Undateable (2014) s03e11 Episode Script
Danny's Boyz Walk Into a Bar
I know.
You know it.
Even the guy with the bad haircut knows it.
America is the best country in the world! Yeah.
What the hell are you all doing? It's a game I created called "State of the Union".
Okay? I play Barack O'Biden and I say stuff okay? If they agree with me and they like it, they stand up and they clap.
If they don't like it, then they sit there and have a total bitch face.
So, uh, from now on there will be free Jalapeno poppers.
Okay.
From now on, clothing will be optional.
And on Tuesdays, I'm going to host Broadway karaoke here.
Oh, man that's a lot of bitch faces.
- You will never be a good President - Whatever.
What is all this? Aren't you supposed to be helping Brett with his citizenship test.
We are.
And don't worry guys, that's my last poster.
I am so proud of you.
You think you're ready to be an American? I don't know.
You tell me.
Yo, what's up bro, you want to go watch some football? Not the lame international kind.
The awesome American kind.
With concussions! 'Murica! Some of these questions are actually pretty hard.
- Where does Congress meet? - That's coffee shops? No, that's um, fun.
The answer is Congress.
Capitol.
The Capitol.
You're right, you're right.
Don't worry, along with my lucky sweater and Burski helping me, I'm fine.
- My nan knitted me this sweater.
- Oh, your nan must hate you.
My grandma knitted me a hate sweater once.
Heh, heh.
Joke's on her, though, I had that bitch buried in it.
_ - Happy birthday! - Happy birthday! Whooo! - Does somebody like balloons? - Oh! Well, it wouldn't be a Detroit birthday party without a stabbing.
I'm not doing my birthday this year.
Okay? - No party, no cake, no presents.
- But you love your birthday.
Every year we get you a big cake, and watch you eat one bite every ten minutes.
And then heh, heh, every time you walk over you say, this is my last bite.
Until the last time you when you come over and you go, who ate my damn cake? But you know it was you! I know.
I don't know why I'm so bummed.
Come on.
What did mom do this time? She sent me a stupid card saying how sad it must be that I'm 37 and I don't have kids yet.
That doesn't sound that bad.
She started the card by saying, something about dear Leslie and my grand kiddies.
- What are you doing? - I'm torturing mom by texting her and telling her that you have an even shorter haircut than you got the first time And then we're going to wait till she calls crying.
- Hey it's for you.
- Thank you.
Hi, Mom.
Yeah, it's a flattop and the girl I'm dating loves it All right.
My opportunity.
If I can get Leslie the perfect gift.
We've been in limbo for so long and I could get her out of this funk.
I figure that's a good opportunity for a first date, you know? That's way better than your other plan.
- Go ahead, tell them.
- It's nothing crazy.
She gets in an accident, she's in a coma for a few years.
Sure you guys give up on her but not me, I'm there night after night and I'm holding her hand until she wakes up and she's scared and confused and I'm there.
And I lean in and I whisper, I'm your husband.
Okay, I guess, you all hope that you know, Leslie gets hit by a bus, but, in case she doesn't, what is that perfect birthday gift? Danny, help me out.
You're my best bud, you know what she'd want for her birthday.
Oh, you're 0 for 2 on that sentence.
But dude I'm not getting involved in my sister's sex life, okay? Burski, we've got your back.
Look if, If you want to get Leslie a present maybe you just get her a gift that you make yourself like for instance, me, This morning I wrote a song for Justin.
Babe, let me hear it.
Justin, dear, you're so sweet Except in bed with those cold feet I also don't love when you're on the phone and you call to me in that chipper tone you're like hey babe can you talk to my mom for a second and I'm like look I'm in the bathroom right now and plus I never met her in person and you put me on the phone like that makes me feel really really awkward Will you play that for my mom? I'm going to call her.
Justin! No! No! Ohhh! - Hold me.
- Uh, hey Justin, Brettâs got something he wants to hug you about.
- What's wrong with him? - Brett lost his good-luck sweater.
Yeah, we've been making posters.
How's this one? Shelly, that's just a picture of a girl with a big butt.
You said draw what we're looking for.
A sweater, huh? Huh, is there any forensic evidence? What? Danny's been watching reruns of "CSI: Miami" and now he's obsessed with David Caruso.
Sweaters are supposed to keep you warm.
But this case, is ice cold.
