Dad's Army (1968) s03e12 Episode Script

Now, pay attention, men.
This war has now been in progress for 18 months.
And it's becoming increasingly clear that Jerry is feeling the pinch.
True, he's thrown us out of Greece and he's thrown us out of Crete, but in both these cases it was by using parachute troops.
There's no doubt about it, gentlemen, that the parachute revolutionised military strategy.
Mind you, I saw all this coming a long time ago, but nobody listened to me.
I can remember as far back as 1936, my wife and I were on holiday at Bognor, Bognor Regis.
AndI went up for a five-shilling trip in a bi-plane.
Sir Alan Cobham's Flying Circus.
And we were soaring through the clouds, wind blowing in my face.
I looked down and suddenly The idea came to me in a flash.
Parachute troops.
So I went straight back to the boarding to the hotel where we were staying, and I wrote a long letter to the War Office explaining the whole thing.
And believe it or not, gentlemen, they didn't even bother to reply.
Like our great leader Winston Churchill, I was a voice crying in the wilderness.
Wake up, England! Or was that Gilly Potter? However The boot, of course, now is on the other foot and I'm in a position where my ideas are no longer ignored.
Wellat least in Walmington-on-Sea.
No doubt you wonder where all this is leading.
If he doesn't hurry up, we won't get a drink! - Blether, blether, blether, blether.
- What did you say, Frazer? Oh, I was just thinking.
Very profound, sir.
Very profound thinking indeed.
Thank you very much, Frazer.
Now, I've received a memo here from GHQ, a copy of which has been sent to all Home Guard units.
''To all ranks of the Home Guard, in order to create alarm and confusion, ''the enemy has recently been dropping empty parachutes in the southern counties.
''In future, all parachutes found must be reported at once to GHQ.
'' - Permission to speak, sir? - Yes, Corporal? Supposing one of our British lads, he jumped out of his aeroplane wearing his parachute and, having landed on the ground, he divests himself of same and then walks away.
And then we're marching along, a bit nonchalant, and one of us espies it and might gesticulate towards it.
Now, we do not know if it is his, 'cause he walked away previous.
What we want to know is, how do we know it's a British parachute or an Hun one? - A very good question.
- Yes, it is.
Beautifully phrased.
Well, it so happens, Jones, that the answer to your question is here in this memo.
Oh.
Thank you very Our parachutes are pure white.
Nazi parachutes are a dirty off-white.
Creamy coloured.
As one might have expected, of course.
There's your answer.
If it's not white, it's not one of ours.
Now, it's my considered opinion that there's more in this memo than at first meets the eye.
As you know, Rudolf Hess was dropped into this country by parachute some six weeks ago, since when we've heard nothing.
But it's quite obvious to me that the rats are leaving the sinking ship.
For all we know, many other Nazi leaders may have been dropped here.
Mr Mainwaring? That new commissionaire at the cinema looks awfully like Herr Hitler.
- He's got a moustache and a stiff arm.
- All right, settle down.
That may sound absurd, but that's exactly the sort of thing we should check against.
- Wilson - Yes, sir? - Ask to see that man's identity card.
- I'd love to.
Captain Mainwaring, sir.
Even if we do find an empty parachute, by the time we report to HQ, whoever was at the other end of it could be miles away.
Why shouldn't we use the tracker dogs? A good dog could smell the parachute and lead us direct to whoever came down in it.
Yes, yes, that's an excellent idea, Frazer.
I don't know if any of us has a dog.
- I think I can lay me hands on a dog, sir.
- Is he a smeller? - Eh? - Can he pick up a scent? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Anything you like.
- Is it fierce? - Yeah.
- Oh, dear.
- When can we have this dog here? - Tomorrow night.
Good, good.
Right.
That's settled.
That's all.
Dismiss the men, Sergeant.
Platoon, attention! All right, dismiss! - Going for a drink, Joe? - I want to have a word with Captain Mainwaring.
- Yes? - Can I have a word with you, sir? Yes.
Yes, certainly, Walker.
What is it? - It's It's a little bit intimate.
- I'll go if you don't mind, sir.
No, no, don't go, Wilson.
You might be able to give some advice.
- You don't mind? - No, no, no.
Intimate, eh? I hope that in addition to being a commanding officer, I'm also your friend.
What is it? - Well, er - Come on.
Is it a woman? - Eh? - Is it a woman? - I think I will go, sir.
