The Wonder Years s03e11 Episode Script
Don't You Know Anything About Women?
In the game of life, there are few certainties.
Car Accident.
Pay five-thousanddollars if not insured Cough it up, Carla.
Your turn, Kev.
In fact, most things are left to chance.
"Get Married".
Gimme a pink one.
Who is she, Kevin? Marsha Brady.
No, no! Nancy Sinatra.
There's someone for everyone, we're told.
But the search for that one person to ridebeside you in life is serious business.
Especially when you're thirteen.
Paul? It's your turn.
It's a matter of trial, error and pure dumb luck.
And of course chemistry.
Do not try this at home.
Ah, chemistry.
Nothin' like it.
Proceed with you experiment.
Remember - observation is the key.
Uh-huh, there was lots to be learned by observing Susan Fisher.
Miss Fisher Will you please read from your laboratory manual? The following experiment is one involvin'sodium and chloride - the basic components of salt.
Susan spanned the entire periodic table of elements.
She was gorgeous, exotic And thanks to Donald Wallach, totally unavailable.
Still, something about the way that woman said Sodium chloride precipitate.
That set my blood boilin'.
Hey! Pay attention or you'll get burned.
Linda Sloan, on the other hand, was my, well lab partner.
I was paying attention.
Sure you were She was smart, funny And comfortable.
Mix your precipitates, and stand back.
Think we're ready for this? As we'll ever be No question about it - Linda was really, really A great guy.
Here it goes! Maybe next time.
Sure.
But in chemistry, as in life The realities are clear.
Some combinations make sparks Some don't.
With one small footnote.
Never get involved, Kev.
What's the matter, Paul? Carla problems? She wants me to take her miniature golfing! So? So? I just took her miniature golfing.
The woman is killing me! I mean, she has me on a leash! Uh-huh.
You had to take Paul's belly-aching witha grain of salt the guy was really happy only when he was hen-pecked.
Women! Well, Paul, if you're so miserable,why don't you just break up with her? I should.
You know, I really should.
But then who am I gonna take to the dance Friday night? I mean, I can't go alone Nobody goes alone.
Well, almost nobody.
So who are you goin' with? Oh, I I'm not sure yet.
Oh, I get it.
You're plannin' your move, huh checkin' out the field Yeah! Right.
Actually, I'd resigned myself tospending the evening watching CraigHobson drop dead flies in the punchbowl.
I know why don't you ask her? Susan Fisher? Are you nuts? Why not? She's available.
Paul, she happens to be joined at the hip to Donald Wallach! Man, you gotta put yourself in the loop! Donald and Susan broke up.
Carla heard it from Melissa Bemil yesterday at lunch.
Go ahead, ask her.
No I couldn't.
Come on, take a chance.
You only live once.
It was powerful logic.
Assuming, of course That Paul, Carla, and Melissa Bemil were right.
There was only one sure way to find out.
I'd just gather my courage, walk right up to her, and Eavesdrop.
I swear Donald can be so stuck-up sometimes.
I told him so, too.
Good - rumor confirmed.
Now all I had to do was have her notice old unstuck-up Kevin Arnold.
Well, I gotta get going, now.
See y'all later.
Bye.
Or, I could just lie here until school was over,and ask the janitor to let me out.
Nice move overall, but your back was slightly arched on the dismount.
I'll give it a "nine.
" The chair broke, OK? They'll do that on ya.
I don't think she saw you, anyway.
Who? Susan Fisher! What makes you think I'd care if Susan Fisher saw me? Oh, I don't know - a wild guess.
Boy, when it comes to women You don't know anything, do you? What do you mean by that? I mean you're technique is off.
But don't worry - it's correctable.
You just need a little advice.
Hnnh - me? Are you kidding? Why would I need advice? Sorry - you're right.
What was I thinking of? Seeya, Mr.
Smooth.
So, what's your advice? You want to ask Susan Fisher to the dance, don't you? Well I Come on, don't kid a kidder - women know these things.
