Bojack Horseman (2014) s03e12 Episode Script
That Went Well
1 [people chanting.]
Sarah Lynn! Sarah Lynn! [Sarah Lynn.]
Okay, one more song.
I'm gonna slow things down.
- This is "My Heinie Ain't So Tiny.
" - [slow ballad playing.]
[music stops abruptly.]
Sarah Lynn is very tired.
Can you just tell her BoJack's here? Horseman.
I'm an old friend.
Well, I'll tell her, but [groaning.]
[Sarah Lynn.]
BoJack? Oh, my God! Bring him in! - I can't believe you came to my concert.
- It was incredible.
When you sang that one ballad and shot fireworks out of your boobs, that was such a moving tribute to gays in the military.
We are going out.
Before you go, I need you to sign these posters.
It's for charity.
Doctors Without Posters.
Okay.
BoJack, can you hang out for a minute? - Yeah.
I'm not going anywhere.
- Also, we have those radio records, and you're doing the print ads for Sarah Lynn's Stank, the new fragrance from Kevin Kline.
- You mean Calvin Klein.
- Kevin Kline, BoJack.
He's the only man who truly understands my fragrance.
I'll come back in 20 for those posters.
Oh, my God.
Being famous is the worst.
- Ugh! Yeah, you're telling me.
- No, but, like, really famous.
- Uh - How can I explain it to someone like you? I feel like all my friends only like me because I'm Sarah Lynn, you know.
- Nobody cares about Sarah Lipschitz.
- Who's Sarah Lipschitz? The lawyer who helped me change my name from Sarah Helmulfarb.
Oof! It is so great to see a real friend who knew me before I got huge and isn't just trying to get something out of me.
Right.
I swear you are, like, the only one I have left.
I am this close to falling off the deep end.
[laughs.]
I know I'm smiling right now, but the light inside me is dying.
Uh, what? But here I am blah-blah-blah-ing about my own boring, sexy, thrilling life.
What is going on with you? Well, actually, I'm doing this new show, The BoJack Horseman Show.
- I don't know if you've seen it or - Ugh, I'm so busy with the tour.
Yeah, no, of course, no, but it's been a lot of fun.
The ratings aren't great, but we have this upcoming episode, and we're looking for a really big guest star.
Oh.
You want me to be on your show? Well, I just thought it would be really fun for the both of us.
You know, like the old days.
I have the script with me if you want to take a look at it.
Um, okay.
Why don't you put it on that pile over there? And I'll get to it when I have some free time.
- Over here? - Yeah.
I'd love to keep hanging out, but these doctors need their posters, and I'm already pretty exhausted.
You should probably go.
- Oh, okay.
- It's all very exhausting.
Thanks again for coming.
Like I said, it's always nice to see a you.
Yeah.
[male voice.]
Adam Levine has tweeted his sympathies.
"Today we lost an icon.
#SheWillBeLoved #WatchTheVoiceSeason10.
" Again, for those just joining us, actress and pop star Sarah Lynn is dead at 31.
Day 75 at sea, there's a darkness brewing on the horizon.
I feel it.
What say you, skippy? [Todd's voice.]
I think you got a touch of the ocean madness, Margo.
And I think you got a real smart mouth.
You want another night in the box? No, anything but that! Then quit your yappin' and fix Mama a Sazerac.
Hey, is that character actress Margo Martindale? She's on the FBI's Most Wanted list and the AV Club's list of 20 actresses that always make everything better.
- We gotta call this in, right? - That depends.
Are we professional blimp pilots, or are we casting directors? Blimp pilots, sir.
Then we're not being paid to discover underutilized character actresses.
We're being paid to pilot this blimp.
Hey, Margo, do you see something out there across the water? Yeah.
What is that? [choking.]
[horn blaring.]
[British accent.]
All clear from here to Los Angeles.
[British accent.]
We've hit a few delays, but you'll get your precious cargo by tomorrow.
[Italian accent.]
Tomorrow? But the big opening of my restaurant is tonight! How can I offer the real Italian cuisine without my real Italian spaghett'? Spaghett' is how Italian people say "spaghetti.
" We'll get you your pasta.
Better do what he says.
He might have friends in the Mob.
"Friends in the Mob"? That is an ugly stereotype.
[speaking Italian.]
You heard the man.
Set this boat's controls to "faster.
" Aye-aye, Cap'n.
Oh, I see how it is.
Wanna play a game of chicken, huh? I don't think this is a good idea, Margo.
Cram it, skip! Those limp dicks are about to find out what savvy film and television viewers have known for years.
Character actress Margo Martindale ain't afraid of nothin'! The boats are about to collide! We have to do something! You know damn well, when we took to the sky, we made a solemn oath never to meddle in the affairs of land nor sea.
We are sworn but to observe.
This is the blimper's promise.
Oh, no! The boats are tearing each other apart! Crates and crates of spaghetti are pouring out into the ocean! I'm watching the same boat collision you are.
You don't need to narrate it.
[screaming.]
Oh! No! Skippy! He was too pure for this world! Oh, no! The pasta is cooking! If only we had some olive oil to reduce the stickiness.
But olive oil doesn't actually reduce the stickiness in pasta.
That's only a myth.
No! I've wasted so much of my life stirring olive oil into pasta! Disaster al dente off the coast of San Clemente! Twelve tons of pasta have leaked into the ocean, and the massive carbo load is heading straight to Pacific Ocean City.