- No, it's all right.
It's not a woman.
It's a parachute.
I've found one.
- Oh, is that all? When?! - About two weeks ago in the woods.
- Why didn't you report it? - You've only just told us.
- You should have done something.
- I did.
- What did you do? - I I had it made up into eight dozen pairs.
Eight dozen pairs of Pairs of what? Eight dozen pairs of ladies' knickers.
- Ladies' knickers? - Yeah.
Ladies' knickers?! Here we are, fighting for our lives, our backs to the wall, sleepless nights, the whole Nazi war machine poised, and you made eight pairs of ladies' knickers?! I do wish you'd stop using that word, sir.
All right, bloomers! I wasn't to know.
After all, it was just lying there on the ground.
I mean, nobody wants an empty parachute.
- I thought, ''All that lovely silk going to waste.
'' - All right, all right.
- Was it one of ours or one of theirs? - Eh? Our parachutes are white, Nazi parachutes are cream.
Was it white or was it cream? - I don't remember.
- Go and get a pair! I can't do that.
I sold them all on my stall last Saturday.
Went like hot cakes! There must be some odd bits of material.
- But I gave this fella the whole parachute.
- Well, go and find him.
That would be a bit dodgy.
He moves around a bit.
Now, look, we've got to get our hands on a pair of these ladies'underthings.
We must find out if they're white or cream.
Sir, if Walker's made up eight dozen pairs of thislingerie - This what? - Lingerie.
- There are plenty of people who bought them.
- Yes, that's good thinking.
Yes, there must be plenty about.
Walker, come to the bank tomorrow after we've closed.
We'll make some inquiries.
We've got to get to the bottom of this.
Now, just leave this to me.
We shouldn't have any trouble here.
Everybody knows me in Walmington-on-Sea.
A bank manager commands respect.
- Good afternoon, sir.
- We don't want any! - Perhaps we'd better try the next house.
- Don't give up as easy as that.
Let me try.
You've gotta be persistent.
Use the old technique, foot in the door.
I'll show you.
Good day, sir.
Ooh! This should be a pushover.
Good day, sir.
Your missus has a pair of my pants.
(MAN) Up to your old tricks again, eh? - (WOMAN) No, JimI You've got me all wrongI - I'll teach you, my girlI (WOMAN SCREAMS) Yes.
I think we'll move on.
That was very quick.
Good afternoon, madam.
I'm sure you know me.
I'm Mr Mainwaring, manager of the bank.
We're here on a rather delicate mission.
I wish to see your underwear.
To ascertain whether it's white or cream.
- There's a perfectly simple explanation - How dare you! - Are you all right, sir? - All right, Wilson.
You try the next one.
- Do you think that's wise, sir? - Oh, get on with it! - Nobody's going to bite you! - We can't be too sure, sir.
- Hello.
- Good afternoon.
Well? What can I do for you? The fact is, I - Ier - Yes? - We Well, I - Get on with it, Wilson.
Er, yes, of course.
I was just wondering if I could possibly if you wouldn't mind if I just was to Certainly.
Come on in, won't you? - Not you two.
Just him.
- Oh.
Excuse me, sir.
I won't be a moment.
'Ere, Mr Mainwaring, have you noticed the extraordinary influence Mr Wilson has over women? I'm getting rather tired of Wilson's sordid little peccadilloes, Walker.
I have no wish to discuss them here.
They bore me.
Sorry I spoke.
- Well, thank you and good day.
- You're welcome.
TTFN.
Well? Were they white or were they cream? No.
Actually, they were blue.
- Surely we're bound to have some luck.
- I don't think there's anyone at home.
I'll have a look through the letter box.
Hello! There's a little boy standing in the hall.
Hey, little boy, is your mummy at home? - He's all alone in the house.
- That's no good.
Hang on, wait a minute.
I've got an idea.
Hey, little boy.
I want to ask you something.
Put your ear down against the letter box.
Will you go upstairs, have a look in your mother's bedroom I don't like the look of this, Wilson.
You never know what Walker's up to.
- That's all right.
I fixed it.
- That's them! Oh, it's you, is it? I might have guessed.
I've had complaints.
- He ought to be put away! - Clear off.
Go home.
- I've read about people like him! - What's your game? I can assure you, Warden, there's a perfectly innocent explanation.
Here you are, sir.
