Malcolm in the Middle s03e12 Episode Script
Company Picnic (2)
'Previously,' It's a company picnic! Attended by my new boss whom I haven't met! I like her.
Don't screw this up! Laurie, hi! It's so good to see you! Keep moving.
Is your new boss here? They're all here! There's Landon, head of the company.
I woke up with the dog licking my face.
I thought it was my husband! I better see what my boys are doing.
It is a real pleasure to meet you, Mr Landon! Er, same here! You're playing girls?! The men won't play us until we beat the ladies.
You're responsible for these.
The coach wants to make a wager.
What's up with my skates? The blades are dull! Somebody unscrewed mine! If you liked someone, would you tell them? I like you, too.
Oh, my God! What? I was talking about Gary Spindler! You're going to be tied together for three hours.
Let's get hopping.
# Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # Life is unfair # Wow, these are nice woods! Come on, Malcolm, we're still friends! We can still have fun, right? Why don't you help me with this clue? "North of the fork and up a small hill, under a joke without J is a yellow bill.
" This doesn't make any sense! You'd think they'd make sense! Gary Spindler?! Malcolm! What do you see in him? He high-fives people when they decide what they want on their pizza! He still says, "It's the bomb!" "Hi, I'm Gary.
I have a laser pointer!" He's nice.
Can we concentrate on the scavenger hunt or we'll fall behind! It's a yellow duck under that oak tree there.
Joke without J, oke.
Oak tree.
The fork was back there.
(SQUEAKS) Wow, you were right! That's great, Malcolm! You're good at this! Yes, I am.
I have a lot of other good qualities.
There's lots of things to like about me if I was given half a chance! Can we just do this? Fine.
OK, clue number two.
"Look for this gem on an overgrown hem.
" "Stay to your right or it might take all night.
" For God's sakes! Gary Spindler?! What's going on out there? We've gone back two goals! I can't get speed with these skates! Get them sharpened! I already had Francis sharpen them twice! (COUGHS) Besides, number 32 is amazing! She's a monster! She's crippled our front line! (CHUCKLES) Sorry to take you away from your family, Mr Landon.
About this Mr Lan- I know, Bert.
Bert, I need your help! The cubicle dwellers are getting restless.
Ah.
Apparently they know about my reputation for downsizing.
I thought you could shoot them a little BS to calm them down.
Actually, I Great! Hey, everybody! I know there are some concerns here so I've brought Mr Landon over to put your minds at ease.
Now, he's taking time away from his family so not too many questions.
This is beautiful! Phil, Mr Landon would like to put our minds at ease! Isn't that right, Bert? Hal?! Ah, Bert.
Albert.
Halbert.
Hal! You know? I'm sensing a lot of confusion here but the keyword to keep in mind is loyalty.
When you're worried about your job it's very tempting to make a fellow co-worker look bad but who really cares if someone's wife's an alcoholic .
.
or that someone has an unnatural attraction to women in suits? The important thing is we're in this together! And remember, nobody likes a snitch! So, let's have a great picnic, huh? Hah-hah! "Go north of the fork and up a small hill.
" "Under a joke without J is a yellow bill.
" I don't see a fork.
I saw a broken spoon! Shut up! I'm trying to think of a joke without a lot of Js in it! Ohh, I found a cup.
You're supposed to look for a fork! You know, a fork? The little thing with things! Geez! You go.
I'll stay here.
We're tied to each other, you idiot! Oomph! Ooh! (GRUNTS) Oomph! Aaah! Got it! Five more and we win! Five more and we win.
You're a genius! Thanks.
You're, er, big.