[screaming.]
Joining us via Google Hangout is spaghetti scientist Carla Hall.
- What can you tell us, Carla? - Well, Tom, as the spaghetti cooks, it will expand, smothering the town and tenderly broiling the sea life who reside there.
Is there any way to prevent this delicious-sounding environmental catastrophe? The only hope for rescue would be if someone had an enormous quantity of spaghetti strainers just sitting around the house, but that person would also need access to a fleet of drivers to transport said spaghetti strainers, and in order to strain the spaghetti fast enough, the drivers would also need to be incredibly strong swimmers, like, just as an example, hot, sexy killer whales.
Is there such a savior who could possibly fit that ridiculously specific set of criteria? I don't know, Tom, but as they used to say on my favorite TV show, let's find out.
A movie, during the day? Dare I? One for Secretariat, please! - [barks.]
- Thank you.
And, now, to turn my phone off.
If anyone needs me in the next two hours, they'll just have to wait.
[Tom on TV.]
This tragedy truly puts the "no" into noodle, the "ruh-roh" in rotelli, and the "oh, man" in manicotti.
Damn it, Randy.
Just pick your best one.
- What's going on? - You didn't hear? They need spaghetti strainers stat, or it's "pasta la vista" for Pacific Ocean City.
- Oh, no! - [crowd screaming.]
[dramatic music playing.]
Come on, come on, come on! Pick up, Mr.
Peanutbutter! - Hello? - Oh! Mr.
Peanutbutter, we need You've reached the voicemail of Mr.
Peanutbutter.
No! [BoJack.]
I'm not just running for me.
I'm running for America.
Oh-ho-ho! Cabracadabblers, to Mr.
Peanutbutter's house! Mr.
Peanutbutter's House the show, or Mr.
Peanutbutter's house the house? The house.
Obviously, the house.
[dramatic music playing.]
Wow, that was a good movie.
Was it Oscar-worthy? Who's to say? Ninety-eight messages? Better listen to them all, in order.
[Todd.]
Mr.
Peanutbutter, call me back as soon as you get this, okay? We need your strainers.
This is life and death.
- Oh, my God! - [Todd.]
Mr.
Peanutbutter, I'm at your house with the entire Cabracadabra fleet, but we can't get in! You need to get over here! It's a spaghetti-strainer- related emergency.
All right, buddy, just as soon as I listen to these other 96 messages.
[man.]
Good afternoon, I'm calling from Center Theater Group.
You saw a play once eight years ago.
I wonder if I could interest you in a full season subscription Oh, I don't have time for this! [grunts.]
[rock music playing.]
If we don't get some kind of miracle Wait! In the distance! Is that? No, it can't be! Spaghetti or not, here I come.
[studio audience laughing.]
Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Sabrina, I'm coming down for my birthday surprise! Oh, no! Well, I've heard of pasta point of no return, but this is ridiculous! - [studio audience laughing.]
- [groans.]
Why didn't you just tell me you made too much spaghetti? I thought if you knew I made a big mess that you wouldn't love me anymore.
- [audience.]
Aw! - Sabrina, that's not going to happen.
We're a family now, no matter what, and I will always be there for you.
Okay.
[grunts.]
Now, get in that kitchen and eat all that spaghetti.
I gotta eat all that? That's too much, man! [studio audience applauds.]
I never understood why the Horsin' Around house - had two sets of stairs.
- What? One in the living room and one in the kitchen.
Why? Have you ever been in a house like that? - What are you doing here? - You didn't answer your phone.
I was worried about you.
[takes deep breath.]
The funeral was huge.
There were so many people there.
I kept thinking, "I did this to her," and everyone was just standing around like, "Well, this was bound to happen," but it wasn't bound to happen.
I'm really sorry, BoJack.
I don't know how to be, Diane.
It doesn't get better and it doesn't get easier.
I can't keep lying to myself, saying "I'm gonna change.
" I'm poison.
- BoJack - I come from poison.
I have poison inside me, and I destroy everything I touch.
That's my legacy.
I have nothing to show for the life that I've lived, and I have nobody in my life who's better off for having known me.
- That isn't true.
- Isn't it, though? [sighs.]
When I was a kid, I used to watch you on TV.
And you know I didn't have the best family.
Things weren't that great for me.
But, for half an hour every week, I got to watch this show about four people who had nobody, who came together and became a family.
And, for half an hour every week, I had a home, and it helped me survive.
BoJack, there are millions of people who are better off for having known you.
Why did you never tell me that? I guess to preserve some fiction of journalistic objectivity.
- Like that's a thing.
- I know you don't want to hear this, but you're too good to be writing Instagram captions for celebrities.
- I'm not just - I'm sorry, but you are.
- You know you are.
- Okay.
Thank you.
And I wish you didn't get so distant after you moved out.
- I'm sorry.
- You know me better than anybody, and you can't not be a part of my life.
Tools! This is Brad.
- I want to do Ethan Around.
- Oh, very funny.
Is this Jeff from Hammers and More? - No, it's me, BoJack Horseman.
- Wait, really? Yeah.
I think now more than ever people need shows like Horsin' Around.
I need a show like Horsin' Around.
Okay, but this isn't like last time, is it? Where you say you want to do it, but then, I find out you don't actually want to do it, and then, your mean publicist yells at me? And, at the airport, on the way home, I get one of those big pretzels, but then, I drop the pretzel on the ground, and it gets eaten by a ant? What? No.
