Last Man Standing s03e12 Episode Script

"Last Man Standing" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
- Morning, Baxters.
- Morning.
Hey, honey.
How did you sleep? Sleep? Who can sleep with this crushing national debt hanging over our heads? Wow.
So you're just becoming the same person.
It's great, isn't it? Yeah, not so great.
Eve's been reposting the vlogs dad does for the store on Facebook, and she's getting killed.
Oh, man.
This comment is really inappropriate.
Oh, wait.
I wrote that one.
"Like"! I post dad's vlogs so our side of the story gets heard, you know? Like, the kids at my school don't like hearing the ugly truth about Hillary Clinton.
Well, how did you get to Hillary? I thought your last vlog was about kayaks? Kayaks to Whitewater, Whitewater to Travelgate Travelgate to Benghazi.
W why did I say "Benghazi"? Now I got an upset stomach, thanks to you.
What Well, my deepest apologies.
I don't know what I was thinking when I mentioned kayaks.
Whoa.
Eve, you officially have more "dislikes" than friends.
Yikes.
There should be a term for that.
Oh, wait.
I've a got it.
That's an "Eve Baxter.
" Honey "Like.
" Well, bring it on.
Trailblazer's got to take some hits.
Just like, uh, Barry Goldwater paved the way for Ronald Reagan, - right, dad? - Kid's smart.
She's not getting that from her appointed-for-life public-school teachers.
We really struck a nerve, dad.
Ooh "crawl back into the primordial ooze, you mutant, inbred hillbilly.
" Yeah, "primordial.
" We know that one's not Mandy.
You know what? I don't like the sound of any of this.
Relax, mom.
Richie Haden is the sophomore-class president and he and his gang of lefties have whipped the school into some pro-government frenzy.
Well, why don't you just stop reposting your father's vlogs? Thank God you weren't at Lexington and Concord.
We would have lost that war, and I'd be married to a 238-year-old woman.
"Extremism in defense of liberty is no vice.
" Boom.
Got to go.
Bye.
You know, there's not a lot of sophomore girls that are quoting Barry Goldwater these days.
Yeah, well, they usually wait till they're seniors actual seniors, like in their 80s.
You know what, honey? I I'm worried about Eve.
I mean, she acts all tough to try to impress you, but it's got to be hard for a teenage girl to go through high school as you.
Ooh! Hey, look at that.
She got a "like.
" It is from the local chapter of the Ted Nugent fan club.
The motor city madman? You get past his music, guy makes a lot of sense.
I'm late.
I got to get going.
No, you're not late.
I'm late if I want to get to work as early as I usually get there.
Oh.
You know what, honey? Hillary Clinton was a Goldwater girl in 1964.
So? Satan used to work for God.
What's your point? Morning.
Know why I pulled you over this morning? Oh.
My patrolmen's benevolent association bumper sticker covering my registration, right? No.
Where you off to in such a hurry? To work, earn a living, pay the taxes so the government can pay you know, pay Yeah.
Yeah, we love being reminded about that.
And allow me to remind you that red octagon means "stop.
" Right, but I could see the horizon, no other cars in the intersection.
I thought it was okay to cruise through there at 2.
5 miles an hour.
I actually gunned you going 4.
You gunned me? License and registration.
Really? Kind of tucked back in there.
Shouldn't the criminals be the one hiding? And yet you broke the law in plain sight.
Look, if you guys are coming up short at the end of the month, I'll pitch in.
The benevolent association, the the the policeman's rodeo, fill the boot.
Fill the boot? That's the firefighters.
Is it? Sure.
The ladies love the calendars.
Like to see how tough those guys would be if the burning buildings could shoot at them.
Taken a lot of fire this morning, have you? Have a good day.
Little of out of the question at this point, isn't it? - Hey, dad.
- Hey, Kris.
Hey, honey.
How's it going? I say we get a firemen's calendar and put it up there on the refrigerator.
Right on.
Of all the ways the government dips into our pocket and steals our money, my least favorite is when the police give us bogus tickets just to fill up their quotas.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
But I thought you were Mr.
Law and Order.
Look, I love the police, but they go to the academy to catch criminals, not collect taxes.