You want to ask Susan, but you don't know what to say Well And you're afraid you gonna makea fool of yourself.
Correct? Kinda "Kinda"? This girl was reading my mind like a phone-book.
So, how should I do it? Let's see how about something like "Hi, Susan, I was wondering if you'd like to go to the dance with me?" Really? Works for me! Just be casual.
Don't look anxious or nervous.
Be yourself.
You think she'll say "yes"? That depends whether or not she wants to go to the dance with you.
I'm serious! Well, why not? You're a cute guy.
But don't let it go to your head.
Look - there's only one way to find out.
Just march right up and ask her.
Sounded simple enough.
Just march right up and ask her.
As soon as I had the nerve.
Carla's mad at me.
Again? I forgot our three-month anniversary - she was expecting roses.
Oh, I'm sorry, Paul, but- She knows I'm allergic to flowers! I'm telling you, I'm seriously thinking about becoming a bachelor again.
I mean, look at you! No woman controls your life! Paul, I'll talk to you later, OK? What if the day comes when I don't feel like playing miniature golf? I'll seeya later! I couldn't worry about Paul.
Right now I had a rendevous with fate.
Susan! Hi.
Hi Kevin.
Kevin! Kevin.
Whew! How are you? I'm fine, thank you.
How are you? Alright! Now devastate her with your wit.
So could you believe Cantwell today? He's quite the character.
Yeah.
Good, good.
Now Linda said just be myself.
So, a little hesitation for just the right effect, and - So, uh, I was wondering, if you, wanted to go, uh Susan.
Susan - we have to talk.
Donald! I was talking to Kevin Unbelievable.
I'd blown a golden opportunity - and whose fault was it? Mine? I just shouldn't have asked her in the first place.
Seems to me you didn't ask her at all.
Seems to me you chickened out.
I didn't chicken out! Just that I think she's back together with Donald, that's all.
Oh Look, it's no big deal anyway I'm just not going to the dance.
Hey! Want to hear a stupid idea? What? Aw, nah, forget it - it's really stupid.
Come on, what? Well, I was just thinking since you're not going to the dance, and I'm not going to the dance why don't we go together? Together? Yeah.
As friends.
As friends? Why not? It might be fun.
She did have a point.
Another Friday nightsharing the couch with Wayne and Delores wasn't exactly enticing.
Well, why not? Great! Sure Why shouldn't two friendsgo to a dance together? And to think I'd almost humiliated myself by asking - Kevin? Where did you run off to? I, uh I thought you were gonna ask me somethin'.
I was? Somethin' about science class? Oh that.
Um, just OK, now - keep calm! Say something brilliant! What's the atomic weight of barium? Ah hah! I'm sure I don't know Oh.
Then, I'll just.
.
look it up.
Are you goin' to the dance on Friday? Yeah.
I mean I-I think so.
I hope so.
Hmmm? Maybe you'll save me a dance, then.
OK? Was she joking - save her a dance? I'd save every tango, every twist Every polka, every frug in the book! And suddenly my life was complete! This was bliss - no - more than bliss.
This was Susan Fisher and me! And, of course, Linda.
The strain is killing me! Don't give up now.
It's only two.
No, I mean this whole thing with Carla.
Well, did you get her the roses? It cost me eight dollars and sixty-seven cents.
Not to mention this rash on my arm.
It's a lucky thing she didn't ask for carnations.
Carnations give me shingles.
It's getting too complicated, Kev.
Maybe I should break up with her.
- Paul - Maybe I'll go to the dance with you.
I, uh I can't.
You're going with Susan Fisher?! Not exactly but, she did ask me to save her a dance.
Alright! Except, I my date is Linda Sloan.
You dog! Huh? Babes crawling all over you - what a life.
Paul, it's not that great, OK? Yeah.
Right! Paul, really! What am I gonna do - I can't be with two girls at one dance! In that case, there's only one solution.
You gotta ditch one of 'em.
Hey! It's the only honorable thing to do.
Honorable, sure But I wasn't just gonna ditch Linda.
