Melissa & Joey s03e12 Episode Script

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
- Thank you.
- Thank you! I gotta tell you, Mrs.
Beng, you snagged a real good one here.
This back massager I think is the steal of the whole yard sale.
Oh, and Mel promised me that this one in particular she only used on her back, so.
- Thank you.
- Thank you! I cannot believe the crap people bought.
Yeah, I can't believe the crap your aunt owns.
I heard that.
My stuff is not crap.
It's vintage americana.
A singing bass? You would not believe how funny that is when you're drunk.
On life and friends.
Well, now that you've come down from your garage-sale high, I can tell you my news.
I got approached about running for the State Senate next year.
I'm on a short list with three other people! - It's a good thing we kept this.
- Awesome! Way to go! You're the best! Mmm, that must be what it sounds like in your head all the time.
It's pretty close.
That's great news about the Senate thing, Aunt Mel, but is it as great as this fantastic parade of Presidents? Whoop! We sold your ratty electric blanket, your lint lizard, your old nightstand, your lava lamp Whoa, back it up.
My old nightstand?! To who? Andrew, that dude down the street with the Porsche and the Vaguely racist lawn jockeys.
But you emptied it out first before you gave it to him, right? No, there was just some old junk in there, a couple of matchbooks, oh, and a videotape of the 2002 World Series.
Spoiler alert! The Angels won.
We were gonna toss it, but Andrew said he was a fan of baseball, so he was psyched to have it.
Oh really? Uh, Ryder, I need you to do me a favor? Um, I need you to sell this bass.
- Yeah.
Go door to door.
- What? But how am I supposed to do that? Just find a drunk who needs a good laugh.
How could you sell my nightstand?! You told me to get rid of all your old junk.
Okay, that tape was not junk! "World Series" was code for a very personal, very private recorded moment between me and my then-boyfriend.
Oh, my goodness.
Wow, young Burke made a little sex tape, huh? No, I would never do anything like that.
It was a love tape.
- It's all good.
- All good! - It's okay.
- Okay! - It's all right.
- All right! As far as I can see - It's all good.
- All good! - It's okay.
- Okay! - It's all right.
- All right! I guess you're stuck With me.
I can't believe you did this to me! How was I supposed to know "2002 World Series, game seven" was code for "sex tape"? How could you not know?! Did you really think I had an emotional connection to a baseball game? You know, I was on the short list for State Senate, Joe! Now that's over! Now that there's a tape out there of me playing ball.
Voters don't really like that.
Honestly it depends on the demo.
I think males 18 to 35 might actually vote for you, like, twice.
Ugh.
This is the worst thing ever.
Hey, you know that convict I've been writing to? - New worst thing ever.
- What convict? Need more details.
I told you, the guy from the nonprofit I'm volunteering at "Guilt-free".
That's about guys in jail? I thought that was about non-fat cookies.
Innocent people languish in jail because of our corrupt judicial system! We research their cases and write them letters of support.
Honey, can't you be more like me and meet guys in bars instead of behind them? What did this guy do? He didn't do anything.
That's what I came to tell you His case is being reviewed and they'll be able to prove he was wrongly accused.
Yeah? What was the choirboy charged with? Pffft! Taking money from a bank.
You think bank robbery is "pffft"?! At least it's not "pffft murder".
Barely any money was stolen.
And none of it by Devin.
Yeah? He's still guilty in the court of Joe.
So no more letters to or from this guy.
Why do you hate justice so much?! This is just great.
My reputation is ruined and Lennox is going to be a prison wife.
Where where are you going? Oh, I thought this would be a dandy time to get a pedicure and Instagram a selfie.
I'm going to get my tape back! Lennox's computer.
Hey, dude.
Can you get Lennox for me? My lawyer gave me five minutes with his computer and the uh Guards get antsy if I go over.
Guards? Oh, you're the guy in the big house, up the river, slammer man.
How's it going, man? - What are you doing on my computer?! - Oh, it was ringing.
And I wouldn't want you to miss a call from your friend - In prison.
- You can't tell Aunt Mel and Joe! Oh, can't I? What if we just go into the kitchen and pretend this never happened? Maybe I don't want to.
Come on, Ryder, you and Devin are kindred spirits.
Think about it! He was unjustly sentenced for a crime and you were unfairly suspended for a crime.
- That's true.
- Yeah, you guys are like brothers.
- Bad-ass brothers! - Yeah, we are.
And homies don't rat out homies.
Hey, guys? Guys? Anybody? I only get to video chat like once a week.
Hold on, some Barbie's begging for charity.
You got 60 seconds.
