Those Who Can't (2016) s03e11 Episode Script
Big Ol' Scams
1 So I was like, "Okay.
Let's go to the mountains.
" And he goes to, like, Georgetown.
He's like, "Get the fuck out.
" I'm sorry.
I just lost my wife.
[CRYING.]
Jesus, this is hard to watch.
So then don't watch! Nobody asked you to sit with me! - Okay.
- No, don't go, don't go.
Just stick around for a little bit.
I'm pretty sure it's illegal to cry and eat ice cream at the same time.
Lucky for you, my wire's not on.
It's just that [SNIFFLES.]
Jade and I are supposed to be on our honeymoon right now at a Flip-Flop Resort on Hispaniola.
- Which side? - Haiti.
We booked the Wyclef Jean suite.
One time.
Cheer up.
I think that you dodged a bullet.
Yeah, marriage is a lot like being held captive in a basement, anyway.
You just say that 'cause you actually live in a basement.
Figuratively, too.
I mean, when my marriage fell apart - Oh, my God! - Abbey! Ease on the arriage-may stuff.
He's sad.
A little soon, don't you think? You're the one that brought it up.
Do something, Shoemaker.
I'm in existential pain.
You know what, Abbey? Would you be a dear and go get our friend here a cup of coffee? Deer can't carry coffee.
[LAUGHS.]
[SCOFFS.]
Almond milk, organic sugar.
Yeah, one or two? Mm, two ought to do it.
All right, you guys.
I've got actual things to do.
You can have your sausage funeral by yourself.
And get me two muffins.
Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through Do you think you'll be giving the gifts back to the Shoemaker, I can't think about that right now! So selfish! Foreman Grills aren't cheap.
[CRYING.]
Hey, everybody.
Uh, just a general reminder that the vocational career fair that I put together for Smoot's grossly underserved low-performance students starts today.
Quick little pro tip Just funnel those kids straight to the Armed Services recruiters.
Hey, these kids still have career options, you know.
Oh, yeah.
Mnh! Mnh! Mnh! Mnh! Like truck drivers.
[SIGHS.]
I hope there's a carousel at this fair.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's a career fair, you moron.
- Career fair? - Getting dumber every day.
Never thought about going pro.
[CHUCKLES.]
I mean, I am pretty good.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
This is just what you need.
Nothing will make you feel like less of a failure than Jet Skiing across Lake Loser! I feel like I'm lying in a bag of cinder blocks at the bottom of that lake.
- Ugh.
Again with the sad stuff.
- I don't want to be here.
Look, look, over here.
- Dental hygiene.
- Ohh.
Kids, this is a great job.
It's got all the glitz and glamour of being a maid except with your hands in a stranger's mouth.
[LAUGHS.]
You couldn't do it.
Come on.
Try to have fun.
Look, look.
How about this one, okay? Look at that.
Department of Corrections.
[CHUCKLES.]
This job is perfect for those of you too racist to be cops.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, oh.
All right, easy there, Ponch.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's pretty good.
This stinks.
When's the college fair? College fair was three weeks ago, Jack.
If you were college-bound, you would've heard about it.
Probably why he should hightail it over to the old HVAC booth, huh? Think somebody's got a long career of showing his ass crack to housewives.
Oh, you're doing it, Peter.
There you are! - Come on.
- Bangarang, Lost Boy! Come on.
You try your own.
Come on.
Try one on your own.
All right.
Social work very nice.
Uh, oh, I got it.
Why don't you show me on the doll where you failed the bar exam? - Oh-ho-ho-ho! - Oh-ho-ho-ho! - Boom! There he is! - Dude, that actually felt really good.
- Fan the flames, man.
- [SIGHS.]
I just wish we had these losers around all the time, you know? Look! Free stuff! All the free stuff you can carry! I got a new smaller mustache brush.
Mm? [CHUCKLES.]
Holy Peanut Buster Parfaits.
Dairy Queen is here? I'm gonna go try to get her autograph.
ABBEY: Big Ol' Yams? - Hi.
- Oh, hi.
I-I think there's been some sort of confusion.
I'm supposed to be booth 36-D.
Oh, no, we're 36-D.
Maybe you're like a 32-B? Or A.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, yeah, okay.
That's funny.
Um, listen, woman to woman, I totally applaud you reclaiming your sexuality through franchising, but this is my librarian booth.
Sorry.
We've had this reserved for, like, three weeks.
Okay.
Um Steven? Hey! What is this? You promised me a librarian booth.
- Well, actually, you e-mailed me - Uh-huh.
And I didn't get a chance to reply no.
I'm sorry, Ms.
Logan.
Library science is a lot like the mortuary arts A dying profession.
[CHUCKLES.]
Get it? So the future is this skanky vegan "breastaurant"? Um, I mean, pro-fem empowerment Whatever.
You guys are gross.
[SCOFFS.]
I mean, who even likes this garbage? Wow.
This Tap That Grass is nummy-licious.
- Oh, thanks.
- Thank you! All right, you know what? I get your concern.
I, too, thought it was vulgar at first, - but the employee benefits are great.
- [SIGHS.]
I mean, the Big Ol' Health Plan, the Big Ol' 401 Double K's.
Okay.
You know what? I'm sorry.
I don't name these things.
I-I just think this is beneath Smoot.
Excuse me.
What free stuff do you have? Hey, babe, you want to try some veggie jelly? [CHUCKLES.]
I don't mind if I do.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SLURPING.]
Mnh! Mnh! - Oh.
Okay.
- Ugh! Oh, my God! [COUGHS, SPITS.]
Beneath Smoot, huh? [BREATHING DEEPLY.]
No.
I think it's right on par.
Ugh.
I do not think I was ready for that jelly.
That's the trash, right? Ugh! Everything is trash.
God Done.
So, do either of you live alone? I do.
What'd you have in mind? PG-13 pizza party? [CHUCKLES.]
No.
And, alas, we reach rock bottom real estate.
