Leverage s03e12 Episode Script
The King George Job
[PA.]
Your attention, please.
All international arrivals must pick up their luggage before proceeding through customs.
It's taken us four months to get even this close to one of Damien Moreau's guys.
Now we have a chance to hit him and get closer to Moreau.
Hardison, take us through it.
[beeping.]
Flight manifest for Global Transit Airlines 485 out of Baghdad shows John Douglas Keller in business class.
Now, Keller, he moves antiquities for our primary target, Damien Moreau.
Shows he has no checked luggage, just probably a carry-on You know what, guys? I don't get this.
It'd be a lot easier to intercept him out in the terminal.
No.
If this guy's as strapped as I think he is, he's gonna have a gang of security waiting outside the airport for him.
One bodyguard on the plane.
You want to get close to him, you do it in here.
Sounds good.
Parker? [indistinct PA announcement.]
While Eliot distracts the bodyguard, I'll lift Keller's wallet and phone and do a briefcase switch.
Hardison intercepted an email and decrypted it.
These guys use a variant of Larry Duberman's algorithm.
- It's not as easy as bakin' a cake.
- [Nate.]
Moving on.
Yes.
So Keller has something valuable on this flight.
Probably Iraqi antiquities.
Now, if we get him from all sides, one of us can grab the goods, and then I'll put our hooks into him.
- [Nate.]
There he is.
- I got him.
[Eliot.]
That's the bodyguard.
I'm goin' in.
- This way, Mr.
Keller.
- Parker, he's got a black briefcase, silver hardware.
Silver hardware? All right, I'm on it.
We're right on schedule, Mr.
Keller.
[girl speaks Arabic.]
- Nate? - Got him.
[speaks Arabic.]
[Nate.]
He hasn't talked to anyone.
He hasn't, uh, exchanged his bag with anyone.
So, whatever he's smuggling is probably in cargo, and probably under a different name.
- Just come right this way, sweetie.
- All right, I'm out.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Sorry for the delay, sir.
- We, uh, we've had a yellow alert issue.
- Oh, no trouble at all.
Mr.
Keller.
What are your reasons for visiting Boston? Business, I'm afraid.
Just a quick dinner meeting, then I'm off home to London.
OK.
Can't see much of Boston in three hours, can ya? - No.
Most a pity.
- Anything to declare? No, nothing at all.
No time for shopping, really.
Not even duty free.
- [alarm blaring.]
- [PA.]
Security to Customs, Code Four.
Security to Customs, Code Four.
[shouting.]
- I'm sorry, she doesn't speak the language.
- [girl speaking Arabic.]
Guys we have a problem.
Uh, they're arresting the wrong smuggler.
May I, uh I'd hate to miss my appointment.
Oh, uh, yeah.
Yeah, you, uh You're clean.
- You're good to go.
- Thank you.
- [man.]
Is that the only bag? - [woman.]
That's the only bag.
- Come along with me.
- [speaking Arabic.]
Excuse me, where are they taking the girl? I represent her.
I have papers from the consulate.
She has refugee status.
Please, listen to me.
[man.]
They have to talk to her first.
- Did the, uh, other girls make it? - Yes.
Ten flights over the course of the day.
Nine out of ten.
She's an acceptable loss.
OK, Hardison, Eliot, I want you to tail Keller, discreetly.
No contact, surveillance only.
Parker, if you get an opening, I want you to lift, uh, Keller's cell phone and clone it.
- Nothing else.
- I need access to that girl.
- No, it's too risky.
- What? Hardison has TSA badges.
- For this gate only.
- They just played us.
- No.
I'm going in there.
- No, you're not.
No, no, no.
We can't have access to one of those holding areas, it's deep security.
We can talk to the family.
It's a start.
Let's get this little girl home.
The rich and powerful, take what they want.
We steal it back for you.
Sometimes bad guys make the best good guys.
We provide leverage.
[Sophie.]
So you're an immigration advocate? I have spent the past six years trying to reunite war-torn families.
I meet people off the plane and hope the smugglers and drug dealers haven't gotten to them first.
But she's innocent.
Well, there must be something you can do.
I can file paperwork, that is all I can do.
She's sitting alone in a holding cell, and I don't know what to tell her family.
She could be kept in the system for months without being processed.
The laws haven't caught up with this type of crime yet.
I deal with a lot of children seeking asylum.
These tactics are not uncommon.
A man with a gun forces a statue or a necklace into a kid's bag and says, - "Take this onto the plane or I'll kill you.
" - And it usually works.
The TSA is looking for guns and weapons, not statuary.
But the artifacts more than pay for drugs and weapons.
It's Art for blood.
Well, we will do our best to exonerate A'yan, all right? Now, you just, uh, keep filing the paperwork.
Cross your T's, dot your I's, and we'll be in touch.
Thank you.
Thank you, both.
If I just take Keller out, is there another way to Moreau? Not a fast one.
Moreau got his start smuggling antiquities from war zones.
Statute of limitations is way past on those crimes.
No, no, that doesn't matter.
The more experienced a criminal becomes, the more sophisticated he gets at covering his tracks.
You go back to his first crimes, that's where you see the rough edges.
- It's sort of like - Archaeology.
Archaeology of crime.
The farther back you go in a criminal's career, the more primitive his methods, the more mistakes you can find as a way in.
- A lot more mistakes.
- [Hardison.]
Since Moreau started with antiquities, these companies and these bank accounts are the closest tie to his real life.
And since he's moved up, Keller started running that part of the business.
And it's a cash cow with valuables from the looted Iraqi Museum, or an archaeological dig.
They fetch millions on the black market in the West.
Yeah, but unlike a stolen Monet or the Rosalind diamond, these pieces aren't registered or insured, so they're impossible to track.
Man, I shoulda got into that years ago.
[sighs.]
Yeah.
I mean, before we went straight, of course.
So Keller steals a statue from a dig in Iraq and he mules it through customs using a little kid and he sells it to rich Americans for five million bucks.
That five million funds terrorist training camps, weapon sales One thing that's got me stumped is that little girl's arrest didn't break Keller's stride at all.
I mean, he's already off on a flight to London.
Apparently, he's a regular at Claridge's Auction House.
Because you don't just sell on the black market.
The real payoff, the big money is when you move it through legitimate auction houses.
You fake up the papers, you scrub off the blood and dirt, and you clean it up so that all the pretty people can show it off in their pretty bloody houses.
[door slams.]
Oh, I'm sorry, are you the only one that's allowed to brood down here, or is it an open bar? I know what you're thinking, but it's not the same thing.
Oh, no, of course it's not.
I stole from one rich man to sell to another rich man.
- No one got hurt.
- That I know of.
How do I know that innocent children were never used to shift my merchandise? Do you want to talk about collateral damage? We'll be here all day.
- Yeah.
- Tread lightly? I mean, who treads lightly? - Well, certainly not us.
- Listen, Sophie, this guy, Keller, is one of Moreau's top lieutenants.
Now, if we get emotionally overinvested, in this or any case, we get sloppy.
We get sloppy, we lose Keller, we lose Moreau, we lose the whole operation.
And The Italian sends you back to prison, or worse.
And with all that at stake, you're prepared to give me a lecture on being overinvested.
Listen, I know, I grifted from filthy rich wankers who hardly ever missed the money.
And half the time, they loved the thrill of being taken for a ride.
But this this whole Moreau business has got me thinking.
Keller steals from the rich, too.
And a little girl ends up in detainment for it.
Do you want to go to London? Let's go steal an auction.
I love Claridge's Auction House.
Even the air feels more expensive.
So this is where Keller moves most of his goods.
His calendar says that he should be arriving here just about now.
Hardison, are you in their computers yet? - Accessing.
- [beeping.]
OK, apparently their computer system is also an antique.
Possibly steam-powered, which would be cool.
Hardison, this is an extremely old house, they believe in tradition.
The computer records are going to be bare bones.
The real contracts are going to be paper files.
So that's not just for decoration? Just count to K, Hardison.
I need a record of everything he sold here.
- Or we could just ask the man himself.
- [Nate.]
Parker, you're up.
[sighs, speaks with British accent.]
Your coat, sir.
- Hey, heads up, here you go.
- [woman.]
All right.