(MUFFLED) Help! Yeah! Lavernia, looks like we're gonna make it nine years in a row! Maybe we should put our pregnant girls in, make it more of a game! Wh-Who is that helping? All that's gonna do is make her feel bad plus now all our pregnant girls are gonna wanna get in the game! Number 32 is killing us! Looks like it's time for a little strategy! # "Bad To The Bone" Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Oomph! Argh! (REVVING CHAIN SAW ACCOMPANIES MUSIC) Eric! Yeah! (ALL CHEER) Now let's play some hockey! (WHISTLE) (REGGAE MUSIC) You were amazing! I would never have found those kids without you! You know something? Together we make the perfect three-legged person! I wish we could stay like this forever! Yeah.
Wait! Why can't we? There's people that do surgeries! You're the smartest guy I've ever met! Thanks, buddy.
We've got to find that fork.
Hey, I want candy! What did I tell you? Sit in that chair until the picnic is over! Excuse me? Are you Lois? Yes.
Where do you get off talking to my wife about my mother?! I wet my bed every night until I was 16.
My mother changed those sheets for years and never said a word! I don't care if they don't get along.
My mother's important to me.
I never said anything about your mother! By the way, I don't have a porn problem! She introduced it into our home! I don't have any interest - It was her idea and now I'm the pervert! I don't know what it is about porn.
Maybe it's the safety of emotional distance! That's it! If you're gonna make me do this we're gonna do this.
Now sit down! Your problem is you both see yourselves as victims.
You've got to talk to each other.
There's a thing called give and take to make it work.
Do you understand? Yes.
I'm not finished! If you're gonna make this work you have to make sure that you are home every night at 6:30, not 6:35.
Create an atmosphere of trust.
(HOOTER) I think we might win! Damn right! I've got 600 bucks riding on it! What are you doing? You're a man short.
Where's Amis? He ran out yelling about government helicopters and murderous clones.
(THUMPING) 'Hello? Is anybody there?' Don't worry.
I'll cover for him.
Alright.
You're a good man, Francis.
I'm doing what anybody would do.
Sorry.
.
I've always loved Elnett.
You know why? Elnett from L'Oreal Paris.
It's so fine.
It: My hair feels like satin.
It holds perfectly.
For me, it's the best hairspray in the world.
And now: Because you're worth it.
It's important to protect your teeth from the build-up of invisible plaque.
But how do you fight something that's invisible? Simple.
Orbit Complete with xylitol helps protect teeth from plaque.
WHOOSH! WOMAN EXHALES RATTLING WHOOSH! (giggles) New Dove go fresh deodorant in cool cucumber & green tea.
Stay dry, go fresh.
Hey, look at this! We're doing great! You're so good at this.
Stop! What are you doing?! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Just tell me, what's your big problem with me? Malcolm! Seriously, I want to know! Am I too short? Am I too smart? Malcolm, can we please drop this? I'm smart.
Is that a crime? I'm sorry I'm not a moron like Gary Spindler! Malcolm, stop it! What are you doing? Tell me why you don't like me.
Why are you doing this? I want an answer! I can't believe I liked you! You liked me?! I knew it! I wasn't crazy! You did like me! So what the hell has changed? Tell me! I defy you to tell me! Nothing! That's the problem! You're still the obsessive whining know-it-all who doesn't listen! But you did like me! Malcolm, I DON'T like you! Can you get that through your head? Before I just didn't have a crush on you.
And now I can't stand you! You want me to tell you why I don't like you? You want me to tell you why I like nice, funny Gary Spindler and absolutely despise bitter annoying Malcolm? Do you? Look, Well, I'm gonna tell you! There is something wrong with you! I don't know how you do it! You're cute, smart, funny and somehow you managed to mess that up! Like today.
It was an awkward situation, but it would've passed.
But you just kept picking at it and picking at it until it turned into this big horrible thing! There is something wrong inside you! There's something rotten at the core of your personality! You're just off! That's not even the worst thing! I want candy! I opened my purse to get a Tic Tac and he dropped out of a tree on my back! I am so sorry! Now you go and you sit down in that chair and you put your head down! OK.
Did you straighten things out with Pratt? Almost.
