Hogan's Heroes (1965) s03e12 Episode Script
A Russian is Coming
( theme song playing ) All right, hold it.
Whoever it is, he's coming through the entrance to the tunnel.
All right, break.
Dubois? Why did you sneak in this way? Boy, you almost got shot.
In the underground, you have to get used to that.
What's up? Colonel, I have a present for you.
( whistles ) KINCH: What's that.
Qu'est-ce que c'est que ça? HOGAN: Just what I've always wanted-- a sleeping bag.
This one seems wide awake.
What's in there? A dog and a cat? Why did you bring him here? Why didn't you get rid of him outside? Well, I could not do that.
He's on our side.
KINCH: Then why is he all tied up? DUBOIS: Because he does not believe that we are on his side.
Who is he? He's a Russian pilot.
His plane was forced down with engine trouble in a field about a half a mile from here.
When we went to rescue him, he fought us like a maniac.
It took eight men to tie him up.
Did you tell him you were friends? Of course.
But, for him, anybody who doesn't speak Russian is the enemy.
Well, mon Colonel, he's going to be your baby now.
Thanks for leaving him on our doorstep.
Au revoir, mes amis.
Au revoir.
Au revoir.
All right, let's get him untied.
Wait a minute.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Let's make sure he understands we're friendly.
( slowly ): We are friends.
Understand? Allies.
Pals.
On the same side.
Buddies.
We're with you.
( speaks Russian ) "Friends.
" Understand? On the same side.
Yeah, all right.
He'll be okay.
Untie him.
Ow! He bit me! First person comes close gets this.
Oh, boy.
Look, comrade, get this straight: I'm Colonel Hogan, United States Air Force.
Carter, Kinch, American.
LeBeau, French.
Newkirk, English.
The men who brought you here are with the underground.
We work with them.
Now, put away the gun.
How do I know you are telling truth? How do you know we're not? KINCH: The colonel is leveling with you.
Do I look German to you? Lieutenant Igor Grygorovich Piotkin.
Welcome to Stalag 13.
Kinch.
Hi.
Great pleasure to meet you.
I'll bet you're hungry.
Da.
How would you know? I could tell by the way you bit my thumb.
I never saw a more suspicious man.
Well, he knows we're all right now.
That's right.
But do we know if he's all right? What are you getting at? Can you think of a better way to divert suspicion from yourself than to pretend to be suspicious of someone else? You mean you think he's a spy? I think we'd better ask him some more questions, just to satisfy ourselves.
Well, I'm not going to be so easy to satisfy.
Well, Igor, how's it going? Mmm.
How many home runs did Babe Ruth hit for the world's record? What? Who is Betty Grable married to? What you talk about? Who said, "Come up and see me sometime"? Guess that proves that Curly doesn't know.
Carter, all that proves is he isn't an American.
Yeah.
That's what it proves, all right.
I hope you fellows haven't forgotten the big birthday celebration tomorrow.
Of course not.
No, sir.
We've been waiting anxiously.
What birthday? Alexander Graham Bell's birthday.
He's a very famous American.
Never heard him.
He's the man who invented the telephone.
Is not true.
Telephone invented by Russian.
Every schoolchild know this.
American.
Russian.
American.
Russian.
American! Russian, Russian, Russian! He's the real McCoy.
Or the real McCoyski.
Igor Grygorovich Piotkin.
Yeah, okay, Iggy.
What are we going to do with him, Colonel? Try and fix his plane so he can fly out of here.
You are going to fix? What I know about my plane is newest, most advanced Russian model.
I know, Iggy.
It's exactly the same model we had two years ago.
Did you hear a plane landing last night? A plane with engine trouble? Yes, sir, I did.
I did, I did, I did, I did.
Here it is.
At 9:05.
You see, sir, I'm on top of everything.
Did you investigate to see if it was an enemy plane? Oh, naturally not.
I thought it was one of our planes.
Because it had engine trouble? Oh, sir, you know how it is.
So many of our planes come in all shot up, and you can hear the engine missing Last night, I did not hear a thing, sir.
A Russian plane was found a half a mile from this camp.
Oh, was it that close, sir? But the pilot was missing.