The smile that I see is a-welcoming me While I'm walking through Now, I want you to imagine you're marching along and suddenly you're attacked by enemy gunfire.
What do you do? - Kneel down.
- You don't kneel down or do anything silly.
No, you fall flat on your face.
Now, then, whatever happens, as soon as you're attacked by enemy gunfire, you've got to remember four very important things.
First Get down, crawl, observe and fire.
Have you got that? Right.
So I'm marching along, aren't I? I'm marching along like this.
Now, you've got to be the Nazi machine-gunner, Pikey.
As soon as I march round the corner, let me have it.
The rest of you boys, go rat-tat-tat and back him up with machine-gun fire.
Marching along, a sunny day, birds are singing - (GODFREY) Shall I make the bird noises? - No, no, no.
- We won't bother with bird noises.
- I'm rather good at bird noises.
- I'm marching along - So you keep saying! Get on with it, man! - Give us a chance.
I'm marching along - (ALL) Rat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat! It's no use waving your hand.
You're dead.
I'm not dead! I haven't marched round the corner yet.
Right, now, I'm marching along.
Now let me have it.
(ALL) Rat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat! Now, I don't know whether you noticed that, but I done that in slow motion.
- What's the difference? - My body is resting on my right arm.
- My rifle is sticking up in the air.
- They don't like it up 'em! Don't try and be funny.
Right.
So that's the down part.
Now here comes the crawl.
I crawland I crawl.
Up! Observe! Observe! - And fire! Fire! Bang! Bang! - Mr Jones? - Fire! - Mr Jones? What is it? What is it? - What's up, Pikey? - Why waste time crawling before you fire? That's a very good question.
There's a very simple answer.
As soon as you've got down, the enemy watch the spot where you got down.
On the other hand, if you crawled away and started to fire before you crawled away from the spot where you got down, the enemy would know where you were.
They're already watching the spot where you got down.
If, however, you crawl away and start firing from a spot apart from the spot where you got down, they'll be most surprised.
They're still watching the spot where you got down, not where you were.
Got that? - Up to where you said it was simple, yes.
- Right.
Go and fetch Mr Mainwaring and we'll show him everything I taught you.
- Right, rat-a-tat-tat! Down! - Down! - Right, crawl! - Crawl! - Observe! - Observe! - Fire! - Fire! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! It's all right, Pike.
I can help myself up.
Hello, hello.
What have you got here? - What do you think of him? - He's certainly a smeller, Joe.
Oi! Don't be cheeky.
That's the tracking dog Mr Mainwaring asked for.
- Hello! One tracking dog, as ordered.
- Ah, well.
A very nice animal.
- Erm, you managed to get hold of any? - No, not a single pair.
- We'll never know if they were white or cream.
- We've got to find out.
Let's not discuss it now.
Look at this dog.
He looks all right, but has he the stamina to track over miles and miles of country? This dog? Of course he's got stamina! He can go on for days.
- Full of life.
- Yes? We should try him out under actual combat conditions.
We'll soon find out if he's a tracker.
Somebody must be a Nazi paratrooper so the dog gets the scent.
Permission to speak, sir? I'd like to be a Nazi paratrooper so the dog gets my scent.
You don't need a dog for that! All right, all right, Walker.
Now, look, take the dog out, and the rest of the platoon, and as soon as Jones has laid the scent, I'll blow a whistle and you come back in.
- Right.
Off you go.
- Oi.
Can you manage? He looks awfully relaxed, doesn't he? Let's hope he turns out to be a good tracker.
He'd be quite an asset.
- Yes, indeed, sir.
- You're the Nazi paratrooper.
Just a minute.
What do you think he'd better be? A war leader or a spy or a saboteur? I think he'd better be a saboteur, sir.
A Nazi leader would hardly be running away.
- No, that's very good thinking, Wilson.
- Thank you.
- Right.
You'd better be - Sir.
You'd better be a saboteur.
You've been dropped by parachute to blow up a key position.
- Right, sir.
- Take off your blouse.
- What for, sir? - So you can lay a trail of scent for the dog.
Oh, I see.
Right, sir.
I am pretending to be a saboteur, am I, now? - That's right.
- Right away, now? - Carry on, now.
- Right, sir.
Oh! So this is Walmington-on-Sea.
Ha-ha! Yes.
I think I'll blow up a key position.
I think I'll blow up the bank.