You won't regret this, BoJack.
Attention, customers! Please leave and never come back.
Tools! is closed forever.
I'm going Hollywoo! [gasps.]
Please, please! I'm no hero.
I'm just a guy with some bowls full of holes.
Thanks again.
It's funny.
You help out at one disaster area, and, suddenly, everybody loves you, unless you're Sean Penn.
Great PR for Cabracadabra, too.
Yeah, you can't buy that kind of press, and you can buy most kinds of press.
I hope some of that press makes its way to this reader because she is not a fan of Cabracadabra.
- She hates it.
- I don't hate Cabracadabra.
I just think it objectifies women and contributes to a cheap and damaging culture of sexist commodification that undercuts the exact reason it was started in the first place.
But, you know, everything does that.
Cosmo does that.
Kids' movies, athletic gear statues.
Yes, but this objectification of women ended up saving lots of lives, many of whom were also women, so, therefore, not sexist? I can't argue with that.
Well, the good news is, you don't have to anymore, because I'm selling the company! [both.]
Oh! You know, it's really too bad you shut down the agency, because, if you could've held out for just a couple more months, right now, Vim would be rolling in money.
I'm really happy for you, but I'm actually enjoying my time off.
Ralph and I went on vacation.
Can you believe this one had never been to Cairo? Those Egyptians really know how to treat a cat.
And what do you do, Ralph, that you can just hop on a plane to Cairo? Well, I own and operate my own greeting card company, but everywhere I go, I have a free room.
- Oh, because you're a mouse? - What? No.
- Because I'm a Stilton.
- Oh, my God! Like Stilton hotels? - [ringtone playing.]
- I gotta take this.
It's my new agent.
- Hello? - So, anyway [Mr.
Peanutbutter.]
Another offer? That's incredible! - Ralph and I - They want to pay me how much? That is a lot of zeroes.
Sign me up.
[laughing.]
What is he doing? You never take the first offer.
[clears throat.]
Hey, Diane, what have you been up to? Well, I'm just weighing my options.
I don't want to just jump into my next You know what you should do? Ralph's sister Stefani is starting a new website.
It's a feminism/lifestyle/celebrity blog/ newsletter/community hub, and she's looking for a partner/editor/ "bomb-ass super bitch," her words.
You'd be perfect for it.
I'll set a meeting.
Yeah, that could be cool.
Why don't you give her my info? No, no.
I'll just set a meeting.
It's easy.
I'm not doing anything else.
- Except enjoying your time off, right? - Right.
Wow, another amazing offer! It's like everywhere I look, money, money, money! Even ten percent of this would be quite a windfall.
[groans.]
- I like your friends.
- Yeah.
And I like this.
[both.]
Mwah! - This is working.
- I like it, too.
That was smart of you to think of Diane for GirlCrush.
You're always making great connections.
That's probably why you were such a good manager.
- I wasn't a manager.
I was an agent.
- Oh, right.
Sorry.
Well, whatever it was, I'm glad that it's over, because I don't want to share you with anybody.
Oh, my God! Maybe that was the problem! Maybe what was the problem? All this time, I thought I was an agent, but what if what I was really supposed to be was a manager? What's the difference? It's a completely different line of work.
An agent helps a client find jobs, but a manager helps manage a client's career.
- It sounds exactly the same.
- I think I'm having an epiphany.
It's like I've been wearing the wrong bra size this whole time.
Okay, if this is the thing that'll make you happy, then I totally support you, but it kind of sounds like you're just going back to the same sort of job that made you miserable for the last 20 years.
No, Ralph.
Don't you get it? This is a new beginning.
- I'm gonna be a manager! - Oh - Wow.
- Takes you back, doesn't it? Listen, before everyone gets here tomorrow, I have a couple notes on the script.
Too many "yowza-yowza bo-bowzas," or not enough? No.
On page 18, Ethan and the Horse try to get Julia to put on the roller skates, and she runs out of the room crying, and then, the Horse says, "That went well.
" Anything about that feel weird to you? No, see, the Horse is being sarcastic.
It didn't go well.
So, when the Horse says, "That went well," it's funny.
- Dramatic irony.
- No, I get the irony.
That's not the issue.
This is a guaranteed laugh.
You're giving me the cut to commercial.
And that's a problem for you? This is Ethan Around.
It's your show, and we need to tell the audience that.
- You can't give all the best jokes to me.
- I don't know, BoJack.
You really think I'm ready for a "That went well"? - You tell me.
Let's hear it.
- That went well! You're pushing too hard.
The line's funny.
Trust the line.
That went well.
Great.
Now let me hear you throw it away.
- Oh, like a That went well.
- Yes, that was great! And that was a great look, with the eyebrow.
- What if we both did that? - Yeah, yeah.
I'm looking at you like, "This parenting thing is gonna be harder than I thought," and you're looking at me like, "Now you see what I had to go through.
" - Exactly.
Let's try it.
- Well, that went well.
[both.]
Hmm - Oh, my God.
Chills.
- Yeah, you feel that? - Yeah.
- Now that's how you cut to commercial.
That actually went well.
[sitcom music playing.]
This place has really gone downhill since they got that new chef.
As I was saying, I don't think the site needs to be just one thing.
I think it can be a big umbrella, but, like, also not an umbrella.
That's GirlCroosh.
Sorry, did you say "croosh"? Oh, you do not need to apologize here, Diane.