These guys have turned the Denver P.
D.
into the freaking I.
R.
S.
Hey, low speed limits and stop signs make streets safer.
I know.
If we all went zero miles an hour, there'd be zero accidents.
G.
D.
P.
would be zero, but we'd have zero accidents.
So the D.
P.
D.
is hurting G.
D.
P.
? Try saying that 10 times fast.
You know, not everyone's as tickled by acronyms as you, honey.
Heads up! Uh, the cops set up a speed trap in our neighborhood.
He is hiding behind the elm on Cedar.
Or is it the cedar on Elm? I He's on Cedar.
And your dad can't stop "birching" about it.
For the sake of our family, can you please stop doing that? I can't believe I got pulled over.
- It was kind of a thing.
- What happened? Well, how well, how much was the ticket? No, no, no, he didn't give me a ticket.
I was just like this.
And then I was like, "oh, my God.
Thank you so much.
" Just gave me a warning! High five! Another tax that just some of us have to pay.
Oh, come on.
Honey, let women have this one.
There are millions of situations where men have the upper hand.
And name one.
- Earning more money.
- Waiting in bathroom lines.
Running for President.
You tell that to the 12 men that are gonna get crushed by cankles in a pantsuit.
You know, today really got me thinking.
- Beauty is power, right? - Yeah? I mean, it can't power a car, but it can get you a ride.
Like, maybe in a private jet to Dubai.
Well, "Dubai.
" You know, this might not be the best time, but you need to write that check for her next semester of college.
You know, what I'd like to be writing is a sign warning people about that cop over there on Cedar.
Well, you know what? Then you could be like Paul Revere, warning the villagers one if by land, two if by "Cedar.
" That one's actually not bad.
Dad, what are we warning people about? Tyranny, oppression, government overreach the Democratic platform.
Uh, Eve, what, uh what happened to your lip? - Oh, uh, I got into a little scrap with Richie Haden.
- What?! What?! Yeah, um, I know, as a joke, people like to say, "you should see the other guy," but, um seriously, you should see the other guy.
So, you got in a fight? Well, Richie Haden was talking smack about dad's vlogs give me this and calling us rednecks.
And he hit you? Well, he came at me, and I used the aikido self-defense techniques dad taught me and put him on the pavement.
Honey, you know what? We're very disappointed in you.
And when she says "we," she means her and Richie's parents.
And every other civilized grown-up in Denver.
She defended herself.
That's good.
This is a great thing.
And the best part of this, I think I have an idea for my next vlog.
Oh, well, good.
Standing up to tyranny.
Thank you.
Can't wait to repost it.
All right.
You all right? Call me insane, but I don't think girls should be brawling in the streets.
Kind of a double standard, isn't it, mom? Wha no, it's just a standard standard.
Society understands that boys will get in fights it's a rite of passage but a girl gets into it with somebody who totally deserves it and everyone's all, "bitches be crazy.
" I don't know.
I mean, you've always taught us to stand up for ourselves.
Although, personally, there's nothing that I believe in strongly enough to put the cash register in jeopardy.
"Dubai.
" - Honey? - What? You've raised three very strong women.
Thank you.
I know.
This is your fault.
Mike, can you at least pretend to be concerned that Eve got into a fight? Why? I'm proud of her, honey.
She defended herself.
She won, and she clocked a big-mouthed liberal.
Let me enjoy this for a minute.
Well, was your dad happy when you won your first fight? He was torn.
'Cause it was with him.
Junior R.
O.
T.
C.
, fighting? God, when I was 15, I I just wanted to be asked to the dance.
Yeah, and movies were a nickel.
If she wandered off campus with a guy, this is the best possible version of that that I can think.
I mean, she's obviously too stubborn to stop reposting your vlogs.
You know, could you maybe just tone them down a little? - You want me to censor what I say, honey? - No, no, I'm not You want to muzzle me? I mean, what kind of lesson does that teach the girls? If things get disagreeable, you just modify your beliefs? No, I'm not saying modify your beliefs.
I'm saying modulate your bellowing.
You know, I don't ask for much.
I mean, I got I got a shotgun rack in my den, a foosball table in the guest room.
