The Ricky Gervais Show (2010) s03e11 Episode Script

For the past few years, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations.
This is one of them.
Testing.
Is that all right? Hello, and welcome to The Ricky Gervais Show, with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant Hello.
And a little round-headed buffoon.
That is Karl Pilkington.
Right.
Well, Karl, you are officially a published author.
And, and a copy will go in the British Library.
Will it? Yeah.
Well they have to take every rubbish I think it will go in the British Library lavatory.
- Yeah.
- From what I understand It will be in there.
Uh, with like a collection of like novelty postcards, - and maybe a Viz compendium.
- Yeah, exactly.
You know Yeah, so they have to They take everything.
Just think of that.
But why do they do this? Why do they think they've gotta keep everything? Cause it's We're living in a world now where everything is sort of binable.
And, you know, we use stuff for what it is.
"Binable?" Well, that No, I think you could say that.
That's fine.
That's fine.
Um There was a sort of poetry to it, but I think he stumbled across that.
I don't think it was intentional.
Yeah, I mean I'm I still haven't got over him saying, "foodage.
" Do you know what I mean, though? The, the world's changed.
So why is that rule still hanging around when Well, it's not a rule.
I mean, it's not a rule that You know, the country's gonna, you know, live and die by.
It's just that, it is seen as a A repository for knowledge, for information.
And I don't believe any old joker can wander in there and get one of these books.
I think you have to either be a scholar.
- I think maybe it's open for brief window for students.
- Yeah.
But, you know, you can't, you couldn't just wander in there and see your own book, Karl.
You know There's some books that Uh, they have to turn the page for you in gloves so your The amino acids I'd hate that.
With yours it won't matter.
They'll just go, "It's over there," or they'll throw it to you.
Or they'll slide, they'll slide it along the floor.
No, it's Or they say "Oh, I can't give it to you, Karl, cause it's propping up this desk.
" Yeah.
They'll kick it to you and say, "Put it in the bog when you're finished with it.
" Yeah.
It's just that thing of being timed, though.
I hate it when people go, "Oh, have you read this?" And then I can't read it properly, cause I'm thinking, "They're thinking I'm taking ages there.
" Do you know what I mean? So I have to scan read it.
And they go, "Oh, it's good that.
" And they go, "What do you think?" And I go, "Oh, about what?" So I'd hate to find out someone stood there with gloves on.
Cause that isn't normal, relaxing sort of reading is it? But it's not, it's not You don't go in to read the "Doomsday Book.
" Let's say, in order to just have a relaxing read.
You're going in there to study it, you know, historically.
To say they're professors and scholars and scientists and historians.
They don't wander in because it's raining and they go, "What's a good read?" There's not a man wearing white gloves turning the pages of the latest Jackie Collins.
Exactly.
Do you have Heat? I Watching your lips move as you read, to see if he should turn the next page.
I suppose I shouldn't really feel guilty cause at the end of the day, right I mean, people always rave about Shakespeare saying, "Oh, you know, his work was good.
" Brilliant.
But at the same time They probably put that on the book when he brings another out.
They put your review on it.
"Oh, that was good.
" Karl Pilkington.
But at the same time, you know, like some people will have a go.
I'm ready for, for people having a go.
Like that Wendy did.
- About my little films I made.
- It's her opinion.
For those of you who didn't hear, she slammed Karl.
No, well, you know, each to their own and that and, uh You know, if everyone liked the same thing, I don't know what we'd do, right? - Sure.
- Uh You didn't do anything.
So, so all I'm saying is Everybody raves about Shakespeare.
Mmm.
When If you properly looked at what he did, he, he invented a lot of swearing words, right? Effing and Jeffing and that.
Now if That was one of his? Well, there's Effing and Jeffing, and Effing and Jeffing, Part II.
But all I'm saying is, for some reason when things were were brought out years ago.
Um, people say they're good even though they're not, is what I mean.
When I was watching that documentary about the, the real Indiana Jones, um Brilliant.
