Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s03e12 Episode Script
A Book at Bedtime
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUSES.
(music ends with a fart) TONIGHT JEREMY TOOGOOD READS RED GAUNTLET BY SIR WALTER SCOTT.
HELLO.
(clears throat) THE SUNSOOT THE SUNSIETT THE SUN THE SUNSET! THE SUNSET WAAS WAS, WAS THE SUNSET WAS DI DEEING DYING OVER THE HILE HIEL HE HEELS OH, HILLS, HILLS! OF SLOW SOL WAY FIRTH.
THE LOVE PIPER THE LONE PIPER.
THE LONE PIPER ON THE BA BATT LY MENTS (laughter) OF ED EBING EBINGUNDIR ED EDINGBURGHER (laughter) EDINBURGH! EDINBURGH CASTLE WAS SIL SILHOU SALUTED S SI "THE SUNSET WAS DYING "OVER THE HILLS OF SOLWAY FIRTH.
"THE LONE PIPER ON THE BATTLEMENTS OF EDINBURGH CASTLE WAS SILHOUETTED AGAINST THE CRIM" CRIMSY (laughter) CRIMSON! AGAINST THE CRIMSON STREEDS STRE (whispers): STREAKED.
STREAKED? CRIMSON-STREAKED SKY.
IN THE SHADOWS OF CARRIGANU (laughter) CRAN CRUNGRIN CAIRNGORM! AH! IN THE SHADOWS OF CAIRNGORM THE LAYT LAIRD! LAIRD! LAIRD! LAIRD! LAIRD OF OF OF LAIRD OF MONTEU MONTREUX MONTROSE.
MONTROSE.
MONTROSE.
MONTROSE.
THE LAIRD OF MONTROSE GAL-LOPED? GALLOPED (bagpipes playing) Toogood: "THE LONE PIPER ON THE BATTLEMENTS OF EDINBURGH CASTLE" (shrieks) NEXT.
Scotsman: HERE ON TOP OF EDINBURGH CASTLE IN CONDITIONS OF EXTREME SECRECY MEN ARE BEING TRAINED FOR THE BRITISH ARMY'S FIRST KAMIKAZE REGIMENT THE QUEEN'S OWN McKAMIKAZE HIGHLANDERS.
(screams) SO SUCCESSFUL HAS BEEN THE TRAINING OF THE KAMIKAZE REGIMEN THAT THE NUMBERS HA VE DWINDLED FROM 3O, OOO TO JUST OVER A DOZEN IN THREE WEEKS.
WHAT MAKES THESE YOUNG SCOTSMEN SO KEEN TO KILL THEMSELVES? THE MONEY'S GOOD.
AND THE WATER SKIING.
(man screaming) ATTENTION! ALL RIGHT, SERGEAN MAJOR, AT EASE.
NOW, HOW MANY CHAPS YOU GOT LEFT? SIX, SIR.
(over screaming): SIX? FIVE, SIR GOOD LUCK, JOHNSON.
JOLLY GOOD SHOW, SERGEANT MAJOR.
I'VE COME TO TELL YOU WE'VE GOT A JOB FOR YOUR FIVE LADS.
(over screaming): FOUR, SIR.
FOR YOUR FOUR LADS.
GOOD LUCK, TAGGART.
THANK YOU, SARGE.
NOW, THIS MISSION'S GOING TO BE DANGEROUS AND IT'S GOING TO BE TOUGH AND WE'RE GOING TO NEED EVERY LAD OF YOURS TO PULL HIS WEIGHT.
(over screaming): NOW, WHICH FOUR ARE THEY? THESE THREE HERE, SIR.
OKAY, OFF YOU GO, SMITH.
RIGHT! SERGEANT MAJOR.
SIR?! YOU DON'T THINK IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA TO STOP THE TRAINING PROGRAM FOR A LITTLE BIT? THEY GOT TO BE TRAINED, SIR IT'S A DANGEROUS JOB.
(over screaming): YES, I KNOW BUT ALL RIGHT, MacPHERSON, YOU'RE NEXT OFF YOU GO.
YOU SEE, WHAT IS WORRYING ME, SERGEANT MAJOR I'LL MAKE I A GOOD ONE, SIR! GOOD LUCK, MacPHERSON.
MacPHERSON ONLY THIS MISSION REALLY IS VERY DANGEROUS.
WE'RE GOING TO NEED BOTH THE CHAPS YOU'VE GOT LEFT.
(over screaming): BOTH OF WHO, SIR? SERGEANT MAJOR, WHAT'S THIS MAN'S NAME? THIS ONE, SIR? THIS ONE'S MacDONALD, SIR.
MacDONALD GO, LAD.
NO, NO, NO.
HANG ON TO MacDONALD, SERGEANT MAJOR.
HANG ON TO HIM.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I CAN, SIR.
HE'S IN A STATE OF ITSUBISHI KYOTO McSAYONARA.
WHAT'S THAT? IT'S THE FIFTH STATE A SCOTSMAN CAN ACHIEVE, SIR.
HE'S GOT TO FINISH HIMSELF OFF BY LUNCHTIME OR HE THINKS HE'S LE DOWN THE EMPEROR, SIR.
WELL, CAN'T WE GET HIM OUT OF IT? OH, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO, SIR.
OUR KAMIKAZE INSTRUCTOR, MR.
YASHIMOTO, WAS SO GOOD HE NEVER LEF TOKYO AIRPORT.
WELL, THERE MUST BE SOMEONE ELSE WHO CAN ADVISE US.
GOOD MORNING.
KAMIKAZE, PLEASE.
YES, WOULD YOU GO THROUGH, PLEASE? THANK YOU.
(screams) ALL RIGHT, SERGEANT MAJOR.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
BEG PARDON, SIR? NO TIME TO LOSE.
NO WHAT, SIR? NO TIME NO TIME TO LOSE.
OH, I SEE, SIR.
NO TIME TO LOSE! YES, THAT'S RIGHT, YES.
YES, NO TIME TO LOSE, SIR.
RIGHT! ISN'T THAT FUNNY, SIR.
I'VE NEVER COME ACROSS THAT PHRASE BEFORE.
"NO TIME TO LOSE.
" 42 YEARS I'VE BEEN IN THE REGULAR ARMY AND I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT PHRASE.
WELL, IT'S IN PERFECTLY COMMON PARLANCE.
IN WHAT, SIR? OH, NEVER MIND.
RIGHT NO TIME TO LOSE.
EVENTUALLY, YES, SIR.
WHAT? WELL, LIKE YOU SAID, SIR.
WE'LL BE ABLE TO MAKE TIME EVENTUALLY WITHOUT TO LOSE, SIR, NO.
LOOK, UM, I DON'T THINK YOU'VE QUITE GO THE HANG OF THIS PHRASE, SERGEANT MAJOR.
