Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s03e12 Episode Script
Trent?!
1 Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Rebecca Bunch, I have loved you since the moment that I saw you freshman year in the cafeteria.
This isn't happening.
You know what they say One person's blackmailing is another person's love story.
Have you ever noticed how when a male patient dies, he's all like, beep But when a female patient dies, she's like beep, beep, beep! I'm so glad we're in business together.
You're so good at charts and getting deals on stuff.
That's so sexy.
- God, Boggle.
- What? Oh This should never happen again after this.
Absolutely, this is the last time.
Last time.
The last time.
You're seeing someone else, she's your girlfriend, and I'm your "friend.
" - So it's possible I may have ordered - a hit on Nathaniel's girlfriend Mona.
But it's okay, I undid it this morning immediately.
At least I tried to.
Hope I did.
I think I did.
I probably did.
The last few months have meant a lot to me.
And if that's what you want, I'll forget about everything else - and everyone else, for you.
- HEATHER: So, do you have to, like, study, everywhere we go? I have a final.
It's an ethics class.
It's hard.
Well, just copy your ethics off someone else.
Right? Also, Rebecca, what's up with the knitting? Um, it's crocheting, and she's trying to relax.
(whispering): She and Nathaniel are (whispering): Hey, yeah, so maybe there's a better mime we can do around someone who survived a suicide attempt.
It's fine, yes.
Nathaniel and I are done.
Okay? Clearly, I wasn't ready to be in a relationship.
Also, he was seeing someone else.
That always works out great.
Exactly, it did not work out.
Which is great, because now I get some well-deserved me time.
Yeah, I get some hot Rebecca-on-Rebecca action.
Yeah, I don't need a man.
And you know what says that? This soon-to-be afghan.
- I like that attitude.
- You go, girl.
- Other supportive girl thing.
- Yeah.
You know what, from now on, my life is gonna get an A-plus on the Bechdel test.
Well, actually, since the Bechdel test is a measure of how often women talk about men, the act of talking about the Bechdel test kind of technically means you've failed the Bechdel test.
Okay, thank you, feminism referee.
And you know what the best thing is about being alone, potentially forever? I know what the future holds now.
The way ahead is clear, and I know exactly what I need to do next.
It's an afghan.
It's come to this like I knew it would Since I'm now single for good I know just what I gotta do I gotta go get myself a buttload of cats A buttload of cats A buttload of cats Way too many cats When you're a permanent bachelorette It's mandatory that you go out and get A buttload of cats Oh, yeah I walk myself down to the Lonely Lady Cat Store The smell is overwhelming inside This is the future smell of my house It's the smell of my dreams that have died And cats! I walk up to the cat shelf Where the cats are labeled big and small The saleslady asks, "Is there one you like?" And I state, "I'll take them all" I want a buttload of cats Meow, a buttload of cats Gimme a buttload of cats Meow, a buttload of cats, meow Yes.
The saleslady's pumped She's closing early And headed home to her sad walk-up apartment Filled with her own buttload of cats Meow, meow, meow That she got at a discount Meow, meow, meow 'Cause she works at the cat store Meow, meow, meow Meow, meow, meow Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow Why have cats over time become Synonymous with loneliness? We gotta work on our collective image We need a new publicist The ironic part is we're not that friendly If you're lonely, we might make it worse Also, we sleep, like, 16 hours a day Have you considered getting a dog? Nope, I want a buttload of you guys Okay, we warned you A buttload of cats We're gonna ruin your couch There's a lot of evidence that Organisms in cat poop make you crazy Yes, we saw that article in The Atlantic And then we peed on The Atlantic But I still want a buttload of cats! (cats hiss) Oh, my God, it's so nice to connect with someone.
I feel so much less alone now.
Do you want to get out of here and talk more about our cats? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh.
Oh.
Hey, where are you ladies going? We're all supposed to be lonely.
I like tabbies.
Oh - REBECCA: Mmm oh, yeah.
- I'm digging this.
Quiet night in by myself.
I can finally hear myself think.
- I can hear you think, too.
- (screams) Wha wha wha Rebecca.
Trent?! Oh, my God! What are you doing here?! I'm just a boy in love La-la-la, lovey-dove I can't be held responsible for my actions Ooh, he's a male ingenue I have no underlying issues to address I'm certifiably cute and adorably obsessed They say love makes you crazy Therefore, you can't call him crazy 'Cause when you call him crazy You're just calling him in love.
Blam! I said "Blam.
" Yeah, I heard you.
So, what, you just never heard back from Rebecca? No.
I basically offered to give up everything for her, and the next thing you know, I got this text.
- - And then I sent that text.
- And that was it.
- Huh.
Rebecca and I see each other at work, and we just act like the whole thing never happened.
- Yeah, that sounds healthy.
- Yeah, well What's wrong, baby? You thirsty? Want some water? Hey, uh, quick question, why is it that all of my friends, including you, are in love with Rebecca? Does she have a magic vagina? No.
She has a great one, though.
And she does like when I refer to it as the Sorting Hat.
(chuckles) Harry Potter dirty talk.
Don't worry about it.
Yikes.
So, uh so what's going on with Mona, then? You still seeing her? I've just been avoiding her, which is ridiculous.
I keep telling her that work is crazy.
It's not crazy.
- It's not fair to her, you know? - Hmm.
Mona's great.
She doesn't deserve this.
Yeah, I know.
It's pretty crappy what you're doing.
Ah, there it is.
There's that famous judginess I've heard so much about.
I'm even getting it from your dog down there.
Hello.
(snorts, barks) That's a good boy.
Look, I know I should move on, okay? I just can't seem to do it.
I don't know, I guess a part of me is hoping that Rebecca will come around eventually.
(sighs, groans) When will I ever get the message? REBECCA: When are you gonna get the message, Trent? I don't want to see you.
Okay, Paula told me it was you that gave Josh my medical records right before my wedding.
You almost ruined my life, maniac! You mean saved your life, lover? No.
You blowing up my wedding, uh, kind of put me on the path - to almost killing myself, so - Oh, come on, that's a reach.
I mean, take some responsibility for your actions.
I saved you from being in a marriage you didn't even want.
And now I'm here to claim my prize for a job well done.
You.
What? Here to claim your prize? It's been months.
I mean, where the hell have you been? Oh, you have no idea what I've done to fight my way back to you.
After I dropped the documents off to Josh Here you go.
all I had to do was wait for your wedding to fail.
So I rented a drone with a camera, and I watched as your wedding fell apart.
Victory! Then I tracked you to the weirdly foreboding Covina Inn and Suites.
I knew you were alone.
All I had to do was claim my prize, my princess.
I'm coming to rescue you, Rebecca.
And just as I was about to save you from your tower (train whistle blows) I heard the sound of a train.
You know how I feel about clowns and trains.
(horn honks) Ironic, then, that I was hit by a bus and not a train.
That was the beginning of the worst months of my life.
Every bone in my body was broken, except, unfortunately, my ear bones.
Hey, Trent, how you doing, buddy? Oh, that's right.
You can't talk.
Ooh-hoo, my favorite kind of audience.
Would you mind hearing some of my new stand-up set? So, this patient comes in with a yellowish discoloration of the skin.
His name was Jack Nicholson.
(chuckles) He says, uh, "Here's Jaundice!" I have, like, maybe 40 more.
Can I run them by you? I spent the next six months of my life in terrible pain.
She's always got to go collect the urine sample - with all the other female patients.
- Both physically I used to call it the dab ointment and lean.
and comedically.
Gynecological obstetrics! Till one day I could no longer take it and I mustered all of my energy and I broke free from my casts.
(shouting) I knew Dr.
Roth would have the authorities out there looking for me.
He was developing a one-man show, and he needed my help.
So I stole a hog and decided to head out to the desert to recuperate.
I holed up in a cave in the Mojave.