"Sorry" is a crutch and "crutch" is an ableist term.
I'm sorry if that shocks you, but I will not apologize for it.
So, can I ask what the business model is here? Diane, I'm rich.
I'm not doing this to make money.
I'm doing this to make connections with real women and extend my personal brand as a real down-to-earth chica who cares about real women.
Well, you know what's great about that is, if you're not beholden to ad revenue, your writers can Yes! That is exactly the idea, whatever you were about to say.
I want to give you a real support system, because, honestly, Diane, what you do is so croosh.
That shit you said about Hank Hippopopalous last year was supernova red hot badass.
It wasn't even on fleek.
Fleek was on it.
Thank you.
One thing though.
Is anything off limits? Like, if you had to write a piece about your husband, could you do it? - Why would I have to do that? - I don't know.
Because his company is basically Hooters on wheels? - He's actually selling that company.
- Well, he's still a public figure.
What if Mr.
Peanutbutter does something problematic and you have a real hot take? If I have a problem with my husband, I'm gonna talk to him about it directly.
Okay, so what if you did that and he didn't listen, and you knew that, as much as you love him and as much as he loves you, he's never gonna get it? And meanwhile, you also knew that all your readers looked up to you and wanted to read your opinion? Would you write about it then? - You got the job? - I got the job! Oh, my God! Can you believe it? In the same week, I sell a company for millions of dollars and you get a job writing for a blog.
When it rains, it pours, huh? And over here is where you can keep all of your receipts, in your leaning tower of receipts.
I think my client can handle it from here.
This meeting is just to give you and the other former partners your money.
- Sign here.
- Okay.
And here's your check.
That's all this needed to be.
Whoa! This is for eight million dollars.
Well, you are a one-third owner.
What did you expect? Todd, as a millionaire? That'll lead to some interesting stories.
What an exciting development.
How's that gonna change the dynamic? - I guess we're gonna find out, right? - You can leave now.
Hooray! Todd's in the one percent.
Oh, uh - Hey.
- Hi.
[studio audience laughing.]
Julia, this ice cream is only for girls who try on their roller skates.
- So, what do you say? - Uh, I'm gonna swipe left on that idea.
- [audience laughing.]
- Cut! We got a lighting issue.
- What? I'll be in my trailer.
- [audience laughing.]
- Hey, Chloe, that was really funny.
- Thanks.
- Are you having fun? - Mm-hmm.
You got any friends in the audience? No friends, but my mommy and my daddy.
Oh.
You want to know a secret about your mommy and daddy? - What? - They are really proud of you.
Oh, I know that.
What do you want to be when you grow up, Chloe? What do you mean? I want to be like you.
- Like me? - I want to be famous.
Oh, no.
- BoJack? - [stammering.]
Oh, God.
- Is everything okay? - I can't be here.
I can't do this again.
This isn't right.
- What do you mean? - I need to go.
We need to shoot the rest of this episode.
I'm sorry.
I just I don't belong here.
Where are you going? I don't know.
["Stars" playing.]
So, what are you gonna do with your eight million dollars? First, I'm gonna get a really fancy hat, like, really fancy.
Then, I'm gonna get a T-shirt that says, "Hey, look at my hat.
" - [both laugh.]
- What about you? I've always wanted to go to a super nice restaurant and order everything on the menu.
Oh, yeah! That's, like, first day millionaire stuff.
We should go sometime, together.
- Todd, can I ask you something? - Of course.
What's your deal? I feel like you like me, but you don't like me, but you like me, and I don't know what that is.
Are you gay? Whoa.
Why would you even? You can tell me if you're gay.
It's fine.
This isn't the 1600s, or some places in the present.
I'm not gay.
I mean, I don't think I am, but I don't think I'm straight, either.
I don't know what I am.
I think I might be nothing.
- Oh.
Well, that's okay.
- Yeah? Yeah, of course.
[Southern accent.]
Thank you so much.
Oh, crap! I accidentally tipped the waitress eight million dollars! Well, guess I'm broke again.
[both laughing.]
- [doorbell rings.]
- Who could that be? Pizza? Katrina, you're not pizza.
Ugh.
This fight again? Listen, butt-sniffer, I work for a guy and we're looking for a guy.
You're supposed to be this big hero now, so someone brought your name up in a meeting, and, now, I have an opportunity for you.
Oh, is it being married to you again? Because I'd rather get euthanized.
Spoiler alert from Marley & Me.
That wasn't a spoiler until you said the name of the movie.
If you've got a gig for me, you can go through my new manager.
Oh, I'm not talking about a gig.
Then what are you talking about? Oh, my God, this is so classic Katrina! How would you like to be the governor? Whoa.
- Of California? - Yes, of California.
[Diane.]
Who's at the door? Is it pizza? - [phone ringing, faintly.]
- [sighs.]
Welcome back.
Your first meeting's at 10:00, and you have a lunch at 11:30.
- Thank you, Judah.
- Also, I have someone on line two trying to get in touch with BoJack Horseman.
I have no idea how she got this number.
It sounds like it's a teenage girl.
Tell her I don't work for BoJack.
Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry.
We can't help you.
["Stars" continues playing.]
["Stars" continues playing.]
The latest story that I know Is the one that I'm supposed to go out with And the latest story that I know Is the one that I'm supposed to go out with And the latest story that I know Is the one that I'm supposed to go out with And the latest story that I know Is the one that I'm supposed to go out with
Sarah Lynn! Sarah Lynn! [Sarah Lynn.]
