Bizaardvark (2016) s03e12 Episode Script

1 [upbeat music playing.]
And we are officially finished with our first batch of fresh, organic granola.
Paige, are you forgetting something? Oh, right.
The secret ingredient.
BOTH: Love.
Look at us.
We should call ourselves "The Granola Gals.
I like it 'cause both words start with "G".
I like it 'cause gals rhymes with pals, and that's what we are.
We're fun.
We are fun.
Hey, Meels.
Oh, hey.
Wanna try some of the granola we're selling at the farmer's market today? Don't tell her the secret ingredient.
Is it love? Because literally every time you guys bake something, you say that.
Uh, that is not true.
The secret ingredient in our double chocolate brownies was Joy.
So there.
Whoa.
This is delicious.
- Really? - Yeah! You guys are gonna make a ton of money selling this.
You're definitely gonna win the farmer's market.
Meels, may I call you that? - No.
- Amelia.
There's no such thing as winning the farmer's market.
Farmer's markets are about community.
They're about sharing the best of the Earth with the people who inhabit it.
There's a lady there who bakes secret messages into her fresh bread loaves.
I got one that said, "You are totally unique.
" And I got one that said the same thing.
That's the kind of farmer's marketeer we wanna be.
Generous and supportive.
So you're gonna lose? Amelia, we're not doing this for the money.
We're doing this to be a part of something bigger than ourselves.
And you can be a part of something bigger.
A big pile of money! I can teach you how to be competitive, successful businesswomen.
Thanks Meels.
But we got this.
Want us to bring you back anything? This week there's a guy selling armadillo milk! Aw, Willow That's so gross.
Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! [surf music playing.]
I gotta tell ya Bernie, spending the day at the beach just relaxes me.
It's like the sun gets in my skin and makes me this whole new, calmer person.
I'm gonna burn this deck to the ground.
My favorite part of the beach was taking hundreds of selfies flexing in front of stuff.
- You would think it would get old - It got old.
But it never does.
Wait a second Why do I have two phones? I got mine.
Did you accidentally grab someone else's off the beach? Yeah, I must have.
Man, whoever's this is must feel terrible losing such an expensive phone.
I need to go find them and return it.
Wow, is Bernie Schotz actually doing the right thing? So I can collect my sweet reward money! No, he is not.
Don't judge me.
Call "Home.
" [line rings.]
- WOMAN: Hello? - Hello, ma'am.
I'm just calling to tell you it's your lucky day.
I found your phone and I'm perfectly willing to return it to you and accept my reward money, preferably in hundies.
Wait, you stole my phone and now you're blackmailing me to get it back? I'm gonna hunt you down and get you for this! Who is this? Uh, Frankie Wong.
Phew.
Man I would not want to be Frankie Wong right now.
[upbeat music plays.]
BOTH: Ahhh.
Mmm, thanks.
That really helped wash down the taste of your disgusting armadillo milk.
Time to share our granola with the world.
And then the world! I should listen better.
Oh, look at you two cuties! Now, what are you selling? - Granola.
Want a free sample? - Oh! Mmm! My word.
That is delicious.
How'd you make it taste so darn good? Oh! Don't tell anyone It's coconut flakes.
Coconut.
Oh, I feel like I'm in Maui.
How much per bag? Actually, we don't have a set price.
We're just asking for donations.
Aw, what a beautiful gesture.
I'll take five bags.
Aw, are those your grandchildren? I've got four of them.
All granola lovers.
Well, you know what? Take as many bags as you want.
You're a lovely customer.
Oh! Wow, we gave away all our granola.
- Care to join me for a victory skip? - I would love to.
You've gotta be kidding me You're right, it is weird when someone my age skips.
No, look! The Granola Grandma? Step right up for a taste of Grandma's homemade granola! Only ten bucks a bag! Are you re-selling our granola? Gimme ten bucks, you can find out for yourself.
But this goes against the entire spirit of the farmers market.
