My Family (2000) s03e12 Episode Script

- Morning.
- Morning.
I was thinking about you while I was sitting on the bog.
- Abi, we're about to eat.
- Do you know what I like about you two? That we pay for your every need? Food, lodging, bandages? No, silly.
It's the fact that you're a couple.
Doing the same comfortable routine every single morning.
We don't have a routine.
Yes, you do.
And it's sweet.
You know you're going to wake up with Ben day after day after day Like I said, we're about to eat.
You'll never guess what I've just seen on the Internet.
Let's see.
Adolescent boy, Internet, big smile on face I don't want to know.
No.
I've just found out this is an unhappy house.
Really? It took you 15 years to find out? No.
It's officially an unhappy house.
I found a local history site when I was searching for my project.
This place is cursed.
Everyone who's lived here has had terrible misfortune.
Can't you stumble upon a hardcore porn site like any normal teenager? I think Michael's onto something.
It would explain last night.
I felt a weird presence at the foot of my bed, staring at me.
Any toast left? - Morning, passengers.
- You're right.
The house is cursed.
- Dad, I need money to buy petrol.
- You haven't got a car.
Yes, I have.
Yours.
I'm using it as a minicab.
- Buy your own petrol.
- It's your car.
I can't talk to him.
Say something to him.
OK.
Nick, can you give me a lift? Pleasure.
Family rate or senior citizen? Alexei! Where did you put the museum's file? This just come for you.
- Oh, God - They are beautiful.
That's the problem.
The last time Ben sent me flowers he'd run over the cat.
- I hate to think what he's done.
- Nothing.
He won't write it on a card, dear.
He likes to surprise me.
Although with the cat, he did write, "Good news.
Taught Kitty not to sleep under the car.
" No, no.
Flowers not from husband.
From a man named Kark.
Kark? Oh, my God.
Not Kirk Mason.
I haven't seen him in years.
Just out of prison? No.
He's just an old friend.
Oh-ho-ho! Oh, crikey! What "oh, crikey"? He's just a friend.
In my village, one flower means friend.
Two dozen means he wants to have eight children, starting tonight.
So, how about it then? - How about it then, what? - Are you in the mood? You move an inch closer and I'll have you neutered.
No, Dad.
I'm doing the Knowledge.
You haven't even passed the Ignorance.
- What is this? - Test me.
Nick, no, no.
You don't do the Knowledge like this.
You have to go on a moped for weeks, day and night, not coming home at all.
The most important part is not coming home at all.
See you at Christmas.
- Goodbye.
- No, come on.
Test me.
Ask me the way from Mile End to Chiswick.
All right.
How do you get from Mile End to Chiswick? Tough one, tough one.
I can get you to Bethnal Green, then you'll have to direct me.
If you turn right at the bedside table you'll find the door.
Go through it, do not pass Go, do not collect L200.
- What, no tip? - Yeah, one.
Don't be a taxi driver.
Are you talkin' to me? - You talkin' to me? - No.
OK.
See you, Dad, Mum.
Oh, look, it's Marcel Marceau.
- What's going on? - I had a bit of a surprise today.
Really? Janey return a cheque saying we were too generous? Not that much of a surprise.
You know I put my name on OldPals.
com - I don't like you going on the Internet.
- Because you're my moral guardian? No, because you drop crumbs between the keys.
An old boyfriend's got in touch with me.
Have I ever mentioned Kirk Mason? Is he the one who tried to undo your bra in the netball cupboard? No.
That was my maths teacher.
Miss Hornsey.
- Is he one of your one-night stands? - I didn't have one-night stands.
No, you'd never let a bloke get off that lightly.
We went out before I met you.
He wants to catch up.
What do you think? He must be desperate.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Midlife crisis, disappointed, pathetic.
Him too? He's an old friend.
I don't care what he looks like.
What about our meeting for dinner tomorrow? - As long as I don't have to go.
- You weren't invited.
Oh, bother.
I feel so let down.
You're not jealous of me going out with another man to a restaurant? Depends which one you're going to.
