Mad About You s03e12 Episode Script

Mr.
Mooney.
Mr.
Mooney! Mr.
Mooney.
All right, thank you.
* Tell me why I love you like I do * Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you * Let's take each other's hand * As we jump into the final frontier * I'm mad about you, baby * Yeah! Hey, you guys.
Hey, listen, it's me.
I was on my way home, I hit 16th Street and, boom, I gotta pee.
Oh, man, do I gotta pee.
So, listen, I go to Three Brothers, right? Nick says, "Customers only.
" I say, "I gotta pee.
" He says, "Customers only.
" I say, "Come on, I come in here every day.
" He says, "Buy something.
" I say, "What? I just gotta pee.
" He says He says, "Cup of coffee.
" I said, "It defeats the whole purpose.
" (TOILET FLUSHES) I mean, man, do you believe that guy? That attitude may play in Greece, but not with me.
Hey, Paulie? James? Murray? Hey! Where are you guys? (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Did you know that I have 29 teeth? Is your burger okay? You barely touched it.
The chicken was a poem.
I said the chicken was a poem.
Really? See, right there, I was thinking chicken, and then suddenly, I wasn't in a chicken frame of mind.
Honey, do you think Murray's okay out there? Of course he is.
A: He's in the vestibule, and, 2: He's got fur.
What's the matter, you're saying he's not okay? Honey, because if you're saying he's not okay Sweetie, no, no, no, no.
You're right, you're right.
In fact, you are consistently right.
Me, not so much.
Pay attention to me! All right.
Sorry.
You're not gonna believe this.
I mean, only to me, right? I'm on the subway and I meet this guy.
And he says, "What do you do?" And I say, "I got a band.
" He says, "You got a band? I got a club.
" I say, "Get your hand out of my pocket.
" Anyway, he hands me his card and he's got this really sweet smile.
So, I call up the band and I say, "Meet me.
" So they meet me, only Derek can't get off work, right? So, we go up to the club.
Club, my ass.
It's a roof.
I say, "It's a roof.
" He says, "It's gonna be a club.
" I say, "I got a closet.
It's gonna be a Baskin-Robbins.
" I mean, why do these things happen to me? Who are you? Want some coffee? What time is it? Almost 8:00.
Yeah, we're fine.
We're not meeting Susannah till 9:00.
Oh, Susannah.
Oh, Susannah.
Like you know who I'm talking about.
Actually, the line is, "Oh, Susannah, don't you cry for me.
" Is the actual line I know Susannah.
Susannah.
Your friend Susannah Susannah Magnatini, tello, te, uh, toro.
Magnatoro.
Gould.
Gould, yeah.
I know her, from your English Yeah, psychology psychology class.
Seminar.
Seminar.
And my name would be? Brenda? All right, so I've been a little--little consumed lately.
You've done these tapes a million times.
I know, but this is-- this is different.
This is the first one I actually have to write the script for also.
Why did you do that? 'Cause I figured, "How hard could it be?" You know, the How to Stucco Your Roof, that one, I called in an expert.
But this one, How to Find 'Em, Meet 'Em, and Make 'Em Yours.
Come on.
I mean, who better? Find 'Em Meet 'Em and Make 'Em Yours? Yeah.
Hey, I have, in the past, found them, met them, and made them mine.
Let me see this.
Susannah Gould.
Yeah? Yeah.
From Jamie's psych seminar.
Yeah? Yeah.
So where is she? Who, James? Yeah.
Um, I'm early.
I do that.
Sorry.
Oh, you got cool stuff.
Hey, it's-- it's You know how you get a picture in your head? I mean, this apartment, I was right there.
You, I was way off.
Why? What'd you picture? I don't know.
Taller.
I'm 5'9".
Oh, yeah, right.
And a half.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
It's just, it's the picture.
In your head? Yeah.
Adjust it.
I will.
Fine.
Fine.
I'm Ira.
These are things you did? Yes.