Headquarters in Berlin demands he be found right away.
Mm-hmm, oh, I know how unpleasant that can be, sir.
Especially when headquarters is on your neck all the time.
Oh, I have sympathy for you, sir.
What did you tell them? That I'm putting you in complete charge of finding the pilot.
You didn't.
I also told them that you will be personally responsible for the capture of the Russian.
General Burkhalter, you have put me into a terrible position.
Klink, believe me, you have my sympathy.
IGOR: Colonel! Colonel Hogan! All right, hold the noise down! Hold the noise down, Igor! You want the Germans to hear you? I just want to know when my plane will be landing.
I must get back to Russia.
There's been a change in plans.
What? Your plane has been found by the Nazis.
We're going to get you back to England.
I refuse.
I came from Russia.
I am going back to Russia.
How you going to get there, mate? Walk? How far is it to the Russian front? It's getting closer every day.
It's still out of the question.
Now, look, Igor, be reasonable.
NEWKIRK: Schultz! All right, look.
Switch.
Switch.
What are you doing?! Keep your head down! Colonel Hogan.
Oh, here you are, Colonel.
Did you hear the latest news? We shot down a Russian plane.
Our antiaircraft brought him down from 10,000 feet.
It was right near the camp.
Pretty good shooting, Schultz.
What happened to the pilot? He got away, but we are going to find him.
Oh, our men our looking for him.
The Fuhrer said all the Russians are cowards.
They're always on the run.
Reports I here, they're running the wrong way, Schultz.
What's the matter with him? Nothing.
He just doesn't want to get his hair cut.
( chuckles ) Just like a little boy, huh? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Colonel Hogan.
Mm-hmm? There seems to be some irregularity here.
HOGAN: Whatever it is, Schultz, it's your imagination.
I have to report.
Just a minute, Schultz.
Let me tell you a story first.
I have no time for stories.
This story you'll be interested in.
It's about a certain German sergeant who wanted to look good in front of his commanding officer by making a report on something he should have ignored.
Now, this sergeant, who, in his barracks, has 12 pounds of coffee, a dozen pair of nylons-- which, incidentally, are made in America.
You gave them to me.
Did I mention any names? Now, the story's about what would happen to this sergeant if the colonel Wait.
I'm going to count again.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
You're right.
It was my imagination.
Good.
All right, let's get him down in the tunnel.
Come on! Nyet! I will not go down there! Iggy, don't force me to make you see my point of view.
Might I see your point of view? Here's your hat.
Be careful.
Here he comes-- Schultz.
Colonel, I thought it over.
I am going to give you back the coffee and the nylons.
If that's the way you want it, Schultz.
That's the way.
Now I an going to report.
Naturally, you've got your duty to do.
Jawohl.
One, two, three, four five six, seven, eight, nine Something wrong, Schultz? I thought Never mind.
Now, about the nylons and coffee.
Trouble with you, Colonel Hogan, is you never know when someone is making a joke.
You were making a joke? Ja.
I was making a ha-ha.
Everything's okay? Ja.
Good.
Ha-ha.
Ha-ha.
Well, that takes care of Schultz.
Now what about Igor? There's still a problem.
Go down and bring him up, huh? Right.
You know, sir, he's not going to settle for anything less than Russia.
He's going to have to.
We're sending him to England.
Colonel, he's gone.
Gone? Yeah.
He went right out the tunnel entrance.
He's going back to Russia like a homing pigeon-- dead east.
He's not going to get very far with all those men Klink has searching for him.
Why don't we go out and look for him? In broad daylight? Not a chance.
Well, we can't just sit here.
You're right.
Where you going, Colonel? Sit in Klink's office.
Now, your squad will cover this entire area: sector B14.
The other squad will cover this entire area: sector C11.
Check everything and everybody.
I want you to find that Russian pilot.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
( phone ringing ) Yes? Colonel Klink speaking.
Lieutenant Bergman.
Anything new to report? Nothing.
No, you can't come here for lunch.
Forget about eating.
I'm hungry, too.
Just find that Russian pilot.
Looking for a Russian flier? Yes, I certainly am.
Why don't you put an ad in the paper? Must be a few of them who aren't busy.