- Can I help you, madam? - Yes.
I'm looking for someone.
Middle-aged, probably desperate and seedy looking.
You can do better than that.
Thank you.
You're going to get a very big tip.
His name's Kirk Mason.
Mr Mason Oh, yes.
He's at the table over there in the corner.
You must mean another corner.
This is a restaurant, madame, not Hampton Court maze.
The number of corners is limited.
- I've got no money or drugs! - I need lipstick and I need it now! I've just seen the guy who dumped me 28 years ago and he doesn't look like he's suffered for one single second.
It's not fair.
He looks like Dorian Gray and I look like the portrait in the attic.
That was the best meal your mother's ever made.
That's because it was a Tesco's ready meal.
- Ooh, is it dinner? - It was.
Let me get clear.
You didn't wait for me? - You didn't leave any for dear old Dad? - Yeah.
That about sums it up.
There might be some cheese stuck to the lid.
You snooze, you lose.
No.
I win.
Yes, it's Chinese takeaway time.
Oh, look at this.
Chicken with cashew nuts, spring rolls.
Oh, capital spare ribs my favourite and it's followed closely by the ever-loved rice.
It's all right, Michael, you can lick the lids.
You got takeaway and you didn't consult your kids? - Yeah.
- Don't you feel guilty? No.
- This is an evil house.
- Mm.
Nice work, Dad.
Let's split it 50-50.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Nope.
That's right, old man, laugh it up.
What is it, five more years before you have to eat through a straw? - Enjoy it while you can.
- Yes, yes, I will.
Bye! - Is that Chinese takeaway? - No, it's Chinese keep away.
These letters came this morning.
They looked important so I put them aside, then I forgot.
It can wait.
Oh, it's from Thames Valley Police.
What? Oi! What is this? A speeding ticket from Slough.
I've never been to Slough! You should go.
I was there the other day.
Nick, you were caught doing 80.
There are speed cameras all over the M4! Yeah.
I always speed up for the cameras.
That way I'll just be a blur.
If you don't pay this fine, you'll be a stain.
There's L140 in fines.
How much have you made in fares? Five plus two Nothing.
- Give me the keys.
Give me the keys.
- Fine.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Hey, Nick! Oh, if you don't see the car in your drive, do not worry.
It's safely tucked away for the night in Stevenage car pound.
Oh, God! Oh Jesus Susie Riggs.
Well, just look at you.
Hello, Kirk.
(Thunder crashes) Janey, it's me.
Don't hang up.
I promise this isn't about iron capsules.
Mum, this is a bad time.
If a man phones you thinking you're me, just hang up.
OK, bye.
Wait! What are you talking about? Well, you see this man wants to have an affair with me and he asked me for my number and I panicked and gave him yours.
Mum you're having an affair? - What took you so long? - Janey! I'll give him your real number when he phones.
No.
I don't want him to have it.
This man Kirk dumped me 28 years ago when I was naive and sweet and vulnerable.
- And just about to dump him.
- I hate it when that happens.
Go on.
Then, out of the blue, he finds me on the Internet and thinks he can just pick up where he left off.
It'll take more than two dozen beautiful roses and a lovely champagne dinner! - You had a date with him? - No not a date as such.
It was an investigation.
I was curious.
You can't let him get off lightly.
Haven't you got an ounce of pettiness in you? Of course I have.
I've got several ounces.
How did he dump you? He stood me up outside the cinema.
I waited there for three hour and a half in the pouring rain with all my friends passing by and smirking.
Let's nail the bastard! OK.
Then listen up.
Here's the battle plan.
(Susan cackles) (Thunder crashes) Janey, all your years of grudge-bearing and spite have paid off.
You're a master.
I can't wait to stick it to him.
Oh.
But don't tell your father.
I don't want him to think I'm petty.
- Mmm.
- Hello, dear.
I see you had takeaway tonight.
Yeah.
Well, you know I like to spoil the kids occasionally.
- How did your date go? - It wasn't a date.