- What do you got, Parker? - Nothing unusual.
But he does have an auction card from Claridge's.
[Nate.]
Does it have an item number on it? Eight-five-seven-two-zero-four.
If the number starts with an eight, then it's a bid card.
He's not selling today, he's buying something.
Why? I'm not sure why.
But if this is his hub, I'm gonna give him one more item to move through it.
Parker, return the wallet, keep the bid card, find the vault.
It should be filled with antiquities waiting to be processed.
I need something to establish my credentials with Keller.
Eliot, did they bring backup? Keller showed up with just his bodyguard.
Driver's waiting.
They won't be long.
OK.
Keep an eye on the front door.
Got it.
Walls two feet thick, cast iron, way ahead of its time.
But probably taken out with an acetylene burner during the post-war crime waves.
Retrofitted hinges and alarms in the 1980s.
The Thatcher security boom.
But English damp won't allow for heat sensors to work.
- I almost feel bad for you.
- [lock clicking.]
[Sophie.]
I looked up the number on the bid card.
And get this: Keller bought a ring.
Huh.
A Mason ring or an engagement ring? A signet ring belonging to George, the Prince Regent.
It doesn't make any sense.
I mean, considering the priceless antiquities that Keller handles on a daily basis, this little trinket isn't worth very much.
Well, maybe he's buying it for a client.
There'd be no need to shift something like this on the black market when it's right here in the open, no.
He wants this for himself.
I just have to figure out why.
Parker, what do you got for me? Oh, this place is great.
I recognize over half of this stuff.
Oh, hello.
Last time I saw you was at the Louvre.
Well, actually, you were in the backseat of my car, but before that you were at the Louvre and I - [Nate.]
Parker, focus.
- OK.
We've got a Napoleonic silver.
Ooh, some great Russian icons, And statue.
Gold guy.
Uh, loin cloth, pharaoh beard and very rectangular feet.
Falcon head, dog head or human head? Bird head.
And I think he's smirking at me.
OK, perfect.
Statue of Ra.
Bring it to me.
You mean something.
You're not worth anything, so you mean something.
Hardison, did you find those files yet? Yes.
Now, look, when we get a moment, y'all gonna have to explain this English filing system.
Now, as far as Keller goes, there's a big file and a small file.
Big file's all sales, antiquities.
It's mostly from Iraq and Afghanistan, all with faked provenance.
- What's in the small file? - Small one is land purchases.
Old manor houses up for auction, all within the last two years, all in Scotland.
Ha! Places like, uh, Loch Glengorra and Loch Mc McG I'm not even gonna try and pronounce it, man, it's just a bunch of random G's and N's.
Scotland.
Thanks, Hardison, you can get out of there.
OK, I'm gonna go in.
You want to play a little Nick and Nora? Uh-uh.
No.
I'm gonna stay on the outside for a bit.
There's something about this Keller guy that's vexing me.
OK, listen, Sophie, you never intentionally put an innocent person in danger.
Just don't let him put you in danger.
Good hunting.
[water running.]
Make sure we've got a cutout for the Spanish deal, and call our man in San Lorenzo Ah, Mr.
Keller.
Yes, I believe you dropped this.
Thank you, Mr - Jensen.
Tom Jensen.
- Oh, an American.
Are you with Claridge's? In a way.
I've I participated in some of their New York auctions.
Yeah.
- Participated how? - I'm a broker of merchandise, antiques mostly, for private collectors.
I like to let them know when something, uh, you know, of interest, uh, becomes discovered.
- Uh, you know - Smuggling is a crime, Mr.
Tom Jensen.
No, I find the goods, I don't I don't move them.
No, I heard that, uh, that was your specialty, actually.
- Interesting.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, this? Yeah.
- Statue of Ra? - Yes, yeah.
You buy that on the Portobello Road? [chuckles.]
No.
I have an archaeologist on payroll.
That came from a dig in Egypt.
Yeah, we have four crates of really high-end, amazing antiquities.
Yeah.
Yeah, in fact, I have to find a way to get them back to my, uh, buyer in America.
And I heard that you were the right person for that kind of job.
- [sniffs.]
- How does it smell? He smelled it? Oh.
No, that's not from Egypt.
And, uh, see this here? No, I'd say this is from the Bellingham collection, which is slated for auction in two weeks, which means you are either a con artist or a cop.
I'm just trying to make a deal here.
[Nate coughs.]
Nate, hold on, I'm on my way.
[Sophie.]
Eliot, stay where you are.
- What? - What? [grunts.]
I said, who are you working for? Eliot, you go in now, you blow the con.
[Eliot.]
Sophie, the con's already blown.
Yeah, the old one is.
Not my con.
The ring, Scottish manors.
I know Mr.
Keller's heart's desire.
[punches landing, grunting.]
I beg your pardon, but you're manhandling my employee.
Kindly call off your dog, Mr.
Keller.
Ennis, that's enough.
You know my name.
I can't say I've had the same pleasure.
Charlotte Prentice, Eighteenth Duchess of Hanover.
Your Grace.
What happened? You try the Egypt story? This statue comes from a private collection.
I meet a great deal of people on my travels who wish to have such collections liquidated quickly and quietly.
The buyer I have lined up for this particular piece is in America.
And I have no one I can trust to traverse customs.
If your story checks out, though on principle I would never doubt someone of your standing, I will do you the courtesy of not hunting down and killing your man here.
- Well, thank you.
- But, uh, I'm not taking on any outside clients right now.
- I'll double your commission.
- I'm afraid the answer's still no, Your Grace.
Now, if you'll pardon me.
Perhaps I can provide you with something else.
Something worth more than money.
I'm afraid there's really no price.
- A Knighthood, perhaps? - A Knighthood? [laughs.]
With all due respect, Your Grace, Her Majesty hands out Any pop star can have a Knighthood.
I see.
Your aims are a little higher.
One of the lost baronies then? - [Nate whispers.]
Sophie? - See what I'm running here? [whispers.]
I do.
But are you sure this is a good idea? One of the lost baronies? Not possible.
There are about ten people in the world who can secure an interview with the Earl Marshal, and I happen to be closely related to three of them.
If you help me with my little venture, then I'll help you claim a lost barony, My Lord.
How? Meet me at Porter's tomorrow.
Afternoon tea.
I'll look forward to it.
And, uh, let's leave our pets at home, shall we? Certainly.
- Who's the Duchess of Hanover? - And what's a lost baron? - Can I keep the statue? - We have a lot of work to do.
About 200 years worth, actually.
All right, guys, let's go steal a royal title.
A royal cover story is easy to check, hard to fake.
I spent seven years establishing this persona.
- Trust me, Nate, it's rock solid.
- How'd you know he'd go for it? Keller's been buying up small, but specific pieces of Scottish land.
Well, that's one way to obtain a minor barony.
He's also a royal fetishist.
I mean, there's no reason for him to overbid on the Prince Regent ring.
It had to be emotional.
Plus, when I introduced myself, he addressed me as Your Grace, rather than the more common, My Lady.
And he gave a little bow and kissed my hand.
- And what was the Earl Marshal part about? - Well, he controls the succession of titles in the peerage, so this is key.
There are 86 unclaimed baronies in Great Britain.
- It's just a title that no one holds.
- Does it come with a castle? - Sometimes.
Yeah.
- So this is Keller's heart's desire, I take it.
[Hardison.]
Oh, yeah.
I checked into it, man.
He's applied for an audience with Earl Marshal six times - in the past two years.
Denied.
- Good guess.
It's not really a guess when it's that good, is it? The name of this con is called The Mummy's Tiara.
Come on, man, that can't be real.
- Am I gonna have to steal a corpse again? - Oh, it's real, all right.
And it's almost impossible to pull off in a country that has an actual monarchy.
So the Mummy's Tiara involves using a forged relic - to purchase a royal title.
- A forged relic? That means we need a forger.
I know a couple guys in the States.
No, Hardison.
Uh-uh.
Hardison, you're gonna do it.
I'm a hacker.
I hack, I don't forge.
You're not making a forgery.
You are going to create a work of art.
Smell it.
That's how he knew that Nate was lying.
Go on.
[sniffs.]
Oh, yeah, it smells like a statue.
And gold.