Look, I know it sounds I know it sounds stupid, but I feel like that sweater can get me through anything and, my citizenship test is tomorrow.
And I just really want to pass it, because I guess I've always just felt like an outsider, and if I pass it, then I'll finally feel like I belong.
That was so cute.
You know what? We're going to get you that sweater back.
Yeah, where's the last place you remember seeing it? Okay.
Uhhhh, the only place I went was the gym.
Oh.
Wait but didn't you go to the pizza place right after for a post-gym celebration? Haha, hush now, Candace.
I guess we should check there, yeah, - anyway, just in case.
- This may be the only pizza place in town where the crust is stuffed with, sweaters! - That doesn't even make sense - Aaaarrrggghhh! - Come on, let's go.
- All right.
Go time.
Please help me figure out what the perfect birthday gift is for Leslie.
- Yeah.
- No, hold on, please wait.
Oh, my trust the master.
Let's go! Birthday girl in the house! It's your birthday! Happy, happy, what, what.
Your birthday-day.
- So speaking of presents, what you after? - No presents.
If it makes you feel any better, I know what I want for my birthday.
Right here.
Please tip.
My name is Relentless.
Uh, yeah, excuse me.
Uh Mr.
Lentless, uh, listen, turns out that you found my buddy's sweater, so he needs it back so he can be an American.
No, dude, I'm not doing that.
Okay, well, Brett, we tried, looks like you're going back to Britain.
Obviously you're a great dancer.
And I don't want to toot my own horn, but "beep, beep"! Been known to stomp a few yards.
Anyway.
Do you think you can help us out, one dancer to another? Sorry, dude.
Finders keepers.
According to the ancient laws of battle that does make us "losers weepers".
You know what dude? All right, look.
How about this? Our crew is going to dance battle with your crew, tomorrow at the bar at 12 o'clock, okay? If we win we get the sweater back, if you win you get to keep it and Justinâs going to throw in $100.
Make it $500.
- Whoa! What is happening.
- Thanks Justin.
- You're on.
- Whoo! - Are you insane? - No, no, no, it's going to be fine.
Let's go Google "dancing" - Where's your crew? - Hey, what's up? My crew is actually stretching to avoid injury.
Duh! But game on! Hey, crew, come on out here.
Game time.
Say hello to Dannyâs Boyz.
Actually, Haha, we have girls on the crew, so I say we call our-self "Justinâs Boys and Girls".
If uh, you could go and find a fair judge to help us do this dance battle.
Uh, excuse me, stranger.
Yes, my son? I was working on a sermon on honesty and fairness.
Well, wondered if you can't take time out of your busy day to judge our dance battle, huh? Hm, no, let me pray on it.
Boss says it's okay! All right.
We'll dance.
Let's do this.
Show us what you got! B-word.
Do I have to do anything else? No, no, no.
You won.
I think our dance number was very classy.
How do you think that we did one to ten? Well, if I'm going to rate you one to ten I might as well say you were all very, very white.
Brett, you got 20 minutes till the test.
Oh, what's the point? I'm going to fail.
And then Donald Trump is going to become president and throw me over his giant wall into Mexico.
Listen, man, I know you're upset about the sweater.
But remember when you told me if a really handsome, attractive guy with really great hair, tenderly touches your face you could do anything? Well I want you to know, that you don't need that to happen.
- You can do it all yourself.
- Look, Danny, I'm not that easily manipulated.
Okay? But by god you are right, sir! I can do this on my own.
Thank you, Danny.
'Murica! That was that was cool.
Maybe you could help me out getting your sister a birthday gift.
I'm willing to pretty much spend every penny I have, too.
Sorry, but unfortunately for you, a penny saved is a penny burned! Okay, fine.
Danny, I know that you and I aren't put your Sorry.
I know that you and we're not the closest in this group and that's fine.
Truth is I always figured if I actually really needed you for something, which I do, that you would come through for me like a friend.
I was, I was wrong.
Barnski, wait.
What's the deal with Barnski? Burski.
Maybe he's a little pissed because to help Brett, you formed a dance crew.
Stop it.
What is that? It's not going to work on me, all right? Candace get over here tell him what I said last night.
Yeah, it's totally normal for a grown man to cry at the end of a movie No, no, not, not that.
- The other thing.
- Oh yeah, it's totally normal for a grown man to cry at the beginning of a movie You know what? We're going to cut you off, sweetie.