It was just two old friends getting together.
Being old and friendly.
Was he as I predicted, then? As usual, you are so right.
The years have not been kind to Kirk Mason.
You know what they say, darling.
Some men mature into fine wine.
Others turn into vinegar.
It was all I could do to keep my dinner down! - That's nice.
- Totally unattractive.
There's absolutely no reason to be jealous.
- I'm not.
- Good.
- Why not? - Oh, God.
Because you trust me or you think I'm a frumpy old baggage? Both.
Well, if you are jealous, there's really no need.
That's nice of you, but I'm not.
A lot of men in your situation would be.
Normal men who love their wives.
Susan, do you want me to be jealous? A small token of jealousy wouldn't go amiss.
OK.
(Growls) - I'm really jealous.
- Now you're just humouring me.
Humouring you is the sincerest form of shutting you up.
Right.
- Good night, Susan.
- Good night, Kirk.
Oh oh oh.
Your nine o'clock's here, Mr Harper.
Never mind that.
I'm busy being duped.
- You're not busy.
- I'm not listening.
So there.
- What are you doing? - I'm on OldPals.
com.
I've found Kirk Mason, who isn't seedy, pathetic or desperate.
And you're looking for those qualities in an old pal? No, no, no Look at him, right? Look at me.
Now, let's just suppose you are a woman.
I am, Mr Harper! Really? Right.
It's just a policy of mine to desexualise my assistants.
You just try it! No, no, you don't understand.
Say you saw a picture of me on the Internet.
Oh, yeah? Wearing a thong? - Well, wearing whatever you want.
- I don't want you to wear anything.
Fine.
OK.
So I'm not wearing anything.
- Listen, do you know what a cuckold is? - See here I live with my mother.
- Really? Indulge me.
It won't take long.
- Stay away from me.
Pretend I'm not your boss Aah! No, I'm sorry, guv.
I'm not going south of the river this time of night.
Huh? It is north.
Nick, do you believe in the supernatural? - I don't wanna brag.
- No, really.
Last night, during the storm, I heard this weird cackling.
I had a dream about a carrot.
Do you think there's a connection? And then today, my tuna sandwich disappeared.
Oh, sorry.
- You know what we need - A lot more food in this house.
No.
An exorcist.
Do you know where I can find one? Leave it with me.
I know this town like the back of my hand.
- Blood! - Aagh! Oh, it's just jam.
- Hello, Susan.
- Hello, Ben.
Have a good time at pottery class? Yes, I had a great time at pottery class.
Particularly difficult pot, was it, to take until, what, 11.
30? Yes, it was actually.
And then there was such a queue for the kiln.
Unimaginable.
Well, that's pottery for you.
- Mmm.
Sexy smell.
- Thanks.
It's White Musk.
It's a type of glaze.
- Let's see it, then.
- What? - Your pot.
- OK.
Well, well, you have improved.
Your last effort was a clay snake.
- I'm in the advanced class now.
- Really? Got a price sticker on it too.
So advanced we do the pricing too.
When did you learn to write "Royal Albert"? OK, Ben.
I didn't go to pottery.
No.
You just ran into the arms of Mr "Not Quite So Seedy After All".
- Excuse me? - Oh, Susan.
You're cheating on me.
Well, at least I knew for once.
I'm right.
Lucky me! Good.
I have seen Kirk again, but only because I want to get back at him.
He hurt me 28 years ago and now it's payback time.
What? 28 years ago? You haven't had time to get over it? Don't you know me by now, Ben? There's no grudge too small.
I'm sorry, Ben, but I'm I'm petty.
I don't know what to say, Susan.
- I'm not very proud of myself.
- Why be petty with him? - You've got me to be petty with.
- I know.
And I'm very petty with you and it's good, it's really good.
But with Kirk it's different.
Don't I give you enough opportunities? Good God, woman.
I let you be petty with me at least ten times a day.
That should be enough for any normal wife.
- But not you, Susan, you're insatiable.
- I know.
I just want you to put a stop to this right now.
