My Name is Earl s03e12 Episode Script

Season 3- Episode 12 Early Release I can't believe you're getting out today.
You could earn some time off too, if you did good things for the warden.
I'm in here for 20 years.
That would mean I'd have to spend ten straight years doing good things.
Who's got that kind of time? Hey, Earl, Frank and I, Paco, made this for you.
So you don't forget your time in here.
Thanks, guys.
Don't tell me you're here to pick up Earl, too.
You don't even have a car.
What's he going to do, ride bitch on your donkey? If he wanted to ride bitch, he'd climb on your back.
You look sweaty.
Is that from cleaning or stripping? Maybe if you had as many jobs as you do illegitimate children, you wouldn't live in a camper.
No offense, Darnell.
This is between you two ladies.
Are you all here to watch me and Earl do one of them super-slow run and hugs, like they did in that movie Cherries of fire? I've been practicing.
That's sweet.
I wish our boys would bond as brothers.
They keep playing this game called "eye pok.
" It's all fun until one of them gets poked in the eye.
Hey, there he is.
Finally, it was the moment I had been working for all those months.
I was going to be free.
Randy, calm down, you're going to piddle on the rug.
Hey, guys.
Hey Ron.
Open up.
I'm getting out today.
I brought you a caramel apple cause all the sweet stuff is on the outside.
I've really been getting into food metaphors lately.
A lot's changed since you've been on the inside.
We got a problem.
You're not on the list of prisoners getting out today.
- What? - I hate to kick you when you're down, but you're also not on the extra pudding list.
- What's the holdup? - I gotta talk to the warden.
He's not on the pudding list.
Earl, nobody loves pudding more than me, but you gotta pick your battles! You shredded my certificates?! I thought you might be cheesed off.
That's why I had them shackle you.
I'm sorry, but I'm not letting you out.
I know I should've said something earlier, but I tend to ignore problems.
You'd be surprised how often they go away.
We had a deal! We shook on it, remember? Both our hands were a little damp, so it made that farty noise and we giggled.
I know! But all the help you've been giving me, has made me look so competent.
Even my wife is impressed.
She is talking about letting me get my own bank account.
I've done everything you asked me to! I'm supposed to go home today.
Come on! How about this for a deal? You scratch my back and My back won't hitch.
Plus, I won't throw you in solitary.
Deal? Okay, deal.
Deal with that! What's the point of shackles if he can do that? You can't do this! I'm supposed to be free! Look, I'll let you out of solitary when you agree to help me.
What good is shackles if he can do that? Man, we haven't stood outside of prison this long since we went tailgating at that guy's execution.
For the record, I was protesting.
Whatever This is clearly not happening.
Let's just get out of here.
Wait! You guys can't go! We were going to build a human pyramid for Earl.
Now, it's just gonna be two people kneeling in a parking lot.
That doesn't say welcome home! I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to go, too.
If I don't get a seat on the bus, I'm gonna have to stand.
It just feels like work.
He's going to hate this pyramid! The point of solitary confinement is to break down a prisonner's mental state by keeping him alone in a box 24 hours a day.
Fortunately state law said that, each week, I had the right to a weekly prayer service.
Please kneel.
Unfortunately, the warden found a way around that law.
Amen.
I was also allowed a daily shower And an hour of exercise.
Charging! After a while, I decided it was better to just stay in my cell and find other ways to fill my time.
And reverse.
Double time.
I tried to keep my sanity by developing new hobbies.
Three words.
Movie.
First word.
Eyes.
Owl.
S- sleep, uh Uh, sleepless Sleepless in Seattle! But that didn't work.
And, after a few weeks, my mind just took off on its own.
Don't want it! You're just trying to fat me up for Thanksgiving! Well, no one eats Earl J.
Turkey.
Hey, flutes, just once, could you wait for my cue? You ready to play ball? Yeah, but you might have to carry me.
I've traded my legs in for magic beans.
I've disguised them as legs.
You broke just in time.
I need help getting this place ready for Christmas.