What are you gonna do, put me in granola jail? [girls gasp.]
And I'm gonna be making a whole new batch to sell at the next farmers market now that I know your secret ingredient: Coconut flakes.
Ha! You're wrong.
It's love.
Oh.
Well, that's not a problem.
I love stealing your granola.
You're a bad grandma! Guess what? Not a grandma.
- But the pictures in your wallet were - Guess what? Not my wallet.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to count my gran-alla dolla bills, y'all.
Meels, we need your business help.
There's a fake grandma that needs to be taken down.
You've come to the right place.
Your training begins now.
Well, as soon as Horse Face Guy gets back from the dentist, I'm watching his cat.
Welcome to your training, ladies.
Teaching you two how to take down a ruthless old lady is no easy task.
But with my help, I will teach you how to have the Eye of the Duckworth.
[suspenseful music playing.]
Thanks, Horse Face Guy.
How was the root canal? [sad notes playing.]
Aw, I'm sorry to hear that.
Maybe stop brushing your teeth with caramel? [cat meows.]
The Eye of the Duckworth is the fire of competition that burns deep inside all Duckworths.
I'm a Duckworth! But I'm not.
Do I have a fire burning inside me too? I'm guessing for you it's more of a scented candle or something.
But I can teach you too.
And once that fire inside you ignites, it becomes an unstoppable inferno that will burn all competition to a crisp.
Whoa.
I'm a Duckworth.
Competitive lesson number one: if you want something, take it.
You both have been jumping rope for an hour.
and you've probably worked up quite a thirst.
BOTH: Uh-huh! Well this is the last sports drink in the house.
Who wants it more? You take it.
You need fluids to skip.
No.
Your beautiful braid won't be as shiny if you don't hydrate.
- How 'bout we split it? - Yay, sharing! No! There's no sharing in business.
[chugging.]
I wasn't even thirsty.
Competitive lesson number two: If you want to bring an opponent down, you find their weakness and exploit it.
[scoffs.]
What, like smack talk? Pretty sure I can handle that.
Yeah, I'm not afraid to serve up a plate of stone cold diss.
Oh really? Then why don't you both say something bad about - This rainbow! - [girls gasp.]
- No, I can't.
- It's too beautiful.
This rainbow stole your granola! Uncage your rage.
You're the most magnificent thing I've ever seen! I will never not be amazed by your beauty! Okay You said nice things but in a really mean way.
It's progress.
In business, everyone is your competition.
I don't see how this is gonna help us, but we totally trust you.
And that's your mistake.
Final lesson: Trust no one.
Including me.
Have a good night, ladies.
[door closes and locks.]
[wolf howls, coyotes bark.]
You know, sometimes I really don't like your sister.
[upbeat music playing.]
Hey, Frankie.
How's my most calm and level-headed friend? - Fine.
- [laughs awkwardly.]
"Fine.
" Classic Frankie.
Hey, quick quesh: Have any random, angry people contacted you recently, possibly threatening to, I dunno, "rip your limbs off" or what not? Bernie what did you do? I took the word question and shortened it to quesh.
- Bernie - Okay, okay.
So I called the owner of this phone that I found, and she was a little "miffed" about the whole sitch.
So I kind of, sort of, not really, but definitely really suggested that the person who took the phone was you.
- What? - Hang on, let me finish.
Now she's coming to get you to get her sweet revenge.
That makes it much worse.
That's why I said "let me finish.
" Bernie, have you lost your mind? You have no idea who this person is.
They could be dangerous.
Or worse, a retired puppeteer.
I don't wanna get into it.
Well, from her photos, she definitely looks super jacked.
Game recognize game, ya feel me? No.
Bernie, we need to call this woman back right now and explain everything.
That's a good idea, she seems like a reasonable person, with a husband, kids, and Oh, look, there she is winning a kick-boxing tournament.
Oh, no.
That's an illegal street fight.