And I hung with a pack of coyotes, and they taught me how to howl again.
(coyotes howling) (Trent howling) That's when I knew that I was ready to find my way back to you.
So I Wazed directions back towards the Brooks Brothers at the Desert Hills Premium Outlets to find myself some clothes.
I'm an outlet guy.
And I came here.
Oh, my God! Mm-hmm.
I mean, that's the most insane story I've ever heard.
Honestly, I'd be impressed if I weren't so disgusted by you as a person.
Okay, so just You told me your story, now get out of here, Trent.
All right, your timing couldn't be worse.
I am not looking for anything right now.
I'm browsing cat websites.
I'm-I'm making a crocheted blanket for Darryl's baby.
Why am I tell you this? Just get out.
You leave me no choice, then.
I'm gonna have to blackmail you into being my girlfriend again.
Yeah, buddy, you can't blackmail me, okay? Everyone already knows all of my top secret personal info, thanks to you.
Oh, I have way better info than that now.
Does Pretzel365 ring a bell? Perhaps a handle that you used on a little thing we like to call the Dark Web? (horror music plays) How do you know about the Dark Web? (chuckles) The Dark Web is my playground, baby.
I have a Dark Web alert on your I.
P.
address.
(horror music plays) I saw that, one night, you were trying to take a hit out on a girl called Mona.
- (horror music plays) - I have all the info.
I printed out a hard copy 'cause hard copies just have more gravitas.
There you go.
No.
No, no, no.
No, no.
Oh, my God, but I was out of my mind on hormones, and I undid it all the next day.
I never meant to hurt anyone.
Oh, cool.
So you don't mind if I distribute that to everyone, and you get arrested and disbarred and sent to prison for solicitation of murder for hire under federal statute 18, U.
S.
C.
1958? (laughs) Whee! I'm your boyfriend again.
Mm, any update on that Jessica Alba charity event? I told you, we're not getting that party.
Every event planning company in town is pursuing it.
But you know her.
I L.
A.
know her.
I spun next to her, I juiced behind her, and one time, I was at a gifting suite in front of her.
That's the extent of it.
I texted her assistant, but we're not gonna hear back.
Beth, we need a really cool party to get a lot of attention and raise our profile.
I mean, nothing could possibly lower our profile.
We work out of a children's baseball bar.
I just want to work on classy events with classy people.
JOSH: What up, Home Base? DJ Disc Joshy is in the house! Always Oh, God, he's terrible.
How did he even do ? Everything that I do Hey, Valencia.
Hey, Valencia's girlfriend, because she has girlfriends now, and that's so cool.
Hey, Josh.
Uh, you know, you can call me Beth now.
We've met a couple times.
- See? You're so cool.
- (laughing): Thank you.
Turn that thing off.
We're working.
- Oh.
I know you're working, - (music stops) and that's exactly why I'm here.
Here to pitch to you my DJ services.
Oh, I've been deejaying at my club, and I ran into Monica F.
from high school, who said her little sister's having a sweet 16 at the rec center, and she's gonna ask you to plan the party.
And I got your DJ right here.
Me.
It's me.
(laughs) I'm not doing that party.
She already asked me; I said no.
V, we can't turn down events, any events.
We work here.
We have to buy onion rings every hour just to keep the Wi-Fi going.
We're doing the party.
JOSH: Awesome.
Hire me.
- I'll do it for free.
- Great, you're hired.
Also, you're not very good at negotiating.
VALENCIA: Okay, fine.
But if we're doing it, we're doing it my way, chic and elegant.
Great.
As long as I pick the music.
Absolutely not.
But that's all a DJ does.
No.
They also bring in equipment and push buttons.
But can we at least do the Royal? I've been dying for a kid's party - to expose it to a new generation.
- The Royal? Oh, God, don't listen to him.
Shut up about it, Josh.
Oh, the Royal is the best.
Okay.
Uh, it's a dance Valencia and I did in high school when we were voted homecoming queen and king.
Royal, get it? - Oh, yeah.
'Cause of - I said, shut up.
Josh, no Royal, no cheesy music; that is not my personal brand.
Whatever you say.
I as long as I got this gig, I'm happy.
- Fine.
You've got the gig.
- (grunts) - Thank you.
- (grunts) Also, never touch me again.
Oh, cool.
Is she still like that? (chuckles) That takes me back to when we were dating.
But you know what I'm talking about, right, Beth? (laughs) I don't have that problem, Josh.
Yeah.
O-Okay.
REBECCA: Oh, so glad we're back together.
And that was a great 19th game of Scrabble.
Um, great bingo with "quixotry.
" Yeah.
Triple letter score, plus 50 bonus points I win.
Yeah.
Well played.
It's been so fun staying up all night.
Um, hey, so could I have my phone back now? No.
First, we have to play Settlers of Catan and then Ticket to Ride, and then maybe we can talk about you getting your phone back.
Hey, instead of board games, how about we do something more immediate.
- Sex? - No.
Uh I would like to show off my pookie.
Wait.
Me? I'm your pookie? No one has ever called me a pookie before.
This is crazy.
Well, today's your lucky day.
I would like to take you to my office and show you around.
Everyone will be there today, except for, sadly, Nathaniel, he'll be in a meeting, but everyone else will be there.
And you can see Paula.
I-I didn't think we'd get here this fast.
I mean, I-I didn't expect to get here until around month four in our relationship, but I knew you'd come around.
Yes.
Well, that's what's happening.
Ooh, I got you a pretty dress for when we promenade.
I'll go get it.
(giggling): Great.
Okay.
(elevator bell dings) (sighs) Say what we worked out in the car.
Uh, hi, everybody.
(clears throat) This is Trent, my ex.
Uh, we're now back together.
Yeah.
Is there anything else you want to say to this room full - of people, baby girl? - Right.
Um I know that I said I wanted to live a life of quiet loneliness, but then Trent came back.
Um, Trent is the love of my life.
He is - the Pyramus to my Thisbe.
- (mouthing) (sighs) Wow.
That was, that was beautiful.
- Trent.
- Hey.
So good to see you.
- Thank you.
- Look at you two.
Finally together.
Will they? Won't they? I guess they will.
- (laughs) - So listen.
I have a gushing period, and I need Rebecca's help for a minute, so can you spare her? What kind of help? Ah, okay.
Well, you know, with me, it's like a four-hand job.
I mean, I got to I'm putting in menstrual cups, a-a tampon, maybe a pillow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just it's really (muttering) NC-17 graphic, so can I go with her, um, my love? Yes, of course.
You know I think menstruation is beautiful.
It's my favorite time of the month to make love.
Ugh.
Period sex, period sex.
Nope.
You don't get to sing that.
Okay.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Mmm mwah.
PAULA: Oh.
- Bye.
- NATHANIEL: Hold on one second.
Yes.
I'm-I'm sorry I missed the meeting today.
(clears throat) I've been, um, busy at the office.
I'll have my assistant reschedule.
Mm-hmm.
(clicking) Okay, Paula, it's bad.
It's really bad.
And I need your help now.
Rebecca, what is going on? What's going on is I need your help.
Okay? And-and not Good Paula help.
I need Bad Paula help.
Right? Not "I'm a lawyer and I want to play by the rules now" Paula.
I need surveillance- camera-in-the-brooch, tracking-device-in-the-shoulder Paula, now.
- What? Why? - Trent is blackmailing me.
How? What does he have on you? - I don't think you want to know.
- Why? He just is, okay? So I need your help.
It's nothing we haven't done before.
Okay, but (sighs) Honey, all that scheming We have talked about this It is in the past.
I have changed.
You have changed.
Yes.
Yes, I have, but sometimes the past comes back to bite you in the butt.
Oh, hey, look, if he's threatening you with something serious, then let's just go to the police.
No, we can't go to the police; that's how blackmail works.
- That's why blackmail works.