MORNING.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
NOW, THEN, HOW WERE YOU THINKING OF USING THIS PHRASE? UH WELL, I WAS THINKING OF USING IT LIKE, UH UH"GOOD MORNING, DEAR.
WHAT IS IN NO TIME TO LOSE?" YES, WELL, YOU'VE NOT QUITE GO THE HANG OF THAT, HAVE YOU? NO TIME TO LOSE.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
NOW, YOU WAN TO USE THIS PHRASE IN EVERYDAY CONVERSATION, IS THAT RIGHT? YES, THAT'S RIGHT, YES.
YES, GOOD.
(hoots then quacks) MY WIFE AND I HAVE MY WIFE AND I HAVE NEVER HAD A GREAT DEAL TO SAY TO EACH OTHER.
IN THE OLD DAYS WE USED TO FIND THINGS TO SAY LIKE "PASS THE SUGAR" OR "THAT'S MY FLANNEL" BUT IN THE LAS TEN OR 15 YEARS THERE JUST HASN'T SEEMED TO BE ANYTHING TO SAY.
AND ANYWAY, I SAW YOUR PHRASE ADVERTISED IN THE PAPER AND I THOUGH THAT'S THE KIND OF THING I'D LIKE TO SAY TO HER.
YES, WELL, WHAT WE NORMALLY SUGGES FOR A BEGINNER SUCH AS YOURSELF IS THAT YOU PUT YOUR ALARM CLOCK BACK TEN MINUTES IN THE MORNING SO YOU CAN WAKE UP, LOOK AT THE CLOCK AND USE THE PHRASE IMMEDIATELY.
SHALL WE TRY IT? YES.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE THE ALARM CLOCK.
WHEN I GO OFF LOOK AT ME AND USE THE PHRASE, OKAY? (clicking tongue) (mimics a loud bell) NO! TIME TO LOSE.
NO.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
NO.
TO LOSE, LIKE TOULOUSE IN FRANCE.
NO TIME TOULOUSE.
NO TIME TOULOUSE.
NO TIME TOULOUSE.
NO TIME TOULOUSE.
NO.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
NO, NO TIME TO LOSE.
("Cancan" playing) "NO-TIME TOULOUSE" (laughter) (gruffly): ALL RIGHT, YOU YELLOW-BELLIED SIDEWINDER GO FOR YOUR GUNS.
(laughter) ANYWAY, NO TIME TO LOSE, SERGEANT MAJOR.
LOOK OUT, SIR! MacDONALD! MacDONALD! WE'LL HAVE TO HURRY, SIR.
MacDONALD, PUT THAT DOWN.
PUT THA DOWN, LAD.
HE'S REACHED THE SIXTH PLANE ALREADY, SIR.
RIGHT, HERE ARE THE PLANS, SERGEANT MAJOR.
GOOD LUCK.
THANK YOU, SIR.
AND GOOD LUCK TO YOU, MacDONALD.
THANK YOU, SIR.
COME ON, MacDONALD.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
VERY GOOD, SERGEANT MAJOR.
YES, EXCELLENT.
SO IT WAS THAT ON A COLD NOVEMBER MORNING R.
S.
M.
URDOCH AND SAPPER MacDONALD ONE OF THE MOST HIGHLY TRAINED KAMIKAZE EXPERTS THE SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS HAVE EVER WITNESSED LEFT ON A MISSION WHICH WAS TO OH, I CAN'T GO ON WITH THIS DRIVEL.
ALL RIGHT, MacDONALD.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
(screams) MacDONALD! (tires screech) (MacDonald choking) (grunts) COME ON.
UP.
(laughter) (shouts) (screams) (hollers) WELL, THAT'S THE MISSION, NOW HERE'S THE METHOD.
R.
S.
M.
URDOCH WILL LULL THE ENEMY INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY BY GIVING THEM LARGE QUANTITIES OF MONEY A GOOD HOME AND A STEADY JOB.
THEN, WHEN THEY'RE UPSTAIRS WITH THE WIFE SAPPER MacDONALD WILL HURL HIMSELF AT THE SECRET DOCUMENTS DESTROYING THEM AND HIMSELF.
WELL, THAT'S THE PLAN.
THE TIME IS NOW 19.
42 HOURS.
I WANT YOU TO GET TO BED, HAVE A GOOD NIGHT'S RES AND BE ON PARADE EARLY IN THE MORNING.
THANK YOU FOR LISTENING AND THANK YOU FOR A LOVELY SUPPER.
AND AND AND SUE SO.
SO, SO SO THE THE IN INTRIPTID INTREPID.
All: INTREPID.
INTREPID R.
S.
M.
URDOCH AND SUPER SAPPER.
SAPPER SAPPER MacDONALD M MADE MEAD All: MADE! MADE THEIR WHY WAY! WAY! WAY! WAY! WAY WAY TO TOARRO TOWARDS! All: TOWARDS! TOWARDS TOWARDS THE THE RUUST RUUSTY RRR RUUSTY RUSSIAN.
RUSSIAN.
All: RUSSIAN! RUSSIAN BOLDER BORDER! BORDER! BORDER! BORDER! Toogood: AND SO, AND SO R.
S.
M.
URDOCH AND SAPPER MacDONALD MADE THEIR WAY TOWARDS THE RUSSIAN BOLDER All: BORDER! (metal bangs, resonates) (wind howls) (muttering) (resonating ping) HMM? (choir sings sustained chord) (wind howls) (perplexed muttering) (choir resumes chord) (light dings) (grunting) (ethereal tone playing) (boards creaking) (ethereal tone continues) (tone changes, amplifies) (Strauss's "Blue Danube" waltz playing) (waltz wobbles, slows, then stops) PENGUINS, YES, PENGUINS.
WHAT RELEVANCE DO PENGUINS HAVE TO THE FURTHERANCE OF MEDICAL SCIENCE? WELL, STRANGELY ENOUGH, QUITE A LOT A MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH, MAYBE.
IT WAS FROM SUCH AN UNLIKELY BEGINNING AS AN UNWANTED FUNGUS ACCIDENTALLY GROWING ON A STERILE PLATE THAT SIR ALEXANDER FLEMING GAVE THE WORLD PENICILLIN.
JAMES WATT WATCHED AN ORDINARY HOUSEHOLD KETTLE BOILING AND CONCEIVED THE POTENTIALITY OF STEAM POWER.
WOULD ALBERT EINSTEIN EVER HAVE HIT UPON THE THEORY OF RELATIVITY IF HE HADN'T BEEN CLEVER? ALL THESE TREMENDOUS LEAPS FORWARD HAVE BEEN TAKEN IN THE DARK.