I am looking for a pilot who landed in this area yesterday.
In other words, I'm looking for a particular pilot.
Ah, come on now.
Can't be too particular if he landed around here.
Colonel Hogan, are you here for anything special? Yeah, I wanted to know when you expect the Red Cross packages for my men.
When they get here, you'll get them.
Not sooner.
( phone ringing ) Sounds fair enough.
Oh, your telephone, sir.
Thank you.
Colonel Klink speaking.
Yes, Berlin.
Lieutenant Huber? Field Marshal Gruneke's aide.
Sir, it's a pleasure always to Yes, sir.
We're making a very thorough search for the Russian pilot.
Of course, sir.
As soon as we find him we'll let you know.
And, sir, I'd like to say I have left nothing to chance.
Every detail has been worked out.
( click ) Hello? Hello? These pins-- they aren't the area you're searching in.
They certainly are.
Don't you see the mistake you're I'm sorry.
It's none of my business.
That's right, Hogan.
It's none of your business.
It's not.
Hogan come back here.
You called me, sir? What, uh, were you going to say? It's really none of my business.
Hogan, as commanding officer here, it is my business to find out what's none of your business.
Now, talk.
Well, you've got all your search parties spread out east of the prison camp.
Why? Because it happens to be in the direction of Russia.
And it is reasonable to assume that a Russian would try to go to Russia.
Put yourself in his place.
Would you go in the area in which everyone was looking for you, or would you think to yourself they'll be looking here, but I'll go here.
The distance is shorter to England.
He can get help from the French underground.
Hogan, I've never heard such nonsense.
When it comes to military tactics, you're a child.
I'm not trying to compare myself to you, sir.
I should hope not.
Now, that's all.
This is Colonel Klink.
Message to all units.
Abandon search in all sectors east of the camp.
This is Colonel Klink.
Cover all areas west of the camp.
Unit commanders report to me every 15 minutes.
This is Colonel Klink.
I No, Lieutenant Bergman, forget about lunch.
I just want you to find that Russian pilot.
You said what to Klink? I just gave him Horace Greely's advice.
Who is Horace Greely? A great man who had a wonderful plan for relieving congestion in New York.
( knocking ) The tunnel.
Hey, maybe Igor's come back.
If he has, it's the first good sense he's shown.
Colonel Hogan, will you please keep your pigeon at home? Did he give you much trouble? Trouble? He's a one-man Russian front.
We'll keep an eye on him this time.
And, if he gets away again, I'm going to turn him over to the Germans in self-defense.
All right, Dubois.
Ta-ta.
You've been a naughty boy, Igor.
Colonel, as long as you keep me against my will, I am prisoner.
But you cannot watch forever.
I am not going to England.
I go to Russia! What's so special about Russia? Colonel, you have never been there? Never.
You do not know what you are missing.
Oh, really? Tell me.
I'd love to hear the story.
Will be pleasure.
Russia is most wonderful country.
Is it big? Ten times bigger than United States.
Most beautiful rivers.
The Volga is longest river in entire world.
Cities? Moscow Kinch, I want you to hook up a telephone wire from Klink's office to mine.
I'll have it rigged for you in a half hour.
Igor going to England? Nope.
Russia.
But, in 1925, shipping tonnage on Volga increased by ten percent, or 176,000 tons more.
At same time, wheat crops, in spite of We're all set.
We're all hooked into Klink's office.
Now all I got to do is attach this wire to this phone.
So you covered all the areas? Twice? Well, there's no use continuing.
Have all the units report to camp at once.
Schultz.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
The search is off.
Have all ( phone rings ) Yes? Colonel Klink speaking.
This is Lieutenant Huber.
Why haven't you reported to me? Field Marshal von Gruneke is very displeased.
Are you going on with the search for the Russian pilot? Of course, Lieutenant Huber.
Yes.
Yes.
Oh, I wouldn't dream of giving it up.
Our men are working all around the clock.
( crank phone ringing ) This is Colonel Klink speaking.
The search is on.
Have all units report back to the field.
No, Lieutenant Bergman, I do not want to hear about lunch, nor dinner either.
How do you like this Lieutenant Huber for gall? All right, I suppose.