And? Oh, and and some cinnamon.
There's a little cinnamon on it.
And cardamom.
Those are the spices that statue was packed with as it lay in its tomb for thousands of years.
But those spices were only used in Libyan tombs, not Egyptian ones.
Eliot, feel the base.
It's rough.
It's been sanded.
Markings from the acidic cleanser used in the British Museum in the 1800s.
- And that's how he knew it wasn't a recent find.
- Can I taste it? You should.
Go on.
- It tastes like cold.
- [Sophie.]
Yeah.
So, as you know, Parker, most metals heat up when they're held.
Platinum, for example.
But, gold, no.
Gold stays cool, and impassive as a God.
So, if we're gonna fool an expert of Keller's caliber, then we're gonna have to overwhelm his senses with something too real to be fake.
Hardison, get busy.
There's your shopping list.
Don't skimp on supplies.
Use Eliot and Parker.
We're gonna go finish the deal with Keller and get him to transport our secret stash of treasures back to the States.
What secret stash of treasures? I'm sorry, does that say goat marrow? Let's go.
I'm about to revisit the topic of Sophie being overinvested.
Now, you want to you want to run a passion-based game - on a man who bankrolls terrorists? - Exactly.
End of the day, Nate, you always go here, whereas I go here.
But to a mark who's always in his head, the heart con's the only one that works.
The heart con is dangerous.
If it flames out on you, it's like igniting jet fuel.
Yeah? Tell that to the little girl who's sitting in an immigration holding cell.
Good luck.
Your Grace.
Allow me.
That's quite a claim you made yesterday.
Can you back it up? There are 86 lost or dormant baronies.
The Queen doesn't approve of titles lying fallow.
Having said that, it's almost impossible to claim one without the proper documentation.
I've done some research in that area myself.
It's proven less than fruitful.
Birth certificates, church records, even whole family trees are submitted for consideration.
But if you were to meet the Earl Marshal with a private journal of a royal ancestor, even the Queen herself couldn't refuse you.
A private journal.
Belonging to? The mistress of King George III.
That's a myth.
Isn't it? As you know, George's reign ended in abject failure.
Loss of the colonies, an incurable illness, a dimwitted son poised to take the throne.
The one thing he succeeded at was protecting his mistress, Catherine.
In a moment of clarity, in the last throes of his disease, he sent a pregnant Catherine to America with a trunk full of treasure.
And Catherine kept a diary.
- That has never been proven.
- Of course.
Some say she became a commoner in Massachusetts.
Some say she died at sea.
Some say she never left London at all.
No one knows.
But a man who has her book could claim a direct descent to Catherine And the King of England.
Now, that's got to be worth a barony and a small fortune.
I got your turpentine.
I got your walnut oil.
By the way, which I purchased from a very stunning vegan chick, so thank you for that.
And a bucket of soot.
- It's everywhere.
- [chuckles.]
Nice, E.
- Way to get your hands dirty.
- Yeah, thank you.
- Hey, put that down, man, that's my paper.
- It's a rag.
No, that's what printers used to make paper back in the 1700s.
- Use a moist towelette, please, and thank you.
- What's that smell? Uh, you don't want to know how they wet the paper back in the day.
- Did you? - Do not ask me, man.
- Damn it, Hardison! - Why you so sensitive? You've touched worse.
I'm goin' out for baba ganoush! Do you have the book? The book's coming up for auction at Claridge's as part of a small lot of 18th century volumes.
Even the auctioneer himself doesn't know its true value.
I was just gonna pick it up as a family heirloom, but I'd be happy to share it with you.
Along with a personal letter of introduction to the Earl Marshal.
If I help you move your goods to America.
- What's in the freight? - Oh, let's just say bits and bobs.
Statuary from Egypt, paintings from France.
There's a demand for these things in America.
But my operation is small and relies on relationships.
I just don't have the infrastructure to move so much so quickly.
Well, I do.
- So it's a deal then? - Almost.
There's someone who wants to see you, Duchess.
- Oh? - OK, who is it? Sophie, listen, if it gets too hot, just leave.
Her Ladyship, the Countess of Kensington.
All right, Sophie, listen, if your cover is blown, it's OK.
Just find a way out.
[Nate.]
Sophie? - Charlotte! - Auntie! [woman laughs.]
Charlotte? Ah, well, family reunion.
I think the technical term is cotton swell.
Maybe it's you putting 'em in too far, that's your problem.
Um, I don't know how soon we're doing this auction scam, but are you planning on printing out the entire diary page by page? You better hope that she's got a short and boring life, my man.
You know what I've achieved here? Do you? I made ink from boysenberries, OK? I've I've tanned hide for the covers.
I forgot to tell you, don't go in the Jacuzzi, it's not safe.
I've made glue for the binding from animal parts I do not care to discuss.
I I've made content for the filler pages using an algorithm from digitized colonial era novels and diaries.
It's Shakespeare in the house, people.
Shakespeare.
- That sounds like a lot of work.
- It is.
In a single day, I've gone from apprentice to journeyman to master.
- OK.
Well, I - He's losing it.
Yeah, so I'm gonna go steal some stuff.
OK, but come back 'cause I've fused computer technology - [stammers.]
with this stuff.
With with - All right, man.
- Let us know how that goes.
- I've hacked history.
I've hacked history, people.
[laughing.]
So there I was.
Remember this? I had the weed clippers in one hand, I had the prize petunias in the other And the dear girl looked me right in the eye and said [both.]
Auntie, at least you still have the blue ribbon.
- [laughs.]
- [cell phone rings.]
Pardon me a moment.
It will give us a chance to catch up.
Hello? Yes, Mr.
Moreau.
So, my dear Charlotte, where have you been all these years? Oh, you know, traveling.
I always wanted to see the world.
How have you been, Auntie? Oh, well enough, in spite of my pains.
But without dear William, gone these eight years come April Oh, don't look so said, girl, it'll pucker your looks.
- I miss him, that's all.
- Yes, well, he never blamed you for running off like you did.
But the drink helped to console him.
I loved him, Auntie.
Very much.
And he loved you, dear.
Fiercely.
One has to love fiercely in order to die of a broken heart.
Don't you agree? [Keller sighs.]
I am so sorry, Your Grace.
That, uh, was my employer.
There's been an incident in Boston that's made him more cautious - about our next shipment.
- Oh, well, I'd best go take care of some details.
Instead of next week, we'll be taking it out tomorrow.
That's not going to be a problem, is it? Sophie.
You have something you want to ask me? I, uh yeah.
[sighs.]
How real is this, uh, [laughs.]
this Duchess persona? Where are we exactly on your side of things? Oh, no, no, everything's OK.
Yeah.
I mean, uh, you know, Keller's shipping his antiquities out of London in the morning, we have to finish forging a 200-year-old book that has to hold up to expert scrutiny, and take over an auction that's gonna start in five minutes, and deliver to Keller a treasure trove of antiquities that we don't actually have.
Piece of cake.
Plus, we're one step closer to Damien Moreau.
OK, Hardison, I need that book, now.
Hey, man, Sophie said flawless, now you're saying fast.
You two need to have a conversation and figure it out.
Uh fast.
Go with fast.
OK, but the glue on this binding, it takes two weeks to dry naturally.
Now, a hair dryer is too hot and too powerful.
It'll curl the pages and melt the spine.
I managed to find a manicure dryer, so you're just gonna have to wait.
And as stunning as my work is, stunning I say, it's still a rush job.
It'll pass the first inspection, but it won't hold together for very long.
[sighs.]
OK, Eliot, what's your status? I'm meeting with Keller's transport guys right now.
Hey, guys.
How are ya? Hi.
I, uh, I'm under orders to inspect your facility before we can move the things.
- I see where you're coming from, and I respect your work.
- Thank you.
But we've only got two jobs today.
One is to accompany you to your lady's storage bin, and empty it of its contents.
The second is to take it back with us.
We won't be needing your accompaniment on that second leg.
OK.
[chuckles.]
I gotta I gotta call it in.
- Uh, one second.
- [dialing.]
Nate, these guys want me to take 'em straight to Sophie's secret stash.
What the hell am I supposed to do with them? OK, stall, stall.
Um, uh, London city tour.
You're good at that.