WOULD RUTHERFORD EVER HAVE SPLI THE ATOM IF HE HADN'T TRIED? COULD MARCONI HAVE INVENTED THE RADIO IF HE HADN'T BY PURE CHANCE SPENT YEARS WORKING AT THE PROBLEM? ARE THESE AMAZING BREAKTHROUGHS EVER ACHIEVED EXCEPT BY YEARS AND YEARS OF UNREMITTING STUDY? OF COURSE NOT.
WHAT I SAID EARLIER ABOUT ACCIDENTAL DISCOVERIES MUST HAVE BEEN WRONG.
NEVERTHELESS, SCIENTISTS BELIEVE THAT THESE PENGUINS THESE COMIC, FLIGHTLESS, WEB-FOOTED LITTLE BASTARDS MAY FINALLY, UNWITTINGLY HELP MAN TO FATHOM THE UNCHARTED DEPTHS OF THE HUMAN MIND.
PROFESSOR ROSEWALL OF THE LAVER INSTITUTE.
HELLO.
HERE AT THE INSTITUTE, PROFESSOR CHARLES PASARALL DR.
PEACHES BARTKOWICZ AND MYSELF HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THE THEORY ORIGINALLY POSTULATED BY THE LATE DR.
KRAMER THAT THE PENGUIN IS INTRINSICALLY MORE INTELLIGEN THAN THE HUMAN BEING.
THE FIRST THING THA DR.
KRAMER CAME UP WITH WAS THAT THE PENGUIN HAS A MUCH SMALLER BRAIN THAN THE MAN.
THIS POSTULATE FORMED THE FUNDAMENTAL BASIS OF ALL OF HIS THINKING AND REMAINED WITH HIM UNTIL HIS DEATH.
(arrow thumps, Kramer grunts) NOW, WE'VE TAKEN THIS THEORY ONE STAGE FURTHER.
IF WE INCREASE THE SIZE OF THE PENGUIN UNTIL IT IS THE SAME HEIGHT AS THE MAN AND THEN COMPARE THE RELATIVE BRAIN SIZES WE NOW FIND THAT THE PENGUIN'S BRAIN IS STILL SMALLER.
BUT AND THIS IS THE POINT IT IS LARGER THAN IT WAS.
FOR A PENGUIN TO HAVE THE SAME SIZE OF BRAIN AS A MAN THE PENGUIN WOULD HAVE TO BE OVER 66 FEET HIGH.
(laughter) THIS THEORY HAS BECOME KNOWN AS THE "WASTE OF TIME THEORY" AND WAS ABANDONED IN 1956.
HELLO AGAIN.
STANDARD I.
Q.
TESTS GAVE THE FOLLOWING RESULTS.
THE PENGUINS SCORED BADLY WHEN COMPARED WITH PRIMITIVE HUMAN SUBGROUPS LIKE THE BUSHMEN OF THE KALAHARI BUT BETTER THAN BBC PROGRAM PLANNERS.
THE BBC PROGRAM PLANNERS' SURPRISINGLY HIGH TOTAL HERE CAN BE EXPLAINED AWAY AS BEING WITHIN THE ORDINARY LIMITS OF STATISTICAL ERROR.
ONE PARTICULARLY DIM PROGRAM PLANNER CAN COCK THE WHOLE THING UP.
THESE I.
Q.
TESTS WERE THOUGHT TO CONTAIN AN UNFAIR CULTURAL BIAS AGAINST THE PENGUIN.
FOR EXAMPLE, IT DIDN'T TAKE INTO ACCOUN THE PENGUINS' EXTREMELY POOR EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM.
TO DEVISE A FAIRER SYSTEM OF TESTS A TEAM OF OUR RESEARCHERS SPENT 18 MONTHS IN ANTARCTICA LIVING LIKE PENGUINS AND SUBSEQUENTLY DYING LIKE PENGUINS ONLY QUICKER PROVING THAT THE PENGUIN IS A CLEVER LITTLE SOD IN HIS OWN ENVIRONMENT.
THEREFORE, WE DEVISED TESTS TO BE GIVEN TO THE PENGUINS IN THE FOURTH SET I DO BEG YOUR PARDON IN THEIR OWN ENVIRONMENT.
Man: NET! SHH! WHAT IS THE NEXT NUMBER IN THIS SEQUENCE? TWO, FOUR, SIX (penguin squawks) DID HE SAY "EIGHT"? WHAT IS Rosewall: THE ENVIRONMENTAL BARRIER HAD BEEN REMOVED BUT WE'D HIT ANOTHER THE LANGUAGE BARRIER.
THE PENGUINS COULD NO AND WERE THEREFORE UNABLE TO GIVE THE ANSWERS.
THIS PROBLEM WAS REMOVED IN THE NEXT SERIES OF EXPERIMENTS BY ASKING THE SAME QUESTIONS TO THE PENGUINS AND TO A RANDOM GROUP IN THE SAME CONDITIONS.
WHAT IS THE NEXT NUMBER? TWO, FOUR, SIX (with heavy accent): HELLO? THE RESULTS OF THESE TESTS WERE MOST ILLUMINATING.
THE PENGUINS' SCORES WERE CONSISTENTLY EQUAL TO THOSE OF THE (squawking) THESE INQUIRIES LED TO CERTAIN CHANGES AT THE BBC (squawking) WHILE ATTENDANCES AT ZOOS BOOMED.
Man: SOON THESE FEATHERY LITTLE HUSTLERS WERE INFILTRATING IMPORTAN POSITIONS EVERYWHERE.
(groans) (laughter) (scuffle) Guard: HELP.
(squawk) OH! (scuffle) (squawk) (groans) (laughter) (squawk) (groans) (groans) (groans) (groans) (squawk) (cacophonous squawking) (squawk) (laughter) VIZNA VESHCHAT.
PRAVDA KARAMENTOV.
WE MUST STUDY THEM IN CONDITIONS OF ABSOLUTE SECRECY.
(laughter) NYET? LOOK OUT! NYET? (bagpipe playing) (glass shattering) (bagpiper screams) (loud ticking) HE HASN'T GONE OFF.
SLOVATI, TOVARISH! (yelling Russian gibberish) WHAT? (rings) (phone continues ringing) (scattered laughter) (loud ticking) (ticking continues) (ticking stops) (laughter) (drunken gurgling) (game show theme music playing) AND WELCOME TO SPOT THE LOONEY, WHERE ONCE AGAIN, WE INVITE YOU TO COME WITH US ALL OVER THE WORLD TO MEET ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE IN ALL KINDS OF PLACES AND ASK YOU TO SPOT THE LOONEY.
OUR PANEL THIS EVENING: GURT SVENSSON THE SWEDISH MAMMAL ABUSER AND PART-TIME RADIATOR GOOD EVENING.
DAME ELSIE OCCLUDED HISTORIAN, WIT, BON VIVEUR AND REAR HALF OF THE JOHNSON BROTHERS GOOD EVENING.
