Hey Arnold! (1996) s03e12 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold!
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold.
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head.
ALL: Hey, Arnold.
(SERENE INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
HELGA: Why'd you have
to bunt, Arnold?
Wolfgang threw you
a cream puff,
you could
have knocked it
out of the park.
I reckon it was
the right play, Helga.
Iggy was on third.
He was
the go-ahead run.
Sometimes you have
to make a sacrifice
so the team can win.
Well, that's
a great theory,
football head,
except for one thing.
We lost!
But winning
isn't everything.
The important thing
is, we're a team.
And there's
nothing more important
than sticking together
as a team whether
you win or lose.
Right?
Yeah, right. Arnold.
See you in
the funny papers, loser.
See you, Arnold.
See you, Stinky.
Arnie, where've
you been?
Coach Wittenberg?
I've been looking
all over the neighborhood
for you, repetitively.
I was playing baseball.
Did you win?
I went for
the sacrifice bunt,
but we lost.
Oh, how many times
have I told you, repetitively,
sacrifice plays
are for losers.
The important thing
is to win.
Win. Winning
is everything, Arnie.
Right, coach.
Listen, Arnie, I need to talk
to you about something,
conversationally speaking.
Tish and I
are getting remarried
again for a second time
this Saturday.
That's great, Coach.
And I want you
to be my best man.
Me?
That's right, Arnie.
But, why me?
Well, a guy's best man
is supposed to be
his best friend, right?
When I made a list
of all my friends,
I came to one conclusion.
What's that?
I don't have any.
Except you, Arnie.
You were the captain
of my bowling team.
You taught me
all that psycho-chology jazz.
You believed in me
when nobody else did.
You're my only real
true friend, Arnie.
And I want you
to be my best man.
What do you say?
Okay, coach.
Great!
What do I have to do?
Ah, just a few
simple things.
I want you to
invite your friends,
we're gonna need
a couple of ushers,
there's a ringbearer
and you gotta help me pick out
some monkey suits.
Maybe I should
write this down.
Good thinking, Arnie.
So, anyway,
Helga,
since you held
the captainship
of my bowling team,
and since, well,
my cousin Connie
is out of town,
I want you to be
the maid of honor
at my wedding, Saturday.
Gee, Tish, would I get
to wear a fancy-looking dress
with bows and lace
and frilly little doodads?
Well, yeah.
You know, I think
I'm busy Saturday.
Yeah, well,
that's too bad,
'cause you know,
your little friend Arnold
is gonna be
the coach's best man.
Arnold?
I thought it would
have been cute
to watch you two
walk down
the aisle together.
(CHURCH MUSIC PLAYING)
Do you, Helga,
take Arnold
as your lawfully
wedded husband?
I do. I do.
I do. Oh, I do!
You do what?
Why are you screaming,
"I do, I do"?
Um, because, I do agree
to be your maid of honor.
(LAUGHING SHEEPISHLY)
We look like undertakers.
Shucks. I like it.
I reckon I'm gonna
keep it over
a couple extra days
and wear it
to school on Monday.
Stinky, you're
a weird kid.
I know,
but I look snazzy.
I look like a moron.
You just need to make
a few little altercations
and you'll look
like an angel.
Altercations, huh?
You know, it's funny,
you remind me of me
when I was your age.
Clumsy, awkward,
big feet,
always scowling
What's your point?
I was about your age
when I first met Jack,
and I always
had a thing for him.
I mean, right
off the bat.
But I was too shy
to tell him.
So, instead, I made
fun of him, you know,
called him names.
You know, so nobody
would get wise
I really liked him.
I used to always
challenge him
at games and sports.
Jack hates to lose.
But one time
we were playing whack-a-mole
down at the boardwalk,
and he let me win.
Now, he didn't know
I knew that he let me win,
and I didn't
say nothing.
That's when I knew
that he liked me
like I liked him.
And ever since then,
we've been like this.
