Futurama s03e12 Episode Script

Futurama is brought to you|by Thompson's Teeth the only teeth strong enough|to eat other teeth.
Insane in the Mainframe Good news, everyone.
Today marks our friend Dr.
Zoidberg's|10th year with Planet Express.
- Huzzahs are in order.
|- Huzzah.
- Hooray for me! Hooray for Zoidberg!|- I'll now read the mandatory speech.
"Dear Employee: Has it really been|5, 10 or 15 years? If not, disregard this|and get to work.
" Distribute token of appreciation|and applaud.
Look! Coupons! I can get|two oil changes for the price of one! Now if I could only afford the one.
|And the car.
Ah, the years.
So many memories so many strange fluids|gushing out of patients' bodies.
Yes, yes.
Now here's|your pension statement.
It's empty because you haven't paid|into it, you dummy.
You kept track of it all these years.
I'm boned.
I haven't paid either.
|What'll I do when I retire? - I thought you were retired.
|- I don't see you planning for old age.
I got plans.
I'm gonna turn|my on/off switch to off.
I'm gonna take action.
It's time|to check my retirement fund.
Damn! Still only 100 dollars.
A penny saved is a penny earned.
Also,|I need athlete's foot cream for my face.
He's right.
|I must start investing wisely.
Well, down to my last lottery ticket.
Cherry.
Cherry! Mule.
Crud! You got six bucks left to retire on.
|I recommend Tender Vittles.
You're opening a retirement|account for $6? I'm sure a wealthy mule farmer like you|knows we charge a $10 monthly fee.
You gotta spend money to make money.
Here you are.
|Your account is now overdrawn by $4.
I've seen lines move|faster in the sperm bank.
That's for sure-|Roberto, is that you? Bender! Hey, man! - You old lunatic! How you been?|- Not bad.
Not bad.
Everybody on the floor!|This is a stickup! I'm okay too.
I'm taking a Chinese|cooking class at the Learning Annex.
- Cool.
Can you give me a hand here?|- Sure thing, pal.
Hey, you! Red! Quit watering|that plant and get the door! - Nice talking to you.
|- Same here.
You guys are all right.
- Here's something for your trouble.
|- Thanks, buddy! Freeze! You're under arrest! Shoot them in the back!|Quick, while they're not looking! Court is in session.
|The Honorable Judge Whitey presiding.
The charge is bank robbery.
My caddie-chauffeur informs me that a bank is where people|put money that isn't invested right.
Therefore, robbing a bank is tantamount|to that most heinous of crimes: Theft of money.
As the surveillance camera for that|bank the judge was jawing about could you tell us what you|done seen that day? Well, let's see.
My memory's a little|fuzzy, but it went exactly like this: Your Honor, I move|that I be disbarred for introducing this evidence|against my own clients.
Mr.
Fry, do you recognize the robot|hugging on you in this here hologram? I sure do! That's the real robber and I'll never forget his name as|long as I live.
And that name is- Just give a name! You don't wanna|look stupid on Court TV.
You're right.
You're right.
It was- Yes? What?|You say if I testify I'll be killed? Oh, it's for you.
And the other hamburger will also be|made of your lungs.
So long, pal.
I won't testify on grounds that my|organs will be chopped up into a patty.
The 67th Amendment.
I may be a simple, country chicken,|but I know when we're finger-licked.
What if we plead insanity? A few months in an insane asylum?|I could do it on my head.
If you start now,|it might help our case.
What evidence do you offer to|support this new plea of insanity? - They done hired me to represent them.
|- Insanity plea is accepted.
Mr.
Bender, I hereby commit you to the|asylum for criminally insane robots until you are deemed cured.
Yahoo! The system fails again! And Mr.
Fry, I sentence you to the|home for criminally insane humans.
That facility has been full since you|ruled being poor is a mental illness.
Order! The only poor people|I want to hear about are those who tend to my pores|at the spa.
Send them both to the robot loony bin|and let's go.
Huh? Ow, my head! Ow, my feet!|Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! - Keep your chin up.
|Ow, my chin! I don't belong here.
|This is for insane robots.
Well, you meet half|the qualifications.
Oh, good! A physical! Once they examine my fragile,|pink body, they'll see I'm not a- Whee! What the-? I find that offensive! Greetings.