AND MILES YELLOWBIRD UP HIGH IN BANANA TREE THE GOLFER AND INVENTOR OF CATHOLICISM.
GOOD EVENING.
AND WE'LL BE INVITING THEM TO SPOT THE LOONEY.
(buzzer) AH, YES, QUITE RIGHT.
A VIEWER FROM PRESTON THERE WHO'S POINTED OUT CORRECTLY THAT THE ENTIRE PANEL ARE LOONIES.
FIVE POINTS TO PRESTON THERE AND ON TO OUR FIRST PIECE OF FILM.
IT'S ABOUT MOUNTAINEERING AND REMEMBER, YOU HAVE TO SPOT THE LOONEY.
Film narrator: THE LEGENDARY SOUTH FACE OF BEN MACDHUI DARK, FORBIDDING (circus-like music playing) (buzzer) (laughs) YES, WELL DONE.
MRS.
NESBITT OF YORK SPOTTED THE LOONEY IN 1.
8 SECONDS.
ON TO OUR SECOND ROUND, AND IT'S PHOTO TIME.
WE'RE GOING TO INVITE YOU TO LOOK AT PHOTOS OF TONY JACKLIN, ANTHONY BARBER, EDGAR ALLAN POE, KATY BOYLE REGINALD MAUDLING AND A LOONEY.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SPOT THE LOONEY.
(buzzer) NOW, I MUST ASK YOU PLEASE NOT TO RING IN UNTIL YOU'VE SEEN ALL THE PHOTOS.
(bell jingling) (whistle) (whoosh) YES, YOU'RE RIGHT, THE ANSWER WAS, OF COURSE, NUMBER TWO.
I'M AFRAID THERE'S BEEN AN ERROR IN OUR COMPUTER.
THE CORRECT ANSWER SHOULD, OF COURSE, HAVE BEEN NUMBER FOUR AND NOT KATY BOYLE.
KATY BOYLE IS NOT A LOONEY.
SHE IS A TELEVISION PERSONALITY.
(trumpet fanfare) NOW IT'S TIME FOR SPOT THE LOONEY HISTORICAL ADAPTATION.
THIS TIME, IT'S THE THRILLING MEDIEVAL ROMANCE, IVANHOE A STIRRING STORY OF LOVE AND WAR, VIOLENCE AND CHIVALRY SET AMIDST THE PAGEANTRY AND SPLENDOR OF 13th-CENTURY ENGLAND.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SPOT THE LOONEY.
(laughter) (buzzer buzzing repeatedly) YES, WELL DONE, MRS.
L.
OF LEICESTER MRS.
B.
OF BUXTON AND MRS.
G.
OF GATWICK.
THE LOONEY WAS, OF COURSE, THE WRITER, SIR WALTER SCOTT.
I DIDN'T WRITE THAT.
SOUNDS MORE LIKE DICKENS.
YOU BASTARD! WAS SIR WALTER SCOTT A LOONEY OR WAS HE THE GREATEST FLOWERING OF THE EARLY 19th-CENTURY ROMANTIC TRADITION? THE MOST UNDERESTIMATED NOVELIS OF THE 19th CENTURY OR MERELY A DISILLUSIONED AND BITTER MAN EXCUSE ME, CAN I BORROW THAT, PLEASE? YES.
THANK YOU.
THESE TREES BEHIND ME NOW WERE PLANTED OVER 40 YEARS AGO AS PART OF A POLICY BY THE THEN CROWN WOODS WHO BECAME THE FORESTRY COMMISSION IN 1924.
THE FORESTRY COMMISSION SYSTEMATICALLY REPLANTED THIS ENTIRE AREA SHH! THAT'S 40,000 ACRES OF VIRGIN FOREST.
BY 1980, THIS WILL HAVE RISEN UP TO 200,000 ACRES OF SOFT WOODS.
IN COMMERCIAL TERMS, A CONIFEROUS CORNUCOPIA AN EVERGREEN EL DORADO A TREE-LINED TREASURE TROVE NO! A FAT FIR CONE FUTURE FOR THE FINANCIERS.
BUT WHAT OF THE COST IT'S MINE! GO AWAY! IN HUMAN TERMS? WHO ARE THE CASUALTIES? FOR THIS WAS SIR WALTER SCOTT'S COUNTRY.
IN MANY OF HIS FINEST ROMANCES SUCH AS GUY MANNERING OR REDGAUNTLET GIVE THAT BACK! NO! SCOTT SHOWED HIMSELF TO BE NOT ONLY A FINE THE SPRUCES AND FIRS OF THIS FOREST WILL BE USED (laughter) ALSO A WRITER OF HUMOR AND (laughter) BRITAIN'S TIMBER RESOURCES ARE BEING USED UP AT THE RATE OF OVER ONE MAN WHO KNEW SCOT WAS ANGUS TINKER.
Man: MUCH OF SCOTT'S GREATEST WORK AND I'M THINKING HERE PARTICULARLY OF HEART OF MIDLOTHIAN AND OLD MORTALITY, FOR EXAMPLE ARE CONCERNED WITH PRESERVING THE LIFE AND CONDITIONS FORESTRY RESEARCH HERE HAS SHOWN THAT A WHOLLY SYNTHETIC, SOFT-TIMBER FIBER CAN BE CREATED, LEAVING THE HARDER TREES THE OAKS, THE BEECHES, THE LARCHES AND THE PINES AND EVEN SOME OF THE DECIDUOUS HARDWOODS.
THIS NEW SOFT-TIMBER FIBER WOULD TOTALLY REPLACE THE PLYWOODS, HARDBOARDS AND CHIPBOARDS AT PRESEN DOMINATING THE (car roars off) IN THE WAVERLEY NOVELS SCOTT WAS CONSTANTLY CONCERNED TO PROTECT A WAY OF LIFE (gunshot) AND ASPIRATIONS WITHIN THE NECESSARY LIMITATIONS OF THE GOTHIC NOVEL.
SCOTT EXPLORED THE TORTUOUS AND AT TIMES SELF-DESTRUCTIVE DEVELOPMENTS IN REINFORCED TIMBER SCOTT LIVED IN ABBOTSFORD IN THE HEART OF THE COUNTRY (unintelligible) A SUBJUGATED COUNTRY THE CANADIAN TIMBER EXPORTS WHICH WERE STILL RECOVERING FROM THE EFFECTS OF TWO UNSUCCESSFUL IN ROB ROY AND ALSO IN THE DECLINE IN HARD (tires screeching) (crash) THEN ED THEN-ED THEN.
THEN! AH! THE END! (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) (buzzer buzzes sporadically) Announcer: NEXT WEEK ON BOOK AT BEDTIME JEREMY TOOGOOD WILL BE READING ANNA SEWELL'S BLACK BU BUTT BLACK BEAUT BLACK BUTTOON.
BLACK BUG BUTOM.