And now we're
getting remarried again,
repetitively for
the second time.
You know,
when I think about him,
I start feeling
all goofy inside.
Some day when
you get married, Helga,
you're gonna feel
all goofy inside
about some guy.
What, are you kidding?
Not me, sister.
I'm never feeling
goofy inside
about any guy.
I hate that mushy stuff.
And I'm never
getting married.
(CHURCH MUSIC PLAYING)
I do. I do!
I do! I do! I do!
Do what?
Why are you
screaming,
"I do, I do"?
Because I do really
love this dress.
(LAUGHS SHEEPISHLY)
That's the one.
The one in the middle
with the real big diamond.
It's $6000.
I meant the one next to it
with the real
small cubic
zirconium.
That's $450.
(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)
This is the one!
That's 25 cents,
coach.
Perfect!
Tish will love it.
You know, Arnie,
Tish means
a lot to me.
There are two things of
utmost impotence to me.
Tish and winning!
ARNOLD: But Tish is
the most important, right?
No, Arnie.
Winning is most important.
Come on, you know that.
But Tish is a close second,
and then air hockey.
I mean, air hockey is third,
or maybe second.
No, Tish is second
Well, it's close.
Winning, air hockey
and Tish.
They're all
in the top three.
Well, Arnie, tonight
is the rehearsal dinner
and then tomorrow
is the big day.
Great practice
rehearsal, Arnie.
Our defense
was defensive,
our offense
was offensive,
and our man-to-man
usher coverage
was in the zone.
Everything went great.
Nothing can go wrong now,
negative-wise, you know.
Are you gonna
eat all that, Jack?
Yeah. I'm gonna eat it.
That's why
I put it on my plate.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
You can't eat all that.
Of course, I can.
And what's more?
I bet you
I can clean my plate
faster than you
can clean yours.
TISH: You're on.
You're on!
(CHOMPING)
Score! I beat you, Jack.
Yeah, yeah. Well, that's
just the first round, Tish.
First one through
a plate of chicken wings
wins the game.
You're on.
You're on!
Coach, I don't think
it's a good idea
to get into a competition
with your wife right now.
I can take her.
But, Coach
She's going down!
Two full orders
of chicken wings!
(CHOMPING)
(SMACKS LIPS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
I want do-overs.
I beat you
fair and square, Jack,
in five out of nine events.
Why can't you
just admit it?
I'm number one.
Never!
I'll never
admit that, Tish.
I challenge you
to one game of air hockey
for the whole enchilada.
Tomorrow morning
at the arcade.
Whosoever wins
is the all-time champion
and number one.
TISH: All right, Jack.
Whosoever
wins tomorrow
is the best.
And no do-overs.
Deal!
But, Coach,
what about
the wedding?
It's tomorrow,
remember?
It was
tomorrow, Arnie.
That's right.
As of this
present time and moment,
the wedding is off,
temporarily and forever.
You took the words
right out of my mouth.
I'll make you eat
those said words
tomorrow, Tish.
In your dreams.
(MYSTERIOUS INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
I just don't
get it, Coach.
What's so important
about winning?
I told you before, Arnie.
Winning is everything.
There's nothing
more important
than winning.
What about Tish?
Tish is important.
Winning and Tish,
Tish and winning
They're one and two,
Arnie, it's real close.
But which one
is more important?
It's close.
It's real close.
Back off!
What if you
had to pick one?
I pick Tish, okay?
Tish! Tish! Tish! Okay?
Well, that's all over, Arnie.
The wedding is off.
Maybe not.
If you want
to win Tish back,
I think I know a way.
How?
Lose the air hockey match.
What?
Come on, Arnie,
air hockey
is the one game
I'm incomprehensibly
confident I can beat her at.
You have to
throw the game.
Take a dive
and let Tish win.
Show her you care
more about her
than about winning.
But, I love winning.
What do you love more?
Winning or your wife?
