Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007) s03e12 Episode Script

Yasir! A surprise visit? That's so sweet.
Yes! A visit! That's precisely what this is.
- What's in the folder? - Oh this? I thought I could take care of some business with the building inspector.
While I was seeing you Exclusively.
- I l-o-v-e you.
- Oh, that so should not still work.
Hey, if I'm not allowed to mack it up at the office, neither are you.
Oh, Yasir just came for an inspection.
Is that what they're calling it these days? Possibly.
I really wouldn't really know.
Is the building inspector in? - I'm renovating Rayyan's new home - Boring.
- Tell it to the inspector.
- Yeah, great.
Where is he? - He quit.
- Gary quit? I thought he was just really organized.
Wait a minute.
Yasir, you're tools-y.
Any chance you're looking for a second job? You get to approve your new shed yourself.
- It's not a shed, it's Rayyan's new home.
- Boring.
What do you say? - Well, I would be the ideal candidate.
- You would.
Wait, honey, don't get in over your head here.
You can't be a contractor and building inspector.
It's a conflict of interest.
- What isn't? Welcome aboard.
- Lovely.
- I-I don't think this really is - I l-o-v-e you.
- Oh, darn, how do you do that? - It's a gift.
Season 3 Episode 12 Double Troubles - So, how goes the first day? - Excellent.
I have the results of my inspection of Rayyan's house in one hand, Ooh, my lucky approving-pen in the other.
- Let's watch and see what happens.
- Ah, Let's wait.
What are all these? Stuff that's been piling up since Gary left.
Ah, yes, but you see, I won't be here long enough to deal with these.
You can approve Rayyan's place after you've done everything else.
Did you have this whole scheme planned when you hired me? Ain't I a stinker? But it's not as bad as it looks.
Most of the complaints are just from one local crackpot.
- Which one? - A friend of yours, actually.
- A Sudoku, Sedaka? - Baber Siddiqui?! Yeah, between you and me, I think it was Baber who drove the last guy away.
Between you and me, I can guarantee it.
Amaar! Knock-knock.
Nate, I think the knock-knock works better before you enter.
Yeah, my way's faster.
So listen, some old friends of mine are in town and are lookin' to get this par-tay started.
- Par-tay? - It means party.
I know what it means.
I just haven't heard that word since 1987.
Hey, what can I say, I'm a throwback.
So, you up for some fun? And I should tell you, if you say no, it means yes.
- What if I say yes? - Awesome! Let's go.
No.
Nate, Nate, Nate.
.
I like you and everything, but I've been thinking about this, and I'm still not sure our - lifestyles are compatible.
- Didn't you have fun last time? - We went to jail.
- Again with the jail thing.
Doesn't the Quran say "Let all acquaintance be forgot?" I think that's the New Year's eve song.
But I've been telling them all about you.
And I don't want them to think I haven't made any friends in town.
Nate, they're not going to Seriously, I haven't made any friends in town.
- Can you at least promise me no bar brawls? - No bar brawls.
- No gambling? - No gambling.
- No alcohol? - We'll figure something out.
- This is perfectly safe.
- It is not safe! This bandstand would collapse under the first band that attempted to stand.
- I thought it was called a gazebo.
- It is called a lawsuit in the making.
Whoever built this did not know what they were doing.
- Hey! I built this.
- Part of me knew that.
- Baber, I just don't see the problem.
- Are you blind? That thing is just waiting to fall and crush some possibly-innocent bystander.
- It's secure.
- You have to listen.
When the wind blows it makes a disturbing creak of impending collapse.
- I don't - wait for it Pssst! Wait for it - It's a stool.
- The floor beneath is sinking! The floor beneath is level.
We are not having this argument again.
Actually Um There is a slight indentation here.
You see? Some slothful glutton has spent so much time sitting here, it has made the floor unsafe.
Write her up! - Is this not the stool you usually sit on? - Write her up! - How are you enjoying your new job? - Baber's kind of ruining it for me.
Welcome to my world.
What are we doing at the bandstand? - Bandstand? - Oh, the gazebo.
I know you're not into bars, so I thought we'd just have a picnic.
Huh! Well, that sounds reasonably - inappropriate.
Who are they? - They are my friends! Jill and Ashley.
- They're women.