You want me to stall 'em? They're former British paratroopers.
- How how do you? - [Eliot.]
Haircuts, all right? It's very distinctive haircuts.
[Keller.]
Your Grace.
I've checked into the book collection.
- You checked them? - Asked around.
Personal diaries from the colonial era.
They have no idea what's in there, what that diary is worth.
[chuckles.]
They think it's just the rambling fantasies of a lovesick girl.
[laughs.]
Parker? Parker? What? Hey, is Sophie a princess? Parker, just did you take care of the auctioneer? Yeah.
Sophie told me to find out his deepest wish and give it to him, - but I thought that would take way too long, so - Yeah, yeah.
- Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? - Hm? [muffled shouting.]
What? He's gonna wake up in, like, three hours.
- Come on.
- [Eliot.]
That's insane, man.
You Red light means stop.
Just like in the States, it's the same thing, I should have known that.
- I don't want to lose your boys.
- Are you sure you know - where you're going? - I know exactly where I'm going, man, it's just really tough.
I don't It's hard.
These streets are really confusing, man.
The streets of London.
- The other side.
- Exactly.
You're meant to be on the other bloody side of the road.
- [honking horns.]
- [Eliot.]
Whoa! That guy.
That's not my fault.
Lot four-five-six.
This exquisite Ming Dynasty vase was once smuggled out of mainland China in a donkey's saddlebag.
It resurfaced decades later in the private collection of a Hong Kong billionaire, where it was left virtually unprotected by a sub-par laser grid security system.
- [whispers.]
Parker! - [clears throat.]
Reserve price, 500,000 pounds.
Can I have a starting bid, please? OK.
Five-fifty.
And do I have 600? Yes, to the toupee on the right.
Yes.
An antique enamel and made right here in London.
Let me tell you something, it's worth a lot more than you think just by looking at it.
Especially if you consider the 16 angry henchmen who are going to be following you through the gardens of Versailles if you happen to pick it up, OK? You know what I'm sayin'? - [clears throat.]
Parker.
- Lot seven-three-nine.
A stone elephant crafted by Peter Carl Faberge for His Imperial Highness.
Hang on a second, let me see that.
- Yeah, no, that's a fake.
- [shattering.]
- OK, you're here, finally.
- Whoo! [panting.]
Finally? Finally? You are looking at the Leonardo da Vinci of forgery, my friend.
- [panting.]
It's all packed.
- All right.
- The box has to pass, too.
- Yeah.
OK.
You can track Keller's money back to Moreau's account, right? OK, but remember, Keller has got to go big or go home.
I can follow his bid back to the shell companies, but it has to be big enough, OK.
Quarter of a million.
Let's go.
- Stretch it out, stretch it out.
- [leg cracks.]
- We're up, Parker.
- Oh Would you, go ahead Thank you.
All right, lot eight-seven-two.
We've got a collection of old books from the 1700s.
- Do I have a starting bid? - [Hardison.]
I've got a starting bid.
- [Hardison panting.]
- Ooh.
You all right there, fella? OK.
All right, I see I have a phone bid of a 150,000 pounds.
Someone who loves to read old stuff.
Yeah.
All right.
- So, do I hear 160? - OK, Sophie, we've got to get Keller to bid at least 250,000 pounds.
Anything over that, and Hardison can trace the money back to the source so we can find Moreau.
- Isn't it too much? - Two hundred.
Two hundred thousand pounds.
OK, we've got 200.
Anyone - You like that? - Oh.
Uh, yeah.
You want to get with that? You gotta win the books, she loves the books.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
- Two-twenty.
- Two-twenty! Oh, hey, all right! Love a man in a pink shirt.
Not afraid to wear color.
That's a good sign.
What? Why, that little toe rag.
That's a family heirloom.
How dare that little low-class trash bid on our ancestor's journal.
Quite right.
Two-sixty.
- Two-sixty! Going once - Two-eighty! - Wait, that's too much.
- Eh two-eighty.
Two-twenty, that was romantic.
You know, two-eighty, she's gonna think you're a sap.
- Two-eighty.
- Sophie.
Three hundred.
Going once, twice, sold, 300! Great, thanks for comin'.
[Eliot.]
That was confusing, wasn't it? All the What do you call those things, round arounds? Round Roundabouts, whatever? You guys, we don't have those in the States.
What language was the signs? [laughs.]
At least you guys speak American.
Or I, well, I mean, I know you speak English.
That's Southern humor.
Uh keys.
Keys.
Did I leave them in the van? You don't think so? [sniffs.]
It's genuine, thank you.
Whooo! What? What? Money transferring now.
This is the first day of your new life as a baron.
Shall we go and see the Earl Marshal? Oh, I'll be seeing him, thanks, as soon as I bloody well please.
Uh, you'll need my letter of introduction.
I had a chat with the Countess yesterday.
She told me all about your little royal scandal.
Apparently, having you with me would ruin my chances of advancement.
I'll take the book, thanks, that's all I need.
- What about our deal? - Oh, right.
- [speed dialing.]
- [Ennis.]
Hello? - Ennis, you still at the storage unit? - Mm-hm.
Clear it out.
And their man, shoot him.
Throw him in the Thames.
If it'd been a snake, it'd a bit me.
[cocks gun.]
It really hurts me to have to do this to you.
I've quite enjoyed your company this afternoon.
- Listen to me - But I'm gonna need you to open up the storage unit now.
Listen, let me explain something to you.
This thing, there's nothing in here, OK? My boss is running a con on your boss, man.
I don't need this.
I didn't sign up for this, OK? This thing is empty.
- I don't care if it's - [grunting.]
Get him.
[grunts.]
[mimicking British accent.]
I've quite enjoyed your company today as well.
Yes, Mr.
Moreau, I'll be in Rome in two hours.
Usual spot.
Could you finish up on the phone, please, sir? Could we, uh, possibly speed things up a little bit? I can't miss my flight.
Urgent business.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Keller, we're going to have to detain you.
This is a very expensive piece that I bought at auction.
Here's the paperwork.
Right.
Well, this says you purchased a couple of books.
It doesn't say anything about wooden Russian icons.
Well, that's because I didn't buy any icons.
No.
You didn't buy them.
- [whistles.]
- What? Parker, what do you got for me? Oh, some great Russian icons, And statue.
Gold guy.
OK, perfect.
Statue of Ra.
Bring it to me.
Oh, and, uh, bring those icons.
I have an idea.
- Cheeky bitch.
- Oh, that ain't all, mate.
You just paid This is a There's, uh, been a misunderstanding.
You can tell it to Scotland Yard.
They want to ask you about the other antiquities you tried to smuggle today.
- What? - Here we go.
This way, sir.
- Hey, what's all this, then? - It's a misunderstanding.
- What's in the storage unit? - Nothing.
It's bloody empty.
We'll see about that.
[whistles.]
If that's what you call nothin', I'd sure like to see somethin'.
[PA.]
Arriving passenger, Johnson, meet your party at the first floor level baggage concourse.
I don't know how you did it, but thank you.
Thank you very much.
You've touched so many lives without even knowing it.
Well, that's what we do.
[woman speaks French over P.
A.
.]
Oh, hey.
[both speak Arabic.]
High five.
Boom.
Thank you so much.
- The storage locker was not empty.
- No.
In fact, it was filled with stolen artworks, antiquities.
Yeah.
I read that in the paper.
- Your own personal stash? - That storage locker was filled with some of the very first things I ever stole.
You got a lot of buried secrets in London, don't you? - Archaeology of crime.
- Eh, at least I now know your real name.
Uh-uh, no, that's not my real name.
Charlotte was my stage name.
Hm.
Any news on Keller's auction payment? Oh, yeah.
In my trace I peeled back ten layers of security off an airborne Wi-Fi connection.
Airborne.
You might be the greatest of all time, man.
Did you find anything? Yeah, I found ten shell companies, one of which is actually a promising lead.
It's called Slap Shot Investments, run by Mark Vector.
Mark Vector, the hockey player? The Enforcer? - Great, let's get him.
- He's a pro.
He struck a deal with the feds.
He's protected.
What are you What is the smile? What are you smiling at? What is what is that? - Oh, no.
No, no, no.
- Oh, yeah.