(SHIVERING)
(TISH AND JACK GRUNTING)
One-zip, Jack.
One-all, Tish.
(DINGING)
Ten-ten, Tish.
Next goal wins
the whole thing.
And proves once and for all,
for the last and final time
who is number one.
(CLICKING)
ARNOLD:
What do you love more?
Winning or your wife?
Yes! Haha.
I won, Jack.
Why can't you
just admit it?
I'm number one.
You're right, Tish.
You're number one.
What did you say, Jack?
I said, you're right, Tish.
You beat me.
You're the best.
You're number one.
Jack, that's the first time
you ever said that to me.
Yeah, well, well
Aww, Jack.
(BRIDAL MARCH PLAYS)
Do you take Coach Wittenberg
to be your lawfully
wedded husband?
I do, repetitively.
And you, Coach Wittenberg,
take Tish to be
your lawfully wedded wife?
I do, also,
repetitively.
I now pronounce you,
"still husband and wife."
(ALL CHEERING)
Race you to the car?
(SURREAL INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
(EXCLAIMING ADORINGLY)
Helga,
are you all right?
I do! I do! I do!
Oh, I do
not want you
to touch me ever again,
football head.
Uh, okay.
Oh!
(SIGHS)
Thanks, Arnie,
you were a great best man,
cataclysmically.
Thanks, Coach.
Jack, I gotta
ask you something.
Ask away,
my fair Tish.
Did you let me win
the match this morning?
What are you
talking about?
I don't know, Jack.
I get the feeling you didn't
give me your best game.
Come on. You won, Tish!
You were the best.
Number one!
I want a rematch,
right now.
Now? What about
the honeymoon?
That's it, I'm driving
to the arcade, and I
want your best game, Jack.
Okay, okay.
You asked for it, Tish.
You're on.
You're on!
(TIRES SCREECH)
(ALL CHEERING)
(BELL RINGING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
RHONDA: Psst, psst.
Hey, Arnold.
This is for
your eyes only.
Okay.
"A high tea party
this evening
"at the home of
miss Rhonda
Wellington Lloyd."
Restricted invitations?
It means not everyone
is invited, okay?
Only the cool kids.
Last time I had a party,
I invited everyone.
This time, I'm downsizing.
I'm eliminating
the geeks.
Uh-huh.
See? You, Arnold,
have made the cool list.
How did I do that?
I don't know,
I guess it's
your moodiness.
That brooding air
of mystery
you have, Arnold.
Your unique
sense of style.
My unique sense of style?
Yeah, like that weird
little skirt thing
you always wear.
It's cool.
It's my shirt.
See? That's what I mean.
The way you call it
a "shirt" is so cool.
It's bold, Arnold.
You're a bold kid.
So, are you coming?
Uh, I guess.
(CHUCKLES) I cannot believe
Rhonda actually put me
on her cool list.
I was sure
she thought
I was a geek.
You, a geek?
Please!
Look around you, Arnold.
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)
BOTH: A five, six, seven,
eight, and jump!
You going to the party?
She didn't invite me.
Well, not yet. But I'm
sure she will, Gerald.
You're right, Arnold.
After all, I am
the definition of cool.
What about Gerald?
Geek.
Gerald?
On the geek list?
How come?
He's nice, he's funny,
everyone likes him.
He seems pretty cool to me.
Yeah, well, I've been
furious at him
ever since he became
class President.
So, what?
Class President is cool.
Yes, but he
ran against me.
And that was
definitely not cool.
Hey, Arnold,
did you get invited
to Rhonda's party?
Yeah. You going?
No. None of us
got invited.
None of you?
I surveyed
all of P.S. 118
fourth graders.
So, far only Nadine,
Katrinka, Park,
Iggy and Lorenzo
are invited.
And you, Arnold.
Well, what about me?
I'm shocked to
report this, Gerald,
you are also on
Rhonda's geek list.
What?
