George Lopez (2002) s03e12 Episode Script

- Hey, George.
- Hey.
I know it's still a few days till Christmas, but, uh, I wanted to give you this.
You know, for everything you've done for me.
Oh, man.
This is really expensive, Ernie.
This is the good stuff.
Hey, you're my best friend.
I got you something too.
I just haven't had a chance to wrap it.
Oh, that's okay.
I'll take it now.
You know what's really amazing is that we're such good friends, I got you the same scotch.
Wow, this is amazing.
- Hey, was yours on sale too? - No.
George.
Come on, Carmen, pick up the phone.
Ha, ha.
I miss you too.
Wait.
Somebody's calling.
But I can't click over.
- I'll miss hearing your voice.
- Aw.
I'd miss hearing you too.
- I'm glad we're back together again.
- Heh.
You're so sweet for saying that.
Oh, Carmen, I better go.
- Why? - I just got an e-mail from you and I'm dying to read it.
Okay, then we'll both hang up at the same time, okay? On the count of three.
One, two, three.
- Are you still there? - Yeah.
Okay, for real this time, okay? One, two, three.
Finally.
Man, I used to look up to that guy.
Max! Oh, I can't believe you.
That was a private conversation.
That wasn't a conversation.
"Oh, Jason.
Oh, Carmen.
Let's both gag on the count of three.
- One, two, three.
" Aah! - You are so dead! I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're adopted.
When you turn 16, your head will explode, just like your real mom's did.
Hey, hey, hey.
What are you two doing down here? He was listening in on my phone call with Jason.
- Max.
I told you, no more eavesdropping.
- It doesn't hurt anybody.
It violates their privacy.
You know what? Christmas is coming up.
I'm tempted to tell Santa and let him deal with you.
- No, please don't tell Santa.
I'll stop.
- I have to think about it.
But right now, no more video games for the rest of the week.
Okay, but please don't tell Santa.
- Jason? - Yes, it's Jason.
Listen, we talk on the phone too much.
I don't love you anymore.
Get your mother.
It's dad.
My dad.
- Hey, honey.
- Hey, baby, listen.
I wanted to talk before you get the rest of Max's presents.
Hold on a second.
Go to the other room.
I need to talk to your father in private.
Ho, ho, ho! - When did you have time to do the shopping? - I went on my lunch break.
I got Max everything on his list to Santa.
- Everything? - Everything except the monkey.
We can lock my mom in the yard, throw bananas watch her through the glass.
Ho, ho, ho! - Have you been naughty or nice? - Save it, you big fake.
Naughty.
Naughty.
Naughty.
- Look, honey, it's coming up to us.
- Come on.
It's okay.
No, don't feed it.
It'll follow us home and make us pay for its wedding.
- Hey, hey.
Carmen.
- Hey, Jason.
- Hey, Jason.
- See you, Jason.
Okay, you two, break it up.
We're not doing anything wrong.
You kiss Mom in front of people.
Okay, that's different, all right? We're married.
It means nothing to us.
If it means nothing to you, then why do you close your eyes and lift your leg? You shouldn't be kissing at work anyway.
All right.
Fine.
I won't do it here.
I'm on break.
Come on, J-Mac.
A girl her age should not do that stuff in front of people.
I thought he owned a van.
What's he waiting for? - I'm gonna put a stop to this.
- Wait, honey, relax, okay? I don't like it either, but Carmen's a teenage girl with a great boyfriend.
She's just trying to send a message to the other girls that he's mine.
Well, I think Jason's brain Make room.
It's a pretty world you live in.
- What are you doing? - I'm playing the video game.
No, you're not.
That's your punishment for eavesdropping.
You want me to tell Santa you were disobeying now? Yeah, I do.
Why don't you tell Santa right now? He's sitting right next to you.
- What? - I know, Dad.
I heard you on the phone with Mom.
You're Santa.
- Come on, Max.
You think I'm Santa? - Yeah.
All right, look, I'm gonna tell you something.
And no one likes to say this in public.
But Santa is white.
If a Mexican was driving around with a bagful of presents he'd get pulled over every two seconds.
- George.
- "All right, Hector, let's see the receipt.
" George.
I think it's time we tell him the truth.
Santa found out you were listening in on phone calls.
He put you on the naughty list, so we had to buy your gifts.
- I'm your mother.
Have I ever lied to you? - "Shots don't hurt.
It doesn't matter if you win or lose.