- I'm sorry, but I want to be a lawyer, and breaking the law is not a good idea for me right now.
- Okay.
Okay.
- (sighs) Okay, okay.
(sighs) Paula, I I didn't want to say this.
I really didn't, but Trent doesn't just have dirt on me, he has dirt on you, too.
Yeah, and it's bad stuff.
It's-it's all the stuff.
It's the surveillance, it's the bugging, it's the brick through the window, the shoulder trackers, obviously.
- Oh, my God.
- And, Paula, I just you're in your second year of law school, and you're basically already the best lawyer I know, and Trent wants to take that all away from you.
- Oh, my God.
- He could get us both in trouble.
He could get us both arrested.
So, really, I'm here because I'm looking out for you.
I'm looking out for you and your dreams and your family.
So all we have to do, we just have to do, just some teeny, teeny, teeny, tiny things, huh? Let's take back his power.
Let's blackmail the blackmailer.
I really don't want to do this.
Neither do I.
But we have no choice.
Both of us, right? I guess you're right? So come on.
Hmm? One last time.
I'll help you.
It's like REBECCA: Back in action, back on the street Back in the saddle or some other kind of seat We're back in action, getting things done Getting geared up For some action-based fun We're like buddy cops But we're not cops We're buddies, for whom The action never stops We're both super into this That much is clear We're on the same page We got nothin' to fear So we're back in action, back in the game Back on the road, with a little back pain 'Cause we've gotten older Than we used to be Back when we were - Super actiony - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do we really need a guitar solo right now? Can we please just keep working on the case? Sorry.
You're right.
Back to it! And now we're back in action Back at it again Just me and her, two actiony friends Adrenaline's pumping in the heat of the night We're back in action - Well, all right ? - Well, all right! - (typing) - (sighs) Okay, so is everything okay at the house with Trent? I mean, he's not making you do any Oh, no, no.
No, no, no.
Okay.
He's just sleeping at the foot of the bed like he always does.
Ah.
I got to say, for a blackmailer, he's decent on consent.
Hmm.
I did let him give me a-a pedicure, though.
He used this amazing vanilla foot scrub.
Anyway, we need to know two things.
One, the name of the foot scrub, and two, we don't have anything to blackmail him with yet.
I know, and I couldn't sleep all night, because I just kept thinking about all the different things that he could get us in trouble for.
(sighs) I mean, why did I do all those things? No, no, no.
Hey.
Don't beat yourself up, okay? We're-we're gonna get him.
Okay.
You're right.
We're gonna get him.
We're gonna get him.
Okay.
Okay, Trent.
- Where do you go all day? - Oh.
It looks like he just turned left off of East Cameron, and he's heading towards - South Cameron? - Ooh.
I mean, that's like the Knockturn Alley of West Covina.
It's the place in Harry Potter where bad things happen.
You don't care.
It's fine.
Okay, it looks like he's he's actually at the South Cameron storage facility.
That place is shady.
Yeah, no, I've seen a bunch of cases where coyotes use it as-as drop-off points.
(gasps) Oh, if he's mixed up with them.
Wait, he is mixed up with coyotes.
- What? - Well, he told me all about it.
They taught him how to survive, how to howl, how to eat lizards.
Do you think they followed him to West Covina from the desert? Oh, my God, that's so cute.
That's a Pixar movie.
Rebecca, do you think smugglers eat lizards? What are you talking about, smugglers? Smugglers are called "coyotes.
" Oh, okay.
That makes a lot more sense.
- Yeah.
- So those montage visuals were from my point of view.
- Yeah oh, yeah.
- He's talking about smugglers, then.
- Wait, he's talking about the - Oh, he's talking about the - Totally can use it to blackmail him.
- Wait, wait.
If he's doing illegal stuff like-like weapons and - drugs.
- Drugs.
Yeah, we can use that to neutralize him.
Oh, my God, and then it'll all be behind us, and we can get back to our lives and our families and-and my finals.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
See? I told you this was just a little speed bump, and then we can go back to being upstanding citizens.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay, make sure those are alternating color.
(sighing) Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Good - Um, e-excuse me, Ms.
Valencia? So, what do you think, Janie? Um, I wanted a theme.
Something like Riverdale? Please, Janie, none of your friends are hot enough to be on Riverdale.
And there is a theme.
It's the Jazz Age.
1920s.
Like Great Gatsby.
Ha-cha.
Okay.
So are there gonna be glow sticks, then? Well, now you're just trying to provoke me.
Now go put on your sequined headband and floor-length pearl necklace.
Okay, fine.
And don't forget your ivory cigarette holder and hip flask.
Today is your day, Janie.
Janie's loving this.
- Yeah, she seems super stoked.
- She's fine.
We're giving her a tasteful, sophisticated, upscale event with photos that will help promote our business.
Oh, God knows that's what every teenager wants.
Hey, check it out.
DJ Disc Joshy's in the house.
You look great.
I'm so hot, and it's so tight, I can't even raise the roof look.
See? Are you watching me do it? I mean, how am I supposed to do the Royal when I can't even raise my arms? I told you, no Royal.
Just pretend not to be a lame townie for ten seconds.
It's so embarrassing.
Now go fire up some Lindy hop.
Kids will be here any second.
Thanking you.
Come on.
He's a nice guy.
Hey.
Thanks for coming, uh I have something I want to ask you.
You're only putting one butt cheek on the chair.
That's fair.
I deserve that.
Um, look, I know I've been AWOL recently, but work's been really busy I've been really busy, too.
I launched a new campaign for one of our overseas funds, but weirdly, my phone worked while all that was happening.
I'm sorry.
- It's really rude.
- Yeah.
We've been together for a while, and you just ghosted on me for a few days.
I was stupid.
Okay? But it won't happen again.
I want to make sure we never go a few days without speaking to each other.
So why don't we move in together? Really? You're asking me to move in with you after not calling me for three days? That's bold.
Well, I figured that, you know, you and I have been together - for a few months now, and - Okay, cool.
So, if we move in together, that means you'll stop sleeping with Rebecca Bunch? REBECCA: What's he doing? PAULA: I don't know, I mean, I can't see what he's doing.
Nope is he leaving? No, wait.
(lock clicks) - Okay.
Okay.
- (engine starts) - And scamper.
- Scamper.
- Aah! - Oh, you all right? Shh, shh.
Who are we hiding from? He's gone.
- Shh! - Okay.
An anodized steel double bolt tri-magnetite lock? (tongue clicks) I thought you were gonna give me a challenge, Trent.
Do you need the bolt cutters from the car? Nah.
(gasps) Your earring.
Mm-hmm.
Come to Mama.
Let's get some dirt on that turtlenecked psycho.
(grunts) - Oh - Oh How did you know I was sleeping with Rebecca? I wasn't sure, but thank you, now I am.
Oh-oh, God, I'm so sorry, Mona.
I-I but it's over between her and I, I swear.
Hey, it's fine, I mean, for all you know, I've been sleeping with other people the whole time, too.
- Were you? - No.
Got some good offers, but I liked the guy I was seeing and I was hoping he'd come around.
Which is pathetic, I know.
My therapist, Dr.
Akopian He's great, by the way He keeps asking me, "Why are you waiting around for this guy? Especially if you don't trust him?" I'm so sorry.
I'm a jerk.
Okay? I don't know why I did that to you, but it won't happen again.
I should have spoken up sooner.
But people like us, we were not raised to confront.
Or be honest.
You know, we're WASPs.
Our parents treat their marriages like business arrangements.
I don't want that.
I want something real.
Wow.
I mean, that's what I want, too.
I-I think I didn't realize that I could have that with you.
Then you're an idiot.
Yeah.
(sighs) So where does that leave us? Let's just start with dinner.
I love the bacon-wrapped dates here.
Okay.
Oh, God.
What the hell? (both moaning) I mean, this is so much underwear.
So much underwear.