BLACK
(music ends with a fart) TONIGHT JEREMY TOOGOOD READS RED GAUNTLET BY SIR WALTER SCOTT.
HELLO.
(clears throat) THE SUNSOOT THE SUNSIETT THE SUN THE SUNSET! THE SUNSET WAAS WAS, WAS THE SUNSET WAS DI DEEING DYING OVER THE HILE HIEL HE HEELS OH, HILLS, HILLS! OF SLOW SOL WAY FIRTH.
THE LOVE PIPER THE LONE PIPER.
THE LONE PIPER ON THE BA BATT LY MENTS (laughter) OF ED EBING EBINGUNDIR ED EDINGBURGHER (laughter) EDINBURGH! EDINBURGH CASTLE WAS SIL SILHOU SALUTED S SI "THE SUNSET WAS DYING "OVER THE HILLS OF SOLWAY FIRTH.
"THE LONE PIPER ON THE BATTLEMENTS OF EDINBURGH CASTLE WAS SILHOUETTED AGAINST THE CRIM" CRIMSY (laughter) CRIMSON! AGAINST THE CRIMSON STREEDS STRE (whispers): STREAKED.
STREAKED? CRIMSON-STREAKED SKY.
IN THE SHADOWS OF CARRIGANU (laughter) CRAN CRUNGRIN CAIRNGORM! AH! IN THE SHADOWS OF CAIRNGORM THE LAYT LAIRD! LAIRD! LAIRD! LAIRD! LAIRD OF OF OF LAIRD OF MONTEU MONTREUX MONTROSE.
MONTROSE.
MONTROSE.
MONTROSE.
THE LAIRD OF MONTROSE GAL-LOPED? GALLOPED (bagpipes playing) Toogood: "THE LONE PIPER ON THE BATTLEMENTS OF EDINBURGH CASTLE" (shrieks) NEXT.
Scotsman: HERE ON TOP OF EDINBURGH CASTLE IN CONDITIONS OF EXTREME SECRECY MEN ARE BEING TRAINED FOR THE BRITISH ARMY'S FIRST KAMIKAZE REGIMENT THE QUEEN'S OWN McKAMIKAZE HIGHLANDERS.
(screams) SO SUCCESSFUL HAS BEEN THE TRAINING OF THE KAMIKAZE REGIMEN THAT THE NUMBERS HA VE DWINDLED FROM 3O, OOO TO JUST OVER A DOZEN IN THREE WEEKS.
WHAT MAKES THESE YOUNG SCOTSMEN SO KEEN TO KILL THEMSELVES? THE MONEY'S GOOD.
AND THE WATER SKIING.
(man screaming) ATTENTION! ALL RIGHT, SERGEAN MAJOR, AT EASE.
NOW, HOW MANY CHAPS YOU GOT LEFT? SIX, SIR.
(over screaming): SIX? FIVE, SIR GOOD LUCK, JOHNSON.
JOLLY GOOD SHOW, SERGEANT MAJOR.
I'VE COME TO TELL YOU WE'VE GOT A JOB FOR YOUR FIVE LADS.
(over screaming): FOUR, SIR.
FOR YOUR FOUR LADS.
GOOD LUCK, TAGGART.
THANK YOU, SARGE.
NOW, THIS MISSION'S GOING TO BE DANGEROUS AND IT'S GOING TO BE TOUGH AND WE'RE GOING TO NEED EVERY LAD OF YOURS TO PULL HIS WEIGHT.
(over screaming): NOW, WHICH FOUR ARE THEY? THESE THREE HERE, SIR.
OKAY, OFF YOU GO, SMITH.
RIGHT! SERGEANT MAJOR.
SIR?! YOU DON'T THINK IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA TO STOP THE TRAINING PROGRAM FOR A LITTLE BIT? THEY GOT TO BE TRAINED, SIR IT'S A DANGEROUS JOB.
(over screaming): YES, I KNOW BUT ALL RIGHT, MacPHERSON, YOU'RE NEXT OFF YOU GO.
YOU SEE, WHAT IS WORRYING ME, SERGEANT MAJOR I'LL MAKE I A GOOD ONE, SIR! GOOD LUCK, MacPHERSON.
MacPHERSON ONLY THIS MISSION REALLY IS VERY DANGEROUS.
WE'RE GOING TO NEED BOTH THE CHAPS YOU'VE GOT LEFT.
(over screaming): BOTH OF WHO, SIR? SERGEANT MAJOR, WHAT'S THIS MAN'S NAME? THIS ONE, SIR? THIS ONE'S MacDONALD, SIR.
MacDONALD GO, LAD.
NO, NO, NO.
HANG ON TO MacDONALD, SERGEANT MAJOR.
HANG ON TO HIM.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I CAN, SIR.
HE'S IN A STATE OF ITSUBISHI KYOTO McSAYONARA.
WHAT'S THAT? IT'S THE FIFTH STATE A SCOTSMAN CAN ACHIEVE, SIR.
HE'S GOT TO FINISH HIMSELF OFF BY LUNCHTIME OR HE THINKS HE'S LE DOWN THE EMPEROR, SIR.
WELL, CAN'T WE GET HIM OUT OF IT? OH, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO, SIR.
OUR KAMIKAZE INSTRUCTOR, MR.
YASHIMOTO, WAS SO GOOD HE NEVER LEF TOKYO AIRPORT.
WELL, THERE MUST BE SOMEONE ELSE WHO CAN ADVISE US.
GOOD MORNING.
KAMIKAZE, PLEASE.
YES, WOULD YOU GO THROUGH, PLEASE? THANK YOU.
(screams) ALL RIGHT, SERGEANT MAJOR.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
BEG PARDON, SIR? NO TIME TO LOSE.
NO WHAT, SIR? NO TIME NO TIME TO LOSE.
OH, I SEE, SIR.
NO TIME TO LOSE! YES, THAT'S RIGHT, YES.
YES, NO TIME TO LOSE, SIR.
RIGHT! ISN'T THAT FUNNY, SIR.
I'VE NEVER COME ACROSS THAT PHRASE BEFORE.
"NO TIME TO LOSE.
" 42 YEARS I'VE BEEN IN THE REGULAR ARMY AND I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT PHRASE.
WELL, IT'S IN PERFECTLY COMMON PARLANCE.
IN WHAT, SIR? OH, NEVER MIND.
RIGHT NO TIME TO LOSE.
EVENTUALLY, YES, SIR.
WHAT? WELL, LIKE YOU SAID, SIR.
WE'LL BE ABLE TO MAKE TIME EVENTUALLY WITHOUT TO LOSE, SIR, NO.
LOOK, UM, I DON'T THINK YOU'VE QUITE GO THE HANG OF THIS PHRASE, SERGEANT MAJOR.