OK, Ben.
I'm sorry.
I'll keep all my petty, vindictive, mean-spirited impulses just for you.
And we'll put this Kirk saga behind us.
Yes.
Providing you never wear your socks again in bed.
You drive me wild, you petty little minx.
(Susan cackles) (Cackling) Got to go.
Bye.
- Hi.
- What are you up to? - Taking a shower.
- With your clothes on? I haven't finished yet.
I suppose I owe you an explanation.
I'm still trying to work out the last one.
I might as well tell you.
I've arranged to meet Kirk at the cinema.
I'm going to crush him like a tick.
- What about Ben? - Oh, I crushed him long ago.
- Does he know about your affair? - It's not an affair.
I'm setting the stage for revenge.
It's like James Stewart in Vertigo when he recreates the scene of the crime.
And he kept talking to that giant invisible bunny.
- No, that's Harvey.
- What happened to Kirk? Look, Kirk thinks I'm going to meet him for a hot night of sex, but I'm going to watch him crumble into the pathetic man he should have been.
Any questions? Do you think Jennifer Lopez will ever be happy? (Knocking) Oh, Nigella, Nigella One more pastry, please.
(Loud knocking) (# Mike Oldfield: Tubular Bells) Good evening.
I believe you require my services.
"Nick Harper, swimwear model"? - No.
Turn it over.
- "Nick Harper, exorcist".
That's enough, Michael.
(Music stops) You were going to find me a proper exorcist.
No need, sinner.
Seen the movie, got the T-shirt.
If you'd kindly move aside, I'll locate all the pockets of malice and vibrations of doom.
(Ben) Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
(Nick muttering) What putrefaction is this? Michael, holy water.
Music.
(# Mike Oldfield: Tubular Bells) Be thou not afraid.
(Yelling) Oh, Nigella! What? Aaah! - It speaks in tongues.
- What's going on? Eh? - It's an exorcism.
- Damn you, Nick! - He said damn! - You stupid bloody idiot! Now's the time for the laying on of hands! My God! What are you doing? - This house has gone insane! - That's what I said.
You! You're unhinged.
You, you're demented.
You, you're just you! - Give me this! - Careful.
Holy water is expensive.
It's mixed with the urine of seven virgins.
- It's just tap water.
- I ask you to do one thing! Susan! Please, Susan! - I don't think she's here.
- Really? Come on, Abi.
You look like you know something for once.
No.
- Where is she? - Well, she's not at the cinema.
Which cinema is she not at? The one that someone didn't drive her to.
Nick? I can't betray a confidence.
A cab driver's like a priest.
- 20 quid? - Bless you, my son.
(Cackles) Got you here in no time, sir.
Yes.
It would have been quicker if we hadn't gone via the airport.
Got to go where the work is.
I'll have you at your hotel in no time, ladies.
OK.
There's Kirk the jerk, but where's? What's this? What is this? - Doubles up as flypaper.
- Get rid of it.
I'm a cab driver.
It's vital equipment.
Along with the photos of my family.
The girl, Janey, is in college.
We're very proud of her.
Really? That's because she moved out.
Get the hint? Guess who I had in the back of my cab today.
- Um your mother? - No.
Enrique Iglesias.
(Both) Mmm.
No, I'm kidding.
It was Mum.
(Phone) Hello? Are you having trouble breathing? Use your inhaler.
Not for that! Susan.
There you are.
Ah.
So I am.
- I thought I'd missed you.
- No, no.
No such luck.
I've got the cinema tickets.
I've booked us a double banquette.
Oh, I don't banquette till the third date.
This is our third date.
- They're coming.
- Don't panic.
They'll see us.
(# Romantic orchestral music) Excuse me? Are you Susie Riggs? Sorry to bother you.
Do you remember me at all? Yes.
Yes, I remember you.
It's just that we met, many many years ago and, er I haven't slept since.
Enjoy the film.
It's a good ending.
Oh, Ben.
- Oh What's that we're lying on? - It's all right.
It's my nachos.