Okay, so he's been He's been stalking me since the moment we met.
Cool.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Look at Oh, look at all the sex books.
Lots of sex books.
Okay.
All right.
Socks right here.
Wait a second.
These are all my socks.
- (gasps) - Every-every pair of socks I have has one sock missing.
I have been wearing mismatched socks ever since I got to West Covina.
Look it.
Look it.
How do I not ? I always wear mismatched socks.
I look the host of a Nickelodeon show! Honey, that's not right.
Oh! Oh, geez.
(grunts) Okay, this is just all ramen.
Shrimp-flavored ramen.
I mean, even his choice of ramen flavor is upsetting.
(stammers) Hey.
(snaps fingers) Ooh.
Damn, damn, damn.
Look at this, look at this.
Ooh.
This definitely has a whole "hide my weapons and drugs" type vibe, right? Yes.
Although, mm, this is not the first time on a caper you, or I, have thought that someone was dealing drugs.
But this time is different.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay, does it have a lock? Or a combination? Um, actually, no.
There's there-there's really no lock.
Cool.
I'm going in.
Oh.
You know what? I don't think don't think we should open it.
Yeah, it's never drugs.
Man, I am so glad you're here visiting Rebecca again.
Oh, my God, these portobello puffs are so good.
Oh, the secret is clarified butter and cayenne.
Oops.
Secret's out.
I mean, I don't know what other pregnancies are like, but when I'm pregnant I crave your food.
Cool.
Oh, no.
Oh, baby girl, no.
I found my missing socks.
HEATHER: What happened? Did you sleep with the Hulk impersonator on Hollywood Boulevard? There's a hot one.
No, she didn't.
It's my love test.
You failed it.
You've broken my heart.
Okay, feels like you guys have some things to work out, so I'm just gonna take these tasty treats to go in my room.
Trent, you booby-trapped that trunk just for me? Yes, I did.
I don't understand why you don't trust me.
Trust you? Trent, you're blackmailing me.
Our relationship is 90% based on fear and ten percent on the hope that you'll make that fusilli with duck ragout again.
Why don't you love me? What's standing in the way of that? You.
God, you should know by now that I'm not interested.
How would I know that? You've encouraged my attentions every step of the way.
You brought me here to pretend to be your boyfriend.
You let me cook for you and clean for you.
You took my virginity.
You've given me all these little pieces of love along the way, these love kernels.
Hmm.
Well, you know what? Love kernels aren't reality.
So get over it.
You know, I thought we were written in the stars, Rebecca Bunch.
But I guess I was wrong.
Trent, as someone who used to think things were written in the stars, take it from me, those feelings are not real.
So blackmail me all you want.
I'm never gonna love you.
Okay.
Wow.
That was so mean.
I'll remember those words under a veil of my own tears.
I'm gonna go.
Here.
Here.
This is everything I have on you.
It's all printed e-mails so it's mainly just a symbolic gesture, but that's everything.
(exhales) - Good-bye, baby girl.
- Get out, Trent.
HEATHER: Hey.
Um, are the bacon-wrapped dates ready? Turn 'em over in five.
They'll be ready in 20.
Pookie out.
So, did you want to turn the dates over or I will turn them over.
- Okay, I'll just wait in my room.
- (sighs) Wait.
(exhaling sharply) (phone vibrating) Hey, honey, what's up? Paula, it's done.
We did it.
- Trent's gone.
- He is? Really? - J-Just like that? - Yeah.
The whole thing was some sort of dumb love test or something.
It's fine and he destroyed all the evidence.
So it's over.
(stammers) He's just gonna leave us alone.
We're safe? Oh, my God, I was so scared.
Listen, God, thank you for everything.
Oh, Paula, you're my best friend and Okay, all right.
I got to go.
Bye, honey.
Okay.
Oh.
(jazz music playing) JOSH: Hey, kids.
It's time for another Charleston again.
And, uh, there are more bacon-wrapped dates.
Eat 'em while you can before it's the Great Depression.
(jazz music playing) Jessica Alba would love this party, don't you think? Oh, yeah, I (clears throat) I forgot to tell you.
We didn't get it.
They went with the winner of Teen Chopped.
Ugh, damn it.
I can't believe we didn't get that party.
- Valencia.
- What? We already have a party.
It's right here and it sucks.
Of course it sucks because it's in this stupid town - with these stupid people.
- Stop it.
That's an awful way to talk.
You're from here.
So what? You're from a stupid, small town.
So was I before I moved to L.
A.
So are a lot of people.
Don't be ashamed of where you come from or who you are.
He's not.
(scoffs) And that's what makes him ridiculous.
That's actually what makes him cool.
It might be the only thing that makes him cool, but, for the love of God, embrace this party and make it fun.
Janie deserves that.
- Hold my phone.
- Of course.
(whispering) All right, kids, let's get this party started! I know you know it I can't control it Call me the greatest here in this moment I know you know it, I can't control it Call me the greatest Do you remember it? How dare you.
You know I do.
Watch me put in work, do it so royally I'm royalty, I'm royalty Whoa.
They're weirdly incredible.
So royally Call me the greatest Sing with the chorus All hail the queen, bow down to me What is that dance called? BETH: It's called the Royal.
Let's get everybody dancing.
Hey, guys, get out there.
Go dance.
Come on.
Have fun.
All hail the queen, bow down to me Step up on the scene and they bow down to me And bow down, put on your crown.
(grunts rhythmically) Wave, wave, wave, wave.
Put on your crown.
Jump, jump, jump.
Wave, wave.
All hail the queen, bow down to me Step up on the scene and they bow down to me All hail the queen, I'm royalty Bow down to me, bow down to me.
Hey.
I'm sorry I was such a jerk to you.
You're a really great DJ.
Did a good job tonight.
Thank you.
And I'm also sorry that I called you a lame townie.
I mean, I'm a townie, too, but, I mean, I'm not lame.
But I am from this place, I guess, and I'm okay with my past.
Sort of.
You know, I have this movie poster in my room that says, "You Can't Run Away from Your Past because It's Your Future.
" It's from Space Karate II.
That's us.
I feel a strange emotion towards you.
- Respect? - Never.
Hey, Mama.
Hey.
I just wanted to, um to thank you for all your help.
Uh, I'm so glad everything worked out.
Oh.
I mean, I-I can't believe that I left myself open to blackmail like that, and I did all those dumb things and Just stop, okay? You learned your lesson.
We both learned our lesson.
It's okay.
I, uh, I just I wanted to say that I'm so sorry.
Oh, why are you sorry? I mean, it was Trent's fault.
Right, it was Trent's fault.
(sniffles) It was.
I'm just (sighs) I'm just glad it's over.
Yeah, me, too.
(laughs) Mmm.
(both laugh) Oh.
(pats Rebecca's back) (Rebecca sighs) - Okay, I got to get to it.
- Okay.
Okay.
What's going on? Hi.
Um, I decided it would be best if you and I didn't work in the same office, and since you're the senior partner, I moved in here with Darryl.
He keeps pushing me to get a bunk desk.
Oh.
So you'll be here from now on? Yeah, I think it's best.
You've moved on, obviously.
I have? I saw your new boyfriend The, um, big guy with the with the turtleneck? No.
Oh, my God.
Wait.
You saw him? - You saw that? - Yeah.
And I'm glad I did.
I think I needed to see it.
Made me fully appreciate that Mona is a lot better for me than I realized.
(sighs) Oh.
Wow.
Cool.
I can't believe I lied to her for so long.
But that's on me.
- Well, hey, that's.
.
that's on me, too.
- No.
You weren't cheating.
I was cheating.
Right, but what I did wasn't great, either.
I mean, sometimes I do things that aren't great.
No, you're good.
I know you really well, Rebecca, and you're a good person.
(clears throat) Okay.
PAULA: Especially, like, all this going on, it's just - NATHANIEL: Yeah.