They dug out, um, some rocks with drawings on.
And they were like, oh, don't damage 'em, don't, don't mark the paint and And it's like, it's rubbish.
It was like a stick fellow with a yak.
And ifnow if that were found now Or if a kid brought, showed me that, I'd go, oh, it's not that good.
So what I mean is Cause stuff's old, old stuff gets respect.
But you're not judging it on its aesthetic merits.
You're judging it on its historical importance.
Because I don't think that's fair, though.
Because when that, when that fella drew that, it wasn't old.
He did it when he was knocking about.
- No, but you must see the difference.
- Yes, but Between you doing a, a stick man on a wall, with a bit of chalk, near your local And a cave painting that, that, that they date to 10,000 years ago.
Yeah so in 10,000 years' time, when they find my story Will it gain more respect then, than it is now? No, less.
But why is it? Cause, I Because people will more and more realize what a buffoon you are.
The more research we do, the more you expose yourself, as an empty, egg-headed, uh, moron.
That's a friend speaking right there, Ricky Gervais.
He loves you like a brother.
No I'm just, I just think - You've mentioned him before, Steve, this Pepys fella.
- Yes.
Has he done anything else apart from a diary? Cause now I've done, now I've done a book and a diary.
That means you're better than Pepys, is what you're thinking, isn't it? Well, I'm not gonna say that until I know, but what else did he do? Well, Pepys wasn't a writer predominantly.
Right.
I believe he was a, you know, like a bureaucrat or something.
But he kept a diary, which has since become a historical landmark.
And what did he say in it? Well it's, again, more because it's both well-written, and it's also an amazing insight into A social document, as well.
Yeah.
A social document, yeah.
It's a social document of that period.
I mean yours is a social document but it, it sort of revolves around Uh, having egg and chips in a caf and seeing a lady bird, which, you know But that's, that's today's living.
That's what I'm saying.
Well his, but his describes the Great Fire of London Which is what its most, he's best remembered for.
Yeah, but we haven't had one of them.
If we had one, I'd write it down.
I'm only writing what's happening.
He, he was just lucky.
He was about in London when that happened.
The thing is, if they read your diary, they'd think, well nothing happened that year.
Nothing important in the world happened that year.
Cause your diary doesn't just mention, I mean, okay, yes, it does It fails to mention any disasters in London, cause we haven't had any.
It doesn't mention any world events.
It doesn't mention wars in Iraq, terrorism, it doesn't mention anything.
But I don't need to.
But that's all being wrote about anyway.
If you're saying there's a museum that's keeping everything.
There's loads of other books for that.
Who's looking up the fellow whose skulls fell off? What? See? It's interesting, isn't it? A fellow's skull has fell off.
What do you mean, his skull has fell off? It's something to do with circulation.
But what do you mean his skull fell off? Well it's in the diary.
But how can a skull fall off? Cause it's surrounded by tissue and it's got a brain.
And how can just a skull How can it, how can it detach itself from all the stuff surrounding it? He mislaid all his dreams.
But, but But all I'm saying is, that's that's not getting a looking.
No, because it's not significant or probably true.
Karl, you have the same concepts that you worked out and decided that were true, at about 10, I think.
I look at it, life, like a, like a big book.
Box of chocolates? - Like a big book.
- Right.
Okay, yeah.
And you know, sometimes you get halfway through it, and you go, even though I've been, you know, been enjoying it, I've had enough.
- Give us another book.
- No.
Your metaphor, analogy, whatever you're trying to create there, falls down with, let's have another book.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
You can either opt out of life, or stick with it 'til the end.
You can't go, uh, I'll be someone else now.
You can't do that.
I know you think you can.
And I think in your world you can, you know, possibly be injected into an old woman's head, when you've had enough And you'd come out a little baby.
What I mean is, at the moment, you know, my life I'm gonna live to Okay.
All right.
So yeah, I am probably on page What am I on? A book that's got about 200 This is painful, Steve.
This is really painful.