- Ugh! - Scum of the Earth.
Commodifying a basic human right.
You're worse than doctors.
How do you sleep at night? On 800 thread-count sheets.
How do you sleep? Fitfully, actually, in my son's old sleeping bag, right next to the furnace.
Come on, kids, let's go.
I've said too much.
Sounds like your friend sleeps in a basement.
Oh, was the furnace the giveaway, or does that teal blazer endow you with magical real-estate powers? Kind of like that flannel makes you seem rustic to the Dave & Buster's waitresses that you flirt with? How did you know tha Oh.
Okay.
Well, touché.
Solid assholery, sir.
You're a bit of an asshole yourself.
[CHUCKLES.]
You ever think about getting into real estate? Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know, I'd I'd love to, but, uh, the kids need me here.
- Oh, yeah.
- If I was ever to leave Smoot, it'd just be like Jonestown without me.
Yeah, I can see you're already at the top of your game.
Mm, yeah.
Nothing spells success quite like "public-school educator.
" Kids, will you just meet me at the, uh The Big Ol' Yams booth? Save me a piece of "Hide the Soy-lami.
" Shane Oswain, Realtor.
Loren Payton, real interested.
Over there, there's Uber.
[CHUCKLING.]
I would've got a job for them, but I don't have enough sex offenses on my record.
[LAUGHING.]
That's funny, right, Loren? Lore Loren? Loren? No! What are you doing? Real estate? That's the biggest scam there is! I couldn't agree more.
Oh.
No.
No, I stand corrected.
Triametrics.
"Ask us (almost) anything.
" All right, I've got a question What's a pyramid scheme masquerading as a religion doing at a career fair? [CHUCKLES.]
We are not a religion.
We offer careers in advancing mankind through holistic geometry.
Oh, wow! That's super cool.
I haven't heard a bigger load of crap since my real-estate agent told me that my basement was radon-free, the joke being that my basement is not radon-free.
It's too bad you're such a narrow mind.
Whatever.
Or you could live at Quazar Ranch for free.
Whoa.
What'd you just say? - Free, huh? - Mm-hmm.
Here? Kids, uh, why don't you go over to the Big Ol' Yams booth? And go easy on the Camel Tofu.
That stuff is not good for you.
The Ranch allows our ambassadors to live without the worry of money.
It's a worker's paradise, if you will.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, I will! [LAUGHS.]
Zandra.
[LAUGHS.]
Where do I sign? On the signature line.
Oh.
That checks out.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
LOREN: Ohh.
No tub in this place, all right? - So what did you say? - I said, "Half bath? I'll let you know when I need to take a half dump.
" [BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, my God! Shane, your anecdotes alone, bro killing me.
- So, get this.
- Yeah.
I'm the exclusive listing agent for some new lux condos in SuTo.
Lux condos in Sucktown? Yeah, no, I don't think that's going No, not Sucktown SuTo.
We're rebranding it.
Real estate's all about spin.
Take a house that's next to train tracks.
- Yeah.
- It's not next to train tracks.
It's "convenient to transit.
" Ah, okay.
So, like, "mid-century modern" instead of "asbestos vault.
" Dude, you're a natural.
Why don't you take the Realtor exam, join my team? I don't know.
The Gables at SuTo is only in Phase One.
There's a ton of potential sales.
If I join, do I get one of these sick teal blazers? Or coral.
Your choice, bro.
- No, teal, all the way.
- That's my team.
- You know what? Try it on.
- Really? Want to see what you look like in this bad boy.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
Dude, you look better in that than I do.
- Right? - I'm gonna take some pictures.
Cool? Hell, yeah.
I can see the bus ad right now.
Boom.
Oh, my God.
Where do I sign? - On the signature line.
- Oh.
Yeah.
That tracks.
There we go.
Hey.
$2,400.
[CHUCKLES.]
Congratulations.
You're now a Phase One Triangle Ambassador.
Cool! When can I move in? Mondays are good for me You can move in as soon as you reach Phase Two.
But that was my entire life savings.
Oh.
Ambassador Billy, you don't have to pay to enter Phase Two.
You simply have to recruit five new people willing to pay for Phase One.
Five people? W-W-Where am I gonna find five peo Can they be stupid? We accept anyone.
Insulated walls, here I come.
Fairbell! It's about building community is what it is.
Yeah, yeah, and sharing resources, like water and childcare.
And they're not even finished yet.
It's just Phase One.
I can't wait for Phase Two.
- Oh, my God.
Phase Two? - Off the chain.
Nothing but hot tubs and built-in wine fridges, bro.
Oh, that's what I'm talking about.
Look at us, making smart choices.
Dude, totally.
- Mmm.
- Mm.
So, which model of the Ascension Pod - are you gonna go for? - Ascension Pod? I'm talking about The Gables at SuTo.
What the hell are you talking about? - What? - Gables at SuTo? No, no, we're talking about Triametrics.
Loren, real estate is a scam.
- Excuse me.
- You're excused.
No, Triametrics is a scam.
Real estate is a slam dunk every time.
I knew he wouldn't sign up.
- Typical NM.
- I'm not an NM.
Narrow mind.
I am not narrow-minded.
Yeah, you are.
Triametrics is not a scam.
I mean, just look at their tenets for living, okay? Number 1, eat healthy.
That's common sense.
Number 2, get 10 hours of sleep.
- Okay? - That's a lot.
Number 3, exercise.
Oh, that's scary.
Okay? And I think there's a fourth one.
I don't really remember what it is.
Trans-morphosize and ascend into the rocket yacht.
- Okay.
There it is.
- How could you forget that one? - That's the best part.
- Okay, listen.
And there's the bullshit.
No.
The The rocket yacht is a metaphor for spiritual It's a spaceship we're going to literally live on forever.
Okay.
Fairbell, I'm trying to keep this into the realm of science, so if you could stop talking about the rocket yacht Guys, I hate to tell you this, but Abbey, I've got this.