When you were single? That's right.
And who fell for this? Okay, going backwards, you No, no, no, no, no.
That was different.
How? Because when we met, it was fate.
It was fate.
It was.
All right, fine.
It was fate.
Okay, good.
It was fate.
Well, not everybody is lucky.
So, it is thus my duty to--to help the fate-impaired.
What? Y-You don't think this stuff would work? I don't know, try it.
Yeah, okay.
Good.
I'm serious.
Go ahead.
Try it on who? Whom? Stop it.
Right there.
How about her? She's too tall.
She's cute.
GIRL: Oh, I love that.
A little too peppy.
Ah, okay.
Right there.
She's perfect for you.
No sense of irony.
Come on.
There must be somebody.
Who would you pick up? All right.
And I'm not just saying this to suck up.
I--I would pick up you.
Come on.
No, seriously.
Because, you know, y-you're cute, you got a perky sweater, and you look like you would irritate my mother just about enough.
Here we go.
Pick me up.
I can't pick you up.
Why not? 'Cause it's stupid.
You think you can't do it? Of course I can do it.
I did it.
You're up.
Come on.
I'm here, you're there, we've never met.
Okay.
Ursula.
Excuse me.
I'd like to buy the lady a drink.
Okay.
So you want separate checks? No.
All right.
Well, now, what about the chicken? I already bought the lady a chicken.
Now I'd like to buy the lady a drink.
I'd like a champagne cocktail.
You don't drink those.
How do you know? We've never met.
That's right.
That's right.
Good point.
Champagne cocktail for the anonymous lady.
Okay, now, should I cancel the chicken? Um, I--I already ate it.
Okay, I'm gonna check with the chef.
Look, it was really nice to meet you, but I got to go.
Okay.
No, no.
I got to go.
Yeah.
Which means you got to go.
Why? I can't just leave you here.
Why not? I'm waiting for Jamie.
It's not my place.
So? So, what kind of a citizen would I be? Come on, come on, come on.
You don't trust me? I don't know you.
Look, it's cold out.
I'm not gonna leave you here.
Well, I'm not leavin'.
Well, you want me to carry you out? You want to meet my knee? Fine.
Fine.
Honey, honey, it's okay.
Here.
There you go, you've bought me a drink.
Now what? All right, now I would-- now I would make eye contact.
It's very tricky.
It's You know, it's a very tricky science there.
With eye contact, you know, 'cause if it's too little eye contact, then you're darting around.
You know, you look shifty.
Nobody wants that.
And too much eye contact, you know, you're like a lunatic.
So you got to walk that very fine line.
How was that? Very good start.
Okay.
Okay.
Go.
All righty.
(MUMBLES) You come here often? Don't you hate these places? Hmm.
Anybody ever tell you you look like Jodie Foster? (CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me, ma'am, could you pass the nuts? I'm an orphan.
Okay, honey Fine.
You--You do better.
You try.
You get me.
Okay.
Where you going? To get you.
I'm over here.
I'm over there.
But I'm over here.
Soon, you'll be over there.
(CLEARS THROAT) Well, that's not gonna work.
Chewing a straw.
"I'm chewing a straw.
"I'm chewing a straw.
I'll be so attractive.
"Men will come to me because I'm chewing a straw.
"I'm chewing a straw.
" Chew it.
It's so cute.
It's not gonna work.
Excuse me.
All right, it worked.
What, you hungry? Yeah.
So, grab a knife.
So, you and Jamie, you go to school together, huh? Yeah.
You're her cousin? No, Paul's.
Oh.
She's always saying "My cousin Ira," so She says that? Yeah.
Well, that's nice.
Oh, man! They got Siegfried and Roy matches.
Yeah.
Paulie and Jamie were in Vegas last year.
What are you doin'? I told you, I collect 'em.
You just take stuff without asking? But they're matches.
But they're their matches.
So? So, what, you want to take the toaster, too? Oh, boy.