Just because the prisoners can't be with their families for the holidays or get gifts or have a big christmas dinner, doesn't mean they shouldn't have Christmas spirit.
- It's Christmas already? - Yeah, Christmas 2010.
I was just kidding.
Did you lose your sense of humor in there? You want to lie down? You want to go stand in the yard? I wish I could give you more options, but you are in prison.
Not for long.
What? It's time to bust out of this place.
I knew breaking out of prison was going to be hard, so I got the old gang back together.
Sure, I'll help you think of a way to escape as long as you don't seek a dog on me and drag me back in like last time.
- Frank, again, we're sorry about that.
- I'm just kidding.
I'm over it.
I really don't how how to break out but if you want a list of stuff that doesn't work, I'm your guy.
Frank had a lot to teach us.
Things like: if you're going to disguise yourself as an infirmary nurse, - make sure you don't look too pretty.
- Female! Also, don't try to sneak out when they throw away the old mattresses.
Got one.
Or if you do get over the fence, don't take time to celebrate.
We knew what didn't work.
Now, we had to find a plan that did.
So, while I was stuck doing the warden's errands, I kept my eyes open for weak spots.
I looked for loose drains I even checked to see if the fire alarm could create a useful distraction.
But that wasn't going to work.
Finally, I found a little opening.
Now, I had to figure out where that opening went.
It wasn't hard to find the prison blue prints.
The warden got lost so much, he had them laminated, so he could take them with him on the way to the bathroom.
The problem was gonna be getting them back without anyone noticing.
So if we go into that air duct, we'll have a direct path from that storage closet to the loading dock.
And then, boom, we're outside.
But getting to the dock is only half the battle.
We still have to get through the front gate.
Then they search everything, and I mean everythingeven coffins.
I once spent seven hours spooning a dead guy for thing.
If we can't get past the front gate, we're back to square one.
But Earl, they don't search everyone.
Though Randy sometimes just says things to be a part of the conversation, this time, he knew what he was talking about.
Let them through.
I frisked a nun one time, got the runs for two weeks.
It could have been God, it could have been a bad meatball.
Can't take any chances.
Since the prison had a mess every wednesday, I had a plan.
And the guys thought it was a good one.
I think this escape is the one that's going to work.
Well, I always say that, but this time I really mean it.
Yeah, just in case we need a little insurance I made a zip gun.
But I only have one bullet, so hopefully, all the guards will be standing in a line at some point.
Man! After Frank melted down all my bed springs, we had another bullet.
And before we knew it, it was wednesday Time to break out.
- You're cheating! - What?! No one calls me a cheater! Now, I'm going to push you! That's it! Knock it off! You and you and you, are coming with me.
Things were in motion inside the prison, but we still needed some help on the outside.
Luckily, my friends were so mad about the warden screwing me over, they were willing to help.
I need a ride to Planned Parenthood, or some spiritual guidance on whether or not to keep my baby.
Where's Father Tadone? He called in sick.
Where's Sister Bernadette? She called in sick too.
We're a little suspicious ourselves.
Usually, when a guard leads you do a deserted hallway, it's a bad thing.
Today, it wasn't.
This is it.
I'll see you on the outside, Randy.
- You just called me Randy - I'm nervous.
Not everyone's made out of steel like you, Randy.
Damn it! From that moment on, there was no turning back.
Everything was working out, but we still had to get into the air vent that would lead to the loading dock.
There it is.
Is everyone here? What are you doing here? You're going to get in trouble.
Why? I'm allowed to go home.
They never said what route I had to take.
They're starting up, let's go.
Brothers and Brothers dressed as sisters.
God's up there thinking, sure, "I am all-powerful, "but I could still use a little encouragement.
" And if you give the Lord just one little tiny hey, he'll give you When I say holy, you say ghost! When I say butter, you say toast! When I say Springer, you say host! Now that things were loud, we could make some noise of our own.
Oh Jesus, you're so fine, you're so fine, you blow my mind.