And look a this look at my bedroom.
It looks like a cigar lounge.
No, it doesn't.
It looks like a it does look like a cigar lounge.
You know what it could use? No, you are not putting a humidor in here.
If you're asking for someone to compromise, you got to learn to give a little.
Hey, Mike.
Come here a minute, please.
- What's up? - Yeah, you know, you're getting a lot of page views on your last vlog, Mike.
It's comforting to know that people who buy guns also like angry rants against the government.
Well, they're gonna love the next one how to stand up to a tyrant.
I like it, but what does that have to do with fishing backpacks? - The weight of the government on your shoulders.
- I know.
- I know.
Got it.
Writes itself.
- Yeah.
Be honest with me am I taking this a bit too far? Vanessa thinks I should tone it down a little bit.
But doesn't she understand, the more passionate you are, the more eyeballs we get, the more product we move, the more chaffing dishes you can buy her.
This is really about Eve.
You know, she reposts some of these vlogs at school, and it looks like she's getting in trouble.
I know.
I follow her on Facebook.
I know.
Yeah, the kids have been pretty hard on her.
Especially Mandy.
Those kids are into big government.
No surprise.
Teenagers are used to spending other people's money.
And what what do kids that age know? They're just parroting the stuff that they learned at home, - just like Eve probably does with you, so - No, no, no, no, no.
Eve's different.
She's an independent thinker.
She comes to her own conclusions that everything I say is right.
I see.
I see.
Then you should tell her to stop reposting your stuff.
It's not gonna work.
She's stubborn when it comes to me being a genius.
Mike, do you love your kid? This one, yeah.
You have to tone down your vlogs just a bit.
We all make sacrifices for our children.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And what sacrifices have you made for your kid? When Gabriella was little, I lost 130 pounds.
Really? Yes, I divorced her stepmother.
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How did you like that vlog? That boring enough for you? I could see you really struggling to hold it in when you said "Made in China.
" You don't seem too happy about it.
What's the matter? Think I should have taken more than 20% off of it? That cop pulled me over today and gave me a ticket.
I told you to stay off Cedar, babe.
No, he's moving around.
He was on Hudson today.
Hudson? That's under construction.
Double the fine.
Smart cop.
Oh, I don't care about the fine.
I care about the fine.
It's just I've always been able to, you know Come on, honey.
With your knockers, you go with the hair? Nothing worked.
I tried everything.
Honey, I am I losing it? Any cop gives this a ticket doesn't like women.
He was wearing a wedding ring.
It's 2014.
That could mean anything.
And why are you checking out whether he's married or not? Well - Wow! Whoa! - Hey, guys.
Hey, hey.
Where are you going dressed like that? Oh, I have a paper due, and I didn't quite write it.
Well Well, so, why why do you dress like that? I need the Professor to give me an extension, or, if he really likes the dress, an "A".
Oh, God.
No, Mandy.
Mandy, honey, no.
You can't just skate through life on your looks.
'Cause one day, a cop's gonna give you a ticket.
Hey.
I know.
But that's not gonna happen for a long, long time.
Well, not a "long, long" time.
You know long time.
Hey, guys! You might want to come out here and see something.
Somebody standing up to tyranny.
That's what I'm talking about fight the power! Is that Eve? She's not gonna get a warning in that outfit.
Hey.
It's you.
Feel free to come to a complete stop before you hit the walkway here.
Very funny.
You know this young lady? Well yeah, she might live here.
You, uh remember me? No.
What? You just gave me a ticket a half-hour ago.
I see a lot of faces.
- Hey, Mandy.
- Oh, hi, Jay.
Termites couldn't do as much damage to my home as you're doing right now.
Is my daughter in some kind of trouble, officer? Yeah, because last time I checked, - this was a free country.
- Okay, okay.
By what authority can you tell me where I can hold my sign, Jay? Colorado traffic code 107 "no person shall will-fully fail or refuse to comply with any lawful order or direction of any police officer invested by law with authority to direct, control, or regulate traffic.
" You remembered all that and not this? - Okay, but does traffic code 107 trump the First Amendment? - Eve.
Ba-ba-ba-ba.
Yes.
But I'm letting you off with a warning.