You fell for a pyramid scheme.
Congratulations.
You both fell for a pyramid scheme.
I was gonna say it was a pyramid scheme.
It's not a pyramid scheme.
It's a flow chart.
There's literally a pyramid on it.
Okay.
You know what, Fairbell? We don't have to sit here and explain ourselves to people too NM to understand.
Oh, my God.
Well, we've got some uniforms to pick up.
Yeah.
Uh, you mean Astral Ambassador Garments.
I swear to God, if you use the word "astral" one more time, I'm gonna stick it up your astral.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Ugh! Gross, Abbey.
Do not get me sick.
I have a shit-ton of real estate regs to learn in the next three days.
Well, if you would listen to me for once, I was gonna ask you if you wanted to study together.
'Cause I might be doing something really exciting Unless you might be pre-approved for a condo in the high 400s, I have zero use for you, okay? You know what, Loren? I was trying to I don't mean to, uh, butt in, but, uh, Loren, I think it's great that you found your calling at the career fair.
And as it happens, real estate is a bit of a passion of mine.
I could help you study.
Sweens! Comin' off the bench.
That would be awesome.
Steven, I was actually Ms.
Logan, we're having a conversation.
We're talking.
We're talking.
The grown-ups are talking.
You know what? This answers my question.
You guys are dicks.
I am so sorry about her, Sweens.
Already forgotten.
- My office later? - [SCOFFS.]
Totally.
Thank you, Sweeney.
Very cool.
No problem.
Anything to help you get away from here.
I'm sorry.
Did I miss the last part of that sentence? Nope.
Just thinking about real estate.
Real estate.
Yes! Triametrics.
Think of it as the answer key to life for just pennies a day.
A few thousand pennies a day Oh, oh, oh! Got 5 seconds to save your eternal energy shell? I have an Ascension Pod with your name on it! [WHISPERING.]
What is that guy's name? [WATCH BEEPS.]
Oh.
It's time for our ring re-charge.
Come on.
It's important.
Vrmmmm! Ugh! This is never gonna work! We're not gonna get to Phase Two like this.
Unless we go straight to the top.
The roof.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, Quinn! He has the power to recruit the faculty - from the top down.
- Ooh.
That's what the three-sided square system is about.
[CHUCKLES.]
Fact.
Sweens, you ready to do this thing? - Ah, Loren.
- Yeah.
I just brewed some Chamomile Rage.
It's got taurine and guarana.
It's the perfect thing for an intense study session! Wow.
It sounds pretty baller.
Thank you, Sweeney.
Ho ho! Mama Miata.
That's got a kick.
But it's also very relaxing.
- Hmm? - So you ready to ace this test? [SCOFFS.]
You tell me, dawg.
Hmm? Yeah, I had them overnighted from China.
- Pretty swish, right? - [WHIRRING.]
Mm.
Mm.
Wow.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, yeah, that is pretty swish.
But have you done anything else to prepare? Outside from the pencils? No, nothing.
Then we got a lot of work to do.
Says here, "Discriminate against the poor.
" - No.
- No? No, no, no, no, no.
This is really good.
Tell your friends where you got it.
- You ready? - I'm ready.
Green Monster.
- Yoga teacher's house? - No! - Do it again, do it again! - Just do it again.
Bl-bl-bl-bl! This tea is magic! [INHALES SHARPLY.]
God, yes! But it's not sticking - Hey! - Get it together! Oh, man, let's sell some homes.
Set, go! Buyer agents represent the buyer.
Seller agents rock the blazer.
That is not right.
Colorado inspection code requires balls.
Big ones.
I'm gonna have to give you an F.
I'm sorry.
- Tudor.
- Yes! - Spanish.
- Yes! - Yes? - Yes! Yes! Yes! Did it! Yeah.
Once again, hammering "sold" signs and dressing like a Realtor isn't on the test, - but nice work.
- Thanks, man.
And I can't believe that tomorrow's your last day at Smoot, ever.
It is, isn't it? Man, I'm not looking forward to telling Quinn.
Oh, don't worry about that.
I mean, everybody's really thrilled that you're doing this.
Really, really, really thrilled.
N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! Is this about the wedding? They say, after a traumatic event, you shouldn't make any big life decisions for like six to eight years.
This has nothing to do with the wedding.
God, I regret ever buying her for you.
Well, I am gonna be sick.
Quinn, sign the form, man.
No! I will not assist you in making the biggest mistake of our lives! The biggest mistake of my life was not becoming a Realtor sooner.
- I'm out of here! - Loren Payton And let me know when I can show you an elevator-adjacent garden-level studio.
It'd be perfect for you! [CRYING.]
I look forward to it! [BLOWS NOSE.]
Hey, Quinn.
I know this is hard to hear, but I need you to I've lost him.
He's gone.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
He's gone.
Okay.
[SNIFFLES DEEPLY.]
[HIGH-PITCHED WAILING.]
Principal Quinn, Medicine Woman! Hey, hey, hey! Listen, whole school's buzzing about how sad you are about Loren leaving, which is why we thought maybe you could use a pick-me-up.
Literally to space! Okay.
I told you to stop talking about - It's the best part.
- Get out of my way! Ohh! See? You chased him off with all that space babble! It's not my fault the faculty here is so old and brainlocked.
Oh, my God.
That's it.
We need to get at the younger minds.
[GASPS.]
We get a van.
We pass out candy at a playground.
- Everyone likes candy.
- No, gross.
- I got an idea.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Right there with you.
Head start on tonight's ring re-charge.
- Power up! - Yeah, yeah, sure [GASPS.]
Oh, my God, Fairbell, is your ring different than mine? Is it? Don't think so.
'Cause it looks a lot different.
That looks [RING CLATTERS.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
I can't thank you guys enough for coming here.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
Hey, Abbey, do you want to leave something behind for my time "cap-syo-ul"? You have a Smoot time capsule? Yeah, it could be anything A book, a CD, some of your favorite bathroom trash.