MORNING.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
NOW, THEN, HOW WERE YOU THINKING OF USING THIS PHRASE? UH WELL, I WAS THINKING OF USING IT LIKE, UH UH"GOOD MORNING, DEAR.
WHAT IS IN NO TIME TO LOSE?" YES, WELL, YOU'VE NOT QUITE GO THE HANG OF THAT, HAVE YOU? NO TIME TO LOSE.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
NOW, YOU WAN TO USE THIS PHRASE IN EVERYDAY CONVERSATION, IS THAT RIGHT? YES, THAT'S RIGHT, YES.
YES, GOOD.
(hoots then quacks) MY WIFE AND I HAVE MY WIFE AND I HAVE NEVER HAD A GREAT DEAL TO SAY TO EACH OTHER.
IN THE OLD DAYS WE USED TO FIND THINGS TO SAY LIKE "PASS THE SUGAR" OR "THAT'S MY FLANNEL" BUT IN THE LAS TEN OR 15 YEARS THERE JUST HASN'T SEEMED TO BE ANYTHING TO SAY.
AND ANYWAY, I SAW YOUR PHRASE ADVERTISED IN THE PAPER AND I THOUGH THAT'S THE KIND OF THING I'D LIKE TO SAY TO HER.
YES, WELL, WHAT WE NORMALLY SUGGES FOR A BEGINNER SUCH AS YOURSELF IS THAT YOU PUT YOUR ALARM CLOCK BACK TEN MINUTES IN THE MORNING SO YOU CAN WAKE UP, LOOK AT THE CLOCK AND USE THE PHRASE IMMEDIATELY.
SHALL WE TRY IT? YES.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE THE ALARM CLOCK.
WHEN I GO OFF LOOK AT ME AND USE THE PHRASE, OKAY? (clicking tongue) (mimics a loud bell) NO! TIME TO LOSE.
NO.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
NO.
TO LOSE, LIKE TOULOUSE IN FRANCE.
NO TIME TOULOUSE.
NO TIME TOULOUSE.
NO TIME TOULOUSE.
NO TIME TOULOUSE.
NO.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
NO, NO TIME TO LOSE.
("Cancan" playing) "NO-TIME TOULOUSE" (laughter) (gruffly): ALL RIGHT, YOU YELLOW-BELLIED SIDEWINDER GO FOR YOUR GUNS.
(laughter) ANYWAY, NO TIME TO LOSE, SERGEANT MAJOR.
LOOK OUT, SIR! MacDONALD! MacDONALD! WE'LL HAVE TO HURRY, SIR.
MacDONALD, PUT THAT DOWN.
PUT THA DOWN, LAD.
HE'S REACHED THE SIXTH PLANE ALREADY, SIR.
RIGHT, HERE ARE THE PLANS, SERGEANT MAJOR.
GOOD LUCK.
THANK YOU, SIR.
AND GOOD LUCK TO YOU, MacDONALD.
THANK YOU, SIR.
COME ON, MacDONALD.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
VERY GOOD, SERGEANT MAJOR.
YES, EXCELLENT.
SO IT WAS THAT ON A COLD NOVEMBER MORNING R.
S.
M.
URDOCH AND SAPPER MacDONALD ONE OF THE MOST HIGHLY TRAINED KAMIKAZE EXPERTS THE SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS HAVE EVER WITNESSED LEFT ON A MISSION WHICH WAS TO OH, I CAN'T GO ON WITH THIS DRIVEL.
ALL RIGHT, MacDONALD.
NO TIME TO LOSE.
(screams) MacDONALD! (tires screech) (MacDonald choking) (grunts) COME ON.
UP.
(laughter) (shouts) (screams) (hollers) WELL, THAT'S THE MISSION, NOW HERE'S THE METHOD.
R.
S.
M.
URDOCH WILL LULL THE ENEMY INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY BY GIVING THEM LARGE QUANTITIES OF MONEY A GOOD HOME AND A STEADY JOB.
THEN, WHEN THEY'RE UPSTAIRS WITH THE WIFE SAPPER MacDONALD WILL HURL HIMSELF AT THE SECRET DOCUMENTS DESTROYING THEM AND HIMSELF.
WELL, THAT'S THE PLAN.
THE TIME IS NOW 19.
42 HOURS.
I WANT YOU TO GET TO BED, HAVE A GOOD NIGHT'S RES AND BE ON PARADE EARLY IN THE MORNING.
THANK YOU FOR LISTENING AND THANK YOU FOR A LOVELY SUPPER.
AND AND AND SUE SO.
SO, SO SO THE THE IN INTRIPTID INTREPID.
All: INTREPID.
INTREPID R.
S.
M.
URDOCH AND SUPER SAPPER.
SAPPER SAPPER MacDONALD M MADE MEAD All: MADE! MADE THEIR WHY WAY! WAY! WAY! WAY! WAY WAY TO TOARRO TOWARDS! All: TOWARDS! TOWARDS TOWARDS THE THE RUUST RUUSTY RRR RUUSTY RUSSIAN.
RUSSIAN.
All: RUSSIAN! RUSSIAN BOLDER BORDER! BORDER! BORDER! BORDER! Toogood: AND SO, AND SO R.
S.
M.
URDOCH AND SAPPER MacDONALD MADE THEIR WAY TOWARDS THE RUSSIAN BOLDER All: BORDER! (metal bangs, resonates) (wind howls) (muttering) (resonating ping) HMM? (choir sings sustained chord) (wind howls) (perplexed muttering) (choir resumes chord) (light dings) (grunting) (ethereal tone playing) (boards creaking) (ethereal tone continues) (tone changes, amplifies) (Strauss's "Blue Danube" waltz playing) (waltz wobbles, slows, then stops) PENGUINS, YES, PENGUINS.
WHAT RELEVANCE DO PENGUINS HAVE TO THE FURTHERANCE OF MEDICAL SCIENCE? WELL, STRANGELY ENOUGH, QUITE A LOT A MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH, MAYBE.
IT WAS FROM SUCH AN UNLIKELY BEGINNING AS AN UNWANTED FUNGUS ACCIDENTALLY GROWING ON A STERILE PLATE THAT SIR ALEXANDER FLEMING GAVE THE WORLD PENICILLIN.
JAMES WATT WATCHED AN ORDINARY HOUSEHOLD KETTLE BOILING AND CONCEIVED THE POTENTIALITY OF STEAM POWER.
WOULD ALBERT EINSTEIN EVER HAVE HIT UPON THE THEORY OF RELATIVITY IF HE HADN'T BEEN CLEVER? ALL THESE TREMENDOUS LEAPS FORWARD HAVE BEEN TAKEN IN THE DARK.