Let's go steal a federal witness.
Your attention, please.
All international arrivals must pick up their luggage before proceeding through customs.
It's taken us four months to get even this close to one of Damien Moreau's guys.
Now we have a chance to hit him and get closer to Moreau.
Hardison, take us through it.
[beeping.]
Flight manifest for Global Transit Airlines 485 out of Baghdad shows John Douglas Keller in business class.
Now, Keller, he moves antiquities for our primary target, Damien Moreau.
Shows he has no checked luggage, just probably a carry-on You know what, guys? I don't get this.
It'd be a lot easier to intercept him out in the terminal.
No.
If this guy's as strapped as I think he is, he's gonna have a gang of security waiting outside the airport for him.
One bodyguard on the plane.
You want to get close to him, you do it in here.
Sounds good.
Parker? [indistinct PA announcement.]
While Eliot distracts the bodyguard, I'll lift Keller's wallet and phone and do a briefcase switch.
Hardison intercepted an email and decrypted it.
These guys use a variant of Larry Duberman's algorithm.
- It's not as easy as bakin' a cake.
- [Nate.]
Moving on.
Yes.
So Keller has something valuable on this flight.
Probably Iraqi antiquities.
Now, if we get him from all sides, one of us can grab the goods, and then I'll put our hooks into him.
- [Nate.]
There he is.
- I got him.
[Eliot.]
That's the bodyguard.
I'm goin' in.
- This way, Mr.
Keller.
- Parker, he's got a black briefcase, silver hardware.
Silver hardware? All right, I'm on it.
We're right on schedule, Mr.
Keller.
[girl speaks Arabic.]
- Nate? - Got him.
[speaks Arabic.]
[Nate.]
He hasn't talked to anyone.
He hasn't, uh, exchanged his bag with anyone.
So, whatever he's smuggling is probably in cargo, and probably under a different name.
- Just come right this way, sweetie.
- All right, I'm out.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Sorry for the delay, sir.
- We, uh, we've had a yellow alert issue.
- Oh, no trouble at all.
Mr.
Keller.
What are your reasons for visiting Boston? Business, I'm afraid.
Just a quick dinner meeting, then I'm off home to London.
OK.
Can't see much of Boston in three hours, can ya? - No.
Most a pity.
- Anything to declare? No, nothing at all.
No time for shopping, really.
Not even duty free.
- [alarm blaring.]
- [PA.]
Security to Customs, Code Four.
Security to Customs, Code Four.
[shouting.]
- I'm sorry, she doesn't speak the language.
- [girl speaking Arabic.]
Guys we have a problem.
Uh, they're arresting the wrong smuggler.
May I, uh I'd hate to miss my appointment.
Oh, uh, yeah.
Yeah, you, uh You're clean.
- You're good to go.
- Thank you.
- [man.]
Is that the only bag? - [woman.]
That's the only bag.
- Come along with me.
- [speaking Arabic.]
Excuse me, where are they taking the girl? I represent her.
I have papers from the consulate.
She has refugee status.
Please, listen to me.
[man.]
They have to talk to her first.
- Did the, uh, other girls make it? - Yes.
Ten flights over the course of the day.
Nine out of ten.
She's an acceptable loss.
OK, Hardison, Eliot, I want you to tail Keller, discreetly.
No contact, surveillance only.
Parker, if you get an opening, I want you to lift, uh, Keller's cell phone and clone it.
- Nothing else.
- I need access to that girl.
- No, it's too risky.
- What? Hardison has TSA badges.
- For this gate only.
- They just played us.
- No.
I'm going in there.
- No, you're not.
No, no, no.
We can't have access to one of those holding areas, it's deep security.
We can talk to the family.
It's a start.
Let's get this little girl home.
The rich and powerful, take what they want.
We steal it back for you.
Sometimes bad guys make the best good guys.
We provide leverage.
[Sophie.]
So you're an immigration advocate? I have spent the past six years trying to reunite war-torn families.
I meet people off the plane and hope the smugglers and drug dealers haven't gotten to them first.
But she's innocent.
Well, there must be something you can do.
I can file paperwork, that is all I can do.
She's sitting alone in a holding cell, and I don't know what to tell her family.
She could be kept in the system for months without being processed.
The laws haven't caught up with this type of crime yet.
I deal with a lot of children seeking asylum.
These tactics are not uncommon.
A man with a gun forces a statue or a necklace into a kid's bag and says, - "Take this onto the plane or I'll kill you.
" - And it usually works.
The TSA is looking for guns and weapons, not statuary.
But the artifacts more than pay for drugs and weapons.
It's Art for blood.
Well, we will do our best to exonerate A'yan, all right? Now, you just, uh, keep filing the paperwork.
Cross your T's, dot your I's, and we'll be in touch.
Thank you.
Thank you, both.
If I just take Keller out, is there another way to Moreau? Not a fast one.
Moreau got his start smuggling antiquities from war zones.
Statute of limitations is way past on those crimes.
No, no, that doesn't matter.
The more experienced a criminal becomes, the more sophisticated he gets at covering his tracks.
You go back to his first crimes, that's where you see the rough edges.
- It's sort of like - Archaeology.
Archaeology of crime.
The farther back you go in a criminal's career, the more primitive his methods, the more mistakes you can find as a way in.
- A lot more mistakes.
- [Hardison.]
Since Moreau started with antiquities, these companies and these bank accounts are the closest tie to his real life.
And since he's moved up, Keller started running that part of the business.
And it's a cash cow with valuables from the looted Iraqi Museum, or an archaeological dig.
They fetch millions on the black market in the West.
Yeah, but unlike a stolen Monet or the Rosalind diamond, these pieces aren't registered or insured, so they're impossible to track.
Man, I shoulda got into that years ago.
[sighs.]
Yeah.
I mean, before we went straight, of course.
So Keller steals a statue from a dig in Iraq and he mules it through customs using a little kid and he sells it to rich Americans for five million bucks.
That five million funds terrorist training camps, weapon sales One thing that's got me stumped is that little girl's arrest didn't break Keller's stride at all.
I mean, he's already off on a flight to London.
Apparently, he's a regular at Claridge's Auction House.
Because you don't just sell on the black market.
The real payoff, the big money is when you move it through legitimate auction houses.
You fake up the papers, you scrub off the blood and dirt, and you clean it up so that all the pretty people can show it off in their pretty bloody houses.
[door slams.]
Oh, I'm sorry, are you the only one that's allowed to brood down here, or is it an open bar? I know what you're thinking, but it's not the same thing.
Oh, no, of course it's not.
I stole from one rich man to sell to another rich man.
- No one got hurt.
- That I know of.
How do I know that innocent children were never used to shift my merchandise? Do you want to talk about collateral damage? We'll be here all day.
- Yeah.
- Tread lightly? I mean, who treads lightly? - Well, certainly not us.
- Listen, Sophie, this guy, Keller, is one of Moreau's top lieutenants.
Now, if we get emotionally overinvested, in this or any case, we get sloppy.
We get sloppy, we lose Keller, we lose Moreau, we lose the whole operation.
And The Italian sends you back to prison, or worse.
And with all that at stake, you're prepared to give me a lecture on being overinvested.
Listen, I know, I grifted from filthy rich wankers who hardly ever missed the money.
And half the time, they loved the thrill of being taken for a ride.
But this this whole Moreau business has got me thinking.
Keller steals from the rich, too.
And a little girl ends up in detainment for it.
Do you want to go to London? Let's go steal an auction.
I love Claridge's Auction House.
Even the air feels more expensive.
So this is where Keller moves most of his goods.
His calendar says that he should be arriving here just about now.
Hardison, are you in their computers yet? - Accessing.
- [beeping.]
OK, apparently their computer system is also an antique.
Possibly steam-powered, which would be cool.
Hardison, this is an extremely old house, they believe in tradition.
The computer records are going to be bare bones.
The real contracts are going to be paper files.
So that's not just for decoration? Just count to K, Hardison.
I need a record of everything he sold here.
- Or we could just ask the man himself.
- [Nate.]
Parker, you're up.
[sighs, speaks with British accent.]
Your coat, sir.
- Hey, heads up, here you go.
- [woman.]
All right.
- What do you got, Parker? - Nothing unusual.