Come on, sorry, carry on.
I'm on Say my book's got, uh, 300 pages in it.
Yeah.
Few pictures and that.
- It's a picture book.
- Um That's the great thing about Karl's life.
It's a book for children.
Is it? It's a popup book.
And it just Every page he pops in it he goes, "All right.
" Ha, ha.
"All right.
" I'm probably on like, page about 170.
Yeah.
That's so specific.
He's gonna die at 74.
Yeah.
He's reading a book with a few pictures in with 300 pages, and he's on 170.
Go on, then.
So, right If, if the book was too thick, all right, and there was loads more pages Let me tell you, this book is way too thick.
Yeah.
If the book was more thick, yeah.
The book could not be thicker.
If there was loads more pages left, I'd go, I can't be bothered reading on.
Right.
Okay, no let him finish the analogy.
But you must But he must have known that when he saw the book.
You don't You've got to finish this analogy.
Otherwise we're gonna be here all night.
Right, listen.
He must have known how many pages there were when he got the book out of the library.
Yeah, but the way they write books They paint in pictures more at the beginning.
You're going, this is good.
And then it, it gets a bit boring as it goes on, doesn't it? Okay, well that works.
So you're saying that you You were young No, it doesn't work! Because you just accepted that that's what all books are like.
Well, no, but there's a little bit of poetry in that.
Cause he's sort of He's actually saying that, when he was young, his whole life was ahead of him.
He couldn't wait.
The whole world, the promise that he was given of this world.
And now he's, he's a bit jaded and he's more cynical.
And he realizes that the world hasn't got as much to offer him, as he thought it was.
Is that what you meant? Yeah.
Liar.
Actually, Karl, you like sayings, don't you? Um, I've got a list here of some of the The sayings and phrases that Shakespeare made up really.
Um, "in a pickle," was his.
Yeah.
And we know what "in a pickle," means.
Yeah we know, we know what it means.
I, I, it's a saying I'd, I'd never use.
Cause when you're in a pickle, it's not something that you would say.
No, if you're being sort of, if you're captured, and you're being tortured for information.
Yeah.
You wouldn't, and you get access to a phone You wouldn't call go, "MI5, I'm in a pickle.
" Hmm.
You'd be screaming, going, "They've taken me teeth out.
" While you've been talking about that, I just was looking on the computer at, uh The "Pun of the Day" website.
Uh, here's a couple that you might, you might like.
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said, "Keep off the grass.
" Okay, okay now if the pun is the lowest form of wit, and let's face it, sarcasm isn't.
Sarcasm is up there compared to the pun, then the drug pun I think is one of the lowest of the low.
Oh, people who congratulate themselves on getting drug references.
Keep off the grass, will you? Ha, ha.
Grass, get it, grass? You know, they're smoking the grass and that.
I think puns should be short for punch him in the mouth.
Idioms are better.
Go on then, what's an idiom? Uh Is that a new word you made up? No, I As in, Karl Pilkington's a complete idiom.
Yeah.
I found out what it was cause I thought, oh, I like them.
What are they? Right.
Yeah that's right.
And it's like little sayings.
That sum stuff up.
Go on, give us an example of your favorite.
Okay, I'll just say one.
Uh, uh, talking about sayings.
Karl was getting fed up with somewhat.
He was, uh Uh, he was fed up with not getting replies from something.
He's, you know, he's having a hard time, you know.
And, uh, I went "Oh, the worm is turned.
" He went, "What?" "The worm is turned," you know.
You've Stupid saying, isn't it? No, okay, tell him why you think that's a stupid saying.
Because how do you know when a worm's turned? Right.
Of all the creatures that you could flip over and know it's turned, why pick a worm? It's a bad It's, it's the worst thing they could have picked to express something turning.
But you're turning literally.
It means changing, doesn't it? Changing your attitude.
"A new broom.
" "Turning over a new leaf.
" Yeah but then use something that changes.
Things are gonna be different now, and I'm sick of it.