I'm about to close a deal to buy a shopping mall.
Go! Hey, it may be a little late, but welcome to the neighborhood! I'm Mel Burke - from down the street.
- 55 seconds.
Okay, my nanny accidentally sold you a nightstand and it's extremely sentimental to me.
I'd like to buy it back from you along with any contents therein.
I will even throw in this shiny new Jackson.
It might help you with that mall deal.
Wait, I know you! You're that councilwoman who put in the speed bumps in front of the elementary school.
- Guilty as charged.
- That was my shortcut home.
I drive a Porsche and that street in front of the school was the only place in town I could really open her up.
But you see, while you lost your racetrack, others gained a more important public good.
Their young, innocent lives? - See, the way democracy works is - Oh, time's up! We appreciate your views Mr.
Bite me! Well, I didn't get the tape back.
My life is over.
You can sell the rest of the furniture and the house.
I'll just Live in a box behind the supermarket with the rest of the sex perverts.
Relax, would you? Making a sex tape is hardly going to ruin your life.
Heck, a lot of people use it as a springboard to move on to bigger and better things, like Marrying rappers.
Thanks for helping.
Look, this Andrew guy is probably not gonna even watch that tape.
First of all, he'd have to find a V.
C.
R.
to watch it on I mean that alone could take years.
The uncertainty is almost the worst part.
How can I live never knowing when the other boob might drop? Hey, great news! They're going to show your tape on TV.
- What?! Already? - Yeah, I just saw the promo.
They're going to show the whole thing uncut, not just the highlights! I'm just going to go take a nice warm bath with my toaster.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Ryder, what are you talking about? ESPN is rerunning the 2002 World Series.
You know, the one you like so much.
Oh, the actual World Series! The one without all the close-ups! That's fantastic! I knew you'd want to know.
Oh, this news is so exciting that I need to go drink alone.
Right after I record that baseball game.
Ha ha! - I rarely understand her.
- Few do, yeah.
- So, Joe, I've got a proposition for you.
- Okay.
How about we go halfsies on this vintage pinball machine I found on eBay? You've been browsing the Internet for antiques? What, did you already go through all the porn? No, this is actually really cool.
I played the same pinball machine in Andrew's garage when I moved the nightstand in there.
It's in his garage? That's that's fantastic.
That's amazing.
I have to go tell your aunt! She's Going to be so happy! Something's going on in this house.
Hey, your problem is solved.
Oh, good, did you bring vodka? Because this wine is wussing out on the job.
No no, I know where the tape is.
It's in the jerk's garage.
And you know what? You and I are going to steal it.
What? Steal it?! Are you crazy?! - Do you have a better idea? - Yes! We should set his garage on fire.
Oh, arson, that's great.
What's Plan C, a drone strike? Oh, I wonder if I can get my hands on a drone.
My dad still has some pull in D.
C.
Yo, Burke Burke Burke! Focus! Okay, fine, if we're gonna break in, we have to do it at the right time.
The guy can't be there if we're going to steal it.
Steal what? Steal home.
We are just talking about that great game, you know, where the hitter-batter-runner-guy stole home.
Someone stole home in the World Series? Well well, they they didn't exactly steal home.
It was more that the The catcher allowed him to score.
Well, the catcher was young and naive and didn't realize that the whole world would have a chance to see the big play.
That all sounds very exciting.
Did he slide in head first? I don't recall.
Did he, Mel? I can't talk about it! How did I miss this game? Burke, okay, tonight is the night.
Really? But all my black sneaking-around clothes are in the wash.
There's a big Mudhens game tonight.
This guy never misses a game.
He's even got Mudhen stickers on his car.
What kind of an idiot puts stickers on a Porsche? Hmm, an idiot smart enough to afford one and then not lose it in a financial scandal? At least I didn't videotape myself losing my car.
Anyway tonight from 7:00 to Okay, tonight at 7:00 we will officially become criminals.
Oh, this could be the worst thing ever! Devin just called me from prison! You have to stop saying stuff like that because it causes this.
He was finally exonerated.
He's being released and he wants to come over for dinner.
What? Why? He wants to personally thank everyone who helped work for his release.
Oh, especially the cute, blonde, underage ones? Couldn't he just send a thank-you gift, like a fruit basket or balloons filled with heroin? I want to see him.
After all these months of corresponding, I feel like we really connected.
Honey, he can't come over here.
It's bad for my image.
Yeah, your image.
Because that's the worst part about having a criminal here in the house.
Devin's not a criminal.
And you're on record advocating for the rehabilitation of ex-cons.