Oh, for God's sake, Hal! Where is he? I'll talk to him.
No! It's too late now.
It would be awkward.
Hal, you work with the man.
He'll find out! It'll be two seconds of embarrassment and then it's over.
Now go! Pratt, do you have a moment? For you, Bert? Of course! You're fired! What? I don't think it's working out.
I haven't started yet! What could you be basing this on? My gut.
I didn't get this far without trusting my instincts.
I'm sorry, son.
I think it's best if you just leave the picnic now.
They have foil if you wanna wrap that up.
(SOBS) I'm so sorry, Malcolm! I just started talking and I couldn't stop.
And I said all those mean things.
I didn't even mean half of them! Who am I to say that your kids would be screwed up? You might not even have kids! Are you OK? (SOBS) I think I can stop crying now.
Can you get me more leaves? Oh, Malcolm! No, really, I'm fine.
No, Malcolm, that's poison oak! Of course it is! Take the shot! (CRASHING / WHISTLE) Ahh, geez, guys! Am I bad?! How could I have done that?! Ahh, don't beat yourself up, buddy.
We all make mistakes.
Shake it off.
You're doing your best.
Eric, I'm doing terrible! Why's everybody being so nice to me? You're doing your best! You're part of the team.
We're in this together.
You boys have all the items on the list.
Plus a wallet, a girl's bracelet and a fork.
Give us the 100 bucks.
There you go.
Thanks.
How about we separate you two? I'll miss you! Nice(!) Mom, you don't have to hold on to me.
I'll be good! OK! Lois! You don't have to thank me.
Let me enjoy the rest of the picnic.
You told my husband I'm insane and should be committed! I didn't say that! Then how does letting him video-tape us in bed help our marriage? What?! I didn't tell You've gotta stop this! I don't have time for my own family's problems without listening to you two nutcases! So why don't you just (ALL) Oh! I don't think you understood me.
(ALL) Ohhh! # I don't give a damn what the people say # I'm gonna do it my way, gonna do it my way # I'm gonna let it all out Just doing my thing # A boom-lah-boom and a bang, bang, bang # Boom, bang, boom, bang-bang # Boom, bang, boom, bang-bang # Ahhh! (ALL) Ohhh! (ALL) Ohh! (ALL CHEER) Come on! We can do it! Get in there! Er, I don't think I Eric, there's something I've gotta tell Dammit! Get up! Do something! Ooomph! (GRUNTS) No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! (WHISTLE) Eric, are you OK? Someone took the cup out of my jock! (GROANS) I'll be fine.
Just win this thing! (WHISTLE) Ohhh! (WHISTLE) Now, just to be clear, I'm not looking for anything long term here.
(WHISTLE) (WHISTLE) # Go, go, go! # Go, go, go! # Go, go, go! # Go, go, go! # Go, go, go! # (HOOTER) Yes! Yeah! You did it, man! Alright! Way to go! Let me collect my money so we can treat Francis the way he deserves! You know, there's a funny story about that money.
(ALL) Yeah! You boys did alright! Yeah, it was fun.
Francis, how you doing? Well, cold! It won't be much longer.
There's a kid's skating party in a half hour! (ALL LAUGH) Dewey! (GROWLING) > Dewey, is that? Oh, my God! (GROWLS) (GROWLS) Dewey, get away from there! (GROWLS) Oh! (CONTINUES TO GROWL) Alright, alright.
Everything's gonna be alright.
Come on, baby.
Come to Mamma! Everything's gonna be OK.
Everything's gonna be OK.
Everything's gonna be Who's that idiot that just pulled out and flipped everyone off? That's Pratt, sir.
He starts this week.
No.
No.
The only thing he starts this week is a long lifetime of misery.
You have our friends at the IRS give him a call.
So, maybe we can hang out sometime or something.
When you're better.
Oh, come on, Malcolm! It's not that bad.
Give me a smile! Are you smiling? I can't tell.
I'm smiling.