I am Dr.
Perceptron.
Let me|give you something to help you relax.
There's been a terrible mistake!|I'm human! See? I'm all squishy and flabby.
|Also, I complain a lot.
Yes, you do.
You need to relax more.
Terrific.
Now, consider|the following: You were admitted to this robot|asylum.
You must be a robot.
Diagnosis complete.
I do other human stuff.
I age! See? I'm Nurse Ratchet.
|Please come with me, won't you? We'll meet your roommate next.
|His name is Malfunctioning Eddie.
The car dealer?|I guess his prices really were insane.
He's very excitable, so don't|say anything to surprise him.
- Pleased to meet you.
|- We've met.
What?! I'm a pretty girl.
I'm a pretty girl.
|I'm a pretty girl.
- Someone had a busy day!|- My roommate exploded.
You gotta help me.
|How can I prove I'm human? - You could drop dead.
|- I don't wanna! Hey.
I believe you are a human.
You do? They don't believe I'm a human either.
|Name's Unit 2013.
Let me introduce you around.
Fry, meet Norm.
Still picking up|CIA transmissions on your teeth? They just won't stop! The CIA cafeteria menu for the|Week of May 15th is as folloWs: Monday, shepherd's pie- Cuckoo.
- Let me guess.
He thinks he's Lincoln?|- He's supposed to.
Problem is, he's got multiple|personalities.
All of them Lincoln.
I was born in 200 log cabins.
And this here is Frankie.
He thinks he's a lunchroom worker.
|So they put him here.
- How's working the lunchroom?|- All right.
Poor Frankie.
Change places! I can't take much more of this.
|I want out of here! Are you crazy? This is great.
|Electroshock whenever you want two Lincolns for every Napoleon.
Sweet light crude! But I'm not a robot! I don't like|having disks crammed into me.
Unless they're Oreos, and only in|the mouth.
Don't you see? I'll die! Quit your bellyaching|and take it like a robot.
Change places! They say you're making strides|with your exploding problem.
Well, the way I see it- Get me out.
I'd have starved if not|for that sick vending machine robot.
Give me! Give me! Poor Fry.
He's got the munchies|for freedom.
We're trying.
|We petitioned the governor but he doesn't want to appear soft|on those falsely imprisoned.
At least I have friends on the outside.
|Bender's been no help at all.
Je sui Napolìon! No, seriously, I'm not.
You should be more ashamed than usual.
Lighten up, honey.
I'm getting through|a difficult time using humor.
Visiting hours are over.
|Time for our medication disks.
Help me! For God's sake, help me! Don't worry, Fry.
I too once spent|a nightmarish time in a robot asylum.
But now it's nearly over.
So long.
Thirty days, September, April, June.
|Peanut butter.
What am I gonna do? Oh, God! What? What? What is it now? - You are being released.
|- Finally! Sweet justice! Sweet, juicy justice! - Not you.
Him.
|- Me? What a surprise! - Look! I barely exploded at all.
|- We can control that with medication.
Fry? Are we ready to|meet our new roommate? - Hi, Red!|- Roberto? What are you doing here? - I got busted robbing that bank again.
|- Why the same bank twice? That first time was just to|case the joint and rob it a little.
- What's the matter? You scared?|- N-, n-, n- Noticeably? I'll say.
Now stand back.
|I gotta practice my stabbing.
No! Please! Help! Stop it! Police! Hey, keep it down in there!|I'm tuning my banjo! Jeez, Red.
Quit cowering.
|You call yourself a robot? I'm not a robot! I'm not a robot! In answer to your question, Hermes,|yes, your friend is cured.
Oh! Thank God! Notice he no longer suffers|delusions of humanity.
Affirmative.
I feel nothing.
|I am a robot.
Beep, beep, beep You've made a terrible mistake.
He's a|human being.
Not a machine! Oh, Fry! Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep Gonna sing a little tale|About a battle called Waterloo Bonjour, y'all! Fry, just because you think you're|a robot doesn't make you one.
I think I'm a doctor, but that doesn't|make me a doctor.
These clothes do.
I must be a robot.
Why else|would human women not date me? Oh, lots of reasons.
Terminate noise exchange.