You said it was society's duty to get them back on the right path! Yes, but not on the path to our house.
If you ever meant anything you said ever and you have any heart at all you'll let him come.
I have a heart! Ugh! Fine.
Your lowlife pen pal can come.
- Good, I'm glad you guys agreed.
- For the record I do not agree.
I already told Devin he could come tonight at 7:00.
- At 7:00 tonight? - Nope nope, that's not gonna work.
No, Mel and I are actually busy tonight at 7:00.
Sorry.
- You're gonna have to call and cancel.
- I can't! He got released so I can't call him in prison and he doesn't have a phone yet.
Can you call his ankle bracelet or something?! He doesn't have an ankle bracelet because he's not guilty.
He's coming tonight so get on board! This is great.
This is just what we need! An ex-con in the house tonight.
It's like, you know, "welcome! Sit down, pull up an electric chair".
No no no, think about it, this could be a good thing.
The dinner gives us an alibi.
We sneak out for five minutes, get the tape back, and we're back here eating Risotto with Porcini like nothing ever happened.
You are making Risotto with Porcini, right? Because I love that.
You know what? That plan might actually work.
Yeah, plus if anything seems fishy, it wouldn't hurt if there just happens to be an ex-con in the immediate vicinity.
So you'd be okay to pin our crime on an innocent man? Not "pin".
Just gently lean it against him.
I don't know if I feel great about that.
Well, buck up, Longo, because tonight we ride.
- Please don't do that.
- Tonight we bounce.
No.
Come with some powder because tonight we bust a cap! We don't even own a gun.
Oh.
Is that what cap means? - Oh my God.
- Yolo! You know, Devin, seeing you fresh out of prison and sitting here next to Lennox, it's really hard to put into words what I'm feeling.
But it's good things, right? I don't know how I'll ever pay Lennox back for all she did.
Oh, you don't have to pay her back.
Not at all.
Just eat your meal, go home, we're square.
I just feel like I ought to do something.
You welcomed me into your house.
People like you usually steer clear of me.
What kind of people are those? Those are those are crazy people.
Wow, look at the time! Actually, Mel, we'd better get crackin' on that salad, it being almost 7:30 and all.
Shoot.
Uh, yeah.
You know what? I will help because salad is like a two-person job.
You know, I feel you, my brother.
After I was slapped with my drug offense, everyone I was close to abandoned me.
On Facebook.
I did a little more recon.
This is what we're up against.
That's the garage.
That's the windows.
- What's that? - What's what? That right there! That's an alarm sign! How could you miss it?! It's bright red and says "alarm".
Actually it says "larm".
Oh, maybe they were trying to keep out the "urglars".
Well, I the bush is blocking the sign! If we don't go right now, we're gonna miss our opportunity.
How are we going to disable an alarm without any professional know-how? That's what prison is mostly, a bunch of criminals teaching each other how to do a better job of stealing stuff.
Go on.
Nah, that's boring, you don't want to hear about it.
Sure we do.
No, it's very interesting, sociologically speaking.
You know, why people do the things they do? Yeah, or how they do them like specifically residential jobs.
Say, with I don't know, alarms.
Where is this going? He's our guest.
It's polite to ask guests about their interests.
The fact is I don't have a lot of firsthand knowledge of this stuff.
My buddy just told me to sit and wait in the car while he got some money.
I didn't know it was someone else's money.
What about your cellmate? Did he ever disable an alarm? Oh yeah yeah, he talked about it all the time.
He was quite the burglar.
- So how did he do it? - Oh, I don't know.
Most of the time I'd just tune him out and study my Bible.
This guy's useless.
Yep.
Okay, actually, look at the time.
I have to go outside right now.
It's time to trim the Rosemary.
Wait, I'll go with you.
Because Rosemary really is a two-person job.
Like salad.
Greens seem very important to them.
I'm just trying to get through my time here, man.
You're not in prison! We have pudding pops here! How do you spend six months in prison and not learn how to disabling an alarm?! I don't know.
The guy's not a good student.
Clearly he wasn't paying attention.
Prison is what you make it.
All right, so we're really going to do this? What about the alarm? What if we get caught? No, we're not going to get caught, because we're not going to be doing this.
- I am.
- But we're a team.
No, Mel, look, you need to stay here.
We can't leave the kids alone with "Shawshank redemption".
Devin, the Bible study kid? What, are you afraid he's going to baptize somebody? No no, look, it's more than that.
I mean, if you get caught, your career is over.
Me I'm working here.
I'm already paying for a crime I didn't commit.
And if I have to, I can do it again.
- Joe - Mel, shh shh.