I love you but I'm going to take it.
Okay.
Look, it's possible that Burski could be the best thing that could ever happen to Leslie, if he gets a chance.
You know? Help him.
You don't deserve to be part of this dance crew.
Your uniform, sir.
Introducing my new American friend, Brett! Way to go, citizen.
What are you going to do first? Get diabetes or buy a gun? I know! I'm so excited.
Look, I know it sounds corny, but this is the best country.
I know it's a great country.
Even though they don't nominate any black people for an Oscar.
Hey, congrats man but I hope you're not the only person with a success story today, because I found a birthday gift for Leslie.
Oh.
Oh, my gosh! Is this a cashmere scarf? Oh, it's so wealthy.
Oh, look at me.
I'm so rich! Oh.
Cocktails.
Caviar.
Health insurance.
That's a great gift Bursk.
- She's going to love it.
- No, Leslie is going to hate it She is man.
I mean every Look, her ex-husband used to get her something expensive every time he used to do something crappy to her.
Honestly, if you just get her an expensive gift it's going to remind her of those crappy times.
Look, if you really want to get on my sister's good side, give her this candy necklace.
I'm just supposed to trust you on that? I guess you got to decide on whether or not you believe I'm your friend.
Uh, hey, Les, I know you asked for us not to do this, but I know you've been a little down and I kind of wanted to get you a birthday gift.
- I hope you like it.
- You got me a candy necklace? I love it! When I was a kid and I would get bummed out like when my mom was being lame or when our dog died I used to bike down to Market Street and I would buy one of these because who can stay bummed out when you can eat what you're wearing? Thanks, Bursk.
Hey.
Do you want to take me out for a belated birthday dinner? Yeah.
I, um, I have to stop by somewhere to pawn off this cashmere scarf first, though.
Technically, this would be our first date, yes? Sure.
Why not? Hey, man, you better not turn this into a long moment about friendship where you start talking on and on, okay? I won't.
Because after what I just saw you do I don't think I could find the words.
- Oh say can you see - But I will say this - God bless Danny Burton.
- by the dawn's early light - God bless these United States of America.
- What so proudly we hailed And if we get another season, god bless the National Broadcast Company!
You know it.
Even the guy with the bad haircut knows it.
America is the best country in the world! Yeah.
What the hell are you all doing? It's a game I created called "State of the Union".
Okay? I play Barack O'Biden and I say stuff okay? If they agree with me and they like it, they stand up and they clap.
If they don't like it, then they sit there and have a total bitch face.
So, uh, from now on there will be free Jalapeno poppers.
Okay.
From now on, clothing will be optional.
And on Tuesdays, I'm going to host Broadway karaoke here.
Oh, man that's a lot of bitch faces.
- You will never be a good President - Whatever.
What is all this? Aren't you supposed to be helping Brett with his citizenship test.
We are.
And don't worry guys, that's my last poster.
I am so proud of you.
You think you're ready to be an American? I don't know.
You tell me.
Yo, what's up bro, you want to go watch some football? Not the lame international kind.
The awesome American kind.
With concussions! 'Murica! Some of these questions are actually pretty hard.
- Where does Congress meet? - That's coffee shops? No, that's um, fun.
The answer is Congress.
Capitol.
The Capitol.
You're right, you're right.
Don't worry, along with my lucky sweater and Burski helping me, I'm fine.
- My nan knitted me this sweater.
- Oh, your nan must hate you.
My grandma knitted me a hate sweater once.
Heh, heh.
Joke's on her, though, I had that bitch buried in it.
_ - Happy birthday! - Happy birthday! Whooo! - Does somebody like balloons? - Oh! Well, it wouldn't be a Detroit birthday party without a stabbing.
I'm not doing my birthday this year.
Okay? - No party, no cake, no presents.
- But you love your birthday.
Every year we get you a big cake, and watch you eat one bite every ten minutes.
And then heh, heh, every time you walk over you say, this is my last bite.
Until the last time you when you come over and you go, who ate my damn cake? But you know it was you! I know.
I don't know why I'm so bummed.
Come on.
What did mom do this time? She sent me a stupid card saying how sad it must be that I'm 37 and I don't have kids yet.
That doesn't sound that bad.
She started the card by saying, something about dear Leslie and my grand kiddies.