Okay, one more song.
I'm gonna slow things down.
- This is "My Heinie Ain't So Tiny.
" - [slow ballad playing.]
[music stops abruptly.]
Sarah Lynn is very tired.
Can you just tell her BoJack's here? Horseman.
I'm an old friend.
Well, I'll tell her, but [groaning.]
[Sarah Lynn.]
BoJack? Oh, my God! Bring him in! - I can't believe you came to my concert.
- It was incredible.
When you sang that one ballad and shot fireworks out of your boobs, that was such a moving tribute to gays in the military.
We are going out.
Before you go, I need you to sign these posters.
It's for charity.
Doctors Without Posters.
Okay.
BoJack, can you hang out for a minute? - Yeah.
I'm not going anywhere.
- Also, we have those radio records, and you're doing the print ads for Sarah Lynn's Stank, the new fragrance from Kevin Kline.
- You mean Calvin Klein.
- Kevin Kline, BoJack.
He's the only man who truly understands my fragrance.
I'll come back in 20 for those posters.
Oh, my God.
Being famous is the worst.
- Ugh! Yeah, you're telling me.
- No, but, like, really famous.
- Uh - How can I explain it to someone like you? I feel like all my friends only like me because I'm Sarah Lynn, you know.
- Nobody cares about Sarah Lipschitz.
- Who's Sarah Lipschitz? The lawyer who helped me change my name from Sarah Helmulfarb.
Oof! It is so great to see a real friend who knew me before I got huge and isn't just trying to get something out of me.
Right.
I swear you are, like, the only one I have left.
I am this close to falling off the deep end.
[laughs.]
I know I'm smiling right now, but the light inside me is dying.
Uh, what? But here I am blah-blah-blah-ing about my own boring, sexy, thrilling life.
What is going on with you? Well, actually, I'm doing this new show, The BoJack Horseman Show.
- I don't know if you've seen it or - Ugh, I'm so busy with the tour.
Yeah, no, of course, no, but it's been a lot of fun.
The ratings aren't great, but we have this upcoming episode, and we're looking for a really big guest star.
Oh.
You want me to be on your show? Well, I just thought it would be really fun for the both of us.
You know, like the old days.
I have the script with me if you want to take a look at it.
Um, okay.
Why don't you put it on that pile over there? And I'll get to it when I have some free time.
- Over here? - Yeah.
I'd love to keep hanging out, but these doctors need their posters, and I'm already pretty exhausted.
You should probably go.
- Oh, okay.
- It's all very exhausting.
Thanks again for coming.
Like I said, it's always nice to see a you.
Yeah.
[male voice.]
Adam Levine has tweeted his sympathies.
"Today we lost an icon.
#SheWillBeLoved #WatchTheVoiceSeason10.
" Again, for those just joining us, actress and pop star Sarah Lynn is dead at 31.
Day 75 at sea, there's a darkness brewing on the horizon.
I feel it.
What say you, skippy? [Todd's voice.]
I think you got a touch of the ocean madness, Margo.
And I think you got a real smart mouth.
You want another night in the box? No, anything but that! Then quit your yappin' and fix Mama a Sazerac.
Hey, is that character actress Margo Martindale? She's on the FBI's Most Wanted list and the AV Club's list of 20 actresses that always make everything better.
- We gotta call this in, right? - That depends.
Are we professional blimp pilots, or are we casting directors? Blimp pilots, sir.
Then we're not being paid to discover underutilized character actresses.
We're being paid to pilot this blimp.
Hey, Margo, do you see something out there across the water? Yeah.
What is that? [choking.]
[horn blaring.]
[British accent.]
All clear from here to Los Angeles.
[British accent.]
We've hit a few delays, but you'll get your precious cargo by tomorrow.
[Italian accent.]
Tomorrow? But the big opening of my restaurant is tonight! How can I offer the real Italian cuisine without my real Italian spaghett'? Spaghett' is how Italian people say "spaghetti.
" We'll get you your pasta.
Better do what he says.
He might have friends in the Mob.
"Friends in the Mob"? That is an ugly stereotype.
[speaking Italian.]
You heard the man.
Set this boat's controls to "faster.
" Aye-aye, Cap'n.
Oh, I see how it is.
Wanna play a game of chicken, huh? I don't think this is a good idea, Margo.
Cram it, skip! Those limp dicks are about to find out what savvy film and television viewers have known for years.
Character actress Margo Martindale ain't afraid of nothin'! The boats are about to collide! We have to do something! You know damn well, when we took to the sky, we made a solemn oath never to meddle in the affairs of land nor sea.
We are sworn but to observe.
This is the blimper's promise.
Oh, no! The boats are tearing each other apart! Crates and crates of spaghetti are pouring out into the ocean! I'm watching the same boat collision you are.
You don't need to narrate it.
[screaming.]
Oh! No! Skippy! He was too pure for this world! Oh, no! The pasta is cooking! If only we had some olive oil to reduce the stickiness.
But olive oil doesn't actually reduce the stickiness in pasta.
That's only a myth.
No! I've wasted so much of my life stirring olive oil into pasta! Disaster al dente off the coast of San Clemente! Twelve tons of pasta have leaked into the ocean, and the massive carbo load is heading straight to Pacific Ocean City.
[screaming.]