WOULD RUTHERFORD EVER HAVE SPLI THE ATOM IF HE HADN'T TRIED? COULD MARCONI HAVE INVENTED THE RADIO IF HE HADN'T BY PURE CHANCE SPENT YEARS WORKING AT THE PROBLEM? ARE THESE AMAZING BREAKTHROUGHS EVER ACHIEVED EXCEPT BY YEARS AND YEARS OF UNREMITTING STUDY? OF COURSE NOT.
WHAT I SAID EARLIER ABOUT ACCIDENTAL DISCOVERIES MUST HAVE BEEN WRONG.
NEVERTHELESS, SCIENTISTS BELIEVE THAT THESE PENGUINS THESE COMIC, FLIGHTLESS, WEB-FOOTED LITTLE BASTARDS MAY FINALLY, UNWITTINGLY HELP MAN TO FATHOM THE UNCHARTED DEPTHS OF THE HUMAN MIND.
PROFESSOR ROSEWALL OF THE LAVER INSTITUTE.
HELLO.
HERE AT THE INSTITUTE, PROFESSOR CHARLES PASARALL DR.
PEACHES BARTKOWICZ AND MYSELF HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THE THEORY ORIGINALLY POSTULATED BY THE LATE DR.
KRAMER THAT THE PENGUIN IS INTRINSICALLY MORE INTELLIGEN THAN THE HUMAN BEING.
THE FIRST THING THA DR.
KRAMER CAME UP WITH WAS THAT THE PENGUIN HAS A MUCH SMALLER BRAIN THAN THE MAN.
THIS POSTULATE FORMED THE FUNDAMENTAL BASIS OF ALL OF HIS THINKING AND REMAINED WITH HIM UNTIL HIS DEATH.
(arrow thumps, Kramer grunts) NOW, WE'VE TAKEN THIS THEORY ONE STAGE FURTHER.
IF WE INCREASE THE SIZE OF THE PENGUIN UNTIL IT IS THE SAME HEIGHT AS THE MAN AND THEN COMPARE THE RELATIVE BRAIN SIZES WE NOW FIND THAT THE PENGUIN'S BRAIN IS STILL SMALLER.
BUT AND THIS IS THE POINT IT IS LARGER THAN IT WAS.
FOR A PENGUIN TO HAVE THE SAME SIZE OF BRAIN AS A MAN THE PENGUIN WOULD HAVE TO BE OVER 66 FEET HIGH.
(laughter) THIS THEORY HAS BECOME KNOWN AS THE "WASTE OF TIME THEORY" AND WAS ABANDONED IN 1956.
HELLO AGAIN.
STANDARD I.
Q.
TESTS GAVE THE FOLLOWING RESULTS.
THE PENGUINS SCORED BADLY WHEN COMPARED WITH PRIMITIVE HUMAN SUBGROUPS LIKE THE BUSHMEN OF THE KALAHARI BUT BETTER THAN BBC PROGRAM PLANNERS.
THE BBC PROGRAM PLANNERS' SURPRISINGLY HIGH TOTAL HERE CAN BE EXPLAINED AWAY AS BEING WITHIN THE ORDINARY LIMITS OF STATISTICAL ERROR.
ONE PARTICULARLY DIM PROGRAM PLANNER CAN COCK THE WHOLE THING UP.
THESE I.
Q.
TESTS WERE THOUGHT TO CONTAIN AN UNFAIR CULTURAL BIAS AGAINST THE PENGUIN.
FOR EXAMPLE, IT DIDN'T TAKE INTO ACCOUN THE PENGUINS' EXTREMELY POOR EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM.
TO DEVISE A FAIRER SYSTEM OF TESTS A TEAM OF OUR RESEARCHERS SPENT 18 MONTHS IN ANTARCTICA LIVING LIKE PENGUINS AND SUBSEQUENTLY DYING LIKE PENGUINS ONLY QUICKER PROVING THAT THE PENGUIN IS A CLEVER LITTLE SOD IN HIS OWN ENVIRONMENT.
THEREFORE, WE DEVISED TESTS TO BE GIVEN TO THE PENGUINS IN THE FOURTH SET I DO BEG YOUR PARDON IN THEIR OWN ENVIRONMENT.
Man: NET! SHH! WHAT IS THE NEXT NUMBER IN THIS SEQUENCE? TWO, FOUR, SIX (penguin squawks) DID HE SAY "EIGHT"? WHAT IS Rosewall: THE ENVIRONMENTAL BARRIER HAD BEEN REMOVED BUT WE'D HIT ANOTHER THE LANGUAGE BARRIER.
THE PENGUINS COULD NO AND WERE THEREFORE UNABLE TO GIVE THE ANSWERS.
THIS PROBLEM WAS REMOVED IN THE NEXT SERIES OF EXPERIMENTS BY ASKING THE SAME QUESTIONS TO THE PENGUINS AND TO A RANDOM GROUP IN THE SAME CONDITIONS.
WHAT IS THE NEXT NUMBER? TWO, FOUR, SIX (with heavy accent): HELLO? THE RESULTS OF THESE TESTS WERE MOST ILLUMINATING.
THE PENGUINS' SCORES WERE CONSISTENTLY EQUAL TO THOSE OF THE (squawking) THESE INQUIRIES LED TO CERTAIN CHANGES AT THE BBC (squawking) WHILE ATTENDANCES AT ZOOS BOOMED.
Man: SOON THESE FEATHERY LITTLE HUSTLERS WERE INFILTRATING IMPORTAN POSITIONS EVERYWHERE.
(groans) (laughter) (scuffle) Guard: HELP.
(squawk) OH! (scuffle) (squawk) (groans) (laughter) (squawk) (groans) (groans) (groans) (groans) (squawk) (cacophonous squawking) (squawk) (laughter) VIZNA VESHCHAT.
PRAVDA KARAMENTOV.
WE MUST STUDY THEM IN CONDITIONS OF ABSOLUTE SECRECY.
(laughter) NYET? LOOK OUT! NYET? (bagpipe playing) (glass shattering) (bagpiper screams) (loud ticking) HE HASN'T GONE OFF.
SLOVATI, TOVARISH! (yelling Russian gibberish) WHAT? (rings) (phone continues ringing) (scattered laughter) (loud ticking) (ticking continues) (ticking stops) (laughter) (drunken gurgling) (game show theme music playing) AND WELCOME TO SPOT THE LOONEY, WHERE ONCE AGAIN, WE INVITE YOU TO COME WITH US ALL OVER THE WORLD TO MEET ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE IN ALL KINDS OF PLACES AND ASK YOU TO SPOT THE LOONEY.
OUR PANEL THIS EVENING: GURT SVENSSON THE SWEDISH MAMMAL ABUSER AND PART-TIME RADIATOR GOOD EVENING.
DAME ELSIE OCCLUDED HISTORIAN, WIT, BON VIVEUR AND REAR HALF OF THE JOHNSON BROTHERS GOOD EVENING.
