The Neighborhood (2018) s03e11 Episode Script

1 Thanks again, Calvin, for helping with this.
I have no idea what's stuck in there.
No problem.
You know, normally I would say this is a job for your husband, but then I remembered you're married to Dave.
Where is he anyway? Band practice.
He started one with some of the other dads at the school.
- Oh.
- What's it called "Earth, Wind & No Fire"? Uh, oh, they bring the fire.
Dave looks so hot up on stage.
If I wasn't the principal, I'd totally take my bra off and throw it at him.
I feel that way whenever Calvin fixes something.
I wear the one with tassels whenever it's a big job.
- [METALLIC CLINKING.]
- Okay, all right, I think I got it.
Ah.
It's just a spoon.
Well, I can't leave these girls hanging for that one, but good job, baby.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, sweetie.
How was band practice? Ah, terrible.
You're never gonna believe what happened.
Let me guess.
You realized you formed a dad band? No.
We were in the middle of practice when our lead singer Neil blew out his vocal cords.
Oh, no.
Was he going for the high note? No, a spider landed on the microphone and he screamed.
But you guys were supposed to play the school fundraiser next week.
You've got to find another singer.
Are you kidding? Gemma, you can't just replace someone like Neil.
I mean, Neil has stage presence, he has flair.
Plus, he's the only dad at the school that actually makes a ponytail look cool.
Well, if it'd help you out, I'd be happy to be your lead singer.
- [GASPS.]
- You-you would? Oh, my God, that's a great idea! Tina, you're like a professional-level singer.
You don't want to embarrass yourself playing with a bunch of no-talent hacks.
No offense.
I think it'd be fun.
So, what do you say, Dave? - I say congratulations.
- Ah! You are officially the new lead singer - of The Dadditudes.
- Yeah! [QUIETLY.]
: Dadditudes? Here you go, babe.
You can use this spoon to gag yourself.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
[PLAYING WARM-UP MUSIC.]
See the cute guitarist? He's my boyfriend.
Look, I'm glad that you and Dad love each other, but do me a favor and keep it to yourself.
[SCOFFS.]
Hey, everyone.
Sorry I'm late.
It's not her fault.
I was working on the furnace at home.
And what can I say? - Things got hot.
- Baby Oh, seriously, what is it with you married people? Come on, Calvin.
The groupie section's over here.
Well, I'm a man, Gemma.
I can't be called a groupie.
I prefer the term "bodyguard with benefits.
" Ooh.
Hey, so, guys, let me introduce you to Tina.
Tina, this is the guys.
- Brett, Phil.
- Hey.
Hey, so did you get a chance to check out the set list? Oh, yeah.
I love the Pat Benatar song we're doing.
You're a heartbreaker Dream maker, love taker, don't you mess around with me.
Oh, my God, she's amazing.
I know.
If I had that bra with the tassels she left by the furnace, I would definitely throw it at her.
[LAUGHS.]
- Hey, hey, little bro.
- Hey.
I hope you have not eaten, because dinner is on me.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Oh, no.
You're being nice.
What did you do to me that I don't know about yet? Will you relax? We are celebrating because I got a raise today.
But since I'm in a good mood, don't use your shampoo.
Wait.
JPL gave you a raise after only being there for a year? Yeah.
So? So, I've been there three years, and I haven't gotten a raise.
Well, why haven't you asked for one? Because, man, my boss is this weird, needy dude who's always trying to make everyone his best friend.
I'm telling you, talking to that guy is not a good idea.
Oh, come on, man.
Just go in there and tell him you deserve a raise.
The worst thing he can say is "no.
" Okay, but what am I supposed to do when he's acting like we're "best buds" and starts going on and on and on about some problem from his life that I could care less about? You can try what I do whenever I'm in that situation.
- Oh.
What? - This.
[BAND PLAYING INSIDE.]
Oh, yeah, heartbreaker Yeah! Oh, man, that was incredible.
I'm gonna have Gemma check the sprinkler system, because we are gonna set that gymnasium on fire! Forget the fundraiser.
If we keep playing this good, we could crack the bar mitzvah circuit.