- PAULA: That is actually the case.
(speaking indistinctly)
This isn't happening.
You know what they say One person's blackmailing is another person's love story.
Have you ever noticed how when a male patient dies, he's all like, beep But when a female patient dies, she's like beep, beep, beep! I'm so glad we're in business together.
You're so good at charts and getting deals on stuff.
That's so sexy.
- God, Boggle.
- What? Oh This should never happen again after this.
Absolutely, this is the last time.
Last time.
The last time.
You're seeing someone else, she's your girlfriend, and I'm your "friend.
" - So it's possible I may have ordered - a hit on Nathaniel's girlfriend Mona.
But it's okay, I undid it this morning immediately.
At least I tried to.
Hope I did.
I think I did.
I probably did.
The last few months have meant a lot to me.
And if that's what you want, I'll forget about everything else - and everyone else, for you.
- HEATHER: So, do you have to, like, study, everywhere we go? I have a final.
It's an ethics class.
It's hard.
Well, just copy your ethics off someone else.
Right? Also, Rebecca, what's up with the knitting? Um, it's crocheting, and she's trying to relax.
(whispering): She and Nathaniel are (whispering): Hey, yeah, so maybe there's a better mime we can do around someone who survived a suicide attempt.
It's fine, yes.
Nathaniel and I are done.
Okay? Clearly, I wasn't ready to be in a relationship.
Also, he was seeing someone else.
That always works out great.
Exactly, it did not work out.
Which is great, because now I get some well-deserved me time.
Yeah, I get some hot Rebecca-on-Rebecca action.
Yeah, I don't need a man.
And you know what says that? This soon-to-be afghan.
- I like that attitude.
- You go, girl.
- Other supportive girl thing.
- Yeah.
You know what, from now on, my life is gonna get an A-plus on the Bechdel test.
Well, actually, since the Bechdel test is a measure of how often women talk about men, the act of talking about the Bechdel test kind of technically means you've failed the Bechdel test.
Okay, thank you, feminism referee.
And you know what the best thing is about being alone, potentially forever? I know what the future holds now.
The way ahead is clear, and I know exactly what I need to do next.
It's an afghan.
It's come to this like I knew it would Since I'm now single for good I know just what I gotta do I gotta go get myself a buttload of cats A buttload of cats A buttload of cats Way too many cats When you're a permanent bachelorette It's mandatory that you go out and get A buttload of cats Oh, yeah I walk myself down to the Lonely Lady Cat Store The smell is overwhelming inside This is the future smell of my house It's the smell of my dreams that have died And cats! I walk up to the cat shelf Where the cats are labeled big and small The saleslady asks, "Is there one you like?" And I state, "I'll take them all" I want a buttload of cats Meow, a buttload of cats Gimme a buttload of cats Meow, a buttload of cats, meow Yes.
The saleslady's pumped She's closing early And headed home to her sad walk-up apartment Filled with her own buttload of cats Meow, meow, meow That she got at a discount Meow, meow, meow 'Cause she works at the cat store Meow, meow, meow Meow, meow, meow Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow Why have cats over time become Synonymous with loneliness? We gotta work on our collective image We need a new publicist The ironic part is we're not that friendly If you're lonely, we might make it worse Also, we sleep, like, 16 hours a day Have you considered getting a dog? Nope, I want a buttload of you guys Okay, we warned you A buttload of cats We're gonna ruin your couch There's a lot of evidence that Organisms in cat poop make you crazy Yes, we saw that article in The Atlantic And then we peed on The Atlantic But I still want a buttload of cats! (cats hiss) Oh, my God, it's so nice to connect with someone.
I feel so much less alone now.
Do you want to get out of here and talk more about our cats? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh.
Oh.
Hey, where are you ladies going? We're all supposed to be lonely.
I like tabbies.
Oh - REBECCA: Mmm oh, yeah.
- I'm digging this.
Quiet night in by myself.
I can finally hear myself think.
- I can hear you think, too.
- (screams) Wha wha wha Rebecca.
Trent?! Oh, my God! What are you doing here?! I'm just a boy in love La-la-la, lovey-dove I can't be held responsible for my actions Ooh, he's a male ingenue I have no underlying issues to address I'm certifiably cute and adorably obsessed They say love makes you crazy Therefore, you can't call him crazy 'Cause when you call him crazy You're just calling him in love.
Blam! I said "Blam.
" Yeah, I heard you.
So, what, you just never heard back from Rebecca? No.
I basically offered to give up everything for her, and the next thing you know, I got this text.
- - And then I sent that text.
- And that was it.
- Huh.
Rebecca and I see each other at work, and we just act like the whole thing never happened.
- Yeah, that sounds healthy.
- Yeah, well What's wrong, baby? You thirsty? Want some water? Hey, uh, quick question, why is it that all of my friends, including you, are in love with Rebecca? Does she have a magic vagina? No.
She has a great one, though.
And she does like when I refer to it as the Sorting Hat.
(chuckles) Harry Potter dirty talk.
Don't worry about it.
Yikes.
So, uh so what's going on with Mona, then? You still seeing her? I've just been avoiding her, which is ridiculous.
I keep telling her that work is crazy.
It's not crazy.
- It's not fair to her, you know? - Hmm.
Mona's great.
She doesn't deserve this.
Yeah, I know.
It's pretty crappy what you're doing.
Ah, there it is.
There's that famous judginess I've heard so much about.
I'm even getting it from your dog down there.
Hello.
(snorts, barks) That's a good boy.
Look, I know I should move on, okay? I just can't seem to do it.
I don't know, I guess a part of me is hoping that Rebecca will come around eventually.
(sighs, groans) When will I ever get the message? REBECCA: When are you gonna get the message, Trent? I don't want to see you.
Okay, Paula told me it was you that gave Josh my medical records right before my wedding.
You almost ruined my life, maniac! You mean saved your life, lover? No.
You blowing up my wedding, uh, kind of put me on the path - to almost killing myself, so - Oh, come on, that's a reach.
I mean, take some responsibility for your actions.
I saved you from being in a marriage you didn't even want.
And now I'm here to claim my prize for a job well done.
You.
What? Here to claim your prize? It's been months.
I mean, where the hell have you been? Oh, you have no idea what I've done to fight my way back to you.
After I dropped the documents off to Josh Here you go.
all I had to do was wait for your wedding to fail.
So I rented a drone with a camera, and I watched as your wedding fell apart.
Victory! Then I tracked you to the weirdly foreboding Covina Inn and Suites.
I knew you were alone.
All I had to do was claim my prize, my princess.
I'm coming to rescue you, Rebecca.
And just as I was about to save you from your tower (train whistle blows) I heard the sound of a train.
You know how I feel about clowns and trains.
(horn honks) Ironic, then, that I was hit by a bus and not a train.
That was the beginning of the worst months of my life.
Every bone in my body was broken, except, unfortunately, my ear bones.
Hey, Trent, how you doing, buddy? Oh, that's right.
You can't talk.
Ooh-hoo, my favorite kind of audience.
Would you mind hearing some of my new stand-up set? So, this patient comes in with a yellowish discoloration of the skin.
His name was Jack Nicholson.
(chuckles) He says, uh, "Here's Jaundice!" I have, like, maybe 40 more.
Can I run them by you? I spent the next six months of my life in terrible pain.
She's always got to go collect the urine sample - with all the other female patients.
- Both physically I used to call it the dab ointment and lean.
and comedically.
Gynecological obstetrics! Till one day I could no longer take it and I mustered all of my energy and I broke free from my casts.
(shouting) I knew Dr.
Roth would have the authorities out there looking for me.
He was developing a one-man show, and he needed my help.
So I stole a hog and decided to head out to the desert to recuperate.
I holed up in a cave in the Mojave.
And I hung with a pack of coyotes, and they taught me how to howl again.