So, with the exception
of the football head here,
we all made
Rhonda's geek list.
Criminy.
Yeah. Just how does she
define geek, anyway?
Unabridged dictionary
of American slang
defines geek
as a circus performer
whose job is
to bite the head
off a live chicken
for the audience's
amusement.
Bite the head
off a chicken?
Well, that's
totally unfair.
None of us bite off
chicken heads.
Except Curly.
Yeah! And that was
just the one time!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
I'm actually
kind of mad about
this geek list, you know.
It hurts when this
kind of thing happens.
Yeah. We got
feelings too!
I bet Rhonda thinks
I'm a geek
because I'm fat
and loud
and obnoxious!
And I'll bet
she thinks
I'm a geek
'cause my dad
cuts my hair
with a bowl.
I bet she thinks
I'm a geek because
of my huge nose.
It's not that huge, Sid.
Thanks, Stinky,
but you're just saying that
'cause you've got
the biggest honker
in the whole city.
No offense.
None taken.
All right. Forget her,
you bunch of losers.
Since when does
Princess Rhonda Lloyd
get to decide
who's cool
and who's a geek?
Doi. Who died and made her
President of the universe?
Yeah! Forget Rhonda's
stupid party!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
You know, Gerald,
maybe I shouldn't go.
Are you kidding, Arnold?
It'll be great.
There's gonna be
lots of free food!
And cool kids!
They're the beautiful people.
(SIGHING)
It's like you
were born lucky,
or something, Arnold.
With a silver fork
in your mouth.
Yeah, just go, Arnold.
I got other plans
tonight, anyway.
Yeah. Go. Go!
And tell us
what it was like,
football head.
Come on, you guys.
Let's go throw rocks
at a dumpster.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Arnold, doll?
Ciao. Won't
you come in?
Arnold the doll?
Arnold, you, of course,
know Nadine and Katrinka.
But please meet Rex
Smythe Higgins, the third.
There's cucumber sandwiches
and lady fingers on
the buffet. Help yourself.
Thanks.
I've been
to England, too.
My second cousin
lives there.
She's a duchess
of some kind.
Hey, Arnold.
Hey, Park.
Hey, Peapod.
Having any fun?
Not really.
We're just pretending
to eat for a while
till we have to
go back in there
and listen to Rhonda
talk about her summer
vacation in Europe.
May I offer you
a toast point?
What does she do
with the rest of the toast?
Probably donates
to the awkward
and unfashionable.
Some cool party.
Yeah, it's
a real blast.
I'm so glad I invited
only the cool kids this time.
I mean, what's the point
of having a party
if you invite geeks?
They're just
an embarrassment, really.
Like, Eugene.
He's such a geek
he tucks his shirt
into his underpants.
(LAUGHING)
And Harold,
oh, oh, please!
The way he eats.
I can't bear to be in the same
lunch room with Harold.
And Stinky, where
did he learn English?
Green Acres?
(RHONDA LAUGHING)
Arnold, where
are you going?
You know, suddenly,
I'm not feeling cool enough
for this party.
But, thanks
for inviting me.
I think I'm gonna go.
Fine. Be that way.
Then you're off
my cool list.
Nadine.
Geek.
Hey, Arnold. Back from
the cool party already?
Yeah. Basically,
it stunk, so I left.
Wanna go do something?
But I thought
you had plans tonight.
Nah, I just made that up
so you wouldn't
feel bad about going
to Rhonda's party.
You want to go throw rocks
at Helga throwing
rocks at a dumpster?
Sure.
Yes! I got it!
(LAUGHING)
ARNOLD: Hey, guys.
Look, it's Arnold.
And he's back from
his visit with all them
beautiful people.
So, how was
the cool party,
football head?
You didn't miss
anything, Helga.
Yeah, but we're
still pretty mad at Rhonda
for not inviting us.
And we're really,
really mad at her
for putting us
on her geek list.
Yeah, it's like we have
all this unfocused rage.