Look, if I don't come back, just promise me one thing.
Anything.
When that kitchen timer beeps, you take the chicken out, okay? But you make sure the juices run clear because No one will get food poisoning from a Joe Longo chicken.
Going to prison for a crime I didn't commit was rough.
But the worst part was knowing that my best friend betrayed me.
He did the crime, but I did the time.
I'm sorry, okay?! I mean, I'm sorry that you had to go through that Devin.
You know I gotta to go do a thing.
At a place with a guy.
Ah, oh ow! Wait, stop! The break-in's off, okay? I can't let you go up the river or down the river or whichever way the river goes.
- What?! - So the tape gets out there.
My career takes a hit.
I go to beauty school.
I spend the rest of my days sweeping little old ladies' hair.
It's not a bad life.
But I can't let you go to jail for me.
So just forget the whole thing.
Forget it.
But I'm here and I'm pumped and The window's open.
- Get in there! What are you waiting for? - Okay, hold on.
I got it, I got it.
I'm gonna go first.
- Okay, all right.
- Let me go first.
- Help me! - We're good.
Come on in here.
- My jeans are tight.
- I got you, that's good.
Watch what you're grabbing, Longo.
If only you'd said that to your own boyfriend maybe we wouldn't have to be breaking in here right now.
Hey, look at this! It's an old vintage Ms.
Pac-Man.
Oh, this was my first true love.
She was always hungry and ready for more.
Mmm, set up sort of an unrealistic expectation, huh? Yeah.
- It's making noise, it's making noise! - So are you! A lot of noise.
Oh, that was good thinking, you know, with the plug.
Thank you, yeah.
Look, you take that side.
I'm gonna take this side.
Go find your nightstand.
Hey! - Be as quiet as you can be.
- Okay.
- Oh, my nightstand! - Burke! I mean, my nightstand! Oh yes, my tape is here! Ah, we are good.
We are robbing geniuses! Shh.
He's back! Hide hide! - What? - In there, in there, in there! Why is he home so early? I don't know.
I'll go ask him.
Okay okay, look, we just need a plausible story to explain why we're in here.
Ooh say you kidnapped me! What? Why would I do that? For ransom! I'm a blonde, I'd be all over the news.
I work for you for three years, I do your laundry, cook your meals and I just decide to kidnap you? - Why didn't I just kidnap you on day one? - You snapped, okay? There's all kinds of holes in that story.
I don't like that story.
You know, Joe, if I had to be caught in a botched break-in to recover a sex tape with anyone.
I'm glad it's with you.
That's not something you hear every day, but Right back at you, Burke.
He's gone.
You know, Longo, all that stuff I just said? That was just That was just the crime talking.
Understood.
- Why aren't you going? - I'm just thinking.
That Ms.
Pac-Man would look awfully good next to my workout bench.
- Okay, would you just go? - All right, all right, I'm going.
- Shh.
- Don't don't you shush me! - Shh.
Shh! - Let's go.
We did it, we did it! All right, don't get cocky until we get inside.
Oh, I can get as cocky as I want! Because I committed a felony and didn't get caught! Said George Clooney in what movie? Where have you guys been? Hey, that's the videotape you sold to Andrew.
- No, it's not.
- Yeah, it is.
"2002 World Series".
How'd you get it out of his garage? They just went across the street and stole it! Stole it?! Oh man, why do I keep running with the wrong crowd? I gotta get outta here.
If you ever need someplace safe to crash I can help you.
How could you try to involve Devin in a crime? Well, actually we didn't involve him.
We just asked him a couple of questions.
Yeah, at most he was a criminal consultant.
Yeah.
You're both terrible! To do all of this for a tape? What kind of tape could possibly be worth this? Oh, a sex tape?! That's gross! You don't really love baseball? You know, baseball is not America's only pastime.
Ugh, come on, Ryder.
You don't need to be around these bad influences either.
Hey, it was a love tape! Thank you, Joe, for saving my ass.
In so many ways from So many angles.
Exactly how many cameras did you use on this thing? To you, Joe.
You're a good friend.
You risked your reputation or whatever's left of it - To save me.
- It wasn't a big deal.
It's like I always say.
Friends don't let friends' sex tapes go viral.
I hope you're going to destroy that thing.
Mmm, no, I'm going to keep it.
Are you kidding? This is a part of my past.
It's who I am.
And if memory serves, I look pretty damn good in it.
In fact, I was thinking about throwing myself a solo viewing party later.
Yeah, all right, I guess I can see why you'd want to keep it.
You're welcome.
My tape! Yeah, you'll thank me when you're President.