Family Ties (1982) s03e12 Episode Script

## I'll bet We've been together ## ## For a million years ## ## And I'll bet We'll be together ## ## For a million more ## ## Ooh, it's like I started breathin' ## ## On the night we kissed ## ## And I can't remember ## ## What I ever did before ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## And there ain't No nothin' ## ## We can't love Each other through ## ## Ooh-hoo ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## Sha-la-la-la ## So, uh, basically, what we're looking for is one more helping hand around the house while my wife is off her feet.
Then help with the baby after it's born.
Uh, light housework, uh, shopping, errands, cooking, that kind of thing.
I believe the, uh, salary is listed there in the ad.
I thought it was a misprint.
Uh, no, that's That's the right figure.
But you have three children, Mr.
Keaton.
What you're offering me is barely enough if you have two children.
Either you'll have to pay me more, or get rid of one of your children.
Um, I, uh, take it you don't like children? Children make messes, all kinds of messes.
And messes make germs, nasty little germs.
And germs carry disease, disease which erodes the living tissue, the very fiber of life.
I liked her.
Dad, there's one more person left to interview.
All right.
Maybe we'll be lucky this time, Alex.
Uh, send her in, Jen.
Come on in.
Show him your tattoo, Max.
My pleasure.
Uh, we really don't need to see it.
You sure? No charge.
I'm sure.
Uh, girls, why don't you go upstairs, keep Mom company? Oh, okay.
Bye, Max.
Bye, doll face.
I'm, uh, Steven Keaton, and this is, uh, my son Alex.
Max Schneider.
Charmed.
Yeah, uh, please sit down.
So, um, you want to be a housekeeper? That's right.
Housekeeper and nanny.
And can you cook? Julia Child is my aunt.
Um, how are you with children? Great.
I got kids all over the world.
Uh, now, these are just routine questions.
Uh, let's, uh Have you ever been in prison? Six years.
Well, we'll be in touch.
Hey, you know, I got really good vibes about you people.
This here could finally be my niche.
Well, uh, thank you very much for coming, Mr.
Schneider.
Did I mention that I know how to operate a drill press? Uh, n-no, no.
No, you didn't.
Put it down, kid, huh? Take care.
I think I think I've had about enough of this for one night.
You can screen anyone else who comes along.
If you see anyone good, uh, I'll be upstairs working.
Give me a call.
Okay, Dad.
Whoa.
Coming, coming.
Hello, I'm Karen Nicholson.
I've come to apply for the housekeeping position.
You have? Yes.
Uh, come in, come in.
Uh, here.
Thank you.
Won't you please sit down? Okay.
I, uh, have a few questions here I must ask you.
Uh Uh, do you have any references? No.
Uh, do you, uh, have any experience a- a-as a housekeeper? No.
Okay.
Uh, can you cook? Uh, cook? No.
So you, uh You have no experience, uh, no references, and, uh And you can't cook.
That's right.
You're hired.
Congratulations.
Come on, Dad, have a little faith in my judgment, okay? As soon as you get to know her, you will realize that I made the correct decision.
That is not the point, Alex.
You had no right to hire anyone without consulting me first.
Well, Dad, I knew you were working, and I didn't see any point in bothering you.
Besides, Dad, in my wildest imaginations, I couldn't dream of a better woman for the job.
Is that Miss Nicholson here yet? Nope, nope, not yet.
I hope you didn't hire some dumpy-looking old lady, Alex.
Jennifer, you shouldn't be so concerned with the way a person looks.
How can you be so shallow? I hired the person who I thought was best for the job.
I don't even remember what she looked like.
Hi, Alex.
Hi, Karen.
Is it coming back to you, Alex? Uh, ahem, Dad, Jennifer, Mallory, I would like you to meet our new housekeeper.
It's nice to meet all of you.
I'm Karen Nicholson.
Hi.
Our pleasure.
Alex didn't mention he had two sisters.
I forgot.
Oh, that's for us.
Bye.
Bye.
It was nice meeting you.
Thank you.
Yeah, um, see you later.
Okay, bye.
Well, hey, uh, why don't we all get better acquainted, huh? Let's Let's sit down.
Good idea.
Come on, Karen.
Ah, I'll get that, Dad.
There we go.
Mr.
Keaton Watch the table, Karen.
It's a little wobbly.
Oh, yeah.
Mr.
Keaton, I just want to thank you so much for this job.
You have no idea how much it means to me.
Well, uh, Alex told me how well the interview went and, uh, based on that, I have complete confidence in you.
I am so relieved to hear you say that.
You know, in your ad, you said you were looking for someone with experience as a housekeeper.
When I read that I didn't figure I had a shot.
Uh, you, uh You have no experience? Well, Dad, she means she has no experience in the literal sense.