- Dan, gross.
- Ohh.
Clear out the religion section, Abbey.
I got something you can really believe in.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God.
A going-away party.
You guys [CHUCKLES.]
"Goodbye Abbey.
" Mm-hmm.
That is so thoughtful of you.
You spell "Abbey" with an "e.
" Huh.
Oh, and a novelty card.
These are fun.
Thank you.
Well, listen, I didn't prepare any words 'cause I didn't know you guys were gonna throw me a going-away party.
Oh, actually, the party is for me No, it's okay.
It's okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
From the bottom of my heart, mortgage rates are at an all-time low, so if anyone is even - Really?! A party?! - [SCOFFS.]
Yeah, Quinn.
We're losing our coolest teacher, and you think that that's a cause for celebration?! Unbelievable! You, sir, will be going nowhere! [GRUNTS.]
That is my That is my - Abbey, I've got this.
- Why won't that rip?! You've got some nerve, Quinn.
The entire faculty got together to show me off the right way 'cause they're happy for me, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you take that away from them, monster.
- Monster? - That's right.
The only thing I have ever been accused of - is caring - [SCOFFS.]
And indecent exposure and soliciting a prostitute, although, ultimately, I was acquitted of both.
But caring! Premeditated, first-degree capital caring With aggravated concern? Well, guilty as charged, Your Honor! The defense rests! Cake! That's cake.
Yeah, that's my cake.
You never cared about me, Quinn.
But Steven did.
Steven, come here, please.
Come on.
Please.
You know, this whole time, I, like you, thought Steven was this huge turd.
You know, this huge, weird, misshapen turd that's pretty concerning.
So you call the doctor, and he's like, "You're right.
You need to change everything.
" And you think, "My God.
Had it not been for this gross, oddly painful turd, I'd still be making the same mistakes I made my entire life.
" That's Steven.
So, thank you, Sweeney.
You beautiful turd.
And, Quinn, if you need me, I'll be slam-dunking that Realtor exam.
Enjoy the party that Quinn ruined.
And, Abbey, feel free to help yourself to a non-corner piece of cake.
Oh, that's so generous, so thoughtful.
Thank you.
Sayonara, SuTo! This is all your fault.
Your career-fair carnival of horrors is destroying Smoot! [FOOTSTEPS.]
Well, that was a great party.
Up until the lengthy turd talk.
Yeah.
It was perfect.
- Abbey! - Abbey! Hi.
Clear off the religion section, 'cause I want you to think about space.
Dude, I already told you, if you talk about space one more time, you are gonna get your face punched in.
- What about space for books? - I said that.
- You know what? - Shelf space.
You guys should totally put your books here.
Let me clear off some shelf space for you.
That enough room for you?! Enjoy your sausage cult.
Oh, my God.
Abbey said yes! [BOTH LAUGH.]
Let's go tell Zandra about our new Libratorium.
Quazar Ranch, here I come! Permission to come aboard the rocket yacht.
Yes! Mm.
Well, I would be remiss not to broach a few qualms I have with some of the nutritional claims in your herbivore fare.
Oh, okay.
Well, if you'd like Aaah! Are you okay, sweetie? Yeah, I'm cool.
I just I didn't think you were gonna talk back to me, so, you know See ya! Yeah.
- Oh.
Bye.
- Bye.
Wait till Zandra hear's about this.
I bet Tampa and I get a master bedroom.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Where'd the Triametrics booth go? - Oh.
- Oh.
They took off.
Took off? [CHUCKLES.]
The lady said something about her ship coming in after she fleeced a couple of grade-A whales yesterday.
Yes! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
We got scammed.
I gave her my entire life savings.
Aren't you listening? Zandra has ascended with whales! [LAUGHS.]
You really should be wearing your astral garments this close to Ascension Day.
For the last time We got scammed, you brainwashed dipshit.
I refuse to listen to this horse-sorcery.
You mean "heresy.
" No, I mean horse-sorcery.
Did you even read the books? What are you two doing here? I thought you joined that cult.
I mean, lifestyle opportunity.
Well, if you must know, Sweens, it turned out to be a scam.
They took all my money.
Well, you know what? I can live with two out of four gone.
LOREN: Okay.
Oh! So, bullet points Handed out my sweet pencils at the real-estate exam.
Huge hit.
Duh.
Unfortunately, they were made with Chinese lead, and everybody got super sick from chewing on them.
And it turns out lead's no good on TronScan machines, either, as it ruined every single exam.
So I'm back.
Well, you can take the test again, though, can't you? Oh, no, no.
God, no.
I'm banned for life.
The prodigal son has returned! [LAUGHS.]
Okay, Quinn.
And I forgive you! [LAUGHS.]
No, honestly, I feel like I owe you an apology.
Shh! You don't owe me anything.
Really? So you don't want the deposit back for your condo? 'Cause your mortgage pre-approval was very much denied.
I just want you back here at Smoot.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, that's exactly what you've got.
You know what? One out of four ain't bad.
If you're gonna quote Meat Loaf, get it right.
It's, "Two out of three ain't bad.
" I was talking about your little foursome! - Abbey quit! - What? She was standing right next to me at my going-away party.
God, you think she would've said something.
She didn't even say a word.
[CHUCKLES.]
Classic Abbey.
- What a weirdo.
- Well, she can't do that.
She has to get approved before she can leave.
I have to sign off on A-h-h-h-h-h [AIR BRAKES HISS.]
[GASPING.]
[ENGINE RUMBLING.]
[BREATHES SHARPLY.]
[MACHINERY WHIRRING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[GASPS.]
It's time for me to ascend! [CHUCKLES.]
I'm coming! [ENGINE RUMBLING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Who's the brainwashed dipshit now? Oh, my God! It's finally happening! Next stop, the rocket yacht.
[CHUCKLES.]