You got stuff in your head.
I don't have anything in my head.
I could write a paper.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hand 'em over.
Jeez.
So, you come here often? Oh, not really.
Don't you hate these places? PAUL: Oh, that's smooth.
Hey, I'm Mick.
Jamie.
You know, that's one of my favorite names.
Oh, brother.
Can I buy you a drink? Um Your champagne cocktail.
The service is great here, isn't it? Put it on my tab.
Okay, now, what about the chicken? You know, you got a great smile.
Oh, thank you.
Actually, that's not bad.
I, uh, I don't mean to embarrass you, but it's not like you haven't heard it a million times before, right? Just get him to talk slower.
Uh, excuse me, friend.
Uh Me? You.
Oh, you know this guy? Sort of.
Yeah, I'm her husband.
Oh, really? Paul.
Hey, Paul.
Listen, man, I'm sorry.
No, no.
You go ahead.
I'll just take a couple of notes.
You go ahead.
Uh, no, hey, it's okay.
Um, I'm not into this.
So, uh Thanks a lot.
Oh, I'm sure he'll call.
Anyway, apparently, I win.
No, you got him, you didn't get me.
I got you.
How do you figure? You're here.
I'm over here for research.
I'm not here 'cause of, you now All right.
Fine, fine, fine.
What was that? Whatever it is, you're over here because you were jealous.
I wasn't jealous.
Of course you were.
It bothered you.
How do you get that? Because I know you.
You don't know me.
We've never even met.
Honey, it would bother anyone.
No, not anyone.
Everyone.
No.
I don't Ursula, let me ask you something.
You see your boyfriend, somebody you love and trust, talking to some woman at the bar.
Would that bother you? Is he doing that again? Who? You bastard! What is the matter with you? Nothin'.
Oh.
Oh, what? Want another soda? No, no, no.
Thank you, I'm full.
Oh, man, am I full.
So go.
What, and leave you unattended? No way.
Well, suit yourself.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) MAGGIE: Yes? Come here a minute, will you? Well, actually, I'm No, no, no, no.
I'm not fooling around.
You keep an eye on her, okay? (PEOPLE CHATTERING) So, you having a party? No.
(TOILET FLUSHES) Okay, okay.
Thank you very much.
It was much appreciated.
And we'll see you later.
Maybe someone should fix us up.
With whom? Whom? Like you like.
With us.
Wait a second.
W-W-Whoa.
All right.
What are you doing? Just (TELEPHONE RINGING) (TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING) Okay, honey, it's for you.
Hello? Hi.
I-Is this Jamie? Yes.
Hi, hi.
My name is Paul Buchman.
Yes? Yeah, uh, your Aunt Charlotte bought my sister's Saab.
Oh, okay, well, great.
Yeah.
So.
So.
How you doing? I'm good.
How are you? Good.
I'm doing good.
Uh, I was thinking, um, maybe we should go out sometime.
Like Friday or Thursday.
Or any of the days.
Um, Friday's good.
Friday? Great.
How about 7:00 at Riff's? Okay, um Great.
So, how will I know you? Uh, people say I look a little like Jodie Foster.
Okay.
How will I know you? Uh, I actually I look like Daniel Day-Lewis in The Last of the Mohicans.
What? I'm going to see you Friday.
Just Just All right, great.
So, 7:00, Friday, drinks at Riff's.
Drinks? Yeah.
W-What'd you think? I thought you were buying me dinner.
Well, let's see how it goes.
We'll have drinks, and if it works out, well, I'll buy you dinner.
Why wouldn't it work? Well, you never know.
You don't think it's going to work out? I don't know.
I never even met you.
You not even giving it a try.
Hey, don't pressure me.
Okay, let's just forget the whole thing.
Hey, fine.
Fine.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Oh, come on, I'm kidding.
God! You, know, you are just like my husband.
What? You're married? Yeah, for about five minutes.
Well, you got me beat by two.