I was thinking of a more gallant plan of action.
I was gonna weasel my way out of this.
So what time are you picking me up tomorrow night? Uh, Linda? Did we say we were definitely, definitely, going together? I thought so.
Why? Uh, nothing.
It's - I hope you're not trying to weasel your way out of this.
Cuz I already turned down Steve Padway.
Steve Padway asked you to the dance? After you and I decided to go.
I wasn't about to let you down.
Look, if you want I'll wear a sign thatsays "Kevin Arnold is just my friend".
OK? I'll pick you up at seven-thirty.
Great! OK.
So I'd failed as a weasel.
Linda was right I couldn't let a friend down.
I'll get it, Mom! Besides, it's not like I had to worryabout getting flowers to match her dress.
This was sorta like going to the dance with Paul.
Hi! Only not at all.
Hi Would you like to come in for a second? Sure! You sail? Yeah, my family goes every summer.
I was in a competition last year.
You never told me that! Here, I got something for you.
It was either this or one of those plastic lizards.
The amazing thing is, even with thepretty dress and all the make-up And even though she was pinning a flower on my lapel And even though her hair smelledlike new-mown hay in a tropicalgarden on the first day of spring There! She was still the same old Linda.
My buddy.
My pal.
Hey guys! Where have you been? Paul, where's Carla? History.
I broke up with her - I'm a free man! What?! But you guys were so good together.
Hey, there's other fish in the sea Boy, this is gonna be great! The babes the music.
I gotta got out there and sow my wild oats! Wild oats? It's just an expression.
He's fooling himself.
He's not gonna be happy.
He'll miss her.
Linda? Hi, Steve.
Padway, what do you want? Uh, would you like to dance with me? Well, if you don't mind, Kevin.
Of course I could have said "no" - technically, I mean.
Still Hey you don't need my permission.
I'd love to, Steve.
Great! Thanks alot! He's crazy about you.
It's obvious! Yeah, right! Now what am I supposed to do? Just be yourself - works for me.
It was strange.
Watching Linda dancewith Steve Padway, I felt almost Well, I mean, she was funny.
And smart.
And comfortable.
- And she - Kevin? Hi Humunuh-humunuh-humunuh.
Ready for our dance? Was Rhett Butler ready for Scarlett O'Hara? Was Anthony ready for Cleopatra? And as we stepped out onto that dance-floor,I was prepared to take my place among theworld's greatest romances.
No more admiring Susan from the distance.
She was here, in my arms.
The perfect woman the perfect song.
The perfect moment.
Cheers.
To us.
I wanted to enjoy this moment forever.
Kevin Arnold, with Susan Fisher.
Kevin Arnold, with the girl of his dreams.
Kevin Arnold with Absolutely nothing to talk about.
Would you hold this a minute? I'll be right back.
No sweat.
Where'd you disappear to? Linda Hi.
How was your dance with Steve? It was OK.
- For me? - No - this is Susan's! Oh.
Maybe I didn't say that in exactly the right way.
She's gonna be right back.
I mean, she already drank out of it But there's more! At that moment I guess I felt likecrawling into that punch bowl andpulling the ice-cubes over my head.
But I knew I couldn't.
She's not so great, you know.
Linda, I - Don't say it.
I understand.
So, uh You don't mind if I go find Steve Padway, do you? I don't mind.
I'll seeya in science class.
It was the first heart I'd ever broken.
And in a way, my own heart was aching a little, too.
It didn't seem fair.
I really liked Linda, but the fact was I just didn't feel about her the way Susan Fisher felt about Donald Wallach.
Maybe she'd just been toying with me, or maybe she used me to get back with Donald.
In any event, it was pretty clear Paul wasn't the only one who had been fooling himself.
This dance is for Paul From Carla All our young lives we search for someone to love.
Someone who makes us complete.
We choose partners, and change partners.
We dance to a song of heartbreak, and hope.
All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect who might be searching for us ÇϺñ ÀÚ¸· µ¿È£È¸ °¨»çÇÕÏÙÙ.
iamy1004
Car Accident.