(coyotes howling) (Trent howling) That's when I knew that I was ready to find my way back to you.
So I Wazed directions back towards the Brooks Brothers at the Desert Hills Premium Outlets to find myself some clothes.
I'm an outlet guy.
And I came here.
Oh, my God! Mm-hmm.
I mean, that's the most insane story I've ever heard.
Honestly, I'd be impressed if I weren't so disgusted by you as a person.
Okay, so just You told me your story, now get out of here, Trent.
All right, your timing couldn't be worse.
I am not looking for anything right now.
I'm browsing cat websites.
I'm-I'm making a crocheted blanket for Darryl's baby.
Why am I tell you this? Just get out.
You leave me no choice, then.
I'm gonna have to blackmail you into being my girlfriend again.
Yeah, buddy, you can't blackmail me, okay? Everyone already knows all of my top secret personal info, thanks to you.
Oh, I have way better info than that now.
Does Pretzel365 ring a bell? Perhaps a handle that you used on a little thing we like to call the Dark Web? (horror music plays) How do you know about the Dark Web? (chuckles) The Dark Web is my playground, baby.
I have a Dark Web alert on your I.
P.
address.
(horror music plays) I saw that, one night, you were trying to take a hit out on a girl called Mona.
- (horror music plays) - I have all the info.
I printed out a hard copy 'cause hard copies just have more gravitas.
There you go.
No.
No, no, no.
No, no.
Oh, my God, but I was out of my mind on hormones, and I undid it all the next day.
I never meant to hurt anyone.
Oh, cool.
So you don't mind if I distribute that to everyone, and you get arrested and disbarred and sent to prison for solicitation of murder for hire under federal statute 18, U.
S.
C.
1958? (laughs) Whee! I'm your boyfriend again.
Mm, any update on that Jessica Alba charity event? I told you, we're not getting that party.
Every event planning company in town is pursuing it.
But you know her.
I L.
A.
know her.
I spun next to her, I juiced behind her, and one time, I was at a gifting suite in front of her.
That's the extent of it.
I texted her assistant, but we're not gonna hear back.
Beth, we need a really cool party to get a lot of attention and raise our profile.
I mean, nothing could possibly lower our profile.
We work out of a children's baseball bar.
I just want to work on classy events with classy people.
JOSH: What up, Home Base? DJ Disc Joshy is in the house! Always Oh, God, he's terrible.
How did he even do ? Everything that I do Hey, Valencia.
Hey, Valencia's girlfriend, because she has girlfriends now, and that's so cool.
Hey, Josh.
Uh, you know, you can call me Beth now.
We've met a couple times.
- See? You're so cool.
- (laughing): Thank you.
Turn that thing off.
We're working.
- Oh.
I know you're working, - (music stops) and that's exactly why I'm here.
Here to pitch to you my DJ services.
Oh, I've been deejaying at my club, and I ran into Monica F.
from high school, who said her little sister's having a sweet 16 at the rec center, and she's gonna ask you to plan the party.
And I got your DJ right here.
Me.
It's me.
(laughs) I'm not doing that party.
She already asked me; I said no.
V, we can't turn down events, any events.
We work here.
We have to buy onion rings every hour just to keep the Wi-Fi going.
We're doing the party.
JOSH: Awesome.
Hire me.
- I'll do it for free.
- Great, you're hired.
Also, you're not very good at negotiating.
VALENCIA: Okay, fine.
But if we're doing it, we're doing it my way, chic and elegant.
Great.
As long as I pick the music.
Absolutely not.
But that's all a DJ does.
No.
They also bring in equipment and push buttons.
But can we at least do the Royal? I've been dying for a kid's party - to expose it to a new generation.
- The Royal? Oh, God, don't listen to him.
Shut up about it, Josh.
Oh, the Royal is the best.
Okay.
Uh, it's a dance Valencia and I did in high school when we were voted homecoming queen and king.
Royal, get it? - Oh, yeah.
'Cause of - I said, shut up.
Josh, no Royal, no cheesy music; that is not my personal brand.
Whatever you say.
I as long as I got this gig, I'm happy.
- Fine.
You've got the gig.
- (grunts) - Thank you.
- (grunts) Also, never touch me again.
Oh, cool.
Is she still like that? (chuckles) That takes me back to when we were dating.
But you know what I'm talking about, right, Beth? (laughs) I don't have that problem, Josh.
Yeah.
O-Okay.
REBECCA: Oh, so glad we're back together.
And that was a great 19th game of Scrabble.
Um, great bingo with "quixotry.
" Yeah.
Triple letter score, plus 50 bonus points I win.
Yeah.
Well played.
It's been so fun staying up all night.
Um, hey, so could I have my phone back now? No.
First, we have to play Settlers of Catan and then Ticket to Ride, and then maybe we can talk about you getting your phone back.
Hey, instead of board games, how about we do something more immediate.
- Sex? - No.
Uh I would like to show off my pookie.
Wait.
Me? I'm your pookie? No one has ever called me a pookie before.
This is crazy.
Well, today's your lucky day.
I would like to take you to my office and show you around.
Everyone will be there today, except for, sadly, Nathaniel, he'll be in a meeting, but everyone else will be there.
And you can see Paula.
I-I didn't think we'd get here this fast.
I mean, I-I didn't expect to get here until around month four in our relationship, but I knew you'd come around.
Yes.
Well, that's what's happening.
Ooh, I got you a pretty dress for when we promenade.
I'll go get it.
(giggling): Great.
Okay.
(elevator bell dings) (sighs) Say what we worked out in the car.
Uh, hi, everybody.
(clears throat) This is Trent, my ex.
Uh, we're now back together.
Yeah.
Is there anything else you want to say to this room full - of people, baby girl? - Right.
Um I know that I said I wanted to live a life of quiet loneliness, but then Trent came back.
Um, Trent is the love of my life.
He is - the Pyramus to my Thisbe.
- (mouthing) (sighs) Wow.
That was, that was beautiful.
- Trent.
- Hey.
So good to see you.
- Thank you.
- Look at you two.
Finally together.
Will they? Won't they? I guess they will.
- (laughs) - So listen.
I have a gushing period, and I need Rebecca's help for a minute, so can you spare her? What kind of help? Ah, okay.
Well, you know, with me, it's like a four-hand job.
I mean, I got to I'm putting in menstrual cups, a-a tampon, maybe a pillow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just it's really (muttering) NC-17 graphic, so can I go with her, um, my love? Yes, of course.
You know I think menstruation is beautiful.
It's my favorite time of the month to make love.
Ugh.
Period sex, period sex.
Nope.
You don't get to sing that.
Okay.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Mmm mwah.
PAULA: Oh.
- Bye.
- NATHANIEL: Hold on one second.
Yes.
I'm-I'm sorry I missed the meeting today.
(clears throat) I've been, um, busy at the office.
I'll have my assistant reschedule.
Mm-hmm.
(clicking) Okay, Paula, it's bad.
It's really bad.
And I need your help now.
Rebecca, what is going on? What's going on is I need your help.
Okay? And-and not Good Paula help.
I need Bad Paula help.
Right? Not "I'm a lawyer and I want to play by the rules now" Paula.
I need surveillance- camera-in-the-brooch, tracking-device-in-the-shoulder Paula, now.
- What? Why? - Trent is blackmailing me.
How? What does he have on you? - I don't think you want to know.
- Why? He just is, okay? So I need your help.
It's nothing we haven't done before.
Okay, but (sighs) Honey, all that scheming We have talked about this It is in the past.
I have changed.
You have changed.
Yes.
Yes, I have, but sometimes the past comes back to bite you in the butt.
Oh, hey, look, if he's threatening you with something serious, then let's just go to the police.
No, we can't go to the police; that's how blackmail works.
- That's why blackmail works.
- I'm sorry, but I want to be a lawyer, and breaking the law is not a good idea for me right now.
- Okay.