AND MILES YELLOWBIRD UP HIGH IN BANANA TREE THE GOLFER AND INVENTOR OF CATHOLICISM.
GOOD EVENING.
AND WE'LL BE INVITING THEM TO SPOT THE LOONEY.
(buzzer) AH, YES, QUITE RIGHT.
A VIEWER FROM PRESTON THERE WHO'S POINTED OUT CORRECTLY THAT THE ENTIRE PANEL ARE LOONIES.
FIVE POINTS TO PRESTON THERE AND ON TO OUR FIRST PIECE OF FILM.
IT'S ABOUT MOUNTAINEERING AND REMEMBER, YOU HAVE TO SPOT THE LOONEY.
Film narrator: THE LEGENDARY SOUTH FACE OF BEN MACDHUI DARK, FORBIDDING (circus-like music playing) (buzzer) (laughs) YES, WELL DONE.
MRS.
NESBITT OF YORK SPOTTED THE LOONEY IN 1.
8 SECONDS.
ON TO OUR SECOND ROUND, AND IT'S PHOTO TIME.
WE'RE GOING TO INVITE YOU TO LOOK AT PHOTOS OF TONY JACKLIN, ANTHONY BARBER, EDGAR ALLAN POE, KATY BOYLE REGINALD MAUDLING AND A LOONEY.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SPOT THE LOONEY.
(buzzer) NOW, I MUST ASK YOU PLEASE NOT TO RING IN UNTIL YOU'VE SEEN ALL THE PHOTOS.
(bell jingling) (whistle) (whoosh) YES, YOU'RE RIGHT, THE ANSWER WAS, OF COURSE, NUMBER TWO.
I'M AFRAID THERE'S BEEN AN ERROR IN OUR COMPUTER.
THE CORRECT ANSWER SHOULD, OF COURSE, HAVE BEEN NUMBER FOUR AND NOT KATY BOYLE.
KATY BOYLE IS NOT A LOONEY.
SHE IS A TELEVISION PERSONALITY.
(trumpet fanfare) NOW IT'S TIME FOR SPOT THE LOONEY HISTORICAL ADAPTATION.
THIS TIME, IT'S THE THRILLING MEDIEVAL ROMANCE, IVANHOE A STIRRING STORY OF LOVE AND WAR, VIOLENCE AND CHIVALRY SET AMIDST THE PAGEANTRY AND SPLENDOR OF 13th-CENTURY ENGLAND.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SPOT THE LOONEY.
(laughter) (buzzer buzzing repeatedly) YES, WELL DONE, MRS.
L.
OF LEICESTER MRS.
B.
OF BUXTON AND MRS.
G.
OF GATWICK.
THE LOONEY WAS, OF COURSE, THE WRITER, SIR WALTER SCOTT.
I DIDN'T WRITE THAT.
SOUNDS MORE LIKE DICKENS.
YOU BASTARD! WAS SIR WALTER SCOTT A LOONEY OR WAS HE THE GREATEST FLOWERING OF THE EARLY 19th-CENTURY ROMANTIC TRADITION? THE MOST UNDERESTIMATED NOVELIS OF THE 19th CENTURY OR MERELY A DISILLUSIONED AND BITTER MAN EXCUSE ME, CAN I BORROW THAT, PLEASE? YES.
THANK YOU.
THESE TREES BEHIND ME NOW WERE PLANTED OVER 40 YEARS AGO AS PART OF A POLICY BY THE THEN CROWN WOODS WHO BECAME THE FORESTRY COMMISSION IN 1924.
THE FORESTRY COMMISSION SYSTEMATICALLY REPLANTED THIS ENTIRE AREA SHH! THAT'S 40,000 ACRES OF VIRGIN FOREST.
BY 1980, THIS WILL HAVE RISEN UP TO 200,000 ACRES OF SOFT WOODS.
IN COMMERCIAL TERMS, A CONIFEROUS CORNUCOPIA AN EVERGREEN EL DORADO A TREE-LINED TREASURE TROVE NO! A FAT FIR CONE FUTURE FOR THE FINANCIERS.
BUT WHAT OF THE COST IT'S MINE! GO AWAY! IN HUMAN TERMS? WHO ARE THE CASUALTIES? FOR THIS WAS SIR WALTER SCOTT'S COUNTRY.
IN MANY OF HIS FINEST ROMANCES SUCH AS GUY MANNERING OR REDGAUNTLET GIVE THAT BACK! NO! SCOTT SHOWED HIMSELF TO BE NOT ONLY A FINE THE SPRUCES AND FIRS OF THIS FOREST WILL BE USED (laughter) ALSO A WRITER OF HUMOR AND (laughter) BRITAIN'S TIMBER RESOURCES ARE BEING USED UP AT THE RATE OF OVER ONE MAN WHO KNEW SCOT WAS ANGUS TINKER.
Man: MUCH OF SCOTT'S GREATEST WORK AND I'M THINKING HERE PARTICULARLY OF HEART OF MIDLOTHIAN AND OLD MORTALITY, FOR EXAMPLE ARE CONCERNED WITH PRESERVING THE LIFE AND CONDITIONS FORESTRY RESEARCH HERE HAS SHOWN THAT A WHOLLY SYNTHETIC, SOFT-TIMBER FIBER CAN BE CREATED, LEAVING THE HARDER TREES THE OAKS, THE BEECHES, THE LARCHES AND THE PINES AND EVEN SOME OF THE DECIDUOUS HARDWOODS.
THIS NEW SOFT-TIMBER FIBER WOULD TOTALLY REPLACE THE PLYWOODS, HARDBOARDS AND CHIPBOARDS AT PRESEN DOMINATING THE (car roars off) IN THE WAVERLEY NOVELS SCOTT WAS CONSTANTLY CONCERNED TO PROTECT A WAY OF LIFE (gunshot) AND ASPIRATIONS WITHIN THE NECESSARY LIMITATIONS OF THE GOTHIC NOVEL.
SCOTT EXPLORED THE TORTUOUS AND AT TIMES SELF-DESTRUCTIVE DEVELOPMENTS IN REINFORCED TIMBER SCOTT LIVED IN ABBOTSFORD IN THE HEART OF THE COUNTRY (unintelligible) A SUBJUGATED COUNTRY THE CANADIAN TIMBER EXPORTS WHICH WERE STILL RECOVERING FROM THE EFFECTS OF TWO UNSUCCESSFUL IN ROB ROY AND ALSO IN THE DECLINE IN HARD (tires screeching) (crash) THEN ED THEN-ED THEN.
THEN! AH! THE END! (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) (buzzer buzzes sporadically) Announcer: NEXT WEEK ON BOOK AT BEDTIME JEREMY TOOGOOD WILL BE READING ANNA SEWELL'S BLACK BU BUTT BLACK BEAUT BLACK BUTTOON.
BLACK BUG BUTOM.
BLACK