Childrens Hospital (2010) s03e12 Episode Script
The Chet Episode
Previously on Childrens Hospital A sexy handicapped doctor I'd like to show her my sexy costume.
No, no, Chief! It -- it's me -- Chet.
Oh, my gosh.
Thank God.
I'd like to take this opportunity to invite myself to the wedding you're going to.
- Oh, I don't -- - Now, you can't say no because I know you've asked everybody, and you're in a real jam, and you're afraid of offending me And I might also be dangerous.
And I might also be dangerous.
This is actually an emergency.
My daughter needs help now.
Oh, okay.
Which one's your daughter again? - What do we got? - Nine-year-old, unconscious.
Now, there's no sign of head or spinal trauma.
Hey, sick-person delivery boy, not interested.
Someone get this bald dildo out of here, huh? Can you imagine a dildo without hair? - Yeah! Yeah, I know! - You don't laugh with us! Still.
What is it that you wanted? I am begging you.
My daughter needs treatment now! - D'oh! Watch where you're going! - Sorry.
- Hey, Chief.
- Oh, hey, Chuck.
My name is Chet.
Actually, I wanted to ask you a question.
Um, you put stuff in your mouth, right? Because I know this cozy little spot where we can sit across from each other, and you can shove stuff in your mouth, and I'll shove stuff into my mouth.
And then we'll bite down on it a bunch of times like this.
Aar! Aar! Hey, Chimp.
Your ambulance is blocking my driveway, and your presence is blocking my peace of mind.
Could you move them both, please? Thank you.
It's not okay.
Okay! Okay! Get in there! All right! I want you to admit my daughter! They say that there's someone out there for everyone.
For every puzzle piece, there's another one that fits it just right.
But not for me.
Someday, a real storm will come and smash those puzzle pieces up.
Then they'll be broken, just like me, and they'll -- - Talking to yourself again? - Oh, God! You scared me, Shane.
You didn't ask "Chief" out, did you? No, I tried to, but I got interrupted.
When you want something, you got to just take it.
Well, I'm not like you, Shane.
It's hard for me to talk to girls.
You know, that's your problem.
Too much talk, not enough action.
For instance, Chet, I think you're beautiful, and I would really like to go out with you.
What are you talking about? I've always been attracted to you, and I could make you feel so good if you'd just give me the chance.
What? I'd love to put my hands on those fine breasts.
What? Stop it.
You're bad! You see what I did? Oh.
Oh, wow! You were exuding so much confidence that you had me believing I was a woman.
1-Arkin-12, 1-Arkin-12.
We have a 21-19 on Copy? Copy that, dispatch.
On our way.
I'm gonna have to meet up with you later.
But you never go on calls with me.
You just give me this advice and then you leave.
So I drive.
Alone again.
The life of a paramedic is a lonely one.
Hi, I'm Chet.
Is this your dad or your boyfriend? 1-Sandler-12, 1-Sandler-12.
Can you go to Grown Ups Hospital and pick up a cooler of donor hearts? Copy that, dispatch.
I tell myself I'd been given this job because they trust me.
Grown-ups only.
I almost believe that only I can safely deliver a cooler full of human hearts to the empty chests of waiting patients.
Hyah! Aah! Aaaaaaah! Suicide.
The only answer.
- Where we going? - Aah! Stop doing that! How'd you get in here so quietly? Hey, you ask Chief out yet? No.
And I never will, so just forget about it.
Dude, go to the hospital.
I'll hide in the closet and feed you cool lines, like in that sitcom.
No.
Besides, I can't go to the hospital without official business.
Then let's make some official business.
You see that girl there? Hit her with the ambulance and we have official business.
- That's nuts.
- Chet, come on! This is your life.
Do it! Take what's yours, by any means necessary! It's just a kid.
Aah! Ooh! Holy crap.
Oh, my -- I didn't think you'd actually do it! This is crazy.
Just help me with this kid! I can't.
I'm out of here.
You know what, Shane? I'm starting to understand why you suddenly have to leave all the time.
You're imaginary! - What? - You're imaginary! It all makes sense now.
Aah! Stop doing that! How'd you get in here so quietly? You had me believing I was a woman.
I'm starting to understand why you suddenly have to leave all the time.
You're imaginary! It all makes sense now.
You're an imaginary friend that I made up because I'm crazy.