Hey, Jesus! Sing it with me! Put the phone down.
I should've gone for the gun.
Oh crap! What do I do? This is huge! Think, Hickey.
Oh, that's what that does.
You're probably looking for this one.
It says "alarm".
Everybody, be still, let me figure out what to do with our hostage.
Hostage? What happened to us? We used to be friends.
You shredded my certificates, and threw me in solitary.
If it makes you feel any better, I missed you.
I used to peek through the slot and watch you sleep sometimes.
Shut up! While I was trying to come up with a new plan, Joy and Darnell were still busy exuting the old one.
And their next step was getting rid of the guard.
Where the hell did you learn do that? It doesn't matter.
We have 14:36 minutes before he wakes up.
Wait a second.
Did you use that on me the other night when I was begging for round 2 and then mysteriously passed out? Sorry, baby, I'm not a machine.
That's been 10 minutes.
Have you thought of anything yet? I almost had an idea, but now I lost it.
Thanks a lot.
That happens to me all the time.
Maybe I could scare it back.
- No, that's hiccups.
- I stand on my head and drink water.
That's neat.
Try that, Earl.
That's for hiccups, too.
Don't you have hiccups? What are we talking about then? Thought of something.
Take your clothes off.
God, where the hell are they? They should be here by now.
I'm going to go climb in the vent and look for them.
Really? No one went in to save my uncle Clyde when he was unfairly incarcerated for taking Licorice from a candy store.
Licorice was his daughter.
He had every right to take her.
Be careful, baby.
Hey, Frank, where's Earl? He and Randy fell through the ceiling.
Poor kid tried flapping his arms, but it just kept him from protecting his face.
Never leave a man behind.
Civilians.
I can't do it, Randy.
I just can't do it.
We can't pretend you're the warden if you have a moustache.
So what's the big deal? Mustaches are so 20 years go.
By the time you get out off of here, they'll be 40 years ago.
Yeah? Well, you might not even see the next 40 years.
I'd been holding in my anger for a long time, but in that moment, something just snapped.
Don't move! Any of you! That's the fax.
Oh, thank God.
Uh, excuse me.
Where's my husband and ex-husband? They're pretty screwed, but don't worry, me and Paco could still escape.
Let's go.
You're driving.
I'm wearing a nun dress, and I'm justly powered by the wrath of God! Damn, I'm even talking in Bible.
You know, you're a strong woman, and I admire that.
And I'm sorry for what I'm about to do.
Holy crap! You need to do some grooming.
Looks like a thimble wearing a clown wig down there.
You know, Earl, all you had to do is play along.
You would have been out of prison in less than 2 years.
You gonna to be stuck behind bars for the rest of your life.
Richard Jammer? Turns out the warden had another life before he married the governor.
I'm the cable repairman.
I'm here to turn on your box.
Well, that's great, 'cause I'm tired of using my rabbit ears.
And part of that life was in Darnell's old apartment.
Cut! Who's this guy? Hey, hairy, they'll give you But let me put a cover over Mr.
Parrot's cage.
I don't want to have to hear him talking about this all night.
Warden, you okay? What's going on?! What was going on was the warden was thinking about how his past could ruin his wife's career, and his marriage.
Nothing.
Just a drill.
You know, you fellas could shave a few seconds off your response on it.
These gentlemen are just installing, uh, some skylights.
And as for my clothes, well, you happen to have caught me in a moment of self pleasure.
I would appreciate your discretion.
That will be all.
Nobody needs to know about what you did today, son, as long as nobody finds out what I did in the '80s, and that little comeback in the '90s.
- Deal? - Yeah.
It didn't add up.
What I deserved and what I got were two separate things.
Still fine.
Good hustle, though.
To keep me quiet, the warden honored my certificates.
Of course, I was happy to get out, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something just didn't make sense.
All of us had done bad things, but only two of us were paying for it.
I didn't understand.
Karma should have been kicking my ass, and instead, it was rewarding me.
I couldn't explain it.
All I knew was I was free.