Oh, well well, thank you, Jay.
Let's go.
B but wait.
You know, she had a point there.
She was obstructing justice.
She was not obstructing justice.
Listen, officer.
You know, Barry Goldwater had a speech in front of - Barry Goldwater? - Yeah, he had a speech.
It was a great Outdoor Man! I knew I recognized you! I'd ask for your autograph, but I got it yesterday.
Yeah.
Oh.
That was fun.
Man, you really hate the government.
Well, "hate" is a very strong word, off - Me, too.
- What? As a rule, people hate the government and people hate heir boss.
Imagine if the government was your boss.
Wow.
You you poor bastard.
- Love your vlogs.
- Thanks a lot.
- A lot of us do.
- Good.
Uh, if there's ever anything I can do for you, let me know.
Uh, there is something you could do.
You could get rid of that ticket you gave me for rolling through that stop sign.
How about that? I'm sorry.
That's already in the system.
Yeah, sure it is.
In the system.
Yep, you don't want lunatics driving around Denver at, uh, what 4 miles an hour? But if there's ever anything else I can do, give me a call.
I'll do that.
And try to stay out of trouble.
Why bother? I have this.
Hey.
This is a cool sign.
Warning the motorists of Denver I like it.
Well, somebody had to be Paul Revere.
You know, dad, I was so hyped to hear your vlog on tyranny, and you totally bailed on me.
If I wanted to hear about sales, I'd just listen to Mandy talking in her sleep.
Well, Eve, honey, I did that to protect you from getting in trouble at school.
You've taught me how to defend myself, dad, and I did.
That's okay when it's stuff that you really believe in, but I don't want you doing this just to impress me.
"Extremism in defense of liberty is no vice.
" You lifted that from my vlog on fishing lures.
And "moderation in pursuit of justice is no virtue.
" I didn't say that.
That's the rest of Goldwater's quote, dad.
I pulled that from his acceptance speech in the '64 convention.
My God, you are the greatest kid in the world.
I appreciate that you're into this political stuff.
I really am.
But sometimes just raising your voice isn't the best way to get things done.
So you want me to tone it down.
Or change your tone.
I mean, if you really want to get into this stuff, get more involved.
I mean, why should Richie Haden run for class president unopposed? - Maybe I will run against him.
- Yeah.
Hmm.
I mean, I've already kicked his butt once.
Campaign slogan writes itself.
You know what? Thanks, dad.
I'm gonna do it.
And to paraphrase the great grover Norquist, "you can't drown the government in a bathtub unless you're willing to wrestle around in the water with it.
" Thanks, dad.
Richie Haden, you're going down.
I I I really like that kid.
Hi, there.
Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
America fought a war against taxation without representation.
And we won.
We got taxation with representation.
What a booby prize that turned out to be.
So all this month, Outdoor Man is fighting back with our "no sales tax" sale.
Taxes.
Everywhere we turn, another one jumps up to bite us.
You drive over here to outdoor man and you're paying 22 cents a gallon in gasoline taxes.
And in the gas tax, there's another tax hiding called the environmental response surcharge.
It's not a surcharge.
It's a tax.
It's enough to make you start smoking again.
But if you do that, you'll be coughing up an extra 84 cents a pack in taxes.
Wow.
I'll need a drink after that.
I wouldn't do that.
You can't even wet your whistle without the government wetting its beak at 60 cents a liter.
They even changed it to liters so we don't know what that means.
We need to stand up against the tyranny of high taxes and elect leaders who value free markets, free minds, and free people.
And free period after homeroom.
Which is why Outdoor Man is making its first-ever political endorsement.
Eve Baxter right for Denver, right for America, and right for Woodbridge High student council.
Hello.
I'm Eve Baxter, and I approve this message.
- Hey, baby.
- Hey.
How was your day? Amazing.
Well, tell me.
What's an amazing day in the world of a geologist? You find the rock that killed Goliath? No, no, work was actually pretty dull, but something exciting did happen on the way home.
I got pulled over again.
I'm sorry about that.
No, no, no.
It's okay.
Jay just gave me a warning.
I'm just saying, I still got it.
Yeah, you still got it.
Yes, I do!