Okay.
- (sighs) Okay, okay.
(sighs) Paula, I I didn't want to say this.
I really didn't, but Trent doesn't just have dirt on me, he has dirt on you, too.
Yeah, and it's bad stuff.
It's-it's all the stuff.
It's the surveillance, it's the bugging, it's the brick through the window, the shoulder trackers, obviously.
- Oh, my God.
- And, Paula, I just you're in your second year of law school, and you're basically already the best lawyer I know, and Trent wants to take that all away from you.
- Oh, my God.
- He could get us both in trouble.
He could get us both arrested.
So, really, I'm here because I'm looking out for you.
I'm looking out for you and your dreams and your family.
So all we have to do, we just have to do, just some teeny, teeny, teeny, tiny things, huh? Let's take back his power.
Let's blackmail the blackmailer.
I really don't want to do this.
Neither do I.
But we have no choice.
Both of us, right? I guess you're right? So come on.
Hmm? One last time.
I'll help you.
It's like REBECCA: Back in action, back on the street Back in the saddle or some other kind of seat We're back in action, getting things done Getting geared up For some action-based fun We're like buddy cops But we're not cops We're buddies, for whom The action never stops We're both super into this That much is clear We're on the same page We got nothin' to fear So we're back in action, back in the game Back on the road, with a little back pain 'Cause we've gotten older Than we used to be Back when we were - Super actiony - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do we really need a guitar solo right now? Can we please just keep working on the case? Sorry.
You're right.
Back to it! And now we're back in action Back at it again Just me and her, two actiony friends Adrenaline's pumping in the heat of the night We're back in action - Well, all right ? - Well, all right! - (typing) - (sighs) Okay, so is everything okay at the house with Trent? I mean, he's not making you do any Oh, no, no.
No, no, no.
Okay.
He's just sleeping at the foot of the bed like he always does.
Ah.
I got to say, for a blackmailer, he's decent on consent.
Hmm.
I did let him give me a-a pedicure, though.
He used this amazing vanilla foot scrub.
Anyway, we need to know two things.
One, the name of the foot scrub, and two, we don't have anything to blackmail him with yet.
I know, and I couldn't sleep all night, because I just kept thinking about all the different things that he could get us in trouble for.
(sighs) I mean, why did I do all those things? No, no, no.
Hey.
Don't beat yourself up, okay? We're-we're gonna get him.
Okay.
You're right.
We're gonna get him.
We're gonna get him.
Okay.
Okay, Trent.
- Where do you go all day? - Oh.
It looks like he just turned left off of East Cameron, and he's heading towards - South Cameron? - Ooh.
I mean, that's like the Knockturn Alley of West Covina.
It's the place in Harry Potter where bad things happen.
You don't care.
It's fine.
Okay, it looks like he's he's actually at the South Cameron storage facility.
That place is shady.
Yeah, no, I've seen a bunch of cases where coyotes use it as-as drop-off points.
(gasps) Oh, if he's mixed up with them.
Wait, he is mixed up with coyotes.
- What? - Well, he told me all about it.
They taught him how to survive, how to howl, how to eat lizards.
Do you think they followed him to West Covina from the desert? Oh, my God, that's so cute.
That's a Pixar movie.
Rebecca, do you think smugglers eat lizards? What are you talking about, smugglers? Smugglers are called "coyotes.
" Oh, okay.
That makes a lot more sense.
- Yeah.
- So those montage visuals were from my point of view.
- Yeah oh, yeah.
- He's talking about smugglers, then.
- Wait, he's talking about the - Oh, he's talking about the - Totally can use it to blackmail him.
- Wait, wait.
If he's doing illegal stuff like-like weapons and - drugs.
- Drugs.
Yeah, we can use that to neutralize him.
Oh, my God, and then it'll all be behind us, and we can get back to our lives and our families and-and my finals.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
See? I told you this was just a little speed bump, and then we can go back to being upstanding citizens.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay, make sure those are alternating color.
(sighing) Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Good - Um, e-excuse me, Ms.
Valencia? So, what do you think, Janie? Um, I wanted a theme.
Something like Riverdale? Please, Janie, none of your friends are hot enough to be on Riverdale.
And there is a theme.
It's the Jazz Age.
1920s.
Like Great Gatsby.
Ha-cha.
Okay.
So are there gonna be glow sticks, then? Well, now you're just trying to provoke me.
Now go put on your sequined headband and floor-length pearl necklace.
Okay, fine.
And don't forget your ivory cigarette holder and hip flask.
Today is your day, Janie.
Janie's loving this.
- Yeah, she seems super stoked.
- She's fine.
We're giving her a tasteful, sophisticated, upscale event with photos that will help promote our business.
Oh, God knows that's what every teenager wants.
Hey, check it out.
DJ Disc Joshy's in the house.
You look great.
I'm so hot, and it's so tight, I can't even raise the roof look.
See? Are you watching me do it? I mean, how am I supposed to do the Royal when I can't even raise my arms? I told you, no Royal.
Just pretend not to be a lame townie for ten seconds.
It's so embarrassing.
Now go fire up some Lindy hop.
Kids will be here any second.
Thanking you.
Come on.
He's a nice guy.
Hey.
Thanks for coming, uh I have something I want to ask you.
You're only putting one butt cheek on the chair.
That's fair.
I deserve that.
Um, look, I know I've been AWOL recently, but work's been really busy I've been really busy, too.
I launched a new campaign for one of our overseas funds, but weirdly, my phone worked while all that was happening.
I'm sorry.
- It's really rude.
- Yeah.
We've been together for a while, and you just ghosted on me for a few days.
I was stupid.
Okay? But it won't happen again.
I want to make sure we never go a few days without speaking to each other.
So why don't we move in together? Really? You're asking me to move in with you after not calling me for three days? That's bold.
Well, I figured that, you know, you and I have been together - for a few months now, and - Okay, cool.
So, if we move in together, that means you'll stop sleeping with Rebecca Bunch? REBECCA: What's he doing? PAULA: I don't know, I mean, I can't see what he's doing.
Nope is he leaving? No, wait.
(lock clicks) - Okay.
Okay.
- (engine starts) - And scamper.
- Scamper.
- Aah! - Oh, you all right? Shh, shh.
Who are we hiding from? He's gone.
- Shh! - Okay.
An anodized steel double bolt tri-magnetite lock? (tongue clicks) I thought you were gonna give me a challenge, Trent.
Do you need the bolt cutters from the car? Nah.
(gasps) Your earring.
Mm-hmm.
Come to Mama.
Let's get some dirt on that turtlenecked psycho.
(grunts) - Oh - Oh How did you know I was sleeping with Rebecca? I wasn't sure, but thank you, now I am.
Oh-oh, God, I'm so sorry, Mona.
I-I but it's over between her and I, I swear.
Hey, it's fine, I mean, for all you know, I've been sleeping with other people the whole time, too.
- Were you? - No.
Got some good offers, but I liked the guy I was seeing and I was hoping he'd come around.
Which is pathetic, I know.
My therapist, Dr.
Akopian He's great, by the way He keeps asking me, "Why are you waiting around for this guy? Especially if you don't trust him?" I'm so sorry.
I'm a jerk.
Okay? I don't know why I did that to you, but it won't happen again.
I should have spoken up sooner.
But people like us, we were not raised to confront.
Or be honest.
You know, we're WASPs.
Our parents treat their marriages like business arrangements.
I don't want that.
I want something real.
Wow.
I mean, that's what I want, too.
I-I think I didn't realize that I could have that with you.
Then you're an idiot.
Yeah.
(sighs) So where does that leave us? Let's just start with dinner.
I love the bacon-wrapped dates here.
Okay.
Oh, God.
What the hell? (both moaning) I mean, this is so much underwear.
So much underwear.
Okay, so he's been He's been stalking me since the moment we met.
Cool.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Look at Oh, look at all the sex books.