Aah! Ow! [CLATTERING.]
Ohh! Ooh!
Let's go to the mountains.
" And he goes to, like, Georgetown.
He's like, "Get the fuck out.
" I'm sorry.
I just lost my wife.
[CRYING.]
Jesus, this is hard to watch.
So then don't watch! Nobody asked you to sit with me! - Okay.
- No, don't go, don't go.
Just stick around for a little bit.
I'm pretty sure it's illegal to cry and eat ice cream at the same time.
Lucky for you, my wire's not on.
It's just that [SNIFFLES.]
Jade and I are supposed to be on our honeymoon right now at a Flip-Flop Resort on Hispaniola.
- Which side? - Haiti.
We booked the Wyclef Jean suite.
One time.
Cheer up.
I think that you dodged a bullet.
Yeah, marriage is a lot like being held captive in a basement, anyway.
You just say that 'cause you actually live in a basement.
Figuratively, too.
I mean, when my marriage fell apart - Oh, my God! - Abbey! Ease on the arriage-may stuff.
He's sad.
A little soon, don't you think? You're the one that brought it up.
Do something, Shoemaker.
I'm in existential pain.
You know what, Abbey? Would you be a dear and go get our friend here a cup of coffee? Deer can't carry coffee.
[LAUGHS.]
[SCOFFS.]
Almond milk, organic sugar.
Yeah, one or two? Mm, two ought to do it.
All right, you guys.
I've got actual things to do.
You can have your sausage funeral by yourself.
And get me two muffins.
Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through Do you think you'll be giving the gifts back to the Shoemaker, I can't think about that right now! So selfish! Foreman Grills aren't cheap.
[CRYING.]
Hey, everybody.
Uh, just a general reminder that the vocational career fair that I put together for Smoot's grossly underserved low-performance students starts today.
Quick little pro tip Just funnel those kids straight to the Armed Services recruiters.
Hey, these kids still have career options, you know.
Oh, yeah.
Mnh! Mnh! Mnh! Mnh! Like truck drivers.
[SIGHS.]
I hope there's a carousel at this fair.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's a career fair, you moron.
- Career fair? - Getting dumber every day.
Never thought about going pro.
[CHUCKLES.]
I mean, I am pretty good.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
This is just what you need.
Nothing will make you feel like less of a failure than Jet Skiing across Lake Loser! I feel like I'm lying in a bag of cinder blocks at the bottom of that lake.
- Ugh.
Again with the sad stuff.
- I don't want to be here.
Look, look, over here.
- Dental hygiene.
- Ohh.
Kids, this is a great job.
It's got all the glitz and glamour of being a maid except with your hands in a stranger's mouth.
[LAUGHS.]
You couldn't do it.
Come on.
Try to have fun.
Look, look.
How about this one, okay? Look at that.
Department of Corrections.
[CHUCKLES.]
This job is perfect for those of you too racist to be cops.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, oh.
All right, easy there, Ponch.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's pretty good.
This stinks.
When's the college fair? College fair was three weeks ago, Jack.
If you were college-bound, you would've heard about it.
Probably why he should hightail it over to the old HVAC booth, huh? Think somebody's got a long career of showing his ass crack to housewives.
Oh, you're doing it, Peter.
There you are! - Come on.
- Bangarang, Lost Boy! Come on.
You try your own.
Come on.
Try one on your own.
All right.
Social work very nice.
Uh, oh, I got it.
Why don't you show me on the doll where you failed the bar exam? - Oh-ho-ho-ho! - Oh-ho-ho-ho! - Boom! There he is! - Dude, that actually felt really good.
- Fan the flames, man.
- [SIGHS.]
I just wish we had these losers around all the time, you know? Look! Free stuff! All the free stuff you can carry! I got a new smaller mustache brush.
Mm? [CHUCKLES.]
Holy Peanut Buster Parfaits.
Dairy Queen is here? I'm gonna go try to get her autograph.
ABBEY: Big Ol' Yams? - Hi.
- Oh, hi.
I-I think there's been some sort of confusion.
I'm supposed to be booth 36-D.
Oh, no, we're 36-D.
Maybe you're like a 32-B? Or A.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, yeah, okay.
That's funny.
Um, listen, woman to woman, I totally applaud you reclaiming your sexuality through franchising, but this is my librarian booth.
Sorry.
We've had this reserved for, like, three weeks.
Okay.
Um Steven? Hey! What is this? You promised me a librarian booth.
- Well, actually, you e-mailed me - Uh-huh.
And I didn't get a chance to reply no.
I'm sorry, Ms.
Logan.
Library science is a lot like the mortuary arts A dying profession.
[CHUCKLES.]
Get it? So the future is this skanky vegan "breastaurant"? Um, I mean, pro-fem empowerment Whatever.
You guys are gross.
[SCOFFS.]
I mean, who even likes this garbage? Wow.
This Tap That Grass is nummy-licious.
- Oh, thanks.
- Thank you! All right, you know what? I get your concern.
I, too, thought it was vulgar at first, - but the employee benefits are great.
- [SIGHS.]
I mean, the Big Ol' Health Plan, the Big Ol' 401 Double K's.
Okay.
You know what? I'm sorry.
I don't name these things.
I-I just think this is beneath Smoot.
Excuse me.
What free stuff do you have? Hey, babe, you want to try some veggie jelly? [CHUCKLES.]
I don't mind if I do.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SLURPING.]
Mnh! Mnh! - Oh.
Okay.
- Ugh! Oh, my God! [COUGHS, SPITS.]
Beneath Smoot, huh? [BREATHING DEEPLY.]
No.
I think it's right on par.
Ugh.
I do not think I was ready for that jelly.
That's the trash, right? Ugh! Everything is trash.
God Done.
So, do either of you live alone? I do.
What'd you have in mind? PG-13 pizza party? [CHUCKLES.]
No.
And, alas, we reach rock bottom real estate.
- Ugh! - Scum of the Earth.