- Hey! Someone got an "A" in biology.
- Okay, is this some kind of double date? - No, of course not.
But just so we're clear, Ashley's mine.
Hey, baby! So you're Aimer.
I've so much about you.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Um, I'll be over - I'm not going on a date.
- Why, you with someone? - No! I'm Muslim.
We don't date.
- Must make it hard to hook up.
Nate, for Muslims, hooking up means a planned meeting with chaperones.
Ummm Check and check.
And there also has to be intent for possible marriage.
Okay, Amaar, any time a boy and a girl meet, they chance finding that spark that leads to forever-land.
I just don't want to set that sort of example for my congregation.
Stay for half an hour so Jill's feelings aren't hurt.
And I should remind you, if you say no, it means yes.
I'm not falling for that again.
It's a no.
That's the spirit.
- A bad day? - It's just not fair! I only took this job so I can approve Rayyan's new home, and now I can't because the mayor gave me the job for selfish reasons.
Don't worry, sweetie, it's almost done.
There's only one thing left.
Don't tell me, Baber wants me to outlaw revolving doors? - Oh, they are tricky.
- True! Anyway, no, it's just a building inspection for some chain.
- Mama's Motels.
- Sounds cozy.
A division of Mama's Motels and Holdings, a subsidiary of Evanco Corporation.
Oh this is fantastic! Just one inspection and I can close this file, approve Rayyan and J.
J's home, they can get married, move in, have our grandson! Whoa, Yasir, slow down.
One thing at a time.
And I think you meant granddaughter.
And that is why pork is forbidden in Islam.
- Oh, you're so funny, Aimer! - Um, well, it wasn't a joke.
But, guys, I should get going.
If by that you mean play Frisbee with us, we're down.
No, guys, I, uh I can't - Amaar, salaam alaikum.
- Walaikum assalaam.
- What are you doing here? - It's my secret shame.
I like to walk in the park.
Are those your friends? No! I was going for a walk myself, by myself, not with them.
Hey, Aimer, you feelin' tough enough to make this a tackle game? - Oh, hi, I'm Jill.
- No she isn't.
Um I'm not? - Sorry, Jill, this is - Hi, I'm Rayyan.
- It's fascinating to meet you.
- Oh, likewise.
So are you in? - No.
- Don't let me stop you.
- Bye, Aimer.
- No, Rayyan, you don't have to go! - Ah, Hamoudi! - Mr Brison? You know, I was just noticing, you're a contractor and a building inspector.
Yes, I know what you're thinking conflict of interest.
- Here's why it's not - Doesn't bother me in the slightest.
Good, because I thought I'd have to jump through some hoops there.
I like you, Hamoudi.
You're a Neurelco Corporation kind of guy.
You know that? Take a seat.
Um I thought Mama's Motels was a subsidiary of Evanco.
Which is a division of Neurelco.
Anyway, we look forward to your check-mark on mama's latest motel.
And I look forward to giving it.
Great.
Now, I know you do have to see the building in person, but do have a look at this first when you get home later on.
- Ah.
Building specs? - Sure.
Right, then.
Incidentally, those two, do they ever say anything? Oh, no, no.
They're just yes-men.
- But they don't even say yes.
- You're right.
They're more like nod-men.
It's more efficient.
- Salaam alaikum.
- Walaikum assalaam.
Listen, I uh wanted to explain about yesterday.
Oh! You mean about your girlfriend? Yes.
No! I mean she's not my girlfriend.
- Struck out? - No.
I mean I wasn't at the bat.
Mmm, that's too bad.
Jill really seemed to like you.
I am charming.
Not intentionally.
I just can't turn it off.
Is it on now? 'Cause I'm not getting it.
Nate, Nate.
Yes, come in! Um, can you please tell Rayyan what yesterday was about? Oh, I surprised Amaar with this hot date, which apparently makes me the worst person ever.
Amaar, I'm just teasing you.
I know you'd never go on a date like that.
And he never will again.
Jill didn't like him.
Nice touch Nate, but you don't have to No, seriously.
She really didn't like him.
- I think you're overselling it.
- I mean really - Really.
- Okay, I'm gonna leave you guys to it.
What's wrong? I just got back from inspecting Mama's Motels.
- And? - Oh mama! Nothing's up to code.
All the materials are substandard.
