Empty Nest (1988) s03e12 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery One by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways sometimes the answer Can be hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need Rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on mmm.
So good.
Dreyfuss, we've been over this.
It's headfirst.
I'll let him in.
Either we train him, or we put the collar on his behind.
Come on.
Hey, cute guy moving in across the street.
Really? Oh, my god, he's an Adonis.
Daddy, do you know anything about our new neighbor? Nope, sorry, not a thing.
Wow, he is really gorgeous.
What are you talking about? The weather Gorgeous weather.
Oh, I thought you were talking about that guy that moved in across the street Whoo, what a looker.
Charley, what do you know about him? Well, it's hard to think on an empty stomach.
So eat something.
I'm tired of self-serve.
I want table service.
- Talk.
- Okay.
I spoke with him this morning.
His name's Billy.
He's single.
And he works with the space program at NASA.
An astronaut I bet he's smart.
He looks strong.
I think he's athletic.
Barbara, dear, I really think he's more suited to me.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
There's no sound in space.
He couldn't hear you whine.
Whoa, both sisters after the same guy.
- Sorry, Carol.
- Daddy.
- Good-bye, Charley.
- Where you going? I'm not going anywhere.
Oh.
Daddy, I'll make sure Charley goes back to his house.
And I'll make sure Carol gets back home.
Ep, ep, ep.
Listen, one thing I've admired about you two is you never let a man come between you A million other things, yes, but never a man.
Daddy, don't worry.
We're not gonna fight over him.
Silly daddy.
Go to work.
Okay, but you be good.
We will.
Marquess of queensberry rules? No holding, no rabbit punching, protect yourself at all times, and come out flirting.
Good luck.
Good morning, Laverne.
How are you? One lipstick, passion pink, one ticonderoga pencil number two.
Oh, I'm feeling pretty good myself.
Thanks.
One rabbit's foot, lucky.
What's going on there? I lost my purse.
I'm making a list of the contents.
Oh, I'm sorry.
When was the last time you saw it? I guess when that guy was a-running away with it.
Whoa, Laverne.
Wait.
Somebody mugged you? Are you okay? What did the police say? Well, it wouldn't make no sense to call them till I've compiled this list of the contents of my purse.
I already had a list, but foolishly, I kept it in my purse.
Laverne, Laverne, f-forget the list.
I want to hear about this mugging.
Where Where did this happen? In the parking lot at the shopping center.
Did you get a good look at him? Well, I couldn't.
It was too dark.
What were you doing in a dark parking lot? Well, it was night.
I was looking for a place to put my car.
I'd have to say parking.
One photo of merle haggard, inscription "keep on strummin'.
Love, merle.
" We jammed one night.
Laverne, dear, let's just focus on this mugging, okay? Now, what did Nick say when you told him? Well, his ball club's out of town on a road trip.
Now, I'm not going to bother him with this piddly stuff.
Laverne, come on, maybe you should take the rest of the day off.
Doctor, will you quit making such a big deal about this? Okay, fine, but I just want you to know that I'm here if you want to talk about it.
I'll keep that in mind.
Are you sure there aren't some feelings you want to get out? Now that you mention it, I do have a terrible sense of violation, as if some outside force is bearing down on me, bearing down on me.
Oh, poor Laverne, I mean, that's natural.
I'm talking about you.
Could you leave me alone? Well, dreyfuss, what do you think? Oh, good.
Our NASA neighbor's still working on the lawn.
If he has any testosterone, he's mine.
Barbara, what are you doing home from work? Oh, it's a nice day.
I thought I'd get out on the porch and exercise before the sun goes down.
What about you? I thought I'd take advantage of the weather too.
Put on this old thing and sit out on the porch You know, relax.
Yeah, that's what I was gonna do too Relax.
- Get out of my way! - You get out of my way! This is ridiculous.
You're acting like the three stooges.
Am not.
Nah, nah! Whopa-wa, whopa-wa! Oh, he is good-looking.
Yeah, I'll say.
Yoo-hoo neighbor.
Carol, why don't you just pull your dress up over your head? Let's give the "yoo-hoo" a chance, shall we? Okay, that's long enough.
- Carol, you're not really - Don't be silly.
Barbara, calisthenics are no fair.
Says who? Oh, I see.
We're pulling out all the stops.
Well, in that case Oh, not the crying thing.
Is he looking? No.
I don't get it.
Doesn't this guy have any protective instincts? My bosom is heaving enough, isn't it? - Oh here he comes.
- He's coming to me.
No, he's not.
He's coming to me.
I swear he's coming to me.
Hi, fella.
I couldn't help notice you over here.
I'm Billy.
What's your name? His name is dreyfuss.
My name's Carol.
And I'm Barbara.