Joining us via Google Hangout is spaghetti scientist Carla Hall.
- What can you tell us, Carla? - Well, Tom, as the spaghetti cooks, it will expand, smothering the town and tenderly broiling the sea life who reside there.
Is there any way to prevent this delicious-sounding environmental catastrophe? The only hope for rescue would be if someone had an enormous quantity of spaghetti strainers just sitting around the house, but that person would also need access to a fleet of drivers to transport said spaghetti strainers, and in order to strain the spaghetti fast enough, the drivers would also need to be incredibly strong swimmers, like, just as an example, hot, sexy killer whales.
Is there such a savior who could possibly fit that ridiculously specific set of criteria? I don't know, Tom, but as they used to say on my favorite TV show, let's find out.
A movie, during the day? Dare I? One for Secretariat, please! - [barks.]
- Thank you.
And, now, to turn my phone off.
If anyone needs me in the next two hours, they'll just have to wait.
[Tom on TV.]
This tragedy truly puts the "no" into noodle, the "ruh-roh" in rotelli, and the "oh, man" in manicotti.
Damn it, Randy.
Just pick your best one.
- What's going on? - You didn't hear? They need spaghetti strainers stat, or it's "pasta la vista" for Pacific Ocean City.
- Oh, no! - [crowd screaming.]
[dramatic music playing.]
Come on, come on, come on! Pick up, Mr.
Peanutbutter! - Hello? - Oh! Mr.
Peanutbutter, we need You've reached the voicemail of Mr.
Peanutbutter.
No! [BoJack.]
I'm not just running for me.
I'm running for America.
Oh-ho-ho! Cabracadabblers, to Mr.
Peanutbutter's house! Mr.
Peanutbutter's House the show, or Mr.
Peanutbutter's house the house? The house.
Obviously, the house.
[dramatic music playing.]
Wow, that was a good movie.
Was it Oscar-worthy? Who's to say? Ninety-eight messages? Better listen to them all, in order.
[Todd.]
Mr.
Peanutbutter, call me back as soon as you get this, okay? We need your strainers.
This is life and death.
- Oh, my God! - [Todd.]
Mr.
Peanutbutter, I'm at your house with the entire Cabracadabra fleet, but we can't get in! You need to get over here! It's a spaghetti-strainer- related emergency.
All right, buddy, just as soon as I listen to these other 96 messages.
[man.]
Good afternoon, I'm calling from Center Theater Group.
You saw a play once eight years ago.
I wonder if I could interest you in a full season subscription Oh, I don't have time for this! [grunts.]
[rock music playing.]
If we don't get some kind of miracle Wait! In the distance! Is that? No, it can't be! Spaghetti or not, here I come.
[studio audience laughing.]
Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Sabrina, I'm coming down for my birthday surprise! Oh, no! Well, I've heard of pasta point of no return, but this is ridiculous! - [studio audience laughing.]
- [groans.]
Why didn't you just tell me you made too much spaghetti? I thought if you knew I made a big mess that you wouldn't love me anymore.
- [audience.]
Aw! - Sabrina, that's not going to happen.
We're a family now, no matter what, and I will always be there for you.
Okay.
[grunts.]
Now, get in that kitchen and eat all that spaghetti.
I gotta eat all that? That's too much, man! [studio audience applauds.]
I never understood why the Horsin' Around house - had two sets of stairs.
- What? One in the living room and one in the kitchen.
Why? Have you ever been in a house like that? - What are you doing here? - You didn't answer your phone.
I was worried about you.
[takes deep breath.]
The funeral was huge.
There were so many people there.
I kept thinking, "I did this to her," and everyone was just standing around like, "Well, this was bound to happen," but it wasn't bound to happen.
I'm really sorry, BoJack.
I don't know how to be, Diane.
It doesn't get better and it doesn't get easier.
I can't keep lying to myself, saying "I'm gonna change.
" I'm poison.
- BoJack - I come from poison.
I have poison inside me, and I destroy everything I touch.
That's my legacy.
I have nothing to show for the life that I've lived, and I have nobody in my life who's better off for having known me.
- That isn't true.
- Isn't it, though? [sighs.]
When I was a kid, I used to watch you on TV.
And you know I didn't have the best family.
Things weren't that great for me.
But, for half an hour every week, I got to watch this show about four people who had nobody, who came together and became a family.
And, for half an hour every week, I had a home, and it helped me survive.
BoJack, there are millions of people who are better off for having known you.
Why did you never tell me that? I guess to preserve some fiction of journalistic objectivity.
- Like that's a thing.
- I know you don't want to hear this, but you're too good to be writing Instagram captions for celebrities.
- I'm not just - I'm sorry, but you are.
- You know you are.
- Okay.
Thank you.
And I wish you didn't get so distant after you moved out.
- I'm sorry.
- You know me better than anybody, and you can't not be a part of my life.
Tools! This is Brad.
- I want to do Ethan Around.
- Oh, very funny.
Is this Jeff from Hammers and More? - No, it's me, BoJack Horseman.
- Wait, really? Yeah.
I think now more than ever people need shows like Horsin' Around.
I need a show like Horsin' Around.
Okay, but this isn't like last time, is it? Where you say you want to do it, but then, I find out you don't actually want to do it, and then, your mean publicist yells at me? And, at the airport, on the way home, I get one of those big pretzels, but then, I drop the pretzel on the ground, and it gets eaten by a ant? What? No.