I'd - Make that the town hall.
- I think I'll make that the town hall.
Right.
I better nick off before someone spots me.
(SINGS TO HIMSELF) Deutschland, Deutschland, uber alles There we are, sir.
I made a smell.
- ''I've laid a scent.
'' - Oh, that's very nice of you.
Thank you.
Right.
Here we go, then.
- Come on, then.
Come on.
- Right, there's the parachute.
Take the scent.
Where is it, boy? Eh? Follow the scent.
Smell.
- That's it.
- Off you go.
Go on.
Other way, other way! Go on.
- (FRAZER) He's gone up the tower steps! - Come on, boy! - He's got the scent all right.
- He seems to have done.
(ALL TALKING) Mavis! I wish you wouldn't startle me like that! I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to startle you, but how much longer are you gonna be? You haven't forgotten our tete a tete supper? - Potato supper? - Tete a tete supper, Mr Mainwaring.
Tonight is the anniversary of when we first met.
We have a tete a tete supper every year.
I don't want it ruined by him being late.
- Mavis, please, please.
- Now, look, Mrs Pike.
I cannot have your domestic affairs interfering with the running of my platoon.
- What's he doing? - I've burned down the town hall, sir! Aaaow! No! 'Ere! Mr Mainwaring, I've just remembered.
I sold the last pair to Mrs Pike.
It was a British parachute, look! I do think you might have told us, Wilson.
Watch the birdie Come on and give it all you've got Watch the birdie Just look around and pick the spot Blimey! - Excuse, please.
- Not now.
Can't you see I'm busy? I wish to know ze way to Downsend Woods.
- Where? - Downsend Wood.
- You see, it's marked here on ze map.
- It's about a mile in that direction.
Can't miss it.
Ruddy thing! Stop! Look! Right, men! Follow me! At the double! 'Ere, Godfrey.
Cop hold of that.
Come on, boy.
Come on.
Here we go.
Right, keep him covered, men.
- Out you come with your hands up.
- No! Still got plenty of fight in him, has he? Grab him! Right, sir! All right, let's see what we've caught.
Jones, get out your bayonet.
- Yes, sir.
- Slit it open.
I'll slit him open all right, sir! Here you go, Mr Jones.
Right! You! You ruddy 'ooligans! - Mr Mainwaring! Look what the dog's doing.
- I do believe he's picking up the scent! Yes! He's got it! Come on, men! Oi! Come back! (MUSIC: ''FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE'') - Right, we've got him.
Jones? - Yes, sir? - Tell him to come out with his hands up.
- Oi! Come Sie out! With handy hoch! He's not German.
He's Chinese! - Mr Mainwaring! - Yes? - Are you looking for a German? - Of course I am! - Well, one came up to me.
- That was his parachute, you fool! - He asked me the way to Downsend Woods.
- Downsend Woods? Come on! - Hand me the glasses, Wilson.
- Right, sir.
- Can any of you men see anything? - That's Downsend Wood.
Look, sir! There's somebody up that tree! Look! That's him all right! (DOG BARKS) I think all these trees are confusing him, sir.
There he goes! Come on! (DOG BARKS) Mr Mainwaring! He must have been a saboteur! He's blown the building up.
Don't be absurd.
That was bombed in an air raid last year.
Oh! That's why we didn't hear the bang.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Come on! - (FRAZER) He's gone inside, sir! - Right, house drill, men.
- Get rid of the dog.
- I'll wait round the corner, if you don't mind.
Right, Walker.
- Right! Come on, the game's up! - Get back! You're not going to get it! I've waited years for this! I've schemed and planned.
I won't give it up now! - He's got a bomb! - Oh! Blimey! (PIKE) No! Not to me! Don't panic! Don't panic! Here.
Ah! Ah! This is not a bomb! It's too light.
It'san egg! - Give it to me! It's mine! - Aren't you a German saboteur? - No! I'm a Viennese ornithologist.
- A birdwatcher, sir.
I read in one of ze papers that a golden oriole had been spotted in zese woods.
It's a very, very rare bird.
All my life I've wanted one of ze eggs.
I was determined to get one! You should have come to me! - Why did you run away like that? - It's a protected bird.
- It's against the law to take ze eggs.
- Good Lord, man.
- You might have been shot out of hand.
- A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush.
Where is the Kommandant? Vy do you keep running avay? I have been trying to give myself up!