All right? It's an outrage.
"Why haven't you reported to me?" "Sloppy, inefficient command.
" Imagine, a young lieutenant talking like that to me-- a colonel.
That's not nice! I don't have to take that.
If the field marshal finds out about this, he will not approve.
A field marshal understands discipline.
He would put that fresh Lieutenant Huber in his place.
And I'll see to it that he finds out about it.
Yes, he'll find out about it.
Get me Field Marshal von Gruneke's headquarters in Berlin at once.
It's most important.
Schultz, what are you standing around for? Don't you have something to do?! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
KLINK: Yes, tell him it is a matter concerning Lieutenant Huber.
I'll wait.
Huber? That wouldn't be the Huber whose uncle is Field Marshal von Gruneke, would it? His uncle?! Field Marshal von Gruneke? Wrong number.
What do you know about Lieutenant Huber? Oh, he's very well-known.
His sister's married to Goebbel's cousin.
His mother went to school with Goering's wife-- her best friend.
Goering? Oh, but most important, do you know who everyone says his father is? But Hitler is not married! So what? That would make Huber So's his old man.
Was then five-year plan introduced-- Actually, was only four and one quarter years.
Oh, thank goodness.
Factory production, agriculture quotas were increased.
The workers sang as they worked.
What about sleep? What a marvelous idea.
Six hours was found to be enough by our scientists.
As we cut our sleep, we increased working hours.
The first year was glorious success.
Let me give you figures.
Now, one would never expect Colonel Klink, this is Lieutenant Huber.
Why haven't I heard from you? What about the Russian? We haven't found him yet but, believe me, it'll be just a matter of an hour or two.
Colonel, we don't want excuses.
We want results.
Believe me, sir, we're doing everything we can.
That's not good enough.
I'm in your area now.
If we don't get some action soon, I'm coming in to take personal charge myself.
That won't be necessary, sir.
He can't get away.
We'll find him.
For your sake, I hope so.
By the way, were you the one who called my uncle, Field Marshal von Gruneke to talk about me? Why, no, sir.
I haven't been near my phone.
I must have some action or heads will roll.
Yes, sir.
He's got to be the son.
Igor, we're going to get you back to Russia.
That is wonderful.
But you'll have to trust me.
Do whatever I say, no matter what you think.
I will.
Fine.
Yes? Klink speaking.
This is Field Marshal von Gruneke.
Oh, Field Marshal von Gruneke.
Oh, I'm sorry, but we still haven't I just wanted to let you know we have captured the Russian flier here in Berlin.
You did? In Berlin? But, sir, your aide, Lieutenant Huber Don't mention Lieutenant Huber's name to me! He is a disgrace.
But he's your nephew, sir.
Not anymore! I have disowned him.
He stole money from the officer's mess.
Is that so? And now he has disappeared.
He's a deserter.
But, the last time he called, he said he was in this area.
If you see him, you will have him shot at once.
Yes, sir, I'll make a note of it: shoot Huber.
Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
That's too good for him.
I have a better idea.
Yes? Yes? Oh, that's perfect.
Oh, yes, sir.
That's much better.
Oh, yes, sir.
Igor, you'll soon be on your way, so we better say good-bye here.
Good-bye.
I guess now we're engaged.
Forget it.
Come on.
HOGAN: This is Colonel Klink's office right here.
Okay, Lieutenant Huber Ah, Lieutenant Huber, come in, come in, come in.
I cannot tell you how I've been looking forward to this little meeting.
You will never guess who I spoke to a little while ago.
KLINK: Hmm? You don't want to guess? Your uncle, the field marshal.
Oh, he's very unhappy.
You know, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Stealing.
And a deserter, too.
Hard to believe a field marshal's nephew could sink so low.
I suppose you're going to have him shot, sir? KLINK: No.
We have something much better in store for the young lieutenant.
Guard! Take this man to the transportation officer in town and give him this order.
You are being sent to the Russian front.
No, Colonel, not that! Yes, that's the place for him-- the Russian front.
Take him away.
Russian front? That's what I call justice.
Even better than that, it's getting even.
You know, it would be a funny thing if, um What? If he really wanted to go to the Russian front.