You won't regret this, BoJack.
Attention, customers! Please leave and never come back.
Tools! is closed forever.
I'm going Hollywoo! [gasps.]
Please, please! I'm no hero.
I'm just a guy with some bowls full of holes.
Thanks again.
It's funny.
You help out at one disaster area, and, suddenly, everybody loves you, unless you're Sean Penn.
Great PR for Cabracadabra, too.
Yeah, you can't buy that kind of press, and you can buy most kinds of press.
I hope some of that press makes its way to this reader because she is not a fan of Cabracadabra.
- She hates it.
- I don't hate Cabracadabra.
I just think it objectifies women and contributes to a cheap and damaging culture of sexist commodification that undercuts the exact reason it was started in the first place.
But, you know, everything does that.
Cosmo does that.
Kids' movies, athletic gear statues.
Yes, but this objectification of women ended up saving lots of lives, many of whom were also women, so, therefore, not sexist? I can't argue with that.
Well, the good news is, you don't have to anymore, because I'm selling the company! [both.]
Oh! You know, it's really too bad you shut down the agency, because, if you could've held out for just a couple more months, right now, Vim would be rolling in money.
I'm really happy for you, but I'm actually enjoying my time off.
Ralph and I went on vacation.
Can you believe this one had never been to Cairo? Those Egyptians really know how to treat a cat.
And what do you do, Ralph, that you can just hop on a plane to Cairo? Well, I own and operate my own greeting card company, but everywhere I go, I have a free room.
- Oh, because you're a mouse? - What? No.
- Because I'm a Stilton.
- Oh, my God! Like Stilton hotels? - [ringtone playing.]
- I gotta take this.
It's my new agent.
- Hello? - So, anyway [Mr.
Peanutbutter.]
Another offer? That's incredible! - Ralph and I - They want to pay me how much? That is a lot of zeroes.
Sign me up.
[laughing.]
What is he doing? You never take the first offer.
[clears throat.]
Hey, Diane, what have you been up to? Well, I'm just weighing my options.
I don't want to just jump into my next You know what you should do? Ralph's sister Stefani is starting a new website.
It's a feminism/lifestyle/celebrity blog/ newsletter/community hub, and she's looking for a partner/editor/ "bomb-ass super bitch," her words.
You'd be perfect for it.
I'll set a meeting.
Yeah, that could be cool.
Why don't you give her my info? No, no.
I'll just set a meeting.
It's easy.
I'm not doing anything else.
- Except enjoying your time off, right? - Right.
Wow, another amazing offer! It's like everywhere I look, money, money, money! Even ten percent of this would be quite a windfall.
[groans.]
- I like your friends.
- Yeah.
And I like this.
[both.]
Mwah! - This is working.
- I like it, too.
That was smart of you to think of Diane for GirlCrush.
You're always making great connections.
That's probably why you were such a good manager.
- I wasn't a manager.
I was an agent.
- Oh, right.
Sorry.
Well, whatever it was, I'm glad that it's over, because I don't want to share you with anybody.
Oh, my God! Maybe that was the problem! Maybe what was the problem? All this time, I thought I was an agent, but what if what I was really supposed to be was a manager? What's the difference? It's a completely different line of work.
An agent helps a client find jobs, but a manager helps manage a client's career.
- It sounds exactly the same.
- I think I'm having an epiphany.
It's like I've been wearing the wrong bra size this whole time.
Okay, if this is the thing that'll make you happy, then I totally support you, but it kind of sounds like you're just going back to the same sort of job that made you miserable for the last 20 years.
No, Ralph.
Don't you get it? This is a new beginning.
- I'm gonna be a manager! - Oh - Wow.
- Takes you back, doesn't it? Listen, before everyone gets here tomorrow, I have a couple notes on the script.
Too many "yowza-yowza bo-bowzas," or not enough? No.
On page 18, Ethan and the Horse try to get Julia to put on the roller skates, and she runs out of the room crying, and then, the Horse says, "That went well.
" Anything about that feel weird to you? No, see, the Horse is being sarcastic.
It didn't go well.
So, when the Horse says, "That went well," it's funny.
- Dramatic irony.
- No, I get the irony.
That's not the issue.
This is a guaranteed laugh.
You're giving me the cut to commercial.
And that's a problem for you? This is Ethan Around.
It's your show, and we need to tell the audience that.
- You can't give all the best jokes to me.
- I don't know, BoJack.
You really think I'm ready for a "That went well"? - You tell me.
Let's hear it.
- That went well! You're pushing too hard.
The line's funny.
Trust the line.
That went well.
Great.
Now let me hear you throw it away.
- Oh, like a That went well.
- Yes, that was great! And that was a great look, with the eyebrow.
- What if we both did that? - Yeah, yeah.
I'm looking at you like, "This parenting thing is gonna be harder than I thought," and you're looking at me like, "Now you see what I had to go through.
" - Exactly.
Let's try it.
- Well, that went well.
[both.]
Hmm - Oh, my God.
Chills.
- Yeah, you feel that? - Yeah.
- Now that's how you cut to commercial.
That actually went well.
[sitcom music playing.]
This place has really gone downhill since they got that new chef.
As I was saying, I don't think the site needs to be just one thing.
I think it can be a big umbrella, but, like, also not an umbrella.
That's GirlCroosh.
Sorry, did you say "croosh"? Oh, you do not need to apologize here, Diane.