It is time for you to ingest|sandwiches from my compartment.
Here we go.
Just a minute.
And doWn the stretch,|it's Daddy's Little Grandpa folloWed by Perennial Loser.
|Bringing up the rear, it's Lasty! - Come on, Lasty!|Hey, Bender.
Roberto! What a surprise|to see you in here! Especially because I didn't squeal.
|Remember, I didn't squeal? Do you? Yeah.
Now lie down and play dead.
|And don't ham it up.
Sure.
Anything for you, buddy.
Wait here, Bender.
|I need to get a disguise.
What's with the getup? I'm in disguise 'cause I wanna escape.
|You in? Or do I gotta kill you? I'm in! I'm in! When were you planning|the breakout? I'm thinking, a few seconds ago.
Quick! Let's keep escaping! Times two.
Carry the one.
Oh, you sad, worthless human.
That was my anniversary|gift from LaBarbra! - Fear not, for I shall assist ye!|- Robots don't say "ye.
" Relax, mammal.
My robotic software|shall meet your calculatory needs.
What is this symbol? That's a plus sign, you loony!|Quit thinking you're a robot! I'll show ye.
Stand back! I'm a tool-bot.
You're not a tool-bot or a food-mo-tron.
|You're not a robot of any kind.
Yes, I am.
I simply haven't discovered|my primary function yet.
Okay.
This has got to stop.
I'll remind Fry of his humanity,|the way only a woman can.
You're going to do his laundry? Fry, this is for you.
- Beep.
|- Oh, for God's sake! By a scallop's forelocks,|what's with all the beer? Alcohol fuels my power cells.
|And, as a mighty robot, I- Beep.
- Thanks for helping me escape.
|- It was nothing.
It was not nothing! I want to repay you.
|Let me get you something in here.
Hands up! This is a stickup again! Wow.
Hitting the same place|three times? I admire your style.
Give me the remaining dough,|the calendars and that pen.
Tear it so most of the beads|are on my end! Police.
You're busted! And don't try anything.
|This glass is laser-proof.
Fire lasers! Duck! Lasers! Come on! I got a place|where I like to hide after crimes.
He looks like a little|insane drunken angel.
Hey, everybody.
|Meet my good pal, Roberto.
- Hey, mon.
|- Nice to meet you.
Come out with your hands up!|- Hostages! - Back off! I got hostages!|- Hooray! I'm helping! Do you have any better hostages? To show them who's crazy,|I'll execute some of you.
You? Ouch! That's going to bleed|when my heart beats.
- Wait! Take me first!|- Yes! Take her first! Shut up! Stop telling me|how to do this! Oh, the fear! I'm thinking of a number between one|and 10.
Guess it, and you die first.
- Go!|- Okay.
- Fifty-six-ish?|- Fifty-six? Fifty-six? Man! Now that's all I can think about! I'm gonna kill you,|you no good, 56-ing-! Don't kill me! I'm coming down|with Stockholm Syndrome handsome.
Halt, fellow robot! Hey, Red! You're just in time|to join the hostage situation.
- Which side do you want to be on?|- The side that kicks your metal ass.
Fry! Stay back! He's too powerful! Negative, bossy meat creature.
|I now know my primary function: I am a battle-droid, protecting|the weak from crazy robots.
I'm not crazy! Don't call me crazy!|I'm just not user-friendly.
Don't be a hero! It's not covered|by the health plan! Let's see how much of a robot|you really are! No knife can penetrate|my skin-tanium armor.
Help! Help! He is a battle-droid!|Somebody help me! Mommy! I'm sorry I spilled|the transmission fluid, Mommy.
No, no! Don't weld me|to the wall, Mommy! We're willing to listen|to your demands.
Hey, baby.
Wash that off|before you put it back.
Hooray!|Bravo! You did it, Fry.
Congratulations, buddy.
|You're a credit to my race.
It was nothing.
I- Blood? Robots don't have blood.
|I must be a- - A squid?|- A human! Oh, my God! I'm a human! Also good.
Thanks for saving us, Fry.
I'm gonna continue never washing|this cheek again.
You may be wrapped in greasy skin, but|inside you have the heart of a robot.
Thanks, Bender.
Just like inside me,|I've got the heart of a human.
What? What?