But he does have an auction card from Claridge's.
[Nate.]
Does it have an item number on it? Eight-five-seven-two-zero-four.
If the number starts with an eight, then it's a bid card.
He's not selling today, he's buying something.
Why? I'm not sure why.
But if this is his hub, I'm gonna give him one more item to move through it.
Parker, return the wallet, keep the bid card, find the vault.
It should be filled with antiquities waiting to be processed.
I need something to establish my credentials with Keller.
Eliot, did they bring backup? Keller showed up with just his bodyguard.
Driver's waiting.
They won't be long.
OK.
Keep an eye on the front door.
Got it.
Walls two feet thick, cast iron, way ahead of its time.
But probably taken out with an acetylene burner during the post-war crime waves.
Retrofitted hinges and alarms in the 1980s.
The Thatcher security boom.
But English damp won't allow for heat sensors to work.
- I almost feel bad for you.
- [lock clicking.]
[Sophie.]
I looked up the number on the bid card.
And get this: Keller bought a ring.
Huh.
A Mason ring or an engagement ring? A signet ring belonging to George, the Prince Regent.
It doesn't make any sense.
I mean, considering the priceless antiquities that Keller handles on a daily basis, this little trinket isn't worth very much.
Well, maybe he's buying it for a client.
There'd be no need to shift something like this on the black market when it's right here in the open, no.
He wants this for himself.
I just have to figure out why.
Parker, what do you got for me? Oh, this place is great.
I recognize over half of this stuff.
Oh, hello.
Last time I saw you was at the Louvre.
Well, actually, you were in the backseat of my car, but before that you were at the Louvre and I - [Nate.]
Parker, focus.
- OK.
We've got a Napoleonic silver.
Ooh, some great Russian icons, And statue.
Gold guy.
Uh, loin cloth, pharaoh beard and very rectangular feet.
Falcon head, dog head or human head? Bird head.
And I think he's smirking at me.
OK, perfect.
Statue of Ra.
Bring it to me.
You mean something.
You're not worth anything, so you mean something.
Hardison, did you find those files yet? Yes.
Now, look, when we get a moment, y'all gonna have to explain this English filing system.
Now, as far as Keller goes, there's a big file and a small file.
Big file's all sales, antiquities.
It's mostly from Iraq and Afghanistan, all with faked provenance.
- What's in the small file? - Small one is land purchases.
Old manor houses up for auction, all within the last two years, all in Scotland.
Ha! Places like, uh, Loch Glengorra and Loch Mc McG I'm not even gonna try and pronounce it, man, it's just a bunch of random G's and N's.
Scotland.
Thanks, Hardison, you can get out of there.
OK, I'm gonna go in.
You want to play a little Nick and Nora? Uh-uh.
No.
I'm gonna stay on the outside for a bit.
There's something about this Keller guy that's vexing me.
OK, listen, Sophie, you never intentionally put an innocent person in danger.
Just don't let him put you in danger.
Good hunting.
[water running.]
Make sure we've got a cutout for the Spanish deal, and call our man in San Lorenzo Ah, Mr.
Keller.
Yes, I believe you dropped this.
Thank you, Mr - Jensen.
Tom Jensen.
- Oh, an American.
Are you with Claridge's? In a way.
I've I participated in some of their New York auctions.
Yeah.
- Participated how? - I'm a broker of merchandise, antiques mostly, for private collectors.
I like to let them know when something, uh, you know, of interest, uh, becomes discovered.
- Uh, you know - Smuggling is a crime, Mr.
Tom Jensen.
No, I find the goods, I don't I don't move them.
No, I heard that, uh, that was your specialty, actually.
- Interesting.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, this? Yeah.
- Statue of Ra? - Yes, yeah.
You buy that on the Portobello Road? [chuckles.]
No.
I have an archaeologist on payroll.
That came from a dig in Egypt.
Yeah, we have four crates of really high-end, amazing antiquities.
Yeah.
Yeah, in fact, I have to find a way to get them back to my, uh, buyer in America.
And I heard that you were the right person for that kind of job.
- [sniffs.]
- How does it smell? He smelled it? Oh.
No, that's not from Egypt.
And, uh, see this here? No, I'd say this is from the Bellingham collection, which is slated for auction in two weeks, which means you are either a con artist or a cop.
I'm just trying to make a deal here.
[Nate coughs.]
Nate, hold on, I'm on my way.
[Sophie.]
Eliot, stay where you are.
- What? - What? [grunts.]
I said, who are you working for? Eliot, you go in now, you blow the con.
[Eliot.]
Sophie, the con's already blown.
Yeah, the old one is.
Not my con.
The ring, Scottish manors.
I know Mr.
Keller's heart's desire.
[punches landing, grunting.]
I beg your pardon, but you're manhandling my employee.
Kindly call off your dog, Mr.
Keller.
Ennis, that's enough.
You know my name.
I can't say I've had the same pleasure.
Charlotte Prentice, Eighteenth Duchess of Hanover.
Your Grace.
What happened? You try the Egypt story? This statue comes from a private collection.
I meet a great deal of people on my travels who wish to have such collections liquidated quickly and quietly.
The buyer I have lined up for this particular piece is in America.
And I have no one I can trust to traverse customs.
If your story checks out, though on principle I would never doubt someone of your standing, I will do you the courtesy of not hunting down and killing your man here.
- Well, thank you.
- But, uh, I'm not taking on any outside clients right now.
- I'll double your commission.
- I'm afraid the answer's still no, Your Grace.
Now, if you'll pardon me.
Perhaps I can provide you with something else.
Something worth more than money.
I'm afraid there's really no price.
- A Knighthood, perhaps? - A Knighthood? [laughs.]
With all due respect, Your Grace, Her Majesty hands out Any pop star can have a Knighthood.
I see.
Your aims are a little higher.
One of the lost baronies then? - [Nate whispers.]
Sophie? - See what I'm running here? [whispers.]
I do.
But are you sure this is a good idea? One of the lost baronies? Not possible.
There are about ten people in the world who can secure an interview with the Earl Marshal, and I happen to be closely related to three of them.
If you help me with my little venture, then I'll help you claim a lost barony, My Lord.
How? Meet me at Porter's tomorrow.
Afternoon tea.
I'll look forward to it.
And, uh, let's leave our pets at home, shall we? Certainly.
- Who's the Duchess of Hanover? - And what's a lost baron? - Can I keep the statue? - We have a lot of work to do.
About 200 years worth, actually.
All right, guys, let's go steal a royal title.
A royal cover story is easy to check, hard to fake.
I spent seven years establishing this persona.
- Trust me, Nate, it's rock solid.
- How'd you know he'd go for it? Keller's been buying up small, but specific pieces of Scottish land.
Well, that's one way to obtain a minor barony.
He's also a royal fetishist.
I mean, there's no reason for him to overbid on the Prince Regent ring.
It had to be emotional.
Plus, when I introduced myself, he addressed me as Your Grace, rather than the more common, My Lady.
And he gave a little bow and kissed my hand.
- And what was the Earl Marshal part about? - Well, he controls the succession of titles in the peerage, so this is key.
There are 86 unclaimed baronies in Great Britain.
- It's just a title that no one holds.
- Does it come with a castle? - Sometimes.
Yeah.
- So this is Keller's heart's desire, I take it.
[Hardison.]
Oh, yeah.
I checked into it, man.
He's applied for an audience with Earl Marshal six times - in the past two years.
Denied.
- Good guess.
It's not really a guess when it's that good, is it? The name of this con is called The Mummy's Tiara.
Come on, man, that can't be real.
- Am I gonna have to steal a corpse again? - Oh, it's real, all right.
And it's almost impossible to pull off in a country that has an actual monarchy.
So the Mummy's Tiara involves using a forged relic - to purchase a royal title.
- A forged relic? That means we need a forger.
I know a couple guys in the States.
No, Hardison.
Uh-uh.
Hardison, you're gonna do it.
I'm a hacker.
I hack, I don't forge.
You're not making a forgery.
You are going to create a work of art.
Smell it.
That's how he knew that Nate was lying.
Go on.
[sniffs.]
Oh, yeah, it smells like a statue.
And gold.
And? Oh, and and some cinnamon.