Ja.
( both chuckling ) That would be funny.
Whoever it is, he's coming through the entrance to the tunnel.
All right, break.
Dubois? Why did you sneak in this way? Boy, you almost got shot.
In the underground, you have to get used to that.
What's up? Colonel, I have a present for you.
( whistles ) KINCH: What's that.
Qu'est-ce que c'est que ça? HOGAN: Just what I've always wanted-- a sleeping bag.
This one seems wide awake.
What's in there? A dog and a cat? Why did you bring him here? Why didn't you get rid of him outside? Well, I could not do that.
He's on our side.
KINCH: Then why is he all tied up? DUBOIS: Because he does not believe that we are on his side.
Who is he? He's a Russian pilot.
His plane was forced down with engine trouble in a field about a half a mile from here.
When we went to rescue him, he fought us like a maniac.
It took eight men to tie him up.
Did you tell him you were friends? Of course.
But, for him, anybody who doesn't speak Russian is the enemy.
Well, mon Colonel, he's going to be your baby now.
Thanks for leaving him on our doorstep.
Au revoir, mes amis.
Au revoir.
Au revoir.
All right, let's get him untied.
Wait a minute.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Let's make sure he understands we're friendly.
( slowly ): We are friends.
Understand? Allies.
Pals.
On the same side.
Buddies.
We're with you.
( speaks Russian ) "Friends.
" Understand? On the same side.
Yeah, all right.
He'll be okay.
Untie him.
Ow! He bit me! First person comes close gets this.
Oh, boy.
Look, comrade, get this straight: I'm Colonel Hogan, United States Air Force.
Carter, Kinch, American.
LeBeau, French.
Newkirk, English.
The men who brought you here are with the underground.
We work with them.
Now, put away the gun.
How do I know you are telling truth? How do you know we're not? KINCH: The colonel is leveling with you.
Do I look German to you? Lieutenant Igor Grygorovich Piotkin.
Welcome to Stalag 13.
Kinch.
Hi.
Great pleasure to meet you.
I'll bet you're hungry.
Da.
How would you know? I could tell by the way you bit my thumb.
I never saw a more suspicious man.
Well, he knows we're all right now.
That's right.
But do we know if he's all right? What are you getting at? Can you think of a better way to divert suspicion from yourself than to pretend to be suspicious of someone else? You mean you think he's a spy? I think we'd better ask him some more questions, just to satisfy ourselves.
Well, I'm not going to be so easy to satisfy.
Well, Igor, how's it going? Mmm.
How many home runs did Babe Ruth hit for the world's record? What? Who is Betty Grable married to? What you talk about? Who said, "Come up and see me sometime"? Guess that proves that Curly doesn't know.
Carter, all that proves is he isn't an American.
Yeah.
That's what it proves, all right.
I hope you fellows haven't forgotten the big birthday celebration tomorrow.
Of course not.
No, sir.
We've been waiting anxiously.
What birthday? Alexander Graham Bell's birthday.
He's a very famous American.
Never heard him.
He's the man who invented the telephone.
Is not true.
Telephone invented by Russian.
Every schoolchild know this.
American.
Russian.
American.
Russian.
American! Russian, Russian, Russian! He's the real McCoy.
Or the real McCoyski.
Igor Grygorovich Piotkin.
Yeah, okay, Iggy.
What are we going to do with him, Colonel? Try and fix his plane so he can fly out of here.
You are going to fix? What I know about my plane is newest, most advanced Russian model.
I know, Iggy.
It's exactly the same model we had two years ago.
Did you hear a plane landing last night? A plane with engine trouble? Yes, sir, I did.
I did, I did, I did, I did.
Here it is.
At 9:05.
You see, sir, I'm on top of everything.
Did you investigate to see if it was an enemy plane? Oh, naturally not.
I thought it was one of our planes.
Because it had engine trouble? Oh, sir, you know how it is.
So many of our planes come in all shot up, and you can hear the engine missing Last night, I did not hear a thing, sir.
A Russian plane was found a half a mile from this camp.
Oh, was it that close, sir? But the pilot was missing.
Headquarters in Berlin demands he be found right away.