(GROWLS) That went better than I expected.
(CONTINUES TO GROWL)
Don't screw this up! Laurie, hi! It's so good to see you! Keep moving.
Is your new boss here? They're all here! There's Landon, head of the company.
I woke up with the dog licking my face.
I thought it was my husband! I better see what my boys are doing.
It is a real pleasure to meet you, Mr Landon! Er, same here! You're playing girls?! The men won't play us until we beat the ladies.
You're responsible for these.
The coach wants to make a wager.
What's up with my skates? The blades are dull! Somebody unscrewed mine! If you liked someone, would you tell them? I like you, too.
Oh, my God! What? I was talking about Gary Spindler! You're going to be tied together for three hours.
Let's get hopping.
# Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # Life is unfair # Wow, these are nice woods! Come on, Malcolm, we're still friends! We can still have fun, right? Why don't you help me with this clue? "North of the fork and up a small hill, under a joke without J is a yellow bill.
" This doesn't make any sense! You'd think they'd make sense! Gary Spindler?! Malcolm! What do you see in him? He high-fives people when they decide what they want on their pizza! He still says, "It's the bomb!" "Hi, I'm Gary.
I have a laser pointer!" He's nice.
Can we concentrate on the scavenger hunt or we'll fall behind! It's a yellow duck under that oak tree there.
Joke without J, oke.
Oak tree.
The fork was back there.
(SQUEAKS) Wow, you were right! That's great, Malcolm! You're good at this! Yes, I am.
I have a lot of other good qualities.
There's lots of things to like about me if I was given half a chance! Can we just do this? Fine.
OK, clue number two.
"Look for this gem on an overgrown hem.
" "Stay to your right or it might take all night.
" For God's sakes! Gary Spindler?! What's going on out there? We've gone back two goals! I can't get speed with these skates! Get them sharpened! I already had Francis sharpen them twice! (COUGHS) Besides, number 32 is amazing! She's a monster! She's crippled our front line! (CHUCKLES) Sorry to take you away from your family, Mr Landon.
About this Mr Lan- I know, Bert.
Bert, I need your help! The cubicle dwellers are getting restless.
Ah.
Apparently they know about my reputation for downsizing.
I thought you could shoot them a little BS to calm them down.
Actually, I Great! Hey, everybody! I know there are some concerns here so I've brought Mr Landon over to put your minds at ease.
Now, he's taking time away from his family so not too many questions.
This is beautiful! Phil, Mr Landon would like to put our minds at ease! Isn't that right, Bert? Hal?! Ah, Bert.
Albert.
Halbert.
Hal! You know? I'm sensing a lot of confusion here but the keyword to keep in mind is loyalty.
When you're worried about your job it's very tempting to make a fellow co-worker look bad but who really cares if someone's wife's an alcoholic .
.
or that someone has an unnatural attraction to women in suits? The important thing is we're in this together! And remember, nobody likes a snitch! So, let's have a great picnic, huh? Hah-hah! "Go north of the fork and up a small hill.
" "Under a joke without J is a yellow bill.
" I don't see a fork.
I saw a broken spoon! Shut up! I'm trying to think of a joke without a lot of Js in it! Ohh, I found a cup.
You're supposed to look for a fork! You know, a fork? The little thing with things! Geez! You go.
I'll stay here.
We're tied to each other, you idiot! Oomph! Ooh! (GRUNTS) Oomph! Aaah! Got it! Five more and we win! Five more and we win.
You're a genius! Thanks.
You're, er, big.
(MUFFLED) Help! Yeah! Lavernia, looks like we're gonna make it nine years in a row! Maybe we should put our pregnant girls in, make it more of a game! Wh-Who is that helping? All that's gonna do is make her feel bad plus now all our pregnant girls are gonna wanna get in the game! Number 32 is killing us! Looks like it's time for a little strategy! # "Bad To The Bone" Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Oomph! Argh! (REVVING CHAIN SAW ACCOMPANIES MUSIC) Eric! Yeah! (ALL CHEER) Now let's play some hockey! (WHISTLE) (REGGAE MUSIC) You were amazing! I would never have found those kids without you! You know something? Together we make the perfect three-legged person! I wish we could stay like this forever! Yeah.