I wish we could
do something about it.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
I say we all go over
and crash Rhonda's party
and eat all her food!
(ALL CHEERING)
Well, I say, we get
a car-load of horse manure
and leave it
on her porch!
(ALL CHEERING)
I say we paint ourselves
with tiger stripes
and go free
all the animals
at the zoo!
Fine, Curly.
We'll meet you there
in an hour.
Hurray!
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Poor twisted
little freak.
Hey, I've got an idea.
Oh, brother.
What's your
nobel-prize-winning idea
this time, goof wad?
How about if we all
go over to my place?
We could go up on the roof
and have a geek party.
And everybody is invited.
(YELLING)
Geek party
at Arnold's house!
(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL
ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
And then, my mother
ingested some bad
pate de fois gras.
And we had to motor on
to Cannes posthaste.
Oh, Cannes,
it was insane.
Excuse me. Do you have
any acetaminophen?
What is that noise outside?
Close the window.
Where are you two going?
Uh, we'll be
right back, Rhonda.
We just want to see
what's going on outside.
I don't think they're
coming back, Rhonda.
Looks like they're
going to Arnold's house.
Then they're
off the list.
Something's going on
at Arnold's.
It looks like
some kind of bizarre,
out-of-control happening.
Whatever it is,
it looks a lot
more fun than this.
Here, here, good fellow.
Let's beat a hasty retreat.
Um, Rhonda, I'm terribly,
terribly, terribly sorry.
My headache has
actually grown worse.
And I fear I must
take my leave.
Yeah, I better
go with him, too.
You know,
make sure he's okay.
Thanks for
the toast points.
Come on, let's
go to Arnold's.
I hear you on that one.
Park and Peapod kid,
no longer cool.
Off the list.
Hey, fourth grader,
what's going on?
Party at Arnold's house!
Come on,
Edmund, let's go.
But Wolfgang,
they're fourth-graders.
If we went,
wouldn't we
be uncool?
No.
Why not?
Because we are so cool
that even if we go
to an uncool party,
we'll still be cool.
Wow, Wolfgang,
you're really smart.
Duh. Come on!
(EDMUND CHUCKLING)
WOLFGANG: Let's go!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(CROWD CLAPPING)
EUGENE: I'm okay.
I can't believe
this is happening to me.
Everyone's left
the party, but you,
me and Katrinka.
Actually, Katrinka
just left.
What?
Fine, Katrinka
is off the list.
You know, maybe I'll go
check out what's going on
at Arnold's house.
Nadine, you can't
be serious.
You're my
best friend.
This is very uncool.
I'm sorry,
I have no choice.
So, I'm putting you
on the geek list.
Well, Rhonda,
you wanted to
have a party
for only
the cool kids.
But now that you've crossed
everybody off the cool list
except yourself,
I guess you're
the only cool kid left.
(EXCLAIMS)
I'm going to Arnold's.
Enjoy the rest
of your party.
I'm taking my bowl, okay?
Hi, stoop kid,
how're you doing?
There's food
and punch
on the table.
Man, everybody
came Arnold.
A five, six, seven,
eight, and jump!
Pretty geeky party,
football head.
Yup. It's
nearly perfect.
Nearly perfect?
Now, it's perfect.
Uh, hi, Gerald.
Hi, Arnold.
I brought some sandwiches.
Can I come to your party?
Well, I don't know,
let me see.
Sorry, this party
is for geeks only.
And you don't seem
to be on the geek list.
Perhaps you're
on the other list.
The "cool" list.
I want to be a geek.
What?
What was that?
I want to be a geek.
I can't hear you.
(YELLING)
I want to be a geek!
(ALL CHEERING)
Okay, Rhonda,
come on in.
I mean, I want to be
a geek, tonight only.
Tomorrow, I'm
gonna be cool again.
(CURLY EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)
Free the animals!
(LAUGHS EXULTANTLY)
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)