I got to say, this this has really come together.
I don't think we can sound much better than that.
What do you think, Tina? Yeah, it was good.
Whew.
You only thought it was good? Yeah, it was definitely better than when we started.
But you know what? There's always room for improvement.
Right? Well, yeah, absolutely.
What were you thinking? Or as Pat Benatar would say, "Hit us with your best shot.
" Okay, well, for starters, the drums were a little too loud on the intro, which at least covered the fact that Phil was late for every downbeat.
And, Dave, you know, your chord changes were all over the place.
You know, by the time we got to the bridge, I wanted to jump off one.
I didn't know your best shot was gonna be such a nut shot.
Look, we can go out there and sound like a bunch of bums, or we can blow the roof off this joint.
Which do you want to do? Actually, what I want to do is go pick up my daughter from soccer practice.
Nice try, Phil.
If you can be late for my downbeats, you can be late for soccer.
Hey, Jerry, you got a sec? There he is! Party Marty, my bro from another mo.
[LAUGHS.]
You know it 'cause you always say it.
Come on in, have a seat.
Actually, I want to keep this kind of quick Hey, can I ask you a question? You're an expert when it comes to the ladies, right? Me? Of course you.
With that supermodel girlfriend you're always telling everyone about who lives in Canada.
What? Oh.
Right.
Katarina.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, you know, I-I haven't seen her in so long, it almost doesn't feel real.
Well, me and my old lady got into a huge fight last night.
Wow, Jerry.
I didn't know you had a girlfriend.
Oh, no, I don't.
I meant my mom.
She's been riding me like crazy lately.
"Make your bed, pick up your clothes.
When you go to the bathroom, shut the door.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Women, right? [LAUGHS.]
So, as I was saying Tell me something.
Do you and Katarina fight a lot? No, but that's probably because we live so far apart and, you know, we don't have the same DNA.
I wonder if that's the problem.
My mom and I are around each other all the time.
Well, in that case, maybe you should give her some space.
You know, that's not a bad idea.
- Hey.
- Maybe I should ask a friend if I can crash on their couch - for a couple of nights.
- There you go.
Great! Marty, can I crash on your couch for a couple of nights? Oh.
Well, I [STAMMERING.]
Hey, thanks, man.
You're a real friend.
Ha-ha! I know it, because, again, you always say it.
- Hey, hey.
- Oh, hey, Calvin.
Uh, we need to talk.
Look, Dave, that's what women say when they want to break up with you.
If that's what this is, I support your decision.
Nice try, Calvin, but you and I are going the distance.
This is actually about Tina.
What about her? Well, you know how much I love her.
And she has the voice of an angel, which, last night, she used to make our drummer cry.
Aah.
Oh, man.
It's the church choir all over again.
Well, what happened with the church choir? Well, first, she was so hard on the choir director that he quit.
So then, she became the choir director.
After a week, the choir quit.
And for the next three years, the church just played CDs.
Man, I just had I had no idea she was gonna be this hard on us.
Look, Dave, you got to understand.
Tina takes singing seriously.
Music is her passion.
It's like me with cars, or you with well, me.
What am I supposed to do? I can't kick her out of the band.
She's my friend.
Exactly.
That's why you got to make her quit on her own.
How am I supposed to do that? It's easy.
You got to get Tina to think it's her idea.
All right? Convince her that you guys are holding her back.
I'm telling you, Dave, you don't fire Beyoncé.
You make her want to go solo.
Okay.
All right, I'll I'll give it a try.
But, you know, for the record, I have to say, I think the way that she left Destiny's Child was really messed up.
Whoa.
Whoa, Dave.
Dave, this This is a Black neighborhood.
You can't be talking about Queen B like that.
[GASPS.]
Oh, hey, Dave.
I was just getting ready to come over for rehearsal.
Well, actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
I canceled rehearsal.
Hey, look, if this is about me breaking Brett's drumsticks, I said I was sorry.
I didn't mean it, but I said it.
No, Tina, we're the ones who should be apologizing to you.