There's a little cinnamon on it.
And cardamom.
Those are the spices that statue was packed with as it lay in its tomb for thousands of years.
But those spices were only used in Libyan tombs, not Egyptian ones.
Eliot, feel the base.
It's rough.
It's been sanded.
Markings from the acidic cleanser used in the British Museum in the 1800s.
- And that's how he knew it wasn't a recent find.
- Can I taste it? You should.
Go on.
- It tastes like cold.
- [Sophie.]
Yeah.
So, as you know, Parker, most metals heat up when they're held.
Platinum, for example.
But, gold, no.
Gold stays cool, and impassive as a God.
So, if we're gonna fool an expert of Keller's caliber, then we're gonna have to overwhelm his senses with something too real to be fake.
Hardison, get busy.
There's your shopping list.
Don't skimp on supplies.
Use Eliot and Parker.
We're gonna go finish the deal with Keller and get him to transport our secret stash of treasures back to the States.
What secret stash of treasures? I'm sorry, does that say goat marrow? Let's go.
I'm about to revisit the topic of Sophie being overinvested.
Now, you want to you want to run a passion-based game - on a man who bankrolls terrorists? - Exactly.
End of the day, Nate, you always go here, whereas I go here.
But to a mark who's always in his head, the heart con's the only one that works.
The heart con is dangerous.
If it flames out on you, it's like igniting jet fuel.
Yeah? Tell that to the little girl who's sitting in an immigration holding cell.
Good luck.
Your Grace.
Allow me.
That's quite a claim you made yesterday.
Can you back it up? There are 86 lost or dormant baronies.
The Queen doesn't approve of titles lying fallow.
Having said that, it's almost impossible to claim one without the proper documentation.
I've done some research in that area myself.
It's proven less than fruitful.
Birth certificates, church records, even whole family trees are submitted for consideration.
But if you were to meet the Earl Marshal with a private journal of a royal ancestor, even the Queen herself couldn't refuse you.
A private journal.
Belonging to? The mistress of King George III.
That's a myth.
Isn't it? As you know, George's reign ended in abject failure.
Loss of the colonies, an incurable illness, a dimwitted son poised to take the throne.
The one thing he succeeded at was protecting his mistress, Catherine.
In a moment of clarity, in the last throes of his disease, he sent a pregnant Catherine to America with a trunk full of treasure.
And Catherine kept a diary.
- That has never been proven.
- Of course.
Some say she became a commoner in Massachusetts.
Some say she died at sea.
Some say she never left London at all.
No one knows.
But a man who has her book could claim a direct descent to Catherine And the King of England.
Now, that's got to be worth a barony and a small fortune.
I got your turpentine.
I got your walnut oil.
By the way, which I purchased from a very stunning vegan chick, so thank you for that.
And a bucket of soot.
- It's everywhere.
- [chuckles.]
Nice, E.
- Way to get your hands dirty.
- Yeah, thank you.
- Hey, put that down, man, that's my paper.
- It's a rag.
No, that's what printers used to make paper back in the 1700s.
- Use a moist towelette, please, and thank you.
- What's that smell? Uh, you don't want to know how they wet the paper back in the day.
- Did you? - Do not ask me, man.
- Damn it, Hardison! - Why you so sensitive? You've touched worse.
I'm goin' out for baba ganoush! Do you have the book? The book's coming up for auction at Claridge's as part of a small lot of 18th century volumes.
Even the auctioneer himself doesn't know its true value.
I was just gonna pick it up as a family heirloom, but I'd be happy to share it with you.
Along with a personal letter of introduction to the Earl Marshal.
If I help you move your goods to America.
- What's in the freight? - Oh, let's just say bits and bobs.
Statuary from Egypt, paintings from France.
There's a demand for these things in America.
But my operation is small and relies on relationships.
I just don't have the infrastructure to move so much so quickly.
Well, I do.
- So it's a deal then? - Almost.
There's someone who wants to see you, Duchess.
- Oh? - OK, who is it? Sophie, listen, if it gets too hot, just leave.
Her Ladyship, the Countess of Kensington.
All right, Sophie, listen, if your cover is blown, it's OK.
Just find a way out.
[Nate.]
Sophie? - Charlotte! - Auntie! [woman laughs.]
Charlotte? Ah, well, family reunion.
I think the technical term is cotton swell.
Maybe it's you putting 'em in too far, that's your problem.
Um, I don't know how soon we're doing this auction scam, but are you planning on printing out the entire diary page by page? You better hope that she's got a short and boring life, my man.
You know what I've achieved here? Do you? I made ink from boysenberries, OK? I've I've tanned hide for the covers.
I forgot to tell you, don't go in the Jacuzzi, it's not safe.
I've made glue for the binding from animal parts I do not care to discuss.
I I've made content for the filler pages using an algorithm from digitized colonial era novels and diaries.
It's Shakespeare in the house, people.
Shakespeare.
- That sounds like a lot of work.
- It is.
In a single day, I've gone from apprentice to journeyman to master.
- OK.
Well, I - He's losing it.
Yeah, so I'm gonna go steal some stuff.
OK, but come back 'cause I've fused computer technology - [stammers.]
with this stuff.
With with - All right, man.
- Let us know how that goes.
- I've hacked history.
I've hacked history, people.
[laughing.]
So there I was.
Remember this? I had the weed clippers in one hand, I had the prize petunias in the other And the dear girl looked me right in the eye and said [both.]
Auntie, at least you still have the blue ribbon.
- [laughs.]
- [cell phone rings.]
Pardon me a moment.
It will give us a chance to catch up.
Hello? Yes, Mr.
Moreau.
So, my dear Charlotte, where have you been all these years? Oh, you know, traveling.
I always wanted to see the world.
How have you been, Auntie? Oh, well enough, in spite of my pains.
But without dear William, gone these eight years come April Oh, don't look so said, girl, it'll pucker your looks.
- I miss him, that's all.
- Yes, well, he never blamed you for running off like you did.
But the drink helped to console him.
I loved him, Auntie.
Very much.
And he loved you, dear.
Fiercely.
One has to love fiercely in order to die of a broken heart.
Don't you agree? [Keller sighs.]
I am so sorry, Your Grace.
That, uh, was my employer.
There's been an incident in Boston that's made him more cautious - about our next shipment.
- Oh, well, I'd best go take care of some details.
Instead of next week, we'll be taking it out tomorrow.
That's not going to be a problem, is it? Sophie.
You have something you want to ask me? I, uh yeah.
[sighs.]
How real is this, uh, [laughs.]
this Duchess persona? Where are we exactly on your side of things? Oh, no, no, everything's OK.
Yeah.
I mean, uh, you know, Keller's shipping his antiquities out of London in the morning, we have to finish forging a 200-year-old book that has to hold up to expert scrutiny, and take over an auction that's gonna start in five minutes, and deliver to Keller a treasure trove of antiquities that we don't actually have.
Piece of cake.
Plus, we're one step closer to Damien Moreau.
OK, Hardison, I need that book, now.
Hey, man, Sophie said flawless, now you're saying fast.
You two need to have a conversation and figure it out.
Uh fast.
Go with fast.
OK, but the glue on this binding, it takes two weeks to dry naturally.
Now, a hair dryer is too hot and too powerful.
It'll curl the pages and melt the spine.
I managed to find a manicure dryer, so you're just gonna have to wait.
And as stunning as my work is, stunning I say, it's still a rush job.
It'll pass the first inspection, but it won't hold together for very long.
[sighs.]
OK, Eliot, what's your status? I'm meeting with Keller's transport guys right now.
Hey, guys.
How are ya? Hi.
I, uh, I'm under orders to inspect your facility before we can move the things.
- I see where you're coming from, and I respect your work.
- Thank you.
But we've only got two jobs today.
One is to accompany you to your lady's storage bin, and empty it of its contents.
The second is to take it back with us.
We won't be needing your accompaniment on that second leg.
OK.
[chuckles.]
I gotta I gotta call it in.
- Uh, one second.
- [dialing.]
Nate, these guys want me to take 'em straight to Sophie's secret stash.
What the hell am I supposed to do with them? OK, stall, stall.
Um, uh, London city tour.
You're good at that.
You want me to stall 'em? They're former British paratroopers.