You're the projection of the self I wish I was! That's why you can't help me.
No.
I can't help you because I'm on probation, and I have some ecstasy in my sock.
I don't need you anymore.
Let's get you in the back.
That's okay.
I am coming in.
Doo, doo doo Doo, doo doo Where's Chief?! Do a C-Spine and give me an amp of D50.
- His pulse-ox is dropping.
- We're losing him! Wait.
We shouldn't be wasting all these cool medical terms on this guy.
We're almost out.
Yeah.
I am getting pretty bored, anyway.
Fun day, though, right? All this hostage stuff? It was, yeah.
Oh, and the towel fight this morning.
- Oh, my God.
- You're naughty! Yeah.
Goodbye, guy we don't really care about.
- Bye-bye.
- See ya.
- I'm gonna save you, buddy! - No! You can't save me! You're not real! Only I can save myself - By killing you.
- Huh? I have to kill the imaginary part of me.
Only then will I truly be free.
What? No, Chet! - Now we're both free! - Chet, no! Oh, my God! That paramedic just shot Shane! No.
Shane's the coolest dude at Childrens! - Come on! - Let's help him.
Crap.
I don't need you anymore.
Suicide.
The only answer.
- Where we going? - Aah! Someone get this bald dildo out of here, huh? You can shove stuff in your mouth, and I'll shove stuff into my mouth, and then we'll bite down on it a bunch of times like this.
- Hey, man.
- Hey, man.
I'm sorry.
I totally thought you were not real.
Oh, it's okay, dude.
Sometimes I come off as fake because I like to par-tay No! Okay.
Clear.
Hey.
There you are.
We were getting worried about you.
- Who else? - Well, just me.
Everybody else is kind of mad 'cause you killed Shane.
Oh, yeah.
But I missed you.
I missed you, too, Chief.
Hey, maybe sometime you and I could go get some food and then put it in our mouths, like you could put in yours -- Shut up, Chaps.
Hey! Dummy, when are they taking you to jail? We need this bed.
Hey! This business is between me and Chief.
Chief? Uh, who's "Chief"? You didn't ask "Chief" out, did you? And I shove stuff in my mouth She's not real, dude.
No one's there.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Staff -- if you see Shane, Please tell him he's my best friend.
That is all.
No, no, Chief! It -- it's me -- Chet.
Oh, my gosh.
Thank God.
I'd like to take this opportunity to invite myself to the wedding you're going to.
- Oh, I don't -- - Now, you can't say no because I know you've asked everybody, and you're in a real jam, and you're afraid of offending me And I might also be dangerous.
And I might also be dangerous.
This is actually an emergency.
My daughter needs help now.
Oh, okay.
Which one's your daughter again? - What do we got? - Nine-year-old, unconscious.
Now, there's no sign of head or spinal trauma.
Hey, sick-person delivery boy, not interested.
Someone get this bald dildo out of here, huh? Can you imagine a dildo without hair? - Yeah! Yeah, I know! - You don't laugh with us! Still.
What is it that you wanted? I am begging you.
My daughter needs treatment now! - D'oh! Watch where you're going! - Sorry.
- Hey, Chief.
- Oh, hey, Chuck.
My name is Chet.
Actually, I wanted to ask you a question.
Um, you put stuff in your mouth, right? Because I know this cozy little spot where we can sit across from each other, and you can shove stuff in your mouth, and I'll shove stuff into my mouth.
And then we'll bite down on it a bunch of times like this.
Aar! Aar! Hey, Chimp.
Your ambulance is blocking my driveway, and your presence is blocking my peace of mind.
Could you move them both, please? Thank you.
It's not okay.
Okay! Okay! Get in there! All right! I want you to admit my daughter! They say that there's someone out there for everyone.
For every puzzle piece, there's another one that fits it just right.
But not for me.
Someday, a real storm will come and smash those puzzle pieces up.
Then they'll be broken, just like me, and they'll -- - Talking to yourself again? - Oh, God! You scared me, Shane.
You didn't ask "Chief" out, did you? No, I tried to, but I got interrupted.
When you want something, you got to just take it.
Well, I'm not like you, Shane.
It's hard for me to talk to girls.
You know, that's your problem.
Too much talk, not enough action.
For instance, Chet, I think you're beautiful, and I would really like to go out with you.