Commodifying a basic human right.
You're worse than doctors.
How do you sleep at night? On 800 thread-count sheets.
How do you sleep? Fitfully, actually, in my son's old sleeping bag, right next to the furnace.
Come on, kids, let's go.
I've said too much.
Sounds like your friend sleeps in a basement.
Oh, was the furnace the giveaway, or does that teal blazer endow you with magical real-estate powers? Kind of like that flannel makes you seem rustic to the Dave & Buster's waitresses that you flirt with? How did you know tha Oh.
Okay.
Well, touché.
Solid assholery, sir.
You're a bit of an asshole yourself.
[CHUCKLES.]
You ever think about getting into real estate? Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know, I'd I'd love to, but, uh, the kids need me here.
- Oh, yeah.
- If I was ever to leave Smoot, it'd just be like Jonestown without me.
Yeah, I can see you're already at the top of your game.
Mm, yeah.
Nothing spells success quite like "public-school educator.
" Kids, will you just meet me at the, uh The Big Ol' Yams booth? Save me a piece of "Hide the Soy-lami.
" Shane Oswain, Realtor.
Loren Payton, real interested.
Over there, there's Uber.
[CHUCKLING.]
I would've got a job for them, but I don't have enough sex offenses on my record.
[LAUGHING.]
That's funny, right, Loren? Lore Loren? Loren? No! What are you doing? Real estate? That's the biggest scam there is! I couldn't agree more.
Oh.
No.
No, I stand corrected.
Triametrics.
"Ask us (almost) anything.
" All right, I've got a question What's a pyramid scheme masquerading as a religion doing at a career fair? [CHUCKLES.]
We are not a religion.
We offer careers in advancing mankind through holistic geometry.
Oh, wow! That's super cool.
I haven't heard a bigger load of crap since my real-estate agent told me that my basement was radon-free, the joke being that my basement is not radon-free.
It's too bad you're such a narrow mind.
Whatever.
Or you could live at Quazar Ranch for free.
Whoa.
What'd you just say? - Free, huh? - Mm-hmm.
Here? Kids, uh, why don't you go over to the Big Ol' Yams booth? And go easy on the Camel Tofu.
That stuff is not good for you.
The Ranch allows our ambassadors to live without the worry of money.
It's a worker's paradise, if you will.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, I will! [LAUGHS.]
Zandra.
[LAUGHS.]
Where do I sign? On the signature line.
Oh.
That checks out.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
LOREN: Ohh.
No tub in this place, all right? - So what did you say? - I said, "Half bath? I'll let you know when I need to take a half dump.
" [BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, my God! Shane, your anecdotes alone, bro killing me.
- So, get this.
- Yeah.
I'm the exclusive listing agent for some new lux condos in SuTo.
Lux condos in Sucktown? Yeah, no, I don't think that's going No, not Sucktown SuTo.
We're rebranding it.
Real estate's all about spin.
Take a house that's next to train tracks.
- Yeah.
- It's not next to train tracks.
It's "convenient to transit.
" Ah, okay.
So, like, "mid-century modern" instead of "asbestos vault.
" Dude, you're a natural.
Why don't you take the Realtor exam, join my team? I don't know.
The Gables at SuTo is only in Phase One.
There's a ton of potential sales.
If I join, do I get one of these sick teal blazers? Or coral.
Your choice, bro.
- No, teal, all the way.
- That's my team.
- You know what? Try it on.
- Really? Want to see what you look like in this bad boy.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
Dude, you look better in that than I do.
- Right? - I'm gonna take some pictures.
Cool? Hell, yeah.
I can see the bus ad right now.
Boom.
Oh, my God.
Where do I sign? - On the signature line.
- Oh.
Yeah.
That tracks.
There we go.
Hey.
$2,400.
[CHUCKLES.]
Congratulations.
You're now a Phase One Triangle Ambassador.
Cool! When can I move in? Mondays are good for me You can move in as soon as you reach Phase Two.
But that was my entire life savings.
Oh.
Ambassador Billy, you don't have to pay to enter Phase Two.
You simply have to recruit five new people willing to pay for Phase One.
Five people? W-W-Where am I gonna find five peo Can they be stupid? We accept anyone.
Insulated walls, here I come.
Fairbell! It's about building community is what it is.
Yeah, yeah, and sharing resources, like water and childcare.
And they're not even finished yet.
It's just Phase One.
I can't wait for Phase Two.
- Oh, my God.
Phase Two? - Off the chain.
Nothing but hot tubs and built-in wine fridges, bro.
Oh, that's what I'm talking about.
Look at us, making smart choices.
Dude, totally.
- Mmm.
- Mm.
So, which model of the Ascension Pod - are you gonna go for? - Ascension Pod? I'm talking about The Gables at SuTo.
What the hell are you talking about? - What? - Gables at SuTo? No, no, we're talking about Triametrics.
Loren, real estate is a scam.
- Excuse me.
- You're excused.
No, Triametrics is a scam.
Real estate is a slam dunk every time.
I knew he wouldn't sign up.
- Typical NM.
- I'm not an NM.
Narrow mind.
I am not narrow-minded.
Yeah, you are.
Triametrics is not a scam.
I mean, just look at their tenets for living, okay? Number 1, eat healthy.
That's common sense.
Number 2, get 10 hours of sleep.
- Okay? - That's a lot.
Number 3, exercise.
Oh, that's scary.
Okay? And I think there's a fourth one.
I don't really remember what it is.
Trans-morphosize and ascend into the rocket yacht.
- Okay.
There it is.
- How could you forget that one? - That's the best part.
- Okay, listen.
And there's the bullshit.
No.
The The rocket yacht is a metaphor for spiritual It's a spaceship we're going to literally live on forever.
Okay.
Fairbell, I'm trying to keep this into the realm of science, so if you could stop talking about the rocket yacht Guys, I hate to tell you this, but Abbey, I've got this.