Dyslexia is a gift.
" Well, I gotta say, Max, you got a lot of guts because if Santa finds out you don't believe in him, you're gonna lose all your presents.
Are you willing to take that chance? Are you? I don't know what to believe anymore.
This is like when the tooth fairy left that note that said: "This 20 is for your whole mouth.
We're done here.
" Who do you gotta French to get a burrito around here? Max, what are you doing? That ball is keeping me up.
I'm trying to stay awake.
I'm gonna sneak downstairs and catch Dad putting out all the gifts.
But, what if it's not Dad, huh? I mean, what if it really is Santa? You know, he is pretty sneaky.
You might not be able to hear him.
Oh, I'll hear him.
I put habanero sauce in the cookies.
If Santa takes one bite, he'll fly back to the North Pole on his own butt power.
But what if the wrong person eats? I think that's a great plan.
- I got him, Angie! I got him! Ow! - Good, good, good! Get him! - Hold him, George! - I got him! Hold him! Hold him! - What's happening? - Your dad caught Santa Claus.
- Really? Mm-hm.
Did you see him, Max? Did you see Santa Claus? No.
He was here? I had him by the beard and the seat of his pants, but he broke out of my grip.
He's quick, Max.
He's like one of those big guys that can move, like Jack Black.
- You really had him? - Yeah.
And this is all that I got.
Look, son, I know it's not the same as seeing Santa Claus, but you can have it if you want.
Wow.
This has been all over the world.
I bet elves made it.
Yeah.
I bet some little people in a crowded workshop somewhere made that.
Thanks, Dad.
This is the coolest thing ever.
Okay, kids.
That's enough excitement for tonight.
Everybody back to bed, huh? Wait.
Why don't we open the presents now? I mean, Santa just left them.
They're fresh.
No, we have to wait till tomorrow morning.
Can I open one of my CDs? I can listen to it tonight.
Who said you were getting CDs? Huh? This could be that diamond necklace you asked Santa for.
Oh, my God! Aah! - Go to bed, all right? - I have to see what it is.
Go to bed.
Dad? Do you think Santa knows that I didn't believe? No.
Don't even worry about it, son.
Good night.
- Mm, look at my man.
- Yeah, that's right.
Putting the hurt on Santa.
Fat man tries to slide down my chimney? I don't think so, ese.
I'll take on the Easter bunny tambien.
The tooth fairy, Old Man Kwanzaa, call them, I'll be right here.
Ah, ah.
You've been so good about watching what you eat.
- Yeah, you're right.
- I'll go get you a rice cake.
Rice cake? That loca rice cake.
Oh, my God! Hot! Hot! But before Santa got away, my dad got me this.
- It's gonna be in a museum someday.
- That's the dumbest thing I ever heard, Lopez.
You know, it doesn't hurt when my teacher says it and it doesn't hurt when you say it.
Your dad's full of crap.
He just did it to keep you believing in Santa.
- No, he didn't.
- You got punked, dude.
- Give me that! - Make me.
You know, this is dangerously close to naughty.
You know, I was getting a little jealous watching you play football today.
Why's that? Because all the other players were slapping you on your butt.
By the way, good game.
I'm gonna go upstairs and put on that sweater you got me for Christmas.
Okay.
Jason.
Outside.
Have a seat.
- What's going on? - Look I'm happy that you care about my daughter.
But whenever I see you kissing, or touching, or holding her I see me choking, killing and burying you.
Listen, I'm not into public affection either, all right? It's embarrassing.
But, come on, you know what it was like in high school.
The girls, they just wanna hang all over you.
Yeah, that's what it was like.
Non-stop kissing.
Girls kissing me.
Yeah, that was it.
Ah, Mr.
Lopez, what am I gonna do? I mean, I wanna stop, but I don't wanna hurt Carmen's feelings.
You know, if only we could find someone who would be willing to hurt Carmen's feelings.
- Oh, forget it.
I'll just do it.
- Oh, really? Yeah.
You know, she may get mad at me.
She may even, God forbid, stop talking to me.
Thanks, Mr.
Lopez.
Next time you guys get together, get Carmen to start all that kissing and stuff, okay? - And I'll take care of it.
- George, I need you in here! - Later.
- All right.
What happened? Kenny Tolentino said you tricked me about Santa Claus.
Even after I showed him the beard and the piece of Santa's suit.
- So he hit you? - Uh-huh.
When I wouldn't say there wasn't a Santa, he knocked me down and started punching me.