On the plus side, it smelled like lilacs.
So what now? Well, they gave me those original blueprints.
Maybe I can figure out where all the money went.
Mystery solved! Great, Yasir.
A bribe.
I knew you were gonna get in over your head when you took this job! - Why didn't you say something? - I did! Oh, right.
- I l-o-v-e you.
- Yeah, no.
Not this time.
Let's not panic.
Maybe our problem is terminology.
Why do we insist on calling it a bribe? Why don't we call it a tip? - You mean like a waiter? - Why would anyone bribe a waiter? Yasir, this is bad on so many levels.
- Legally, morally.
Legally.
- You're right.
Do you know what happens to people who take bribes? Yes! They send them to prison.
The clink.
The big easy.
- That's New Orleans.
- Ooh.
I've always wanted to go to New Orleans.
You're meeting those men again and you're giving the money back.
You're right.
You're right.
Giving it back.
And I think I should be there to make sure it happens.
Darling, don't be silly.
I may be many things, but one thing I am not is a big stack of money.
I think you meant "crook".
Ha, hah.
I',m sorry, honey.
I mean money wait! Maybe you should come.
I don't get it.
I did everything right.
Amaar, you weren't even interested in her.
I know, but being rejected by a woman you're not even interested in is worse.
I thought she liked me.
She laughed at my jokes.
- Maybe she was faking it.
- Please, I know when they're faking it.
- Really? - Try me.
Amaar, you're so funny! Okay, stop.
There you go.
It's her loss.
And Duncan's gain? Ah, Amaar! Why don't you come over and join us? It's okay.
Never mind.
- So is there a problem? - More a misunderstanding.
I'm sure we've gotten the wrong idea about something.
Oh! Whew.
I thought there might've been an issue with the bribe.
Okay.
Maybe we do have a problem.
Yasir made a mistake.
He's really sorry.
Uh you wanna give this back? There are no give-back-sies.
Hey! You never called that! He never called that! - Well, I'm calling it now.
- Boys, boys.
Let's be grown-ups about this.
Yasir and I are Muslim.
Bribes are not allowed.
Oh, I see.
And I suppose they're alright for for the rest of us? Oh, no, I didn't mean that.
I have an idea! I'm a contractor.
Why don't you pay me this money to bring the motel up to code? Wow, you are new at this, aren't you? Look, let me tell you how things work at Omnicore.
- I thought the company was called Neurelco.
- We've had a busy couple of days.
If we allow you the time to bring this building up to code, then we'll miss the busy summer season and will be out way more money than we're giving you in a bribe.
I'm going to have to reject your application and move on.
You may wanna see what the mayor has to say about that.
Oh for the love of Will you stop nodding?! Easy.
They have feelings too, you know.
They do.
Did you hear the one about the priest, the reverend and the rabbi? Buddy, I didn't hear it, I lived it.
- Was that how she laughed with you? - Not even close.
You see, coz to me, that sounded real.
If you're that upset about it, why don't you just talk to her? I'm good.
Fine then.
I will.
That's mature.
While you're at it, why don't you pass her a note? - If it comes to that.
- Rayyan, wait! - Duncan.
How's your date? - Well, "date"?! Obviously it's not going anywhere.
She's a little too young for me.
But she did say she was gonna instant message me.
What's your secret? When it comes to spiritual guidance, I'm happy to give it out for free.
My dating secrets I take to the grave.
You took a bribe your first week of work? - Yeah, and I can explain - Wow, usually it takes months for a building guy to figure out how things work.
- You're fast.
- Anne, Yasir is not taking their money.
I didn't say he should.
- So he shouldn't.
- I didn't say that either.
- Yasir, here's the thing - Yes? That company's looking to spend a fortune in this town.
- Building shoddy motels? - They don't just build shoddy motels.
They're thinking big.
Shoddy strip malls, shoddy bowling alleys - Shoddy animal shelters? - Easy, kiddo.
You're talking about living things.
So, what, Yasir should just get used to taking bribes? I didn't say that.
- So I shouldn't.
- I didn't say that either.
It's called plausible deniability, kids.
Oh, and Yasir, one more thing.
If you do take it and I'm not saying you should, don't ask for too much money.
Sometimes that makes them call off the whole thing.
- Thanks.