- How how do you? - [Eliot.]
Haircuts, all right? It's very distinctive haircuts.
[Keller.]
Your Grace.
I've checked into the book collection.
- You checked them? - Asked around.
Personal diaries from the colonial era.
They have no idea what's in there, what that diary is worth.
[chuckles.]
They think it's just the rambling fantasies of a lovesick girl.
[laughs.]
Parker? Parker? What? Hey, is Sophie a princess? Parker, just did you take care of the auctioneer? Yeah.
Sophie told me to find out his deepest wish and give it to him, - but I thought that would take way too long, so - Yeah, yeah.
- Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? - Hm? [muffled shouting.]
What? He's gonna wake up in, like, three hours.
- Come on.
- [Eliot.]
That's insane, man.
You Red light means stop.
Just like in the States, it's the same thing, I should have known that.
- I don't want to lose your boys.
- Are you sure you know - where you're going? - I know exactly where I'm going, man, it's just really tough.
I don't It's hard.
These streets are really confusing, man.
The streets of London.
- The other side.
- Exactly.
You're meant to be on the other bloody side of the road.
- [honking horns.]
- [Eliot.]
Whoa! That guy.
That's not my fault.
Lot four-five-six.
This exquisite Ming Dynasty vase was once smuggled out of mainland China in a donkey's saddlebag.
It resurfaced decades later in the private collection of a Hong Kong billionaire, where it was left virtually unprotected by a sub-par laser grid security system.
- [whispers.]
Parker! - [clears throat.]
Reserve price, 500,000 pounds.
Can I have a starting bid, please? OK.
Five-fifty.
And do I have 600? Yes, to the toupee on the right.
Yes.
An antique enamel and made right here in London.
Let me tell you something, it's worth a lot more than you think just by looking at it.
Especially if you consider the 16 angry henchmen who are going to be following you through the gardens of Versailles if you happen to pick it up, OK? You know what I'm sayin'? - [clears throat.]
Parker.
- Lot seven-three-nine.
A stone elephant crafted by Peter Carl Faberge for His Imperial Highness.
Hang on a second, let me see that.
- Yeah, no, that's a fake.
- [shattering.]
- OK, you're here, finally.
- Whoo! [panting.]
Finally? Finally? You are looking at the Leonardo da Vinci of forgery, my friend.
- [panting.]
It's all packed.
- All right.
- The box has to pass, too.
- Yeah.
OK.
You can track Keller's money back to Moreau's account, right? OK, but remember, Keller has got to go big or go home.
I can follow his bid back to the shell companies, but it has to be big enough, OK.
Quarter of a million.
Let's go.
- Stretch it out, stretch it out.
- [leg cracks.]
- We're up, Parker.
- Oh Would you, go ahead Thank you.
All right, lot eight-seven-two.
We've got a collection of old books from the 1700s.
- Do I have a starting bid? - [Hardison.]
I've got a starting bid.
- [Hardison panting.]
- Ooh.
You all right there, fella? OK.
All right, I see I have a phone bid of a 150,000 pounds.
Someone who loves to read old stuff.
Yeah.
All right.
- So, do I hear 160? - OK, Sophie, we've got to get Keller to bid at least 250,000 pounds.
Anything over that, and Hardison can trace the money back to the source so we can find Moreau.
- Isn't it too much? - Two hundred.
Two hundred thousand pounds.
OK, we've got 200.
Anyone - You like that? - Oh.
Uh, yeah.
You want to get with that? You gotta win the books, she loves the books.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
- Two-twenty.
- Two-twenty! Oh, hey, all right! Love a man in a pink shirt.
Not afraid to wear color.
That's a good sign.
What? Why, that little toe rag.
That's a family heirloom.
How dare that little low-class trash bid on our ancestor's journal.
Quite right.
Two-sixty.
- Two-sixty! Going once - Two-eighty! - Wait, that's too much.
- Eh two-eighty.
Two-twenty, that was romantic.
You know, two-eighty, she's gonna think you're a sap.
- Two-eighty.
- Sophie.
Three hundred.
Going once, twice, sold, 300! Great, thanks for comin'.
[Eliot.]
That was confusing, wasn't it? All the What do you call those things, round arounds? Round Roundabouts, whatever? You guys, we don't have those in the States.
What language was the signs? [laughs.]
At least you guys speak American.
Or I, well, I mean, I know you speak English.
That's Southern humor.
Uh keys.
Keys.
Did I leave them in the van? You don't think so? [sniffs.]
It's genuine, thank you.
Whooo! What? What? Money transferring now.
This is the first day of your new life as a baron.
Shall we go and see the Earl Marshal? Oh, I'll be seeing him, thanks, as soon as I bloody well please.
Uh, you'll need my letter of introduction.
I had a chat with the Countess yesterday.
She told me all about your little royal scandal.
Apparently, having you with me would ruin my chances of advancement.
I'll take the book, thanks, that's all I need.
- What about our deal? - Oh, right.
- [speed dialing.]
- [Ennis.]
Hello? - Ennis, you still at the storage unit? - Mm-hm.
Clear it out.
And their man, shoot him.
Throw him in the Thames.
If it'd been a snake, it'd a bit me.
[cocks gun.]
It really hurts me to have to do this to you.
I've quite enjoyed your company this afternoon.
- Listen to me - But I'm gonna need you to open up the storage unit now.
Listen, let me explain something to you.
This thing, there's nothing in here, OK? My boss is running a con on your boss, man.
I don't need this.
I didn't sign up for this, OK? This thing is empty.
- I don't care if it's - [grunting.]
Get him.
[grunts.]
[mimicking British accent.]
I've quite enjoyed your company today as well.
Yes, Mr.
Moreau, I'll be in Rome in two hours.
Usual spot.
Could you finish up on the phone, please, sir? Could we, uh, possibly speed things up a little bit? I can't miss my flight.
Urgent business.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Keller, we're going to have to detain you.
This is a very expensive piece that I bought at auction.
Here's the paperwork.
Right.
Well, this says you purchased a couple of books.
It doesn't say anything about wooden Russian icons.
Well, that's because I didn't buy any icons.
No.
You didn't buy them.
- [whistles.]
- What? Parker, what do you got for me? Oh, some great Russian icons, And statue.
Gold guy.
OK, perfect.
Statue of Ra.
Bring it to me.
Oh, and, uh, bring those icons.
I have an idea.
- Cheeky bitch.
- Oh, that ain't all, mate.
You just paid This is a There's, uh, been a misunderstanding.
You can tell it to Scotland Yard.
They want to ask you about the other antiquities you tried to smuggle today.
- What? - Here we go.
This way, sir.
- Hey, what's all this, then? - It's a misunderstanding.
- What's in the storage unit? - Nothing.
It's bloody empty.
We'll see about that.
[whistles.]
If that's what you call nothin', I'd sure like to see somethin'.
[PA.]
Arriving passenger, Johnson, meet your party at the first floor level baggage concourse.
I don't know how you did it, but thank you.
Thank you very much.
You've touched so many lives without even knowing it.
Well, that's what we do.
[woman speaks French over P.
A.
.]
Oh, hey.
[both speak Arabic.]
High five.
Boom.
Thank you so much.
- The storage locker was not empty.
- No.
In fact, it was filled with stolen artworks, antiquities.
Yeah.
I read that in the paper.
- Your own personal stash? - That storage locker was filled with some of the very first things I ever stole.
You got a lot of buried secrets in London, don't you? - Archaeology of crime.
- Eh, at least I now know your real name.
Uh-uh, no, that's not my real name.
Charlotte was my stage name.
Hm.
Any news on Keller's auction payment? Oh, yeah.
In my trace I peeled back ten layers of security off an airborne Wi-Fi connection.
Airborne.
You might be the greatest of all time, man.
Did you find anything? Yeah, I found ten shell companies, one of which is actually a promising lead.
It's called Slap Shot Investments, run by Mark Vector.
Mark Vector, the hockey player? The Enforcer? - Great, let's get him.
- He's a pro.
He struck a deal with the feds.
He's protected.
What are you What is the smile? What are you smiling at? What is what is that? - Oh, no.
No, no, no.
- Oh, yeah.
Let's go steal a federal witness.