You fell for a pyramid scheme.
Congratulations.
You both fell for a pyramid scheme.
I was gonna say it was a pyramid scheme.
It's not a pyramid scheme.
It's a flow chart.
There's literally a pyramid on it.
Okay.
You know what, Fairbell? We don't have to sit here and explain ourselves to people too NM to understand.
Oh, my God.
Well, we've got some uniforms to pick up.
Yeah.
Uh, you mean Astral Ambassador Garments.
I swear to God, if you use the word "astral" one more time, I'm gonna stick it up your astral.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Ugh! Gross, Abbey.
Do not get me sick.
I have a shit-ton of real estate regs to learn in the next three days.
Well, if you would listen to me for once, I was gonna ask you if you wanted to study together.
'Cause I might be doing something really exciting Unless you might be pre-approved for a condo in the high 400s, I have zero use for you, okay? You know what, Loren? I was trying to I don't mean to, uh, butt in, but, uh, Loren, I think it's great that you found your calling at the career fair.
And as it happens, real estate is a bit of a passion of mine.
I could help you study.
Sweens! Comin' off the bench.
That would be awesome.
Steven, I was actually Ms.
Logan, we're having a conversation.
We're talking.
We're talking.
The grown-ups are talking.
You know what? This answers my question.
You guys are dicks.
I am so sorry about her, Sweens.
Already forgotten.
- My office later? - [SCOFFS.]
Totally.
Thank you, Sweeney.
Very cool.
No problem.
Anything to help you get away from here.
I'm sorry.
Did I miss the last part of that sentence? Nope.
Just thinking about real estate.
Real estate.
Yes! Triametrics.
Think of it as the answer key to life for just pennies a day.
A few thousand pennies a day Oh, oh, oh! Got 5 seconds to save your eternal energy shell? I have an Ascension Pod with your name on it! [WHISPERING.]
What is that guy's name? [WATCH BEEPS.]
Oh.
It's time for our ring re-charge.
Come on.
It's important.
Vrmmmm! Ugh! This is never gonna work! We're not gonna get to Phase Two like this.
Unless we go straight to the top.
The roof.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, Quinn! He has the power to recruit the faculty - from the top down.
- Ooh.
That's what the three-sided square system is about.
[CHUCKLES.]
Fact.
Sweens, you ready to do this thing? - Ah, Loren.
- Yeah.
I just brewed some Chamomile Rage.
It's got taurine and guarana.
It's the perfect thing for an intense study session! Wow.
It sounds pretty baller.
Thank you, Sweeney.
Ho ho! Mama Miata.
That's got a kick.
But it's also very relaxing.
- Hmm? - So you ready to ace this test? [SCOFFS.]
You tell me, dawg.
Hmm? Yeah, I had them overnighted from China.
- Pretty swish, right? - [WHIRRING.]
Mm.
Mm.
Wow.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, yeah, that is pretty swish.
But have you done anything else to prepare? Outside from the pencils? No, nothing.
Then we got a lot of work to do.
Says here, "Discriminate against the poor.
" - No.
- No? No, no, no, no, no.
This is really good.
Tell your friends where you got it.
- You ready? - I'm ready.
Green Monster.
- Yoga teacher's house? - No! - Do it again, do it again! - Just do it again.
Bl-bl-bl-bl! This tea is magic! [INHALES SHARPLY.]
God, yes! But it's not sticking - Hey! - Get it together! Oh, man, let's sell some homes.
Set, go! Buyer agents represent the buyer.
Seller agents rock the blazer.
That is not right.
Colorado inspection code requires balls.
Big ones.
I'm gonna have to give you an F.
I'm sorry.
- Tudor.
- Yes! - Spanish.
- Yes! - Yes? - Yes! Yes! Yes! Did it! Yeah.
Once again, hammering "sold" signs and dressing like a Realtor isn't on the test, - but nice work.
- Thanks, man.
And I can't believe that tomorrow's your last day at Smoot, ever.
It is, isn't it? Man, I'm not looking forward to telling Quinn.
Oh, don't worry about that.
I mean, everybody's really thrilled that you're doing this.
Really, really, really thrilled.
N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! Is this about the wedding? They say, after a traumatic event, you shouldn't make any big life decisions for like six to eight years.
This has nothing to do with the wedding.
God, I regret ever buying her for you.
Well, I am gonna be sick.
Quinn, sign the form, man.
No! I will not assist you in making the biggest mistake of our lives! The biggest mistake of my life was not becoming a Realtor sooner.
- I'm out of here! - Loren Payton And let me know when I can show you an elevator-adjacent garden-level studio.
It'd be perfect for you! [CRYING.]
I look forward to it! [BLOWS NOSE.]
Hey, Quinn.
I know this is hard to hear, but I need you to I've lost him.
He's gone.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
He's gone.
Okay.
[SNIFFLES DEEPLY.]
[HIGH-PITCHED WAILING.]
Principal Quinn, Medicine Woman! Hey, hey, hey! Listen, whole school's buzzing about how sad you are about Loren leaving, which is why we thought maybe you could use a pick-me-up.
Literally to space! Okay.
I told you to stop talking about - It's the best part.
- Get out of my way! Ohh! See? You chased him off with all that space babble! It's not my fault the faculty here is so old and brainlocked.
Oh, my God.
That's it.
We need to get at the younger minds.
[GASPS.]
We get a van.
We pass out candy at a playground.
- Everyone likes candy.
- No, gross.
- I got an idea.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Right there with you.
Head start on tonight's ring re-charge.
- Power up! - Yeah, yeah, sure [GASPS.]
Oh, my God, Fairbell, is your ring different than mine? Is it? Don't think so.
'Cause it looks a lot different.
That looks [RING CLATTERS.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
I can't thank you guys enough for coming here.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
Hey, Abbey, do you want to leave something behind for my time "cap-syo-ul"? You have a Smoot time capsule? Yeah, it could be anything A book, a CD, some of your favorite bathroom trash.