Chameleon.
No, but Chameleon is a brilliant thing to use for something to change.
Oh.
Chuck that in a sentence.
There's nothing that you can link a worm to human life to.
You're talking about something that's It's blind, isn't it? It's blind, deaf Gay.
It's got no features.
Why is he having such a go at a worm? Just because it's, it's a weird thing to use.
Something that Its ass is more, it does more than its head.
That could be said of you, Karl, to be fair.
Oh, chimpanzee that, he's gone and written it down again Just reading excerpts of Karl's diary.
"Went home and looked up Freud on the Internet.
"Didn't find him that interesting.
"So I looked at some other philosophers instead.
"Socrates, Aristotle.
"Lao Tzu from years ago came up with some good stuff.
"One, he knew, he who knows, does not speak.
"He who speaks, does not know.
" Not entirely true.
"To lead people, walk behind them.
" Yep.
"And, of course, the journey of Yeah, good that.
"Maybe this is why people are at the start line spectating at the Commonwealth Games.
" Well, I, no, it's just that I, I've never understood why, in Olympics and stuff like that If you're gonna watch, don't stand around on the start line.
Go to the end where you see the winner.
But, because of that saying, it actually makes sense, doesn't it? It's like, well, every step starts with a step, or whatever.
Say it again.
Uh, every race, you know, you got to start with a, with, with a step.
Yeah.
If you want to stay at the start line, do.
What does that mean? I'm just saying if, if you're into, I'm not I wouldn't watch a race, right.
Okay.
Right.
But all I'm saying is If I was to watch a race Yeah.
I wouldn't hang about the start line because I, I'm capable Well, you just said you would.
What? Did I? Yeah, you said that's the place to start, because every, every race starts with a step.
No.
But I wouldn't normally.
- When I was on holiday - Yeah.
- Suzanne said, there's a race going on down the road.
- Yeah.
I'd go, well, let's go keep going down the road and stand at the finish line.
Okay, but now who are we talk But according to Lao Tzu Yeah.
I'd say, well, hang on a minute.
Every race starts with a single step.
Yeah.
How many people are around the start line? Is there more room there? And she's goes, "Yeah.
" I'll go, let's go there then.
It's less busy.
Right.
And what would you see there then? I'd see people starting the race, but I wouldn't be that impressed with them, because I'd go, well, I don't know if any of these are any good.
So would you start at the start or the end then? I'dif it was down to me, I, I'd just probably stay at the finish line.
Okay.
So you wouldn't want to see the first step then? Not really.
So what do you think of Lao Tzu now then? Uh, I preferred the leading people from behind.
Okay.
And what would you do to lead someone now then.
Um, well, if you're behind, you don't have to take responsibility, do you? You can go, well, I didn't send you here.
You went there.
That's not really leading them, though, is it? Yeah, because I've made them think.
I've gone, uh They go, oh, I've just walked into a big hole.
I'd go, oh, you should have been looking where you're going.
I haven't led them in that hole, but they've learned a lesson.
They won't go in a hole again.
That was one of the greatest conversations I've ever been a part of.
I mean, that was incredible.
Never mind Aristotle and Socrates.
That was incredible, that.
That was incredible, Karl.
One of the key catch-phrases, if you like, from the war, Karl, was of course, "Keep the home fires burning.
" Is that like saying, in a way, but Don't worry when you come home, the house is warm.
Pretty much.
Sort of.
Yeah.
Never forget where you're from.
We're remembering you.
We're here waiting for you.
Yeah.
Again, it doesn't say what it means.
So there is you, you know, risking your life.
And you're getting the letter from 'em saying, "We've got the heating on.
" Again, working hard, paying the bills.
They've got the heating blaring.
Put your coat on.
Start panicking.
"We're keeping the home fires burning.
" What? I didn't know what you mean.
Fire.
When we have that in? I thought we had central heating.
Who's, who's she got in? Who is this bloke who's moved in, changed the heating system? It's all, it's all extra hassle.