Wait! Why can't we? There's people that do surgeries! You're the smartest guy I've ever met! Thanks, buddy.
We've got to find that fork.
Hey, I want candy! What did I tell you? Sit in that chair until the picnic is over! Excuse me? Are you Lois? Yes.
Where do you get off talking to my wife about my mother?! I wet my bed every night until I was 16.
My mother changed those sheets for years and never said a word! I don't care if they don't get along.
My mother's important to me.
I never said anything about your mother! By the way, I don't have a porn problem! She introduced it into our home! I don't have any interest - It was her idea and now I'm the pervert! I don't know what it is about porn.
Maybe it's the safety of emotional distance! That's it! If you're gonna make me do this we're gonna do this.
Now sit down! Your problem is you both see yourselves as victims.
You've got to talk to each other.
There's a thing called give and take to make it work.
Do you understand? Yes.
I'm not finished! If you're gonna make this work you have to make sure that you are home every night at 6:30, not 6:35.
Create an atmosphere of trust.
(HOOTER) I think we might win! Damn right! I've got 600 bucks riding on it! What are you doing? You're a man short.
Where's Amis? He ran out yelling about government helicopters and murderous clones.
(THUMPING) 'Hello? Is anybody there?' Don't worry.
I'll cover for him.
Alright.
You're a good man, Francis.
I'm doing what anybody would do.
Sorry.
.
I've always loved Elnett.
You know why? Elnett from L'Oreal Paris.
It's so fine.
It: My hair feels like satin.
It holds perfectly.
For me, it's the best hairspray in the world.
And now: Because you're worth it.
It's important to protect your teeth from the build-up of invisible plaque.
But how do you fight something that's invisible? Simple.
Orbit Complete with xylitol helps protect teeth from plaque.
WHOOSH! WOMAN EXHALES RATTLING WHOOSH! (giggles) New Dove go fresh deodorant in cool cucumber & green tea.
Stay dry, go fresh.
Hey, look at this! We're doing great! You're so good at this.
Stop! What are you doing?! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Just tell me, what's your big problem with me? Malcolm! Seriously, I want to know! Am I too short? Am I too smart? Malcolm, can we please drop this? I'm smart.
Is that a crime? I'm sorry I'm not a moron like Gary Spindler! Malcolm, stop it! What are you doing? Tell me why you don't like me.
Why are you doing this? I want an answer! I can't believe I liked you! You liked me?! I knew it! I wasn't crazy! You did like me! So what the hell has changed? Tell me! I defy you to tell me! Nothing! That's the problem! You're still the obsessive whining know-it-all who doesn't listen! But you did like me! Malcolm, I DON'T like you! Can you get that through your head? Before I just didn't have a crush on you.
And now I can't stand you! You want me to tell you why I don't like you? You want me to tell you why I like nice, funny Gary Spindler and absolutely despise bitter annoying Malcolm? Do you? Look, Well, I'm gonna tell you! There is something wrong with you! I don't know how you do it! You're cute, smart, funny and somehow you managed to mess that up! Like today.
It was an awkward situation, but it would've passed.
But you just kept picking at it and picking at it until it turned into this big horrible thing! There is something wrong inside you! There's something rotten at the core of your personality! You're just off! That's not even the worst thing! I want candy! I opened my purse to get a Tic Tac and he dropped out of a tree on my back! I am so sorry! Now you go and you sit down in that chair and you put your head down! OK.
Did you straighten things out with Pratt? Almost.
Oh, for God's sake, Hal! Where is he? I'll talk to him.
No! It's too late now.
It would be awkward.