Pay five-thousanddollars if not insured Cough it up, Carla.
Your turn, Kev.
In fact, most things are left to chance.
"Get Married".
Gimme a pink one.
Who is she, Kevin? Marsha Brady.
No, no! Nancy Sinatra.
There's someone for everyone, we're told.
But the search for that one person to ridebeside you in life is serious business.
Especially when you're thirteen.
Paul? It's your turn.
It's a matter of trial, error and pure dumb luck.
And of course chemistry.
Do not try this at home.
Ah, chemistry.
Nothin' like it.
Proceed with you experiment.
Remember - observation is the key.
Uh-huh, there was lots to be learned by observing Susan Fisher.
Miss Fisher Will you please read from your laboratory manual? The following experiment is one involvin'sodium and chloride - the basic components of salt.
Susan spanned the entire periodic table of elements.
She was gorgeous, exotic And thanks to Donald Wallach, totally unavailable.
Still, something about the way that woman said Sodium chloride precipitate.
That set my blood boilin'.
Hey! Pay attention or you'll get burned.
Linda Sloan, on the other hand, was my, well lab partner.
I was paying attention.
Sure you were She was smart, funny And comfortable.
Mix your precipitates, and stand back.
Think we're ready for this? As we'll ever be No question about it - Linda was really, really A great guy.
Here it goes! Maybe next time.
Sure.
But in chemistry, as in life The realities are clear.
Some combinations make sparks Some don't.
With one small footnote.
Never get involved, Kev.
What's the matter, Paul? Carla problems? She wants me to take her miniature golfing! So? So? I just took her miniature golfing.
The woman is killing me! I mean, she has me on a leash! Uh-huh.
You had to take Paul's belly-aching witha grain of salt the guy was really happy only when he was hen-pecked.
Women! Well, Paul, if you're so miserable,why don't you just break up with her? I should.
You know, I really should.
But then who am I gonna take to the dance Friday night? I mean, I can't go alone Nobody goes alone.
Well, almost nobody.
So who are you goin' with? Oh, I I'm not sure yet.
Oh, I get it.
You're plannin' your move, huh checkin' out the field Yeah! Right.
Actually, I'd resigned myself tospending the evening watching CraigHobson drop dead flies in the punchbowl.
I know why don't you ask her? Susan Fisher? Are you nuts? Why not? She's available.
Paul, she happens to be joined at the hip to Donald Wallach! Man, you gotta put yourself in the loop! Donald and Susan broke up.
Carla heard it from Melissa Bemil yesterday at lunch.
Go ahead, ask her.
No I couldn't.
Come on, take a chance.
You only live once.
It was powerful logic.
Assuming, of course That Paul, Carla, and Melissa Bemil were right.
There was only one sure way to find out.
I'd just gather my courage, walk right up to her, and Eavesdrop.
I swear Donald can be so stuck-up sometimes.
I told him so, too.
Good - rumor confirmed.
Now all I had to do was have her notice old unstuck-up Kevin Arnold.
Well, I gotta get going, now.
See y'all later.
Bye.
Or, I could just lie here until school was over,and ask the janitor to let me out.
Nice move overall, but your back was slightly arched on the dismount.
I'll give it a "nine.
" The chair broke, OK? They'll do that on ya.
I don't think she saw you, anyway.
Who? Susan Fisher! What makes you think I'd care if Susan Fisher saw me? Oh, I don't know - a wild guess.
Boy, when it comes to women You don't know anything, do you? What do you mean by that? I mean you're technique is off.
But don't worry - it's correctable.
You just need a little advice.
Hnnh - me? Are you kidding? Why would I need advice? Sorry - you're right.
What was I thinking of? Seeya, Mr.
Smooth.
So, what's your advice? You want to ask Susan Fisher to the dance, don't you? Well I Come on, don't kid a kidder - women know these things.
You want to ask Susan, but you don't know what to say Well And you're afraid you gonna makea fool of yourself.