Bernie, just give me the phone.
[phone ringing.]
Well, well, well, if it isn't the phone stealer.
Hi, ma'am.
I just wanted to say this whole thing was a big misunderstanding.
From your photos, you seem like a nice person Wait! You're going through my private photos now?! Uh Might I suggest setting a passcode on your phone.
You can use any number you want.
I recommend a five.
Or a three.
Sevens are a little scary.
You know, 'cause seven "ate" nine.
[laughs nervously.]
I'm gonna find you and rip you to shreds! [grunts.]
Okay, not a fan of number humor.
Wait, this doesn't sound like the same person I talked to before.
Is this Frankie Wong? Uh No, no Uh It's Paige Olvera! [snarling.]
Weird day, huh? All right, ladies.
Time to put your training to the test.
Who's the target? BOTH: The Granola Grandma! Who do you trust? BOTH: No one! How do you say things? BOTH: At the same time! You're ready.
Good luck, ladies.
I'm gonna take a lap and see what this freak show is all about.
All right.
Let's get our game faces on.
[both snarl.]
What's that? Oh, I made some of my famous artisanal lemonade.
Yeah, but we're selling granola, not lemonade.
I know, I just thought we'd attract more customers if we offered something light and refreshing to wash it down.
[scoffs.]
I'm sorry, are you saying my granola is dry? Okay, first of all, it's our granola.
[gasps.]
I see what you're doing.
Lesson one: If you want something, take it.
That's not what I was doing.
[gasps.]
Unless that's what you're doing and you're trying to pin it on me.
I'm not pinning anything on anybody.
Just hop on your stool and start selling.
Oh, is that a height joke? [gasps.]
That's lesson two: Exploit your competitor's weakness.
Competitor? You're not my competitor.
Unless [both gasp.]
BOTH: Lesson three: Trust no one.
You guys were right! The farmers market is a magical community built on love and friendship! You're going down, Lemonade Gal.
No, you're going down, Granola Gal, who's now my ex-pal.
What's happening? Why do you have separate tables? Because everyone's a competitor, Amelia.
Just like you taught us.
Except there is no us anymore.
It's every certified organic granola maker for themselves! Or every artisanal fresh-squeezed non-organic lemonade maker.
I couldn't get organic lemons, there was a delayed shipment, something about a truck driver strike in San Pedro! I'm gonna make so much more money than you.
I'm gonna make so much more money than you.
And I think skipping is dumb! Burn! Well you know how the saying goes.
When life gives you lemons - wear an ugly braid.
- [gasps.]
Burn re-turned.
Oh dear.
It's the double Eye of the Duckworth! [suspenseful music playing.]
No way, Horse Face Guy, you're playing the farmers market?! [upbeat music playing.]
Who wants lemonade? You wants organic granola? Okay, it might not be organic, but it's still artisanal.
Artisanal! Guys, what happened? You were on the same team.
Ask your sister.
She's the one who went all berserk on me.
You're the one who went lemonade berserk, you lemonade backstabber.
Okay, just adding the word "lemonade" in the middle of a sentence doesn't make it an insult.
You would lemonade know, you bossy lemonade pants.
Okay, that one actually stung.
Guys, it doesn't have to be like this.
You told me the farmers market was all about unity and harmony.
- Well, meet Kenny and Russell.
- Howdy.
Kenny and Russell are best friends and they don't mind that they both sell carrots at the same farmers market.
Wait a minute.
You sell carrots? That's my thing.
You told me you sold rhubarb! You're a dead man, Russell! Okay, so Kenny and Russell clearly have some issues they need to work out.
- My customer! - No, my customer! Let go of my bearded hipster! You let go! I saw his public radio t-shirt first! Look what you did! You just cost me a customer! You cost yourself a customer, you customer-costing lemonade customer-coster.
Lemonade was not a necessary part of that sentence! Yes it lemonade was! Gah! I can't take this anymore! I'm gonna go get more cups.