It's great dog Really nice coat.
I just had my hair done.
- So how long have you had him? - Five years.
God, I'd love to have a dog like this.
Well, I was gonna take him to the park later.
- Hey, that sounds like fun.
- Yeah.
Good boy.
Good boy.
What breed is he? He's half Saint Bernard and half golden retriever.
Whoa, where are you going? Boy, he's in a hurry.
Lie down.
Billy, you startled me.
I don't know what it is about dreyfuss.
He hates Barbara, adores me.
It's so funny how animals can sense when someone's warm and loving.
Scram, fido.
I'm working here.
So, Billy, how do you like the neighborhood? Oh, I haven't had much of a chance to see it yet.
Oh, well, if you'd ever like someone to show you around - Hey, that'd be great.
- Tomorrow? I'll pick you up at 6:00.
We can grab something to eat first, okay? - All right.
- See you.
- Bye-bye, Billy.
- Bye.
Well, Barbara, I guess he just preferred me over you.
I don't mean to flaunt it, but Ha ha! Do you smell something? No.
Liverwurst! That's how you got dreyfuss in here.
That's a dirty trick, Carol.
Well, Barbie Barb, to quote a great philosopher, "all's fair in love and war.
" Yeah? Well, to quote curly Nah, nah! Whopa-wa, whopa-wa! Nee! Nee! Nee! There you go, my good fellow.
Thanks.
Bye-bye.
- Doctor Weston? - Oh, hi.
- Officer hitner, Miami p.
D.
- Yeah, nice to meet you.
Laverne, I asked Barbara to send somebody over to take your report.
Well, I was gonna get around to that as soon as I finished compiling my list.
That reminds me One paperback novel, trashy.
Mrs.
Todd, if you could just describe what happened to you last night.
A man took my purse.
And? Ran.
Yes? Away.
Anything else? From me.
I can keep this up as long as you can.
Let's focus on this assailant.
Now, how tall would you say he was? Well, it's hard to say because he was standing behind me with his arm around my neck like this.
So you didn't get a look at him.
Well, I tried, but he said if I turned around, he'd blow my brains out.
Laverne, you never said this guy had a gun.
Well, I was preoccupied, what, with making my list and all.
Anything else you can tell me? Did I mention that when he took my purse and ran away it was from me? - Yes, ma'am.
- Okay, then you got it all.
If you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
Sure thing.
That's, uh, quite a tough lady you got working for you.
Yeah, that's Laverne, steady as a rock.
Good morning, Laverne.
Good morning, doctor.
How are you today? Fine.
Coffee's ready.
Thank you very much.
- Laverne? - Uh-huh.
- Where are you? - Over here.
Where? On the desk.
Now, stomach in, chest out.
We have a busy day ahead of us.
Laverne, where are you? I'm at home.
I had Otto the janitor set up this speaker box.
- Why? - Oh, I don't know.
I just thought it was time to try running the office a little differently.
You know, more of a hands-off approach.
Laverne, this is ridiculous.
I can't talk to a box all day.
Put me down this instant! I will not have myself picked up and shaken around like that.
Sorry.
Uh, Laverne, does this have anything to do with the mugging? Oh, you mean that thing where the guy come up behind me, choked me, put a gun to my head, stole my purse, and run away? That's all but forgotten.
Laverne, you're scared, and I can understand that.
But staying at home is not the answer.
And you certainly can't run the office like this.
Well, hello, Mrs.
WASSERMAN.
Don't you look lovely today? Have a seat in the waiting room.
Jimmy, go on into exam room one.
Doctor will be right with you.
Okay, nurse Todd.
Laverne, how did you do that? Mrs.
WASSERMAN has a 9:00 appointment, but she is always five minutes early.
I winged the "you look lovely" part.
I know.
Let's play with her mind.
Tell me what color her shoes are.
Laverne, we cannot work this way.
Look, dear, just hang up, and we'll talk about this later.
Okay, fine.
You better duck.
Duck? Why? Little Jimmy always does that when you keep him a-waiting.
Hi, Barbara.
How you feeling? Fine.
Why? Well, tonight's my date with Billy.
And, Barbara, I want you to know that just because he chose me over you doesn't mean that I'm more attractive or desirable or possess some deep, rich womanly quality that will be forever unattainable to you.
Duh.
Barbara Dear, sweet, brave, rejected Barbara.
Carol, quit.
You won.
I'm happy for you.
I hope it works out.
That's my date.
My date, my date, my date! - Hi, Carol.
- Hi, hi.
- Hello, Barbara.
- Hi.
It's a lovely night.
You can see all the stars.
One heavenly body at a time.
So, Billy, it must get lonely in that big house of yours.
No one to share it with? Oh, no, no.
I live there with my uncle.