What are you talking about? I've always been attracted to you, and I could make you feel so good if you'd just give me the chance.
What? I'd love to put my hands on those fine breasts.
What? Stop it.
You're bad! You see what I did? Oh.
Oh, wow! You were exuding so much confidence that you had me believing I was a woman.
1-Arkin-12, 1-Arkin-12.
We have a 21-19 on Copy? Copy that, dispatch.
On our way.
I'm gonna have to meet up with you later.
But you never go on calls with me.
You just give me this advice and then you leave.
So I drive.
Alone again.
The life of a paramedic is a lonely one.
Hi, I'm Chet.
Is this your dad or your boyfriend? 1-Sandler-12, 1-Sandler-12.
Can you go to Grown Ups Hospital and pick up a cooler of donor hearts? Copy that, dispatch.
I tell myself I'd been given this job because they trust me.
Grown-ups only.
I almost believe that only I can safely deliver a cooler full of human hearts to the empty chests of waiting patients.
Hyah! Aah! Aaaaaaah! Suicide.
The only answer.
- Where we going? - Aah! Stop doing that! How'd you get in here so quietly? Hey, you ask Chief out yet? No.
And I never will, so just forget about it.
Dude, go to the hospital.
I'll hide in the closet and feed you cool lines, like in that sitcom.
No.
Besides, I can't go to the hospital without official business.
Then let's make some official business.
You see that girl there? Hit her with the ambulance and we have official business.
- That's nuts.
- Chet, come on! This is your life.
Do it! Take what's yours, by any means necessary! It's just a kid.
Aah! Ooh! Holy crap.
Oh, my -- I didn't think you'd actually do it! This is crazy.
Just help me with this kid! I can't.
I'm out of here.
You know what, Shane? I'm starting to understand why you suddenly have to leave all the time.
You're imaginary! - What? - You're imaginary! It all makes sense now.
Aah! Stop doing that! How'd you get in here so quietly? You had me believing I was a woman.
I'm starting to understand why you suddenly have to leave all the time.
You're imaginary! It all makes sense now.
You're an imaginary friend that I made up because I'm crazy.
You're the projection of the self I wish I was! That's why you can't help me.
No.
I can't help you because I'm on probation, and I have some ecstasy in my sock.
I don't need you anymore.
Let's get you in the back.
That's okay.
I am coming in.
Doo, doo doo Doo, doo doo Where's Chief?! Do a C-Spine and give me an amp of D50.
- His pulse-ox is dropping.
- We're losing him! Wait.
We shouldn't be wasting all these cool medical terms on this guy.
We're almost out.
Yeah.
I am getting pretty bored, anyway.
Fun day, though, right? All this hostage stuff? It was, yeah.
Oh, and the towel fight this morning.
- Oh, my God.
- You're naughty! Yeah.
Goodbye, guy we don't really care about.
- Bye-bye.
- See ya.
- I'm gonna save you, buddy! - No! You can't save me! You're not real! Only I can save myself - By killing you.
- Huh? I have to kill the imaginary part of me.
Only then will I truly be free.
What? No, Chet! - Now we're both free! - Chet, no! Oh, my God! That paramedic just shot Shane! No.
Shane's the coolest dude at Childrens! - Come on! - Let's help him.
Crap.
I don't need you anymore.
Suicide.
The only answer.
- Where we going? - Aah! Someone get this bald dildo out of here, huh? You can shove stuff in your mouth, and I'll shove stuff into my mouth, and then we'll bite down on it a bunch of times like this.
- Hey, man.
- Hey, man.
I'm sorry.
I totally thought you were not real.
Oh, it's okay, dude.
Sometimes I come off as fake because I like to par-tay No! Okay.
Clear.
Hey.
There you are.
We were getting worried about you.
- Who else? - Well, just me.
Everybody else is kind of mad 'cause you killed Shane.
Oh, yeah.
But I missed you.
I missed you, too, Chief.
Hey, maybe sometime you and I could go get some food and then put it in our mouths, like you could put in yours -- Shut up, Chaps.
Hey! Dummy, when are they taking you to jail? We need this bed.
Hey! This business is between me and Chief.
Chief? Uh, who's "Chief"? You didn't ask "Chief" out, did you? And I shove stuff in my mouth She's not real, dude.
No one's there.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Staff -- if you see Shane, Please tell him he's my best friend.
That is all.