- What are you doing? - I'm torturing mom by texting her and telling her that you have an even shorter haircut than you got the first time And then we're going to wait till she calls crying.
- Hey it's for you.
- Thank you.
Hi, Mom.
Yeah, it's a flattop and the girl I'm dating loves it All right.
My opportunity.
If I can get Leslie the perfect gift.
We've been in limbo for so long and I could get her out of this funk.
I figure that's a good opportunity for a first date, you know? That's way better than your other plan.
- Go ahead, tell them.
- It's nothing crazy.
She gets in an accident, she's in a coma for a few years.
Sure you guys give up on her but not me, I'm there night after night and I'm holding her hand until she wakes up and she's scared and confused and I'm there.
And I lean in and I whisper, I'm your husband.
Okay, I guess, you all hope that you know, Leslie gets hit by a bus, but, in case she doesn't, what is that perfect birthday gift? Danny, help me out.
You're my best bud, you know what she'd want for her birthday.
Oh, you're 0 for 2 on that sentence.
But dude I'm not getting involved in my sister's sex life, okay? Burski, we've got your back.
Look if, If you want to get Leslie a present maybe you just get her a gift that you make yourself like for instance, me, This morning I wrote a song for Justin.
Babe, let me hear it.
Justin, dear, you're so sweet Except in bed with those cold feet I also don't love when you're on the phone and you call to me in that chipper tone you're like hey babe can you talk to my mom for a second and I'm like look I'm in the bathroom right now and plus I never met her in person and you put me on the phone like that makes me feel really really awkward Will you play that for my mom? I'm going to call her.
Justin! No! No! Ohhh! - Hold me.
- Uh, hey Justin, Brettâs got something he wants to hug you about.
- What's wrong with him? - Brett lost his good-luck sweater.
Yeah, we've been making posters.
How's this one? Shelly, that's just a picture of a girl with a big butt.
You said draw what we're looking for.
A sweater, huh? Huh, is there any forensic evidence? What? Danny's been watching reruns of "CSI: Miami" and now he's obsessed with David Caruso.
Sweaters are supposed to keep you warm.
But this case, is ice cold.
Look, I know it sounds I know it sounds stupid, but I feel like that sweater can get me through anything and, my citizenship test is tomorrow.
And I just really want to pass it, because I guess I've always just felt like an outsider, and if I pass it, then I'll finally feel like I belong.
That was so cute.
You know what? We're going to get you that sweater back.
Yeah, where's the last place you remember seeing it? Okay.
Uhhhh, the only place I went was the gym.
Oh.
Wait but didn't you go to the pizza place right after for a post-gym celebration? Haha, hush now, Candace.
I guess we should check there, yeah, - anyway, just in case.
- This may be the only pizza place in town where the crust is stuffed with, sweaters! - That doesn't even make sense - Aaaarrrggghhh! - Come on, let's go.
- All right.
Go time.
Please help me figure out what the perfect birthday gift is for Leslie.
- Yeah.
- No, hold on, please wait.
Oh, my trust the master.
Let's go! Birthday girl in the house! It's your birthday! Happy, happy, what, what.
Your birthday-day.
- So speaking of presents, what you after? - No presents.
If it makes you feel any better, I know what I want for my birthday.
Right here.
Please tip.
My name is Relentless.
Uh, yeah, excuse me.
Uh Mr.
Lentless, uh, listen, turns out that you found my buddy's sweater, so he needs it back so he can be an American.
No, dude, I'm not doing that.
Okay, well, Brett, we tried, looks like you're going back to Britain.
Obviously you're a great dancer.
And I don't want to toot my own horn, but "beep, beep"! Been known to stomp a few yards.
Anyway.
Do you think you can help us out, one dancer to another? Sorry, dude.
Finders keepers.
According to the ancient laws of battle that does make us "losers weepers".
You know what dude? All right, look.
How about this? Our crew is going to dance battle with your crew, tomorrow at the bar at 12 o'clock, okay? If we win we get the sweater back, if you win you get to keep it and Justinâs going to throw in $100.
Make it $500.
- Whoa! What is happening.
- Thanks Justin.
- You're on.
- Whoo! - Are you insane? - No, no, no, it's going to be fine.
Let's go Google "dancing" - Where's your crew? - Hey, what's up? My crew is actually stretching to avoid injury.
Duh! But game on! Hey, crew, come on out here.