- Dan, gross.
- Ohh.
Clear out the religion section, Abbey.
I got something you can really believe in.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God.
A going-away party.
You guys [CHUCKLES.]
"Goodbye Abbey.
" Mm-hmm.
That is so thoughtful of you.
You spell "Abbey" with an "e.
" Huh.
Oh, and a novelty card.
These are fun.
Thank you.
Well, listen, I didn't prepare any words 'cause I didn't know you guys were gonna throw me a going-away party.
Oh, actually, the party is for me No, it's okay.
It's okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
From the bottom of my heart, mortgage rates are at an all-time low, so if anyone is even - Really?! A party?! - [SCOFFS.]
Yeah, Quinn.
We're losing our coolest teacher, and you think that that's a cause for celebration?! Unbelievable! You, sir, will be going nowhere! [GRUNTS.]
That is my That is my - Abbey, I've got this.
- Why won't that rip?! You've got some nerve, Quinn.
The entire faculty got together to show me off the right way 'cause they're happy for me, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you take that away from them, monster.
- Monster? - That's right.
The only thing I have ever been accused of - is caring - [SCOFFS.]
And indecent exposure and soliciting a prostitute, although, ultimately, I was acquitted of both.
But caring! Premeditated, first-degree capital caring With aggravated concern? Well, guilty as charged, Your Honor! The defense rests! Cake! That's cake.
Yeah, that's my cake.
You never cared about me, Quinn.
But Steven did.
Steven, come here, please.
Come on.
Please.
You know, this whole time, I, like you, thought Steven was this huge turd.
You know, this huge, weird, misshapen turd that's pretty concerning.
So you call the doctor, and he's like, "You're right.
You need to change everything.
" And you think, "My God.
Had it not been for this gross, oddly painful turd, I'd still be making the same mistakes I made my entire life.
" That's Steven.
So, thank you, Sweeney.
You beautiful turd.
And, Quinn, if you need me, I'll be slam-dunking that Realtor exam.
Enjoy the party that Quinn ruined.
And, Abbey, feel free to help yourself to a non-corner piece of cake.
Oh, that's so generous, so thoughtful.
Thank you.
Sayonara, SuTo! This is all your fault.
Your career-fair carnival of horrors is destroying Smoot! [FOOTSTEPS.]
Well, that was a great party.
Up until the lengthy turd talk.
Yeah.
It was perfect.
- Abbey! - Abbey! Hi.
Clear off the religion section, 'cause I want you to think about space.
Dude, I already told you, if you talk about space one more time, you are gonna get your face punched in.
- What about space for books? - I said that.
- You know what? - Shelf space.
You guys should totally put your books here.
Let me clear off some shelf space for you.
That enough room for you?! Enjoy your sausage cult.
Oh, my God.
Abbey said yes! [BOTH LAUGH.]
Let's go tell Zandra about our new Libratorium.
Quazar Ranch, here I come! Permission to come aboard the rocket yacht.
Yes! Mm.
Well, I would be remiss not to broach a few qualms I have with some of the nutritional claims in your herbivore fare.
Oh, okay.
Well, if you'd like Aaah! Are you okay, sweetie? Yeah, I'm cool.
I just I didn't think you were gonna talk back to me, so, you know See ya! Yeah.
- Oh.
Bye.
- Bye.
Wait till Zandra hear's about this.
I bet Tampa and I get a master bedroom.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Where'd the Triametrics booth go? - Oh.
- Oh.
They took off.
Took off? [CHUCKLES.]
The lady said something about her ship coming in after she fleeced a couple of grade-A whales yesterday.
Yes! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
We got scammed.
I gave her my entire life savings.
Aren't you listening? Zandra has ascended with whales! [LAUGHS.]
You really should be wearing your astral garments this close to Ascension Day.
For the last time We got scammed, you brainwashed dipshit.
I refuse to listen to this horse-sorcery.
You mean "heresy.
" No, I mean horse-sorcery.
Did you even read the books? What are you two doing here? I thought you joined that cult.
I mean, lifestyle opportunity.
Well, if you must know, Sweens, it turned out to be a scam.
They took all my money.
Well, you know what? I can live with two out of four gone.
LOREN: Okay.
Oh! So, bullet points Handed out my sweet pencils at the real-estate exam.
Huge hit.
Duh.
Unfortunately, they were made with Chinese lead, and everybody got super sick from chewing on them.
And it turns out lead's no good on TronScan machines, either, as it ruined every single exam.
So I'm back.
Well, you can take the test again, though, can't you? Oh, no, no.
God, no.
I'm banned for life.
The prodigal son has returned! [LAUGHS.]
Okay, Quinn.
And I forgive you! [LAUGHS.]
No, honestly, I feel like I owe you an apology.
Shh! You don't owe me anything.
Really? So you don't want the deposit back for your condo? 'Cause your mortgage pre-approval was very much denied.
I just want you back here at Smoot.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, that's exactly what you've got.
You know what? One out of four ain't bad.
If you're gonna quote Meat Loaf, get it right.
It's, "Two out of three ain't bad.
" I was talking about your little foursome! - Abbey quit! - What? She was standing right next to me at my going-away party.
God, you think she would've said something.
She didn't even say a word.
[CHUCKLES.]
Classic Abbey.
- What a weirdo.
- Well, she can't do that.
She has to get approved before she can leave.
I have to sign off on A-h-h-h-h-h [AIR BRAKES HISS.]
[GASPING.]
[ENGINE RUMBLING.]
[BREATHES SHARPLY.]
[MACHINERY WHIRRING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[GASPS.]
It's time for me to ascend! [CHUCKLES.]
I'm coming! [ENGINE RUMBLING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Who's the brainwashed dipshit now? Oh, my God! It's finally happening! Next stop, the rocket yacht.
[CHUCKLES.]
Aah! Ow! [CLATTERING.]
Ohh! Ooh!