I mean, Brett, Phil and me we're just a bunch of amateurs making you look bad.
I mean, the truth is, you're like Beyoncé, and we're just Dadditudes' Child.
Aw, come on, Dave.
You're being too hard on yourselves.
We just need to keep practicing.
Why, Tina? What's the point? Your voice is on another level.
Both when you sing and when you scream at us, which we deserve, because we're straight trash.
Okay, well, I will admit it has been a little frustrating.
Ah, see? I knew it.
Gosh, you know, it sounds to me like there's only one thing left to do.
You know what, Dave? I'm afraid you're right.
I'm so glad you feel We got to fire Brett and Phil.
Uh, wait.
What? You said it yourself.
They're amateurs.
Getting rid of them is the only way that we're gonna get better.
Oh, uh, Tina, that's crazy.
I'm not gonna fire Brett and Phil.
Oh, Dave, I get it.
They're your friends, and you don't want to hurt their feelings.
So I'll do it.
- I'm already used to making Phil cry.
- Okay.
No one is firing them.
They're not the ones who are ruining the band.
You are.
What? Are you serious? So you think I'm the problem with the band? Well, not anymore, because I'm kicking you out.
You kicking me out? This is unbelievable.
This is like the church choir all over again! Well, I don't know what to tell you, Tina.
You brought this on your You brought this on yourself.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'll tell you the same thing I told Pastor Jenkins! You can go to hell, Dave! [SHOUTS.]
Hey, Jerry, you haven't see my slippers lying around, have you? You mean the fuzzy blue ones? Yeah.
Sure have.
And boy, are they cozy.
Seriously? You're wearing my slippers? Oh, you don't mind, do you? Mom and I share slippers all the time.
Great.
So it's kind of like her feet have been in them, too.
Oh, good.
Jerry is still here.
And look at that.
He is wearing my robe.
I hope that's okay.
Mine's in your washing machine.
By the way, I might have broken your washing machine.
Okay, that's it.
It's been three days.
You got to take your You got to take another one of those nice long baths you love.
After all, you've only had two today.
Eh, don't mind if I do.
I'm supposed to soak my foot fungus anyway.
So, how was your day? Marty, I can't take this anymore.
You need to kick this guy out by tomorrow.
But if I kick him out, there's no way he's gonna give me a raise.
JERRY: Hey, guys, a little help? I'm out of toilet paper in here.
You know, his mom is right.
He really needs to learn to close that door.
Oh.
Hey, Dave.
Hey, Gemma.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Gemma.
Hi, you off-key backstabbing guitar zero.
Oh, well, hello to you, too, diva.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I mean, Tina.
Oh, come on! This is ridiculous.
It's been two days.
You guys have got to make up.
I know, and I usually like a good fight, but not between people I care about and Dave.
Well, good luck performing at your little fundraiser.
You're gonna need it with Brett as your singer.
Actually, we're not playing the fundraiser.
Someone crushed Brett's confidence so badly that he ran over his snare drum with his minivan.
Well, that probably sounded better than when he played it.
Good one.
You should tell that to the next church choir you get kicked out of.
Oh-ho-ho! You know, I don't have to stand here and listen to this! Neither do I! And you know what? You're just as mean as Beyoncé! - [GASPS.]
- And I don't care who hears me say it! Okay, this is getting out of control.
Dave has been awful to be around.
So has Tina.
She's been cranky as hell, stomping around, complaining about everything.
It's like I'm married to me.
It's so stupid.
Music is supposed to bring people together, not tear them apart.
Well, we better do something soon, because this could easily turn into another Ike and Tina situation.
And that Tina will beat the hell out of Dave.
Hey, Marty, good news.
My mom just changed her Facebook relationship status to "It's Complicated.
" Check and mate.
Sorry, Jerry.
I can't talk right now.
I'm too upset.
Boy, does this sleeping bag smell like your foot cream.
Oh.
What's the matter, buddy? Hey, if this is about the toothbrush, I rinsed it off as soon as I realized it was yours.
No.
I just got a call from Katarina.
She broke up with me, man.
[SOBBING.]
- What? You're kidding.