Lots of sex books.
Okay.
All right.
Socks right here.
Wait a second.
These are all my socks.
- (gasps) - Every-every pair of socks I have has one sock missing.
I have been wearing mismatched socks ever since I got to West Covina.
Look it.
Look it.
How do I not ? I always wear mismatched socks.
I look the host of a Nickelodeon show! Honey, that's not right.
Oh! Oh, geez.
(grunts) Okay, this is just all ramen.
Shrimp-flavored ramen.
I mean, even his choice of ramen flavor is upsetting.
(stammers) Hey.
(snaps fingers) Ooh.
Damn, damn, damn.
Look at this, look at this.
Ooh.
This definitely has a whole "hide my weapons and drugs" type vibe, right? Yes.
Although, mm, this is not the first time on a caper you, or I, have thought that someone was dealing drugs.
But this time is different.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay, does it have a lock? Or a combination? Um, actually, no.
There's there-there's really no lock.
Cool.
I'm going in.
Oh.
You know what? I don't think don't think we should open it.
Yeah, it's never drugs.
Man, I am so glad you're here visiting Rebecca again.
Oh, my God, these portobello puffs are so good.
Oh, the secret is clarified butter and cayenne.
Oops.
Secret's out.
I mean, I don't know what other pregnancies are like, but when I'm pregnant I crave your food.
Cool.
Oh, no.
Oh, baby girl, no.
I found my missing socks.
HEATHER: What happened? Did you sleep with the Hulk impersonator on Hollywood Boulevard? There's a hot one.
No, she didn't.
It's my love test.
You failed it.
You've broken my heart.
Okay, feels like you guys have some things to work out, so I'm just gonna take these tasty treats to go in my room.
Trent, you booby-trapped that trunk just for me? Yes, I did.
I don't understand why you don't trust me.
Trust you? Trent, you're blackmailing me.
Our relationship is 90% based on fear and ten percent on the hope that you'll make that fusilli with duck ragout again.
Why don't you love me? What's standing in the way of that? You.
God, you should know by now that I'm not interested.
How would I know that? You've encouraged my attentions every step of the way.
You brought me here to pretend to be your boyfriend.
You let me cook for you and clean for you.
You took my virginity.
You've given me all these little pieces of love along the way, these love kernels.
Hmm.
Well, you know what? Love kernels aren't reality.
So get over it.
You know, I thought we were written in the stars, Rebecca Bunch.
But I guess I was wrong.
Trent, as someone who used to think things were written in the stars, take it from me, those feelings are not real.
So blackmail me all you want.
I'm never gonna love you.
Okay.
Wow.
That was so mean.
I'll remember those words under a veil of my own tears.
I'm gonna go.
Here.
Here.
This is everything I have on you.
It's all printed e-mails so it's mainly just a symbolic gesture, but that's everything.
(exhales) - Good-bye, baby girl.
- Get out, Trent.
HEATHER: Hey.
Um, are the bacon-wrapped dates ready? Turn 'em over in five.
They'll be ready in 20.
Pookie out.
So, did you want to turn the dates over or I will turn them over.
- Okay, I'll just wait in my room.
- (sighs) Wait.
(exhaling sharply) (phone vibrating) Hey, honey, what's up? Paula, it's done.
We did it.
- Trent's gone.
- He is? Really? - J-Just like that? - Yeah.
The whole thing was some sort of dumb love test or something.
It's fine and he destroyed all the evidence.
So it's over.
(stammers) He's just gonna leave us alone.
We're safe? Oh, my God, I was so scared.
Listen, God, thank you for everything.
Oh, Paula, you're my best friend and Okay, all right.
I got to go.
Bye, honey.
Okay.
Oh.
(jazz music playing) JOSH: Hey, kids.
It's time for another Charleston again.
And, uh, there are more bacon-wrapped dates.
Eat 'em while you can before it's the Great Depression.
(jazz music playing) Jessica Alba would love this party, don't you think? Oh, yeah, I (clears throat) I forgot to tell you.
We didn't get it.
They went with the winner of Teen Chopped.
Ugh, damn it.
I can't believe we didn't get that party.
- Valencia.
- What? We already have a party.
It's right here and it sucks.
Of course it sucks because it's in this stupid town - with these stupid people.
- Stop it.
That's an awful way to talk.
You're from here.
So what? You're from a stupid, small town.
So was I before I moved to L.
A.
So are a lot of people.
Don't be ashamed of where you come from or who you are.
He's not.
(scoffs) And that's what makes him ridiculous.
That's actually what makes him cool.
It might be the only thing that makes him cool, but, for the love of God, embrace this party and make it fun.
Janie deserves that.
- Hold my phone.
- Of course.
(whispering) All right, kids, let's get this party started! I know you know it I can't control it Call me the greatest here in this moment I know you know it, I can't control it Call me the greatest Do you remember it? How dare you.
You know I do.
Watch me put in work, do it so royally I'm royalty, I'm royalty Whoa.
They're weirdly incredible.
So royally Call me the greatest Sing with the chorus All hail the queen, bow down to me What is that dance called? BETH: It's called the Royal.
Let's get everybody dancing.
Hey, guys, get out there.
Go dance.
Come on.
Have fun.
All hail the queen, bow down to me Step up on the scene and they bow down to me And bow down, put on your crown.
(grunts rhythmically) Wave, wave, wave, wave.
Put on your crown.
Jump, jump, jump.
Wave, wave.
All hail the queen, bow down to me Step up on the scene and they bow down to me All hail the queen, I'm royalty Bow down to me, bow down to me.
Hey.
I'm sorry I was such a jerk to you.
You're a really great DJ.
Did a good job tonight.
Thank you.
And I'm also sorry that I called you a lame townie.
I mean, I'm a townie, too, but, I mean, I'm not lame.
But I am from this place, I guess, and I'm okay with my past.
Sort of.
You know, I have this movie poster in my room that says, "You Can't Run Away from Your Past because It's Your Future.
" It's from Space Karate II.
That's us.
I feel a strange emotion towards you.
- Respect? - Never.
Hey, Mama.
Hey.
I just wanted to, um to thank you for all your help.
Uh, I'm so glad everything worked out.
Oh.
I mean, I-I can't believe that I left myself open to blackmail like that, and I did all those dumb things and Just stop, okay? You learned your lesson.
We both learned our lesson.
It's okay.
I, uh, I just I wanted to say that I'm so sorry.
Oh, why are you sorry? I mean, it was Trent's fault.
Right, it was Trent's fault.
(sniffles) It was.
I'm just (sighs) I'm just glad it's over.
Yeah, me, too.
(laughs) Mmm.
(both laugh) Oh.
(pats Rebecca's back) (Rebecca sighs) - Okay, I got to get to it.
- Okay.
Okay.
What's going on? Hi.
Um, I decided it would be best if you and I didn't work in the same office, and since you're the senior partner, I moved in here with Darryl.
He keeps pushing me to get a bunk desk.
Oh.
So you'll be here from now on? Yeah, I think it's best.
You've moved on, obviously.
I have? I saw your new boyfriend The, um, big guy with the with the turtleneck? No.
Oh, my God.
Wait.
You saw him? - You saw that? - Yeah.
And I'm glad I did.
I think I needed to see it.
Made me fully appreciate that Mona is a lot better for me than I realized.
(sighs) Oh.
Wow.
Cool.
I can't believe I lied to her for so long.
But that's on me.
- Well, hey, that's.
.
that's on me, too.
- No.
You weren't cheating.
I was cheating.
Right, but what I did wasn't great, either.
I mean, sometimes I do things that aren't great.
No, you're good.
I know you really well, Rebecca, and you're a good person.
(clears throat) Okay.
PAULA: Especially, like, all this going on, it's just - NATHANIEL: Yeah.
- PAULA: That is actually the case.
(speaking indistinctly)