Correct? Kinda "Kinda"? This girl was reading my mind like a phone-book.
So, how should I do it? Let's see how about something like "Hi, Susan, I was wondering if you'd like to go to the dance with me?" Really? Works for me! Just be casual.
Don't look anxious or nervous.
Be yourself.
You think she'll say "yes"? That depends whether or not she wants to go to the dance with you.
I'm serious! Well, why not? You're a cute guy.
But don't let it go to your head.
Look - there's only one way to find out.
Just march right up and ask her.
Sounded simple enough.
Just march right up and ask her.
As soon as I had the nerve.
Carla's mad at me.
Again? I forgot our three-month anniversary - she was expecting roses.
Oh, I'm sorry, Paul, but- She knows I'm allergic to flowers! I'm telling you, I'm seriously thinking about becoming a bachelor again.
I mean, look at you! No woman controls your life! Paul, I'll talk to you later, OK? What if the day comes when I don't feel like playing miniature golf? I'll seeya later! I couldn't worry about Paul.
Right now I had a rendevous with fate.
Susan! Hi.
Hi Kevin.
Kevin! Kevin.
Whew! How are you? I'm fine, thank you.
How are you? Alright! Now devastate her with your wit.
So could you believe Cantwell today? He's quite the character.
Yeah.
Good, good.
Now Linda said just be myself.
So, a little hesitation for just the right effect, and - So, uh, I was wondering, if you, wanted to go, uh Susan.
Susan - we have to talk.
Donald! I was talking to Kevin Unbelievable.
I'd blown a golden opportunity - and whose fault was it? Mine? I just shouldn't have asked her in the first place.
Seems to me you didn't ask her at all.
Seems to me you chickened out.
I didn't chicken out! Just that I think she's back together with Donald, that's all.
Oh Look, it's no big deal anyway I'm just not going to the dance.
Hey! Want to hear a stupid idea? What? Aw, nah, forget it - it's really stupid.
Come on, what? Well, I was just thinking since you're not going to the dance, and I'm not going to the dance why don't we go together? Together? Yeah.
As friends.
As friends? Why not? It might be fun.
She did have a point.
Another Friday nightsharing the couch with Wayne and Delores wasn't exactly enticing.
Well, why not? Great! Sure Why shouldn't two friendsgo to a dance together? And to think I'd almost humiliated myself by asking - Kevin? Where did you run off to? I, uh I thought you were gonna ask me somethin'.
I was? Somethin' about science class? Oh that.
Um, just OK, now - keep calm! Say something brilliant! What's the atomic weight of barium? Ah hah! I'm sure I don't know Oh.
Then, I'll just.
.
look it up.
Are you goin' to the dance on Friday? Yeah.
I mean I-I think so.
I hope so.
Hmmm? Maybe you'll save me a dance, then.
OK? Was she joking - save her a dance? I'd save every tango, every twist Every polka, every frug in the book! And suddenly my life was complete! This was bliss - no - more than bliss.
This was Susan Fisher and me! And, of course, Linda.
The strain is killing me! Don't give up now.
It's only two.
No, I mean this whole thing with Carla.
Well, did you get her the roses? It cost me eight dollars and sixty-seven cents.
Not to mention this rash on my arm.
It's a lucky thing she didn't ask for carnations.
Carnations give me shingles.
It's getting too complicated, Kev.
Maybe I should break up with her.
- Paul - Maybe I'll go to the dance with you.
I, uh I can't.
You're going with Susan Fisher?! Not exactly but, she did ask me to save her a dance.
Alright! Except, I my date is Linda Sloan.
You dog! Huh? Babes crawling all over you - what a life.
Paul, it's not that great, OK? Yeah.
Right! Paul, really! What am I gonna do - I can't be with two girls at one dance! In that case, there's only one solution.
You gotta ditch one of 'em.
Hey! It's the only honorable thing to do.
Honorable, sure But I wasn't just gonna ditch Linda.
I was thinking of a more gallant plan of action.