But as Jean-Paul Sartre said, isn't the act of simply being alive, you know, suffering through the existential angst that is life, isn't that? Isn't that the best kind of experience for being a housekeeper? You ever see Sartre's house? I'm a quick learner, Mr.
Keaton, you'll see, and I'm very eager to get started.
Well, there is something to be said for enthusiasm.
Absolutely.
It's the most important trait in a housekeeper.
That, and a little button nose.
I do have something you can do, uh, Karen.
My wife should be getting up soon and she's going to want some breakfast.
I've got to get going here, so would you mind? What does she like to eat? Well, a couple of eggs, usually.
Eggs.
No problem.
Eggs Eggs? In the refrigerator.
Hey.
How? How does she like them? Uh, a little boiled.
Okay.
There we go.
Thanks.
Okay.
That's not right, is it? No, no, no, that's That's okay.
I mean, some people boil eggs one way, and some people boil them another.
That's what makes America great.
I could tape it up.
Uh, n Uh, no, no, um, she doesn't like them taped.
Well, here, I'd better start over again.
Oh! I'll get that tape.
I'm having so much fun.
This is the first load of laundry I've ever done here.
Come to think of it, it's the first load of laundry I've ever done.
I don't believe it.
You've never done laundry before? That's right.
I believe her.
Those were Dad's.
We'll just give them to Alex.
Hi.
Alex, I'm glad you're here.
Karen, I'm glad you're here.
I need you to help me carry the table.
I I took it outside to even up the legs a little bit.
Oh, great.
Hey, let's celebrate.
How about, uh, dinner and a show? Yeah, I love having Karen around.
She's like the big sister I never had.
Yeah, I feel the same way.
I I mean, uh, the even bigger sister I've never had.
Okay, watch your back.
Here we go.
I hope this will be all right.
I worked on it all day.
Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine, Karen.
Here we go.
Thanks.
There we go.
Maybe it'll look okay with the good china on it.
Ah, that'll do it.
Hey, good idea.
Great idea.
Okay.
Think Dad will notice? Only if he keeps his eyes open.
Karen is so nice.
I don't want her to get into trouble.
Now, now, she doesn't have to.
Not Not if the three of us stick together and help her through this little crisis.
I think she's great.
All right.
Okay, then it's settled.
Listen, why don't we go help her with that china, okay? Oops.
Uh, hey, hi, Dad.
Have a good day? Fine.
What happened to the table? The, uh The what? The table.
That table used to be a lot higher.
May May Maybe you just shot up at work, Dad.
You wear lifts? Uh-huh.
All right.
Hi, Mr.
Keaton.
How was your day? Uh, not Not too bad.
Say, Karen, would you happen to know? Oh, Daddy, we love you so much.
Where did you get that tailored? It looks great.
Okay, fine.
Would Would you happen to know what happened to that table? Oh, I fixed it.
You fixed it? Let's, uh, set the table, girls.
Mr.
Keaton, I just want you to know this has been the best day of my life.
I spent three hours with your wife.
I can tell you she's a wonderful woman.
Thank you.
And Mallory and And Jenny here, I just feel like I've known them all day.
Of course, I have.
And this boy here Oh, he's like the brother I never had.
Don't Don't think of me as your brother.
Think Think of me as a guy.
The The The guy you never had.
Actually, the guy you could have.
Come on, everybody, let's eat.
Great.
Okay.
Boy, I'm looking forward to this, Karen.
This is gonna be good.
I know you're really gonna love this salad.
Yum.
Boy, looks good.
Got to admit, Dad.
She's working out, huh? Yo.
Hey, Dad.
Hi, Alex.
How? Uh, how did things go around the house today? Oh, great.
Great, Dad.
Karen is doing great.
You know, she only broke the, uh, vacuum, the blender and the TV.
She's getting better.
Yeah, and she She fixed the stuff she broke yesterday.
The, uh, toaster, sink and washing machine.
So So we're not gaining any ground, but, uh, we're not losing any.
We're holding steady, Dad.
Hey, hey, can I fix you a cold drink? Uh, the ice maker's not working, Alex.
Karen broke it a week ago.
No, no, no, no.
She told me that she took care of it today.
I'll get it myself, Alex.
Thanks.
So, uh, how was your day at school, Alex? Real good.
Real good, Dad.
No, no.
I I mean specifically that, uh, that English class.
You, uh You said you were having a little trouble with it.
Doing great, Dad.
I'm doing great.
Here, uh, hang on a sec.
Take a look at that.
So, uh So how are the rest of your classes? Good, Dad, good.
I am, uh, really glad I chose Leland.
You know, and the Economics department's everything I hoped it would be.
Who are we kidding, Alex? She's not working out.
She's totally incompetent.
She has got to go.
Dad, will you quit being such a perfectionist? Alex, Alex Alex, look around you.
I'm afraid to, Dad.
Alex, this woman cannot do one thing we need her to do.
Okay, well, Dad, let's keep thinking until we think of something that she can do.