- Well, you didn't do anything? - I made him bleed.
I moved my head and he punched the sidewalk.
You know, that never worked for me.
I would move my head and they would just punch another part of my head.
He says he's gonna beat me up every day after soccer until I admit there's no Santa.
- How many more soccer games do you have? - Honey.
- Maybe it's time? - No.
Don't listen to that kid.
He doesn't know what he's talking about.
Max, go upstairs and get cleaned up, huh? Take this and keep it on your eye and I'll be up in a minute.
Go on.
Go on, go.
What are you doing? You want him to get beat up every day? No, Angie, I don't want him to get beat up every day.
I won't let some bully ruin Santa Claus for my son.
Look, when I was a kid, my mom didn't give a crap about Christmas.
There was no magic, there was no wonder, nothing.
You know what she would do? She'd make tamales.
You know why? So on Christmas morning I had something to unwrap.
"Is it a puppy? No, it's pork.
" All right.
I get it.
I'll look in the student registry and e-mail this Kenny kid's parents.
No, Angie, not one of your strongly worded e-mails.
Your words are like bullets.
No.
There ought to be a waiting period on your keyboard.
- We can't just do nothing.
- Relax.
I got it all worked out.
- In 20 seconds.
- Trust me.
- Honey.
- Angie.
I got this! Hey.
Santa's little helper.
Say he's not real, or you're going down.
I see you have Band-Aids on your knuckles.
You might wanna remember where you got those.
- Say it, Slow-Pez, "Santa isn't real.
" - No.
My dad wouldn't lie.
I guess you're just gonna have to learn the hard way.
I'm real! Ho, ho, ho! - Punch it, Rudolph.
- I'm an elf! - Hey.
- Hey, Mr.
Lopez.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
We're just looking for a movie to see.
Oh, yeah? Let me see that, uh, sports page.
Oh, your hair smells so good.
Like peaches.
That smell good.
You know that I only want my head to smell good for you.
Heh.
Oh, whoa! Oh! - Okay, that's enough! - What is it, Mr.
Lopez? Look, I'm tired of all this public affection.
It's gotta stop.
We're not doing anything wrong.
We're showing we like each other.
I like pizza but you don't see me rubbing it all over my chest and sticking it in my back pockets.
Look, Carmen, I'm your father, okay, and I make the rules.
No more kissing.
- No more touching.
- That is so harsh, Mr.
Lopez.
End of discussion! - Thank you.
- But, Dad, this sucks.
This is gonna be so hard for me.
Because wherever we are, I always wanna have you kiss me, or call me honey bunny.
It's too bad.
Hey.
We can still do all those things.
Just not in front of my dad.
Let's go down to the mall.
We can go by the fountain and Eskimo kiss.
The nose thing? - Yes, honey bunny.
- Oh, this is so hot.
- I just ran an errand with Ernie.
- Okay.
It's the truth.
That's where I was.
Call him, he'll tell you the same thing.
I know it was you, Dad.
What are you talking about? Kenny tried to beat me up today and some guy dressed as Santa Claus pushed him into the bushes.
No, Max.
That couldn't have been your father because as an adult he knows it's illegal to assault a minor.
And that "I got this" isn't a defense in a court of law.
I know it was you, Dad.
All right, Max.
Sit down.
You're old enough.
I guess it's time we had this talk.
Don't talk to me.
Talk to Santa.
He's the one that's gonna be mad at you.
You can't just dress up like him and go pushing kids into bushes.
First you tear his coat and then this? What scares me the most is, you're not even thinking.
You know what? You're right.
I'm sorry.
And I'll write a letter tonight to Santa and explain the whole thing.
Thank you.
Oh.
And next year? Tell Santa less socks, more monkey.
Am I good or what? I can make anybody believe anything.
- Max, Carmen, you.
- You don't lie to me anymore.
I lie to you before I even know what I'm saying.
The lies are backed up like planes waiting to take off.
"I love to go shoe shopping with you.
Your stories about work are fascinating.
You know, this house could use some more candles.
" There goes one now.
I'm real! Ho, ho, ho! - Angie! Angie! Angie! - What? What is it? - He was here.
- Who? Santa.
He pushed me in the bushes and then he disappeared.
- Max is upstairs.
You don't have to do this.
- I'm telling you.
It was the real Santa.
I'm gonna go make you some coffee.
I'm not drunk.
Where'd Santa go? You never leave a man behind!