I'll try and remember that.
- Well, cheer up.
Once you've dealt with all this stuff, you can approve Rayyan's place.
- Can't I just do that first? - Nay.
I'm not really comfortable bending the rules.
So I guess you'll just have to resign.
I have a better idea.
She said that if I asked for too big a bribe, they may call off the deal.
We'll ask them to double it! - Yasir, that's crazy.
- Yeah.
So crazy it might work.
No.
Crazy.
You know what works? Things that aren't crazy.
it's the not crazy thing that works.
You can't back up that statistic.
I like your eyeliner.
It really brings out, uh, your eyes.
Really? Thanks! So Reverend Magee, huh? How is that? He's fun.
Too bad he's not 20 years younger.
Well, you know who is 20 years younger? Amaar.
Oh, Aimer? Yeah, not my style.
He's one of those guys who always wants you to have an opinion so you can "discuss" thing.
- Like have a conversation? - Exactly! And plus he's like hyper-religious.
You know he prays five times a day? Well, actually, that's one of the five pillars of our Never mind.
I mean, I guess he's sort of cute but, like, whatever, he wasn't even into me anyway.
- Well, how can you tell? - When someone really likes you, they look at you like you're the only one in the room.
Aimer never even makes eye contact.
- He doesn't? - No.
Haven't you noticed? - Can't say I have.
- You seem pretty curious about Aimer.
- Maybe you should go for him.
- Me?! Oh no! That is crazy.
You're crazy.
- Why not? - It's complicated.
Oh, you're engaged! I'm sorry, I didn't even see the ring.
Yes, I'm engaged.
That's what I meant by complicated.
Seems pretty simple to me.
Okay this is a lot of meetings.
- No.
This is the last.
- Good.
I've had easier time redeeming flight points.
- I know.
They do make it hard, don't they? - Yes, they do, really do.
Now, I hope the mayor clarified how all this works.
Yeah About the bribe I'm going to be needing more, a lot more, if you catch my drift.
Well, is your drift that you want a lot more money? - Yes.
- Not much of a drift, but okay, I get it.
In fact, we were expecting this, and we happen to have a lot more money right here.
"Bigway"? Yeah sorry, I couldn't find an envelope big enough.
Okay.
This isn't working.
Look, we only asked for more money because we wanted to scare you off.
I don't get you, Hamoudi.
If you can't take a simple bribe, why would you even work for city hall? I only wanted a place for my daughter to live! Well then I think it's very clear that you've done it for the wrong reasons.
Ah.
This is insane.
You know, the day will come when everything won't be soaked in bribes and deep-fried in corruption.
A day when cheap motels will pass inspections on merit! Seems unlikely, but go ahead and dream.
In the meantime, would you hurry up and quit so I can bribe the next guy? - Fine.
- It's okay, sweetie.
I know you just wanted what was best for Rayyan.
Look, if it's any consolation, I'll make sure the new guy gets to your daughter's place next.
If you could not let us know how you do that, that would be great.
Sure, deal.
- So are you gonna tell me? - Tell you what? - What Jill said about me.
- Sure, I'll tell you.
- Just give it to me straight.
- I will.
- You enjoy holding this over me, don't you? - Kind of.
Come on, Rayyan.
I'm dying here.
Amaar, the problem was Jill.
Some people just can't see what other people see.
You got all that from the washroom? You shouldn't base your opinion of yourself on someone else anyway.
Sometimes it's just not meant to be.
Yeah, I think I read that in a fortune cookie once.
I'm serious.
Some day you'll meet an incredible girl who you have an amazing connection with and you'll be too busy feeling insecure to see her standing right in front of you.
Yeah.
I hear that.
Let me ask you something.
This connection is that what you felt when you first met J.
J? Yeah Of course.
- Are you sure? - Yeah Well, it's just the distance, with him in Dubai.
And then we had some tension before he left, so that makes it harder.
I'm sure it does.
It'll be better when he gets back.
Yeah, you're probably right.
You okay? Yeah, sorry.
It's just that you were looking at me.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Rayyan, I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable.
No, I know.
- I just look at everyone that way.
- I know.
So Are you playing a little Frisbee later? Uh Kinda off Frisbee at the moment.
Too many painful memories? Ha-ha-ha.
Hilarious.
Very funny.