Oh, that must be nice.
Someone to watch over the place while you spend those long hours at cape canaveral.
It must be very exciting being an astronaut.
- Oh, I'm not an astronaut.
- Oh, you're not? No.
Ground crew.
Oh, well, that could be exciting too.
"Mission control, mission control.
" Actually, I work for the company that picks up the trash right in front of mission control.
But I'm doing some work on the side with distant planets, you know, interstellar communications.
Oh.
Well, I'm not surprised.
I knew there was something special about you.
In fact, I recently made contact with a friendly little colony on Venus.
- Pardon? - If you'd like, I could try to reach them right now.
Billy, I don't recall seeing you in that cap before.
Well, heck, if I wore it all day, the little green fellas would talk my ear off.
Barbara, help me.
Why? He's perfect for you.
So, Carol, where do you feel like going for dinner? - Dinner? - Yeah.
I hear they have this really great burger place in the crater of Alpha two.
You should offer to pay for half the fuel.
Otherwise, he'll expect you to put out.
Put it on.
I don't know about the cap.
It's the only way you'll be able to talk to them.
Billy, I really don't think this is they told me they find you very attractive.
Like this? No, no, no, no.
More like that.
Let's go.
Now, don't drive faster than the speed of light.
I can't promise that.
Who is it? It's Harry.
Harry who? Harry Weston.
Middle name? Laverne, please, dear, just open the door.
Hi.
- Hi, doctor.
- Hi, hi.
- Good to see you.
- Yeah, good to see you.
I came by because, um Laverne, I'm really very worried about you.
You just went through a very traumatic experience.
Doctor, will you quit blowing this whole thing out of proportion? Laverne, a man had a gun to your head.
You could've been killed.
Well, let's just forget about that.
They law, look at my manners.
Why don't you have a seat? And I'll get us something to drink.
Let's see.
I've got soda I've got lemonade no, it's okay, dear, I'm fine.
I've got coffee.
I've got tea.
I've got punch.
Okay.
It's okay.
It's okay, Laverne.
You're touching me.
I'm sorry, doctor.
I don't know what come over me, but here it comes again.
You're touching me.
Well, I need something.
Well, that's soothing.
Good, good.
Laverne, you'll see, I mean, everything is gonna be okay in time.
Hey, look.
Why don't we go out and get a bite to eat? Oh, I'd love to, but they's just one problem with that.
What? It would require me leaving the house.
Laverne, you're going to have leave sooner or later.
It might as well be now.
Oh, oh, oh, I don't know.
Laverne.
Laverne, dear, trust me.
I've invested too much in one of the most difficult relationships known to man to let anything happen to you.
Well, I guess I could try.
I may need some emotional support.
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
Hey, huh? Laverne, see, now we're safely inside.
Can I remove my, uh that's good, that's good.
You answered my question.
Here, dear, sit down.
There you go.
.
- Oh, Laverne, my my My arm's getting numb.
I'm gonna have to switch hands.
You're doing very well.
- Really? - Oh, yes, dear.
I mean, come on, you got out of the house.
You walked almost an entire block to get to this doughnut shop.
I have made amazing progress.
I think I might be able to come back to work tomorrow.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Just have your hand outside my door at 7:15.
You drive, I'll shift.
Let's just pray when we get to the office, neither one of us has to go to the bathroom.
That's a That's a great idea, Laverne.
Unfortunately, it's completely insane.
Honey, listen, you've got to get back to living your life.
Doctor, I don't know if I can do that.
How can I get back to life as usual when I can't even get outside to mail a letter.
All right, now, listen to me.
I know it seems insurmountable right now, but you'll do it, one step at a time.
As each thing comes up, you'll find a way to deal with it, like right here and now.
We're here.
We're hungry.
Why don't you go get us a couple of doughnuts? Those doughnuts are a million miles away.
Laverne, you can do it.
You're brave.
You're a fighter.
You're a winner.
You think? I know.
Now, I'm gonna take my hand away.
Oh, lordy.
Lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lord okay.
Now stand up.
I don't think I can.
Yes, you can, dear.
I know you can.
- I can't.
- You can.
- I can't.
- You can! I can't! I'm up.
Okay, now now, you're just gonna take One step at a time.
Come on, Laverne.
Come on.
You can you can do it.
You can make it to the counter.
Hey, what's going on with the lady? Well, she was robbed recently, and she's having a bit of a problem getting over it.
Oh, I know what that feels like.
I was robbed myself.
Go on, Laverne.
You can make it to the counter.
Yeah, lady.
You can do it.
Hey, she just got robbed.
She's trying to get up her courage to buy a doughnut.
Go, Laverne, go.
- All: Go! - Go! All: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! I'd like two doughnuts, please.