Hal, you work with the man.
He'll find out! It'll be two seconds of embarrassment and then it's over.
Now go! Pratt, do you have a moment? For you, Bert? Of course! You're fired! What? I don't think it's working out.
I haven't started yet! What could you be basing this on? My gut.
I didn't get this far without trusting my instincts.
I'm sorry, son.
I think it's best if you just leave the picnic now.
They have foil if you wanna wrap that up.
(SOBS) I'm so sorry, Malcolm! I just started talking and I couldn't stop.
And I said all those mean things.
I didn't even mean half of them! Who am I to say that your kids would be screwed up? You might not even have kids! Are you OK? (SOBS) I think I can stop crying now.
Can you get me more leaves? Oh, Malcolm! No, really, I'm fine.
No, Malcolm, that's poison oak! Of course it is! Take the shot! (CRASHING / WHISTLE) Ahh, geez, guys! Am I bad?! How could I have done that?! Ahh, don't beat yourself up, buddy.
We all make mistakes.
Shake it off.
You're doing your best.
Eric, I'm doing terrible! Why's everybody being so nice to me? You're doing your best! You're part of the team.
We're in this together.
You boys have all the items on the list.
Plus a wallet, a girl's bracelet and a fork.
Give us the 100 bucks.
There you go.
Thanks.
How about we separate you two? I'll miss you! Nice(!) Mom, you don't have to hold on to me.
I'll be good! OK! Lois! You don't have to thank me.
Let me enjoy the rest of the picnic.
You told my husband I'm insane and should be committed! I didn't say that! Then how does letting him video-tape us in bed help our marriage? What?! I didn't tell You've gotta stop this! I don't have time for my own family's problems without listening to you two nutcases! So why don't you just (ALL) Oh! I don't think you understood me.
(ALL) Ohhh! # I don't give a damn what the people say # I'm gonna do it my way, gonna do it my way # I'm gonna let it all out Just doing my thing # A boom-lah-boom and a bang, bang, bang # Boom, bang, boom, bang-bang # Boom, bang, boom, bang-bang # Ahhh! (ALL) Ohhh! (ALL) Ohh! (ALL CHEER) Come on! We can do it! Get in there! Er, I don't think I Eric, there's something I've gotta tell Dammit! Get up! Do something! Ooomph! (GRUNTS) No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! (WHISTLE) Eric, are you OK? Someone took the cup out of my jock! (GROANS) I'll be fine.
Just win this thing! (WHISTLE) Ohhh! (WHISTLE) Now, just to be clear, I'm not looking for anything long term here.
(WHISTLE) (WHISTLE) # Go, go, go! # Go, go, go! # Go, go, go! # Go, go, go! # Go, go, go! # (HOOTER) Yes! Yeah! You did it, man! Alright! Way to go! Let me collect my money so we can treat Francis the way he deserves! You know, there's a funny story about that money.
(ALL) Yeah! You boys did alright! Yeah, it was fun.
Francis, how you doing? Well, cold! It won't be much longer.
There's a kid's skating party in a half hour! (ALL LAUGH) Dewey! (GROWLING) > Dewey, is that? Oh, my God! (GROWLS) (GROWLS) Dewey, get away from there! (GROWLS) Oh! (CONTINUES TO GROWL) Alright, alright.
Everything's gonna be alright.
Come on, baby.
Come to Mamma! Everything's gonna be OK.
Everything's gonna be OK.
Everything's gonna be Who's that idiot that just pulled out and flipped everyone off? That's Pratt, sir.
He starts this week.
No.
No.
The only thing he starts this week is a long lifetime of misery.
You have our friends at the IRS give him a call.
So, maybe we can hang out sometime or something.
When you're better.
Oh, come on, Malcolm! It's not that bad.
Give me a smile! Are you smiling? I can't tell.
I'm smiling.
(GROWLS) That went better than I expected.
(CONTINUES TO GROWL)