You know.
She's fabulous.
I think she's really Starting to warm up to me.
A piece of advice-- Yeah? Don't go there.
What? I just--don't Waste your time, Because, frankly, She's not available.
Oh, she's not dating Anybody now.
I checked.
Oh.
Can i--can i Just have A second with you? Just one second, Please? Yeah.
You see, I don't even know If this, uh, My place to say, But, um, see, The way you want to go, This lady, She doesn't go that way.
What are you saying? Well, um She, uh She prefers women.
Oh, that's bullshit.
No, she's, uh-- She's a lesbian, jon.
Well, i don't believe you.
Well, i'm sorry, but-- Well, after all This time, why didn't She say anything to me? Well, i don't know, But i--you-- It's a very private Thing, a person's Sexual preference, And i gotta tell you, I respect her decision.
Well, i don't believe you.
I'll just-- I have to go.
It-- Hey, hank! Yeah? Is she seeing A woman now? Sorry? Is she seeing A woman now? She's seeing A woman now.
Yeah, she's seeing A woman now? Um Yes.
Yes, she is.
Hi.
Hey.
So, uh You're a lesbian.
Excuse me? It kind of makes Sense, you know.
A lot of stuff That we went through Makes sense now.
I only wish you Could've told me yourself Instead of me having To hear it from paula.
Paula told you I was a lesbian? Oh, and by the way, I think larry's Gonna be really pissed If he finds out You've been seeing beverly.
Beverly? Excuse me.
What? Easy.
Spilling.
Spilling! That's how You get jon lovitz To leave me alone, By telling everyone I'm a lesbian? I didn't Tell everyone.
Jon asked paula To confirm What i told him.
You know how She is with gossip.
She's like a terrier After a rat.
Hank, how Could you do this? Now, darlene, I didn't know That you had a thing Against gay people, And frankly, I'm--i'm A little offended To find this out.
Hank, you lied.
I didn't-- Oh, come on.
Like you've never Been with a woman? Like you've never Been with a man? Fucking tabloids.
No, i said, "potato.
" She goes, "no, just fuck off.
" You're hilarious.
I know.
Listen, larry, I gotta ask you something.
Seriously.
There's this girl In your office I got a crush on.
Darlene.
Yeah.
Well, how did-- Did she tell you? It's always darlene.
She was in playboy, You know.
Did you see it? No.
Oh, man.
Is she a lesbian? What? 'Cause hank said That she's a lesbian.
Now, i think he's full of shit.
Ahem.
Look, if she's not, Can you-- Can you do me a favor? Can you just, like, Force her to go out with me? Force her to go out with you.
You want me to force her To go out with you? Yeah.
It's your show, isn't it? She has to do what you say.
That would be called Sexual harassment.
Oh, come on! "Blow me.
" That's sexual harassment.
Mm-hmm.
Be a pal, larry.
Do me this one favor.
Just make her Go out with me.
I can't, jon.
Well, why not? I gotta go talk To the bird lady.
Well, why not? I can't.
What people do With their own time Is their business.
I don't meddle.
So she is a lesbian? Ok, we're on the set Of city slickers, And we're out, You know, In the desert, Moab, utah, it's Like 110 degrees, And this grip finds This dead snake.
So then He goes to eat And he pulls The metal tray off, And there's a snake on top Of the mixed vegetables.
No.
No.
Tell him just to do The tux rental Story, ok? Ok, what is it? He'll remember it.
He tells it every God damn time we go shopping.
It's hilarious.
All right.
So we get home, And the vest Is 3 sizes too small.
Eh! That's the story.
I mean, it's just-- It's not funny.
Well, you know, It's cute.
It's not funny, no, But it's cute That you and larry Shop together, I guess.
Yeah, it's adorable.
I just love Spending hours with him Watching him Try on a hundred pairs Of pants, you know.
[Imitates larry.]
Does my ass look fat In these pants? All right.
He's a nice guy, But sometimes he's wrong.
Anyway, can you go back And tell him i still want To do the snake story? Yes.
Please.
I promise you.
Paula, i owe you.
All right.
Take your time.
Hi.
Hey, darlene.
Hi.
Hi.
Um, jon, listen, There was A rumor going Around earlier.
That you Were a lesbian.
It's not true.
I know.
Which leads me To my next question.
[Wheezing laugh.]
Where--ahem.
Where are we going After the show tonight? I have to Tell you something.
Can we sit down? Yeah.
But can i go first? Ok.
Um This is--this is Really hard for me To say, all right.
A lot of women Find me dreamy.