I was gonna weasel my way out of this.
So what time are you picking me up tomorrow night? Uh, Linda? Did we say we were definitely, definitely, going together? I thought so.
Why? Uh, nothing.
It's - I hope you're not trying to weasel your way out of this.
Cuz I already turned down Steve Padway.
Steve Padway asked you to the dance? After you and I decided to go.
I wasn't about to let you down.
Look, if you want I'll wear a sign thatsays "Kevin Arnold is just my friend".
OK? I'll pick you up at seven-thirty.
Great! OK.
So I'd failed as a weasel.
Linda was right I couldn't let a friend down.
I'll get it, Mom! Besides, it's not like I had to worryabout getting flowers to match her dress.
This was sorta like going to the dance with Paul.
Hi! Only not at all.
Hi Would you like to come in for a second? Sure! You sail? Yeah, my family goes every summer.
I was in a competition last year.
You never told me that! Here, I got something for you.
It was either this or one of those plastic lizards.
The amazing thing is, even with thepretty dress and all the make-up And even though she was pinning a flower on my lapel And even though her hair smelledlike new-mown hay in a tropicalgarden on the first day of spring There! She was still the same old Linda.
My buddy.
My pal.
Hey guys! Where have you been? Paul, where's Carla? History.
I broke up with her - I'm a free man! What?! But you guys were so good together.
Hey, there's other fish in the sea Boy, this is gonna be great! The babes the music.
I gotta got out there and sow my wild oats! Wild oats? It's just an expression.
He's fooling himself.
He's not gonna be happy.
He'll miss her.
Linda? Hi, Steve.
Padway, what do you want? Uh, would you like to dance with me? Well, if you don't mind, Kevin.
Of course I could have said "no" - technically, I mean.
Still Hey you don't need my permission.
I'd love to, Steve.
Great! Thanks alot! He's crazy about you.
It's obvious! Yeah, right! Now what am I supposed to do? Just be yourself - works for me.
It was strange.
Watching Linda dancewith Steve Padway, I felt almost Well, I mean, she was funny.
And smart.
And comfortable.
- And she - Kevin? Hi Humunuh-humunuh-humunuh.
Ready for our dance? Was Rhett Butler ready for Scarlett O'Hara? Was Anthony ready for Cleopatra? And as we stepped out onto that dance-floor,I was prepared to take my place among theworld's greatest romances.
No more admiring Susan from the distance.
She was here, in my arms.
The perfect woman the perfect song.
The perfect moment.
Cheers.
To us.
I wanted to enjoy this moment forever.
Kevin Arnold, with Susan Fisher.
Kevin Arnold, with the girl of his dreams.
Kevin Arnold with Absolutely nothing to talk about.
Would you hold this a minute? I'll be right back.
No sweat.
Where'd you disappear to? Linda Hi.
How was your dance with Steve? It was OK.
- For me? - No - this is Susan's! Oh.
Maybe I didn't say that in exactly the right way.
She's gonna be right back.
I mean, she already drank out of it But there's more! At that moment I guess I felt likecrawling into that punch bowl andpulling the ice-cubes over my head.
But I knew I couldn't.
She's not so great, you know.
Linda, I - Don't say it.
I understand.
So, uh You don't mind if I go find Steve Padway, do you? I don't mind.
I'll seeya in science class.
It was the first heart I'd ever broken.
And in a way, my own heart was aching a little, too.
It didn't seem fair.
I really liked Linda, but the fact was I just didn't feel about her the way Susan Fisher felt about Donald Wallach.
Maybe she'd just been toying with me, or maybe she used me to get back with Donald.
In any event, it was pretty clear Paul wasn't the only one who had been fooling himself.
This dance is for Paul From Carla All our young lives we search for someone to love.
Someone who makes us complete.
We choose partners, and change partners.
We dance to a song of heartbreak, and hope.
All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect who might be searching for us ÇϺñ ÀÚ¸· µ¿È£È¸ °¨»çÇÕÏÙÙ.
iamy1004