And I'm not lemonade done with you.
What did that even mean? Hey! Hey! Oh no, we're too late! What? Did that scary cell phone lady find Paige? No, the peach guy's out of free samples.
Bernie, focus, we're here to find Paige! [screams.]
What are you doing here? What's wrong? [laughs nervously.]
Uh, nothing's wrong.
Nothing's wrong at all.
Hey, you know where things are really not wrong? The beautiful beaches of Mexico.
Or even Australia.
Yeah, so I packed your bag with a fake passport, food and disguises.
Now once you get to Australia, your name is no longer Paige Olvera, it's Pludge O'Mara.
Good, right? Ready to hit the road, Pludge? Ah! It's so bad, Bernie.
Guys, I don't know what you're talking about and I don't care.
I've got lemonade to sell, and I checked into all my social media sites, and let the world know exactly where I am.
If you're looking for Paige Olvera, you're gonna find Paige Olvera.
BOTH: Plan B.
- Stop! Put me down! - This is for your own good.
We have to get you out of here, Paige.
She means Pludge.
Pludge O'Mara! And she has the ID to prove it.
Guys, quit it! In the time I've wasted talking to you, Willow's probably sold ten bags of granola.
If you don't leave here right now, something really bad is gonna happen to you.
No, something bad is gonna happen to you if you don't get out of my face.
Did you just throw a cup at me? Oh, I don't know.
Let me check.
She did it again.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
We'll leave.
Just no more cups! Hey, but if the peach guy happens to put out more samples Get out of here! Mmm, granola! Mmm, lemonade! They go so well together.
[laughs nervously.]
Just like old friends! You carrot lowlife! I will carrot get you! See? It's a thing.
- You're a thing! - You're a thing! How can I trust you? What does that even mean? - It doesn't mean any - Guys! Stop! I was wrong.
You can't win the farmers market.
I should never have taught you the Eye of the Duckworth.
It has no place in a civil society.
Well looky what we have here.
I've already met the loser gang.
I didn't know their loser president was going to be here too.
What did you say? Yeah, what'd you say about my friend? Yeah.
'Cause that loser is my sister.
Aw, you think I'm scared of three tweenagers? What are you gonna do, selfie me? Which one of you is Paige Olvera? I am.
What's your problem? My problem is I want my cell phone back.
Look, I don't know what you're talking about.
And I'm kind of in the middle of something! Hey, I'm talking to you! She said she's kind of in the middle of something.
- But she stole my - Stole your what? Your confidence? Is that why you have all those muscles? So no one knows how weak you really are? No.
I mean no.
Maybe I should get huge like you so people won't notice how aggressive I am when I meet new people! But I didn't I just Howard, put the boys in their car seats.
We're leaving! You were sayin'? Yeah.
You were sayin'? We can't hear you, grandma.
Start talkin' or start walkin'.
Uh You can't catch what you can't grab! [screams.]
That.
Was.
Crazy.
Did you see your mean face? You were all, "arrgh!" Me?! What about you and your "You were sayin'?" [laughter.]
That muscle lady coulda killed us all! [all laugh hysterically.]
[laughter fades.]
Willow, what are we doing? I'm so sorry for getting so competitive with you.
I'm sorry too, Paige.
You guys have something more important than the Eye of the Duckworth.
You have the "Aww" of the Duckworth.
Oh Russ, what are we doing? If those girls can settle their differences, can't we do the same? Carrot shake? Russell, you were my best man! [screams.]
I didn't take your phone! It was Bernie Schotz! I'll lead you to him! There he is! Go! Hey, Sheila.
Ready to get yoked? You know it, B-Money.
What's happening? Word of advice: If you ever lose your phone, make sure someone as cool as Bernie finds it.
You'll have a lifting partner for life.
Hey, let's flex our muscles next to each other.
BOTH: Twinsies! [both grunting.]
This is the beginning of a very weird friendship.