Game time.
Say hello to Dannyâs Boyz.
Actually, Haha, we have girls on the crew, so I say we call our-self "Justinâs Boys and Girls".
If uh, you could go and find a fair judge to help us do this dance battle.
Uh, excuse me, stranger.
Yes, my son? I was working on a sermon on honesty and fairness.
Well, wondered if you can't take time out of your busy day to judge our dance battle, huh? Hm, no, let me pray on it.
Boss says it's okay! All right.
We'll dance.
Let's do this.
Show us what you got! B-word.
Do I have to do anything else? No, no, no.
You won.
I think our dance number was very classy.
How do you think that we did one to ten? Well, if I'm going to rate you one to ten I might as well say you were all very, very white.
Brett, you got 20 minutes till the test.
Oh, what's the point? I'm going to fail.
And then Donald Trump is going to become president and throw me over his giant wall into Mexico.
Listen, man, I know you're upset about the sweater.
But remember when you told me if a really handsome, attractive guy with really great hair, tenderly touches your face you could do anything? Well I want you to know, that you don't need that to happen.
- You can do it all yourself.
- Look, Danny, I'm not that easily manipulated.
Okay? But by god you are right, sir! I can do this on my own.
Thank you, Danny.
'Murica! That was that was cool.
Maybe you could help me out getting your sister a birthday gift.
I'm willing to pretty much spend every penny I have, too.
Sorry, but unfortunately for you, a penny saved is a penny burned! Okay, fine.
Danny, I know that you and I aren't put your Sorry.
I know that you and we're not the closest in this group and that's fine.
Truth is I always figured if I actually really needed you for something, which I do, that you would come through for me like a friend.
I was, I was wrong.
Barnski, wait.
What's the deal with Barnski? Burski.
Maybe he's a little pissed because to help Brett, you formed a dance crew.
Stop it.
What is that? It's not going to work on me, all right? Candace get over here tell him what I said last night.
Yeah, it's totally normal for a grown man to cry at the end of a movie No, no, not, not that.
- The other thing.
- Oh yeah, it's totally normal for a grown man to cry at the beginning of a movie You know what? We're going to cut you off, sweetie.
I love you but I'm going to take it.
Okay.
Look, it's possible that Burski could be the best thing that could ever happen to Leslie, if he gets a chance.
You know? Help him.
You don't deserve to be part of this dance crew.
Your uniform, sir.
Introducing my new American friend, Brett! Way to go, citizen.
What are you going to do first? Get diabetes or buy a gun? I know! I'm so excited.
Look, I know it sounds corny, but this is the best country.
I know it's a great country.
Even though they don't nominate any black people for an Oscar.
Hey, congrats man but I hope you're not the only person with a success story today, because I found a birthday gift for Leslie.
Oh.
Oh, my gosh! Is this a cashmere scarf? Oh, it's so wealthy.
Oh, look at me.
I'm so rich! Oh.
Cocktails.
Caviar.
Health insurance.
That's a great gift Bursk.
- She's going to love it.
- No, Leslie is going to hate it She is man.
I mean every Look, her ex-husband used to get her something expensive every time he used to do something crappy to her.
Honestly, if you just get her an expensive gift it's going to remind her of those crappy times.
Look, if you really want to get on my sister's good side, give her this candy necklace.
I'm just supposed to trust you on that? I guess you got to decide on whether or not you believe I'm your friend.
Uh, hey, Les, I know you asked for us not to do this, but I know you've been a little down and I kind of wanted to get you a birthday gift.
- I hope you like it.
- You got me a candy necklace? I love it! When I was a kid and I would get bummed out like when my mom was being lame or when our dog died I used to bike down to Market Street and I would buy one of these because who can stay bummed out when you can eat what you're wearing? Thanks, Bursk.
Hey.
Do you want to take me out for a belated birthday dinner? Yeah.
I, um, I have to stop by somewhere to pawn off this cashmere scarf first, though.
Technically, this would be our first date, yes? Sure.
Why not? Hey, man, you better not turn this into a long moment about friendship where you start talking on and on, okay? I won't.
Because after what I just saw you do I don't think I could find the words.
- Oh say can you see - But I will say this - God bless Danny Burton.
- by the dawn's early light - God bless these United States of America.
- What so proudly we hailed And if we get another season, god bless the National Broadcast Company!