- No! She said going so long without seeing each other made us drift apart.
[SOBBING.]
I never should've left her out of my sight for more than three, maybe four nights, tops.
I can't believe it.
[SOBBING.]
: Oh, Jerry, you got to learn from my mistake.
You need to go home to your mom right now, or you two may never share slippers again.
Are you crazy? I can't abandon you now.
That's not true.
You absolutely can.
No way, buddy.
I'm not going anywhere.
After all, you know what they say bros before mos.
Okay, that's it, I give up.
You got to go.
- What? - You heard me, man.
You're sloppy, you're inconsiderate, and you use other people's toothbrushes! I didn't even let Katarina do that and she ain't even real! Wow.
I had no idea I was bothering you so much.
Why didn't you say something? Because, man, I wanted a raise, and if I didn't let you stay here, I didn't think you'd give it to me.
Well, that's ridiculous.
You're one of the best engineers on our team.
All you have to do is ask.
Really? Well, in that case, can I have a raise? Oh, I didn't mean ask me.
I have no say in that.
What? Well, then who do I ask? No clue, but if you figure it out, would you let me know? I haven't had a raise in over five years.
Why the hell do you think I live with my mom? [LOUD ELECTRIC GUITAR FEEDBACK.]
[OPERATICALLY.]
: Your love is like a tidal wave Spinning over my head Drowning me in your promises Better left unsaid What are you guys doing? Knock it off! Yeah, you're gonna piss off the whole neighborhood! Exactly.
And we're gonna keep doing it until you guys get over yourselves and make up.
Yeah, and you better do it quick, Dave, 'cause everybody's been talking about - how you dissed Beyoncé.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, you can play all night, because I've got nothing to say to him! Yeah, and even if she did, it wouldn't matter because I'm not listening to her.
Okay, all right.
If you two aren't gonna listen to each other, then I guess you're gonna have to listen to this.
- [GUITAR FEEDBACK.]
- Your love is like a tidal wave Spinning over my head MAN: Shut that noise up! WOMAN: Yeah! Don't make me sic my dog on you! Okay, okay, guys, guys, just just stop.
Okay, so what's up? Are y'all gonna make up or what? Uh, 'cause Gemma and I - we can ruin R&B, too.
- Oh, yeah.
I don't know why you're mad at me.
You're the one who kicked me out of the band.
I didn't want to kick you out of the band, but with the way that you were acting, you gave me no choice.
Don't you see, Dave? I was only trying to make us better.
Tina, I get it, but look, we're not professionals like you.
We're just a bunch of dads getting together to make music and have fun.
I thought we were having fun, which is why it really hurt my feelings when you kicked me out.
But I guess maybe I hurt some people's feelings, too.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, look, I'm sorry, too.
I never should have tried to trick you into quitting on your own.
Wait.
You did what? I tried to tell him, but he wouldn't listen.
So, what do you guys say? Are we done with this? Yeah, of course.
- Of course.
- CALVIN: Yeah.
- [LAUGHING.]
- CALVIN: That's right.
All right! That's what I'm talking about.
You two making beautiful music together, a lot like this.
[LOUD GUITAR FEEDBACK.]
WOMAN: That's it! Go get 'em, Fluffy! Fluffy? Ain't nobody scared of no dog named Fluffy.
[DOG BARKING.]
Oh, damn.
- It's an ironic name.
Run! Run! Run! - [SHRIEKS.]
Only two days till the fundraiser, and we're going on after the ventriloquist, so you know that house is gonna be rocking.
Okay, well, let's hit it.
And this time I can't believe I'm saying this with Dadditude! BRETT: One, two, three, four! [PLAYING INTRO TO "HEARTBREAKER".]
Your love is like a tidal wave Spinning over my head Drowning me in your promises Better left unsaid Okay, I take it back.
Dad does look kind of cool.
I know.
It's pretty awesome being married to such talented badasses.
You ain't lying.
Tina's a lucky woman.
You're a heartbreaker, dream maker Love taker, don't you mess around with me Heartbreaker, dream maker Love taker, don't you mess around, no, no, no!