Do you knowyeah.
Isthis is why it's best not hearing from people.
Go on.
Brilliant.
I've, I was in the jungle, wasn't I? Yeah.
Right? For this program.
Suzanne Should explain that Karl wasn't on maneuvers.
We sent Karl around the world for a program.
Um, and, uh, yeah But hold on.
I want to hear about your He was in the jungle.
And he, he didn't want to hear anything from home, because No.
On a lot of the trips I had a phone now and again.
So I could call Suzanne.
When I was in the jungle, I was out of contact for like five days.
Nothing.
- Didn't know what was going on where, right? - Right.
I get out of the jungle.
I call Suzanne up.
Everything all right? Yeah.
What bills have we got? Uh And then I said, how, you know, how was it? And she said, it was reassuring, you know, it was all right.
And it's reassuring that if you died, it'd be all right.
What? What do you mean? That was from Suzanne.
What was she saying? Because she sort of, it was like I was dead for five days.
And she said things weren't that bad.
I've still got stuff sorted out.
It's reassuring.
She said what? She said You called her up after five days of being in the jungle, eating grubs and having things Surviving.
Yeah.
Surviving.
Yeah.
Right.
There's me.
The first phone call I get I put the phone on.
I'm going to call Suzanne and let her know I'm all right.
So you could get the phone calls in the jungle, but you didn't want to.
What do you mean, turn the phone on? I thought you meant you were No.
It was off, because there's no signal.
All right.
You mean you got out of the jungle.
You mean you got out of the jungle.
Right.
I got out of the jungle.
Popped the phone on.
Thinking right, I'll call Suzanne, let her know I'm all right.
Yeah.
Mmm.
I've been to hell and back here.
Call her up.
Everything all right? Uh, you know, what's it been like not, not to I said, that's the longest we've gone, isn't it? I don't think I've ever gone 24 hours without talking to her for 17 years.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Suddenly there's a week when I'm not talking to her.
She goes, yeah, it started off weird, but it's reassuring, that if you were dead, I can handle it.
Cause she said, I sorted everything out still.
I could handle it if you weren't here.
Now, now what offended you most? Um, the, the fact that you did Well, just like the That, uh You want her to be dependent on you? Or the fact that you realize, you make no difference at all in her life? Well, that's a bit annoying, isn't it? They forget, don't they? The bills weren't as piling up as, as much as they normally do.
That's the only thing they ever get through the door.
You know, when there's a postal strike, carry on.
I'm not interested.
You're only bringing bills to the door anyway.
Carry on striking.
There wasn't that much post.
There wasn't that many bills to sort out.
There wasn't problems with the boiler.
She's forgetting all this.
Right.
So I'd like to go back in the jungle Yeah.
Just as the boiler, the flame started to flicker Yeah.
And about to go out.
Let's see her then.
And that's why I'd say to any soldiers listen to this, before you leave home.
Yeah.
Just leave everything.
Break a few things.
- Uh, don't pay the bills, and then go.
- Yeah.
And they'll miss you more.
Yeah.
They'll miss you more.
Well, that's great advice to people overseas Let me just reiterate that The next time, when you come home, have a great time, with your wife and kids.
See your see your mom and dad, and all your family.
But then, when you've just gotta go back into active service, just, uh, smash the place up and shit everywhere.
Thanks.
Karl, what's your thoughts on poetry? I've never really been a, a fan of it.
There's a surprise.
It's sold in a bad light.
It's a bit sort of, a bit gay, isn't it? Okay.
I mean it depends what sort you're talking about.
Cause I, maybe there's poetry out there that I haven't heard.
There's some poetry gayer than others.
Yeah.
War poetry can't be gay, can't it? - That was people - I haven't heard Go on.
People fighting in the trenches and that can't be gay.
They weren't gay.
They were, they were writing to their sweetheart.
I don't know his name.
Might, might have been a bloke.
I don't know.