You are dreamy.
But the reason I can't go out With you Is because you're In show business, And i have been hurt Too many times.
You know, fine.
I'm so tired of this.
You know, yeah, why Would you want to go out With somebody That's famous and rich And handsome and Can give you the life You always dreamed of And can make you laugh All the time? Yeah, pass.
I'm sorry.
Have a good show, jon.
Here's your cocoa.
It's hot.
Where'd you get that? Oh, don't worry.
Darlene said I could have it-- Uh, wear it.
Oh? Well, i was Gonna give it Back to her tonight Because We're going out.
Oh? To a women's Meeting.
Oh! Oh! I'm gonna Give back to her.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! It's true! Paula.
Paula! Hey, knock, Why don't you? Why are you Putting your shoes on Before you Pull your pants up? I always do.
Why? Superstitious.
Thank god you weren't In here a few minutes ago When i was Painting my balls.
Lovitz walked.
What? He's gone.
He left the show.
Well, what happened? What did you say to him? I didn't say anything to him.
I told him you wanted to do The tux story, And he didn't Want to do it, and Apparently he left.
Oh, man.
I'm sorry.
What a child.
He's a fucking child.
God, my ass looks fat In these pants.
Hey, cut the horseshit, Adam.
Your client Walked off our show.
What are you gonna Do about it? Huh? Well, if you can't Control your people, You should be Out of the business.
Yes.
Give my regards To the darling jamie.
Bye-bye.
What did he say? He says that lovitz Will not be back And he's very upset.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Upset about what? Upset about that I wouldn't let him Tell a little Snake story? He's Out of his mind.
All right, listen.
We do 3 segments With the birds, And then we bring out Carl sagan.
Well, unless Mr.
Sagan comes out And shits a string of Pearls, we have no show.
He's not Gonna do that.
[Telephone rings.]
Hello.
Yes, Hold on for a moment.
It's jon.
Get his ass Back here, will you? Uh, jon, it's larry.
Uh, listen, i know You're a little upset, And i just want you To know that, uh, I apologize for Paula's misunderstanding About the snake story.
You know, she's a little Pig-headed, you know, And between us, She's got An eating disorder.
Yeah, serious.
He was gonna find out Eventually.
Paula: jesus.
And what I'd like to know, jon, Is if you'll just Come back and do the show, And then we will, uh, Work this out Without any problem.
Jon? I must be on hold.
I don't Even hear any breathing.
Let me Talk to him.
Let me talk to him.
I think i hurt His feelings.
Darlene, this has To do with an argument That jon and i had.
No, larry.
He's upset Because i won't Go out with him.
No, darlene.
He's mad Because i was wearing The bracelet he gave you.
He's upset because We had an argument About the snake story.
You tell me That you've Never been upset When you were Romantically Spurned? Not like this.
Emma samms.
We agreed we weren't Gonna discuss that.
You turned on Her alarm system.
You did not read The police report.
I'm quoted quite Liberally in it.
You did not read The whole thing! Hello, jon? Darlene Would like to talk to you.
Really? She'll be right down.
He's in his limousine Sitting in the parking lot.
Darlene: i can't believe You were willing To walk off the show For me.
I mean, that proves You're nothing Like the other guys In the business i dated.
No, i'm not.
I'm a lot My character in city slickers 2.
I'm very open, And i'm very honest.
very honest.
That why it was So easy for me to play.
And i was very good In it.
Have you seen it? Yes.
You were great.
Why don't We go out, then? Look, i think, jon, Let's get to it.
What darlene is Trying to say is That she'd like To go out with you Sometime, So why don't you come And do the show? Take her To the dodger game Afterwards, Because i can't go.
I got another, Uh, problem.
Yeah, but Excuse me.
But you said that She was a lesbian.
No, i can guarantee You she is Not a lesbian.
You can Guarantee it? I can Guarantee it.
Jon, forgive me.
Guys, guys, And nothing but guys.
That's our darlene In a nutshell.
Yeah, i could Vouch for it, too.
Uh, we went out Briefly, um, But she--you know.
She's a little needy, But other than that-- I think she's Just swell.
But we've got A fucking show To do, So let's Move it.
Uh, jon, This whole--this Misunderstanding Has something To do with the snake Story, doesn't it? What snake story? Darlene! Oh, look at them, Look at them, Look at them.
They're so in love.
Mmm.
You know, i remember Once with margaret-- Hank, please, later.
I'll take you To dinner.
You can tell me All about it.
This whole thing Doesn't make sense.
Can you imagine darlene With another woman?