What happened? We were young.
That's the short version.
Well, you're still young.
Stupid young.
Yeah? I know about that.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Huh.
Huh.
Excuse me? Excuse me? What? Sorry to bother you.
I just, uh I can't seem to reach these.
Why not? I just can't.
It's right there.
Oh, hi, I'm Jamie.
Oh.
All right.
Oh, no, no.
You know what? I don't think so.
Why not? Because I can see how tall you are.
You would just reach your arm up.
Maybe I have bursitis.
Oh, there's a turn on.
Oh, fine.
(MAN CHATTERING ON TV) Wait a minute.
Go back.
Go back.
I used to work there.
You're kidding? Why not? It's the psychic line.
Yeah, so? So, what, you're a psychic now? You just got to talk.
Which clearly you can do.
What'd you talk about? Mostly I just listened and gave them a little push.
How'd you know where to push? You listen hard enough, you can hear what someone wants.
Yeah? Yeah.
So, what do I want? Something here.
Something where? Here, this place.
What, like the credenza? No.
Not something you can put in your pocket or put on a U-Haul.
Or, you know, something they got here that you wish you had.
That's why you've been acting like this.
It means something to you, I think.
Either that or you're just a putz.
Why is this so hard? What? For us to meet each other.
'Cause it's stupid.
I can't get you, I got you.
We're married.
Well, actually, that should make me more attractive to you.
What do you mean? Women get off on married men.
Not all women.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
It's a thing.
It's like men and lesbian scenes.
Okay, see, I don't get that.
What? What is not to get? I mean, I get it.
But you all like it so much.
Yes, 'cause it's naked and fun, and I agree with both of them.
You can't compare the two.
Oh, absolutely.
The minute I put this on, (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) I became 10 times more attractive than I am.
Fine.
Not to all women.
Okay.
Okay.
Hi, I'm Paul.
Jamie.
That's funny.
That's my wife's name.
Oh, you're married? Yeah.
Almost three years.
Wow.
What's she like? My wife? Yeah.
Kind of like you, actually.
About your height, your hair, your eyes, too.
She sounds perfect.
Actually, no.
No.
Not so much perfect.
She never puts the ATM stuff into the checkbook.
So we're always, like, $60 off.
Okay, I'm sorry Don't defend her.
She sneaks cigarettes behind my back.
Like, what, I don't have a nose? Then--Then she doesn't tell me that the film lab called last night, so I have to go down in the middle of my lunch hour to I could go on and on and on.
Why don't you just say something.
Why make trouble? But she's got good points, too.
She's got a lot of good points.
She gets so excited about things.
You know, she's genuinely surprised when we don't win the lottery.
She won't give money to Crazy Pete on the corner, but she'll go a block and a half out of her way to buy the man a sandwich.
And her laugh Her egg salad, very strong egg salad.
The way she calls me on stuff when I'm making myself crazy.
Knowing when I need to make myself crazy and then going there with me.
Mostly, her egg salad.
Well, she sounds great.
She's okay.
So, why are you here with me? I just can't help myself.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) JAMIE: Hey.
Hey.
IRA: Hey.
Hey.
MAN ON TV: Your table, madame.
WOMAN ON TV: Thank you, sir.
This is fun, isn't it? Yeah.
PAUL: This I like.
You're sure you like to do things like this? Sure.
JAMIE: See, now this guy knows what he's doing.
girls wanted fellas to take them to fancy places.
Spend lots of money.
Not this girl.
JAMIE: He could find me, meet me, and make me his like that.
You know, I sort of like things like this, too.
PAUL: Well, who knew? You won't laugh? I like to go on bicycle trips, too.
Do you? Mmm-hmm.
And miniature golf, do you like that? Yeah, and weenie roasts and square dances.
And baseball games and taffy pulls.
JAMIE: Why don't you ever take me to a taffy pull? you like to do lots of things, don't you? PAUL: I didn't know you were interested.