But so is, was it, was it, uh, sort of a, what sort of poem was it? Was it a sort of a limerick? Sort of a No, it was, it was, uh, well there's, there's famous ones.
Wilfred Owen and Siegfried Sassoon and they're very moving.
They're about, uh, you know, the, the What usually happens is that they talk about "Why are we here?" This is, you know, we've been, we've been sold a, a lie here.
You know, and they really It's like seeing war in a different light from Their point of view in the trenches.
Famously some of 'em died soon after the, you know But I prefer, I prefer a proper letter.
They'd written the poem.
No sort of crypticness.
That's the problems with poems.
Right.
Okay.
So you You'd be disappointed to get Dulce Et Decorum Est through the post, would you? You'd have just said, what you trying to say, mate? It, what's the weather like? When you coming home? Did you get me socks? Well, yeah, sometimes life is a bit like that.
And it's like say what you mean.
Right.
Well that's, well then, there You have just wiped all art off the face of the earth.
If you literally just say what you mean.
No I'm just saying in a letter.
Say if I, say if I was a woman, and me fella was fighting in a war.
Right.
What's your fella's name? Harry.
Okay.
So Harry, let me get this right.
So when were you married? Uh, about 19, uh, 1935.
been married about four years.
Yeah.
Harry, what, why don't you go off? Oh, you're a woman, aren't you? You don't go fight.
Okay.
So what did you see in Harry? What, what, why, why did you like Harry? Was he - He just was like funny, uh - Butch.
He wasn't that butch but that didn't matter back then, did it, in the war? No.
No, and you They took everyone.
But what did you say when Harry was, had said to you Well I, I thought it was coming.
Because a lot of, uh, a lot of our friends ended up Right.
Did you hug him and say don't go or something? No point, cause that would have just made it tough for him.
So What's the point? Just go with it.
But if he I cried after he went.
You cried after he went.
That's what you do, isn't it? You wouldn't do it in front of him.
He's got, he's gotta go to battle.
Okay, so your man goes off to battle.
-Right.
Then I get a, a letter from the Colonel.
- Right.
Saying a bit of bad news.
Harry's dead.
Now I get a letter in the post He said, he said what he meant, didn't he, in the - Well, yeah.
And they would do, wouldn't they? - Yeah.
They wouldn't funny around saying, "Oh, he was, he was on the "War path and the cloud, the cloud went dark.
" I go, what Just tell me what happened.
I don't want a weather forecast.
He got shot in the ass and the bullet came out his head.
Right.
Now, the Colonel, he, he would just tell me the basics.
Now, because he sent his by, um - Telegram, telegram? - Telegram.
- They sent a telegram.
- Hmm.
The letter I get from Harry has been stamped, so I get it late.
Oh, okay.
So I get a letter from, uh, from Harry after he's died.
Right and you know he's dead.
I know he's dead, so I get this letter with his handwriting on it.
And I'm devastated, cause I was just getting over his death.
Yeah.
It's all brought back to me when this letter drops through the post.
Well yeah, three days and you're pretty much over it.
- It'll have his handwriting.
Oh, God, what's this? - Yeah.
- I open it.
- Yeah.
And instead of saying, "Things are bad here.
"Socks are damp, uh, you know, everything's grim.
" "It's cold, I'm sick of it.
" There's a poem.
It wouldn't feel like it was from Harry.
But now Well They're not in his words.
Poems are never in the, in the person's words.
But didn't you know Harry was a poet when you married him, and made love to him at night? No, he only picked it up, because other people were doing it.
Something to do in the trenches.
But when he carried you over the threshold, Karl, and he He laid you down and gently kissed you, didn't he, didn't he say any Didn't he ever He must have whispered some sweet nothings into your spherical, round head.
- No, it wasn't like that.
It wasn't like that.
- No? Straight to the point.
It was like, "Get your knickers off.
" That's one of the weirdest fucking scenarios I've ever heard.
What the fuck was the telegram coming before the letter? So specific.
It wasn't like Harry Who the fuck's Harry? Oh, God.