Mm-hmm, oh, I know how unpleasant that can be, sir.
Especially when headquarters is on your neck all the time.
Oh, I have sympathy for you, sir.
What did you tell them? That I'm putting you in complete charge of finding the pilot.
You didn't.
I also told them that you will be personally responsible for the capture of the Russian.
General Burkhalter, you have put me into a terrible position.
Klink, believe me, you have my sympathy.
IGOR: Colonel! Colonel Hogan! All right, hold the noise down! Hold the noise down, Igor! You want the Germans to hear you? I just want to know when my plane will be landing.
I must get back to Russia.
There's been a change in plans.
What? Your plane has been found by the Nazis.
We're going to get you back to England.
I refuse.
I came from Russia.
I am going back to Russia.
How you going to get there, mate? Walk? How far is it to the Russian front? It's getting closer every day.
It's still out of the question.
Now, look, Igor, be reasonable.
NEWKIRK: Schultz! All right, look.
Switch.
Switch.
What are you doing?! Keep your head down! Colonel Hogan.
Oh, here you are, Colonel.
Did you hear the latest news? We shot down a Russian plane.
Our antiaircraft brought him down from 10,000 feet.
It was right near the camp.
Pretty good shooting, Schultz.
What happened to the pilot? He got away, but we are going to find him.
Oh, our men our looking for him.
The Fuhrer said all the Russians are cowards.
They're always on the run.
Reports I here, they're running the wrong way, Schultz.
What's the matter with him? Nothing.
He just doesn't want to get his hair cut.
( chuckles ) Just like a little boy, huh? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Colonel Hogan.
Mm-hmm? There seems to be some irregularity here.
HOGAN: Whatever it is, Schultz, it's your imagination.
I have to report.
Just a minute, Schultz.
Let me tell you a story first.
I have no time for stories.
This story you'll be interested in.
It's about a certain German sergeant who wanted to look good in front of his commanding officer by making a report on something he should have ignored.
Now, this sergeant, who, in his barracks, has 12 pounds of coffee, a dozen pair of nylons-- which, incidentally, are made in America.
You gave them to me.
Did I mention any names? Now, the story's about what would happen to this sergeant if the colonel Wait.
I'm going to count again.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
You're right.
It was my imagination.
Good.
All right, let's get him down in the tunnel.
Come on! Nyet! I will not go down there! Iggy, don't force me to make you see my point of view.
Might I see your point of view? Here's your hat.
Be careful.
Here he comes-- Schultz.
Colonel, I thought it over.
I am going to give you back the coffee and the nylons.
If that's the way you want it, Schultz.
That's the way.
Now I an going to report.
Naturally, you've got your duty to do.
Jawohl.
One, two, three, four five six, seven, eight, nine Something wrong, Schultz? I thought Never mind.
Now, about the nylons and coffee.
Trouble with you, Colonel Hogan, is you never know when someone is making a joke.
You were making a joke? Ja.
I was making a ha-ha.
Everything's okay? Ja.
Good.
Ha-ha.
Ha-ha.
Well, that takes care of Schultz.
Now what about Igor? There's still a problem.
Go down and bring him up, huh? Right.
You know, sir, he's not going to settle for anything less than Russia.
He's going to have to.
We're sending him to England.
Colonel, he's gone.
Gone? Yeah.
He went right out the tunnel entrance.
He's going back to Russia like a homing pigeon-- dead east.
He's not going to get very far with all those men Klink has searching for him.
Why don't we go out and look for him? In broad daylight? Not a chance.
Well, we can't just sit here.
You're right.
Where you going, Colonel? Sit in Klink's office.
Now, your squad will cover this entire area: sector B14.
The other squad will cover this entire area: sector C11.
Check everything and everybody.
I want you to find that Russian pilot.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
( phone ringing ) Yes? Colonel Klink speaking.
Lieutenant Bergman.
Anything new to report? Nothing.
No, you can't come here for lunch.
Forget about eating.
I'm hungry, too.
Just find that Russian pilot.
Looking for a Russian flier? Yes, I certainly am.
Why don't you put an ad in the paper? Must be a few of them who aren't busy.
I am looking for a pilot who landed in this area yesterday.