"Sorry" is a crutch and "crutch" is an ableist term.
I'm sorry if that shocks you, but I will not apologize for it.
So, can I ask what the business model is here? Diane, I'm rich.
I'm not doing this to make money.
I'm doing this to make connections with real women and extend my personal brand as a real down-to-earth chica who cares about real women.
Well, you know what's great about that is, if you're not beholden to ad revenue, your writers can Yes! That is exactly the idea, whatever you were about to say.
I want to give you a real support system, because, honestly, Diane, what you do is so croosh.
That shit you said about Hank Hippopopalous last year was supernova red hot badass.
It wasn't even on fleek.
Fleek was on it.
Thank you.
One thing though.
Is anything off limits? Like, if you had to write a piece about your husband, could you do it? - Why would I have to do that? - I don't know.
Because his company is basically Hooters on wheels? - He's actually selling that company.
- Well, he's still a public figure.
What if Mr.
Peanutbutter does something problematic and you have a real hot take? If I have a problem with my husband, I'm gonna talk to him about it directly.
Okay, so what if you did that and he didn't listen, and you knew that, as much as you love him and as much as he loves you, he's never gonna get it? And meanwhile, you also knew that all your readers looked up to you and wanted to read your opinion? Would you write about it then? - You got the job? - I got the job! Oh, my God! Can you believe it? In the same week, I sell a company for millions of dollars and you get a job writing for a blog.
When it rains, it pours, huh? And over here is where you can keep all of your receipts, in your leaning tower of receipts.
I think my client can handle it from here.
This meeting is just to give you and the other former partners your money.
- Sign here.
- Okay.
And here's your check.
That's all this needed to be.
Whoa! This is for eight million dollars.
Well, you are a one-third owner.
What did you expect? Todd, as a millionaire? That'll lead to some interesting stories.
What an exciting development.
How's that gonna change the dynamic? - I guess we're gonna find out, right? - You can leave now.
Hooray! Todd's in the one percent.
Oh, uh - Hey.
- Hi.
[studio audience laughing.]
Julia, this ice cream is only for girls who try on their roller skates.
- So, what do you say? - Uh, I'm gonna swipe left on that idea.
- [audience laughing.]
- Cut! We got a lighting issue.
- What? I'll be in my trailer.
- [audience laughing.]
- Hey, Chloe, that was really funny.
- Thanks.
- Are you having fun? - Mm-hmm.
You got any friends in the audience? No friends, but my mommy and my daddy.
Oh.
You want to know a secret about your mommy and daddy? - What? - They are really proud of you.
Oh, I know that.
What do you want to be when you grow up, Chloe? What do you mean? I want to be like you.
- Like me? - I want to be famous.
Oh, no.
- BoJack? - [stammering.]
Oh, God.
- Is everything okay? - I can't be here.
I can't do this again.
This isn't right.
- What do you mean? - I need to go.
We need to shoot the rest of this episode.
I'm sorry.
I just I don't belong here.
Where are you going? I don't know.
["Stars" playing.]
So, what are you gonna do with your eight million dollars? First, I'm gonna get a really fancy hat, like, really fancy.
Then, I'm gonna get a T-shirt that says, "Hey, look at my hat.
" - [both laugh.]
- What about you? I've always wanted to go to a super nice restaurant and order everything on the menu.
Oh, yeah! That's, like, first day millionaire stuff.
We should go sometime, together.
- Todd, can I ask you something? - Of course.
What's your deal? I feel like you like me, but you don't like me, but you like me, and I don't know what that is.
Are you gay? Whoa.
Why would you even? You can tell me if you're gay.
It's fine.
This isn't the 1600s, or some places in the present.
I'm not gay.
I mean, I don't think I am, but I don't think I'm straight, either.
I don't know what I am.
I think I might be nothing.
- Oh.
Well, that's okay.
- Yeah? Yeah, of course.
[Southern accent.]
Thank you so much.
Oh, crap! I accidentally tipped the waitress eight million dollars! Well, guess I'm broke again.
[both laughing.]
- [doorbell rings.]
- Who could that be? Pizza? Katrina, you're not pizza.
Ugh.
This fight again? Listen, butt-sniffer, I work for a guy and we're looking for a guy.
You're supposed to be this big hero now, so someone brought your name up in a meeting, and, now, I have an opportunity for you.
Oh, is it being married to you again? Because I'd rather get euthanized.
Spoiler alert from Marley & Me.
That wasn't a spoiler until you said the name of the movie.
If you've got a gig for me, you can go through my new manager.
Oh, I'm not talking about a gig.
Then what are you talking about? Oh, my God, this is so classic Katrina! How would you like to be the governor? Whoa.
- Of California? - Yes, of California.
[Diane.]
Who's at the door? Is it pizza? - [phone ringing, faintly.]
- [sighs.]
Welcome back.
Your first meeting's at 10:00, and you have a lunch at 11:30.
- Thank you, Judah.
- Also, I have someone on line two trying to get in touch with BoJack Horseman.
I have no idea how she got this number.
It sounds like it's a teenage girl.
Tell her I don't work for BoJack.
Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry.
We can't help you.
["Stars" continues playing.]
["Stars" continues playing.]
The latest story that I know Is the one that I'm supposed to go out with And the latest story that I know Is the one that I'm supposed to go out with And the latest story that I know Is the one that I'm supposed to go out with And the latest story that I know Is the one that I'm supposed to go out with