Wha? We have to fire her, Alex, for our own safety.
Look look.
If this had been a Pop-Tart, we'd be dead now.
Dad Dad, look, think of Mallory and Jennifer.
They They love Karen.
Th-this is gonna be very upsetting to them, not to mention my fantasy life.
We had a fabulous day.
Yeah, I've never seen so many fat, naked women in my life.
Where did you go, the Y? We saw the Rubens Exhibit at the Art Institute.
It was great.
Yeah, Karen took us out for ice cream afterwards.
We had so much junk food today, we could go without eating for a week.
Good planning, Karen.
Thank you.
Karen, uh, I'm glad you had a nice time with the girls.
Oh, it was fantastic.
But, uh Well, you've got some responsibilities in the house too.
I know, that's what I love about this job.
See, I can be indoors or outdoors.
Well, excuse me, I'm gonna go tell Mrs.
Keaton about all the fun we had today.
You make every day fun, Karen.
Alex.
I know, Dad.
She's got to go.
I just wanted to get one last compliment in.
W- w-we have to fire her.
We have no choice.
All right, Dad, okay, but let's do it as humanely as possible, okay? All right.
I've got an idea.
Look, let's have the two of us take her out to dinner.
Probably the only way we'll get something to eat.
You know, we'll We'll We'll show her a good time, uh, and, uh, kinda squeeze the firing in between, "pass the salt" and "check, please.
" Pass the salt, please, Alex.
So soon, Dad? Karen, um, I'd like to talk to you about your work.
Oh, you know, I'm enjoying myself so much at my new job, it doesn't even seem like work to me.
It doesn't seem like work to us, either.
Good evening.
Oh, hey.
It's the Keatons.
Dad, it's him.
It's the Convict, huh? Is that what you were gonna say? No.
I was gonna say, "Dad, it's him, the nanny.
" You know each other? Yeah, I applied for a job as their housekeeper, but they turned me down.
Oh, really? I feel so guilty.
They hired me.
I wonder why they took you instead of me.
What did you wear to the interview? I wore my blue dress with black heels.
Heels! I knew it, I knew it.
I guess you got a lot of experience as a housekeeper.
No.
I've had no experience.
Well, we all know what Sartre says about experience.
Karen, uh, we need to talk.
I know.
We do.
You're a very nice person.
Nice? Come on, Dad.
You're more than nice.
Excuse me, I have to interrupt you.
I'm really starting to feel guilty, here.
What do you mean? Well, you take me out to dinner at a wonderful medium-priced restaurant.
You treat me like one of your family and now you're saying all these nice things about me, but I've let you down.
You have? I know I've probably kept it hidden from you, but I'm not a good housekeeper.
Really? It's been bothering me ever since I started.
I never should have taken this job.
I came into your house and ruined everything.
Well, not everything.
Look, let's face it, okay? I'm a failure.
I'm not good at anything, and I never will be.
Karen, stop putting yourself down like this.
This isn't the first job that hasn't worked out for me.
Don't feel bad.
I I'll just move on to something else.
Oh, no, no, no, no, Karen, please stay.
It's been wonderful, but I can't do this any longer.
Karen Boy, having a housekeeper is hard work.
I know, but it's worth it to keep Karen around though.
Hi.
Uh, hi.
Hi.
Uh, where's Karen? Uh, girls, sit down.
Uh, look, um, Karen, uh Karen won't be working for us anymore.
You fired her? No.
Certainly not.
Pfft.
They think that we would fire Karen.
We We tried to fire her.
She quit before we got around to it.
And you let her quit? She knew that she wasn't doing a good job.
So, what does that have to do with anything? She was my friend.
She was all of our friends.
I know, I know, but we set out to find a housekeeper, not a friend.
Well, I'm really gonna miss seeing her.
That goes triple for me.
Everything in this kitchen reminds me of her.
Yeah.
This is the stove, she didn't know how to use.
And the sink where she used to always break our dishes.
And the toaster where she started a fire.
I think I'm gonna cry.
Well, it's gonna be tough breaking this to your mom.
She was in the middle of teaching Karen how to roll socks.
Well, look who's here.
Good to see you, Karen.
Uh, Mr.
Keaton, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Alex.
Mr.
Keaton, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and Well, see, I've spent my whole life running away from things, and I've decided it's time for me to stop running.
I really want to make a success of this job, and you want me to stay, so I think it would be wrong for me to leave.
Nothing could be wronger, right, Dad? Let's give it another try.
Yay! Hey, Karen.
Oh, thanks, Mr.
Keaton.
I want you to know I'm really gonna try to improve.
I know I wasn't doing a good job before, but that's gonna change.
You'll be surprised.
Great.
Well, you can start again tomorrow.
No, no.
I wanna start right now.
I know I ruined your dinner, so I'd like to make you all something to eat.
No!