In other words, I'm looking for a particular pilot.
Ah, come on now.
Can't be too particular if he landed around here.
Colonel Hogan, are you here for anything special? Yeah, I wanted to know when you expect the Red Cross packages for my men.
When they get here, you'll get them.
Not sooner.
( phone ringing ) Sounds fair enough.
Oh, your telephone, sir.
Thank you.
Colonel Klink speaking.
Yes, Berlin.
Lieutenant Huber? Field Marshal Gruneke's aide.
Sir, it's a pleasure always to Yes, sir.
We're making a very thorough search for the Russian pilot.
Of course, sir.
As soon as we find him we'll let you know.
And, sir, I'd like to say I have left nothing to chance.
Every detail has been worked out.
( click ) Hello? Hello? These pins-- they aren't the area you're searching in.
They certainly are.
Don't you see the mistake you're I'm sorry.
It's none of my business.
That's right, Hogan.
It's none of your business.
It's not.
Hogan come back here.
You called me, sir? What, uh, were you going to say? It's really none of my business.
Hogan, as commanding officer here, it is my business to find out what's none of your business.
Now, talk.
Well, you've got all your search parties spread out east of the prison camp.
Why? Because it happens to be in the direction of Russia.
And it is reasonable to assume that a Russian would try to go to Russia.
Put yourself in his place.
Would you go in the area in which everyone was looking for you, or would you think to yourself they'll be looking here, but I'll go here.
The distance is shorter to England.
He can get help from the French underground.
Hogan, I've never heard such nonsense.
When it comes to military tactics, you're a child.
I'm not trying to compare myself to you, sir.
I should hope not.
Now, that's all.
This is Colonel Klink.
Message to all units.
Abandon search in all sectors east of the camp.
This is Colonel Klink.
Cover all areas west of the camp.
Unit commanders report to me every 15 minutes.
This is Colonel Klink.
I No, Lieutenant Bergman, forget about lunch.
I just want you to find that Russian pilot.
You said what to Klink? I just gave him Horace Greely's advice.
Who is Horace Greely? A great man who had a wonderful plan for relieving congestion in New York.
( knocking ) The tunnel.
Hey, maybe Igor's come back.
If he has, it's the first good sense he's shown.
Colonel Hogan, will you please keep your pigeon at home? Did he give you much trouble? Trouble? He's a one-man Russian front.
We'll keep an eye on him this time.
And, if he gets away again, I'm going to turn him over to the Germans in self-defense.
All right, Dubois.
Ta-ta.
You've been a naughty boy, Igor.
Colonel, as long as you keep me against my will, I am prisoner.
But you cannot watch forever.
I am not going to England.
I go to Russia! What's so special about Russia? Colonel, you have never been there? Never.
You do not know what you are missing.
Oh, really? Tell me.
I'd love to hear the story.
Will be pleasure.
Russia is most wonderful country.
Is it big? Ten times bigger than United States.
Most beautiful rivers.
The Volga is longest river in entire world.
Cities? Moscow Kinch, I want you to hook up a telephone wire from Klink's office to mine.
I'll have it rigged for you in a half hour.
Igor going to England? Nope.
Russia.
But, in 1925, shipping tonnage on Volga increased by ten percent, or 176,000 tons more.
At same time, wheat crops, in spite of We're all set.
We're all hooked into Klink's office.
Now all I got to do is attach this wire to this phone.
So you covered all the areas? Twice? Well, there's no use continuing.
Have all the units report to camp at once.
Schultz.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
The search is off.
Have all ( phone rings ) Yes? Colonel Klink speaking.
This is Lieutenant Huber.
Why haven't you reported to me? Field Marshal von Gruneke is very displeased.
Are you going on with the search for the Russian pilot? Of course, Lieutenant Huber.
Yes.
Yes.
Oh, I wouldn't dream of giving it up.
Our men are working all around the clock.
( crank phone ringing ) This is Colonel Klink speaking.
The search is on.
Have all units report back to the field.
No, Lieutenant Bergman, I do not want to hear about lunch, nor dinner either.
How do you like this Lieutenant Huber for gall? All right, I suppose.
All right? It's an outrage.
"Why haven't you reported to me?" "Sloppy, inefficient command.
" Imagine, a young lieutenant talking like that to me-- a colonel.
That's not nice! I don't have to take that.
If the field marshal finds out about this, he will not approve.
A field marshal understands discipline.
He would put that fresh Lieutenant Huber in his place.
And I'll see to it that he finds out about it.
Yes, he'll find out about it.
Get me Field Marshal von Gruneke's headquarters in Berlin at once.
It's most important.
Schultz, what are you standing around for? Don't you have something to do?! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
KLINK: Yes, tell him it is a matter concerning Lieutenant Huber.
I'll wait.
Huber? That wouldn't be the Huber whose uncle is Field Marshal von Gruneke, would it? His uncle?! Field Marshal von Gruneke? Wrong number.
What do you know about Lieutenant Huber? Oh, he's very well-known.
His sister's married to Goebbel's cousin.
His mother went to school with Goering's wife-- her best friend.
Goering? Oh, but most important, do you know who everyone says his father is? But Hitler is not married! So what? That would make Huber So's his old man.
Was then five-year plan introduced-- Actually, was only four and one quarter years.
Oh, thank goodness.
Factory production, agriculture quotas were increased.
The workers sang as they worked.
What about sleep? What a marvelous idea.
Six hours was found to be enough by our scientists.
As we cut our sleep, we increased working hours.
The first year was glorious success.
Let me give you figures.
Now, one would never expect Colonel Klink, this is Lieutenant Huber.
Why haven't I heard from you? What about the Russian? We haven't found him yet but, believe me, it'll be just a matter of an hour or two.
Colonel, we don't want excuses.
We want results.
Believe me, sir, we're doing everything we can.
That's not good enough.
I'm in your area now.
If we don't get some action soon, I'm coming in to take personal charge myself.
That won't be necessary, sir.
He can't get away.
We'll find him.
For your sake, I hope so.
By the way, were you the one who called my uncle, Field Marshal von Gruneke to talk about me? Why, no, sir.
I haven't been near my phone.
I must have some action or heads will roll.
Yes, sir.
He's got to be the son.
Igor, we're going to get you back to Russia.
That is wonderful.
But you'll have to trust me.
Do whatever I say, no matter what you think.
I will.
Fine.
Yes? Klink speaking.
This is Field Marshal von Gruneke.
Oh, Field Marshal von Gruneke.
Oh, I'm sorry, but we still haven't I just wanted to let you know we have captured the Russian flier here in Berlin.
You did? In Berlin? But, sir, your aide, Lieutenant Huber Don't mention Lieutenant Huber's name to me! He is a disgrace.
But he's your nephew, sir.
Not anymore! I have disowned him.
He stole money from the officer's mess.
Is that so? And now he has disappeared.
He's a deserter.
But, the last time he called, he said he was in this area.
If you see him, you will have him shot at once.
Yes, sir, I'll make a note of it: shoot Huber.
Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
That's too good for him.
I have a better idea.
Yes? Yes? Oh, that's perfect.
Oh, yes, sir.
That's much better.
Oh, yes, sir.
Igor, you'll soon be on your way, so we better say good-bye here.
Good-bye.
I guess now we're engaged.
Forget it.
Come on.
HOGAN: This is Colonel Klink's office right here.
Okay, Lieutenant Huber Ah, Lieutenant Huber, come in, come in, come in.
I cannot tell you how I've been looking forward to this little meeting.
You will never guess who I spoke to a little while ago.
KLINK: Hmm? You don't want to guess? Your uncle, the field marshal.
Oh, he's very unhappy.
You know, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Stealing.
And a deserter, too.
Hard to believe a field marshal's nephew could sink so low.
I suppose you're going to have him shot, sir? KLINK: No.
We have something much better in store for the young lieutenant.
Guard! Take this man to the transportation officer in town and give him this order.
You are being sent to the Russian front.
No, Colonel, not that! Yes, that's the place for him-- the Russian front.
Take him away.
Russian front? That's what I call justice.
Even better than that, it's getting even.
You know, it would be a funny thing if, um What? If he really wanted to go to the Russian front.
Ja.
( both chuckling ) That would be funny.